I Blame You

by Whitestrake

First published 18th of March, 2012

The product of my friend and I having a Skype call that went to the subject of 'What if...'

This is pretty much a self-insert, mostly done for comedic purposes.
After a mishap with an invention of mine, a friend and I find ourselves in the magical land of Equestria. How will the peaceful land of Equestria handle the influx of two humans? Will Jay and I ever find a way back home? Will anyone give this story a fair shot? Read and find out.
Things that actually involve MLP:FiM begin in the second chapter.

What Can Go Wrong

What you may read in this, as you have the option to leave at any point, is the bastard offspring of a Skype call with my friend Proto, whom you will read about by his real name: Jay. This is a dual self-insert that will mainly be done for shits and giggles. Some of the content within may be considered offensive, because I’m not censoring Jay nor myself, we are rude, crude highschool sophomores that joke about things no sane human being would.

You have been warned.

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“In chips.” My friend, Jay, gave the punchline of a joke.

“Goddammit, Jay.” I said through gritted teeth, trying not to laugh, and failing miserably. “We're going to hell for that one.”

“Oh sure, we go to hell for a dead baby joke, but not for laughing at Bus Roh Dah.” Jay quieted down, but was still laughing. This was how our conversations went, telling jokes of horrible tastes, Jay helping me edit The Equestrian Bloodmoon, or talking about funny aspects of My Little Pony. The two of us were probably the most fucked up bronies to ever exist, and that says something.

“Bus Roh Dah was different, that was actually funny,” I replied. How could he not get this? Dead baby jokes are just awful, but Fus Roh Dah videos were hilarious.

“Hey Taylor,” Jay began.

“What?”

“What's grosser than gross?”

“I don't know, what?” I think I know where this is going.

“A garbage can full of dead babies.” Jay started laughing, “You know what's grosser than that?”

“No, what?” God help me.

“The one at the bottom is still alive.” I choked up at that one. “You know what's grosser than that?”

“Go fuck yourself, Jay.”

“He has to eat his way out.” Jay's laughter went up by about ten decibels. “You know what's grosser than that?”

“I hope you burn in hell while Satan rapes you.”

“Well, fine, be that way.” Jay finally shut up, which I found to be much more enjoyable than I should have. I got back to work on my favorite side project, which I was currently soldering one of its circuits closed. I probably should have unplugged it before starting, but that was my mistake to make.

“MUFFINS!” Right as Jay yelled that, the circuit completed, using my hand as a conductor.

“Sonofabitch!” I dropped the cylinder onto the floor and clutched my hand. Having a few thousand volts run through my hand hurt like, well, having high voltage electricity running through my hand! I couldn't think of an analogy that was better than that.

“Did you shock yourself again?” I could hear the trolling in his voice.

“The fuck do you think?”

“I think that you are a complete moron for working on that project.”

“Let's see you build something like this, then.” Some men just want to watch the world rage. My project would revolutionize the world, if I ever completed it, that is. It's not like I go around wasting my time about it, either, this is seriously difficult.

“Do you seriously think it's going to work?” Jay never did like my wild ideas, unless they pertained to comedy. “Everything about it is flawed. It will never work.”

“Go back to being scared of Cupcakes, Jay, and let real men do what has to be done.”

“We still going to hang out tomorrow?”

“Always.” With that, I ended the Skype call and went back to work. Tomorrow was Sunday, and I'd already finished this week's Bloodmoon update, which gave me plenty of time to work. Just a few more calibrations and this bad boy would be ready to rock. Faster than light travel, FTL for short, was only theorized to my knowledge, and this amazing piece of all American technology was the closest anyone had ever come. Years ago I set out to make this dream a reality, I came close, but the experiment exploded violently.

But this time, oh this time, I'd succeed, I’d make believers out of the entire world. The device was compact, powerful, and ran on a rechargeable battery, all good qualities to have for an experimental prototype. Some people wondered how a teenager could create something like this, to which I would always say that my best ideas come to me when I need to sleep. What can I say, my muse is a fickle bitch. My laptop pinged as the program finished it diagnostic run-through, all systems functioning and the device was ready to fire.

The trial run tomorrow would be my second, I’d rather not make a fool of myself in the event this didn't work. On one side of my room, I had a stool with a Pepsi can resting on it, a similar stool was in front of the opposite wall. I flipped a pair of polarized sunglasses over my eyes and gripped the cylinder of my precious invention. With the simple press of a button, the can was gone.

But it didn't reappear on the other stool, like I’d programmed it to. My laptop beeped the Skype alert: Jay was calling. Frustrated about my partial failure, I answered.

“Why did a Pepsi can just just fly out of my laptop?”

“What makes you think this is my fault?” I asked my friend. Seriously, the guy blames me for shit I don't do.

“Because you always have something to with freaky shit.” Jay sounded annoyed, then again, I would be too if an aluminum can flew out of my laptop and smacked me in the face. “Remember the zom-”

“I get it, Jesus Christ, you don't know how to let shit go.” Now that had been a wild weekend. “But, seriously though, a Pepsi can?”

“Taylor, I don't joke around with soft drinks, you know this.” Jay was being serious for once, not a good sign. “Now, why the fuck did a can fly at me?” That made no sense, the FTL gun was specifically tuned to a certain receiver, or other FTL guns, just in case I get it working. But, Jay didn't have one of my prototypes with him. Wait a second, he technically had parts of it.

During a small accident, my fault, his old laptop was fucked up beyond recognition. So, as an act of apology, I built him a new one, out of scrapped parts from my previous attempts at FTL travel. He now had Frankenstein's Laptop Monster on his desk, doing his homework for him, I'm an awesome friend. Had I even put a receiver in there? Yes, yes I did, as a replacement for a USB port that needed to be installed.

“Jay, I may be mistaken, but I think I just spit in the face of God.”

“Sweet.”

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Sunday finally came, after a night of fitful sleep. I actually dream about The Equestrian Bloodmoon, that's my main source of ideas, and that had been a freaky one, definitely NSFW. But, that was behind me, my destination was only fifteen minutes away, now. My old Chevy might not look nice, but she gets me where I need to go, and right now, I needed to get to Jay's. A dip in the road jostled my truck, and my FTL gun fell into the floorboard. I reached down to pick it up.

An eighteen wheeler sounded its horn, “Shit!” I swerved to avoid the near certain death. Yep, just another day in Alabama, the third time I nearly died on this road, one that rigs weren't even allowed to drive on. I'll admit, I'm not the best driver when fully focused, so the added distraction of my precious cargo only added to the danger I posed behind the wheel. I pulled into Jay's driveway, his parents were away, so were his annoying ass neighbors.

“You ready to test this out?” Jay asked, holding his laptop, prepared for the possibility of a repeat of last night.

“You bet your ass I am.” I grinned as I set up the target. If Jay's laptop would fire whatever is hit with the FTL gun like a cannon, then we needed to test the impromptu weapon's capabilities. A foam block would be our target.

Jay tossed a baseball, and I hit the projectile with pinpoint accuracy. Like clockwork, the ball flew from the laptop and destroyed the foam brick, success! Several more trials later, my friend had an epiphany.

“What if you shoot the laptop with the thing?” I looked at Jay like he was a genius.

“Well, why the fuck not?” I aimed and readied the gun. “What's the worst that could happen?”

I fired.

And the world exploded.

Poor Choice Of Words

The fuck just happened? The last thing I remember is firing the FTL gun, then nothing. I'm cold, wet, partially submerged in some sort of muck. Insects sounded off all around me, while the winter had been unusually warm, it did not warrant the emergence of summer's favorite nightmare fuel. I flexed my hands and feet, still there, I sniffed the air, swampy. My eyes opened, and my world turned upside down.

I was in a wooded area of some sort, a mixture of tropical and deciduous plant-life surrounded me. I sat up, and a wave dizziness swam through my head, standing made it that much worse. I felt around myself, searching my pockets for anything that may be useful. My wallet, while valuable, was out of the question, same with my keys. I patted my legs and found just what I needed, my most useful tool: a survival knife with a ten-inch fixed blade in a leg sheath. Double edged tip, a saw on the back, with a hollow handle for storing necessities: four anywhere matches, a compass in the pommel, fish hooks with line.

I looked around for a bit longer, seeing no other options, I headed east.

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Jay had no idea where he was. One minute, he's dicking around with his friend, the next, he's being chased though a forest by something. The teen ran around a tree, he kept turning in an effort to lose his pursuer. The band student was, by no means, athletic, it didn't help that he was in flip-flops and bargain bin shorts. The forest was chilly, but humid, and the young man found himself sweating and panting long before he normally would have.

Ducking behind a boulder, he waited for his stalker to pass him. A big cat of some sort, likely a cougar, ran by. Jay had never been around big predators before, and the experience was spine-chilling. Whatever it was, it seemed to have lost track of him, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. The young man crept out from behind the boulder, and tried to get his bearings.

Nothing out of the ordinary, the plants all resembled what he'd seen near his home. He assumed he was still in Walker County, that it was just cold for a March day. The explosion might have made him fly into the woods, but that didn't explain why Taylor wasn't around. Wouldn't he have landed nearby?

Jay was very aware that he had no idea about navigation. He also knew that the odds of being found in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere were pretty low. The highschool band flute player set off in a random direction.

Besides, it's not like he could get lost any more than he already was.

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What the hell was my truck doing in a pool of quicksand? The dark green Chevy was almost completely hidden by the suctioning muck, its tailgate was the only thing that remained visible. She was probably totaled. Damn, I really liked the old girl, too. I shook my head, this was no time to get sentimental. I knew that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong with the FTL gun, and that accident had resulted in an explosion of some sort.

I stopped walking, there was movement nearby, something big, quadruped by the rhythm. I ducked behind some foliage and tried to be as invisible as possible. A... lion of some sort sauntered onto the rudimentary path that I had somehow found myself on. A small pair of mammalian wings rested on its back, and a scorpion tail swished through the air to its rear. What the blueberry fuck was going on here? I was looking at the manticore of legend, a monster that could swallow corpses in a matter of seconds! Jesus H. Christ, I needed to find that gun, and fast.

The beast sniffed the air, apparently it was looking for something. I hoped it wasn't hungry, Taylor stew doesn't sound too appetizing. I slid the knife from its sheath, just in case I needed it, and attempted to quietly escape. A twig had other plans, breaking under my foot with a snap. the beast and I locked eyes, and I took off like a bat out of hell.

My worn pair of Redwing boots wasn't that comfortable to run in, but it'd have to do. The manticore had the advantage of speed, but I had my wits and knife. The run back to my truck was short, made shorter by the half-ton monster trying to eat me. The tailgate and a fair portion of the bed were exposed. Oh, right, things in quicksand bob up and down, good.

With a renewed fervor, I leaped on the tailgate, slid down the sloping bed, and sat my ass down in the muck. My knife was ready to meet flesh, just as the beast jumped and smacked into the framework. It leaned its head over the side of the truck. “Big mistake, asshole.” I thrust the blade upward.

It sunk into the beast's jaw, the gap between the side, and wedged into its skull. With a harsh tug, I freed the blade, and feline ran away. I was aware of the forest's eyes on me, as though every living thing knew I didn't belong here, that I’d violated some taboo in the natural order of things.

With a raised middle finger, I resumed my trip east.

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Jay watched in awe as the lion-thing from earlier ran by him, it didn't even stop to attack. A small trail of blood marked its path, and the flute player was quick to avoid its origin. The young man's heart kicked into overdrive as he saw the border of the forest on the horizon. Running seemed like the best course of action, but that would alert other, possibly larger, predators nearby. What to do, what to do? Throwing caution to the wind, the teen started at an easy jog.

It was only during this moment of relative peace that he was able to truly observe his surroundings. The plants, both those he was familiar with and exotic, provided for a semi-relaxing atmosphere. Nature here felt... pure, untamed, like something to be respected. Jay was about halfway to the exit when he heard a familiar thumping behind him. He turned his head, and saw the same manticore from earlier chasing him, blood covering its chest. Jay kicked out of his flip-flops and high-tailed it towards freedom.

The brambles tore at his skin, but he wanted out and away from that thing. The open air was so refreshing, the sun was shining, and whatever the hell that monster lion was had stopped chasing him. Rows of trees filled his view, ordered, evenly distanced from each other. A sign of civilization! Jay tried to find the farmhouse or work shed, the ordered trees hinted at the existence of both. He needed a phone, a bath, and something to calm him down. A gasp made him turn.

Just in time to see two orange legs slam into his pelvic region.

Jay Hates Buckets

Jay's being chased by the manticore, I’m pretty sure he'll be okay. After all, the guy's too scrawny to make a decent meal for any large predator. It'll probably just maim him... huh, that's odd. The manticore gave up immediately after Jay ran out, but why? Something about the area outside had it spooked, perhaps civilization? It seems unlikely, but possible. We'd just survived an explosion that I’m not even sure is scientifically possible, I’m going to push my luck as far as can, then I'm going to grab it for a bit more.

The manticore stared at me, slightly unsure about what to do. It knew I’d make a decent meal, but didn't know if the fight would be worth it. I'm pretty sure its stab wound still hurts, so if it has any sort of self preservation instinct, it won't fuck with me. I was right, the big cat crept off into the underbrush, leaving me quite alone. I climbed a tree to avoid the mutant lion's possible attack, it was scared of me, but probably hungry, and I was decently sized.

An orchard could be easily seen from my perch, apples or pears most likely. So, Jay found a farm, he's going to get shot, I just know it. Despite my vision being blurred by the distance, I knew it was the flute player by the awkward way he walked, I’d found his flip-flops a few dozen feet back. I can't see very clearly after about thirty or forty feet, but Jay's bright red shirt signaled his position.

An orange dot appeared in my field of vision, low to the ground by my best guess, perhaps three feet in height. What I wouldn't give for a pair binoculars right about now. The orange dot, more of a blob now, was getting closer to Jay, but seemed unaware of him, or was accustomed to people. I wasn't ruling out the possibility of it being a very fat midget, so the blob could have been a person for all I knew. Orangey Blob was getting within arm's length of my friend now, I’m certain Jay can handle this situation.

Of course, that opinion changed when Orangey Blob slammed a limb into him. Then started tying him up, and another blob came around. Red Blob, my epic naming skills decided on the title, helped Orangey Blob pick my friend up, and carry him towards the farmhouse in the distance.

I think Jay may be in trouble.

I can't really do anything, they'd see me coming from a mile off. I need to wait, plan a course of action. Nightfall, when dusk rolls around, I’ll make my move. Prepare yourselves Red and Orangey, and quake with fear.

Nobody hurts and kidnaps my friends but me!

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Mercy found itself present in Jay's ordeal, as he blacked out when struck. Of course, the universe is an asshole, and karma's a bitch, because now he was tied up in what appeared to be a hay loft. Well, he had technically found civilization, but he never imagined it'd be in this way. Oh god, Jay had seen Deliverance, he knew where this was going. He nearly shat himself when he heard overdone southern accents.

“D'ya have any idea what that thang is?”

“Nope.” Jay hoped Taylor would show up soon, hopefully before the sodomy. The flute player tried to wriggle from his binds, but they were too well done. The teen was stuck until either help arrived, he was set free, or he jury-rigged some method of escape. The highschooler kept trying, desperate to avoid being any possibly punishment the farmers may have for him.

“Ah think ah better get Twi' out here, she might know what ta do.” They were bringing more people? Jay's imagination was taking hold over his rational mind. Nothing they could do could possibly compete with his fears, the flutist knew that, but it gave no comfort. The knots around his ankles began to slack, an equal surge of hope was felt in his heart.

With his arms still pinned to his sides, Jay stood up. A few stray rays of light filtered through the roof and walls, the dusty air dispersing them into visible beams. The flutist jumped onto a hay bale below, and landed with a muted thump.

“Hmm?” Jay heard the masculine voice from earlier. It seemed he'd been alerted to the teen's efforts of escape. The barn door opened on slightly squeaking hinges, and a burst of sunlight hit Jay's eyes. Barefoot and scared, he ran through the open door, and didn't look back.

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A red dot appeared from the barn, being chased by Red Blob. Well, at least Jay kind of escaped. I squinted my eyes to focus on him, it didn't help much. Something brown was wrapped around his torso, likely the rope from earlier. Red Blob was giving a good chase, but a scared teenager can run pretty damn fast. Jay stumbled a bit before regaining his top speed, the guy's lungs must have been burning by now. I think it was unfortunate that he tripped over a small bucket.

“The Immortal Bucket of Martin Septim strikes again,” I muttered to myself, trying to get some small shred of humor out of this situation. Wait a second... Orangey Blob was back, and it brought a friend: Purple Blob. Orangey did something, and my friend stopped squirming.

For the second time that day, Jay got knocked the fuck out.

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Jay's head swam in a sea of dizziness. He was tied up again, but still outside. Where was Taylor when he needed him? The flutist swore he'd kick his friend in the dick when he saw him again. Jay kept his eyes closed in a valiant attempt to prevent amplifying his headache. What happened just then? Oh wait, he tripped over a bucket, how does that even happen?

“Twi, this is what Ah was talkin' 'bout.” That twang sounded oddly familiar to the flutist. “So... what is it?” Southern accents always slightly offended Jay, it's not that he identified with southerners, but the accents were overdone in movies.

“I... don't know, AJ, I’ve never seen anything like it.” That voice, Jay knew that voice. It sounded educated, but naive, an odd combination in people. Jay tried to maneuver, just to see his captor's face. They had him tied up, it was only fair that he see who they were. “It's moving!” The flutist opened his eyes, and stared into a pair of purple orbs.

Jay was looking into the eyes of Twilight Sparkle.

Are You Kidding Me?

A special shout-out to Sine Wave for helping make my comments section the funniest one on FiMFiction.
And an equally special shout-out to St.Patrick for being such a good sport.
MicroUltraMad, when you requested shipping, just what pairings did you have in mind?

By the way, I had to explain to Jay what 'shipping' means, so thanks for that.
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“HOLY SHIT!”

The exclamation made me jump, Orangey and Purple were still next to Jay, who had yelled. But why did he sound amazed? There can't be any possible reason to be happy about being tied up by farmers. Unless... unless his mind is making him think something wonderful is happening. Given Jay's low threshold for mental trauma, I suspected this was the case.

“JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHR-” Jay's shout was cut off, they must have gagged him, I can't blame them for that. My friend, who was little more than a blurry, red dot at this distance, was still wiggling in the dirt, likely trying to speak through whatever it was had his mouth blocked with. I suppose it's odd that I'm thinking this, but doing nothing to help him. Was Jay starting to glow?

I rubbed my eyes to get dispel any trick they may have been playing. “Dammit,” I muttered. I'd only succeeded in making the blur worse. By the time I’d refocused, Jay, Orangey, and Purple were gone. Well, there goes any entertainment until nightfall, what am I going to do until then? Twiddle my thumbs?

Fuck that, I’m going to try to get my stuff from my truck.

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Jay couldn't believe what was happening. He also didn't know whether to thank Taylor, or try to kick his ass. After all, he was being carried by Twilight Sparkle, so either the FTL gun had torn the universe a new asshole, or he had been drugged. Both were equally likely possibilities when dealing with his friend, after all, that laptop he made tried to kill the flutist on more than one occasion.

“I've never seen anything quite like this before.” Twilight was switching her attention between the path she and Applejack were walking on, and her 'captive'. The Unicorn studied the teen with an odd intensity, the sort one would use when observing a strange insect.

“It sure don' look like no critter ah've ever seen before.” Applejack could hit pretty damn hard, that fact had kept the flutist from attempting escape. Not that Jay would want to, this was the dream of just about every brony. However, given the number of ways shit could go south, he was having conflicted feelings about this. Those feelings only worsened as they entered Ponyville proper.

The town's actual population was at least twice what the show hinted at, and they were going straight through a rather large crowd. The teen was amazed that the ponies didn't run, but then he remembered that he was tied up, and being levitated. The flutist wasn't in a position to appear threatening, not by a long shot. In any case, the residents' lack of fear made the trip much more interesting.

He met the gaze of onlookers with his own stare. There were looks of intrigue, confusion, even one or two of disgust. All of those however, paled in comparison to the wide-eyed, fanatical look of a seafoam green Unicorn in the back.

Jay recalled her name being Lyra Heartstrings, one of Taylor’s personal favorites, too. Maybe that meme of her knowing about humans was true, if that was the case, the flutist knew his friend would shit a brick. That fact made him laugh into the rope that kept him from speaking.

“It's barkin' at somethin'.” Applejack didn't know what to think about the strange creature. It had used words, it might be able to understand them, but then again, Cousin Fritter had a parrot that could cuss like a sailor, didn't mean it was smart. The weird animal's barking tapered off and quickly stopped.

“I think it was... laughing.” Twilight looked at Jay, her head was tilted to the side, one of her lower eyelids was slightly raised. The flutist had seen a similar look on his friend's face numerous times, and had developed an instinctive fear of it. The teen attempted to back away from the mare, only to be stopped by the fact that he wasn't touching the ground.

Jay averted his eyes, and focused on finding something interesting in the crowd. Unfortunately, Lyra was gone, and the teen didn't recognize any other background ponies. Oh, wait, that was Doctor Whooves talking to Carrot Top and Roseluck. Whooves even returned Jay's gaze, almost like he recognized something about the flute player, and there was another possibly true meme.

“You're a lot smarter than we're giving you credit for, aren't you?” Twilight was still looking at him. That was probably the only reason Jay had even heard her say anything, she was just talking to herself. The flutist didn't try to answer in any way, he figured the dumb/weird animal approach would be best for now.

He only hoped Twilight didn't plan on performing a vivisection.

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Okay, how the hell am I going to do this? My truck was on the up part of the bobbing cycle, most of the cab was visible. Thank you, buoyancy, you've saved my ass yet again. Unfortunately, there was still the matter of getting to the thing, and opening the door without making more muck rush inside. I took a running start, and jumped onto the bed. A few quick maneuvers and I was ready to pull the handle.

The quicksand, which I guess is much more like mud than actual quicksand, offered enough resistance to strain my muscles, which, needless to say, sucked. The inertia sent me tumbling into the muck, and, like a complete moron, I started struggling. After about five minutes, I stopped, amazed. My feet were touching the bottom, the mud was only about three feet deep.

I shut the driver's door and waded over to the passenger’s side. I may have been covered in putrid gunk from the middle of my stomach to my feet, but I’d be damned if I’d get my truck's cab dirty. Besides, the glove compartment had most of what I was looking for. Inside the storage box, I found an odd combination of items: a plastic ruler, my grandma's .38 Special with all chambers loaded, and my Fancy Driving Gloves of Awesomeness. Wait, why did I have a ruler in my truck? Never mind my grandma's revolver, that was normal, but seriously, a ruler?

I tucked the peacemaker into the back of my pants. I know most people put them in the front, but I’m not getting my dick blown off by a misfire. I could explain just about any sort of injury to my family, but that's pushing it. I'm a firm believer in practicality, if I lost my ability to reproduce, I don't know what I’d do, but it would probably involve this gun, my skull, and a bank robbery.

I shut the door and started to wade to the edge. This wasn't a bad haul, all things considered, and I could always find a tow-truck in that town I saw in the distance. It'd be a simple matter of getting my Chevy repaired, retrieving Jay from his blob kidnappers, and finding the laptop and FTL gun, but not necessarily in that order. The sound of a branch snapping brought me out of my thoughts. The goddamned manticore was back, just my luck, the mutant lion wanted to finish the job.

I shook my head, and pulled out the revolver.

“Sorry, you lion fuckwit, but the rape train ain't got no brakes.”

Peace Treaty

This has been nagging me a bit, I Blame You has progressed much faster than The Equestrian Bloodmoon in terms of views and tracks.
How does that happen?
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Twilight's library home was near the center of town, by Jay's best guess. It, like many other things, was much larger than he had originally believed. The flutist took a mental note that the books were written in English, if he was untied, he'd at least have something to read. Applejack had taken the liberty of fetching Fluttershy, she probably hadn't gotten to the cottage, yet.

Twilight ran a number of noninvasive tests on the strange creature. She found it to be oddly compliant, perhaps she had been correct in her assumption. Even if the thing didn't have true sapience, it held a passing knowledge of commands. Perhaps its owner had taught it some tricks, Twilight giggled at the thought. Regardless of its intelligence, it was a fascinating subject.

Five fingers on each hand, which ended in blunt claws, a similar arrangement on its feet, but the appendages seemed to lack advanced grip capabilities. It seemed to lack any sort of fur, save for its head, obviously this creature was not meant for colder climates. Its small nose seemed inefficient for inhaling large volumes of air, so long periods of strenuous activity were probably out of the question. But, she supposed it could just use its mouth if it needed to work a lot.

Twilight was actually concerned for the creature's health. It appeared malnourished, to say the least. The strange thing was on the low end for muscle and body fat, perhaps it was at Sweet Apple Acres in search of food. Poor thing, Fluttershy would be able to help it once she arrived.

But its external physiology failed to hold as much of her attention as what it wore. Its glasses implied a visual impairment of some sort, and perhaps an owner that knew its needs. They were made for its exclusive use, too small to do anything but rest on her snout when she tried them on. It wore clothing, but not the sort Pinkie made Gummy wear on occasion, but the sort a pony would wear. The creature was wrapped in a simple, red shirt, by her best guess, with sleeves that ended a quarter of the way down its foreleg. Arm was the appropriate term, she reminded herself, her strange subject was bipedal. Short, brown leggings, which appeared to be for mobility rather than protection, were also present, with a button and zipper too small for anypony to use, unless they were a Unicorn.

Twilight noticed the object of her scrutiny was also observing her.

“You really are pretty smart, aren't you?”

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I readied my firearm, the only hostile life I had encountered in this forest was approaching. Six shots, no more, I sure as hell wasn't going to find any more bullets any time soon. In the next few moments, this environment's apex predator would face the most dangerous creature to ever walk to earth. The best emerged from the brush, carrying something in its mouth. Something bloody and moving, just barely. The manticore held its head low, a submissive gesture, if I recalled my brief study of predatory behaviors. It dropped the bloody thing a few feet from me, my pistol was trained on it the entire time.

It quickly backed away, seeing if I accepted. It was a peace offering of sorts, a gift of food in exchange for a ceasing of hostilities. I didn't want to seem rude, so I approached its present. Satisfied with my compliance, my new, feline friend took its leave. Now I had to figure out what the fuck it just gave me. I almost didn't want to believe how many physiological oddities the injured thing had going on.

It was an equine, with a shorter snout than one would expect to find on a horse. Hell, the whole thing looked like a mare in miniature, only less... horse-like, more human, if that made sense. A horn jutted from its head, I found the thought of a Unicorn amusing, I might just keep this thing. I couldn't much more than that, except for the fact that the manticore had neglected to kill it before giving it to me. The poor thing shuddered in pain, but made no noise to signal discomfort.

Its injuries weren't that extensive, just some cuts, plus the punctures from the manticore's teeth. I knew enough first aid to help it, maybe even save it, with what I had on me. First, I’d need a water source to clean its injuries, and maybe the entire horse. It was surprisingly light, despite the fact that it would reach my waist if it stood on all four hooves, maybe around one hundred and ten pounds.

There was a stream nearby, I’d heard it on the way back to my truck. The water was cool and clear, this would be adequate for what I needed it for. I dipped my undershirt into the stream, and went to work. Using the fishhook and line, I stitched its cuts, and bandaged the punctures with strips I made from cutting that same undershirt. That's odd... this thing's fur is blue, am I in Japan? Because that would make sense, it explains things a little too well.

I decided to finish my job of cleaning the little horse. Its fur was indeed blue, with its mane a being a lighter shade. I scrubbed most of the blood out, it would need another washing before it'd be clean. I started to wash its stomach and hind legs, after all they were cut pretty badly. My hand brushed against somethi... well, no doubt now, this is a mare. I turned the strange, blue mare over to continue, brushing that little incident out of my mind.

Blue, blue, and more blue. After I got used to the odd color of her fur, nothing really surprised me. Hold the phone, whats that? It looks like a tattoo. Why would a horse have a tattoo? That's just silly. The design was of a crescent moon and wand topped with a star. Wait a goddamned minute, that's no fucking tattoo. That's a Cutie Mark if I ever saw one. Everything suddenly made perfect sense: I had somehow managed to transport myself to Equestria, with Jay tagging along. If that was true, then this was the Everfree Forest, which explained the manticore.

That meant Purple Blob could have been Twilight, and Orangey may have been Applejack.

I just saved a pony's life, holy shit, that feels amazing to think.

Blue coat with a lighter blue for a mane... I just saved Trixie's life.

Not sure how I feel about that, yet.

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Fluttershy's examination was thorough, well, as thorough as she could be without prior knowledge of what she was looking at. She claimed it was in good health, but might be tired, so rest was recommended. The creature hadn't given Fluttershy much attention, its focus being held by something else.

Twilight followed its eyes. They made a pattern: left, jump right, drop, repeat. These were made from her point of view, so she just had to reverse it. She came to a realization: it was reading! The specific book was one on Equestrian history and legends, the particular passage was about Nightmare Moon, an odd choice for reading material. Twilight had an idea.

“Fluttershy, could you take the rope from its mouth?” Twilight Sparkle wanted to know what was going on. Right now.

Way To Go, Jay

Freed from the gagging rope, Jay was expected to say something. He proved himself to be comfortable with the situation he found himself in, by staying silent. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight looked at him, expecting the strange creature to make some verbal acknowledgment.

“Maybe he's scared,” Fluttershy suggested, noting the observant look in the teen's eyes. The creature was taking in as much as he could, assimilating every bit of information it could.

“How d' ya know it's a he?” Applejack hadn't seen Fluttershy sex it, and the farmer couldn't think of another way to make that differentiation.

“I think it looks like a he.” Fluttershy just had a talent for these things. The group remained silent for a few moments. Applejack decided to voice her questions about their odd visitor.

“Hey Twi', ya said this thing knew some tricks, right?” Applejack wasn't going to leave without getting her time's worth.

“I said he might know some tricks.” Twilight took notice of the creature's expression, he was up to something.

“Roll over,” Applejack chuckled out, she couldn't even save her laughter until after she gave her command. To everypony's astonishment, the creature complied, rolling over on the floor a few times.

“Sit, boy,” Fluttershy spoke softly, again the teen performed the given order.

“Oh, I guess I’ll give it a try.” Whoever trained the strange animal had done an amazing job, in Twilight's opinion. “Speak.” She fully expected the teen to bark, or make some other bestial noise. The teen opened his mouth to obey.

“Twilight, go die in a fire.”

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I left Trixie in my truck, wrapped in my hoodie for warmth. I cracked the window, just in case she got too hot. I only left after her breathing stabilized, I may be an asshole, but I’m a nice asshole. The showmare's wagon was nearby, I just had to follow the manticore's path back to it. While most fan fictions had her portrayed as having an all-consuming hate-boner for Twilight and Ponyville in general, it seemed she was returning to right some wrongs.

Her cart had a broken axle, which she must have been trying to replace when the manticore attacked. Another case of someone being in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Damn, bad girl goes good, gets attacked by a monster and given as a peace offering to me, who then tries to save her life. What if I hadn't come along when I did? I shuddered a bit, I may not have particularly liked Trixie, but I didn't think she deserved to die, or be eaten by a large feline.

Ponies didn't frequent this road, by my best guess. It ran parallel to the Everfree Forest, very close to the treeline, too dangerous for most travelers. I only came to this conclusion due to the lack of scavenging. Any half-decent bandit or highwayman would have taken the valuables and fled, an abandoned wagon was too tempting a target, and the presence of a rather large store of gold, silver, and bronze coins provided all the evidence I needed.

I took the liberty of rummaging through my ward's belongings for anything I may find useful. Smoke bombs, improved versions from those seen in Boast Busters, these new ones actually obscured the user when thrown down. Nothing in the next drawer I could use, just grooming equipment, but I did pocket a bottle of shampoo, lavender scented. I'm certain the familiar smell would do wonders to keep Trixie calm.

I went through some dressers, but didn't find anything unusual. The most interesting of the useless items was a collection of magazines. I wouldn't make a note of them if they weren't at least somewhat attention worthy. I didn't open them to view their contents, but I doubt it would have been necessary, their titles gave away their fare share of information. I can admit, without pause, that I kept Trixie's porn collection, just my way of keeping the Unicorn in familiar surroundings.

It was then that I hit the jackpot: wizard hats. The showmare had a surprising collection of them, in varying patterns and colors. There was a matching cape under each piece of headgear, I took a few of them for use as blankets, as well as her actual bedspread. I wondered if I was developing kleptomania, but I quickly dismissed the thought, after all, I needed these items.

With a bag full of swag, I made my way back to my stranded vehicle.

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The library was in stunned silence. Jay had, after all, just given Twilight his response to being tied up and examined, in rather unkind words. The flutist was smiling like a fool at the ponies' shocked expressions. He was going to have some fun with this fucked up situation, even if it killed him, which, given Twilight's connections in Canterlot, it very easily could. Regardless of the possibility of death, Jay laughed like no tomorrow.

“Oh, relax, I was joking.” Jay had tears in his eyes, which he couldn't wipe because of his bound hands.

“There was no need to be so rude.” Twilight wasn't amazed by the creature's ability to speak, she'd heard him in the field. Applejack and Fluttershy, however, were astounded by him.

“I have every right to be an asshole right now,” Jay said indignantly. He was sick and tired of these ponies, no offense to them, he was just bored out of his fucking skull.

“And jus' what makes ya' say that?” Applejack had taken an instant disliking of the boy, she did not enjoy his attitude. The fact that he insulted her friend just put nails in the coffin.

“I've been knocked out, tied up, locked in a barn, knocked out again, paraded around town, examined against my will, and treated like dog.” Jay was a renowned smartass, a fact many enjoyed, and an equal number hated. Applejack was quickly put into the latter category.

“That don' give ya the right ta be mean to everypony.” The farmer would never see eye-to-eye with the strange animal, she could just tell.

“How would you feel in my shoes?” Jay wasn't as smart as Taylor when it came to the sciences, but he had intelligence where it counted most: people. That fact had gotten him where he was today, metaphorically speaking of course. The flutist would never purposely work himself into a hole like this. The teen knew enough about reasoning and bargaining to beat the farm pony.

“What's that got ta do with anythin'?” Jay cast the orange mare a snide glare.

“Who would have thought the Apple Family was intolerant?” Jay then realized how big of a cat he'd let out of the bag.

“None of us ever mentioned Applejack's family.” Twilight narrowed her eyes at the strange creature. “Start explaining. Now.”

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Welp, there she is, the latest addition to my little side-project.

Exposition, Exposition Everywhere

I occupied myself by flipping through one of Trixie's dirty magazines. It was very similar to Playboy, classy, with some damn good business advice. It seemed Equestria's money system was similar to my assumptions: one hundred bronze coins equaled one silver coin, the same ratio from silver to gold. The fact still remained that I was viewing images of ponies that were meant to spark interest, but in my defense, it was raining in the Everfree Forest, and I was bored out of my fucking skull.

It was a good thing that Trixie was still sleeping, I dread having to explain myself, even though I’m certain she'll be grateful for my actions. Her injuries weren't that severe, she should be up and moving soon, I didn't feel any torn ligaments earlier. I'll admit that Trixie had been one of my favorites, we're a good bit alike, except I hide the fact that I'm an arrogant asshole. The blue mare shuddered in her sleep, perhaps she was having a dream?

I turned another page, and nearly dropped the dirty rag. I was looking at the centerfold, a reclining, blue, Unicorn mare with a sultry smile on her face. I dry swallowed, and looked at Trixie. Same coat and mane color, but due to her eyes being closed, I couldn't compare her to the photograph. Regardless of the truth, I felt just a tad more awkward around the magician. It's not everyday that I get to save a model. The showmare shuddered in her sleep again, she seemed to do that a lot.

I began to worry about her health, well, more than before. I figured she'd live, but she would definitely be in a world of pain when she woke up. She started shivering, poor thing, it was different from the shudder she gave before. This was much more consistent and prolonged, perhaps she was having a nightmare. I reached down and stroked her mane a few times, and she seemed to calm down. I thought it was adorable when she mumbled something in her sleep.

I decide to lie down next to her, stretch out a bit. Trixie immediately snuggled into me for warmth, she was facing me, a content smile on her face. Her system must be flooded with neurotransmitters right now, the little brain chemicals were probably giving her some psychedelic dreams. I was struck by a worrisome idea: perhaps she was snuggling up to me, not for warmth, but a Pavlovian feeling of safety that she associated with my scent. That could complicate things later, so I hoped it was just for heat, I hoped desperately.

I wonder what she's dreaming about, and as I think, the sound of rain hitting the windshield and roof lulls me off to sleep.

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“I want answers.” Twilight was actually acting hostile, a behavior the teen didn't expect.

“I can't answer you if you don't tell me what you want to know.” Jay was remaining firmly in his comfort zone, there was nothing Twilight was capable of that would hurt him. He didn't think there was, anyway.

“I want to know how you knew about Applejack's family.” Twilight and Applejack eyed him with both anger and suspicion, with Fluttershy remaining silent in the back.

“Wait, you're actually called the Apple Family?” Jay tried to look amazed and slightly amused. “I was being sarcastic. I just guessed on the name because of your crop.” Twilight heard just a hint of dishonesty in his voice, a neat trick for an animal, lying was.

“Jus' what kinda varmint are ya' anyways? Ah've never seen nothin' like ya.” Applejack's tone was one of slight anger, it seemed she hadn't cooled off from Jay's rude remark. The flutist gave a snide smirk and spoke.

“I'm a human, get the egghead to look it up.” Twilight gave a huff, but went towards a bookshelf for the appropriate tome, then stopped and turned around, surprised.

“What makes you think I'm an egghead?” That was Dash's annoying nickname for her, something an outsider wouldn't be able to know. It could have also been a random guess, but Twilight wasn't so sure.

“You responded, didn't you?” Jay put his head back on the floor and laughed silently, he took just a bit too much pleasure in messing with the Unicorn. Twilight gave him a flat look, and went back to searching. “I'd check under mythology, or in a bestiary.”

“H-humans aren't in the bestiary.” Fluttershy spoke in a voice that Jay almost couldn't hear. “I know all about Equestria's animals.” The timid Pegasus blushed and hid behind her mane in response to Jay's scrutiny.

“Why would they be under mythology?”

“Call it a feeling.” Jay tried his best to get comfortable, which is no easy feat on a wooden floor.

“Found it!” Twilight was surprised to see the entry in Creatures of Lore and Fable, an old book, published a century earlier. “Let's see here...”

Humans: a sapient mammal from Griffin lore often attributed to the disappearance of hunting parties and the death of newly hatched chicks. The first mention of the creature in Equestria was in 153, Celestia's Reign. The human was shone to be benevolent, while also quick to jump to violence if a pony it cared about was in danger. It played a key role in the War of the Red Gem, rallying Equestrian forces into a frenzy. Sadly, the strange visitor was exiled as part of the demands made by the defeated Diamond Dog armies, which it complied with saying I will do as I must to keep order and peace in these lands, lest they become stained with unnecessary blood. The human hasn't been referenced since, though a statuette has been placed in the Hall of Heroes in its memory.

For Pre-Equestrian information, please consult Legends of the Pridelands.

“I think Lyra checked that book out last week.” Twilight was thinking aloud then, but Jay knew the implications made by her remark. Maybe he wouldn't have to wait on Taylor for a rescue, after all. Well, at least Jay knew there had been other humans in Equestria, even if they may be long dead.

“Ya kill griffin babies?” Applejack gave the teen a look of disgust, seemed she had ignored the part about the human statue in the Hall of Heroes.

“Applejack, I think he was just as surprised as the rest of us about that.” Leave it to Fluttershy to be reasonable about this.

“Regardless of his surprise, I think we should inform the Princess.”

Well... shit.

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Now, readers, you get to vote... about the possibilities of shippings
Leave a comment or message me with your responce, as well as suggestions.
If I get few or no replies for it, it will not happen.
If the inverse occurs, there will be shipping.

Lies and Slander

Alternate Title: The Day Jay Fucked Me Over
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shit oh shit oh shit ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit

“Hold on, please.” Jay wasn't certain of the Princess' possible reaction, then came to a wonderful realization: Spike wasn't there. The teen was safe, for the time being. That little fact didn't stop Twilight from writing, though, and the room was left in silence, save the sound of a scratching quill. The Unicorn stopped, and looked at the human.

“Don't you think we should let Princess Celestia know about this?” Twilight didn't understand why he seemed so worried. After all, she would know how to handle the human, wasn't that a good thing?

“Hell no!” Jay almost yelled, but the fear of inciting retaliation kept his voice at conversational levels. “Can I have a minute to explain, please?” While he didn't want to let the Hub cat out of the bag, the flutist wanted to buy some time.

“Go ahead.” Twilight wanted to see if he'd give away more evidence against himself. Something about the prospect of informing the Princess had the teen worried, he must be hiding something important.

“This is going to sound weird, but bear with me with me.” The flutist took a deep breath, and began to spin his wonderful lie. “I'm from a far-away land called Alabama, and have been tasked with a mission of dire importance.”

“Alabama? I've never heard of a country called that.” Twilight performed the same display of curiosity Jay was so accustomed to.

“That doesn't surprise me, we haven't been on good terms with your Princesses for a few thousand years.” Jay was making shit up on the fly. “But, that's not important. I was sent to Ponyville to prevent the assassinations of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Somepony's trying to kill us?!” Fluttershy looked like she was about to have a heart attack, she might be having one right now, actually.

“Jus' who's after us?” Applejack jumped to Jay, getting as close as possible. “C'mon, spit it out!” The flutist fumbled for a second, believable in this situation, made so by the fear of another kick.

“The guy's name is Taylor.” Jay knew his friend would kill him for this, but on the other hand, fair is fair. The asshole had gotten the flutist into worse trouble than being stuck in a land of magical, talking ponies. “He's dangerous in the extreme. My king ordered me to protect the six of you with my life.”

“Ya don' look like ya'd put up much of a fight.” Applejack gave him a thorough once-over, sizing him up. “Ya sure yer the one that got picked?” In response, Jay sat back up. He looked the orange pony in the eyes, and rose to his feet. The flutist struggled with the bindings in an attempt to remove them. “Ain't no way yer getting' outta those, tied 'em mahself.”

“I wasn't picked because I'm tough.” Jay's sentence was punctuated by the ropes hitting the floor. “I was picked because I'm the slipperiest sonofabitch around.” The flutist's smirk couldn't gotten any wider. “Just wanted to clear things up for your letter, Twilight, having false information can be disastrous in situations this critical.” Applejack and Fluttershy were busy trying to absorb the information, the human's lies seemed so true, but one doesn't trick the Element of Honesty easily.

With a stunned nod, Twilight Sparkle went back to writing, including both Jay's tale, and her thoughts on it. By the Unicorn's guess, things were going to become much more interesting around Ponyville. Surely Celestia would know what to make of it all. Applejack continued to observe the human, trying to make heads or tails of him. She stared at him with narrowing eyes.

Slipperiest sonofabitch, indeed.

“If yer here to protect us, what are our names?” Applejack thought she'd caught him, but was easily proven wrong.

“Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. Magic, Honesty, Kindness, Generosity, Laughter, and Loyalty, respectively.” The flutist was met with wide eyes, but a still-suspicious farmer.

“Ah thought ya said Alabama an' Equestria weren't on good terms right now, how d'ya know our names?” Ah, the farmer had walked him into a trap, clever girl.

“My king has eyes and ears everywhere, from Canterlot to Draconia.” Jay seriously hoped Draconia was an actual country's name here. “For information only, of course, we wouldn't want to start a war or anything.” Jay added that last bit quickly, an attempt to keep them from jumping to the wrong conclusion.

“When Spike gets back, I'll send my letter.” Twilight looked both relieved and scared at what she'd heard, but above all, she remained suspicious of the human. If what he said was true, somepony wanted them dead, if they were false, then Princess Celestia would have the knowledge to deal with the strange biped. “You humans have names, right?”

“Yeah, my name's Jay Braden, call me Jay.”

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Under normal circumstances, Trixie Lulamoon would be panicking. These were not normal circumstances, but she remained calm, despite the pain that permeated her body. She knew what she was looking at, understood everything the strange thing had done for her. It was male, if the quick peek she'd taken was to be believed, and quite asleep. He had tasked himself with protecting the showmare, even providing basic medical attention.

Trixie looked around the strange room they shared. It was oddly shaped, with an equally odd set of windows. A strange wheel and axle combination was on the side opposite of them. Under the unusual wheel lay a collection of magazines, with the uppermost being her centerfold. Not her proudest moment, but she had to make money somehow. She wasn't even slightly embarrassed that her rescuer had seen her in that compromising position, if anything, she was relieved, just one less secret to keep.

The magician scooted away from her impromptu protector to get a better look at him. His dark green tunic was stained brown in some places, likely Trixie's own blood. Blue, denim pants covered his legs, they were frayed in some placed, and his entire set of clothes was caked with mud, most of which had been wiped off before it could set in. So, he had at least basic knowledge of sanitation and proper attire. They weren't the only articles he wore, Trixie was currently wrapped in a dark blue, hooded jacket, also stained with what was likely her blood.

A sudden vibration in her protector's pocket startled her. He moved one of his arms and groaned groggily, pulling out a black, rectangular object from his pants. Trixie made her eyes as small as she could, hoping he wouldn't notice she was awake. He was careful not to disturb her, lest her sleep be interrupted. The showmare was fascinated by his strange behavior, he put what looked like a key into a slot on the strange wheel's axle, and turned slightly.

The strange room jumped to life, strange lights in the form of numbers and letters flashed on some sort of console. Static filtered from hidden speakers, perhaps a radio? A scary, hydraulic noise sounded off as a window descended partway, Trixie could only assume the same thing occurred when the sound came from behind her. She felt one of his hands on touch her head, partially stroking behind one of her ears.

“I hope I'm back before you wake up, you're gonna be scared, and if you try to run, you might hurt yourself worse than you already are.” Trixie saw him exit through one of the walls, which was actually a door of some sort. “Stay safe, Trixie, and don't panic.” He closed the door, and disappeared into the night. There went her strange guardian angel, a bipedal enigma.

He had impressed the manticore into giving her away, why had he rescued her?

And why didn't she feel like running?

Insert Clever Title Here

Jay and the pony trio had relaxed somewhat, at least the flutist got to sit on a cushion. Which was more than he could probably say for his friend, once that letter gets sent, Celestia will come rolling in, metaphorical guns blazing. The teen just hoped he could set things straight before then, Taylor would understand, he was just doing what needed to be done.

“Why is this Taylor coming to kill us?” Twilight was unable to wrap her head around the scenario.

“Humans have close ties to Discord, Taylor thinks that with one, or all, of you dead, the Elements' hold over the God of Chaos will be broken.” Jay shook his head, and tried to look as close to that guy from Terminator as he could, the burned-out soldier facade might help his case.

“Why would he want to bring Discord back?” Fluttershy still spoke in a soft voice, but had made improvements around the teen.

“Taylor has a chemical imbalance in his brain.” The flutist scoffed at his own response, he knew his friend had a few screws loose, but who didn't? To go that far with it was unacceptable in his mind. “Makes him think things out, but see things as logical even if they make no sense.”

“The lore entry doesn't mention any connection to Discord, or chaos in general, though.” Jay had managed to unleash Twilight's inner nerd, and she wanted more knowledge. “Why would Taylor think about releasing something evil like that, anyway?” Twilight apparently hadn't heard Fluttershy ask the exact question earlier. To the Unicorn's surprise, the human laughed.

“Trying to base a conclusion about humanity from one subject is using one painting as a reference for every work of art ever made.” The teen waved his hands as he spoke, an odd habit. “But, about your mention of evil, it doesn't exist.”

“How can ya say that, when there's plenty a' evil things in th' world?” Applejack didn't follow his reasoning, nopony really could without some cultural insight.

“By my own experience, evil doesn't exist, and neither does good. Nature has no place for them, nature knows only balance and imbalance, two sides of a scale.”

“If either side gets too heavy, or gets too much influence...” Twilight trailed off, but everypony knew what she was getting at.

“Then the scale falls over.” Jay was never philosophical, but he'd had a few deep conversations with his friend about things like this. “I assume I don't need to explain it.”

“So, Taylor's trying to tip the scale?” Twilight was starting to understand just how serious this situation was.

“No, he's trying to restore balance, in his own, weird way.” The flutist was met with strange, curious looks from the three. “Like I said earlier, he doesn't think like a normal human.” Things settled after that. Applejack's apprehension about the human was still at high levels. Once you set off her bullshit alarm, you can't earn her trust without really working for it.

But all the relaxation washed away when a purple dragon opened the door.

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I was glad it wasn't raining outside the forest, that was the last thing I needed right now. I had a lot on my mind at the moment, and that could affect my performance. Jay's being held in Ponyville, likely Twilight's library, Celestia may have been informed, actually, that was almost a given. In an equal level of importance, Trixie was pretending to be asleep earlier, she underestimated how easily awoken I am. I'll probably have to find her, and patch her up again when I get back.

Was Ponyville usually swarming with Royal Guards? I don't think it is. Jay must have royally screwed the pooch on this one. Come on, Taylor, think. What would Big Boss do in a situation like this? It was then that I knew what must be done. I hoped I was as stealthy as I thought, because if I get caught, I’m fucked.

I ducked down behind some shrubbery, just in front of a house, shutters drawn. Dark green and brown are good camouflage at night, and with the light fog that drifted in from the Everfree, combined with the thin veil of clouds blocking the moon, conditions were perfect. A patrol moved by, Equestrian flashlights are designed to be held in the mouth, so they couldn't give orders to each other. Let's see them call for help.

There was one at the back, young, he was scared out of his mind right now. He didn't have a light with him, so shouting would be a problem, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about the flash alerting anyone. I crept up behind him and pulled out my knife. In an instant, I had him back in my hiding spot, mouth clamped over, and blade at his throat. I smashed the pommel into the junction between his skull and spine, a small portion of the spinal cord is exposed there, as in most vertebrates. With proper pressure, he was rendered unconscious, with no long-term side effects, hopefully.

I searched his body for a map, orders, anything I could find. Let's see... wallet, keys, love letter, ah! Here we are, orders from Princess Celestia. I read every line of it, several times in fact. Jay, you sonofabitch, when I get my hands on you...

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” The voice was perfect, and I nearly shat my pants in fear, oh, the Oblivion flashbacks. I didn't think, I just ran. Damn these boots and their steel toes, always making my nailbeds sore, and curse the metal shavings that stabbed my feet as I ran. I didn't have a map, but I had wild abandon and no regard for my own safety. They wanted to catch a monster, I’ll show them a monster.

I rounded a corner, a familiar tree came into view, Princess Celestia and Jay were talking to each other, and three of the Mane Six were outside, looking in. The two guards posted at the door held my attention, though, as I ran by. Like hell I was going to willingly be in the same room as the sun goddess. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the group watching me, including the Princess. I was thankful that the two guards didn't give chase, at least they followed orders.

The squad from earlier was still in hot pursuit, why did they have to follow orders? I jumped onto a ladder, there was no way they could follow up here, and for good measure, I threw the ladder down. That's when I noticed the Pegasi in their group. Time to pull a Faith, too bad I've never played Mirror's Edge, and never done parkour in my life. Nevertheless, I took off in a dead sprint.

Why did buildings in Ponyville have to be so rustic? If I wasn't slipping on shingles, I was falling through thatching.

“COME ON, JUST GIVE UP!” I heard the guards voice, but had no fucks to give. I jumped from one rooftop to the next, hoping for a break, some cover. I may have had my gun, but just because I can, doesn't mean I should.

“GO FUCK YOURSELF!” Might as well piss them off, not like I care about their feelings. Wait, shit, if they catch me, they can get me back for it, just great. I focused on running again, searching for an escape route, anything would do. I noticed a slim crevice in between two residential, apartment-style buildings. That was as good as it'd get, I suppose, so I jumped into it.

Who puts a balcony in an alley? Not that I’m angry, or anything, just perplexed at this oddity. I checked the door, locked, just my luck. Hoofsteps from inside neared, most likely the owner. My pursuers pass over, and swoop down to grab me. I jumped and land in a pile of trash, did anyone clean these up, ever?

I shook myself, to get in gear, and bolted through the web of connected alleyways. Left, left, right, left, right, right, and... brick wall. A door is to my left, and another on my right, neither are locked, but which do I choose? Fuck it, I'm going left, choosing right got me in this mess.

“If I'd known a human would come in my back door, I'd leave it unlocked more often.” That was a strange voice, female, with a touch of both humor and amazement. The room was dim, but at least I'd evaded those chasing me, for now. So I'm not looking the gift horse in the mouth.

“You aren't going to turn me in, are you?” I had to ask, in between my panting, I’ve never run that far in my life.

“Of course not, I've been waiting for a moment like this since I was a little filly.” The voice giggled a bit. Damn, why hadn't my eyes adjusted yet? I needed to see who to thank. I squeezed my eyes shut, and opened them, yep, that reflex still worked. I looked at the mare who'd taken me in, and nearly screamed like a little, manly girl.

I was looking at Lyra Heartstrings.

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That awkward moment when you unintentionally put in innuendo.

Celestia is Oddly Calm About This

Time to point out something Jay told me:

>Taylor knew Trixie was awake.
>Trixie looked in Taylor's pants.
>Taylor had no problem with this.

I didn't even notice that
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It had taken less than five minutes. Spike blew green flames onto the sealed scroll, and Celestia had immediately replied, by landing just in front of the library, accompanied by at least sixty guards. The Princess took one look at Jay, and request the three Elements to give the two of them some privacy. The Alicorn gave the teen a stern glare, at least while the Elements were present.

“You know, lying to them wasn't a good idea.”

“I said those things so you'd know I was lying.” A look of understanding crossed the Princess' features.

“The last humans to show up here weren't so clever about things.” Jay looked surprised at this, he remembered the lore entry about humans, but didn't know Celestia would be so direct about it.

“How many others have been here before us?” Celestia seemed to think for a moment, wearing that odd expression one has when deep in thought.

“Thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, over the course of history.” Celestia gave a noncommittal wave of a hoof. “The most recent appearance was about a month ago, in the Griffin Pridelands” Celestia paused for a bit, then grimaced. “Nasty outcome, from what the High Chancellor wrote to me.”

“That whole thing about eating Griffin chicks, that wasn't true, was it?” The teen knew there was a grain of truth in every legend.

“Unfortunately, yes.” The Alicorn gave the teen a once-over. “I'm surprised you haven't asked about what I intend to do about this.” Jay shrugged, and gave his reply.

“I figured that if you wanted to arrest me, you would've carted me off already.” Jay was reacting better than he'd originally thought he would, but couldn't get over how uncomfortable being around the Princess was. “But, can you get us back home?”

“Depends, were you brought here by magic?” The Alicorn may have been able to give some assistance, but only under certain conditions.

“No, Taylor built a machine that makes you travel faster than light,” Celestia looked impressed at that, what sounded like teleportation, without magic. “Can you help at all?”

“Sadly, I can't.” the Princess actually looked a bit put off by that bit of information. “If magic had been the cause,then maybe, but technology is out of my jurisdiction.” Seemingly in afterthought, the Princess asked a question. “Taylor's not really here to hurt the Elements, right?” Celestia was kind, not stupid, she had to know.

“I would say he's a saint, but, he's going to hell in all likelihood.” Jay chuckled nervously at the Alicorn's blank stare. “But he's harmless, for the most part.” Jay started off smiling, but his expression fell as a certain teenager ran by the window, with a squad of guards tailing him. “Goddammit, Taylor. Could you ignore that, please?”

“Where do you think he's going?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, Princess.”

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“Make yourself at home, please.” Lyra was trying to be a good hostess, fucking adorable. I would love to take a seat, but there is the slight issue of being covered in mud, that I have yet to deal with. When the seafoam Unicorn produced a a small towel and covered a portion of the couch, it would have been rude to refuse. “When I saw the other one being carried through town, I knew just what it was.”

“So, you know about humans?” I asked that in a way that made it seem more like a statement than anything else.

“Only since magic kindergarten! I've read books, had dreams, even theorized about humans.” Seemed Lyra was more excited than me about this little meet and greet. I didn't even know that was possible, but then again, I'm in a land full of colorful, magical, talking ponies, I told reality to fuck off hours ago. If they had legends about humans here, then perhaps our worlds are connected in some manner. Princess Celestia may be able to send us back! That is, if I can get her on my side.

“How does one theorize about a living being?” I ducked as a patrol went by the window. I was just making smalltalk until the heat died down, if it would at all.

“Well, things like how you do things without magic, like fly and grow lots of food.” I should have figured mass production and mechanized flight would seem amazing to a third party.

“Just where do you get these little peeks at humanity?”

“I have dreams, but sometimes I think they're more like visions.” She became more and more bashful as she neared the end of her sentence, can't say I blame her. I'm not surprised about being able to see Earth in her dreams, many geniuses dream of fanciful impossibilities. Perhaps sapient beings can think a bridge between worlds into existence, perhaps the bridges already exist, and we just have to use them.

Wait, I'm evading pursuit, why am I focusing on a philosophical matter?

“Do humans ever have those?” Lyra was a curious one, in a good way.

“I get some of my best ideas from dreaming.” It was true, for almost every problem I had ever encountered in life, I’ve solved thanks to dreaming of a solution. “So, I suppose, we do have visions in our sleep. I'd wager that we have them quite often.”

I rose to check the window, nothing, they must be patrolling another area at the moment. Should I try and make a break for it, or stay and chat until I can think of a plan? What to do, what to do? With a brief pause, I made my decision.

“Lyra, could you do me a favor?” She gave me a quizzical look. “I'll answer any questions you have tomorrow if you do.” She nearly squealed in excitement, I would have spent any extra time dancing around the issues at hand if I stayed, anyway.

“Just ask, I’ve got your back, uh...” Oh, right, I hadn't introduced myself.

“The name is Taylor. But, I need you to stash something near Sweet Apple Acres for me.”

“What do I need to hide?” At least she'd work with me on this, little human fangirl.

“Any antiseptic you can lend, I'll be sure to repay in the future. I have an injured friend that I need to tend to. Make sure her wounds don't get infected, y'know?” Lyra's eyes widen, and I realized that I hadn't specified whether or not my friend was human. Oh well, what she doesn't know, won't hurt her..

“I'll do my best!” Lyra actually saluted me, where is my camera when I need it?

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In the Everfree Forest, four hooves touched the ground. Their owner winced as pain shot up her legs, but she decided to ignore it, she had bigger things on her mind. Her personal guardian angel had left some time ago, and she was worried, which surprised her. The blue mare looked towards the very faint glow of streetlamps on the horizon, and prepared herself.

Wrapped in her protector's dark blue jacket, and wielding an L-shaped metal rod she'd found in a box under the seat, Trixie limped towards Ponyville.

A Wild Update Appears!

“Where could he have gone?” Celestia was addressing herself, but questioned the entire group as well.

“He ducked into an alley, Your Highness, we lost him.” A Pegasus guard had his head down as he spoke.

“Were there any likely exits?” Celestia didn't sound angry, in fact, she wasn't. Jay had made certain to ease her fears about his friend. But the Princess knew better, she had experience with humans few other beings could ever hope to match. She knew how much of a wild card a human could be, especially when in unfamiliar territory.

“We checked the entire alley, there were two doors at a dead end” The guard still hung his head in shame, “We checked the unlocked one, but the owner must have moved out some time before, nothing had disturbed the dust on the floor.”

“Taylor is a master when it comes to escapes.” Jay felt he needed to keep up his little charade, for the time being.

“How did you catch him before?” The guard raised his head to the human. Protocol dictated that all operations were in the hooves of more experienced personnel, and right now, that was the flute player.

“We didn't have to.” This response drew a number of curious looks from the gathered ponies, excluding the Princess.

“Could you, um, explain, please?” Fluttershy was still scared of the prospect of an assassin on the prowl, and it showed. “If that's not too much.” Jay couldn't help but smile at her reluctance to speak.

“Taylor and I used to work together, in the same department, under the King Billy.” That was a shock to those gathered, even Celestia was curious of this new twist in the teen's web of lies. “Our government kept people on staff to, how should I put this?, silence dissenters, rebels, heads of foreign nations, and, occasionally, a guard that asked too many questions.” The flutist finished by giving the two uniformed stallions a strange look.

“As much as I enjoy you terrorizing my guardsponies, I must ask you to be serious.” Celestia's voice was firm, yet she was gentle in her chastising.

“Fine, ruin my fun, Taylor is going to go after the remaining Elements. I'd check Rarity's boutique, or Sugarcube Corner.” Before any questions could be aired, Jay answered them. “We have files on the Elements back in the palace.”

“Sugarcube Corner is on the other side of town, are you sure he'd target Pinkie this late at night?” Twilight was attempting to put the pieces of Jay's web of lies together. Thankfully, it was like solving a five thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of clear, blue sky.

“I've worked with the guy, he always goes for the obvious targets, the distance is a deterrent for investigation.” Jay was lying out his ass at this point, there was no way Taylor would cross that much ground at night, not when there were plenty of homes he could break into. “I would suggest sending a squad to guard the Elements of Generosity and Laughter, while Princess Celestia and I will guard the remaining Elements.” Even the Princess couldn't find a flaw in the plan, and she knew he was lying.

“Captain Glade, I want you to head the squad in charge of the Element of Kindness,” Celestia gave the order with authority, “Captain Flare, you're protecting Generosity, make sure the assassin doesn't come within thirty feet of them.”

“YES, YOUR MAJESTY!” Both the stallions barked the affirmative, and set out at a blinding pace. Jay almost lost his cool at their voices, both were combat veterans, if Taylor ran into either of them, the flutist doubted he'd survive.

“Now that Tweedledee and Tweedledum are gone, we can start on the real plan.”

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I left shortly after Lyra. A passing squad nearly caught me, I really wanted to avoid them, the one at the front scared me. I wonder why they didn't check the bush I was behind, because that's where they found me the first time. Contrary to the earlier bits of evidence, I am quite stealthy, just easily made oblivious to my surroundings. All was quiet, fog was rolling in larger amounts than before, but the clouds had uncovered the moon, so anything in the mist appeared as a silhouette. Just what I need, my camouflage rendered useless, unless I crawl.

I'm not crawling, it'd be a waste of energy and time, I'll sacrifice safety for speed. Walking on the unpaved, grassy streets was a silent, relaxing way to get around. Even so, my senses were tuned to the surrounding area, searching for any noise or sign of movement. So, it's foggy, nighttime, and I’m on the run, yep, Equestria is way better than Earth. The fuck was that!? Oh, just a stray cat, my bad.

Another squad went through the intersection just ahead of me, crossing my path, but not noticing me. I have to admit, I think I'm going to have a heart attack, I've seen too many horror movies, I know something is just going to jump out at me. Not that I’m jumpy, or anything, I just want to protect my life. There was the library, Celestia and the traitorous fuck I called a friend had cleared out, probably scared the assassin would come back.

Taking a step forward, my foot broke a small cord.

Floodlights turned on all around me, catching and scattering their light on the fog. I was blinded by the bright, white glow. Hooves pounded near me, to my rear and left side, both equal distances from me. What felt like a linebacker slammed into my side, and I skidded on the ground, what does the Princess feed these guys?.

“Ow, damn,” I muttered as I tried to right myself. That was, at very least, a few bruised ribs. I stood quickly, holding my knife in a defensive posture, blade pointed downward. Okay, so maybe I'm not that good when it comes to fighting with a knife, but at least I'm trying to avoid being captured. A guard charged me, his silhouette giving him away, I clocked him with my best left hook. If I haven't made my point to Sir Isaac Newton, I shall reiterate, I hate you with the passion of a thousand suns.

Inertia sent the stallion crashing into my legs, bastard must have weighed as much as me, at least. I slugged him again, this time with my right, the blade caught him just above the eye. With a kick, I was freed from his substantial weight, and blood was already blinding his left eye. I ducked, and his partner flew over my back, I punted him in the jaw, and immediately wished I hadn't. The steel toe of my boot sliced into my foot.

While I was off balance, another pony engaged. I slammed whoever it was to the ground, green eyes. Did Celestia really just allow Applejack to fight me, the person she thinks is a deadly assassin? Regardless of the possibility, I got up and started back on the two guards.

“That's quite enough, Taylor.” The voice was commanding and regal. The fog cleared, revealing Princess Celestia and that sonofabitch that betrayed me.

“Listen, dude,” Jay began. “I can help but you have to cooperate with-”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF, JAY!”

“I must ask that you watch the language around my subjects.” Celestia was annoyed at my foul mouth, but she had a strange glimmer of understanding in her eyes. What the hell was going on here?

“We can get this all sorted-” Jay was cut off by a glowing object crashing into the side of his head.

Was that a flying tire iron?

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is here to rescue you!”

Can't Escape Now

“I thought I told you to stay back at the truck.” The ponies watched with eyes that, to me, appeared to express complete lack of understanding.

“Trixie was asleep when you gave that command.” Was she trying to stroke my ego? Seriously, how was my suggestion a command?

“No you weren't, you were wide awake.” Trixie's eyes widened a bit, before she regained her composure. There was no way she would act stupid now, she was trying to make up for her misbehavior from Boast Busters.

“Surely a noble warrior such as yourself would take a fair magician's word?” Yep, definitely stroking my ego. Flattery gets one nowhere when it comes to me, I am a wall of indifference when it comes to compliments. Wait, that's wrong, getting a compliment that I haven't earned pisses me off to no extent.

“Can somepony please explain what's going on here?” I have never heard Twilight so annoyed, wait, nevermind, I have. She was scientifically minded, and I have no doubt she would see the truth of my predicament, I’m certain she could even offer some assistance. That is, if Jay hasn't poisoned her against me.

“Listen, it's a long story, I'm sure the details would bore you.” Twilight gave me a look that said eat shit. At least, that's how I read it.

“If Princess Celestia allows it, we have plenty of time.” Twilight looked to Celestia for confirmation, looking bashful about her previous forwardness. To her relief, the Solar Princess nodded.

“Yes, Taylor, I'm interested in hearing your side of the story.” Did she know Jay lied to her? Seems likely, but I can't really come out and ask, now can I?

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be ignored!” I liked her better when she was unconscious.

“Can I think for one second?” I had raised my voice for that, probably a bad idea. I've been in Equestria for what, like eight hours? How do things fly this far south in that little time? Oh yeah, they'd found Jay first, asshole ruins everything for me.

“Why is nopony paying attention to Trixie?” The showmare kept looking at me, giving a slight jerk of her head, towards the edge of town.

“We'll deal with you after we're through with this varmint.” Did Jay piss Applejack off? Oh, that's cute, she thinks she can act tough around me. I think I was chuckling a bit, because the farmer started glaring at me. “Sumthin' funny?” Where the hell did this attitude come from?

“I'm just laughing because it seems your coltfriend has filled your head with lies about me.” The look on her face, oh god, now that is what I call a Kodak moment. “Relax, I'm yanking your chain.” That got a hidden smile from Celestia, two looks of confused aggression, and Fluttershy trying to conceal her slight grin with a hoof. “You mad?”

“I'm not... mad, really.” My pancreas almost shut down, how could Jay even lie about me wanting to hurt any of the Elements? They're too damn cute to kill. Why did Fluttershy think I was talking to her? Not that I wouldn't, but it was directed to Applejack.

“Yer right Ah'm mad, Jay here said ya were tryin' ta kill one of us, and yer jus' standin' there, jokin' around?”

“Are you complaining about Trixie's guardian angel not killing you?” Now Trixie has gone from ego stroking, being annoying, to giving the other ponies more questions. Thanks, and nice centerfold, by the way.

“Before any of you ask, I'll explain later.”

“He pummeled a manticore into submission, and the beast gave Trixie to him as tribute!” The showmare tried to do her famous cape flourish, only to yelp in pain and fall on her ass. Was she trying to get me in deeper shit? Because Fluttershy looked horrified at the thought of me tanning some manticore hide.

“Trixie, get the facts straight, I stabbed it.” That's when everypony looked just as shocked as the Element of Kindness, save Celestia. She's starting to grow on me, she gives the same amount of fucks as me. “Is it that much of a surprise?” I shook the knife for emphasis.

“Will somepony start making sense?” I haven't seen Twilight so frazzled since Swarm of the Century. Ha, I’m causing the egghead confusion, and I take to much pleasure form that.

“Ow...” Well, what do you know, Jay's alive! “What hit me?”

“I think that was a tire iron.” Now it was my turn to wonder what was going on. Celestia knew what a tire iron was? There's more going on here than I had originally believed.

“How did you know that?” I cocked my head to the side and slightly raised one of my lower eyelids. The Princess seemed to recognize the gesture, she blinked a few times, the smiled sagely.

“I took a guess, was I right?” She lied straight through her wavy mane, and now I knew the Alicorn had met humans before. Sometimes denying information just gives more away, and that must have been her intention.

“Where did the tire iron come from?” Jay was trying to stand, and I barely resisted the urge to send him back to the ground with a fist. I doubt the stallions ready to pounce me would appreciate that.

“The box under my truck's seat, probably.” I said that like I was discussing the weather. Jay finally rose to his feet, wobbling, but still up. He clutched the side of his head, there was a large, red stain, most likely blood. I think Trixie gave him a concussion, nice shot, little pony. The flutist looked at the showmare, well, in the direction the offending metal rod had come from, anyway.

“How do you know Trixie?”

“Jay, doesn't a nap sound really nice right about now?” Twilight looked worried, and angry, about my statement.

“Don't you know sleeping with a head injury is dangerous?” Now the bookworm gets an attitude, really intimidating.

“That's why I recommended the nap.” In my defense, Jay is a traitor that deserves to die, like all who betray the trust of others. I have now managed to destroy any possibility of Twilight having a positive opinion of me.

“Relax, we joke like that all the time, right buddy?” Jay stumbled drunkenly towards me. He put his hand on my shoulder, trying to be friendly. “Now, we can get started.”

“Jay, get that hand off me, now.” It's not like I hate being touched, I just hate being touched in a condescending way.

“Aw, come on, man, don't be like that.” Jay smiled, and winced in pain, as he squeezed my shoulder.

“Trixie would take her hoof off him if she were you.” Did that phrase even make sense in the third person?

“Listen to the Unicorn, Jay.” I shot my fellow teen a dirty look. “I wrecked a mutant lion's shit earlier.”

“You did that? Dude that's awesome.” Jay grinned like a moron. I was struck with a realization at that moment.

“We need to get you to a hospital don't we?” In response, Jay nodded.

“Probably, why are your eyes bleeding?” That was the last thing he could say. It's hard to speak with your face on the ground, not like I caught him when he fainted. Fluttershy, acting as her usual self, rushed to his aid. “Why does this grass taste like human blood?”

“He need a doctor?” I aimed the query at the yellow Pegasus, hoping for an informed response.

“Y-yes.” She flinched when I spoke, I can't say I blame her, I’m a big dude with a bloody knife. Even I'd be a little squeamish about hanging around Camp Crystal Lake's infamous psychopath.

“I don't suppose we can interrogate me at the hospital, can we?”

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Well, my vacation ends tomorrow, so I won't be busy until Monday!

Who's a Clever Title?

I feel weird even thinking this, but my eyes actually enjoyed the discomfort the florescent lights gave. With their electric buzzing and annoying brightness, they provided a sense of normalcy in an otherwise strange situation. But, like treating the pain of a bullet wound with a Tylenol, the small comfort did nothing to aid the stark reality of sharing a hospital hallway with a group of ponies. Have I mentioned how freakishly oversized their eyes are? Because they're fucking huge.

“What d'ya think yer starin' at?” Applejack still thinks she can be tough, and had my morals not prevented me from hitting a woman, I shudder to think what I'd do.

“A silly pony.” Celestia stifled a giggle at my joke. How did she get that? I don't care what explanation anyone can give for this, but I have my own suspicions about just how much the Solar Princess knows.

“Who's a silly pony?” Applejack had an incredibly small tolerance for my antics, well too bad. I'm riding a neurotransmitter high right now, and that keeps me from giving a fuck. I feigned ignorance for the sake of comedy, I shall continue the gag.

“I'm sorry, what?” Just a slight tilt of the head, and boom, instant, believable curiosity.

“Who is?” At that, Celestia choked a laugh down, she definitely knows about the show, or at least thing associated with it.

“You is!” I regret not learning the names and functions of every chemical used in the brain, because I want to thank whichever one is making me cackle like a madman. I am beginning to worry for what little sanity I have left, even I thought the joke was stupid, so why was I laughing so hard?

“Are you okay?” Twilight took a worried step towards me, why the one-eighty in behavior? Isn't she suppose to think I'm here to kill her? Thinking of that, why hasn't Celestia had her guards beat, capture, and torture me, all before she sends me to the moon for my transgressions? Because I've heard the moon is awful this time of year.

“I have no idea!” I just kept laughing, I rolled out of my chair. Tears poured down my face from the exertion, I can't breathe right now, my lungs are too occupied. It think I’ve finally gone off the deep end, I've never emoted this much in my life! Did I seriously just think the word emoted, is that even a word? I think it is.

A pain in my neck shocked me, just slightly. It was a needle, and judging by the slight stinging that permeated the area it was sticking, likely a syringe. Within a few moments my brain started to calm, they'd hit me with a tranquilizer dart, clever girls. The dosage must have been meant for a pony, because the drowsiness plateaued quickly, and left me very much awake.

“Thanks, I needed that.” I sighed a bit, maybe things would be okay, because that seriously scared the everliving piss out of me. I only fear one thing in life, and that is being insane, I even avoid substances that affect my behavior, just to stay myself.

“Trixie is confused by what just happened.” I think one of us was going to explain, but was interrupted by the door to Jay's room opening. Nurse Redheart, I think it was, stepped out.

“He's fine, but we need to keep him overnight for observation.” Her professional attitude astounded me, after all, had the roles been reversed, I would be dissecting/vivisecting the hell out any unknown, sapient lifeforms I found.

“I'm glad to hear that.” Fluttershy took her love of animals to the extreme, didn't she? Regardless of the truth, the little situation returned to normal. However, there were still many questions hanging in the air.

“Taylor,” Celestia began. “Has that ever happened before?” I think she was referring to my episode.

“In truth, nope, that's the first time.” I could still hear a slightly manic tone in my voice.

“Why do you think it happened?” Celestia seemed worried, but why? She has no need alliance with me, regardless of how she behaves. This must just be an act, an attempt to force my guard down, make me complacent.

“I think the reality of my situation caught up with me.” I leaned against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. I couldn't stop myself from chuckling at the premise, seriously, I'm in Equestria! This has to be the most fucked up thing that has ever happened to me, or at least in the top ten.

“I suppose grim epiphanies can have that effect.” Celestia was either trying to understand, truly understood, or was faking in order to make my capture easier. I shook my head to clear the foolish thoughts from my head, if she wanted me captured, she would have done it already.

“Ah don' get what's goin' on.” Applejack was still stern, but seemed to allow curiosity to color her judgement. “Ah mean, first we get that Jay feller, an' he says the two of ya' worked together, but now ya' want us dead.” Applejack was the Element of Honesty, so perhaps she could pick up on Jay's lies, or at least his inconsistencies. “Then, you show up outta nowhere, armed, an' try to say ya weren't meaning no harm, then Trixie,” The farmer pointed at the showmare, who huffed in response. “Says ya' pummeled a manticore an' saved 'er life. Nothin' 'bout this whole day is makin' any sense!”

“Applejack, you're dealing with humans, we never make any sense.” I said that like it was the most normal thing in the world, and to me it was.

“Humans really are with Discord, aren't they?” I rolled my head back and laughed at Twilight's question. It wasn't the manic laugh of a madman, just one of enjoyment. Why is this madness fluctuating so much? I thought that when you go crazy, you stay crazy, or maybe I was always crazy. It probably doesn't matter, every explanation is the same.

I quieted down, and everypony kept looking at me, expecting some form of denial, or justification, any reason for my behavior. There was none to be found, and I knew they would be disappointed at the lack of explanation. It was silent, save the buzzing lights overhead, and I did did what I do best: figure things out. Now, what had I noticed before my little episode of mania?

Applejack looked angry, but there was nothing she could do.

Twilight looked inquisitive, but nothing was out of the ordinary.

I wasn't looking into Fluttershy's eyes, so the Stare couldn't be to blame.

Celestia looked deep in concentration, her horn was glowing, but very faintly. Ding ding ding, we have a winner, folks! At the realization, Celestia perked up a bit, and provided confirmation. She didn't know everything, just bits and pieces she'd picked up from me, by reading my mind. No wonder it had the effect it did, I've kept things bottled up since I was, what, like eleven? When she opened my mind to see what I felt, she opened the floodgates, every joy and sorrow, every bit of love and hate, just came pouring out, and manifested in insane, abrasive laughter.

Perhaps, but everypony feels the effects of this spell differently. That voice, speaking directly into my head, was Celestia's. I'm actually quite amazed by how little you have in the open, lots of thing you'd like to stay hidden, I take it?

The mind is sacred, I do not enjoy you trespassing, Princess.

This is merely my way of ensuring your honesty, I’m not here to pry.

How much have you learned?

Oh, relax, I’ve avoided the Internet portions like the plague, I learned my lesson last time. Was she purposely giving me this much, or was she unable to control what she said? No, I meant so say that, and by the way, even if you don't want me to hear it, I know what you're thinking.

You have ten seconds, this is you're only warning.

Until what, massive mindscream? There isn't much a human can do like this, but if it means so much to you, I'll leave, on a condition.

The clock has stopped, what is it?

You are completely honest with me and my subjects

Commencing massive porn dump in three... two... Celestia, in her wisdom, cut the connection. The Solar Princess' coat was paler than usual, though there was a slight, pink tinge on her cheeks. Well, I did send a small sample before resuming the countdown, pretty tame by my standards.

“Oh, lighten up, Princess.” I laughed a bit, completely sane, and a bit loopy from the tranquilizer dart. “I agree to your terms.” I thought for a moment, piecing together what I’d need to explain.

I'd start from the beginning. That tickle in my frontal lobe, the Princess couldn't leave me alone. I get the hint, fine, but remember your agreement. I sighed as she cut the connection again. It seemed she made my lesson for me, saved me some work, at least.

“Alright, everypony take a seat. It's story time.”

Curve-Ball Time!

As I stated in Bloodmoon's update, real life has been kicking my ass lately.
But I somehow managed to make this update bigger than that one, and I have no idea how.
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“... and that brings us to the modern day: a time of raging war, famine, and highly likely global destruction and the extinction of all life on Earth.” They looked awed, shocked, and disgusted at the same time. “Of course, the positive things humanity does balances out the negative.” That did nothing to help them, even Celestia seemed to be affected by my tale. I suppose that any human monarch unaccustomed to war would react in a similar way, even though it would be to a lesser extent.

“You've been killing each other since the dawn of your species?” Twilight's question was quiet, almost silent, but rang out as though she had yelled. Perhaps I should have focused on the positive segments of human history, but that's water under the bridge. “How could you do something like that?”

“Bloodshed has been a natural part of human existence.” I shrugged that out, and the Unicorn wasn't satisfied with it.

“Are you seriously going to sit there and try to justify that much death?” Just who did she think she was? I am seriously considering bringing in my full debate skills into this, but I suppose that conversation would be way too long to be productive, so maybe another time.

“I am not having this argument with you, not right now.” Twilight appeared to begin a rebuttal, but was thankfully cut off by Nurse Redheart entering the hall.

“He's waking up, do any of you want to see him?” I'm not going to speak on behalf of the Princess, it's her call. Of course, that didn't mean she was going to make it by herself. I wonder if Celestia had read Jay's mind, what side-effects would he feel?

I truly have no idea.

You're getting better at that, didn't even feel the brain tickle that time. I also noticed that the mania hadn't returned, despite the fact that the tranquilizer's effects had worn off some time ago. Well, Princess, what's the word? We going in?

I'm amazed that you're asking. I have no idea how she managed to display sarcasm, but she did. It's magic, I don't have to explain shit. With that, I cut off as much access as I could, trying to keep her out of any area I deem unfit.

I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go through my things.

But you aren't going mad, wasn't that your primary concern? I knew that she was fully aware of my apprehension to have the little talks. But, I suppose the two of us should see to him, it would do some good for him to be in the company of friends.

Define friends. Celestia giggled a bit, outside my mind. I bowed, and waved my hands to the door in mock chivalry. “After you, Princess.”

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Jay's head hurt, it felt like someone had slammed a tire iron into his skull. What did Taylor do? The last thing he remembered was the laptop being shot, then white. The teen glanced around the room, he was in a hospital. That made sense, the laptop must have exploded, and someone called an ambulance, it wouldn't have surprised the teen if his friend was in a similar state. Of course, that was if he'd survived, that FTL gun might have blown up, too.

Despite how tough Jay knew his friend was, he doubted Taylor could walk away from something like that. This wasn't the worst outcome he'd experienced from his friend’s antics, these injuries didn't even rate on the same scale as the others. The teen chuckled a bit, it felt good to laugh. The enjoyment didn't last long, as the flutist came to a strange realization.

Where were his parents? If he was hospitalized, wouldn't they have rushed to see if he was okay? The teen didn't get to think, because whoever just opened the door took priority. It was a white horse, with a multicolor, flowing mane. Jay went from thinking he was in the hospital, to believing he was dead. That was the only logical explanation he could come up with, after all, it's not like he could possibly be in Equestria.

You'd be surprised, human.

“THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” Jay jumped out of the hospital bed.

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“Jay, calm down!” I probably shouldn't have yelled that, but I can't be bothered to care. No, seriously, I can't be bothered because Jay is trying to throw a fucking chair at me and Celestia. Why did Nurse Redheart even see fit to allow a steel chair in his room, in the first place? That's just bad form, in all seriousness.

Celestia caught the seating device with her magic, and gently set it down behind us. I'm glad that was the only thing in here other than the bed, because being hit with furniture hurts, usually very much.

“Could you restrain yourself?” Celestia was still calm and collected, but was not thrilled by Jay's little stunt.

“Sorry. I'm trying to hit Taylor.” Jay grabbed a pillow, why he thought that would be effective, I will never know.

“Why?” I dodged the sleep-aid in a ninja-like manner.

“Because whatever the fuck is going on is your fault.” He tossed a blanket at me, which really just fluttered in the air before landing. His response made me stop for a moment.

“Hold up, you don't know what's going on?”

“Nope, not at all.” Jay stopped for a brief time, seemingly thinking. “Can I have that chair back?”

“Hell no.” Seriously, Jay didn't know? Was this an effect of the concussion, or a side effect of the mind reading spell?

A bit of both, I'm afraid. Great, just great.

Any idea when he'll get his memory back? I hoped she knew, I really did.

Wouldn't it be easier to just explain things to him?

Yes, but then I couldn't beat the shit out of him.

“Wait, what?” Celestia hadn't bothered speaking into my mind, that left a thoroughly confused Jay. I'm glad he'd run out of things to throw, and I doubt he could lift the mattress.

“Yeah, him remembering is crucial to my revenge.” I received two curious looks, one more confused than the other.

“The hell is going on?” We ignored him, and the Princess focused on my earlier statement.

“Why?” I'm amazed the concept of vengeance is foreign to her, with the whole Discord thing and all.

“Punishing him for his treason is useless if he does not remember his crime.” I know my wording could have been better, but I did not care.

“You make it sound like it's a capital offense.” Celestia sounded motherly, a quality that I can hardly stand. She had a point, though. I did make it sound worse than it was.

“Princess, he told the three outside that I was an assassin here to kill them and free Discord.” I had a flat tone and facial expression as I spoke. “Don't you agree that he needs his ass beaten?”

“Okay, that sounds like something I would do, but I don't remember any of it.”

“You will, and when you do, I am going to murder you.” Celestia looked horrified at that.

“Fucking try it.” Jay puffed out his chest and took a step forward.

“Sit down before I throw your scrawny ass out the window.”

“I don't have a chair to sit in, now do I?” Oh, right. Jay's a smartass, I keep forgetting that. I gave Celestia a look of annoyance.

“He should remember everything in a few minutes.” She had no idea how happy I was to hear that. Actually, I do, and I’m worried by that.

Relax, I'll do it away from the other ponies.

You make it sound like you have something you're going to do before that.

Princess, trust me on this, my idea is amazing. I didn't wait for her reply, and cut the connection. I didn't even know I could do that. Maybe being human gives me some sort of magic resistance, huh, I have to try that at some point.

I must say, yes, humans have an innate resistance to most forms of magic. I thought I got rid of her. Nope, still here. You can kick me out, but I'll come right back in. Trollestia is now canon. What is this Trollestia you speak of?

“Why are you two just staring at each other?” I flipped Jay off, and headed for the door. “Where are you going?”

“To get your little friend.” I had to conceal my smirk.

“Who?”

“You'll find out, Jay. Princess, you might want to come with me for this.” Celestia looked confused, but complied. I think she fished the information from my mind, but her face did not hint at it. We reached the door in silence, Celestia was the first to leave. I kept the door open, but it was only a crack. “Applejack, could you come here for a moment?”

“What d'ya need?” Despite my hatred for rednecks, I had a fondness for the farmer, a healthy respect for her hard work. I've always felt too few people take pride in what they do.

“I'm going to do something you might not like, but it will give you the chance to break even with Jay.” Applejack looked a little more enthused than I had expected, but that was good. “Just roll with it, okay?” Applejack nodded the affirmative, and I opened the door fully.

“What's with Applejack coming in?” Jay couldn't have been prepared for what I had planned, and I hoped the farmer had some serious acting skills.

“Unfortunately, AJ, he doesn't remember a thing.” I tried to sound a little disheartened, and I think it worked. Applejack picked up and followed my lead with flying colors.

“He don't does 'e?” The farmer looked frustrated, and a bit nervous. By all that's holy, I have a actor on my hands, here!

“What's going on?” Jay was in full freak-out mode, which is always a good thing. For me it is, anyway.

“You see...” I trailed off, trying to build tension. I would bronze Jay's face if I could, but Equestrian technology does not possess the means to do so. I looked at AJ, who nodded, did she know what I was about so say? If she did, she's a trooper. “Jay, you knocked Applejack up, and refused to marry her after she found out.”

Applejack wasn't too pleased with what I'd said, but even she couldn't help but enjoy Jay's reaction. I have never seen anyone go so pale, so quickly, without hypothermia being involved. The flutist tried to speak, but only managed a few stammered syllables. I believe the British call this being gobsmacked, if that is the correct term.

“B-bullshit, there is no way our genes would even be compatible.” He tried to sound sure of himself, but I knew better. Jay was better than me when it came to dealing with people, but I could make him believe me.

“Actually...” There was a low reply from behind me. Holy shit! Thank you, Princess, you are a godsend. Any time, Taylor.

“Oh fuck my life, tell me you're joking, dude.” I shook my head, and began to close the door, that would leave AJ and Jay alone, without a means of escape.

“Have fun, you two.”

Dark Green Attracts Heat

Through the door, we heard begging, pleading, and negotiating, courtesy of Jay. For the Element of Honesty, AJ was playing along like a professional conmare. Celestia and I were having a hard time controlling our laughter, it would not be to our benefit for the flutist to figure things out. Twilight looked annoyed with me, and I think Fluttershy was indifferent to the whole situation. I know the Elements understood, but that didn't mean they liked what I did to Jay. The Princess and I had to stop ourselves from applauding the farm pony when she entered the hall, only because she left the door open.

“Well, we've come t' an agreement.” Applejack looked pleased with herself, that put me off a bit, because I never took her as one to enjoy conspiring against someone else. “Jay says he'll work th' farm t' make up fer his... behavior.”

“So, when's the deadbeat dad starting work?” I could feel Jay's self esteem dieing as I spoke. I am going to have so much fun with this, if only because I know he'll break even with me. As long as he tries to get revenge, then all is fair.

“I'll be starting tomorrow.” I have never seen him so sullen, and for some odd reason, I was starting to feel kind of bad about tricking him. Of course, the feeling quickly died, they always do.

“Thanks fer getting' this thang sorted out, Taylor.” It seemed the Element of Honesty could act, and had a flare for manipulation. Applejack left, with Jay following close behind, I almost feel for him and all the work AJ is going to make him do. Almost.

The early morning slowed to a boring pace, and Celestia excused me. I guess she knew how tired I was. I was free to go, under one stipulation: I had to assist Twilight in any way she asked. That included friendship reports and any research she felt like conducting that was too dangerous for Spike. Trixie wanted to come with me, but Nurse Redheart noticed her stitches, my work is not exactly Mayo Clinic, and requested that she stay to be examined.

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I woke up around noon. Not because of the sun being in my eyes, I could just roll over to avoid that, but because my Chevy is dark green. If I'm being too subtle, I'm saying it was as hot as Satan's asshole in the cab. Right about the time I stepped out, into the mud my truck was partially buried in, I remember what had happened over the past thirty hours.

It was then that I was glad Trixie had needed to stay at the hospital to get stitched up, again. I say that, because I slammed my fist into the hood, and was immediately reminded of the solid steel body. Imagine slamming your hand into a piece of steel sheet metal, doesn't feel good, does it? My possibly fractured fingers aside, I was certain today was going to be a good day. Wait... I owe Lyra some answers, don't I?

Fuck my life. I just shook my head and opened my truck's seat. A wonderful feature of the 1992 Chevrolet Silverado was the added storage space behind the seats, just pull a lever and poof!, instant hiding spot for... stuff. Not just any stuff, my Fallout: New Vegas Collector's Edition Vault-Tec Standard Issue Vault 21 Playing Cards. Well, time for a game of solitaire.

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At Sweet Apple Acres, Jay was awoken by Big Mac ringing a very loud bell next to his head.

“What time is it?” Jay rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Jus' before sunrise, time ta' start on the west field.” Big Mac had a drawl, but not as exaggerated as Applejack's. Hold up, just before sunrise? That meant Jay had gotten about a half hour of sleep. Today was going to suck, he just knew it would.

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...and, done! Wow, I've never finished a game of solitaire before. I usually just get frustrated and ragequit, its not my fault I don't know how to play. Well, regardless of how I can pass the time, there are more productive things I can do. Maybe Trixie could help free my truck, or Twilight, I know Lyra would offer her assistance. Then there's the matter of storing it somewhere, and procuring parts for any repairs I may need to perform, if I know how. I may have created a semi-affordable method of FTL travel, but when it comes to the inner working of an automobile, I might as well be reading Confucius' untranslated manuscripts.

The first step I took in the direction of Ponyville sent a bolt of pain up my leg. I should have gotten that cut looked at, it probably needed stitches, definitely a good disinfection. I took my boot off, and immediately knew I was in deep shit. There was the beginnings of an infection, the area was very tender, and the skin was inflamed. Well, at least I don't have gangrene. Against my better judgment, I put my sock and boot back on, and started limped back toward the hospital I had spent a number of hours in last night.

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“What exactly am I supposed to do?” Jay and Big Mac were standing outside a small portion of the orchard, just on the border of the Everfree, right about where Jay had first emerged.

“Yer s'posed ta buck the trees, like this.” Big Mac gave an apple tree a hard kick, and the fruit fell perfectly into a number of preset buckets. That was a neat trick, Jay mentally noted to learn that at some point.

“Is this right?” The flutist slammed his foot into the trunk of an adjacent tree. He succeeded in hurting his foot, but failed at knocking any apples loose. The tree remembered seeing Taylor punch the wall of a shed, put his fist right through. That was how hard Jay had kicked the tree, and it didn't even drop one of its fruit from the force.

“Maybe ya should try somethin' else.” Big Mac spoke in his calm, even way, but the flutist heard some apprehension in his voice. The teen was determined not to be a burden on this family, previous events notwithstanding. Jay started to climb the tree, which was not difficult, the bottom of the canopy was fairly low. “What're ya doin' up there?” Big Mac was very confused by the human's antics.

“Getting apples.” The response may have been inadequate, but the results would answer all questions the red stallion had. The treetop shook violently, and its delicious fruit fell neatly into the buckets.

“Ah guess ya've got this.” Big Mac looked impressed, it wasn't every day he saw anything that wasn't a member of his family knock so many apples from a tree. As he turned to leave, Jay had already started to climb another, despite how unorthodox his methods may have been, he got results. Of course, no sooner he had said that, Jay fell from the canopy. “Maybe not.”

East Bound and Down

“How did you know I’d be back so soon?” I was talking to Twilight, who had been here for a number of hours. I think she was waiting on me. At any rate, my infection was cured, and my foot sewn shut, I needed to keep from running for the next few days, but at least I was on the mend.

“I saw you limping last night.” That answer told me more than she had intended. Apparently, my foot was hurting last night, why hadn't I noticed? Must have been how hectic the day had been, so I can't say much to that effect. I could, however, make the most of this situation.

“So, you just couldn't keep your eyes off me, huh?” I punctuated the sentence with a wink. I always figured Twilight to be the easily embarrassed sort, and I was glad to see how correct I my assumption had been. That is, to say, very. The Unicorn went from lavender to scarlet within a second, quite the transformation.

“It was nothing like that! I was just making an observation.” I had known that, of course. The two of us shared a common factor: our analytical minds. Our outstanding intelligence, combined with equally keen observation skills, made for excellent information gathering and retention.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, Twilight.” I can be a pretty nice guy when I want to be. Of course, those occasions are rare in the extreme. I just don't like people, they're too loud, ask too many questions. I don't mind teaching others, but if they can't understand me, that's their problem, not mine. “I am, after all, a unique specimen of a species you are unfamiliar with. I know for a fact that if our positions were reversed, I would do the same.”

“I'm glad to see that we're on the same page.” She was smiling as she spoke, apparently satisfied with my response. With that smile, I knew there was curiosity. I am happy to teach, because I know she's willing to learn.

“Twilight, how would you like to see a piece of human technology?” Just because I would explain some things to her did not mean that I wouldn't do my very best to get something out of the arrangement.

“Only if you agree to explain its purpose.”

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Getting apples out of the trees was the easy part. Jay was only thinking that because he felt moving the filled cart back to the barn was much more difficult. Big Mac had left the cart and buckets behind him, trusting the human to get the job done. The flutist accomplished his appointed task, and a little extra. Considering how many men would have taken to the hills after being told they'd knocked up someone, he felt he was doing pretty well.

He still didn't know it was a lie, it didn't matter to him right now, anyway. Jay was working under a fairly large amount of guilt, striving towards personal redemption. The teen could be a complete ass, but he was equally capable of stepping up the plate and getting shit done. He would continue his attempts at appeasing the Apple family, which would probably include marrying Applejack so the kid would have both parents around.

That meant Jay was stuck here, regardless of how circumstances improved. Even if Taylor found and fixed the FTL gun, the flutist couldn't go home, couldn't continue his education. He'd never see his family again, never graduate high school, never accomplish any of his dreams. Right now, it sucked to be Jay Braden.

To top off this cake of depression, the teen just lost feeling in his legs.

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“What is that?” I can understand Twilight's curiosity, but her slight fear caught me off guard. Then again, I would be scared of a strange, metal object that was painted dark green and brought by an alien creature. I have a fear of Master Chief, so what? It probably didn't help that there was a bloodstain on the tailgate from when I stabbed the manticore. How had that not attracted more predators?

“That, Miss Sparkle, is a Chevrolet Silverado. Long story short, it is a vehicle that is propelled via internal combustion engine turning a drive shaft that turn the rear axle, giving the rear wheels rotation. The engine burns fossil fuels, namely gasoline, a refined product of crude oil.” I may not know the true inner working of the modern engine, but I do know the basics. “I need you to get it out of the mud.”

“Can you get it working if I do?” She would help me, I could tell, but she needed confirmation of my ability to repair any possible damage.

“I'll see what I can do, but we'll have to see.” I think she found the answer appropriately satisfying, because she started to levitate the truck from its prison. I'm not sure how much it weighed, but Twilight did have to strain herself, very slightly, to lift it. It doesn't need to be said, but I was nearly awestruck by the display. Magic must have been so normal to them, that I was left wondering about how it had affected their society through the ages. I was also curious to see how Twilight could manage without her magic to assist her.

“Can we go inside?” She tried to act professional, but I could hear the youthful enthusiasm in her voice. She was almost child-like in her curiosity, a feeling that I sorely missed. I then realized that there was a rather impressive collection of porn in the driver-side floorboard. How the hell am I going to explain that?

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It struck Jay as odd that he hadn't seen Granny Smith or Applebloom yesterday. Maybe they were mad at him, he could understand Granny Smith fitting the part, but the school-age filly probably didn't understand the implications. Jay amused the thought that either Applebloom hadn't been told, or she was excited over getting a niece or nephew in the near future. The flutist chuckled a little, even in this shitty situation, any good smartass can find something to laugh about.

The cart was currently being unloaded by Applejack. She had been impressed by how many buckets the flutist had filled, and she knew how much a full cart can weigh. The load was easy for her, but for something as scrawny as Jay, it must have been substantial. The farm pony felt a bit sick to her stomach about carrying the teen along like this, she could understand a little corporate dishonesty, but faking a pregnancy was too much.

His memory had better be restored soon, AJ just didn't know how long she could keep this lie going.

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“Is that what I think it is?” I had moved the porno mags to the passenger's floorboard, and hoped Twilight wouldn't notice. I was dead wrong.

“Are you referring to the dry rotted ceiling liner?”

“I meant the picture of Trixie with her genitals exposed.” She barely finished that sentence before the full extent of her statement set in, and she came to a horrifying realization. Not only did I have a rather copious amount of pony erotica in my truck, but Trixie was a centerfold in one of the skin mags, or was that fur mags?, and said centerfold had possibly spent an unknown amount of time with me, alone. Jesus Hudson Christ, I must look like huge pervert right now.

“I know this looks bad, but those are not mine.” I've never had to explain porn to anyone before, so this was new to me. I hope the excuse would work.

“Then whose are they?” I noticed that she hadn't run away screaming yet, so that was a good sign. How do I word this without making Trixie look bad, while keeping my own head above water?

“I'm not going to lie, I looted them from Trixie's wagon after I patched her up the first time.” I took her confusion as an opportunity. I placed the ignition key into its slot, and turned fully.

As if by some miracle, the engine roared to life.

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Jay ran this idea by me: he gets magic.
I personally don't want to do that.
You get to decide if I go cliche or not.

Fun Fact: My Truck Has no Airbags

“Is this what humans do all the time?” Twilight was yelling, but I really can't understand her fear. I mean, sure, we nearly flipped after that last turn, but seriously! She just can't handle the awesomeness of my truck.

“Well, I do.” We hit a dip in the road, and Twilight hit the ceiling. The seat belt didn't really work with her anatomy, and she found sitting like me to be too uncomfortable. Too bad for her, because metal is hardly comfortable.

“Ow...” She rubbed a hoof over the rapidly forming bump. That was going to be sore for quite a while. That did nothing to stop me from laughing at her pain. What can I say? I can be a very cruel person. Cruel, but not malicious, I almost never cause harm to bystanders.

“Watch out.” I speak in a very even tone for the most part. That is something many of my friends have learned to accept, but most strangers find it to be rather irritating. Twilight, however, had taken to listening, and braced herself. That would have been fine, if we were about to hit another bump or dip, instead, I hit the brakes. I know quadrupeds can't balance very well in moving vehicles, but Twilight's face hitting the dashboard was too goddamn funny.

She may have been mad at me for it, but we were at our destination.

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Trixie Lulamoon, despite her abrasive nature, was an avid reader of fiction. Her inability to sleep last night had only served as fuel for her hobby. The showmare was currently on the last page of her sixth book, a new record, considering their individual sizes. In truth, she was bored out of her skull, but she had no other options. The guardian angel, what the purple Unicorn that had embarrassed her had called a human, such an odd word.

Of course, odd described everything about the strange creature and his equally unusual associate. Jay, the showmare recalled, was the thin one's name, and Taylor was the one that had saved her life. In truth, Trixie enjoyed the company of that one, the ache in her injuries dulled ever-so-slightly when he was around, a curious effect. The showmare was still wearing the human's jacket, which was quite comfortable, if somewhat dirty.

Without pause, without a sign that she was behaving unusually, the blue Unicorn began looking for a new book to read. She was considering Griffin folktales, that subject had often interested her as a filly.

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“Is this safe?” Twilight was referring to my current endeavor. I would like to take a moment to explain something: I like doing strange things, eccentric genius and all that. Well, at the moment, I was trying to rig Trixie's wagon to the hitch on my truck, so I could tow it back to Ponyville. It sure as hell wasn't moving on its own any time soon.

“Probably not.” I made another loop with the logging chain, the thick, heavy type of chain used in lumber mills to haul trees to and fro. I suppose it would have sufficed, given enough patience and work. I was very thankful that Twilight had agreed to help me fix the wagon, given her history with Trixie.

“Then why are you doing this?” She just couldn't understand, and I doubt she would unless I took the time to explain human nature to her. I don't have anywhere near enough time to teach that amount of material, even if I never leave Equestria. That thought wasn't as depressing as I had originally anticipated, I wonder why.

“Because I can.” Did I need any other explanation? I think not, ow, where was I? Oh, right, we climbed back into the cab, and I cranked the engine. Without further ado, we drove towrds Ponyville, following the dirt road so seldom used.

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Applejack could hardly bare it any longer. Jay just... sat there, waiting to be told what to do. The Element of Honesty did not enjoy lying to the teen. Despite having very little exposure to him, the farm pony could see how depressed he was. This was an intelligent being, and she was giving him false information, about his offspring, for heaven's sake! She resolved herself to tell him the truth, tomorrow. There was more to be done around the farm in the meantime.

“Alright, Jay, that's it fer today.” She waved him inside. For once, Applejack was glad her sister was over at Rarity's for a sleepover. The human would be too much to explain to the schoolfilly. That wasn't factoring in the added lies. Why had she let the other human talk her into this situation? There seemed to be no positive outcome. “It's time fer supper.”

The human stalked into the farmhouse like the living dead, eager to eat something, to offset the caloric burn of the day. Apples, apples, and, what do you know, more apples, a balanced meal. Thankfully, Granny Smith was visiting family in Fillydelphia, something about a golden moon and seeing Cousin Fritter about a new cart axle. The family matron's absence only made things easier for the two adult ponies of the household, and kept the farmer from giving another explanation. Big Mac's had been difficult enough, even though he understood why the human was staying with them, he hadn't been pleased by what he'd been told.

Applejack suppressed a sigh, if Jay didn't get his memory back soon, she'd tell him the truth, Taylor be damned!

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To be honest, I've done some pretty stupid shit. In fact, back home, I was one lab accident away from giving up on my dreams and becoming a super villain. The only thing actually stopping me wasn't my conscience, or what passed as morals for me. Nope, the only thing that kept me on the path of militant neutrality was my inability to come up with a sweet name.

Hearing Twilight's panicked screams made joining the Dark Side of Science oh so tempting. Ponyville's roads aren't very forgiving outside the city limits, they had many potholes, hills, and sharp turns. I was going about sixty miles per hour, given that my truck wasn't a four-wheel drive, this was dangerous as all fuck. Really, I know what I’m talking about, see, this one time, my buddy Keith and I...

“Slow down!” Why was Twilight so scared? I can get away with driving like a maniac, was my earlier demonstration not example enough? It didn't matter that I'd gotten us two wheels at the last turn, in a top-heavy truck, towing a large wagon... okay, I see the point.

“Why, I can see Ponyville over the next hill?” I could, there wasn't that much distance between Trixie's wagon and the town, Jay and I must have taken the long way through the Everfree, despite it being a straight line.

“Because I don't want anypony getting hurt!” Right, pedestrians, Equestrian pedestrians, that's fun to say. But I can see her point, so I slowed to thirty, below the average speed of residential streets in my area. She seemed pleased by my action, if I was stuck working for her, I might as well earn some brownie points with my new boss.

For anyone who doesn't know, my truck's engine is loud. I could tell that there weren't many things that the locals had been exposed to that maintained a volume this high. Ponies ran inside, a pony I recognized as Berry Punch almost threw her foal indoors, overprotective parents, you just can't avoid them. I should correct that, most ponies ran inside the various structures, there were still some standing about.

I could see that among them, I'd personally met one: Lyra was out and about, with Bon-Bon in tow. She was awestruck by the machine that passed her, so I waved as Twilight and I went. Bon-Bon was equally stunned, I guess she never expected her roommate's theories to be correct. I preferred those reactionss to some of the others I received, namely from mares with young foals, who were crying because of the loud noises. There were still some looks of amazement, even curiosity, but very few of confidence.

That was before I noticed a derpy-eyed mare with a Unicorn filly, accompanied by a brown Earth stallion with an hourglass on his flank. Holy shit, Derpy, Dinky and Whooves all walking together, now that is a Kodak moment. I could do without the look I was getting from the Doctor, it said I'm watching you, boy. I can't say how I felt about that, but it had my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, this Doctor was the Doctor. That meant he would have a TARDIS, that meant a possible way home, but I'll only go to him as a last resort.

I waved at the group as Twilight and I passed.

The Universe Heard Twilight Thinking

By the time we'd arrived to the farm, the sun had nearly set. I was pleasantly surprised to see everyone inside remain calm about what must have sounded like a monster approaching. The ponies, and Jay, came outside to investigate, but I'm certain my friend knew what had just pulled up to the dwelling. I think he's still an amnesiac, pity, I was looking forward to bashing his skull in, but that can wait, I'm nothing if not patient.

“What in tarnation is that?” Applejack drawled in amazement, I can't say I blamed her, modern technology is almost magical anyone unfamiliar with it. I killed the engine, and my passenger exited the vehicle, with me tailing her.

“Applejack, humans have wagons that move on their own!” Twilight was obviously excited, at telling someone about what she'd learned, or being free of the cab, I have no idea which. Nor do I have any idea why she called the automobile a wagon, I had clearly stated that while it was similar, it was also incredibly more complicated.

“That's not a wagon, it's a truck.” Jay was speaking in monotone, seems his day of work had given him time to think, understand what the implications of his misdeeds, however fictitious they may have been. I think I may have crossed the line, not that I care, I just wanted to make a note of it. Part of me should feel bad, but I had a feeling that he'd be back to his old self soon enough, and revenge was part of the package.

“Okay, why is it pullin' that wagon behind it?” I'm not sure she recognized it, it bore little resemblance to Trixie's old one. I doubt she cared for who the owner was, but better safe than sorry, I sincerely doubt I can bullshit to the Element of Honesty.

“This is Trixie's, the axle broke on her way here, she was changing it when the manticore attacked her.” Of course I told the truth, I didn't want to end up in the same boat as Jay, actually, I just didn't want AJ pissed at me. Not that I was afraid of her, I've tangoed with the farmer pony before, but her brother was intimidating, as things of his size usually are.

“Ah suppose yer lookin' tah keep it outta th' weather, aren't ya'?” Applejack asked with a slight smirk, and I wondered if she would allow it.

“Only if you're okay with it.” I gave a friendly smile. I should make it very clear, years of stoicism has made facial expressions very difficult for me, so I only managed to grin on my right side. Underdeveloped facial muscles for the win! But, seriously, it makes the little that I can express that much more sincere.

“'Fraid Ah can't, sorry.” Her face and mine fell in unison. I was not angry, far from it, I was simply frustrated. Finding a place to store my truck was essential to keeping harmful technology out of the hooves of ponies, simply essential! If only the task was essentially simple.

“I was worried you would say that.” To be fair, she's done more than enough for me, she doesn't need any extra burden. Besides, it would give her something else to worry about, and that was the very last thing Applejack needed. I could tell that she was affected rather heavily by lying to Jay, she would likely break under the pressure. Regardless, my own problem takes precedence over those of the farmer, at least in my opinion.

I had a feeling AJ's apprehension would take care of itself.

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“The War of the Tribunal.” Trixie repeated the odd title to herself. She had never come across any mentions of this Tribunal anywhere before, even during her brief stay in the Pridelands. What was stranger still, this entry seemed more like a recorded speech or lecture rather than a tale of mythology. The showmare put the odd discrepancy aside, and began her reading.

In the Times Before, we lived alongside with them. They were were our brothers in battle, eager to fight and defend our mutual home with their very lives. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform the Council that this has changed. I speak, of course, of our former allies: the humans.

Three days ago, a small detachment of troops entered the city Ivoryclaw, the visitors were noted as behaving strangely, more so than we often expect of humans. Without warning, they attacked, killing hens and chicks indiscriminately. The raiders were quickly killed by the local guard, but the damage would reach much farther. In the next three days, we received reports of no less than six of our cities and towns falling within the first hour of attack.

Despite how quickly we reacted upon receiving this news, we were too late. Nestopia was burned to the ground, as well as Ironwall, and Nevermore. Each was razed to its foundation, its inhabitants killed and its lands salted. The words First was Carthage, now Knossos will feel our wrath. Chancellor Azuhral deserves a traitor's death. It wasn't until the next day that we discovered their campsites.

Six thousand strong, at the very least, rested in the canyon. The camps, as they were grouped separately, consisted of men, women and children, though they all prepared themselves for battle. Within the largest tent, near the compound's center, resided the army's leaders. Those aiding the humans in this act of treason were none other than the chancellor's most trusted advisers: the Tribunal.

Trixie had read enough. Surely the griffins were describing something other than humans, her guardian angel couldn't have belong to a race so savage. Even if they were connected, the story was from two thousand years ago, more than enough time for culture to improve even the most brutal of savages. The showmare closed the book, eager to get some fresh air. She resolved to ask Taylor about any past interactions with griffins, major or minor, and get some confirmation on the validity of the story.

Returning the tome to its rightful place on the shelf, Trixie began her search for something else to occupy her time.

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Well, that trip was a bust. Now I’ve got to find somewhere else to store this shit. In all seriousness, this is going to be a slight irritation. If only Applejack had allowed me to keep my stuff in her barn. Of course, I understand her reasons for denying me, she has to minimize Applebloom's exposure to the human element that was quickly making its home in Ponyville. Even so, I doubt driving to Twilight's library is stealthier than hiding the vehicles in the barn.

Have I mentioned how strangely even Ponyville's roads are? It was like they were paved, then flat dirt was place over the cement. Outstandingly even ground, that is the picture I am trying to paint here. Travel was pretty quick, and we reached the library in about ten minutes. We would have gotten there faster if someone hadn't insisted that I drive slowly during the sunset. Despite how short the drive was, it gave me time to think.

Would it be considered normal to find the thought of never going home a little depressing?

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As Twilight and Taylor entered the library, Trixie was finishing her eighth hoof of Blackjack against Spike. The little dragon was quite the shark, the showmare thought he must have been cheating. That wasn't the case, actually, Trixie just sucked at card games.

“I see you're still wearing my hoodie.” Taylor's voice was oddly bass-y, an unusual characteristic in ponies. Perhaps the trait was more commonplace in humans, but the ponies had no way of finding out.

“Of course, it's very comfortable.” Twilight thought Trixie's snarky comments to the human would have been found offensive, however, the opposite proved true. Taylor took them in stride, and dealt them just as easily. Somewhere, the showpony and teen found a mutual respect for one another, which the Element of Magic found endlessly confusing.

“Just make sure it is clean when you return it.” Of course, it may have had something to do with Trixie's near-death experience, gratitude can be a powerful emotion. Regardless of how strange the human was, certain gestures had meanings either identical, or very similar, to those used by Equestrians, as evidenced by his small smile.

All in all, Twilight supposed things could have gone much worse.

Insert Clever Name Here

Unbeknownst to most, Jay was a sleepwalker. It only happened when he was stressed, but it did happen. Being stuck in Equestria for an unknown period of time, while believing that he had impregnated a local and would be unable to ever return home, provided more than sufficient amounts of stress to cause his abnormality.

If on were to look inside the barn, they would have fund a number of buckets neatly stacked atop one another, in a pyramidal shape. Why a pyramid? The world may never know the odd patterns the flutist's mind followed.

In any event, Jay woke up shortly before Big Mac could even exit the house, which was quite the feat. However, the teen wasn't in the hay loft, where he had bedded down, rather, he was in the orchard, under a large apple tree. What happened? Where was he? Why was he outside in the cold? The questions raced through his mind at the speed of light, and found no answers.

The flutist dug deep within the recesses of his mind.

And he remembered everything.

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I have slept on many things in my life. Sand, cement, steel, wood, you name it, I've spent about six hours on it. However, in all of my experience in the art of deep sleep, I have never found wood so comfortable. Apparently, Twilight's tree home was made of a strange mutation of oak or some other hardwood, and here I'd thought natural selection had dropped the ball in Equestria. I still did, because a tree this thick shouldn't be soft, it would break in the wind.

All botany aside, I slept fairly well, if not too lightly. That's just me, I don't sleep very heavily, if you open the door of my room, I wake up, and that door is pretty fucking quiet. Meh, I don't mind that I had a full night's rest, but I am suspicious. I had spent the night, my second in Equestria, in the home of Twilight Sparkle, apprentice to the Princess and, to my knowledge, a possible user of the mind reading spell. I needed to keep on my guard, or Twilight may learn more than she needs. Of course, she was the least of my worries at the moment.

There were three Elements that I had yet to meet, and each brought their own problems. Rarity would likely have me tearing my eyes out when she complains about my clothing. Dash would likely attack me, or flee on sight, depending on who was around at the time. She may put on a brave face, but I could see insecurity under her facade, however, that may not hold true in person. I believe I shall devote some study into the differences between the show's portrayal, and how Equestria actually is. Note to self: stop think theses things around a potential mind reader.

Of the three Elements that remained, Pinkie was the wild card. I mean that in every possible sense of the term, there was no way to determine what her first move would be. Evading her until I have a plan of action will require a large portion on my cunning.

Scratch that. All of my cunning.

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Princess Celestia's morning routine was almost set in stone. She would rise before dawn, raise the sun, eat a breakfast of domestic fruits, and go about her daily business. She would, but today, the court was closed from the public. Renovations, nothing major, but Celestia was thankful for that.

She had more entertaining things to do right now.

Reading minds can be difficult at this distance, but centuries of experience had made the usually daunting task rather simple. However, dream walking and thought reading were two very different things, one had to be physically touching the subject to see his or her dreams. But that was soon remedied by Jay's early awakening. The Princess immediately began to dig for information.

Finding that this human's mind was less ordered, more chaotic in nature, she learned very little. Thankfully, there were no side effects, other than her unwanted assistance in retrieving Jay's memories. The Solar Princess felt an immediate rush of hatred and scorn fill the teen's mind, that was worrying in the extreme.

Careful, your friend is armed, and he wouldn't hesitate to kill you if you were perceived as a threat. The manipulation was subtle, Jay couldn't pick up on it as well as Taylor had, his thoughts were too unorganized for it. The human put off his plans for vengeance when he realized that what the almost unheard voice in his head had advised was true, and swayed him against attack. While the monarch felt no obligation to either of her nation's visitors, she believed avoiding violence was the best course of action possible for all involved.

The scrawny human dropped his ill conceived plans for revenge, and instead opted to attack that afternoon, when his compatriot would be tired and complacent. Celestia giggled to herself, the thought of Taylor just lazing about was incredibly funny to her. Speaking of the other human, the Princess wondered what he was up to, there hadn't been an update yet, as requested. However, Celestia never gave him a time frame in which to send her any such letter, nor when she would be expecting it. Of course, she ignored any logical action and went straight for the mind reading.

Princesses can be bored, too.

I just need to avoid arousing suspicion, act normal, then Twilight won't read my mind. Better she avoided everything in here, despite her thirst for knowledge, however admirable it may be. Taylor was worried about Twilight taking a peak inside his noggin? That was too rich, Celestia chuckled to herself a bit. Of course, if she finds out about FiM, she may suffer an existential crisis, and the fourth wall can't handle that kind of stress, it gets enough from Pinkie.

Well, now it all made sense. Taylor and Jay were bronies, that's how they knew how to get into contact with the Elements and, by proxy, herself. The clever humans used her subjects' dependance on her as a means to their end. Well played, humans, well played indeed. Celestia had first learned of the television show some a little over a year ago, some Internet dweller had ended up in Equestria shortly after Luna's return. The meeting had been strange, to say the very least.

Long story short, the Princess had a wealth of knowledge related to bronies and what they knew. Which, actually, could be just about anything, depending on what the minds at Hasbro had discerned from this world. The Solar Princess never bothered to question how they knew of Equestria, every human she had met before had been thoroughly surprising, if only by sheer variability in behavior. In truth, she had cultivated the ability to predict their unpredictable actions.

Good, good, after all that is done and over, I can flee to Mexicolt, start a new life, maybe grow a beard. No one will find the body, well, what's left of it, and I’ll just disappear. What the actual fuck was he thinking about? Celestia chastised herself for the profanity, a bad habit she had while inside Taylor's head, the human's mind was full of horrible obscenities. Good plan, brain, now take five, you need a break. Who's that at the door? Shit...

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“Ready to answer my questions? You promised, after all.” Lyra had a smile that shined like a million brilliant suns. Just gave me a fucking headache.

“Who's at the door?” Twilight's voice came from upstairs, this early I guess she wouldn't be up and about just yet. Why did Lyra have to be a morning pony?

“Just me, Twilight, I'm here to talk to Taylor.” Did they know each other? If so, that rules.

“That's fine, but, could you keep it down? Spike's feeling a bit under the weather.” Dragons get sick? Huh, who would've thought?

“Can Trixie stay and listen? She is curious as well.” When the hell did she get here? That settles it, man, mares be trippin'. I sighed in defeat, there was no exit, short of self-defenestration*. I sat down and resigned myself to my fate.

“What do you want to know first?”

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*Defenestrate: verb; to throw an object, usually a person, out of a window. (English just got 20% cooler!)

Also, on an unrelated note:

In The Equestrian Bloodmoon, who should the Dovahkiin be? Specify Race/Gender/Build.

If I don't get many responses, or they are too varied, I'll go with the vanilla Nord from the trailer and demo.

Magic n' Stuff

Time skip four hours ahead.

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“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I only bothered asking because Lyra's suggestion sounded awful. Just my opinion on the matter. Then again, I’ve had worse ideas.

“Of course!” Her voice was one of enthusiasm. “I get to be human for a day, and Twilight gets to observe how two humans behave around each other.”

“She's all ready seen how Jay and I act around each other.” I knew my point wasn't valid, but neither was Lyra's. You can't base human behavior on two individuals, you'd need huge amounts of research to even scratch the surface.

“But Jay isn't female.” Lyra thought she had me in a corner, she was dead wrong.

“And you aren't human.”

“Not yet.” Lyra smirked in triumph. I don't see a way out of this mess, dammit.

“You still don't have my support in this endeavor.” I sighed in defeat, the human-loving mare had won our little debate. The sea-foam pony would spend the next twenty-four hours as a human, and I would act as though she truly was. The spell was complicated, so Lyra, Trixie, and Twilight had partially prepared before they had informed me of their plans. At least Trixie and Twilight had buried the hatchet. The showmare and Element took their respective places on the runed circle's rim.

“Trixie is looking forward to this, she's certain it will be most interesting.” A blue glow enveloped her horn. This spell would take a considerable amount of energy, even though it would only take a few moments to cast, Trixie was all ready sweating from the effort, despite having only worked for a few seconds.

“I suppose an experiment is an experiment.” Twilight's horn joined Trixie's in the light show. The Element of Magic had higher reservoirs, but she, too, began to tire from the strain. I wonder how much longer they could hold the enchantment.

“See, Taylor, things are going to be just fine.” Lyra sounded rather pleased with herself. I suppose, given similar circumstances, I'd be the same way, for instance: my FTL gun's success, if you could call it that. “Nothing can possibly go wrong here.” Lyra, you just fucked us over.

I had not time to respond, the magic cut me off. A prismatic glow expanded from the center of the circle. I can attest, it was breathtakingly beautiful. Red, blue, green, white, even light that seemed to mimic the crushing darkness of the void, all shined from Lyra's magic-wrapped body. I haven't seen anything as stunning as this before now, and I sincerely doubt I will ever see anything to rival it. Before my eyes, the sea-foam mare began to change shape.

You'd think that for someone so familiar with the possible inner workings and theoretical applications for shape-shifting, I'd be somewhat prepared for this display.

You'd be wrong.

In a moment, just as suddenly as it had begun, the shining magic faded. Inside the circle, instead of the familiar mare, as I had half expected, lay a woman with green hair. In a way, I had hoped the spell would fail, nothing personal against any of the Unicorns involved, but the scientist in me wanted so justice done to the limits of biology.

“What happened?” Lyra groaned and rubbed her head. If she wasn't so out of it, I imagine she would have been amazed by her new-found hands. “Why am I so cold?” She was shaking slightly, but it wasn't that chilly, I'd wager it was somewhere in the seventies, Fahrenheit of course.

“I think your skin might be a bit sensitive.” Twilight panted out her answer. Despite magic being her very core, she had experienced some difficulty with the transformative spell. Lyra's face at receiving the news was equivalent to mine if I should ever, somehow, build a working time machine.

“It worked!?” Lyra jumped up, and immediately fell face-first onto the wooden floor.

“Trixie must say, even she couldn't have hoped for a better outcome.” Oddly enough, the showmare didn't sound self-absorbed.

“Even humans crawl on all four of our limbs before we master walking, Lyra.” I couldn't help but find some dark enjoyment in her discomfort. I'm not that bad of a guy, just a little warped. To my surprise, she took my joke as advice, and rose on her hands and knees. She was facing away from me, which gave me quite the view, but, being a gentleman, I averted my gaze. “Maybe I should get my hoodie for you.”

“Why?” Lyra turned her entire body to face me. As she completed her one-eighty, Twilight and Trixie immediately understood my reaction, the mares' faces turned bright scarlet. Only now did I have ample opportunity to see Lyra's human body. I will now pause rational thought for a moment.

DAMN! LOOK AT THOSE KNOCKERS!

And I'm back, what did I miss?

“Because you are currently indecent.” As much as I hate seeing large breasts covered, it was necessary to keep me from being very uncomfortable. I think Twilight had carried my jacket upstairs to be washed, it could certainly use it.

“I-I have to agree with Taylor on this.” Twilight quickly hurried out of the room, but she did pause briefly on the stairs. Perhaps she was worried about this situation devolving into the uncouth banter she had witnessed between my friend and I? Or was she worried about something a bit more... mature?

What's going on?

Go away, Celestia, you're not welcome here.

I can be wherever I want, I'm the Princess.

I won't hesitate, Tia, enjoy my gore collection. She cut the line, after I heard some gagging noises. I was rather pleased with myself.

“Hey, Taylor.” Lyra's voice roused me from my thought-based conversation.

“Yes, Lyra?” What could she possibly want now? I doubt it could be anything too major, she has bigger issues right now.

“What are these?” Despite myself, I had assumed she meant her fingers, toes, or feet. However, I don't regret looking back at her. In one hand, she hefted one of her breasts, unable to discern its use. Pushing the dirty thoughts from my mind, though I'm not forgetting any of this, I took a deep breath.

“Tits, boobs, bazookas, cha-chas, breasts, hubcaps, sweater meat, jugs, cans, funbags, hooters, Godzillas, clams, chesticles, gazzongas, the twin peaks, and mammaries.” Lyra and Trixie looked stunned, not because of all the slang terms for them, or their purpose. Maybe that was Trixie's reason, but I know it wasn't the sea-foam mare's. She was shocked that she'd played with them, but I have no idea why.

“Are they always so... big?” Trixie seemed a bit jealous that Lyra's breasts were hold my attention, that's just cute.

“Nope, I've seen bigger in some of my dreams.” Just what sort of things had Lyra seen? The only bigger examples I have to work with are from the Internet, curse my poorly endowed hometown, and most of those were fake. All compliments aside, this meant that, despite her intense research, Lyra was largely ignorant of human biology. Why does this not surprise me?

I will now take a brief moment to explain my own personal philosophy. Life is unpredictable and completely undecided, but what you least expected is almost bound to happen. At this very moment, I did not expect Jay to have had his memories restored. I had not anticipated that he would retaliate so quickly. I had not expected him to crawl in through a window and sneak tackle me.

Providing evidence towards my philosophy, each of those events happened that day.

As Jay and I rolled on the ground, Lyra and Trixie attempted to distance themselves from us. I suppose two quarreling humans would be quite the deterrent for most ponies. After grappling for a few moments, my flutist friend began his attempts at escape. There was no freedom to be found, compared to Jay, I'm invincible.

However, all things must come to an end, and this is no exception. Eventually, the slippery bastard weaseled himself from my grasp, effectively ending my plans to beat the living shit out of him. Hey, he remembered everything, that means I'm going to get even.

By the time I’d stood, Jay all ready had a fist reared back. He would have swung, too, if he hadn't been distracted. I saw him glance around the room, to me, Trixie, humanized Lyra, towards the stairs, then it repeated. Now, I have seen plenty of shit, some of it by choice, but what Jay did next completely stunned me. He put his hands in front of himself, and spoke in a civil tone.

“I'm going to back away slowly, and come back when there's less weird shit.” He made good on his word, and left, through the same window he'd used to enter the library. Well, that settled one issue for the time being, but left me with several more.

How the hell am I going to handle this shit.

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Clop involving this chapter, written by me.

The Chapter That Causes a Rush of Un-Fav's

Not gonna lie, this took longer to update than I'd have liked. But, better late than never, right?
Also, not the biggest update, but at least I'm back in the saddle.
Unedited because I finished it at 3 a.m., uploaded at 5:20 a.m.

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Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of travel? Well, I'm not. But, a train to Canterlot is kind of a long trip, and I really don't want to be here. I was just about to do something important, too, but no Celestia needs me for something important.

Wait, you're confused, aren't you?

Thought so. Let me start where I left off, shall I?

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To start things off, we've been in Equestria for about two months, now.

After Lyra became human for a day, things pretty much mellowed out for Jay and myself. We still hadn't found the FTL gun, even with constant searching and a number of Royal Guards scouring the Everfree Forest for any sign of it, we still had nothing. By then, the two of us weren't really concerned with getting home, Equestria was nice enough, even if we were considered strange to this peaceful world. Actually, I think that's it's good enough to permanently immigrate to, which Celestia fully supported.

Jay actually had a steady job, and housing for the foreseeable future. He was bunking with the Rarity, oddly enough, but still worked at Sweet Apple Acres. I'm actually living with Lyra and Bon-Bon, that had been an awkward dinner. I work as a handyman around town, or whenever Twilight needs me for something. My truck's out of gas, by the way, she's pretty much just sitting in the alley behind Lyra's house. Oh, before I forget, Trixie's still around, we hang out a lot, mostly so other ponies don't mess with her. There are some real bitches in Ponyville, just saying.

Things seemed pretty normal, until Lyra got a letter in the mail, from someone in Canterlot.

It was from somepony she knew, apparently, the human-loving mare was going to be a bridesmaid at Equestria's royal wedding. Pretty sweet, if you ask me. I cared for it about as much I did for Britain’s recent shebang, which is to say, not at all. Well, I didn't care until we sorted though our communal mail pile.

Jay received the same letter as me, Princess Celestia was commissioning us to work security.

Which is why I'm riding a goddamned train right now.

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“This can only end well.” Jay wasn't in the mood to ride a locomotive, can't say I blame him. The two of us had to leave a day before the Elements, for security reasons, of course. The only good thing that has come out this entire situation is the fact that Celestia is leaving me alone, she finally isn't talking to me in my head.

“Oh, you see the forcefield, too?” While we may have missed the wedding episode, the two of us knew something was going down, advertisements had assured us. This strange, purplish bubble may be what's keeping Celestia from contacting me, might be a magic jammer. Maybe it stops things from absorbing magical energy, then going through might hurt slightly. “This is gonna suck.”

We didn't know how close we were until a bubbling, pinkish wall began to ghost through the passenger car.

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Princess Celestia had seen better days. With the upcoming wedding, and the threats of an attack on Canterlot, security had been upped tenfold, even the two alicorns were constantly watched. That was part of the reason she had turned to Equestria's newest inhabitants, really, it made sense. Hiring a creature that existed only in myth was great for intimidating one's enemies, and it helped that they were from a species that had warfare in its blood.

“Well, captain, here come your newest security chiefs.” At least Jay and Taylor would lighten the workload, and the Solar Princess had a surprise for them. The train pulled into the station, and the car reserved for the humans stopped directly in front of the royal alicorn. The doors opened...

… and revealed Jay and Taylor, twitching on the floor.

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Ever been hit by a TASER? For those that have, you know my pain right now. Humans possess an innate resistance to magic, and many things in Equestria react abnormally to our presence. I've seen Twilight misfire a few spells because I was too close to her, Trixie's tricks go haywire, and Lyra loses all ability to play her lyre, all because of proximity. Needless to say, passing through a magical barrier felt like being shocked by Colonel Volgin.

“Fucking hate you, Tia.” I rolled around as much as I could, trying to to correct my muscles, stop the twitching. I'm surprised that Celestia wasn't mad at me for calling her by that name.

“Are you two alright?” The Princess and a stallion that I didn't recognize rushed into the car. I didn't give a response, the royal pony knew that I would be just fine, but Jay was making a weird, gurgling noise. He might need medical attention.

“Don't use magic to move us, just get a couple of stretchers.”

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“Well, I suppose I should have sent for you before Shining Armor erected the barrier.” Celestia at least knew how to apologize when she was wrong.

“I'm sorry, who?” I sipped on my drink, cold lemonade always calms people down after being inadvertently tortured by magic.

“Me.” The white stallion seated next to Celestia raised a hoof. My first impression of him wasn't very flattering, quite the opposite, really. “You might know my sister, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Yeah we know her.” Jay's reaction to the barrier had been far worse than mine, but he was coping just fine. Probably has something to do with my more constant exposure to magic, might make me more resistant to the stuff.

“I wonder why she never mentioned you.” I wasn't being mean, it was a genuine curiosity of mine.

“Probably just never came up.” Armor shrugged his shoulders and dismissed the thought. He was right though, we never really discussed family and friends, mostly because Jay and myself were currently separated from ours, with no foreseeable reunion. I took a big gulp of my drink before I moved the conversation along.

“So, Princess, who's getting hitched?” Celestia blinked in response.

“That's a bit blunt, but you're not one for pleasantries.” The alabaster alicorn huffed in annoyance, but still acted as though she would tell me. Probably would have, too, but she was denied the privilege.

“Me, again.” The white stallion developed a wistful haze in his eyes. “She's the nicest, most wonderful mare in Equestria.”

“And I couldn't care less.” I've been hired for a security job, the second one I've worked in my life. I am both unwilling and incapable when it comes to dealing with people in a respectful manner, barring military personnel and the elderly. “Just let me know who I don't need to beat down.”

“I thought stay with my little ponies would have mellowed you out a little.” Celestia was joking, a feeling in my gut told me so. Spending so much time telepathically communicating with the monarch had taught me two things: That I can understand the immortal mare, and that ruling over a court was very, very boring.

“You should have known better, Tia.”

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SNEAK PEAK

“Jay, Taylor, welcome to [REDACTED].”

“I think you just killed half of my brain cells.”

“Oh come on, I've been wanting to make that joke since I met you two.”

SciFi Was Better Before it Changed to SyFy

I'm not a fan of long, concrete hallways. You know the type, the ones with the too-bright florescent lights and no fucking doors until the end. Yeah, that described this one perfectly.

“Do you two remember when I told you about humans appearing here from time to time?” This better be related to the job, or I'm gonna be pissed. I'm not here for a history lesson, though I'd have loved one later.

“Of course, well, I do, anyway.” I can't quite recall if the princess ever told me, but it seemed that Jay knew what she meant.

“Wouldn't it make sense that they would bring things with them?” Of course it did, what kind of question was that?

“Tia, we came here with a Chevy Silverado and a knife. Items cross over when their owners do.” The alabaster alicorn shot me a mischievous glance in response, of course, she knew about my revolver, but that was our little secret.

“Following your logic, wouldn't it make sense to keep these items away from my little ponies?” Clever girl, she was leading Jay and I to a storage room full of items and things that once belonged to other humans that had found their way to Equestria. After walking for about forty minutes, which a long goddamn time to spend in dark corridors, we came to a set of steel doors. By doors, I mean blast doors, the sort you see in fallout shelters, damn things probably had lead inside them, too. With a push of magic, Celestia opened the way.

“Gentlemen, welcome to Marehouse Thirteen.” The princess had a grin on her face, time to put a stop to these shenanigans. I can appreciate a good joke, but a terrible one? Oh no, will not stand for it. I readied my Standard Teenage Response Cannon, something I almost never used. With a deep breath, and a prayer to prevent misfire, I launched my counterattack.

“Gaaaaaaaaay.” Both Jay and the pony looked at me as though I was insane.

“Dude, that was a solid reference.” How could he not see my hatred for the joke? Was he blind to the pain it caused me? Or had he taken sick pleasure in my torment? “What the hell is your problem?”

“It's a show about magical artifacts on SyFy, I liked that channel more when it actually showed decent horror and science fiction movies.” More of the I think you're crazy look from them.

“Moving on...” Princess Celestia knew that it wasn't good to stay on subjects that have a tendency to aggravate me, and she wisely changed the subject. With a cough to clear her throat, the alicorn flipped an oversized switch on a wall. Row after row of lights activated, illuminating the warehouse in dull light, it took about forty seconds for the ones at the far side to power on. Care to wager how big that would make this place?

The answer: Fucking huge.

“This warehouse contains every vehicle, book, device, and article of clothing that has come from Earth over the ages.” She wasn't joking, there were things that haven't existed since the... hold the fucking phone, I have a very serious question to ask.

“Do you have anything from the Library of Alexandria?” My curiosity isn't based on monetary gain, or anything like that. I genuinely wanted to see a scroll from the great library, one of my many goals in the field of academia.

“This is actually pretty embarrassing, but we haven't sorted though all of this.” The princess looked like she had been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar. She wore a sheepish smile, asking us to remain civil.

“There may have been something to send us home down here, and you didn't tell us?” I was surprised that Jay had the chance to speak before me, but, he was angrier than I was about the inaction Celestia had displayed. “What warranted that kind of secrecy? We've done nothing but cooperate since we arrived.”

“Jay, the princess and I know much more about my invention than you.” There was maybe a very slim chance of something helpful being down here, but barring experiments from Roswell, I was pretty sure that we were shit out of luck. “We'd need some crazy, alien technology to even attempt to recreate my FTL gun.”

“What about my laptop?” Was the band member still hung up on the damned thing? Jay really needed to know when to let shit lie.

“If we get back, I’ll build you a new one.” Though, returning home wasn't a guarantee at this point, even if we found both the FTL and the laptop, there was no certainty that we could open a wormhole back to our Earth.

“Well, moving on.” Celestia was wise to stop our bickering before it came to blows. “After the wedding, I want the two of you to categorize everything down here.”

“Why didn't you get one of the other humans to do this?” My inner laziness was preventing me from caring about what the alicorn wanted from me. I just wanted to do my job, get payed, then get back to Ponyville.

“Because, as unpredictable as you two are, I still trust you more than most other humans that I've met.” A flash of recognition crossed Jay's face, I think he knew more about something practical than I did. About damn time, too. “At least consider it, would you?”

I shrugged, which was my standard signal for yes. I’d put some thought into her offer.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Isn't it amazing how huge a place can really be?

I'd never given the locations in Canterlot my full attention before, was there ever a dining room shown in the castle? Because there was one, and it would be used to store wedding gifts and the like until everything was said and done. Jay and I had been allotted three days to prepare ourselves, and I was using the time to familiarize myself with the castle grounds. Reception in the gardens, ceremony in the... I don't even know what the fuck that room could be called, and storage in the dining hall. I had the basic locations memorized, but navigating was a bit tricky, so say the least.

Shining Armor was actually a total bro, guy even invited me and Jay to his bachelor party. Because of a general lack of clothing, I was more than curious about how pony strippers worked, but I had more important things to do than stare at the product of a horrible father. The bridesmaids had arrived yesterday, but I couldn't hang out with Lyra, because it was a security risk, Celestia's own words. When Caesar says do this it is performed swiftly, I suppose. Not that I thought the princess held her power over her subjects, I knew she just wanted to be thought of like anypony else, but she still held authority.

I wonder if Jay's having more fun than me right now.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Jay Braden was lost. While the layout of a castle seemed like it would be simple, it seemed the ponies had never so much as heard of the term. It didn't help that the walls were nearly featureless, at least in the teen's mind, white marble was white marble. It wasn't until a small flash of pink, the sensation of light impact, and the curious tingle of magic, that he found someone else roaming the halls. Well, somepony, in any case.

A pink alicorn was sprawled on the floor, her mane askew and frazzled from the bump. In an odd moment of kindness, Jay was concerned.

“Oh, sorry.” The teen extended his hand to help the pony up, paying no mind to the obvious wings and horn combination. Of course, he thought that it may have been Princess Cadence, he'd seen the ads before coming to Equestria. Not like alicorns popped up when humans were involved with Equestria, or anything.

Much to the band member's surprise, his offered hand was swatted away.

“Just watch were you're going.” The bitchy, pink pony bumped into Jay as she left. There was that familiar fizzle of magic reacting to his presence, then nothing. Wow, talk about bridezilla. It was at that time that the human resolved to attend Shining Armor's bachelor party, give the guy one last big show before that she-devil sucked the life out of him. But, one thing struck Jay as odd as Cadence retreated through the halls.

“Did that bitch just ripple?”

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Oh, listen up. Found a game that I just have to share with you guys. It's called Slender
Download it.
Play it.
Hate me for linking it to you.

The Night Before...

“I'm glad you changed your mind, Taylor” Shining Armor was grinning ear to ear, which, given the facial anatomy of equines, was very difficult.

“I told you he'd come around.” Jay was right, especially after what he told me of Cadence being a complete bitch. Well, general rudeness was expected, we were human, but slapping away an offered hand is uncalled for. Which, of course, was my reason for being here.

“I just wish we could have left the city.” I understood why Celestia hadn't let us out, Shining Armor had a barrier to keep up, we couldn't just go for a trip to Las Pegasus. Still, we were going to have fun with this bachelor party. I take back everything nasty that I've ever thought about Armor, I actually kind of felt bad for him. I don't know how many friends he has, if any, but his squad-mates were unable to attend. If we hadn't shown up, he would've been alone right now. “Las Pegasus sounds a lot like our Las Vegas.”

“It's alright, if you like drinking and gambling.” Shining Armor shrugged, right as he'd captured my full attention. Alcohol isn't really my thing, I only drink on occasion, but I'm a damn shark at blackjack, and that was a wonderful opportunity to earn money. Well, earn is a loose term, really depends on how you apply it. “I hope you guys don't mind me being nervous.”

“Understandable, you've got a big day coming up, just don't leave the bride at the altar.” Jay was joking about him getting cold feet, er, hooves as it were. Not really the sort of thing you can pull a punchline from, but he was trying. “All that matters right now is having fun, just the three of us on the town.”

“Before we get started, I need to lay down some ground rules.” This was important, the Bro Code dictated the ancient and absolute rules of bachelor parties. “If anyone asks, we don't remember anything. Not a damned thing about tonight will ever be spoken of again, unless it is between the three of us, alone.”

“You say that like we're going to get into trouble.” Armor looked a little put off at the idea of running wild. Of course, as a captain, he was held to a higher standard. Good thing photography of the groom-to-be was forbidden to prevent scandals until after the ceremony. Word of mouth, however, was still well and good, not that hanging out with two mythical creatures wouldn't damage his good name. “How are we supposed to pull off amnesia, anyway?”

“Already taken care of, my horny friend.” The unicorn blushed at my humor, surprising what embarrassed ponies, unicorns and their horns, pegasi had their wings, earth ponies had a thing for flanks, even a passive joke could be seen as adult comedy. To answer the captain's question, I produced a flask from the back of my pants, where I usually kept the revolver. It was high powered grain alcohol, about one-eighty proof, fresh from the Griffin Pridelands. “All we have to do is show up with this bad boy empty.”

“Where did you even get that?” Jay was obviously very surprised by my resourcefulness. That, or he was shocked that I'd managed to get my hands on booze without any sort of identification. Either way, I had definitely pulled one over on Canterlot's system of laws.

“Liquor store.” I unscrewed the flask's cap and took a whiff of the stuff. With a few coughs, I found out very quickly that I had gotten my money's worth. Damn, no one bring a match anywhere near me for the next few hours, maybe the next couple of days. We should probably mix this up before we drink it, so we don't vomit our guts out.

“The one at the corner of Chapel Boulevard and Eclipse Avenue?” I was genuinely amazed that the straight laced stallion knew the den of vice that I had procured the distillation from, maybe he was an acquaintance of the old griffin that owned the place. Maybe the guy had a bit of a wild streak in him, after all. The thought brought a small smile to my face, it wasn't every day that I had this number of opportunities stretched out before me.

“The very same.” We shared a nod, familiarity with the city would be invaluable in the event of an attack, God forbid, and it was a wonderful excuse to subtly share our knowledge. Besides, a little dirt dealing never killed anybody, a lot, however, has been the deaths of countless people. “Second rule for tonight: No communication with outsiders, that includes fiances, marefriends, coltfriends, spouses, family, in-laws, and future in-laws.”

“You done this before, or something?” Jay was a little taken back by my progress, or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't asked him to help. I really don't know which, but it was a guess, that had to count for something. Right? “You've rattled this off like you rehearsed it.”

“This speech has been used by innumerable individuals when their friends were being hitched to the old ball and chain.” Shining Armor looked a bit offended at my honest opinion of the institution of marriage, but seemed pleasantly that I called him a friend. “You just don't have the culture to understand the tradition.”

“What else does this tradition involve?” I think the stallion was a little nervous about the night's events, human culture could be shocking to the small equines, even the most family-friendly activities could be considered too obscene for every day conversation. “Where are we supposed to go?”

“Oh, you know.” I blew over the flask's mouth, making a small whistling noise. I put on a small smile, trying to ease the unicorn as much as I could before dropping my next bit of humor. “Strip clubs, bars, maybe a brothel or two.”

“WHAT!?” Both Jay and Shining Armor looked at me like I’d gone insane. I was kidding, of course, and they knew it, but comedy was the universal killer of nervousness. After a few moments, we shared a long laugh, even some passing guards grinned as the heard us.

“I'm never going to get used to you two.” Bro-fists/hooves were exchanged as the white stallion recovered from the cacophonous revelry. Despite my earlier opinions, Armor was turning out to be a pretty cool guy, even with the law enforcement job. We joked around for about another hour, taking jabs at one another, all in good fun. But, sunset was upon us, and we needed to get down to business. With Canterlot's lights twinkling below the balcony, I brought the flask out again.

“Gentlemen, tonight shall be recorded as the wildest night in Equestrian history.” I brought out three shot glasses, and poured some of the clear drink into each of them. “What happens, we shall never speak of, it never happened as far as we know.” I passed a glass to each of them, and raised mine in celebration. “To Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, may the two of you have a long and happy marriage.” The others moved to drink, but halted as they noticed that my arm was still. I wasn't done, not until I said everything I needed to.

“But, more importantly, may this be a night that we won't remember, but we shall never forget.”

... Some of the 'Party'...

We downed the shots immediately, and the ceremonial shudder ran down our collective spines. That shit burned more than I'd expected it to, but what can you do? The three of us went off into Canterlot, looking for any place that would cater to our needs. We didn't have to search very long, and we came across one such business on Sidesaddle Street.

“The Riding Crop.” I read the sign aloud, and wonder what waited inside for us. I knew some of the possibilities, but had no certainties. “Canterlot have many S&M clubs?”

“No, it's the club my dad took me to after I enlisted.” I couldn't imagine that Shining Armor's mother enjoyed her husband and son going to a place that entertained males of all backgrounds and adult ages. “Don't give me that look.”

“What are we waiting for?” Jay took the lead, and we made a beeline for the door, only to be blocked by the club's bouncer. You know the type, the kind of guy that watches Roadhouse and fondles himself. Imagine that guy in the body of an earth pony about as thick as he was tall.

“Where do ya think you're goin'?” Oh Christ, he has a Jersey accent, that's too fucking rich! I think I started laughing at that point, because the bouncer got mad very quickly. “You got somethin' to say, big guy?”

“Yeah, I got somethin' to say.” I chuckled some more, and nudged Jay and Armor aside as I approached. I leaned down, hey, the stallion may have been stout, but he was still short, and I put on my best(worst?) sneer. “Me and my boys here are trying to have some fun, and you're trying to stop us.”

“We don't serve your kind here, I’m sure.” I'm not quite sure how you're supposed to treat bouncers, but I'm certain that I'm doing it wrong. Not that I care, but I’d still like to know the proper ways of dealing with them.

“Do you know what discrimination gets you where I'm from?” When the earth pony stallion shook his head, I grinned wider. “A boot to the teeth.” To emphasize my point, I shook my foot. The leather on my old boots was worn enough to see the steel in the toes in places. I don't think I'm very intimidating, but my point must have been made, because the bouncer quickly stepped aside. I motioned for Jay and Shining Armor to follow.

Jay and I made a show of throwing the doors open, and allowed our unicorn friend to have the honor of entering the strip club first. Inside the lobby, some pop track was playing form the next room, which must have been the main room. Good beat, but I'm not one for dancing, besides, we came to watch, not participate. The second pair of doors only opened after the outer set closed, a clever way to keep the public from looking inside, I wish I knew how to set something like that.

“Wait.” I stopped just before my hand touched the steel door handle, a thought had struck me from nowhere. To most people, it the question wouldn't make much sense, but for someone like me, it mattered quite a bit. “If Equestrian money is all metal, how do pony strippers collect?”

“Communal tip jars for each stage.” Armor was quick to answer, and my hopes of making it hail died just as fast. Well, with no other questions, I opened the door for the lucky bachelor.

And my mind sputtered at what I saw.

One half of the club seemed normal, if you ignored the fact that the dancers were technicolor equines. They were dressed much more than most ponies would wear, even to a formal gathering. Bit gags, bridles, saddles, even blinders on a few, it was all pretty normal. But the other side, of boy, the other side was sickening. The dancers were dressing, not stripping, it made no sense. But then I thought about it, and it became clear.

“Something wrong, Taylor?” Shining Armor nudged my leg, trying to snap me out of whatever trance had ensnared me.

“No.” The answer was simple, one word, the sort that I reserved for hostility. I quickly apologized, out of character for me, but I did. Taking another sip from the flask, I gave a suggestion. “Let's get you a lap dance, buddy.”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

Four hours, one thousand bits, and half a flask later, we found ourselves at a bar in Canterlot's upper class section. That being said, the place could be considered a dive, the sort of relaxed drinking locale common to my hometown. At that point, we were obviously drunk, and the bartender was about to deny us service, but my newest friend flashed his badge. I never knew being buddies with a cop would have its perks, I wish I'd learned that sooner.

“Ya know what, man?” I leaned over the booth's table at the unicorn. My speech was slurred, I was dizzy, and I couldn't care less. Which was odd, because I was on a full stomach, and had only been occasionally sipping from my earlier purchase. “I fuckin' love you, bro.”

“Gay.” Jay started laughing from his seat, drink in hand. He was a prime example of why you should plan ahead when you're going out. He had drunk more than Armor and me combined, and someone that scrawny has no business packing booze away like that.

“I bet you play the skin flute.” I took another sip, and a thought entered my mind. Between the constant distraction of inebriation and music. It explained why I was wasted, despite my low intake, and why it hit me way harder than it should have. Did I just think the same thing twice? Shit. “I think that griffin drugged me.”

“You bought that from a griffin?” That sobered Jay up slightly, and Armor put down the bottle he was attached to, wanting to know what was going on. “Big mistake, dude, griffins hate humans.”

“You're saying that to me now?” That's the kind of thing I needed to know before I try to communicate with feline/bird hybrids. With that horror in mind, I rose to my shaking feet, and tried to get to the nearest hospital. I'm not one to panic, but I had been exposing myself to some unknown chemical for the past four hours, I needed to go.

“Let's get the fuck out of here.” To my surprise, it was Armor that said that, not me or Jay. When I scooted out of the booth, I fell to the floor, and briefly wondered why the room was spinning. I used the seat to balance myself, and did my very best to walk out. Ever seen one of those drunk walking scenes in movies or video games? The type where the camera focuses and unfocuses randomly, and it wobbles around? Yeah, now add ponies and everything being smaller than it should be, and you'll understand my situation.

“Watch it, asshole.” I bumped into some... pony, I couldn't even be bother to check gender at that point. Anyway, I think I spilled his drink, yeah it was definitely a stallion, I think. I say I spilled his drink, because he reacted as one often does when his drink is spilled by a drunk guy at a bar.

By that, I mean he punched me in to stomach.

$%$%$%$%$%$%File Attached<*>I Blame You Chapter 25<*>Preview Mode<*>

Damn. Where the hell am I? I'm still in Canterlot, I know that much, but no specifics. My head hurts, my stomach and face hurt. I remember a hoof, and then... nothing. I tried to move, get my bearings, figure some things out. When I tried to bring my arm down, something held it back. I cracked my eyes, and swore under my breath, before I understood why I couldn't move.

I was handcuffed.

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I only put that preview because it may be a while before the next update. It is also subject to change.

... And the Morning After [Part 1]

If I had to describe this chapter in one word, it would be meh.
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What the hell happened last night? I remember spilling someone's drink, then the guy punching my stomach, then... nothing. My throbbing head didn't help much, nor did my achy chest and face. Apparently, he had done more than hit me, we must have gotten into a fight. Luckily, my stomach seems fine, I've heard that vomiting when hungover is horribly painful. For the first time, I cracked my eyes open, only to be blinded by sunlight streaming in from a window. My immediate response was to block my eyes with my arm, but when I tried to bring it over, it jerked to a stop with the sound of metal hitting wood. I braved the painful light to see what halted my progress, and I must say, I was surprised by what I saw.

Both of my wrists were cuffed to a headboard.

I can't say that I was worried, but the situation was most unusual. The fact that there was something warm lying next to me only worsened everything. With a soft snore, the warmth shuddered, and scooted closer, at least now I know the gender of my newest acquaintance. So, let's take a tally, shall we? I was drugged, went to a pony strip/dress club, got in a fight(possibly), blacked out, and ended up sharing a bed with some random mare. In one night, no offense to her, but I’ve managed to disgust myself more than I thought was possible. And I’ve seen some shit in my day, believe me.

I craned my neck to get a better look at whoever had taken me home, the little bit of paint that I'd seen was too nice for a motel, so I was likely in her house. mansion was probably a more appropriate term, however, because it was none other than Fleur-de-lis cuddled into my side. Being a member of America's middle class, it has been a dream to find a woman from a rich family, I just never thought it'd be like this. Upon hearing hoofsteps outside the door, I started to panic, because both possibilities of her relation to Fancy Pants ended poorly for me. Although, if she's his daughter, it would be much better on me than the alternative, because broken bones heal, but I can't come back to life.

“Fleur, wake up, dammit!” I started shaking as quietly as I could, taking care not to squeak the springs much. After a particularly hard motion, her eyes cracked a bit, and I seized the chance to get my point across. I wasn't about to make more noise than needed, but still, I was in kind of a hurry. “Get my clothes and uncuff me!”

“Who are you?” She was whispering in the same tone I was, and the mare was as startled and panicked as me. Of course, equine hearing is much keener than mine, and she heard the pony outside the room, which was likely Fancy Pants if I had to guess. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a miracle that she didn't bolt from the room the moment she saw me.

“Someone that's going to die if you don't him!” My voice's volume was inversely proportional to the proximity of the approaching pony. Scratch that, ponies, I heard eight hooves coming, one was significantly larger than the other, judging by the frequency of the steps. It didn't help that a familiar pain started to bloom in my brain's frontal lobe, a sign that Celestia was making a call. The message didn't even contain words, I just felt a splitting, agonizing migraine coming on.

“Daddy wouldn't kill you, he might have you arrested, though.” I couldn't tell if she was trying to be funny, at least she was searching for the keys to the cuffs. But, on a side note: THANK GOD!

You're very welcome, Taylor. Words filtered in over the pain, and Celestia's voice rang through my hungover mind. I was curious about her meaning, before the royal alicorn was kind enough to answer my unvoiced questions.

“That's certainly a side of you I never thought I'd see.” Apparently, the door's hinges were very well oiled, because they didn't make the first damn noise when opened. In the doorway stood Princess Celestia and Fancy Pants, in the stallion's defense, we were both equally mortified by the situation, whereas the alabaster alicorn couldn't stop herself from smiling. So, there I was, handcuffed to a headboard in a mansion, with the owner and the ruler of a nation looking at my naked self. To top it all off, Fleur-de-lis had just found the keys, and currently had them dangling from her mouth.

“Mr. Fancy Pants, I don't suppose you can look over this entire situation.” I've only ever dealt with one angry father in my life, and he was a marine, so a business man didn't have me scared. I knew that I was safe, for the moment, but it only takes one call to take out a contract on someone. Much to my, rather pleasant, surprise, the white stallion smiled.

“We can talk things over after you get squared away, I'll wait for you downstairs.” Without another word, he turned and walked away, leaving me stunned at how calmly he took me sleeping with his daughter. Once he was out of earshot, and my wrists were freed from their bindings, I looked to my strange bedfellow.

“Any bodyguards, guard dogs, or heavy objects that might come my way if I go down there?” When Fluer shook her head, I nearly breathed a sigh of relief, but I restrained myself in front of my current employer. I dressed quickly, and began to plan my escape, because I really couldn't trust the rich stallion waiting downstairs. Behind every great fortune is a great crime, as they say, and this wasn't the sort of situation I like to be in. Wait... was all of this just an elaborate prank?

What makes you wonder that?

Because I don't think you're above it.

If it makes you feel better, the joke is being pulled on Fleur, not you. Wait, what? How the hell could the thin pony be made the butt of some joke? Everything pointed to it being very bad for me, not her. You'll see, just go downstairs, I'll be right there with you.

This was the second conspiracy that Celestia had hatched that involved me, so hopefully things would be worth my time. On the bright side, I didn't have to worry about Shining Armor, Tia wouldn't be here if he was missing. Why do I feel like I've sold out? Putting on my shirt, and checking my wallet for my money, even though American currency was completely worthless in Equestria, I nodded to the two ponies, and began the long walk to the foyer. Only the princess followed.

“Nice face bruise, by the way.” I caught my reflection in the hall, and indeed, there was a dark hoofprint extending from my forehead to cheek. That explained why my face hurt, and my chest was in a similar state, I knew that much. Still, there was plenty that I didn't remember about last night.

“Good to see you didn't try and leave through the window.” Motherfucker! That scared me, and Fancy Pants was standing in front of me. I am way too easy to sneak up on right now, and it showed.

“I take it this happens often, no offense to you.” First world white pony problems, gotta love them. The rich stallion nodded and sighed, as if I didn't feel bad enough as it was.

“Unfortunately, yes, Fleur has the nasty habit of drinking in excess, and that never good for anypony's decision making abilities.” Fancy floated a glass of orange juice to me, which I thanked him for, because my mouth was dryer than the Mojave in July. The once-smiling stallion turned serious, and for once, that marine didn't seem so scary. “I gave her an ultimatum, and this is the first she's acted up in months, but enough is enough.”

“It's really for the best that it was you that came here with her.” I wasn't sure if Celestia was referring to her trust in me, or biological incompatibility, but neither of them did me any good at the time. Of course, Fancy knew what she meant, even if I was in the dark.

“By this time tomorrow, she'll be on her way to a very strict all-female university.” That was the only time I've ever heard of using higher education as a punishment, where I'm from, most people want to go to college. Well, I was beaten, in bloody clothes, and having a pleasant conversation with the father of the woman I'd fucked the previous night. Actually, things weren't that bad, all things considered. “I'm sorry you got caught up in all of this, really.”

“No damage done, I'm just glad to be in friendly territory.” I chuckled, and winced, at my own joke. The two white ponies noticed, and both wondered what I meant, before the moustachioed stallion understood. “Wouldn't have done too well waking up in an alleyway covered in my own vomit.”

“On that happy note, we need to get Jay from the drunk tank.”

The Morning After (Part 2)

You know that feeling of dread and impending doom you get when you see a cop's lights in your rearview? That's what walking into any police station is like for me, whether I'm being locked up or not. Just something about the uniforms, guns, and the proximity to criminals makes me antsy enough to cause a migraine. Considering that I'm hungover, it made me downright homicidal.

“Could you stop glaring at that stallion?” Celestia wasn't using telepathy to communicate, which I was absolutely grateful for, the last thing I needed was a wedge driven into my frontal lobe.

“Can we hurry, I'm not a fan of cops.” They weren't law enforcement in the sense you'd think, they were just royal guards, which may have explained why Ponyville doesn't have police. Or maybe they don't wear uniforms at all times, I really have no idea.

“They still have to bring Jay out, then we can head back the castle.” The princess was busying herself with a magazine she'd bought on the way, what, did you think the guards stocked them in the station's lobby? The cover was a nice photo of Shining Armor doing body shots off a stripper, why the hell did I have to forget that? What, it seemed like an enjoyable part of our evening.

“Never took you for a fan of tabloids, Tia.” The monarch seemed to regard my statement with amusement, before she showed the page she was on to me. Sweet zombie Jesus, someone got a picture of me with a fucked up face, not the first time, but I didn't recall my lip being split. “That is obviously doctored.”

“Why would a respectable agency like Wolf News need to alter photographs?”

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Forty minutes later, Celestia, Jay, and I were back at the castle, idly chatting over breakfast. Although, whispering may have been a more appropriate term. The flautist's eyes were sunken, he was clutching his head every time a noise came from somewhere in the castle. If I wasn't feeling pain as well, I would have taken the opportunity to make as much sound as humanly possible.

“Imagine milk and pizza in a blender,” I said to my nauseous comrade. In Jay's defense, he had eaten quite a bit, but had a stomach of steel for some odd reason.

“Eat shit.” At least he put down the next bite of food, so I was getting to him in some small way. I guess I should quit while I'm ahead, for now, anyway.

“Twilight and her friends are arriving today.” The princess was being civil at the moment, only because it would be easier for all involved. Her two security chiefs were hungover and too sick to do much of anything, at least she could arrest a shady dealer because of my mistake. Shining Armor was in the barracks, but he had insisted on seeing to his duties, even if using magic hurt him like eating razors. That Shining Armor is a pretty cool guy, he makes forcefields and doesn't afraid of anything. Except his fiance, whom I had yet to meet, and it would hopefully stay that way.

“You aren't going to welcome them personally?” Jay was holding an icepack to his head, I told him it wouldn't work, but he wasn't listening. As usual.

“Security reasons.” The alicorn seemed as upset with it as the Elements likely were. Or would be, if they were still en route.

“Wait, so your guards let two mythical creatures near you, one of which was a suspected assassin at one time, but they won't let you near the Elements of Harmony?”

“Pretty much.”

“That's complete horseshit.”

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I've no idea how I ended up back in Marehouse Thirteen, nor why I was calling it that, but I believe it was something about procuring clothing to wear to the wedding. The ceremony was in three days at most, which presented quite a bit of trouble for Jay and I, as many of the artifacts were dated at several centuries. I don't have to tell you that most cloth doesn't hold up against time that well. At least this scavenger hunt was a nice distraction from the hangover pains, and the nausea that was only now hitting me. Besides, there was some sweet shit in here.

“Is that a Bubble?” For those of you who haven't played any of the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games, a Bubble is a powerful and rare item that reduces radiation. If I couldn't find the FTL gun and laptop, I could at least use the it to build a replacement. “Holy shit, I think it is.” I'm not going to touch it, though, just in case I'm mistaking my artifacts.

“How is an item from a video game in Equestria?” We stopped and stared at each other for a few seconds, before we came to the conclusion that noting would ever makes sense in our lives ever again. Surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult. We went back to work, sorting everything that wasn't needed for our appointed mission, which is meant to be read as just about everything. In the hours we spent working, we found a large number of weapons and miscellaneous items from various books, games, movies, any sort of media really. It goes without saying that we would have kept half of that shit if we had the chance. Especially when I found an Elder Scroll, and spent twenty minutes completely blind, but that's neither here nor there.

“I think I found a couple of uniforms that would fit us.” I looked up from my pile of assorted history to see jay holding up a couple of black uniforms, which seemed strangely familiar to my inner history buff. They were black, with white undershirts, and an equally black winter coat, the style was striking, awe-inspiring, attractive, and a bit intimidating. All in all, a good thing for a security officer to wear when guarding a number of high-value targets. However, one thing, and one thing only, was keeping me from jumping at the prospect of wearing the militaristic clothing.

“Where the hell did you find a pair of pre-war S.S. uniforms?” A better question was why Celestia even had them around, with their negative connotations and the awful thing associated with them.

“With other military stuff.” The flautist pointed to a large pile of bayonets and barbed wire, I think there may have been a few landmines scattered inside. I sighed, but perked up when I remember that the swastikas weren't sewed onto the actual uniforms, so the red armbands wouldn't darken in the wash. If they were attatched, well, those bayonets looked pretty sharp to me. One way or another, the antique uniforms would be our dress for the wedding, regardless of how awful that may have made us as individuals.

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“Christ, someone kill me now.” I was hunched over the table, my stomach was cramping and I felt I would lose the food I had ingested only minutes earlier. Celestia seemed a bit worried that I may be having an adverse side-effect to the drugs I'd been slipped. Jay, however, was having a ball.

“Hey, hey listen, listen, listen, hey listen!” The band member was imitating a certain fairy that had made her annoying ass a prevalent feature in many a loved game. In truth, he was pissing me off like no mortal should have the power to, but I can't really say I blame him for it. Really, he should blame me, I am the reason we're stuck here, but he's never said anything about it. Is it really that hard to turn to me and say I blame you, is it? “Imagine drinking a cup of warm tobacco spit.”

I would like to take a brief note if you don't mind. My friend had finally managed to make me vomit, and he has earned some of my respect for it, but there was a problem.

I emptied the contents of my stomach all over a relatively small alicorn.

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I have no afiliation of any sort with any white supremacist groups, nor any love for the Nazi party or what they did.
However, I do think those uniforms were pretty badass.

Sooner or Later...

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” The alicorn known as Luna was using her Royal Canterlot Voice, which, considering that I just vomited all over her, was well within her rights. In the brief instant that I had before her next verbal blast, I looked to Jay and Celestia. Apparently, both of them had made a hasty retreat. Why the fuck would anyone leave me alone with an impressionable pony that had anger issues? “I CAME TO GREET THEE, YET THY EMPTIED THINE STOMACH UPON US”

“You see-”

“SOME OF IT GOT IN OUR MOUTH!” I understand that Luna was very loud, my current proximity made it impossible not to, but there is something comedic about a pony gesturing to her mouth while covered in vomit. You'd have to have seen it to understand. It was so strange, really, that I had forgotten about my earlier illness, and simply enjoyed the moment. In a flash of inspiration, I emptied a bucket of water on her head, and ran like the wind. The irate royal gave chase, shouting with all the power of an enraged Dovahkiin. Horse, and ponies by extension, run faster than humans, but we have staying power that could only evolve on a planet of strife and war. However, magic spits in the face of Darwin and every other aspect of science.

By the time both of us had tired out, Luna was completely dry, and perfectly clean of the earlier detritus. With both of us panting and unable to do much more than attempt to catch our breath, I reached into my jacket pocket and produced the SS hat that went with my new suit. I gently set the headgear on the royal pony's head, bestowing the highest honor a man of my status can. The Princess of Night looked at me like I was completely insane, and believe me, she wasn't that far off the mark.

“Princess Luna, I give you the gift of Hat, and hope that you wear my offering into all of your battles.” In my experience, if you're having a disagreement, and you are in the wrong, Hats are a wonderful way to mend burned bridges. “Hat is the greatest sign of apology and friendship in human society.”

“You didn't mean for the earlier accident to happen, did you?” Like in the Nightmare Night episode, her demeanor completely changed, and I think she was glad to have the chance to make new friends. It was certainly better than anything I was planning on doing anyway.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Alright, so get this, Luna liked the idea of using Hat as a means of displaying good intentions, and insisted that I give Shining Armor one because of our little run on the wild side the previous night. Apparently, Luna saw everything that happened that night, including my indecent actions with Fluer-de-lis. Do you have any idea how awkward it is for someone to say that at the top of a conversation? Now imagine that person talking as Princess Luna. Hurts, don't it? Long story short, Shining Armor, Luna, and I were all wearing hats, with Armor wearing his over his helmet. Yes, I was jelly, I was very jelly.

The best part of all was Jay's and Tia's reaction, fucking priceless in my opinion. My friend was the slipperiest sonofabitch I've ever met on polite terms, so it was always quite amazing to leave him speechless. Of course, when he caught wind of everything, he joined right in, and the three of us were on a tower overlooking the courtyard when Twilight met her brother. We watched from above as she shared a tender, family moment with her older sibling, quite heartwarming, but I digress. Then Cadence walked up, please note that we couldn't hear them from our perch, but we caught the gist of everything said.

Jay was right, the pink alicorn was a bitch, she just brushed Twilight off and ordered Shining around like a dog. But when she made him remove his hat, it meant war between our peoples.

“That hardly seems like a pleasant thing to do, for a pony whose special talent is love.” Jay was in Gentleman Mode, as close proximity to top hats and monocles would set him to, but his rage was conveyed nonetheless.

“Quite.” I looked over the lean form of the so-called princess, looking for anything that would set off my Uncanny Valley sense. Ponies walk a certain way, just like humans, and seeing anything that deviated even slightly would be a signal that something was wrong with the individual. I knew right there and then that whoever it was, she sure as shit wasn't Cadence, of even a pony for that matter. But that begged for an explanation of what the fuck she was. “Probably a Kelpie disguised as her.”

“Kelpie?” Of all the horse-themed villains the show would likely have, the aquatic killers weren't among them? What king of G-rated bull was this? “The only thing we have that can change forms is Changelings.”

“You mean the things that snatch children from their cribs and replace them with their own offspring to be raised by the clueless parents?” The dark blue alicorn paled at my description, but still nodded, so I was on to something.

“You think she's one of them?” Jay was still looking where she had been, predatory instinct was taking its hold over us, and scheming was only natural for us at the time. “That would explain why it looked like she rippled when she bumped into me.”

“Why in Equestria would you keep something like that a secret?” Luna was shocked by the revelation, but this called for a gentle touch. I would approach this situation, not as a monster, but a ghost. “We need to do something!”

“We apprehend her now, and we'll never find out where the real Cadence is.” My voice was sharp and strict, a blessing when it was so deep, it oozed authority. “Spies don't reveal information willingly.”

“So we're stuck?” I was surprised that Jay wasn't thinking quite like me, but that was just fine, I could explain everything to him and Luna if need be.

“I think Twilight noticed something was up, I can work with her, you two act normal, but make your own preparations for war.” I actually didn't know if war was going to erupt, but you don't garrison that many troops for a small skirmish. “When we find the real Cadence, you two can move in to make the arrest.”

“Glad to see you have all the plans.” Jay was a snarky prick at the best of times, but he was being serious. I think. “Anything else we should do in the meantime.”

“Luna, let your sister know about my suspicions while I talk to Twilight.”
The pony remained silent, but consented to her assigned duty. Why was I ordering royalty around? Because I can, that's why.

“What about me?” Always gotta be the center of attention, but I had a special job for him.

“Jay, hug everypony you come into contact with.”

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When Chrysalis sent Twilight to those crystal caverns, I actually said She's as fuckin' kelpie!
Watch them be made canon in Season 3, just because I said they didn't exist.

I Might do Little Extras at the End of Chapters

I had no way of knowing how quickly the Elements of Harmony would figure out that Cadence was an imposter, or even if they ever would. Of course, there was the easy way, if you catch my drift, but we would never find the real Cadence if we offed the faker. I was off to Shining Armor's private suite, Twilight was likely to be there as well, maybe I could kill two birds with one stone on this. Granted, the changeling who had taken the alicorn's form might be somewhere nearby, which could be very dangerous if he/she/it? got her claws/hooves/tentacles? on me. Good thing I retrieved the revolver from my room before heading out.

Walking across the large complex that was Canterlot Castle proved to be fairly easy, the shoes Rarity had made me some weeks ago were holding up to repeated stress like a professional had made them. When I neared my newest bro's temporary dwelling, I slowed to a stop. Waiting outside until Luna took over the observatory, really it was just a telescope used by the princesses so they could feel like they were doing something, I would have backup that knew the full situation. Soon, my future partner would make her presence known, and then I could add to my conspiracy against the changelings.

Damn, I need a hobby.

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Jay was having one of those days. With the threat of what was essentially an entire species of emotion vampires that had the ability to disguise themselves as anyone else, things weren't exactly looking up. That be said, he was dutifully performing his assigned task, even if he absolutely despised grunt work. Taylor was just sending him away as a distraction, something to take the heat off him while he worked the sorcery known as sabotage.

“JAY!” No. nonononononononono- “I haven't seen you in days! which is weird, because I know where everypony is, most of the time, except for when I lose them, like this one time, I didn't know where Berry Punch was for two whole weeks!” Yep, that was Pinkie Pie, here to destroy dimensional barriers and party, and she was out of walls to break. The number one party pony of Ponyville seemed to notice the red tinge on the flautist's face. “Is something wrong? You look like a tomato. Are you sick? Too hot? Too cold?”

For Jay, putting up with the hyperactive pony was worse than any punishment legally permitted by the Geneva Convention.

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Princess Luna had dealt with many conspiracies and dark plots in her long life, she'd also been the unfortunate head of one such plan. However, alicorn had never used cloak and dagger for the forces of good, that is, until now. The larger human seemed to have a mind for stealth, and had given specific instructions for her to follow. What the dark blue mare couldn't figure out was why Taylor wanted Celestia to take a dive if things came to combat with the leader of the changelings. Nevertheless, the royal pony marched through the halls of Castle Canterlot, intent on finding her older sister, whether Celestia believed the news Luna would deliver was another story entirely. Speak of the Smooze, there she was on the observatory!

With a beat of her powerful wings, the younger princess flew to the impromptu watchtower.

“As much as I enjoy seeing you, it isn't time to switch out, yet.” The tired, alabaster alicorn known as Princess Celestia looked exhausted by her constant necessity. The eldest royal visibly perked when her sister smiled in a way she hadn't seen in months.

“Taylor has a plan for us to defeat the possible changeling threat.” Luna wasn't using royal plural, she meant we to mean all of us in Canterlot.

“So he also determined who made the threat about the wedding ceremony?” The white mare wasn't even certain what would happen, but the human seemed to pick up on things rather quickly.

“Actually, it was Jay that made the initial discovery.” Celestia blinked several times, despite her knowledge of the flautist’s sneakiness, she hadn't been fully expecting him to identify threats to Equestrian life. Then again, she also hadn't anticipated her younger sister to be wearing a Nazi hat and associating her self with humans. Stranger things had certainly happened, she supposed.

“So, what does our fearless security chief think we should do?”

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“Why are you hiding in the bushes?” Twilight had just emerged from Shining Armor's private suite, looking very shocked and scared. Regardless, I had to shake her a few times to be sure she was the real deal. She didn't like that, not one bit. “Stop that!”

“Sorry, safety procedure.” That being said, I scooped the tiny equine into my arms and ran like hell, my hand was clamped over her mouth, and would prevent any guards form hearing her muffled screams. It's probably a good thing that I'm a good guy, if I can ponyknap without any difficulty. I would be able to take the lavender pony a fair distance, she barely weighed more than a buck twenty, which was nothing thanks to my increased physical activity.

“You're completely insane.” Twilight had wrenched her mouth from my grasp, but thankfully didn't make any alerting noises.

“Don't you know it.” A statement, not a question, she knew my stance on sanity. Much like sleep, sanity is for the weak, and only the weak wish to remain sane. After I had carried her into the underbelly of Castle Canterlot, which was the sewers for any of you that doesn't get espionage terminology, medieval espionage terminology, I mean. “You are aware that Cadence isn't who she seems to be, aren't you?”

“You disappear for two days and show up by ponyknapping me and claiming my foalsitter is an imposter?” Twilight gave me a once over, before smiling and nodding her joy. “You're lucky I think the same.”

“So, you ready to together on this?” Much to my surprise, the lavender pony shook her head, and I think I knew what was wrong. In truth, I was way off the mark.

“She's got my friends fooled, we need them if we want to stop her.” I keep forgetting that this world seems to follow Disney Logic, in that all members of the Good Guy Squad are need to defeat Generic Villain #1. Sadly, we didn't have that kind of time.

“Even if we did bring the other Elements around, stopping the fake Cadence would leave the real one stranded, and we might never find her.” My reasoning gave her pause, which was more than enough for me to take advantage of the situation, and bring her over to my plans. “You need to confront her at the rehearsal tomorrow, I’ll back you on it. Celestia and the others will respond negatively to our accusations, but the phony Cadence might use this as a chance to get us alone.”

“How does being alone help us? Couldn't she just kill us and get replacements to fool everypony?” Now, dear reader, this is where my ability to bullshit comes in handy.

“She knows that you are an Element Bearer, and the other would be alerted to your death instantaneously, and she'd be found out.” A look of worry drew over her features as the implications sank in, and for once, I think I had her full attention.

“How do we get around that, and stay alive, if she gets us alone?”

“Simple, my little pony, we are going to get ourselves captured.”

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-INTERLUDE- Spike Learns a New Word
Week Two in Equestria, actual date unknown.

I was eating breakfast, still adapting to the lack of meat available to me, but managing just fine. By that, I mean Jay and I had a plan to trap a deer that wandered too close to the portion of the Everfree we used for all of our unsuccessful hunting trips. Yes, deer have citizenship in Equestria, and yes, it is technically murder, but I’m hungry, dammit! With all of my usual hatred for the challenges a habitually carnivorous omnivore faced in a land of herbivores, things seemed pretty normal. Until I was approached by everyone's favorite dragon, and I don't mean Crackle. However, that would have been like that time Jay met Derpy, and therefore awesome on degrees my keyboard cannot express.

“Dude, I've been meaning to ask you something.” It didn't sound like a moral question, so Spike was well within his right to ask, as specified in Codex Brostartes.

“Talk is free, little man.” Actually, Spike came up to my mid-thigh, which meant he could be dangerous if he turned violent. Those jaws could crush gemstones, I ain't fucking with their owner.

“What does fuck mean?” Someone kill me, please, I beg you. I had no doubt where he had heard the word, but that didn't mean I was ready to be asked its meaning by draconian neonate. I needed to think of an excuse, some reason for me to leave. There was no such luck to be had, and I was only able to think of an alternate meaning.

“It's a grownup word for candy.” Fuck. That is going to bite me in the ass, I just know it. As if to spit in my face, the reptile proved my fear.

“Sweet, Rarity's gonna think it's cool that I can talk like an adult!”

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-INTERLUDE- Lyra's Big Surprise
Week One in Equestria, actual date forgotten because of my horrible short-term memory.

“Come on, it's not much farther.” Lyra was clad only in my hoodie, and still human from the day's transformation spell. It would wear off tomorrow night, a miscalculation on Twilight's end, but it did mean that I was spending the night at Lyra's house.

“I've been there before.” I was slightly irritated, because while I enjoy teaching those who wish to learn, I hate incompetence with a fiery passion. Teaching the human-loving mare to walk upright was the definition of that most hated of traits. However, she was a hot, naked chick, so human biology forced my teenaged ass to get the fuck over it. Lyra fetched the key from under the mat, and in a flash, we were inside her shared home. Just as soon as we were inside the comfortably-warm domicile, a familiar, dark blue garment covered my face.

“I was starting to get hot in that thing.” The human-loving pony had taken off my jacket, but hey, her house and her rules, I’m not gonna bitch about anything. I also enjoyed the view, but what can you do about it?

“Lyra?” Shit, a voice upstairs, seems my friend’s roommate came home early, or late, it was after sundown.

“Bon-Bon's home, I can’t wait to show her this!” Stairs might have been too difficult for her clumsy self to handle, so I was drafted to help the naked woman to her marefriend. Yes, Lyra and Bon-Bon are together, just one of the many fandom bits that applied in this universe. As soon as we stepped into the master bedroom, the two of us were assaulted by a feathery pillow.

“Who are you ponies?” Technically, only Lyra was a pony, but we were both identifiable as humans at the time, so Bon-Bon was incorrect. She also threw a vase at me. Did I mention that the earth pony has nightmares about home-invasion? Curiously enough, she also had a fetish for that sort of thing, from what I'd been told, though I have no idea how that came up.

“It's me, Bons!” Oh sure, she stops for the naked chick, but not for the upstanding guys in the green long-sleeve, she hit me with a fucking alarm clock. And another pillow, after the human-lover had started to explain herself.

“Lyra?” Bon-Bon looked stunned, to say the least, before she glared daggers at me and tossed a book my way. Apparently, she was under the impression that I was using evil magic to keep her lover in human form. “Change her back!” Just as I was readying my response, said human-loving pony-turned-ape came to my defense. With a phrase I had no idea would be involved in the night's shenanigans.

“Happy birthday!” I looked at the green-haired woman, slightly stunned at her words, before I came to a realization.

“You went through all of this trouble, just to surprise your girlfriend with kinky, inter-species, lesbian sex without involving a third party in the actual fucking?” A better question was why the hell was I still in that house? This wasn't really the sort of thing strangers should be observing. Unless, of course, I was going to be involved, in which case I'm game.

“Pretty much, yeah.” I put my arm over the naked woman's shoulder, a smile was across my face and I felt on top of the world.

“I am so goddamn proud of you.”

Life Lessons With Giant Battle Tanks

The Eagle, born by freedom won, yet held, in precarious station
He set upon defense and steeled his will
To guard and protect his new nation
So he resolved, defiant of all, who would challenge his right to be free
With a swift sailing vessel and ten carriage guns
To hunt the world's oceans and seas
Born to go into harm's way – Come all!
Ye hell or high waters be damned!
No lightning, no thunder, no hurricane gale can stand in the face of his wrath!
Be he beneath his enemy's feet, or by cloud, where their gaze can not go
When Leviathan rise
Every last man
Shall shake to the core of his soul.

The words entered my mind as I beheld the steel monstrosity before me, their was simply no way the massive tank could have come from our Earth. The armored siege engine had a total of eleven barrels, the main turret and ten secondary barrels that comprised the remaining death-dealers. A two-headed, gold eagle was emblazoned on several areas of the ungodly vehicle, a strange symbol of beauty on such a war-scarred machine. Leviathan, that would be its name, and when the changelings decided to attack, Jay and I would pilot the monstrous tank to victory. I have no way of knowing why I picked Leviathan out of all the others, there were plenty of vehicles I knew how to use, but the heavily-armored, mobile fortress called out to me, the same way my FTL gun begged to be built. Perhaps it was fate, perhaps the odd twitch of the powers that be, perhaps it wa-

Get up here, the rehearsal is about to start. Jay's voice sounded tinny over the radio, but it was the only way we could effectively communicate while wearing our new gas-masks. Either way, he ruined my moment, not that I was having much of one. I pressed two fingers against the portion of my mask the held my earpiece, and gave my acknowledgment. I gave one last look at the doors to the crystal caverns Celestia had told me about, I had a weird feeling about the cave system.

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Princess Celestia was slightly nervous about this situation, a potential coup, and she was about to hand her student over to the villain perpetrating it. When I walked in and took my position by the door, the wedding rehearsal began. It went rather smoothly, until the arranged interruption from Twilight Sparkle. It all went off so perfectly, even if Shining Armor hadn't been involved.

“Has anypony seen Twilight?” The white stallion looked to Jay and I, then to the others for an answer. It was thankfully provided by a spectacularly acting Element of Magic.

“I'm here.” The lavender mare stormed in, irate at some flaw she had found in the alicorn bride-to-be. “And I'm not going to stand by her, and neither should you!” Shining Armor looked embarrassed and glance around the room for a few moments, before speaking in a somewhat timid tone.

“I don't know why she's acting like this.” The phony Cadence gave the whipped stallion a sharp look, and gave her venomous reply.

“Maybe we should just ignore her.”

“You have to listen to me!” Twilight's voice nearly cracked, I knew her enough to tell a few hidden feelings were surfacing. That, and I taught her how to fake emotional outbursts like this, as a small preparation for our sabotage.

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy was immediately at her friend's side, wondering if anything was troubling her fellow Element Bearer. To that extent, the yellow pegasus was an invaluable asset, but she may get involved in some unforeseen way.

“Yes, I'm fine!” The lavender pony recoiled from her shy comrade, not in disgust, but from fake feelings of entrapment.

“Ya sure 'bout that?” There was no response to Applejack's question, Twilight just forced the farmer's hat over her orange muzzle, and angrily walked forward.

“I have something to say.” The mage looked as furious as I'd ever seen her, and she held her character well. “She's evil!”

The other Elements whispered between each other in shock, Shining Armor put himself between his sister and the imposter, even the normally stoic guards were stunned by the outburst. I would continue quoting everything word-for-word, but I was getting mad at the fake alicorn's acting, so I’m just going to skip over it, lest my blood begin to boil in my veins. When the others left Twilight alone in Random Ceremony Room #2, I approached the teary-eyed pony and compounded the web we had spun over the imposter's eyes.

“Listen, Twilight, if it means anything, I believe you.” My masked face gave no emotion, and my voice was too muffled to reveal its tone, but it was enough to keep the show going. At my slight sign of understanding the fake princess revealed herself. In a burst of pseudo-regret, Twilight rushed into the mare's chest.

“I'm sorry for everything I said, I guess I was wrong about you.” As a precaution, I closed the distance between the Element and myself, if the imposter would try anything, I would be there for backup. Much to my surprise, by which I mean disgust, the fraud smiled sweetly, and her eyes pulsed a slight green. I hadn't really felt worried until a ring of green fire appeared around us.

“Aw, Twily, I’m so glad to hear it, too bad you were right all along.” The changeling's magic began to send us through the floor, my passive resistance seemed to take a back seat.

In short, I was fucked.

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Celestia felt Taylor's consciousness fade from her reach, but his life remained intact, the plan had worked at least in part. With a nod to her sister, the alicorn began her own preparations for tomorrow's battle, and Luna was sure to do the same. There was a certain number of casualties, and the guards had been given a secret executive order to use lethal force rather than subduction, this would hopefully lessen the loss of life. The flying carriages were unarmed, and most earth pony guards were unable to use most weapons, but their impressive armor would protect them from most conventional attacks.

With steel in her eyes, Princess Celestia prepared herself for war.

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Extra – Q&A with Taylor and Jay

Proto has brought Diction's Bad Advice With Diction to my attention, and I think it's a pretty cool idea. So, at the end of certain chapters, new ones that are dragging in my opinion and lack an extra to make up for it will have a Q&A-type deal in which Jay and I will answer questions sent by certain ponies (You get to pick who at the end of each chapter, and votes will be tallied before the next session), and many of the bits will include a special guest from the show (Chosen at random by spinning my finger over a list of characters in a circle with my eyes closed and stopping after ten seconds of random movement.” One question per session will be chosen from the comments, and will be answered with as much honesty as I feel like.

The first will be on the next chapter.

How is Something That Heavy not Falling Through the Floor?

It would appear that changeling magic is only mildly affected by the interruption field generated by the human body, and the negative response I would have was likewise lessened. That being said, it did nothing to soften the impact of my unarmored ass against the stone floor. By the glowing ceiling crystal, there was no doubt in my mind of my location, and hopefully the Marehouse's vehicle depot could be accessed from the area.

“You, who dares to wear the Deceiver’s form, would attempt to foil my plans.” The voice was strange, very different from the imposter's previous one. The form of the pseudo-Cadence appeared before me, and my first response to the threat was annihilation. I pulled the .38 from a jacket pocket a fired one of its six rounds at the fake pony. I hadn't expected the slug to ricochet off a flat bit of crystal, nor did I anticipate the wayward missile to bounce around until it flew though one of my mask's lenses. It didn't hurt me, just sprayed glass around the inside and tore a small hole in the rubber, but my actual skin was unharmed. “Blind and alone, that's how you'll die here.”

The imposter's eyes flashed green, and she disappeared into the crystalline screen, and all light faded from the asymmetrical room. I had lived more than forty seconds and felt no tiredness, so the chamber must be receiving air from somewhere, I only needed to find ou-

BOOM

“Goddamn!” A portion of the crystalline wall exploded from a blast of purplish energy, which let me know the cavalry had arrived. From the settling dust emerbed the form of Twilight Sparkle and the worse-for-wear Princess Li Amore Cadenza, more commonly known as Cadence. However, I had not known she was the original at the time, and my action showed it. The Element of Magic was able to wrench my gun away before I could squeeze the trigger, much to my later relief.

“Taylor, she's the real one!” It would appear that I owed the pink alicorn an apology for attempting to murder her so hard she would die to death.

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Jay and Celestia shared a glance as the ceremony was being prepared, neither knew Taylor's exact location, or even if he was still alive, but they had a plan to execute, and it would not be delayed. The teen's hidden eyes darted around the room, he was far too nervous to be standing in a room this crowded, too many ponies, too many ways for things to go wrong. Jay shifted about, glancing at every pony that walked in, while also keeping his eye on Shining Armor. Even from his position by the door, the flautist could see his newest friend's nerves.

When the wedding band started up, Celestia and Jay could only hope for a miracle.

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Bitter Springs and Orange Fountain were two of Canterlot's finest rookies, and they were charged with the ever-important task to guarding a nondescript stone door near the palace's easternmost entrance.

“Why do we get sacked with the boring duty?” Orange, oddly enough, was the more bitter of the two, and his friend Bitter was usually rather chipper.

“Because you had to get caught doing body shots off a dresser two weeks ago.”

“But the captain did it, too.”

“After you did.” Bitter would have continued to berate his comrade, had something not caught his wee-trained senses. “Do you feel... rumbling?” Indeed, there was rumbling coming from within the palace, however, it was not coming from behind the door they guarded. Rather, it came from another area of the wall, which was well over twenty feet of solid stone. No sooner had the thought crossed Orange's mind, had the impossible happened.

The steel behemoth known as Leviathan burst from within the palace, its main gun manned by an alicorn, and its lascannon turrets operated by the Element of Magic herself. In the pilot's seat was a royally pissed off teenager with slight anger issues and no regard for his own safety.

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I had known from the moment I had laid eyes on Leviathan that it was a Mars Pattern Baneblade, however, I hadn't known that it would be so comfortable on the inside. My pilot's chair was well-cushioned, and the twin tread controls were ergonomically designed. By moving the two levers, I commanded the massive tank's movement, and they had two red buttons next to my thumbs that fired the vehicle's forward-facing, twin-linked heavy bolter turrets.

I flicked one of the switches in may chair's arm, it would send a small blip over the comm frequency, everyone that had one would know that it was coming from me. Warhammer radios aren't that hard to figure out, and they used the same range for short-distance communication that Equestria's military pioneered. I'm certain there's no relation between the two technologies at all.

Taylor? Dude, where have you been? I didn't have time to answer that, the archaic clock on my view-screen said it was nearly time for the wedding to begin. My eyes scanned the limited range of sight I had available, which was negligible to say the least. I put Leviathan in high gear, and started zipping along the stone path at a breakneck twenty-five kilometers per hour, could you hear the sarcasm?

“Cadence, give me the turret seat.” The princess looked at me strangely, but I could care less. Even though the pink alicorn seemed relieved at the change of pace, the Princess of Love was more than worried about the ponies' well-being as I piloted a titanic war machine around castle grounds. “On second thought, nevermind.”

After all, why demolish the ceremony room when you can drive a Baneblade through a castle, and then crash the wedding.

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That overused tune that signaled the bride's walk down the aisle seemed like funereal bells for the two conspirators. Celestia and Jay were aware of their comrades' return, surely, Taylor had Twilight and the real Cadence in tow. The fact that the teen wasn't answering his radio and actively blocking the Solar Princess' attempts at communication were troubling on some deep level, there were simply no words to describe the unease that permeated the air. To her credit, the alabaster alicorn didn't show her distress, though the panic messages Bitter Springs and Orange Fountain were blaring nearly caused her heart to leap into her throat. Reports of a growling, metal monster followed a trail leading directly to the wedding, and with each report, Taylor would send another blip from wherever he was. Given the pattern, it was well within the realm of possibility that the teen had somehow commandeered a vehicle from Marehouse Thirteen and was bringing it there for backup.

A three tone burst from Jay signaled the approach of something, and if the rumbling floor was to be taken at face value, it was very large. Numerous ponies in the audience looked about the room for the source of the vibrations, even as its location became obvious. The Canterlot elite turned to face the door as the muffled voices of guards were drowned out by the titanic beast that was surely crawling their way. An explosion ripped through the massive, wooden portal as red light played with the shadows, and the iron giant known as Leviathan crept through the smoke.

“Is it too late to object?”

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Q&A With Taylor and Jay – Pilot
Special Guest: Princess Celestia

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first installment of Q&A With Taylor and Jay, allow me to introduce our hosts. You see those three on the stage? The shadowy figures in in director chairs? Yep, that’s them alright.

“I'm Taylor.” A teenage wearing a black uniform and a gas mask with a broken lens held up a gloved hand.

“And I'm Jay.” A bonier human wearing an equally black uniform, intact gas mask, and an SS officer's hat waved at the gathered audience. At the rehearsed time, the two males pointed between each other, at the third shadow on the barely-lit stage.

“And I'm Princess Celestia.” The royal alicorn seemed right at home in the spotlight, though she was most certainly unaccustomed to sharing the show with two humans. “I still have no idea how you got me to come on here.”

“Because we need something to do between tapings.” The teen in the cracked mask's voice wasn't muffled in the least, which showed it was purely for aesthetics and a completely non-functional replica. “But, ignoring that. Welcome to our first session, everyone.”

“First on the agenda is addressing letters and questions sent to us anonymously by ponies in Equestria.” Jay reached behind his chair a pulled out a short stack of envelopes, each mailed from random cities and towns. The very first one was, oddly enough, from Ponyville.

Why haven't Jay and Taylor come back to the hospital, everypony has heard that you two have needed medical attention

“Good question.” Taylor held up a finger, and circled it through the air a few times. “It's probably because I like to treat my own injuries, just minor surgery and the like.”

“You performed surgery on yourself?” Celestia looked at the broken-eyed teen in disbelief, before she remembered whom she was talking to. With a huff, the alicorn retrieved her own letter from the stack, the one had no return address.

Why are you at the wedding in the first place?

“Better question: why is this written in bug juice?” Celestia held the letter away from herself, as though touching the dried ichor would give her some horrid disease.

“Finally, our User Submission question, from Sine Wave.” Taylor flipped out a small notepad and hunted the correct page. “So, Taylor, put any thought into putting the moves on one of the Immortal God-Empresses of a planet?”

Princess Celestia gave the teen a sharp look, and the mechromancer gulped audibly.

“On advice of my counsel, I withhold my answer.”

Where's Ripley?

“Hello, fake Cadence, I request that you surrender.” My suggestion was backed by a Mega Battle Cannon, two twin-linked heavy bolter emplacements, two autocannons, three lascannons, and a Demolisher Cannon, every one of those was currently pointed at the false alicorn. “Make this easy on both of us, I'd rather not level all of Canterlot.”

“I don't know what you're talking about!” A liar until the bitter end, it seemed. No matter, if Cadence's response to seeing the phony was any indicator, there wouldn't be much in the area of questions after this. The pink alicorn quickly made her way for the hatch, but I forced her to stay back until Twilight had a chance to clear the air. Actually, I only did it to keep from confusing the two ponies on when they were on-screen. The Imperial Guard needs to invest more in viewing technologies, shit is way too blurry for the forty-first millenia.

“You're a changeling!” The Element of Magic obvious didn't bear the Element of Subtlety, but that was a moot point at the moment, because Cadence need to get her flank out there and win the crowd back. Yes, I said flank, you know I meant pony ass, but seriously, she's engaged, show some damned respect.

“They take the form of something you love and get stronger by feeding off your love for them.” While the princess' statement seemed oddly redundant, it got its point across just fine. Stunned gaps sounded from Leviathan's inner speakers, why the hell did aristocrats limit themselves to group thought like that, wouldn't it be so much more fun to act wildly? “Even Taylor will agree with us!”

“Of course I will, but only from the safety of my cockpit.” The massive war machine would protect me from just about everything the universe could throw at me, on the condition that I was actually within its armored confines.

“You saw her out of her disguise!” Twilight seemed angry, but I can't imagine why. After all, we were captured at the same time, more or less, and she saw as much if not more than I did, maybe she was referring to the crystal image.

“Twilight, I will exit Leviathan only if someone else is willing to take the controls, and none of you have thumbs.”

“I do.” I think Jay just wanted inside my bitchin' tank, and who could blame him? The steel monster was built for wrecking shit. For the record, I actually care about some of the ponies, and would prefer their shit went un-wrecked. With no other options – I mean good options – I made my way for the main hatch, maybe the autocannon would be enough to deter any attack. I took my position behind the high-caliber Gatling gun, and only then was able to see the extent of my mask's damage. Dust and bits of rubble clung to the rubber covering, and the blinking, blue light seeping from within the broken lens only added to the image of a wounded cyborg.

“Blind and alone, not quite what you imagine, eh?” If anything, the imposter seemed genuinely surprised that I was still as brash as ever, her eyes even flashed green for a split-second. “Before you try any of that Jedi mind-trick bullshit, just remember that humans are resistant to magic.” The pink faker backed up a bit, taking cover behind her meat-shield, Shining Armor. Under normal circumstances, I would have no objections destroying the cretin and her toy, but that was my bro she cowered behind. I can't shoot my bro, I just can't.

“You have one chance to surrender.” Celestia was deviating from the plan, if only slightly, and it even made her look better in the eyes of the aristocracy. Like a cornered snake, the changeling revealed her fangs when provoked. A swirling pillar of cold, emerald flames soared to the ceiling, quite nice, pretty good for a show. Trixie would have let this bitch know that I'm not impressed by smoke and mirrors. A lance of green magic flew from the towering blaze, and pierced the bubble protecting Canterlot form invasion like a hot knife through things that are easily cut by hot knives.

The impenetrable defense shattered like so much glass.

“Not going to happen, I have a hive to feed.” The fire cleared, and revealed a form that, were I an equine, would have appeared majestic and sensual. To me, it looked like a bug-horse that someone had taken a drill to, starting with her legs. Changeling, kelpie, they really were the same thing in Equestria, if the seaweed hair was any indicator, so I was half right in my earlier assumptions. Ignoring the stupidity of it, I turned to run back into Leviathan's armored depths, eager for some protection and the powerful offense the massive Baneblade provided. Another emerald spear lanced at the tank, and caught one of the lascannons in the battery hitch, it tore a deep gouge in the plating and ripped the thick cord, but did no irreparable damage.

A magic bubble wrapped around my midsection, fuck changeling magic, it wasn't fully affected by the distortion field. The insectoid equine pulled me to her side, like a child inspecting a new toy, her voice crept over my heart like glacial ice.

“First Canterlot, then all of Equestria, my hive will feed on them all.” The changeling broodmother seemed more than sinister in the room's lighting, the shadows played off her tiny, chitinous facial plating like a fine painting or sculpture. If these overgrown parasites fed on emotions, this bug was in for a big surprise if she tried to take my love. But seeing the swarm that was descending upon the city, some part of me doubted we would be able to save anyone. I used my free hand to execute the only order I was allowed to give, a triple tone of blaring static roars signaled the guard to fight for their lives and country.

“No.” The voice of a stern Celestia forced both of us to look at the alabaster alicorn. The goddess seemed more like the war gods of old, her righteous anger was well-earned and equally distributed amongst her enemies.

“Fuck taking a dive, ice this bitch.” In response, the light around my stomach tightened, it seemed the queen didn't like her food to talk. The two horned foes faced off in a physical shoving contest, neither gave an inch to her enemy. The unstoppable force of changeling hivequeen magic met the immovable object of Princess Celestia's resolve, and as magic became involved, the ponies in the room wisely fled.

The locked beams clashed and rippled with power, until only the victor could be crowned. It was a shock to see the princess hit the ground, her horn's tip was scorched in an odd parody of blast residue. The triumphant bug queen swiveled me around to her eyes, a smug glint played from within the beautiful, emerald pools and I wa- what the fuck! Was she messing with my mind in the middle of a goddamn war? I felt my mask's clasp loosen as a tug was applied, the changeling broodmother seemed to have a particular interest in my face.

“So, my little Deceiver, what could inspire you to work for these ponies?” The mention of the odd name was marked in my mind for later review, of course, that was assuming that I would have a later in which to study my findings. The familiar tickle of mind-magic radiated from my frontal lobe, but unlike Celestia, the action was surgical in precision and horrifying with its intensity. The chuckle from the bugbitch turned into an almost sensual purr as she probed my memories for motivation. Only her name matter to me, for the purpose of vengeance, and the cheese-legged ponybug felt generous enough to give me that.

“I am called Queen Chrysalis, and you're going to tell me everything I want to know.”

So Loud, so Angry... So Dead

Jay wasn't quite sure what to do. He had heard about war, read about it, but never had the misfortune of actively participating in combat. Being a high school sophomore at the time of his arrival in Equestria, he wasn't even an adult, so what was he expected to do? For the flautist, beating a changeling to death with a shovel seemed like a good place to begin. The uniformed teen still held the ichor-covered tool in his hands, it dripped bits of pale green fluid every few seconds, and gave him an overall air of don't fuck with me that the gas mask and black suit failed to deliver.

The teenager swung the oversized spade at another of the insectoid ponies, the impact sent it chittering to the ground. It screeched a bit as he sunk the blade into its neck and severed the head. A fiery explosion ripped through one of the nearby buildings, sending rubble, ponies, and changelings flying in several directions, a gas leak had been ignited by a stray spark. The brilliant display was enough of a distraction for one of the stealth-fighters to get the drop on Jay, and the bug tackled him into a vendor's stall.

“Holy fuck!” The teen punched and kicked against the large changeling, but its chitin had a high tolerance for impact. A massive rush of air and relief of pressure let the young man know he was safe, but something reassured him. You really couldn't guess what.

“Fancy seeing you here.” The brown earth pony held out a hoof to help the human to his feet, let it never be said this stallion was cruel. Jay was incredibly surprised to see none other than Doctor Whooves standing there, though he much preferred being called The Doctor, as Whooves wasn't his actual name. The discrepancy made Ponyville's two humans wonder why Derpy's name was that, perhaps she just kept her maiden name after the marriage.

“Thanks, Doc, don't suppose you'd mind lending me a hand, would ya?” Jay motioned to the bottles that now littered the streets, and then to the fire that still burned across the avenue. The Doctor looked between the points, before he quickly understood.

“A bit gruesome, but desperate times calls for desperate measures, as they say.”

It was a good thing the stall the human had been knocked into had been owned by Candle Wick, Canterlot's premier candle and lantern salespony.

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“Fuck you, bitch.” There were some things I would not stand for, and being molested and tortured by a changeling broodmother was pretty high on that list. You don't want to know what the top one is, trust me. Apparently, my choice of words could have been better. I mean way better.

“In good time.” Chrysalis was fucking around, I hope she was, anyway, because she seemed to enjoy toying with me more than anything so far. “I like to have a show before a meal, you understand, right?” With what felt like a brick to the base of my skull, yeah, you could say I understood her just fine. I feel rooting through my head for some emotional attachment to latch onto, the love-leach would do anything to sink her fangs into a meal.

“I'm not giving you anything.” Actually, she had free reign, the mind-magic was very different from Celestia, though it also seemed to keep her actively reading my thoughts. Maybe. If not, then she was seeing a very graphic simulation of my splattering her brain across the wall beside her head, too bad she took my gun.

“Shell composition: sixty-five percent iridium, twenty percent titanium, five percent aluminum, ten percent silicon.” The changeling ran her tongue up my neck, it was scarily warm compared to how cold my blood felt. “Obsession is a beautiful color on you.” I was fucking scared, alright, and I'm not too macho to admit it. “You could have made a weapon to hold you entire planet hostage, could have ruled the world with an iron fist.” Chrysalis chuckled for a bit, like I was the butt of some cosmic joke, maybe she was right. “And instead, you built a way to transport people and equipment lightyears in the span of a few minutes.”

“For the benefit of all mankind.” A sharp pain lanced through my head, it seemed I had angered the bitch behind the puppet strings. A blood vessel burst in my nose, no pain, but I felt wetness gush over my mouth.

“Never interrupt me.” Her magic tightened around my torso, and I used my free hand to try and pull out of the vice, to no avail. I think she kept one arm free just to mess with me, her sick idea of a game. Well, I'm no Rainsford, but I can play this game, too. “You're going to learn your place, and quickly.” With a final squeeze, she slacked her grip, and I could finally breathe again. In a flash, she switch personalities, which just about proved the she was a sociopath. “I'd hate to break my newest toy so soon.”

“Sorry.” The slight movement of levitation stopped for a moment, before I was quickly swiveled to Chrysalis' face, she actually seemed pleased with my new submissiveness. The very thought brought vomit to my mouth. The manipulative monster levitated my free hand to her face, like I was holding her, I only looked into her eyes to make sure she didn't pull anything freaky. A small smile appeared on her face, before being rapidly replaced by one of stunned pain, and I was dropped to the floor in a small spike of magic.

A horrific shrieking rang from outside, in the warring city. I'd know the sound of burning things anywhere, so someone had the bright idea of killing changelings with fire. Regardless, it appeared that every hive's queen had a telepathic link with her brood, because Chrysalis was writhing in pain on the ground. I had to keep in character, otherwise she might catch on. Actually, I probably could have pissed all over her and she'd be oblivious, but I wasn't about to test that theory. I walked to the downed queen, and like a loyal slave, knelt next to her. In a gesture that I hope was comforting, I wrapped an arm around her neck and brought head up to my shoulder, she was still twitching from the feedback, but visible relaxed under my touch.

“Shh, it's alright.” I nuzzled into the side of her face, the queen's eyes were closed, and she was breathing deeply. Obviously, Chrysalis was trying to catch her breath, so I only had a few moments to act. I shifted on my knees like I was trying to get into a more comfortable position, but my unoccupied hand drifted ever closer to my boot, where my survival knife was held. The nice part about this was the fact that I never thought about it, having the eight-inch blade was something I had grown accustomed to, an autonomous action I always performed. Real quick, did I mention I get a rush from gambling? Well, I do, and this bet had my heart racing.

With a plaintive whine form the bug, I moved my face closer to hers, this was where I hoped to all that was holy that I could pull playful and teasing off. I chuckled lightly and pressed my cheek into one of her larger facial plates, an action that elicited a small giggle from the sociopath. Nervousness was excusable in this situation, so it was not unexpected, and my heart signaled distress like no tomorrow. All the while, I had been moving our mouths closer, until they were millimeters apart. Right as we kissed, I swung the survival knife in a stabbing arch.

It never made contact. Chrysalis giggled again, just as nice and playful as before, but kept our lips locked. Both of us smiled, for very different reasons, but they were directly related. The queen was ecstatic at my stubbornness, even if I had given more than she had been after. I, however, was smiling because I knew I was fucked, Chrysalis had separated me from Leviathan, taken my gun, my mask, and forced me to reveal my last weapon. I allowed myself to find some humor in this.

“I've really messed up this time, haven't I?” The changeling only nodded and pressed in, completely enraptured in the new source of power she had found. A slight feature of the human body, when kissing someone whose genes are a good match for your own, your brain files that person under a mating list, and sets a slight, positive bond to that person. This is to boost the chances of you breeding with that individual, and your offspring inheriting a strong immune system, and since changelings are capable of manipulating their genetic build – within reason, they can't breed with plants – it technically made every member of their species the ideal mate in the brain's eyes. I had unknowingly given her a food source, while simultaneously disarming myself. Someone start the slow clap.

“You walked right into my parlor.”

Yeah, Everypony has Something Unusual.

The improvised firebombs were rather effective against the insect-like changelings, especially when their internal organs expanded from the heat and overwhelm their shells' integrity. After a few seconds of direct burning they just went POP!, nothing much to it.

“Asshole, this used to be a good neighborhood!” Jay lobbed another bottle into an apartment building, thankfully evacuated of its tenants, and watched as flames exposed the hidden bugs. The flute-playing pyro laughed behind his mask as the shape-shifters scittered from cover seeking safety, only to be crushed by the rallying guardsponies. “Guards, fan out and search any uncleared build-”

“Ours is the sound of victory!” A white unicorn with a wild blue mane cried out, accompanied by a blaring line of heavy bass that shook all who heard to their physical core. Unknown to most, Vinyl Scratch, better known as DJ-Pon3, was an avid lover of practical applications of sound, none more so than sonic weaponry. A number of ponies with similar hairstyles were wielding box-like firearms, literal bass cannons, that fire a concentrated pressure wave that matched the resonance frequency of changeling chitin. This meant that the matter comprising their shells would shake violently, much like and opera singer with a wineglass.

We all know what happens to the glass when the singer hits a certain note.

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Let's take a tally, shall we? Celestia is unconscious, Cadence is powerless, the Elements and Jay are fighting in the city below, Queen Chrysalis was sitting high on the throne she was likely to take. Oh, right, Shining Armor is staring at one of the walls, oblivious as to what was happening around him. In a sense, I suppose I envied him, if only because he was blissful unaware of the ruin that surrounded him. At least his part in this was almost over, the bitch would likely keep me around for amusement, before killing me sometime within the next few months, if she managed to keep me contained that long.

“Well, at least you tried.” Chrysalis increased the pressure, it felt like an elephant was holding me against the ground. To add insult to injury, she was dragging my own blade over the skin of my neck, but never actually digging in enough to cut me. All the while, an burning pain was suffusing through my brain, the changeling broodmother was rummaging through my memories again.

“Oh, that spike of anger was a bit too bitter, but your fear is so sweet.” I had the sinking feeling that she was taking pleasure in my resistance, perhaps her vile species fed off all passionate emotions. If so, she was able to parasitize on my all-encompassing disdain for her and her kind, which meant that even when I was giving Chrysalis no affection of any sort, I was still nourishing her. “No hard feelings, right?”

“You can burn.” The queen pouted, I think she was trying to be cute in a sarcastic way, she had certainly picked up a few personality traits from rooting through my noggin. She'd gone from being a stealthy seductress, to a cavalier mind-breaker.

“You're really taking all the fun out of this, you know that?” She dug the knife in a bit, she obviously drew blood, I could tell by the sting. The changeling cackled and tossed the blade aside with a flick of her head, I heard the steel clatter as it skid across the floor. The broodmother's magic lifted me by my shirt collar, and dangled me a few inches off the ground, keeping me at horn-level. “Maybe we should liven things up.” A smile spread across the hive queen's face, like she knew something I didn't. Actually, that might be correct, she shared a psychic link with her massive brood, so she understood how the battle for Canterlot was going. “How do you feel about playing a little game?”

I could tell this was going to be awful.

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Thanks to Vinyl and her weaponized DJ equipment, Jay and the others were able to move much faster than fire and brawn alone would have allowed. Sound blasts and Molotov cocktails presented an unstoppable wave of anti-changeling carnage, bits of chitin and gore were splattered across the battle-scarred streets whenever the bugs mounted an assault. The earlier fights had taken too long without the ranged weapons, and after only an hour since their first use, the majority of Canterlot was returning to Equestrian control.

“We can't afford to rest.” Jay's uniform jacket had been singed, an entire sleeve burned away from one of his blasts, nevertheless, the flautist was ready for more action. “We still have to take the castle back.”

“Can't the princess and your buddy handle the changelings there?” Vinyl meant no disrespect to either Celestia, she knew that the alicorn was able to do quite a bit, much more than the DJ was able to fully understand. She'd also seen the other human during Shining Armor's bachelor pub-crawl, he was a big guy, so there was the physical power he likely possessed.

“The changeling queen took Celestia down, not sure about the other guy, though.” Feather Brawl was a pegasus from Cloudsdale, even he wasn't sure why he'd been invited to the wedding, but it wasn't the sort of thing you turned down. Actually, he was somewhat sure Derpy had mixed up the invitation with something else somewhere along her delivery route. “Last I saw, he was being dangled in the air, so I'm not betting in his favor.”

A pregnant pause fell on the group as the reality of the situation sank in, if Celestia's magic was unable to defend Canterlot, then hope was a luxury. Jay was the first to do anything, an inspirational act that was sure to rally the motley crew. Like a man walking to the gallows, he started chuckling to himself, and swapped his mask's filter for a cleaner one. Vinyl changed her bass cannon's battery pack, the sonic weapon hummer to life with the new power supply. The royal guards readied their spears, and the remaining noise troopers followed their leader's example. The uniformed human glared through his mask's lenses, a wave of contempt washed over him, and an equally powerful hit excitement followed suit.

“Let's do this.”

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Queen Chrysalis knew the battle was lost, she felt every end her children met at the hooves of Canterlot ponies, but she had already done what she came to do. The Grand Matron had sent her hive on this suicide mission to fulfill the next part of the Deceiver’s last prophecy, and she held up her end of the mission flawlessly. Her children wouldn't kill any of the ponies, changelings only killed when absolutely necessary, and they were under orders to leave the equines as unharmed as possible for all the pieces to fall into place properly. Her people, and the entire changeling species, had plenty of food, and emotions only made them stronger, so it made the best cover story.

The Deceiver had spoken of a day when the shadows would be revealed, and the secrets welcomed into the light, and this attack was meant to get the ball rolling. Humans were smart like that, even the tens of thousands of years ago when the Deceiver had appeared before the tribe that would become the changelings. With the myths surrounding the apes, it was Chrysalis' greatest surprise when she saw two humans serving under Celestia as security personnel, and it was only compounded when her pseudo-fiance had spent a night partying with them.

The sting of her honor guard's annihilation awoke the queen from her thoughts. The disguised changeling looked about the crystal caverns, trying to search out her prey. A slight beacon tugged at her mind, she knew exactly where Taylor was, but it was more entertaining to use her other senses to hunt him out. The unmasked teen was following the same path that had led to freedom the first time he'd been imprisoned the caverns, which should show Chrysalis where he had found Leviathan.

A decrepit, rusted door awaited the hive queen, even she could see the tripwire that led to a small pile of disks. With a bit of magic, the changeling cut the line, the pull-trigger for the cave-collapsing bombs was rendered useless by its obviousness. While she had to admit the human crafty, this made twice he had sneaked an attack on her life, he had no real way of competing with a creature whose entire life was based on deception. A few more stings of death fired through Chrysalis' brain, it would take the reclaiming squad a few minutes to free Celestia and Cadence, plus a few more to return Shining Armor to full lucidity. If things went well, the queen could enjoy her final game for an hour, before being killed like every other changeling they had come across.

Pushing the thoughts to the back of her mind, the broodmother flung the door open, and was greeted by a single bullet impacting the wall next to her head.

“Fuck.” The human ducked behind a piece of machinery, some sort of rod was in his hands, quite similar to the first weapon used against the queen. After Chrysalis took her next step, Taylor opted to simply fling his firearm at her rather than fix the jam, which the hive mother caught without effort.

“You really are all talk, I've presented you with ample opportunity.” The insect-like equine smiled at her own joke, though he hadn't said fuck you, her meaning be understood.

“I can only imagine how beat to hell that thing must be.” Was that a comment on her maternal status? If so, it wasn't exactly clever, but it would have stung, had she cared at all for his opinion. The human darted from his cover, knocking over several barrels as he went, their contents splashing over the cement floor and leaving shallow puddles of foul-smelling liquid everywhere. As the uniformed teen ran, Chrysalis kept at her leisurely walk, splashing in the acrid fluid as she went.

At the room's far end, she saw Taylor flick a lighter.

Magic, the Semi-Harmless Radiation

As the flickering lighter fell, I learned many things. First and foremost, that I was just as soaked as Chrysalis, we would both go up in flames in a second. I also noticed that the broodmother made no attempts to catch the incendiary device, actually, she seemed to accept her death without a fuss of fight. Perhaps it was adrenaline, or some miracle, but I was able to run much faster than my norm, and only felt the heat off the fireball from the exploding barrels. My clothing, however, was no so lucky, and the combustible fabric soon burned my skin. A heavy but somewhat pliant object slammed into my back and sent me to the ground.

A trail of fire connected with another grouping of barrels, bathing the only exit in flames. Not that I was in any condition to move, with my skin screaming in pain and whatever the fuck was on my back. I didn't expect the debris to move, or the inferno to warp around me instead of engulfing me like any fire should. A green spark caught my attention, and it turned to it as best I could, and actually wasn't that surprised with what I say. Chrysalis hadn't attempted to stop the initial explosion's shock-wave, but she hadn't been killed by it, the blast just stunned her. Her eyes were still open, but they were unfocused, and her magic was still actively deflecting the flames. I realized that was an autonomous survival response, and a certain bubble around her was protected from burning.

I had a wonderful idea.

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“You two alright?” Jay had just finished cutting Celestia from the cocoon he'd found her in, while the guards were taking care of Cadence and Shining Armor. The princess spit out some green gunk, some kind of bug juice from the inside the pod that had gotten into her lungs. At least it didn't seemed harmful, not yet, anyway.

“Chrysalis took Taylor to the caverns!” The outburst was punctuated by a low rumble permeating the castle, it came from deep below, most like the Marehouse. The human would know that feeling anywhere, and he was positive that was an explosion being muffled by the mountain's stone.

“Somehow, I think he has the situation under control.” Much to the uniformed teen's dismay, the alicorn pulled on his shoulders to hoist herself up. Celestia was capable of being very loud when she wanted, and if it helped get her point across, then she would resort to shouting. However, her calmer voice would do much more in this situation.

“You don't know how scared of her he is.” The alicorn was deathly serious, for the first time since Jay met her, the princess' eyes were narrowed in anger. The teen realized that he may have made a mistake in his estimates, but he couldn’t be certain if he had overestimated Taylor, or underestimated the changeling queen. Another rumble permeated the mountain, this one was more powerful than the previous one, likely munitions detonating inside the Marehouse. Jay briefly wondered how much damage had been done, before he remembered that his friend was likely in the epicenter of the blast. Taylor was a tough guy in his own right, but a large bomb would put him under like anybody else. “She had him shaking, she even used his own knife on him.”

“What kind of psycho is this bug bitch?” The teenaged pyromaniac did not like what he heard, nothing about the changeling queen sounded good. If Taylor was able to hold her off, it wouldn't last long, and the explosions erupting below the castle only proved the young man's desperation.

“We've got to get him out of there!” Shining Armor had returned to the waking world, thanks to his fiance's help, but there were more pressing matters than celebration at hoof. The captain was more than ready to mount an assault on the classified facility, the black project's location was well-known to the higher-ups in the royal guard. That didn't mean he knew what was held within, it just meant he knew the door code and how to clean the keyboard.

“Maybe we should keep you up here while more able soldiers take care of it.” There had never been a moment when Shining Armor looked at Cadence like she was insane, but there was a first time for everything. With Princess Celestia's stare, the slightly-shaken stallion had no option but to agree.

With the monarch's consent, Jay and Vinyl took four noise troopers to the lift.

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A suicide mission, that what it had been, simple as that. Chrysalis realized that Taylor had viewed their little game the same way as she did, and for a moment, almost felt guilty about attacking the city. The human was slumped against the lift's wall, most of his exposed skin was a mass of mottled red and pink, only his face and parts of his legs were untouched by the flames. The teen was still lucid enough to know that the broodmother was awake, possibly enough to know that she had faked being unconscious the entire time. Chrysalis briefly wondered what was going to become of her and her few children that still lived, freedom was unlikely, and Taylor was almost certainly set on execution. How long would she suffer at his hands before Celestia ordered him to end her, if the Solar Princess would even allow the human to perform the deed himself.

“I hope you'll kill me quickly, I hear torture is an awful experience.” The queen was joking, she highly doubted her burned carapace would be capable of sensation for some time, changelings took several weeks to regrow lost nerve endings, and her chitinous exoskeleton was sufficiently charred to warrant a shedding or two.

“Torture is the coward's method of information extraction.” Taylor was proving to be an odd one, he had set fire to an entire storage complex full of powerful artifacts in order to kill the hivemother, and now he was saying he wasn't going to torture her. Chrysalis was accustomed to using deception to get what she wanted, and she knew the human was after something, she just wasn't sure what. A single spark came from her horn before the human hurled an amorphous, soft object at her head, and she found herself unable to complete her digging.

“What did you hit me with?” The green thing rolled on the floor, its odd bumps and clefts made its movement as unusual as its form. Whatever it was, the strange item did a spectacular job at negating the queen's magic. The revelation brought a genuine smile to the teen's face, like a foal with a huge haul from Nightmare Night. Chrysalis realized that Taylor had just found a powerful weapon against any magic-wielder he could ever come across, and she was his test subject.

“It's called a Bubble, it neutralizes radiation.” The final terms was unfamiliar to the broodmother, though the way the human said it, it sounded like something awful. Chrysalis had seen into the teen's analytical mind, but hadn't found a reason to venture into his stored knowledge, she was actually regretting that decision. “Magic, it seems, is a harmless form of high-powered energy, like gamma without the gene damaging effects.”

Before the queen could ask what any of those words meant, the lift's door opened to reveal the other human and some ponies armed with oddly-shaped speakers. Taylor gave them a mocking salute as they saw him, burned and blistered, but still very much alive. Two of the noise troopers bound Chysalis in chains before anything could be said, and the changeling gave no resistance. Taylor was helped to his feet as a white unicorn attempted to pick up the Bubble with her magic, only to have the masked human grab it instead. The burned man looked to his uniformed comrade, and in the kindest voice h could muster, made an innocent request.

“Get me to a goddamned medic.”

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I was rushed to a hospital, one of the few buildings that had gone undamaged in the battle, and been immediately treated for my injuries. The ponies had a salve they put on my burns that sped cellular regeneration, but itched like hell under the bandages. Thankfully, the balm would prevent most of the scarring, but that didn't mean infection wasn't possible, so they weren't allowing visitors just yet. I was relieved that everything had gone relatively well, with only a dozen deaths on our side, mostly just aged hearts giving out, but the losses would be easy to recover from. Shit, was that really how I was looking at this? Death and destruction, hundreds of ponies were homeless, and I was focusing on numbers?

Numbers and whatever secret Chrysalis had up her metaphorical sleeve. Deceiver, that's what she called me, and it implied religious or cultural significance, further study would be required. My nurse had dropped off a message from Celestia that I would have all the time in the world to interrogate the queen, she would be receiving a life sentence, as would the dozen or so of her brood that still lived. The princess had also taken the liberty of letting Trixie and Lyra know that I was okay, and they would likely be the very first two ponies I saw that weren't medical staff after I'm allowed visitors.

I had a busy week ahead of me, and things would only get worse from there.

Keep Calm and Kill Time

Being laid up in a hospital sucks, and it had been two days since the Battle for Canterlot had ended. The doctors still wouldn't let me have visitors, so most of my entertainment come in the form of mental exercise. For me, that daydreaming, and I’d lose about four hours at a time to idle fantasy. Anything that would take my mind off the itching would help, though, so I was grateful for that. The slave the nurses applied every six hours helped heal me, and the worst burns had been downgraded, but there would still be permanent scarring over my arms and parts of my chest and back. At the moment, I was considering the possibility of finding technology from spacefaring species that may have inadvertently jumped to Equestria. Sadly, a rapping on my door interrupted my thoughts. It was my nurse, dubbed Nurse Coldheart, though she was a very friendly mare.

“How are you feeling today?” The yellowish earth pony had been nothing but kind to me, though suppose that my arrival had everything to do with it. For the first few hours of my stay, I had been little more than a pile of soiled bandages and barely lucid human, it went without saying that a healer's first instincts overrode the prey response felt by most ponies upon their first encounter with our kind. Actually, it was usually nothing more than an added bit of nervousness.

“About the same as yesterday, but no pain.” That only referred to the deeper damage I had suffered, minor fractures and lacerations from shrapnel, but my skin was notoriously sensitive. Granted, I had played with fire like most other male children, and the fascination with flame had resulted in pain on several occasions, but I had never been lit from head to toe. “That balm is working miracles.”

“Glad to hear it.” I'm not quite sure if the nurse understood that I wanted out as soon as possible, or that my politeness was sarcastic. In the two months or so Jay and I had been in Equestria, the colorful ponies hadn't really grasped human sarcasm, and mine could very subtle. “Well, since you're gaining momentum, I think you can handle some company.”

“Can Trixie come in now?”

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“Just a temporary relocation, it should be quite simple.” Princess Celestia was making an offer to move Jay and Taylor, along with Trixie and the Elements to Canterlot for an undetermined period of time. This was both a relief effort and a defensive measure, the two teens were practically heroes in the capital, and the six Bearers went without saying.

“I have a little too much going on for me in Ponyville to just pack up and move.” That was a blatant lie. In truth, the flautist had spent the previous two months working at Sweet Apple Acres, it was the best kind of employment, but the rural job had grown stale and he'd seen enough of the Apple family to last a lifetime. “You're going to have to make it worth my time.”

“Jay, be reasonable.” Princess Luna had been awake for the past twenty hours, and was in no mood to deal with the stubborn human. The dark blue alicorn was fully aware that he was lying through his teeth, Applejack had been able to agree, and the Element of Honesty had informed the princesses that the flautist did almost nothing outside of work.

“I'm only asking to be payed, maybe stay in a nice suite in a fancy hotel, but that's it.” Actually, Jay was just dragging at the end, the money was what he wanted. Even then, he barely cared about being compensated for his time, his necessities were being provided by the crown, so everything else was just for luxury.

“Fine, stay in Ponyville, and all of your friends will be here.”

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“You look like a pile of melted rubber.” Trixie wasn't aware of the details, classified information and all that, but she knew that I had indeed been burned alive.

“Gee, thanks for the sympathy, Trix.” I started re-wrapping bandages on my arm, fresh ones of course, the soiled roll was in the trash. The blue unicorn looked a little ashamed of herself, and I felt sorry for her, I know how I would feel if the person that saved my life had been severely injured. Not to mention the insulting remark, but that was just something the showmare did without thinking. Nevermind that, I wasn't offended, and she new it.

“If I'd been here I could have helped.” Was she experiencing survivor's guilt with someone who was still very much alive?

“Hey, I lit myself up, don't blame anyone but me for that idea.” Not my proudest moment, but it would have been a badass way to go. The blue pony lunged forward and hugged me, keep in mind that my flesh was still very exposed underneath the layer of gauze, so you can imagine what it felt like to have someone squeeze me. With a pained squeak from me, Trixie relinquished her grip.

“Sorry.” The magician was treating me like I was made of glass, even if it was more than obvious that I was now our group's designated tank. We sat in silence for a bit, enjoying the company and lack of boredom, but still appreciating the quietness of the situation. Visiting hours would end soon, and I would be alone until my discharge tomorrow. This left me with some serious time to think, and I'm not quite certain I like where they would go. Of course, there was one thing I needed to know before Trixie and I parted ways.

“Trix, would like to fire a laser cannon?”

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Extra – Legally Distinct With Ninety Percent More Friendship.
Two months in Equestria, give or take a few days.

“Incoming!” Pinkie ducked behind a low wall as she clutched her weapon to her chest. As Gunner, it was up to her to provide the backbone of any defense or assault, and her Magigun would lead Yellow Team to victory. A sparkball erupted from her previous location, Taylor was the Purple Team's Commando, and was damned accurate with his Sparklauncher. Just as the purple-clad teen rushed the low wall, a lavender beam of light struck his forehead, and he vanished to the Purple Spawn.

Thirty Seconds Remaining! The Princess Celestia's voice echoed from many hidden speakers, so she sounded like she was everywhere at once. Given the number of camera's in the area, she practically was.

“We got an Infiltrator!” Rainbow Dash was referring to Chrysalis, Purple's expert in stealth and espionage. She was able to disguise herself as anypony she wanted, which made her both the easiest and most difficult enemy to defeat. The Element of Loyalty point to Rarity, Yellow's own Infiltrator, and the white pony looked guilty as Pinkie's Magigun rounds teleported her back to Spawn. The Element of Laughter barely had time to notice the Spawn flash was yellow that same flash blocked her eyes.

“You, too?” Dash looked more than agitated that Jay had sprayed Rainfire all over her, in fact, she was loading her Spraysling with new rounds. Purple magic erupted over the weapon as it vanished from existence, the two ponies knew all too well what that meant.

Victory!

In a wave of purple cloth, Yellow Team experienced the Walk of Defeat.

Remember How I Used to do a lot of Polls?

Queen Chrysalis was locked away in Canterlot Castle's dungeon for three days, her legs were chained to the floor and an iron ring was clasped around her horn. Queen may have been a stretch, only twelve of her brood remained from the hundreds that had invaded, but her mission had been accomplished in full. The Grand Matron had chosen her to place the pieces, and the two humans had unknowingly started the chain. This was a positive change of all of Equus, with the Deceiver's ancient technology everypony would benefit, and peace would reign. Ancient depictions of the Deceiver's weaponry had shown a vehicle not unlike the hulking war machine that could have easily ended her existence, and its owner had put it to use on many occasions.

Changeling lore credited a biped with teaching their species deception and stealth tens of thousands of years ago, when all races of ponies diverged from the original proto-equine. As the tale went, a comet landed it what was now called the Badlands and carried with it a powerful warrior and charismatic leader. The ancient fighter had contributed so much, even the structure of changeling hives and their unnoticeable feeding tactics. The only real difference between the Deceiver and the two humans was the ability to wield magic, which Jay and Taylor seemed to actively resist in all forms. Pony magic shorted out around them, though changeling magic was still seventy percent as effective, and records had shown that all humans from Jay and Taylor's home universe shared that unique trait, perhaps every member of their kind shared the unusual gift.

As the queen's stomach reminded her of how little she had actually eaten, the changeling couldn't help but regard the bland food with distaste, she would only eat the bare minimum for her carapace to heal. Chrysalis nudged an apple with her muzzle as she thought of her mother's words on the apes, the Grand Matron had a certain way with language. They pop up from time to time, sometimes from the Deceiver's home, sometime from a world of peace, sometimes from a planet ravaged by eternal war, but they always bring change with them. That had been the Matron's most recent speech to her twenty daughters, all of whom were queens themselves, with Chrysalis being the youngest at only eighty years of age, barely more than a teenager when compared to her centuries-long lifespan. The youngest to try and fulfill a prophecy, and the youngest to lose her hive to battle, few things went the young queen's way it seemed.

“Knock knock.” Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Taylor was wrapped in bandages, they covered his arms and most of his hands, but it left his fingers exposed to perform delicate tasks. Only a few burns still extended past his chest, wispy tendrils of paler flesh snaked around his neck like a perverse pattern of tattoos. Almost on instinct, the queen's eyes darted to the pistol resting in a shoulder holster, she didn't want to know what that felt like.

“I wasn't expecting you so soon.” Chrysalis was actually starved for company, as odd as it was for the emotional vampire, she kind of missed social activity. Not that Taylor was an enjoyable person to be around, but he was still better than the stoic guardsponies that kept watch over the fallen monarch. “I would have brought out the good silverware if you had sent ahead.”

“You know why I'm here.” Okay, so he wasn't in the mood for games, that was somewhat frightening to the broodmother. The human slipped into the cell with a folding chair in hand, which he quickly slipped open before closing the door behind him. “The sooner you start talking, the sooner I can help you.”

“I still won't be allowed to leave Equestria or start another hive.” Neither of those actually concerned the insectoid mare; to her mother and sisters, she was already dead. There wasn't much the ponies could offer that interested the relatively young queen.

“What's it going to take for us to make a deal?”

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Jay tightened the wrench on his newest and only invention, forged from his own blood and sweat. Crafted from a scuba tank, rubber hose, oven pilot light, and some metal piping, it was the finest flamethrower he had ever seen. Ever since the invasion, the flautist had an odd affiliation for incendiary weapons, and this was no different. Finally, he understood how one could have a muse without needing an instrument to play, but creative talent still required an outlet. He gave one final pull to close the seal, and only succeeded in breaking it, sending the slim fuel tank rocketing out of the room.

“Watch it!” Rainbow Dash ducked her head inside the human's workshop, her mane was messier than usual, which was likely from the passing missile. It didn't help that the two hadn't exactly met on the best of circumstances, words and actions that shouldn't have been exchanged were knocked between them. Rape dungeon had been said more than once, along with the implication that the Element of Loyalty was a pedophile.

“Not my fault you keep getting in my way.” Jay started to grumble under his breath after that, already occupied with removing the broken seal and replacing the fuel tank. Few things could rouse a human from the task at hand, so Dash felt it would be a wonderful time to look at the teen's odd invention. She was familiar with the species' ingenuity, Taylor had actually repaired many of the gadgets around Ponyville, but she had never witnessed the act of creation firsthoof. The flautist wrapped a small hose leak with duct tape before giving the trigger a gentle squeeze. Nothing perceivable happened, but it seemed to please the pyromaniac greatly. With the flick of a switch, the pilot light blazed to life, and the human smiled with manic glee.

A gout of flame erupted from the weapon's tip.

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Extra – Trixie Fires a Laser Cannon
Two months in Equestria, give or take a few days.

“Alright, just look at the view screen and let the targeting computer do the work.” I guided the blue pony's hoof to the control stick, apparently the Imperial guard kicked it old school. When the reticule was over the burned-out car husk, Trixie pressed the trigger button. A satisfying crack resonated within Leviathan's cabin, and the car chassis exploded in a cloud of dust.

“That was awesome!” The showmare put her hooves in the air in a victorious pose, but she unknowingly touched the commander's tread controls, which I had thankfully locked as a precaution. That didn't stop the heavy bolters from firing, and the sounds of gunshots sent both of us sprawling to the floor. In humor that only existed in bad sitcoms and movies, my flailing foot trigger the Mega Battle Cannon. The high-caliber ballistic shell fired without a hitch, which was the good news. The bad news, however, was that one of the castle's towers was now collapsing into rubble.

“We should probably fix that.” Sadly, I'm not a mason of any sort, so stonework was a bit beyond my hands' skill. I looked at Trixie, hoping she had some sort of solution for the accident, or maybe some scheme to get the whole thing blamed on the battle. “You ever figure out chronomancy?”

“Time magic is just an old pony's tale.” My thoughts traveled to the odd array of characters I had come across in my stay in Equestria, and the Doctor seemed like more than a fitting subject.

“But you could still use technology to propel yourself across time and space.” The blue pony cocked her head at me in confusion, I could tell that most of what I had said had gone over the top of her head. Then, she gave me a harsh look that she reserved for when I said something she found offensive. “Hey, don't give me that look, I only broke the laws of physics and tore the universe a new asshole.”

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Extra – War Games and Fancy Headgear
Two Months in Equestria

“Flamer comin' over the ridge!” Applejack was Yellow Team's Mechanic, and her Apple Turret was helping up her damage output, but was almost useless against Jay's Rainfire attacks. A lavender bolt from Twilight, the Yellow Hitman, impacted the teen's forehead, and sent him back to Purple Spawn. “Runner, take the point!”

“On it!” Dash ran out from behind a destroyed wall and galloped as hard as she could to the purple pillar of light that was their final objective. A light blue beam of light impacted just under her temple as the pegasus was sent back to Spawn, Purple Hitman Trixie was dominating the polychromatic pony!

“Too bad you couldn't outrun magic.” The magician smiled in sadistic joy as she reloaded her Huntersnipes, Trixie felt the training exercises were Celestia's best idea in the history of good ideas. The showmare looked down her scope and tried to find her next target, the Infiltrator that had knifed Chrysalis in the back. “Where are you, you Canterlot wannabe?”

“Right behind you.”

Across the map, Commandos Taylor and Shining Armor faced off in a battle of Scattershot blasts. Bits of concrete flew from the magical impacts, both of their HUDs indicated Point Beta was being taken by Yellow, with only a few millimeters until the round was over. A yellow wave of light slithered from behind a wrecked vehicle and enveloped the unicorn Commando. A well-placed Scatter blast sent Taylor back to Spawn, but he heard one last message before being teleported.

Victory!

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For an added challenge, you guys decide what Chrysalis' metaphorical price is.
I will write in whatever gets the most votes.
Anything that could make sense in this story will be accepted, so you have plenty of wiggle room.

All Work and no Play

“What's it going to take for us to make a deal?” I looked at the captured hivemother in apprehension, I wasn't afraid of her but there was a lingering feeling of dread that surrounded her. Our eyes were locked, both of us obviously thought the situation was too important to waste energy on pointless tasks. The queen seemed to chew on the inside of her cheek, mulling over her options. Barring freedom and the right to create more drones, there was very little I couldn't give her in exchange for her information.

“I want you and Jay.” What? No, seriously, fucking what? Of everything she could have asked for, she picked an indeterminate bribe and left it to me to figure her meaning.

“Explain.” I'm an intellectual, but the inner machinations of the female brain remained an enigma. Chrysalis giggled for a bit, overjoyed by my perceived ignorance, and I’m not quite sure I wanted to know her meaning. That being said, there weren't many possibilities at that point.

“If I can't start a new hive, then my daughter can.” I had understood her desire to reproduce, she was an insect queen after all, but I still failed to see how either Jay or I fit into her scheme. The broodmother must have picked up on my thoughts, though the iron clamp on her horn prevented her from using any active magics. A sultry smile spread across the fallen mother's face, and she leaned towards me. “If a queen's egg goes unfertilized, it becomes a drone; if she is impregnated by a male of any mammalian species native to Equestria, then it is a warrior; if the sire was a reptile like a dragon or wyvern, it becomes a member of its mother's honor guard.”

“You still haven't done as I've said.” I was beginning to tire of her games, my breakfast was getting cold and I was in no mood for her shit. “Unlike my authority, my patience has its limits, so make it quick.”

“Haven't I spelled it out for you?” Chrysalis cocked her head to the side, the same salacious expression on her face somehow managed to convey confusion. She walked as close to me as her bindings would allow, and I practically recoiled in disgust. “If an egg is fertilized by a human, it becomes a queen.” Now I saw how it was, how she was going to circumvent the rules laid down by Celestia, and snag Jay or myself in her tangled web.

“No.” The queen sputtered and looked at me in shock; either she had been serious, or she was hoping my response would have been more animated. I adjusted the wrappings on my arm nonchalantly, allowing the changeling to come down from her jostled throne.

“But why? You don't lose anything, and I could always use Jay.” She pointed a holed hoof in my direction, like she was accusing me of something. She must have forgotten that I was the inquisitor in the room, not her.

“Think of something else.” Honestly, it was like talking to a spoiled child that wasn't allowed the shiny toy she wanted. The cockblocked broodmother thought for a few moments, and I was left thinking that she was set on this solution.

“Just have me released into your custody.” Clever girl, but I doubt she knew that I was staying in Canterlot for the next few weeks. If so, she was in for a surprise when the guards moved her to a suite that adjoined to mine. Or maybe she was counting on it, I wouldn't put it past her. Either way, I knocked on the cell door twice, and a sheet of paper slid though the crack above the floor. With a few quick motions, my signature was written across the designated line, and passed to the guards outside.

“We'll have you moved out within the hour.”

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“So, how are we going to move this?” Jay was looking at Leviathan like it was a puzzle, the massive war machine would prove to be such until he devised a plan to lower it to the streets.

“It's way too heavy for me to move.” Twilight had given it her best, but the tank weighed over seven-hundred-thousand pounds, and only Celestia or Luna had any hope of moving it. Unfortunately, both princesses were indisposed, too busy recovering from the invasion to help move the titanic vehicle. “But I did see how Taylor drove it.”

“We're going to pilot this thing?” Rainbow Dash looked at the war-scarred, steel beast like a mighty steed ready to be tamed. The golden, two-headed eagle almost challenged the polychromatic mare with its silent disgust at all things inhuman. “Sweet.”

“Ah think we should wait 'til Taylor gets back, he's already moved it before.” Applejack was often the group's voice of reason when it came to commonsense decisions. No offense to Twilight, but book smarts didn't always equate to decisiveness.

“Moved what?” The burned human strolled into the ceremonial hall like nothing had ever happened, wearing only pants and a layer of bandages for a long-sleeved shirt. Much more surprising was the length of heavy chain that trailed behind him, leading to none other than a horn-shackled Queen Chrysalis. The three Elements and human jumped into action, and two sonic weapons were leveled at the changeling, who quickly ducked behind her captor. The burned teen held up a hand to stop the soon to erupt slaughter.

“Relax, she's with us now.” Jay only aimed for his friend instead of the bug hiding behind him, thinking he was under the changeling's influence.

“He's telling the truth.” Captain Aegis of the Nightguard waltzed into the ceremonial chamber just as casually as Taylor, being off duty was a very relaxing thing for the pegasus veteran, and he had been the one to give approval of the inquisitor's actions. “I signed the release papers personally, she's in your hands now.”

“Well, that escalated quickly.” Jay looked at the still cowering queen and his bored friend, thinking of all the different ways the situation could come back to bite him in the ass. That was, until he realized something very important.

“Why does Taylor get a cool title but I don't?”

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“So, how are we going to do this?” Chrysalis looked at me over the small table in my suite, the iron clasp still firmly blocking her magic and preventing her from causing any harm to me or the surrounding area.

“Just start talking, everything either of us say is being recorded.” I gestured to a levitating quill, propelled by a scribe's unique spell. It would capture everything either of us said, even our tine of voice, so long as I didn't touch it until the questioning was over. “Just anything you feel comfortable saying.”

“Like I have a choice.” The changeling broodmother gave me a mirthless chuckle, clearly unamused by her current predicament. We looked at each other for a few minutes, sizing up the possibilities the other could present. “Pick where to start.”

“How about the Deceiver you kept going on about.”

Adam Sandler is Always the Love Interest, Regardless of What Role he's Playing.

“It started tens of thousands of years ago; ponies, zebras, changelings, everything with hooves is a descendant of the original proto-equines that once roamed Equus.” Chrysalis rattled off her words like the beginning to an evolutionary biology lecture, something I was quite pleased by. The bound queen seemed to take notice, and a small nod passed between us as understanding took root. “With the advancement into intelligence came the inevitable rise of true war.”

“And this war brought the Deceiver to Equus?” Such an odd name for a planet, but Earth isn't really much better, I suppose. My question was legitimate in my own mind, and it was possible that any armed conflict involving the equines of this world would product magical fallout. Such interference and abundance of radiation may have contributed to the vast number of objects from across multiple universes appearing in the land.

“Not quite, but the changelings do credit him to the survival of our relatively young race.” Something didn't quite add up to me about that statement.

“Battle sparked mutation in your kind?” It was absurd, but I suppose stranger things had happened in our own history. The broodmother seemed to understand her mistake, and quickly corrected herself.

“We didn't actually start fighting until after the racial differentiation occurred.” That made much more sense, and Chrysalis took my approving nod as encouragement to continue. “And the Deceiver didn't show up until we had our backs against a wall.” At that point, the insectoid mare seemed to fly back to her own childhood, when she was first told the tale. It was something odd, I mean the sharing of two cultures, not the reliving the past thing. “His magic tossed our enemies aside and helped us carve out the Badlands as our own territory.”

“Hold up, you're telling me this guy had magic?” It was unlikely, unless he was from a universe that had magical humans or advanced technology that could easily be confused for sorcery. That narrowed it down to psionics and psykers from various bits of fiction, maybe toss in biotics for good measure, but I had a base to begin my investigation. That wasn't even counting wizards and shit.

“You're talking to an emotional vampire that can shift her form into whatever she wishes, and you draw the line at human magic?” While she raised a good point, I wasn't about to tell her so. Of course, she knew that I thought she both started and ended a debate with one sentence, so there wasn't really a point of denying besides keeping her from hearing me actually say it.

“Let's move on.” The quill had filled up about half a page, and it would have been able to fit much more had it not copied our tones of voice and added its own context where needed. Stupid thing, any voice recognition software could do its job without most of the hassle, but it would be just perfect if we had digital recorders instead. “What does the Deceiver have to do with the invasion?”

“He's been dead for longer than Celestia has been alive, even one as wise as the Deceiver couldn't foresee last week's events.” I have no way of knowing is the changeling was lying, she was a born illusionist and would be rather difficult to peg with anything. “The Grand Matron tasked me with the mission.”

“I'm sorry, who?” The fuck was she talking about? First the Deceiver and now someone with a title that just screams megalomaniacal cunt comes out of the woodwork.

“My mother, as well as the mother of the other nineteen queens that comprise the Swarm.” Twenty powerful beings under the leadership of a single person that had given rise to them, and was likely the most powerful of any changeling to currently walk the planet? That sounds oddly familiar... “I was given the all-important mission of setting the Deceiver's final prophecy in motion.”

“Let me guess, some bullshit about the changelings rising up and ruling Equus, and the Deceiver and his fellow men would lead the world into a new era of peace?” That was a little something I liked to call Standard Villain Plan #2 (aka the Scar Initiative).

“Actually, the Deceiver knew that more humans would come to Equus, and he knew that everything must be brought to light for this world to truly have peace.” She wasn't talking about the tense time between rival nations that never resulted in bloodshed, but actual peace. As much as I like the sound of utopia, many men had made the same claims in the past. “When our Swarm was powerful enough, a hive was to be sent out on a suicide mission, the warlike humans would be drawn to the Badlands for revenge.”

“And suddenly the Deceiver's technology is in human hands and it's up to them to protect everybody from themselves.” Chrysalis' eye bugged out a bit, almost like she didn't expect me to put the pieces together. Then again, I could have also been completely wrong about everything.

“Well, it he was more about helping others to achieve peace, rather than ruling over them.”

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Pinkie Pie was having a rather odd day, by Pinkie Standards, anyway. It was also night, but she was till referring to it as day for some reason, but that was beside the point. Jay had a new flamethrower, and Taylor had found somepony he could truly test himself against, but there had been littl involvement for the pink party pony. Even in the earlier days of their stay in Equestria, neither of them was too keen on attending their own Welcome-to-Ponyville Party. But, in time, Pinkie understood that they weren't from Equus, and therefore very unlikely to enjoy the local customs.

So, Pinkie brought a bit of human culture to Ponyville. The fifth surprise party she planned to welcome the two teens with was held inside Twilight's library, and she had done enough to cater to both of their needs. As soon as the Taylor stepped inside, a massive, green stallion charged the teen. Waaagh! Pinkie could still hear the fake battlecry the colt had shouted, she could also recall the strange anger that had come over the larger human. After dousing the berserk ape in frosting, it was easy to bring him around.

Jay had arrived half an hour later, and had been much harder to prepare for. Musical instruments seemed to be the best option, and Taylor had provided the ideas for clarinets. Apparently Jay hated clarinets and those that played them. It went without saying that the flautist hadn't enjoyed the notion, and there had been more than a few harsh words said over the fiasco. Followed by drinking punch and lots of laughter, so Pinkie had chalked it up to one of the many discrepancies in human and pony culture, and she loved it.

Which brought her to today, and the odd absence of both teens from, well, everywhere. Taylor was off somewhere inquiring or whatever the princesses had him doing, and Jay just about fell off the map. Pinkamena Diane Pie sighed in frustration, which was very out of character for her, but it wasn't like anything that happened was how it was meant to be. With universe so out of order, it was odd to keep tack of everything and everypony Pinkie was responsible for, and that included Equestria's newest humans.

Pinkie wondered if there was even a plot to follow.