Family Matters

by Kaf_Kraked_Poni

Chapter 1: Family Matters

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As the celestial sun dawned over the particularly homey dwelling of the Apple Farm, a great shout of joy could be heard echoing across the field. The morning cock cried upon the sight of first light, setting the stage for the beginning of the new day.

“Wow, I didn’t know you could go for so long, Big Mac,” Pinkie Pie giggled, resting on the cool dining table in the kitchen.

“Eeyup,” the red stallion affirmed, sitting on the opposite end, smiling at his cousin with a piece of straw wedged between his teeth.

“If there’s one thing I admire about you Apples, it’s that you really know how to take control in a messy situation.”

“Well, Pinkie Pie,” Big Macintosh chuckled, “I didn’t know you could get so dirty. Made it awful hard to keep things running smoothly.”

“Oh Mac, we’re all wild animals,” she giggled. “Some of us are just more wild than others!”

“What are you two smiling about?” Applejack said from the doorway, rubbing her eyes. “I could hear ya’ll all the way upstairs! There was a ton of clatter.”

“Uh… Nope,” Big Mac quickly said, averting his eyes.

“Don’t be bashful, Mac,” Pinkie called, turning his face back towards Applejack. “Let’s tell her what we did!”

“What did ya’ll do?”

“Well, I was just lounging around, trying to figure out what to make for breakfast, because I wanted to tell you something really really cool, and then Macky here comes on in and offers to help,” Pinkie explained.

“So what, were ya’ll singin’ a song or something?” Applejack asked, trotting over to the fridge. She began pouring herself a glass of apple juice while listening.

“Probably not the best thing to be talkin’ about up front,” Big Mac interrupted, but Pinkie continued, pushing him back.

“So we thought about what we could do, you know, and while we were thinking, he got all excited and started pounding my buns!”

Big Mac neighed in denial, but Applejack had already spewed the contents of her mouth all over the floor. She choked on some residual juice and turned around to face the two ponies in the room.

“I-I beg your pardon?!”

“Big Macintosh! He pounded my buns. Kneaded the dough in all the right places, if ya know what I mean. The directions tell you to massage gently, but I don’t think Big Mac can with those hooves.”

“What the hay is she goin’ on about?!” Applejack yelled at her older brother. Big Mac sat at the table, sweating bullets and shaking his head back and forth.

“Pinkie Pie, you-”

“Are you serious right now? Is this how you look at your family members, Big Mac?!” Applejack’s face contorted in a mixture of disgust and disappointment.

“Oh, oh, that’s not even the best part!” Pinkie said, drawing Applejack’s attention again.

“Pinkie Pie, I think you-” the stallion began, but was quickly drowned out by the louder mare.

“You should’ve seen the way we mixed everything together,” she continued.

Applejack hesitantly asked, “m-mixed what… together?”

“Well, after a little preparation, he took his big long stick and shoved it into my bowl. I was on the table at the time, because there was no room for us both on the counter.”

“What in tarnation are ya’ll thinking?! Doing such lewd things with each other?!” Applejack fumed.

“Pinkie Pie is-”

“Family!” she finished for her brother. “And even if she weren’t she’s still my friend, an’ I don’t mind what ya’ll would’ve liked to do in yer spare time, but there’s a time and a place Big Mac!”

“Oh my gosh, the time!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“What time?!” Applejack brayed in her direction. “Time for you to start explaining yourself?”

“No, the time it takes to make the frosting. It varies with each tube.”

“You… you don’t mean…?”

“Oh yeah, I do mean. You know the instructions say you gotta press and squeeze it just right so that the contents come out all creamy like,” Pinkie sighed, licking her lips. “It’s all about working the shaft!”

Big Macintosh fell out of his chair.

“Please tell me ya’ll were just baking a cake…” Applejack pleaded with Pinkie. She grabbed her by the chest and pulled her close to her face. “Tell me… ya’ll were just making breakfast confections.”

“What’s goin’ on?” another voice chimed in from the hallway. “I was trying to sleep in today. Why are ya’ll being so loud?”

“Oh, Apple Bloom,” Pinkie Pie cheered. “You’re just in time to hear how me and your brother have been making babies.”

Big Macintosh let out a whiny, falling backwards onto the floor. Applejack stared at Pinkie, mouth gaped open, and yet, speechless.

“H-how do ya’ll make babies?” Apple Bloom suddenly asked, breaking the silence.

“Well, first you gotta combine-”

“NO!” Applejack shouted, getting over her shock. “Apple Bloom, you need to leave.”

“But I haven’t had breakfast yet!”

“I said, ‘LEAVE,’” Applejack yelled. She began pushing her little sister out of the kitchen.

“Wait! I want my breakfast! And I wanna know how to make babies! Maybe I can get my cutie mark in making babies!”

“Oddly specific,” Pinkie Pie mused.

“Okay, that’s it,” Applejack shouted, confronting Pinkie. “At first I thought maybe ya’ll were just pullin’ my leg,” she began.

“Oh, speaking of pulling-”

“Quiet!” Applejack scolded. Pinkie closed her mouth and folded her ears back. “I thought perhaps you were just trying to be funny, so I gave ya’ll the benefit of the doubt. But here it is, straight from the horse’s mouth. Ya’ll are making babies... In the kitchen?!”

“Well, where else would you make them? I can’t think of a better place to spread out all of your junk,” Pinkie replied. Big Mac fainted again.

“Pinkie Pie, that’s just not right! That’s sick and… just plain wrong!”

“Hey, who are you to tell me what I do is wrong?” Pinkie argued back, poking her friend.

“We don’t do things quite like that around here, Pinkie Pie. I can’t even imagine why you would want to do such a thing with my brother.”

“I’m sorry,” Pinkie said, folding her ears back. “Did you want a turn with Big Mac?”

“That’s it! Pinkie Pie, you need to get out!”

“Get out?! But I haven’t finished my story. What happened to being family and sticking together no matter what?”

“I think you’ve had enough stickin’ together for one day. I’m emotionally scarred right now.” Applejack moaned, rubbing her temples.

“Applejack, why can’t you understand that what me and Mac did is our decision? Together? Sure he can get in the way sometimes, but he’s a great partner!”

“I won’t have you talking about any of my siblings like that, so get out!” Applejack shouted again. Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened, and she peered over to Big Macintosh who was standing in the corner, afraid to move.

“Just… one more thing,” Pinkie chuckled nervously.

“What?” Applejack growled slowly. The egg timer on the counter went off just then, prompting Pinkie Pie to zip over to the oven.

“Mmm… They’re done!”

“What’s done?” Applejack gulped, backing away slowly now. She looked over to Big Mac, who was sitting in a pool of his own sweat and shaking vigorously.

“Applejack, have you never had a Dutch Baby before?”

Pinkie’s question came more as a shock than a revelation. For a moment, Applejack didn’t know how to respond. She sat down, staring at Pinkie who had this quizzical look on her face and then back to Big Mac who was still shaking.

“Dutch… Baby? As in, the pancake?”

“No, silly, it’s not a pancake. That’s a common misconception. You want one?” Applejack did not respond. “Ooh, I need to go get Applebloom so I can give her some! That is, unless you still want me to leave...”

“I... Err, I mean… But you… Ahh… I-I guess you can go get… Applebloom,” Applejack stuttered. Pinkie displayed a giant smile and bolted off, leaving Applejack in the middle of the kitchen alongside her older brother. Big Mac seemed to have calmed down now, seating himself back at the table.

“Big Macintosh, were ya’ll making those things this morning?”

“Eeyup,” he replied.

“Ya’ll were making… Dutch Babies for breakfast?

“Eeyup,” he replied.

“Well why did ya’ll act so suspicious over somethin’ like that?”

“Because I knew if you found out we used your special applesauce, you’d have my hide,” he responded.

“You used some of my applesauce?”

“Pinkie Pie said it would taste better with some applesauce.” Applejack glared at her brother and sighed.

“Mac, don’t be ridiculous, I wouldn’t have gotten upset. Now look, you made me worry over nothing. I shoulda known with Pinkie Pie… Oh well, glad we’ve taken care of that.”

“...And so, you let it sit for a while, and they come out all nice and warm!” Pinkie’s voice carried in from the other room.

“I had no idea,” Apple Bloom said, jumping on her seat. “Eww, why’s my chair all wet?”

“Pinkie Pie,” Applejack said, placing her hoof over the pink pony. “I’m sorry for yellin’ at ya earlier. I guess I let my mind wander, and it kinda fell into the gutter. It’s uh… still a bit early for some cognitive thinkin’.”

“That’s not good,” her friend replied, feeling her forehead. “I hope it heals soon.”

“Right… Well, I’ll be willing to try one of them Dutch Babies then,” Applejack said, motioning over to the cupboard. “I hear they go great with some apples!”

“Fresh apples would be a lot better, sis,” Apple Bloom chimed in.

“You know, you’re right,” she said, grabbing an empty basket instead. “I’ll be right back. Don’t ya’ll start eating till I get back.” With that, Applejack trotted out of the kitchen and towards the front door. “Oh, mornin’ Granny Smith.” The wrinkled old mare made her way carefully downstairs, smiling at her granddaughter.

“Good mornin’, my little sunshine. Off ta pick up some fresh apples eh?” Granny Smith asked.

“Eeyup, they’re going to go great with the Dutch Babies that Pinkie Pie made.”

“Oh, she made some other kind of baby now, did she?” Applejack raised a brow. “Oh now go on, child, I don’t wanna keep ya waiting. And we’re waiting on them apples too!” Granny made her way to the kitchen as Applejack bolted off.

“Hey, Granny Smith!” Pinkie Pie greeted.

“Hello, child,” she returned, placing her flank at her side of the table. “Quite a way to break the news I’d say.” Big Mac choked on something in his throat. “Back in my day we never sugar-coated any of that stuff.”

“Tell me about it,” Pinkie replied. “I was just trying to let her know about how we were planning on telling her about the baby, and while we were thinking, Big Mac and I decided to have a little fun, thus giving me the idea to bake Dutch Babies for breakfast to tell Applejack about the thing I wanted to tell her, which was the baby, but she flipped! I didn’t even get to tell her its name.”

“What baby?” Apple Bloom asked.

“I suppose you still have the rest of the day to break the news to her,” Granny Smith said. “There are plenty of other things ‘round this farm that can be used as parallels for gettin’ it on.”

“Getting what on?” Apple Bloom asked, teetering in her chair.

“Oh, Mac, you still got some applesauce on you,” Pinkie giggled, sliding over to the stallion. “Let cousin Pinkie Pie take care of that for you.”

Author's Notes:

Probably the closest I'll ever get to writing Clop, so don't get too excited :trollestia: about this. I was bored, hyped up on caffeine, and have a 12 page essay to write on criminological theories....

I had to get this out or I wouldn't be able to get it done.

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