I Am Not Spartacus - Now the Flugelhorn Summons Us Again
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Philomena convinced me to climb to the top level of the highest tower in Canterlot. There she reveals the banner she's had made. The problem is clearly how to quickly deploy it. I can't believe the bird has the time and resources to pull off this stunt as well as others. Of course, considering the reaction of ponies to my speaking aloud, insanity is pretty much a given.

"A pulley here, and one on the other tower, we pull a light wire over there, then a heavier one. And finally the banner," I tell the phoenix.

She's still shaken by the idea that there's anything non-equine as smart as her. But she flies out and returns to give me a thumbs up.

"Then that's what we'll do," I tell her.

The bird gives me a nuzzle and flies off. I survey the area around, and wonder what would really happen if I revealed my intelligence, the plays and stories I remember, and that perhaps the humans are smarter than ponies give them credit for. Not that the local humans are terribly bright, but rocks are smarter than ponies assume humans are.

The dawn is only a few minutes away, and I look down to where the Great White raises the sun. I'm no astrophysicist, but that sounds like bunkum, except I watched what happened when she was late. The sun didn't rise on time and she had to accelerate it to get it back on schedule. Maybe it isn't like our sun. After all, no creature can fly high enough to look at it. Maybe from the moon you could get an idea how high the sun actually is. What would it take to develop an Equestrian Apollo program to get a pony on the moon?

I shake my head at these ridiculous thoughts. A race still using slaves for most labor, and magic they don't understand the physics and chemistry of to create 'modern' creature comforts. This place is like the Flintstones, not the Jetsons.

I head back to the apartment. I spot the Mighty Poof. He ducks his head and races off. At least one good thing came of that insanity.
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The Great White looks one way, then the other. She cranes her neck and looks into the tub. She laps gently, catlike, the tip of her tongue flicking in and out for a few moments. Satisfied, she settles in like a swan, wings folded, her legs beneath letting her maneuver around in the tub. On the bottom, I shake my head at the foolishness of the maneuver. Although, grabbing her tongue might have been interesting too.

I leap up and catch her head and pull her under, turning her upside down. She thrashes her legs and wings in surprise, but I hang on. She twists to get her wings in the right orientation to lift off, but that lets me get her neck in a leg lock and force her head down. She has trouble lifting with unusual balance of my weight on her neck. Then I get sneaky, as it starts to glow, I rub the skin at the base of her horn, soft then hard then soft. Her horn begins to flicker like a light in a faulty socket. Despite her peril, her wings begin to stiffen to the point of uselessness. I put my lips and tongue on the side of her horn and begin to stroke up and down. She 'poofs' like a peacock, and flight is no longer an option. Her cheeks are bulging and her eyes wild until she lets out a gasp. Not the wisest thing to do with someone holding your head in a tub.

She thrashes violently for a moment, then changes tactics and lets her whole body sink. Once her hooves are on the bottom of the tub, she rears up to raise her head above the tub's rim. Her attempt to gasp lungfuls of air has my hands to contend with, as I cover both her nose and mouth so she gets no air, and my feet reach some of her more ticklish spots. Not only does she not get her breath, but she's laughing with her head beneath the rim of the tub.

After a few moments, she spasms, gasps, and her legs stop moving. She floats limply. I walk across the bottom of the tub to drag her head 'ashore', and the rest of her body where I can reach it from the shallow end of the tub as she stands up.

Her desire to be ambushed and 'taken' is a little disturbing, considering mares are generally the sexual aggressors in pony-society. Of course 'drowning' someone in a tub filled with air has got to be one of the weirder set ups I've been involved in, but I have a Masters in Theater and I'm good enough to actually teach, at a small college but still that's the top five-percentile of people like me, so I can play a part as well as the next guy. And it could be a fetish she's harbored, having to be strong and infallible for her entire nation for so long, the idea of willingly playing the victim and a failure having a pleasant consequence could be very liberating. I was adamant about no water in the tub. Even if she could go without breathing as she claimed, even silly Percy didn't like the chance of a miscalculation. Besides, as the ambusher, I can't breathe water, and I was not eager to wrestle with her in a medium she could survive and I couldn't.

While she didn't move, her eyes were open and she watched intently as I moved around her. Her mane and tail still 'billowed' and I moved through them so she could sense me behind her.

Stallions and human males are roughly the same size. Alicorns are considerably larger than either, assuming she didn't make me some immensely endowed freak as part of her spell. So as a human, forget it, I couldn't reach any of the good parts by dropping my pants and going to work. Fortunately, I am wiry, rather than a steroid kid. So there was something I can use, that is thick enough to satisfy and just happens to have some pretty useful stuff at the end.

She gasps as I wriggle my arm inside, keeping my hand as small as I can. I watch her expression, and feel her tail curl around me protectively. I have a little room to move it, so I brush my knuckles and fingertips along the inside as I push deeper.

Despite being 'dead', she shimmies, gasps and sighs as she watches me intently. I'm a little ways past the wrist when my fingers encounter a fleshy wall. As I stroke it, the Great White faces front and rears slightly with what sounds like a regular horse's whinny. I push my arm in a bit more, so my fingers can explore more thoroughly.

The Great White sounds more like Parasol with her little squeaks, and she's doing the 'excited pony dance' of raising a foot at a time as if marching in place. But she's speeding up the dance from usual, as if running in place. The bathroom mirror provides a view of her utterly goofy smile and wild-eyes in all their glory. A photo of just that expression and no context at this moment would provide blackmail material for a thousand years.

The 'dance' is getting a lot more lively and high-stepping, and she's swiveling her hips and shoulders. Then I start twisting my arm, brushing the fingers and knuckles one way and the other. When she lets out another whinny, this one considerably louder, I know I found my target. I raise my other hand to work her clitoris out of phase with my hand inside, hard then soft, then hard again.

Her head drops and her neck extends, as if I've shoved a 10-foot rod in there and all the way out her mouth, instead of my forearm in a little ways. Her horn glows so brightly it's hard to look at as she gasps. Then all sound stops, and she lets out what would have been an ear-shattering cry.
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Armor's horn glows as he passes it over my arm. Where it passes, the bruise goes from the color of his mane, to the light yellow of the bruise near my elbow and wrist. Slowly the area of my arm between wrist and elbow is being healed.

"You two have got to stop playing so rough," Pink scolds the Great White as she paces across the living room of her apartment. She's clearly uncomfortable disciplining her aunt and ruler.

The larger alicorn adopts a 'cute and put-upon' expression and ear posture. "But I got excited," she says and pouts slightly.

"Your Highness. You might have broken his arm," Armor says as he works, "You must simply learn not to break other ponies' toys."

That gets him a death-glare from the pair, which he ignores and keeps working. I reach over and scratch him behind the ears, and give a death glare of my own at the two of them.

"All right," the Great White relents, "Not so rough next time." The smile portends pay back. "He'll have to teach Armor all his tricks for your wedding night."

Armor focuses on his job, while Pink stammers incoherently. Settling on, "Auntie!"

The Great White giggles at her niece's flustered expression. "And he's got all kinds of ideas." She takes her leave.

Pink facehooves as Armor finishes the healing. My arm's still sore, but it doesn't hurt like it did. Armor motions for me to move it. I do, and there's no reduced effectiveness.

"I sometimes wonder if all the 'Molestia' jokes are true," Pink says, "Not about foals, and such, but about guards, the other ambassadors, various farm equipment."

"I can state with some certainty, that Percy is the first in living memory," Armor stands and shakes himself before continuing, "She scares most ponies too much. You reacted the same way to Percy the Alicorn as I did. Percy may be the only one in Canterlot immune."

"Heck of a vaccination," Pink says and nuzzles me, she seems near to tears again. "Why does she do it? Doesn't she understand how many ponies do love her?"

None of you ever touch her. Even here in your rooms, neither of you will. I don't understand Pony psychology, but she desperately needs more than a hoofshake and the ablutions by her maids. Poor lady needed a kitten, and she got a tiger cub, of course we play rough.
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The pit is back to hand-to-hand training. Pink and Armor are in gis, so is the Great White. Strangely, Parasol is in one and accompanying us. I half expect to see Dust Bunny, but the lessons start late enough, he might have to open his shop.

"Well, Twilight should be in Ponyville," Armor says, "I still think we should check up on her, surreptitiously."

"Now that's the overprotective big brother I remember," Pink says and grins, "She'll be fine. She's a grown unicorn. Besides, it's only the Summer Sun Celebration."

Ponyville, that's the town near the Everfree. It might be nice to scout the place out before I leave. Well, with 'family' there, it should be no problem. Then I notice the Great White's nervousness. I get the feeling there's more to kicking her student out of the nest than she's letting on.

I pair Muttonchops up with Parasol, for basic training. Armor and Pink pair off, and I work with the Great White.

Armor and Pink are fine. Muttonchops is the old veteran trying to teach a young officer, firm but not abrasive. But the Great White's timing is off, her follow through is lacking, and her mind is a million miles away. Probably with Twilight.

"I apologize, I'm worried," the Great White says. "This is Twilight's mission. It's very important, and no one can really help her. Although all of us want to."

Armor and Pink nod. I don't know, I've never met the lady. Other than the incident with the wire and the fall into the pond, but we hardly had a chance to compare scars or snapshots.

The practice sort of winds down after that.

"If it's okay with you two, I'd like to spend the Summer Sun Celebration with, well, him. If it's okay?" Parasol says, and looks nervously at the grinning pair.

"We will be certain Percy doesn't burn down the kitchen," Pink says. Parasol and Armor chuckle at that.

Just for that, I'm cooking a spinach souffle. Let's see your pony brains ignore that. Give you both a migraine that'll last a year.
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Unlike the previous experience I've had with trains, this one I get to ride in the coaches, rather than as freight. And this one is a royal coach. I think a New Orleans whorehouse scrubbed clean after each use would look, and smell this way. So much for souffle revenge.

"Celestia didn't specifically order us not to go see Twilight," Pink explains, as much to justify herself as to calm Armor.

"Yeah, Ponyville is a quiet nowhere, the guard doesn't even have to maintain a permanent presence there," Armor says, "What could possibly happen?"

I'm brushing out his mane, which is calming him, until something reminds him what he's doing.

"It's her mission," Armor counters.

"Her 'mission' was to set up the Summer Sun Celebration. That'll be done by the time we arrive," Pink says, "All we're going to do is arrive and tell her how proud we are of the job she did."

Armor is wavering. He isn't happy about this, but he can't seem to give a coherent argument why. "Something's going to go wrong," he manages.

"Get some sleep. Percy and I will protect you from the big bad monsters," Pink says and nods to me, "Won't you Percy?"

I get a grim expression and nod back.

"See, perfectly safe," Pink says and settles back onto the bench that doubles as a bunk.

I keep brushing out Armor's mane. He magically lifts a blanket to cover up Pink, and settles in my lap to go to sleep. I put the brush aside and glance around the 'Royal' coach we're riding in, and note that it has a place to strap down a recalcitrant human. Charming. But more nobles use these coaches than the royals do. And their tastes definitely don't run to the Great White's idea of mutual play. Pity, the best aphrodisiac is a highly enthusiastic partner.

Both nervously chuckle at the possibility of 'Twilie' in a place with no real problems. Both are too wound up, opening their eyes to look out the window at the darkness. On a train bound for 'nowhere'.

I swear if Kenny Rogers walks in singing 'The Gambler', I'm jumping out the window. Oh to Hell with it, this is too good to pass up. I start singing it myself. Both Armor and Pink are just staring at me. I'll admit, I'm not as good as 'The Gambler' himself, and I'm a baritone, but I do a fairly good rendition a cappella.

On finishing, I ignore the two absolutely stunned ponies who are still staring at me. I make the mistake of glancing out the window, and the familiar lunar pattern of craters and mare have changed. If it was lunar vulcanism, the dark areas would have expanded, not the light. Unless lunar lava was completely different from back on Earth.

I'm left with that mystery for a little while. The pair are glancing from each other, to me, and back, not saying anything with words. But a plan of action is forming. It'll be interesting to watch.

Then the entire train tries to come to a complete halt. Pink is thrown into the cushions of the bench, but Armor and I are thrown forward. I flip over the bench Pink is on to roll across the floor, and I hear a meaty thunk and groaning. So Armor may be alive, but in no condition to help any of the others who may be injured by the sudden deceleration.

The purple-blue miasma that seeps into the coach doesn't help matters. It's at times like this I wish I knew some chemistry or alchemy. Is the smoke part of the train, or something else?

Something else.

Oh for Christ's sake! ANOTHER alicorn? Five years I never heard of the blessed things, now I can't even sneeze without one or two saying Zu Hund Scheit. Only this one's blue. A few shades darker than the room we've been preparing for the Great White's sister. I think I know what happened, and I know who you are my pretty. Let's hope the sisters are similar.

"So you are my replacement? To warm the heart of dear Celestia?" the Purple Menace says, like she's auditioning for a distaff Darth Vader role. She doesn't even notice me walking around behind her as she stares at a terrified Pink and a still hors' de Train Wreck Armor.

You are going to pay for your arrogance. If you are like your sister, I have so many ways to drive you crazy.

"Percy! NO!" Pink shouts in alarm as she watches me approach.

This one is pretty, the way the Great White is pretty. Same flowing mane, same majesty. She's not as nice or composed as the Great White, but I give her 8.5 out of 10 on the Celestia scale.

She turns away from Pink to face me. "What are you going to do, little one?" she says, crooning as her mane touches and strokes, "Are you the fierce guard of this useless one?"

Lady, you have no idea. And what's this 'little' shit, I'm a half head taller than you are. I touch her muzzle, and she doesn't shy away. Then I slip my fingers under her helmet and rub the base of her horn. Her mane must be telling her I have no hostile intentions. I've learned all kinds of non-hostile ways to totally disable a unicorn or alicorn. She backs up as I rub and stroke, then she lowers her head, and I put my lips and tongue on the side of her horn, running them up and down the shaft.

Unlike the delay to get Celestia warmed up, this one 'poofs' immediately, her wings up and fluffed out. She's groaning, as if struggling to get the words out.

"I am darkness, and evil," she gasps.

You're a lollipop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of an alicorn? I let my teeth scrape against her horn.

She cries out and moves in slow motion as if she's trying to shake me off.

The world may never know.

Her mane is telling a different story. Celestia's mane would brush my skin with its length, like wiping with a cloth. The Purple Menace uses just the tips, as if clawing, but the mane is so soft, its like running an artist's brush across my skin instead.

Pink gets the message. She collects Armor and quietly bolts from the car. Good girl. Everything I taught you would be useless. Everything I may eventually teach Armor would be too squicky for you to use. But me. Happy pony equals alive Percy. She deliberately backs her butt into a corner of the coach, as if I needed that way in. This one's struggles are to get back in control of the situation. She's failing miserably as she gasps and moans.

"I am the night," she manages and pulls her head away from my grip as her mane gets a grip on me. "They worked and played in my sister's day, but ignored my beautiful night!" she says, "So I became the night, dark and evil!"

"The night is for lovers," I tell her, and put one hand back under her helmet as she stares in stunned amazement at me, the other hand begins massaging her neck. She's as tense as the Great White was that first time, and reacting to having that tension released as her estranged sister did. "Poor Beautiful Night, no one to show her, to play the night games with her. I can show you the worship offered you, in the night."

Her eyes have glazed as she stares at me, and her eyes slowly start closing as she leans into my hand rubbing the base of her horn. I oblige and rub harder.

"This is what they were doing," I whisper in her ear, and give it a soft bite. She nickers at the touch. "Not in Celestia's day, all for your night, inspired by Beautiful Night. They made tools and toys and crops in the day. They made more ponies during the night."

"No," she says softly, "No, no, no."

Then her eyes blaze white. "TRICKSTER!" she says as she advances and shakes off my hands, "A PLOY TO GET YOUR MISTRESS TO SAFETY. YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL?"

I comb my fingers through her mane as it twines around me. "No, no trick, no foolishness. Just an offer of bliss." I smile at her, and she backs up a step.

The mare looks around. "Discord! Is this your toy?" She waves a hoof at me. "It no longer amuses me."

"I can amuse you myself, if you'll let me," I tell her.

"SILENCE!" she says. The mane tightens, but it's half-hearted. Her mane shows her what I'm feeling, at least crudely, and I have no malice. My desire is plain enough, although I am hoping to convince the Great White's sister to free herself from, I'm guessing Nightmare Moon. Oh, much malice at whoever made that pun.

"I will kill you, slowly, over decades," she says.

I kiss an errant wisp of mane. "Sound like fun," I tell her, "I've got pretty good stamina, and I'll love watching you go through the little death, over and over. Maybe I can see how many you can take before you pass out. We could start right now."

"I am going to murder you!" she says, although she's blushing like a filly at her first dance, "And you talk of servicing my loins?! What madness made you?"

"Other ponies," I tell her, "Make love, not war. You want to see if it works?"

She tosses me at the door to the coach and stands at the far end, panting like a blown race horse. Again, the toss is light enough I land easily.

"YOU DISGUST ME!" she shouts. Her heaving breath and 'poofed' wings tell me that disgusted or not, she's not uninterested.

"I could just brush out your mane," I ask as I approach, "Would that be better? Maybe I came on too strong. I can start off slow, if that's what you want." I gesture. "Or your wings, they're so stiff and sore, just rub them and make them feel so much better."

With a screech of frustration, she turns back into mist and sails out the window. I watch her go and make sure she doesn't loop back towards the train.

Well, if she's gone, what's that? I lift my kilt and look down. The line from 'The Scotsman' comes to mind as the patch of blue tightens and loosens, tiny little electric shocks, not enough to hurt, but definitely jumpstarting what they're wrapped around. Suddenly it unwraps. The end waves and it darts after the rest of the Purple Menace.

Seems some of her thinks I'm worth a first prize ribbon too.

I rearrange my kilt, center myself and head back into the next car. There are a lot of hurt ponies, and other ponies helping them. Pink practically tackles me as I enter.

"Oh Percy, you big dummy! I would never have held you to that promise if it meant facing Nightmare Moon!" she tearfully shouts at me as she hugs me. She has no idea what her little speech does to most of the ponies in the rest of the train car.

I hug her back, then kneel to check on Armor. He's conscious, but one pupil is tiny, the other practically covers the entire eye. I'm no expert, but that can't be good.

"Is she gone?" Pink asks quietly.

I nod.

"Then, we, sure, she'll, get, moving," Armor says, his voice slurred and slow.

"Right," Pink tells him and nuzzles him. She turns to me. "Did she hurt you, did she do anything to you, or something?" she asks.

I cock my head, and so only she can see, I grin. Her look of shock is heartrending, but she masters herself quickly.

"I think we can live with that," she says, "We have to get this train moving. I think Canterlot is still closer."

I point to her then Armor, and stand.

"Somehow I don't doubt you," Pink says and touches her horn to Armor's head.

I leave the coach and climb down to the ground. The moonlight is bright enough to view the undercarriage. I'm no expert, but it seems all the wheels I pass on my way to the locomotive are still on the track. In the cab of the locomotive, a shaken engineer and fireman are confronting a brown-maned stallion with an hourglass cutie-mark. The arrival of a human distracts the railroad ponies.

I draw myself up. "I am the avatar of Celestia Solar, ruler of Equestrian, what is the delay?"

The railroad ponies are actually relieved to be dealing with my claim over the idea of a talking human. "Highness, we just had an encounter with Nightmare Moon, there were dozens of Timberwolves out there."

"Four," the other pony says crossly.

"They are gone, and you have many wounded ponies aboard, proceed to Canterlot or Ponyville, whichever would be most expedient," I tell them, "You are the railroad, the broad shoulders on whom all commerce depends."

The railroad ponies puff out their chests. The hourglass pony just rolls his eyes. Then they deflate slightly. "What if they're still out there?"

"This human is the Crimson Death, a pit fighter of great repute, he will guard you as you examine your train."

"Time Turner, your majesty," the hourglass pony says, "We've met, but you might not recognize me."

"They will guard you. Make haste, or I will place in this human's mind, insatiable hunger," I tell them, and grin. As it fades, I return to Percy's placid expression and climb down out of the cab. The two railroad ponies get lanterns and one accompanies me, the other Time Turner. The inspection is quick, and finds little wrong with taking it slowly back to Canterlot.

I accompany Time Turner back to his coach. There is the off chance something almost as nasty as me is out there.

"Terrestrial Humans," Time Turner says and chuckles, "Amazing mix of gentle and vicious."

For the first time in five years, real hope rises. "You know about Earth? You could take me home?"

"Which Earth?" he asks. His shame is obvious.

"Can't you do a quantum resonance scan or something?" I ask, desperate to hold out any hope for returning to my lost life.

"Sure, right after I reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," he replies, "Do I look like Jon Pertwee to you? You've been watching too much of that other show."

"I just want to get away from here," I reply.

"You had five years and all the training needed to get out any time you wanted. Admittedly, it was all the way out, but you still had an escape route," he replies, "Do you really want out, or do you just want a bit of a stable life?"

I honestly can't answer. I never considered the possibility. "Can you tell me if there are others, humans like me, on the planet?"

"Can, but may not," he says, "You can find them yourself. You just have to read the right newspapers."

He climbs up to his coach, and I sprint towards mine as the train begins backing up. In the coach, Armor is staying awake, with his head in Pink's lap. The two are piecing together the lyrics to The Gambler and chuckling about Nightmare Moon's dream manipulation.

One of these days, I'm going to do something and present them with irrefutable proof. And lots of little, pony brains are going to explode.

Armor spots me, and waves me over. As I sit on the floor beside the bench they rest on, Armor puts a foreleg around my shoulders and pulls me close. Then Pink hugs me with a wing. Both are tired and frightened, but they are grateful I'm all right, and we're together.

I honestly don't know how to take all of this. Eventually, I fall asleep in their arms, limbs, whatever. I'm the only one who would be allowed to.

The dream that follows looks like what you'd get if Hannibal Lector did a Skittles commercial that passed the Moral Guardians (TM) but just barely. I am guessing it is a rundown of the events in Luna's life that led Little Blue into becoming the Purple Menace. If Nightmare sent it to me to drive me insane, she needs to visit the fighting pits more often. I watch the Great White and Little Blue's battles against a bunch of inhuman beasties, resulting in a loosening of her and her sister's grip on sanity. Followed by growing alienation and resentment. Considering they were inseparable during the battles, that estrangement had to hit both very hard.

The Great White becoming the source and center of everything, and Little Blue getting pushed off to the side. True or not, it's what Little Blue or the Purple Menace feels. Then the Purple Menace facing the Great White, who has armed herself with a constellation of magic maguffins.

The display picks up with the restored Purple Menace in the modern day, facing off against a bunch of ponies, and one human. Some are revenge or trying to terrify them into submission. She has the ponies pissing themselves, except for Sparkle and her friends. The 'attacks' on the Sparkle's group looks like something out of a hero-training montage rather than a series of murder attempts. I suspect Little Blue's influence was greater than the Purple Menace cared to admit.

Finally, the purple unicorn gets the maguffins, different from the Great White's, and zaps the Purple Menace. What the 'I am evil, darkness, etc. BOO!' goes through in those last, few moments is vastly unpleasant. Getting torn to pieces is never fun. The weird, scary and tragic part is that some of those pieces were actually fond of Little Blue.

The dream ends before I can see the fate of those pieces, but I don't know how long they'll survive as part of a separate subpiece, or if they were fond like parasites are fond, or if they were genuinely taken along for the ride. Something to keep me up at night.
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Reports are now coming in that Twilight Sparkle led a team, now known as the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, to defeat Nightmare Moon, and rescue Princess Celestia's long lost sister Luna. Neither Armor's condition, nor Pink's desire to watch over him made a trip to Ponyville for the celebration possible.

Philomena and I make a few of our own preparations for the celebration in Canterlot proper. I also start reading the All-Equestria News: tail-extensions not going to ask, all the things you aren't supposed to eat is typical crap, which celebrity is hanging out or more with which celebrity is uninteresting, and humans who avoid capture is more like it. What do I do with the information?

Watching the various functionaries try to decide where to house a second princess is a scream. Although there are a few tense moments when they start eying the space the Great White already prepared. Philomena's presence reminds them of the interest the Great White had/has in that area. The decorations they plan, has the two of us in hysterics, considering we both know how the Great White decorated Little Blue's new home.

Consequently, I'm there, looking through the large telescope, as the new Diarchs of Equestrian arrive. Philomena is in one of the two towers, awaiting in the other are the loads of sandbags. As the royal coach moves through the city, the Great White is waving to the adoring crowds. Little Blue is much more hesitant. Personally, if any part of what the Purple Menace said was true, I would have brought her in just after twilight, to an 'illumination' have the streets lit up and show that Canterlot doesn't sleep just because the sun went down. But for the crowds, broad daylight is better. And they didn't ask me.

The parade continues past the cheering crowds, and is nearing the most important turn. Most important for me and Philomena. The red streak from one tower to the other goes unnoticed by the crowds. A few moments later, the heavy wire comes across. While the phoenix couldn't carry it across, she can pull it through, and hook it up to the sandbags. Then the phoenix is gone. Another telescope lets me see the wire is unreeling as it should, and I shouldn't have long to wait. A few guards are noticing something, but they are out of position to react.

I return to the main telescope. There they come around the corner, and the movement catches their eyes. The banner unfolds perfectly. Guards are charging up the towers, as the Great White stares at Philomena's and my handiwork. I can watch their lips work out what we have placed for all to see over the entire capital.

ALL HAIL SUNBUTT, MAY HER PLOT NEVER LESSEN AND HER FLANK EVER SHINE!

ALL LOVE TO MOONBUTT! SMITE US WITH YOUR ADORABLENESS, WE CAN TAKE IT!

WELCOME HOME THE BOTH OF YOU.

Both are 'bullet pointed' by their respective cutie-marks. And the entire parade sort of grinds to a stupefied halt. Nothing can compare with the sight of 50,000+ screaming ponies all having an attack of collective apoplexy. Some are laughing, some are outraged, some like the Great White and Little Blue are just staring at the banner waiting for their brains to reboot.

I am truly glad Armor and Pink have been out of commission for the past few days, there is no way this can be blamed on them. Although I can see them in the reviewing stand, Armor with his head bandaged is doing a double facehoof, and Pink has her jaw hanging open so far I can look down and see what she had for lunch last week.

Sunbutt's and Moonbutt's brains come back online approximately at the same time, and they rest against each other as they try not to fall over laughing.

There'll be an inquiry, and the guards have found the remote mechanism, and the set up. The banner can be traced, but as one of the few beings who might be implicated I will be passed over on two seconds' reflection. I can sit back with a metaphoric bag of popcorn and watch the poo fight on monkey island.

Hey, they want to be so vehement in their denials of the possibility of my intellect, I am more than happy to use that for all the entertainment value it is worth.

The rest of the town gets to see the Great White and Little Blue hugging and laughing all the way to the palace. Moving the entire procession into the palace proper falls apart whenever either or both of them catch sight of the banner flapping in the breeze. The giggles return and so does the need to hold the other.

For a bunch of ponies who supposedly live on friendship, it is an important and jarring lesson for most of them.