Twilight Is Doomed

by Akumokagetsu

Chapter 1: In Which Twilight Most Certainly Does Not Require Help


Twilight Sparkle was a unicorn of great renown.

There were few foes that Twilight Sparkle could not either outwit or defeat, and she prided herself on her capacity to work through problems even without the assistance of her friends.

It was this very sense of pride which coursed through her veins, and which ached just a little bit at her current predicament.

Struggling with a grunt, Twilight pulled the sticky tape from one hoof directly to the other, incapable of freeing herself from its wicked, tacky grasp.

A clever foe, to be sure.

The unicorn frowned angrily, slowly lowering her hoof to the table and attempting to peel the tape with the wooden edge. However, all she succeeded in doing was pushing even more of the ball of sticky tape onto her foreleg, and she resisted the urge to slap her hoof against the table in frustration.

Remembering her training that unfortunately had not prepared her for this sort of dangerous encounter, Twilight took a few deep breaths and forced herself to remain calm. It was only sticky tape.

Horrible, evil double sided sticky tape, but sticky tape nonetheless.

She would be victorious.

Focusing, Twilight gently bit her tongue between her teeth and attempted to use her other elbow to force the sticky tape bundle to the table, pushing gently down to remove it from her left hoof. It slowly peeled away from her, and Twilight cheered jubilantly.

Only to discover that the sticky tape was now latched rather firmly to her elbow.

“Oh, for buck’s sake.”

Twilight punched the sticky tape ball with her now free hoof, hitting it hard. The tape-y bundle of doom swung around her foreleg, slapping her viciously in the face.

And that was where it stayed.

“… Ow,” Twilight grumbled, almost positive that her fearsome opponent had just blackened her eye. She grappled the sticky tape with one hoof and used her back leg to free her other front one.

Of course, this only served to leave her completely unbalanced when she found herself incapable of actually removing any of her hooves from the sticky tape.

Twilight swayed perilously on one hoof for a moment, shouting incoherently as she struggled to retain her balance.

Finally, she managed to poise on a single hoof without falling, and she let out a little hard earned sigh of relief.

This lasted only a split second, as Twilight immediately toppled to the ground.

Hissing in agitation, Twilight glowered hatefully at her devious enemy.

Thinking quickly, the unicorn jerked her head backwards and pushed forward with both front hooves, using her one free leg to balance against the table leg and propel herself across the floor.

Somehow, Twilight managed to stick herself firmly to the wall.

“Okay,” Twilight breathed. “Okay, Twilight. You can do this.”

She would have sworn that the evil double sided sticky tape would have cackled maniacally if it could, insisting that, no, she most certainly could not.

So, the evil double sided sticky tape wanted to mock her, did it? Oh, the evil double sided sticky tape would rue the day it challenged Twilight mother-bucking Sparkle!

With a newfound determination, Twilight bit the sticky tape as hard as she could, attempting to tear the monstrous abomination free from her hoof.

Twilight then began spitting in revulsion, because the evil double sided sticky tape had collected filth from the floor, and it tasted terrible. Twilight groaned, a couple of strands of mane lodging themselves against the sticky tape. Obviously, this would only end with one of them going bald, and Twilight refused to volunteer for the position.

“Say, Spike?” Twilight called out, but to no avail. “Care to help me out here? Spike?”

Perhaps the little drake could have burned away the adhesive offender, if only he were around.

With barely contained rage that most definitely could have terrified a fully grown hydra but sadly did nothing to the double sided sticky tape o’ doom, Twilight growled furiously and poured all of her strength into her forehooves, swinging desperately to free herself of the gummy ball.

“Raaaraaaaragh!” Twilight argued with the ball as coherently as she could, refusing to put her tongue back in her mouth lest she should accidentally taste the terrible wrath of the nasty-tasting evil double sided sticky tape. In vain, Twilight hurled her tape coated hooves at the wall, hoping to shed herself of the vile monster by using the wooden walls of the tree/ library as support.

Instead, Twilight stuck herself firmly to the wall.

“I weewhy thou ha thee thi comi,” Twilight spluttered with her tongue lolling out of her mouth. Of course, what she meant to say was ‘I really should have seen this coming,’ but it was doubtful that the evil nasty tasting double sided sticky tape would even have a proper rebuttal, so Twilight didn’t bother rephrasing herself.

She carefully pried one hoof as far left as she could, sticking her other hoof to the ball as leverage so that she was now completely off the floor.

However, this also meant that Twilight now had all hooves trapped in the evil nasty tasting double sided sticky tape, and had no way of freeing herself, no matter how hard she struggled.

And struggle, she did.

Twilight flailed like a fish out of water, even managing to free one hoof. Still, it was the hoof furthest from the floor. Not put off in the slightest, Twilight used this newfound freedom to further scrabble up the wall, attempting to peel herself from the sticky tape by detangling it one limb at a time.

She only managed to pull the rest of herself up the wall like the world’s strangest spider.

Albeit, a very evil, nasty tasting, devious double sided sticky tape spider.

“Uh, Twilight?”

The devastated unicorn paused in her Wriggle of Despair, staring down at the baffled dragon.

“Yeth, Thpike?” Twilight asked inconspicuously.

“… What are you doing?”

“I’m in a figh’ to the death, Thpike,” Twilight explained seriously. “I can’t theem to ge’ mythelf down.”

“… Why don’t you just use magic?”

And thus, Twilight Sparkle was saved by a very small dragon of great renown, and her mighty foe was vanquished.



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