Sunglasses?

“Check,” Spike clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, sliding the shades over his eyes. Regardless of still being indoors, it just felt more natural.

Comb?

“Check-a-rooni-dooni,” the purple drake ran a small comb through his bright green frills, giving his reflection a hearty wink.

“Spike?” Twilight asked impatiently. “What’s taking so long in there?”

He leapt with a shout, bursting from the bathroom in terror.

“Help, help!” he shrieked, jabbing a finger toward the room.

“What, what is it?” the unicorn librarian started up the stairs, worried.

“There’s a handsome guy in the house…!” Spike started, staring at the mirror before grinning smugly and running a claw through his frills. “Oh, wait. It’s only me.”

Twilight huffed through her nostrils in irritation.

“If you’re quite finished, Spike,” Twilight grumbled.

“Yeah, whatever.” He waved her off. “Say, sassy momma – what’s for breakfast?”

The unicorn’s eye began twitching noticeably, and she took a deep breath before answering.

“You can have breakfast with everypony else once we get to the picnic. Did you brush your teeth?”

Spike nodded enthusiastically, kicking the bathroom door shut and holding up a small jar filled with white paste.

“Sure did. Just like every day – brush my teeth with baking soda and peroxide.”

Twilight peered curiously at the jar for a moment, before magically lifting it away from him and unscrewing the lid to give it a sniff.

“… Spike, this is sugar and molasses.”

“To-may-to, to-mah-to,” Spike said flippanty, flexing his tiny muscles and slipping past her down the stairs. He peeked in the basket that she carried with her, much to her irritation. “Hey, you got any frosted dandelion bits in there? Ahh, frosted dandelion bits. All the deliciousness of frost and dandelions, but in bits.”

Twilight ground her teeth in frustration, starting after him with the picnic supplies in tow.

Spike kicked open the front door, sunlight flooding in as he basked on the doorstep.

“Look out, Equestria; here comes the one-dragon army!”

“That’s it, Spike!” Twilight called after him. “You’re on a no-sugar diet for the rest of the week!”

“Aw, don’t be such a stick in the mud, smart momma,” Spike grinned cheerfully, lifting his sunglasses a little.

“I mean it, Spike,” she glowered at him after locking the library door behind them. “I want you on your best behavior for this party.”

“I thought you said it was a picnic?”

“To-may-to, to-mah-to,” Twilight deadpanned.

Spike hopped onto her back for a free ride, earning an oomph! from the disgruntled Twilight.

“Aw, sweet,” Spike inspected his claws closely. “I love parties. Bring on the chicks from Prance and the cream soda.”

“I mean it, Spike!” Twilight insisted grumpily, their long trek toward her friends beginning.

"You know, that reminds me of a funny story. I was washing my head in the toilet the other day, when -”

Twilight sighed internally, blocking out the young dragon.

It was going to be a long, long walk to the park.

“So, anyways,” Spike blathered as she dropped him from her back, her friends greeting her happily. “So when the battery ran out, I realized I had my underwear over my head the whole time!” he cackled hysterically, obviously the only one interested in his story.

“Applejack, you wouldn’t happen to have brought plates, would’ve you?” Twilight asked tiredly.

“Sure did,” the farm pony replied with a beaming smile, hefting out a stack of decorated ceramic plates. “Brought seven of ‘em.”

“Whoa!” Spike gawked, standing up straight. “Seven! That’s almost…” he counted on his talons for a few seconds. “Almost eight.”

Twilight breathed heavily through her nostrils as Pinkie Pie began passing around plates.

Spike turned to the busy Rarity, and promptly dropped his plate.

“I know, darling, but Sweetie Belle seemed to have it under – Spike, dear, you appear to be drooling.”

“Huh, what?” Spike jolted from his reverie, stumbling toward Rarity. He shook his head earnestly, standing up taller to flex his muscles before her and inadvertently standing directly atop her dandelion sandwich. “Hey there, pretty momma. You smell pretty. Wanna smell me? Hoohah!”

Spike posed dramatically, showing off his every muscle.

Rarity only stared at the little dragon for a long moment, along with just about everypony else.

“Spike, you’re standing on my breakfast.”

“Don’t worry,” he whipped his comb from behind his back. “As compensation, I’ll let you watch me comb my frills. Wanna see me comb my frills really fast until they’re perfect?”

“No.”

“Okay, here I go!” Spike shouted energetically, not moving.

“… Cool, huh?” Spike grinned.

“You didn’t move,” Pinkie pointed out.

“I know,” Spike bragged, crossing his arms. “My frills are already perfect!”

“Are you done?” Rainbow Dash asked with a frown. “Everypony would kind of like to have breakfast now.”

“Spike, sit down,” Twilight said testily. “Pass the ketchup, would you kindly, Fluttershy?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Spike began rubbing a claw over his frills lovingly. “Enough about me. We should talk about me, instead. I’m a hot topic.”

Twilight seethed quietly, and pried “Spike, do you know the difference between a drake and a donkey?”

“I can’t tell,” Pinkie Pie interrupted. “Was that a speciest slur, or not?”

Leaving Pinkie largely ignored, Spike thought deeply for a few seconds.

“Drake… donkey… they both start with the letter ‘N’?”

“Spike, you’re making yourself a pain in the flank.”

“Can’t help it,” Spike reclined atop Rarity’s poor flattened sandwich, and he grinned lazily up at her. “I just look my best when I’m being worshipped as a god. Say, Rarity, how come you don’t already worship me?”

“Gee,” Rarity said flatly. “It certainly is a mystery to me.”

She started to shove him away, the sandwich sticking to his back, before he slapped her hoof away.

“Hey!” he blurted indignantly. “Watch the pectorals, those are top notch.” Spike flexed his tiny muscles just to prove it. “Wanna watch ‘em move in slow motion?”

Twilight let out a long, low, agonizingly tortured sigh.

“I really am sorry, girls,” she started apologetically. “Obviously, Spike’s manners still need a lot of work-”

She was promptly cut off by Spike, who clamped one claw over her mouth in horror.

“Twilight!” he said, aghast. “Such language! Using the ‘W’ word in front of company. Were you raised in a barn?”

“What’s wrong with bein’ raised in a barn?” Applejack scowled.

“I dunno,” Spike shrugged. “But you’ll probably end up being an intolerable nuisance, like Twilight here.”

Twilight politely responded by slapping Spike upside the head.

Author's Notes:

Do the Monkey with me!