Punny Pinkie
by Bolding
First published
Pinkie LOVES pun. You don't. This can only end badly.
Pinkie will seize any moment to pull out a pun, much to your dismay. It's never safe with the pink menace about. How far is she willing to go to get her cheesy one-liners before you snap?
This is a series of oneshots written for the Anon in Equestia threads, featuring you as Anonymous.
All Right
Your eyelids slowly raise as you pull out of your unconscious state. Looking around the room, something seems odd. By the looks of it, you're in a hospital. And your depth perception is rather off. Twilight and Pinkie stand besides you, both with worried looks.
"Anon! Thank goodness you're finally awake! We were so worried you didn't make it!" Twilight says.
"Didn't make it? What are you talking about?" They both give each other concerned looks.
"You mean you don't remember?" Pinkie asks.
"No. What happened?"
Twilight puts her hoof on your right shoulder. "You were in an accident. Last night you broke into Applejack's farm, sniffed the all her paint thinner, set her farm ablaze, and forgot that you were inside the barn in your high state."
Reaching for the blanket, you try to lift it off yourself. But something was wrong. Your left arm wasn't lifting. Looking over to the left side of your body, you scream out in horror.
"Where’s the left half of my body?!" Pinkie's face begins to stretch from the ear to ear.
"Don't worry Anon..." Twilight turns to her, anger filling her face.
"Pinkie! Don't do it! He's not in state of stability right now!" Pinkie disregards Twilight and finishes anyway.
"Everything is going to be all right!"
Soft Drink
Jeez, are you thirsty. Even piss is acceptable at this point. The hot summer sun beats down on you just like a Kentucky redneck does on his wife after a hard day of drinking. Its relentless downpour of heat was practically bringing you to your knees.
Every single store was out of things to drink because the ponies had known this heat wave was going to happen. You arrive at the last store, the one you dreaded entering...
Sugarcube Corner.
Slowly opening the door, you peek inside and see Pinkie sitting behind the counter drinking a can of Dr. Pony. Your eyes widen as she downs the sweet liquid. Swinging the door open, you enter the pink demon's domain.
"Hey Pinkie? Do you have any more Dr. Pony?"
"Of course Anonymous!" she giggles as she dip beneath the counter.
You begin heading towards the counter until she jumps out and pegs a can at your chest. The can makes solid contact, knocking you over. You hold your chest in pain as the can hits the ground and sprays pop everywhere. Pinkie quickly runs over to you, a look of concern on her face.
"Anonymous! Are you all right?" Grabbing the pink menace by the scruff of her neck, you bring her face to yours.
"Why in the hell would you do that!?"
She tries to suppress her laughter, but clearly does a horrible job at it.
"Sorry! I didn't think you'd get hurt because it was a soft drink!"
Substitute Teacher
Sitting patiently in your seat, you await the teacher's arrival. It’s already been twenty minutes past the beginning of class. Where could she be?
This class on pony history was something you looked forward to, but there was one factor that made it a miserable time. Pinkie, your desk neighbor, is busy babbling away about some party she threw for somepony.
She does this... Every. Fucking. Time.
You lost focus of the conversation ten minutes ago, but that doesn't stop her from continuing on. The doorknob begins to jiggle before reluctantly swinging open. Something was off; this wasn't your normal teacher. The light gray mare walks into the classroom and places her bag on the desk. She grabs a piece of chalk and begins writing her name on the board.
Derpy Hooves
"Hello class. My name is Ms. Hooves and I will be subbing for your teacher today."
Small murmurs begin to spread throughout the room, all pointing out one thing. She was cross-eyed. A few mares giggled at it as you throw them a glare. It was impolite to laugh at someone, regardless if they had a problem or not.
"Now, please open your textbooks to page three hundr-" Her sentence is cut off as a spitball hits her forehead. One of the stallions begins to throw paper balls at a mare as the two mares in the back begin talking again.
"Class, please! Settle down! We have a lesson to cover." The noise in the room increases to eleven as the deafening screams of students bounce throughout it. Ms. Hooves tries her best to try and calm the class, but receives no results. Tears fill her eyes as she runs out of the room. Shaking your head you turn to Pinkie who was now wear a grin so large, you were certain she was a cartoon character.
Before you can even stop her, she says it.
"I guess she couldn't control her pupils!"
Tents
Using the lantern around as a silent guide, you continue your search for more firewood. This camping trip was a real drag. And by drag, you mean you were dragged into it.
Literately.
Applejack didn't want to go by herself, so she dragged you along.
...And that pink monster.
With the bundle under one arm and the lantern in your hand, you begin heading back to the camp. Among the trees, you can see the fire. Something was off, however. The fire was larger than normal.
“Oh shit!”
The campsite is up in flames. Sprinting off like an Olympic runner hyped up on cocaine, you make your way for the camp.
"Pinkie! Applejack! Where are you guys?!"
Applejack sleepily exits her tent and realizes the situation. Looking over at the tent, you notice Pinkie's is in flames. The nobleman in you dives in and scoops up the terrified Pinkie cowering in the corner before the fires begin consuming the entire tent. Making your way for the exit, you narrowly escape. You place Pinkie down once you and Applejack get a far away distance from the fire. Applejack turns to her friend, insuring she is alright.
"Pinkie, are you okay?"
Pinkie turns to you with a shit-eating grin smothering her face.
"I'm glad I got out of there in time! That heat was in tents!"
Ears
Poor Twilight.
Poor, poor Twilight.
It was supposed to be a harmless joke. How did it turn to this?
Looking at the poor unicorn lying on the hospital bed, you remember what happened that day. You and Rainbow decided to have a prank war and Twilight was to be the victim. Rainbow did a few mediocre tricks: buckets of water when opening the door, sneezing powder; kiddie stuff to say the least.
You, on the other hand, went a level up.
Saran wrap under the toilet seat, leaving poop in a random place of her house, and a few other pranks you kind of regret doing now. But the one you regret the most was the one that put her in here. You taped an air horn to the wall next to her front door while she was out one day.
Sitting in a bush outside her house, you began giggling like a little girl as she opened the door. The door opened against the air horn, letting out the loud screech that would make a European woman jealous. Your sides hit the point left the universe as she nearly jumped out of her skin. Trying your hardest, you walk to her to rub it in her face.
"H-hey Twilight! I g-g-got you good, huh?"
She looks at you, and cocks her head.
"What?" she screams, "I can’t hear you!"
After a few hours, it was inevitable. She had gone deaf. And now you were here in the hospital with all her friends, hoping that the doctor could do something.
The doctor walks in with clipboard and looks it over.
"I'm afraid to say it, but your friend might be permanently deaf."
A few gasps let out around the room as you and Rainbow bow your heads down. The silence in the room is broken after a few minutes. Pinkie turns to the doctor wearing her signature grin.
"If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?"
Soap
Stinky.
Stinky, stinky, stinky.
Goodness did you smell. It's been quite a few days since you've had a shower, but it was for a good reason. There was a drought recently, so using the water for anything other than drinking was prohibited.
Looking around, you weren't the only one. Ponies all around were stinking up the town. What you guys needed was a good downpour to come, but in the meantime it looked like Ponyville was going to stink it up.
Making your way into Sugarcube Corner, you sit down at the table with Dash who invited you out for lunch. She stunk the worst out of everypony since she was into the whole athletics thing. Covering her nose, she points and decides to have some fun with you.
"Jeez Anon, you smell like something a cat would drag in."
Giving her a smirk, you pinch your nose and follow in suit.
"God, Rainbow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were following this procedure of not taking a shower for a few weeks already."
She chuckles and taps on the table.
"Hey Pinkie, almost done with our lunch?"
"All done!" you hear in the opposite room. Pinkie walks in with a tray of cupcakes, looking exceptionally clean.
"Pinkie, did you take a shower? You know we're not supposed to use the water for anything other than drinking, right?"
The evil grin crawls across her face.
"Oh, I haven't showered in years." Rainbow turns to her in confusion.
"How do you manage to stay so clean then?"
Before you can stop her, Pinkie says it.
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
Giftwrapping
Today was Hearts Warming Eve and boy, was it hectic. The amount of customers that rolled into Barnyard Bargains on this day was insane. Even ponies from other towns to buy gifts for their foals and special someponies.
And you were stuck wrapping gifts.
It wasn't all that bad; it was kind of refreshing to see actually. Ponies were more than grateful to have you wrap their gifts. You were much faster than the rest of the other employees because of one reason: You had hands.
But there was one pony who was out-wrapping you.
That pink demon… Pinkie Pie.
You still didn't know how she did it so fast. It was just a quick whirl and she was done. But you couldn't let that get to you. You had to win.
The employee with the most gifts wrapped by the end of the day got New Years Eve and day off. As you continued your endeavors, something catches your ears.
"My dear, you are such a thrill to watch! Your hooves move like lightning!"
You look over to an overly dressed stallion who was talking to Pinkie.
"I must ask you dear, would you be willing to work at toy factory? I could use somepony like you!"
That grin.
It was back.
Closing your eyes, you brace yourself for it.
"Sorry sir, but I am presently employed."
Boring
Digging into the soft ground, you continue your search. The lot was covered from corner to corner in holes. But you were certain that you'd hit it. The stuff they called "black gold", or oil for the simpletons who don't know what that means.
After hitting the point where the shovel was useless, you wipe the beads of sweat off your forehead. The sun was a brutal mistress. Pulling yourself up out of the hole, you look at your partner who is resting under a tree. The menacing pink spawn of satan had fallen asleep on the job. It wasn't that you wanted her to help, but she was a last resort; no one else would help you.
You shake her shoulder and wake her up.
"Hey Pinks, you’re up."
Pinkie's job was to drill the hard surfaces that you couldn't get through with a shovel. She gives you an annoyed look and returns to her nap.
"Pinkie, for fuck's sake, get to work!"
She jumps up like a crack of lightning, bearing her creepy-ass grin in your face.
"Anon, I don't want to do this any more. Drilling for oil is boring."
Noodles
So bored...
Dear lord were you bored.
Looking around the room, there was absolutely nothing to do. You guess it would be a good idea to refer to an old pastime when bored: cooking.
But, first, you needed some supplies.
Heading out to the market, you grab some spaghetti, your favorite food. As you hand the bits to pay for your pasta, a pink blur catches your eye. Looking all around, you don't see it again. You've been avoiding that pink monstrosity for a week now. Grabbing your bag, you quickly make your way home.
You begin setting up for your "boredom" meal by filling up a pot of water. Placing it on the stove, you get ready the spaghetti ready. You take a strainer, place it in the sink, and look out the window, nearly shitting yourself from the sight.
Pinkie stands in your window with that horrid smile.
"Making spaghetti just to pasta time away? Now that's using your noodle!"
Sleeping Pills
No matter how hard you tried, you just can’t do it. Sleep would not allow itself upon your person for the past three days. You tried all the old school remedies: warm milk, smooth jazz, even lying in a warm bath.
But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fall asleep.
So, you decided it would be best to consult a doctor, which led you to Dr. Stable. After your examination, he hands you a prescription for sleeping pills. Once the appointment is over, you take a short walk over to the pharmacy. Handing over the prescription to the pharmacist, you feel someone tap your back.
You turn around and meet face to face with the pink aberration.
"Hi Anonymous! What are you up to?"
"Medicine," you grunt.
She tilts her head in confusion.
"Are you sick?"
You shake your head and turn back to the pharmacist who has your medicine prepared. Grabbing the bag, you quickly head out of the store and lose Pinkie. Closing your front door, you lock it up and close all the shades in your home. There was no need for distractions.
Placing the pillbox on top of your nightstand, you head into the kitchen to get a glass of water. You return to find Pinkie sitting on your bed.
"Pinkie?! How did you get in here? Why-"
She interrupts you with a loud "SHHHHH!" before gearing into her devious smile.
"Don't make so much noise! These are sleeping pills, you don't want to wake them up."
Dough
Man, if there was ever a time you wanted some cake, it was right now. Like it was painful to not have some in your mouth. Standing up from your desk, you head into the kitchen and open the fridge. Some cider and mustard.
You really need to get more food for home.
Closing the door, you think about your next action. You could either go the day without cake and feel like less of a man, or you could go to that dreaded place...
Sugarcube Corner.
There was nothing wrong with the place; if anything, they had the best damn sweet in all of Ponyville! It was that damn pink heathen that drew you away from there. Sometimes, however, a man must put that aside for a nice slice of cake.
Leaving your home, you begin your walk to pastry store, keeping an eye out for Pinkie along the way. Everything seems good so far. As you open the door of the shop, you peek inside.
Still no signs of Pinkie.
You walk up to the counter and ring the bell. Mrs. Cake comes from the kitchen and greets you.
"Oh, Anonymous! It's been so long since we've seen you in here."
Scratching the back of your head nervously, you let out a small laugh.
"Yeah, been busy lately."
"Oh, we have a new kitchen now. Would care to see?"
"Sure," you say with a nod. As you enter the room, you can see a huge difference. The wood was reworked and the counters were even made with marble. Mr. Cake stands at the counter, presenting a new cake.
"Oh, hello Anonymous! Like the new kitchen?"
"Yeah, it's a pretty nice place. You guys seem to do pretty well as a business."
Turning to the two ponies, a question poses itself in your head.
"What made you guys ever want to become bakers?"
Pinkie's head pops out from under the cake, sending frosting everywhere.
"Because they kneaded the dough!"
Investigator
"It's a damn shame..."
Looking around the crime scene, nothing but blood and pie layered the place. Your partner was not helping out by eating the evidence either.
Unfortunately, you got stuck with the rookie, Pinkie. This Pink nuisance was good, but she drove you mad with her stupid puns. As she continued to eat the pie out of the cabinets, you decided to look at the victim.
"Deep lacerations in the sternum, a bullet wound to the neck, an- Detective Pinkie..."
You lift up the body to find a small, toothless alligator underneath, sporting a vest and cliche detective hat.
"...what the hell is this?"
"That's my pet alligator, Gummy!"
Smacking your hand against your face, you point at it again.
"Why is it here? Better yet, why is it wearing a vest and hat?"
Oh no. That smile. You brace yourself for it.
"Isn't it obvious? He wants to be an investiGATOR."
Alphabet Soup
The rumble from your stomach could wake a neighborhood.
Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you were damn well hungry!
Digging through the fridge, you find nothing but cider and mustard. You really should go food shopping more. Closing the fridge, you make way for the pantry. Nothing but cobwebs and dust.
Wait, is that a can?
Reaching into the back of the cabinet, you grab the cylindrical container and look at the label. "Chef Ponyardee: Alphabet Soup"
“Holy shit!”
It's been years since you've had alphabet soup! Memories of coming home from preschool to a piping hot bowl of those pasta letters come to mind. Cracking open the can, you place the contents into a pot, you fire up the stove and begin the boiling process.
One problem rises: There was no fresh milk to drink with it. How could you enjoy a nostalgic meal without the nostalgic drink? Looking at the stove, you wonder if you should turn it off. That would mean you had to reheat it again and wait even longer.
"Fuck it."
You set the pilot to 'low' and begin heading out of your home, only to be stopped by the evil ball of pink hair.
"Hey Anonymous! Where ya going?"
"To the market for milk. I need to hurry, I have alphabet soup on the stove."
Pinkie's sinister grin forms upon her face.
"Leaving alphabet soup on the stove unattended? That could spell disaster!"
Rockstar
All your life you prepared for this.
The time had come for you to become a rockstar!
For almost twenty years you have been practicing the guitar and now the day has come to show everyone your stuff! So Rainbow Dash organized a nice little concert for you right in Ponyville.
Sitting in your dressing room, Rarity applies your makeup and last minute clothing adjustments.
"Darling, this is going to be spectacular! Ponies from Canterlot and Manehatten have come to see you today!"
Looking down at your guitar, you pick at the strings.
"Yeah, but I must admit, I'm a little nervous." Rarity pats you on the shoulder and gives you a large smile.
"There's nothing to be nervous about, Darling. Just do your best and everything will be fine." You give her a fake smile, convincing her that you're okay, but you could still feel the butterflies in your stomach. A swift knock rasps against the door of the dressing room, nearly making you jump out of your skin. The coordinator pokes his head through the door with a clipboard in his hoof.
"Seven minutes until curtain!" Grabbing your trusty guitar, you head to the stage where you can hear all the noise from the crowd outside. You begin breathing in slowly, just like your drama teacher told you to do when you had stage fright. Suddenly, one of the drums behind you pops, revealing the evil pink monstrosity with her familiar grin.
"It's only a concert. You should really stop fretting!"
Wheelchair
Rumor has it that the next issue of Daring Do was coming out soon, so it was only natural that you would go get a hold of the biggest fan in Ponyville. Throwing rocks at the giant house in the sky, you try to get the attention of the blue speedster, Rainbow Dash.
"Yo, Dash! Get your butt out here! I have something important to tell you."
After fifteen minutes of rock throwing and broken windows, it was safe to say she wasn't home.
'Where the hell could she be?' you mutter to yourself.
Digging your hands into your pockets, you make your way to the Treebrary. As you approach it, you can hear quite a commotion inside. Opening the door, you peek inside. Rainbow, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack were crowded around something.
"Hey guys, what are you up to?" They all turn to see you when Pinkie is revealed to be the attention grabber. She’s in a wheelchair with casts wrapped around her back legs.
"Oh, shit! Pinkie, are you okay? What happened?"
You walk up to her as she gives you a sad look.
"I was helping the Cakes put dough into an industrial mixer. Things got sour from then on there..." Feeling a little bit of pity, you find yourself asking the one question you dreaded.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
A small smile works its way onto her face.
"Do you mind giving me a piggyback ride?"
Such a simple request?
"Sure."
You lift her up onto your back as she wraps her hooves around your neck. Turning your head to her, you instantly regret helping her. That corrupt smile of her's was on her face.
"Thanks! I couldn't stand being in a wheelchair!"
Geometry
There had been a rumor going around that you had a new teacher for your math class. You didn't really care; math wasn't your forte. However, you weren't really doing all that well, so maybe a fresh new start was in order.
As you left your locker, you make your way for the classroom. Ponies were rushing throughout the hallway, most in a hurry to get to their next class. You walk into the dreaded classroom and take your usual empty seat in the back of the classroom.
Removing your textbook and notebook from your bag, you place them on the desk and wait for class to begin. The bell rings, signalling the class's start.
Your heart drops as the teacher walking in.
It's that demented pink demon, Pinkie.
She begins writing her name on the board as all the ponies whisper amongst each other. Once she has it up, she turns to the class, a smile stretched across her face.
"My name is Ms. Pie, and I will be your new math teacher!" She removes her glasses, her smile growing wider. "Can anyone tell me the importance of geometry?"
You brace yourself for it. This was going to be a looooooong semester. No one answers, leaving her smile to expand.
"Without geometry, life is pointless!"
War Veteran
"Gather around kids! It's time for another one of Uncle Anon's war stories."
The three fillies sat in a neat formation in front of you, ready for their next story.
"Uncle Anon, can you tell us about the time when you were stuck in your camp and you had to drag out two of your men?" says the little orange one. Giving them a grisly smile, you nod your head. The other two giddy at the thought of this story, since it was their favorite.
"It was during the World War I. the night sky was blocked out by the trees, leaving us with little sight."
You crouch down to the little white unicorn, giving her a deathly stare.
"Sirens began howling, leaving my men and me with little time to react."
Jumping up, you start making explosion sounds and stomp on the ground.
"Suddenly, we were getting hit with bombs filled with mustard gas and pepper spray. Two of my men has inhaled the fumes, so I had to strap the two to myself and drag them out."
You stand in attention, saluting the imaginary officer in front of you.
"When I arrived back, I was awarded a medal of honor for saving the two men, killing more than a hundred Charlies, and surviving the pepper spray and mustard gas."
Pinkie bursts through the floorboards with a vicious smile. Suddenly the flashbacks come in.
Men dying, children crying, Charleston Chews!
Grabbing Pinkie in a headlock, she manages to grunt out, "I guess you could say he's a seasoned veteran!"
Prison
Looking up at the ceiling, you let out an annoyed sigh. Being in prison sucks, especially when you were wrongfully accused. But, there was no time to worry about that: you were sure Twilight would be able to prove your innocence soon enough.
You sit up as hollers and jeers begin echoing throughout the prison and grab your attention. The guards did mention something about a "fresh meat" coming in today, and the said convict would be your new cellmate.
Your heart drops as you notice who it is. The guards open the cell door and drop none other that evil pink monster into the cell: Pinkie Pie. They quickly lock the cell up and trot off before you can utter a plea of help. Pinkie brings her face close as you begin banging your head against the cell bars.
"Hiya Anon! I missed you!"
You turn to her with a murderous look, holding back all your rage.
"Pinkie, how in the hell did yo-" You cut yourself off, not wanting to finish that sentence. It was best to leave some questions unanswered. You move over to your bed and bury your face into your pillow.
"Hey, Anon? What's your favorite punctuation mark?"
You turn to face her, completely bewildered by her question.
"Wha-"
You stop short, noticing the smile. That devious, evil, uncaring smile. You swing a fist at her, trying to stop her any way possible. She dodges all your attacks and takes a deep breath.
"I swear to Celestia, Pinkie, if you make a pun, I’ll give them a good reason to keep me in this prison!"
She breathes it out as your wrap your hands around her neck.
"I figure your favorite punctuation mark is the period. Because it marks the end of your sentence!"
Short Stuff
Walking down the road, you smile as you look up at the afternoon sky. Being the only human in Equestria was one thing, but being the only midget in Equestria was pretty fucking awesome. Due their height, the ponies had everything down pretty low, making your life easier. Sure, you had to get used to their stupid customs, like no meat and being nice, but not having to deal with any tallies was great! And today was even better since Pinkie had some new pastries for you to try.
Opening the door to the gingerbread-like house, you let the smell of frosting and dough consume you. Pinkie stands behind the counter, a smile protruding from ear to ear.
"Hiya Anon! Come on in!"
You enter the building and make your way to the counter where Pinkie beckons you.
"I've got all kinds of goodies for you to try! I was little short on supplies, so I could only make so much."
Your ears perk up at the sound of those words: “little” and “short”. You shake your head in protest. There was no need to get angry over this; she was merely telling you about the situation earlier today. Letting out a long sigh, you follow her into the kitchen where many boxes lay across the counter.
You can barely contain yourself. So many sweets to try... and they were all free! She opens one of the container and you a cupcake on a plate.
"These are my new mini cupcakes! They're smaller than normal cupcakes. Aren't they so cute?"
You look down at the pastry and grab it. Was this some kind of twisted joke?
"No, Anon," you think to yourself. "This is merely a treat Pinkie whipped up for you to try. Stop overthinking it."
Popping the cupcake into your mouth, you bite down and almost cum. This thing is amazing! She digs into the next container.
"I tried this for the first time today! It's strawberry shortcake."
Your blood begins to boil. Okay, this shit was too convenient to be a coincidence. You grab cake and slam it in her face.
"You think you're funny, don'tcha?!"
Pinkie looks at you, completely bewildered. "What?"
You climb onto the counter and kicking the packages off the counter in a blaze tantrum. Letting out what you think is a mighty roar, you start tossing pans and bags of flour around the room. The Cakes enter the room to see what all the noise is.
"Pinkie, what's in Celestia's name is going on?!"
She looks up at them with evil grin, sweat dripping down her face.
"I think we have a small problem!"