Unplanned Parenthood

by Wintergreen Diaries

Chapter 1: The Foalproof Plan

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Chapter 1: The Foalproof Plan

A rapping on the front door roused Cerulean from his place of rest on the couch, disturbing his nap and causing Twilight to rise as quickly as she was able. She was only a little over a month pregnant, having discovered the fact a mere three days prior, causing a plethora of mixed emotions. On one hoof, she was immensely excited at the prospect of having someone to instruct in the ways of magic the way she had been by Princess Celestia. However, she knew nothing about raising a foal, and in a fit of anxiety she mailed off an order for express delivery of the most venerable parenting books she could find. Thus it was that she greeted Ditzy Doo with unrestrained jubilation, that mail mare panting from having to carry the large box from the post office over to the library.

“Here you go, Twilight! Just sign here,” she said, motioning to the wrong side of the clipboard.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou Ditzy! Ahhh they’re here, they’re finally here!” she squealed, hastily scribbling her initials on the side of the box before lifting it inside with her magic, leaving a thoroughly confused mailmare wondering what to do. With a shrug she scribbled her own initials on the back of the clipboard and took off towards her next destination, humming happily to herself. Twilight was mid way through unwrapping the package when Cerulean drew up beside her. His eyes grew wide with surprise at the sheer number of books that had been crammed inside, his rough estimate being somewhere in the realm of forty or fifty.

“Uh, Twilight? Just how much did this cost?”

“Hmmm? Oh that, I just used the rest of the year’s magic research fund. Don’t even worry about it!” she laughed as she began stacking the books in alphabetical order near the shelves, not having any immediate space to set them up.

“Twilight, that’s like half a years wages, what are those books made out of?” he exclaimed, staring in disbelief.

“Look at this! I had every page laminated so nothing can ever harm them! Not baby drool, or spilled juice or anything! They’re even enchanted, and thus impervious to every element known to Equestria!” she cackled, letting out a loud squeal and clutching a particularly thick volume to her chest. “Ok, now grab a book and get reading. We have a lot to learn if we’re going to be the perfect parents.”

“Twilight, there’s no such thing as perfect parents, you do know that right?” Cerulean commented as he dutifully obeyed, grabbing one of the books and lying next to her.

“Of course not, that’s because I’ve never been one. I’m going to be the first, and our child will be the talk of all Equestria, just you wait and see.” Cerulean held his tongue and spent a good two hours plowing through a good fourth of the book before setting it down with a groan, rubbing his eyes.

“That’s a dense read, almost as bad as the textbooks for Equine History class.”

“Oh, this one?” she replied casually, pulling out an extremely scuffed book that looked like it had been overused to the limit. “I read it once a month. It’s fascinating, isn’t it? I have the whole first half memorized, want to hear it?”

“Hate to squelch your enthusiasm, but I’ll pass, thanks,” he said quickly, standing and waving a hoof. He ignored her pouting and turned towards the kitchen, where Spike was eagerly downing a quart of ice cream. “I have a little proposition for you, Spike,” Cerulean whispered, then winced as Spike fell off the stool he was standing on with a crash. “I won’t tell Twilight you were hogging her favorite ice cream if you give me your honest opinion on something.”

“Sure, anything! Just don’t tell Twilight, I don’t want to get in trouble again,” he instantly replied, nodding vigorously and drawing close.

“Do you think Twilight is crazy? Like actually crazy?”

“Duh, yeah. Trust me, I’ve lived with her for a long time and that mare is totally, completely, bonafide...” he asserted confidently as Cerulean drew a hoof across his throat repeatedly. “What, Cerulean?” He slowly followed Cerulean’s hoof to find Twilight standing in the doorway, having heard the whole conversation.

“So, you think I’m crazy, do you Spike?” she cooed sweetly, and the baby dragon began backing away slowly.

“Twilight, I d-didn’t m-mean it!” he stammered, finding himself cornered as she slowly stalked forward.

“I’ll show you crazy!” she shouted, stamping a hoof and prepping her magic before Spike was hastily teleported out of harms way by Cerulean. The cupboard door however suddenly found new meaning in existence as a rather large foal’s bib, and Twilight slowly turned and gave Cerulean a chilling glare.

“C’mon, Spike, run! There’s no reasoning with her now!” Cerulean said, tossing him out the door and giving chase, making it a good twenty feet before he was forcibly yanked back to the entrance by Twilight, sliding to a stop on his back and looking up at Twilight’s narrowed eyes.

“It was nice knowing you, Cerulean!” Spike shouted over his shoulder.

“Save yourself, young dragon! May we meet again in the next life!” he hollered in return, before dropping silent, studying Twilight’s face in the hopes of gleaning enough information to not jump upon the verbal landmines that swirled through his noggin.

“You have three words to improve my mood,” she stated flatly, impatiently tapping a hoof uncomfortably close to his head.

“Oh, I’m so in for it. What does she want to hear? Think, brain, think! ‘I love you?’ That’s always a good one. ‘I am sorry?’ Don’t think that will cut it,” he thought silently, and an impatient snort from Twilight caused his next thought to slip out as he panicked.

“You’re smokin’ hot!” he shouted before continuing to try and think of a response, not conscious that he had actually spoken already.

“Wrong... answer...” Cerulean was too deep in thought to notice her lean in and touch her horn to his, and as he stared at the sudden change he smiled, assuming she had calmed of her own choosing. Having sifted through his memories she found the desired spell and thrust a hoof into his chest, paralyzing him. While unable to speak or move, his mind was given free reign to freak out as much as it wanted, and it set about the task with gusto. It pushed itself to new limits as Twilight grabbed him with her magic and hurled him into the air, the clouds rushing passed as he made a hasty ascent, before slowing to a stop and returning towards the ground below. Twilight watched with utter indifference, catching him at the last minute before he landed and removing the spell with a tap to his horn, and he immediately scrambled away from the lavender mare.

“Twilight, I could have died! You know what, no, you are insane!” he wailed, searching for sympathy. Twilight’s expression softened as she trotted over and brought her lips close to his, stopping just short.

“Again, wrong answer.” Cerulean found himself once more in the air, the fear returning as he was stopped about ten feet from the ground and then allowed to free fall the rest of the way. He landed in a heap, and as Twilight removed the hex he suddenly found his right side quite peeved with its rough treatment, and as he struggled upright he walked over to Twilight and wrapped his hooves around her, speaking softly in her ear.

“I’m sorry, Twilight. Please forgive me?” It wasn’t fair, the way he could do that, and she begrudgingly relented, returning his embrace and kissing his neck. Of all the things somepony could say, being referred to as irrational in any way grated on her nerves the worst, and doubly so coming from Cerulean.

“I can let it slide this time, I suppose.” She felt the heat rise to her cheeks as he planted a trail of kisses down the back of her neck, the rising temperature melting away all that remained of her frustration. “C’mon, save that for inside, there might be ponies watching.”

“If you insist. Come on, I’ll make you lunch.” Twilight immediately buried her nose in her books as they returned, and Cerulean placed a tray of sliced apples down beside her, grabbing the “textbook” on parenthood and beginning where he had left off. An hour or two passed before he noticed Twilight looking increasingly agitated.

“Is something wrong, Twi?”

“Something wrong? Of course there is! Do you know how many things can go wrong? How many hazards there are for a foal?” Cerulean really didn’t, but looking around the library with books stacked at crazy angles, stairs to fall from and a low oven, he could see how there could be some problems. Still, that was ten months away, so why was she so frantic now?”

“You know, Twilight, the baby isn’t going to be here for a good while yet, so just keep reading for now, ok?” he cautioned gently, nuzzling her as he did so. “We’ll get everything worked out before you come to term, I promise.”

“I don’t wanna wait that long, we should get ready now!” she argued, her eyes darting from hazard to imaginary hazard.

“Twilight? Hey, Twilight!” Cerulean called, waving a hoof in front of her face and snapping her back to reality. “I’ll tell you what, if you finish reading all these books and still feel like we need to get this place foal proofed now, we can try that, ok? But not until you finish this mound.” She nodded and returned to her reading with renewed intensity, breezing through a book per hour. Cerulean was amazed that she could handle all that information, his brain feeling like it was about to ooze out of his ears by early evening. Spike returned humming happily, having escaped a day of cleaning with a belly full of ice cream and returning with nary a reprimand.

“Thanks for the save, Cerulean. Is Twilight ok?” he asked, motioning to the lavender unicorn furiously plowing through the dense text of a massive tome.

“I think she’s over-stressing about the dangers of raising a foal in a library, but she’ll calm down soon enough.”

“Huh, shows how much you know,” Spike muttered out of earshot. It was better for Cerulean to learn by experience, so he kept his mouth shut and said nothing. After much urging Twilight pried herself from the book and came to eat, her eyes spread wide and blinking out of unison.

“Twilight?.. Are you still worrying?”

“Worrying? What’s there to worry about? I’ll tell you what - nothing! Everything’s gonna be just fine,” she sang to herself, her toothy grin extremely disconcerting to both of them. “No foal crushed under mountains of books, no foal cooking themselves, no foal based disasters of any kind will ever transpire, and do you know why? Because I’m only 37.9 books away from being the perfect mother!” She then proceeded to messily devour her meal in record time and resume her reading, not bothering to wipe her face nor noticing the particles of food that dropped onto the disaster resistant pages. Cerulean recalled his previous experience flying and decided to say nothing on the subject, spending the rest of the evening finishing the one book on parenthood he had started earlier, and as the clock struck twelve he drew upon the last chapter, and decided to finish it in the morning. Twilight refused to budge, and with a shrug he went to bed, figuring that even in her addled state she would have enough common sense to get proper rest. He was unaware that worry for Twilight was equivocal to the amount of oil she used for her lamp, and she was amply supplied on both ends.

Not being accustomed to sleeping late, Cerulean was surprised not to wake up naturally but by a triumphant shout blasting up from the first floor. He was about to investigate when a wild eyed mare pounced on top of him, brimming with insane energy as her mind was overloaded attempting to deal with the veritable library of knowledge she had tried to absorb over night.

“I did it~” she sang loudly. Cerulean noted that he could count the veins in her eyes, and stopping after twenty on the right eye alone, quickly realized that she hadn’t bothered to sleep at all.


“I read them all! I’m fully equipped to be the perfect mother! And I say we foal proof now!”

“Oh... ok?” Cerulean offered hesitantly, not having any idea what to expect with Twilight in such a condition. Spike had wisely stayed in bed, though upon hearing her crazed voice he peered over the side to observe the chaos unfold. Twilight combined her knowledge with magic to enchant her eyes to identify any and every possible danger based on what the books had read, and spoken, to her the night before. Suddenly nearly everything she looked at turned red to indicate possible danger, and Cerulean winced as she screamed.

“Ahhh, this railing is square! It should be round! And it’s made of wood, that’s much too hard, need something soft!” Her body began to glow purple as her magic wildly tried to confront each new danger that popped into her mind. The railing suddenly became a large chunk of multi-colored foam, and as the railing returned to normal color on her vision she noticed the rows of books lining the walls drenched in crimson. “Books! Books that can fall! Unacceptable! Take that, and that!” she roared, transforming every book on the shelves into pillows, complete with a winking Twilight face to soothe the newborns separation anxiety.

Cerulean was torn between laughing and fearing for his life, the raw amount of magic energy flowing enough to scare any unicorn with a lick of common sense. He heard a tremendous crash and ran downstairs to find that she had ripped the stove from the wall and tossed it through the doorway, tearing off a large chunk of the entryway in the process.

“Twilight, if you turn all the books to pillows you won’t be able to keep doing research, why don’t you just move them out of reach?”

“An excellent idea!” she replied, laughing maniacally as she returned them to book form and generated thick steel doors around them, sealing them in with vault-like efficiency. “Fall now, I dare you! ...What’s that? Don’t talk back to me, Daring Do!” she shouted, defying her imagined foes declaration to escape.

“Steel might be going a bit overboard, Twilight. What if the foal trips and falls?” A sharp gasp from Twilight indicated his sarcasm had been received, deliberated, and solved within a matter of moments, and with all seriousness. As she frantically looked back and forth the steel walls became marked red on her vision and with a roar she transformed the entire library into a gigantic marshmallow.

Pinkie Pie hadn’t been expecting to have one of her wildest fantasies come true in the blink of an eye, but as she raced towards the library to investigate the blinding purple flash she stopped in her tracks as she beheld the magnificent sight. A sultry voice called to her from afar, drifting on the breeze with the scent of sugar, and likely a result of years of her special ingredient kicking in.

“Pinkie Pie... I desire your mastication!” Who was she to refuse the call of sugar? Without hesitation she raced over, bounded off of the cast off stove and hungrily began devouring the walls of the lower floor. After consuming a rather large portion she waved cheerily to Cerulean and Twilight, who were arguing inside. They both stopped and stared at Pinkie, having worked her way inside and started into the bookshelves. Twilight watched in horror as Pinkie turned red on her vision and the overpowering call of motherhood bid her remove the danger with all haste. She had started walking over when she then noticed that her hooves were also cloaked in crimson, and she dashed into the bathroom to see herself in the mirror, the horrid contraption confirming her worst fears. Cerulean was halfway up the stairs when she bowled over into him, the only thing that hadn’t gone red.

“Quickly, Cerulean, save the baby! I’m a danger, I’m a horrible danger!” He hoisted her off and she began running in circles, the last fragment of rationality slipping away with nary a farewell. He sifted through the books on motherhood which had been magically enchanted and thus unchanged by the fluffy transformation and, finding the one he had nearly finished the night before, began browsing through the last chapter. He cast a glance at the gaping hole in the side of the building and focused harder, searching for something to say to snap Twilight back to her old self, when he stopped on a line in the last few pages.

Twilight came to an abrupt halt as she smashed face first into the levitating book before bouncing lightly off the forgiving wall and floor, coming to a rest on her back.

“Twilight, read this, right here.” Her eyes, which had previously been pointing in different directions, temporarily allowed for a truce and refocused long enough for her to read the text.

“Above all else, do not panic! Motherhood can be frightening, but it is also an amazing journey, one that is not completed overnight. So don’t worry, with everything you’ve learned, you’ll make it through.” As the fear drifted away and her vision returned to normal, she sat staring at the book for a moment before falling asleep, teetering for a second before tipping onto the cushy ground below. The magic returned to Twilight, and Pinkie Pie suddenly found herself with a mouthful of crunchy oak. Her insanely fast metabolism had digested most everything she had eaten, though a small portion did return to its original form, and her usually cheery face turned a sickly shade of blue as her stomach prepared to return the foreign objects to the outside.

Spike wandered cautiously downstairs and, noting that Twilight was sleeping peacefully, allowed himself a good laugh at Cerulean’s expense. To his surprise, Cerulean joined him as he put Twilight to bed, filling in the gaping hole in the walls with ice and enchanting it to stay for a while. He spent the next few hours helping Spike clean up the mess and, upon finishing, returned to bed and crawled in exhausted next to Twilight, placing a hoof under her neck and another draped lightly over her stomach.

“So, did you learn anything today?” Spike inquired as Cerulean closed his eyes, smiling as he answered.

“I did. When somepony worries, don’t ignore it. Oh, and my fiancé is crazy.”

Next Chapter: Twilight-licious Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 23 Minutes
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