I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"Miss Octavia?" the receptionist for the Royal Chamber Ensemble called her, one of the three finalists.

"Present," she said. Her voice squeaked like an excited filly.

The receptionist only grinned at her, and gestured towards the doors leading deeper into the offices. There Octavia would meet her destiny.

Sometimes they suggest tutors, sometimes they give things to practice and to try again next year, she thought desperately, Sometime, oh I can't hope, they give letters of recommendation to other orchestras! I can't have done well enough to expect one of those! She controlled her breathing, exuded a calm air and simply did. Just like Percy had taught her. 'Be scared later,' was her watchword now. Whatever happens, will happen. That I was even a finalist says so much.

"Octavia, reporting," she said on entering through the door.

The conductor snickered, a disheartening sound. The other three ponies behind the table that dominated the space seemed unconcerned about the magnitude of their decision, and the effect it would have on her life. Only the pianist was openly hostile. The conductor and the other proctors seemed completely unconcerned.

More lessons, she realized.

"I had guard recruits take weeks to learn that," the conductor said. And there was more snickering. "Would you be willing to play at the Grand Galloping Gala? It is a deep part of the pool to throw you in, but it will serve as your probationary period in entire."

The flash of light from outside distracted all of them, except Octavia, who wouldn't have been distractable by the sun exploding.

Octavia stared, her mouth refused to work, which was good because her brain would have filled it with gibberish. The loud, long boom sounded over the city.

"G-sharp," the conductor said, "An octave below lower C."

The noise galvanized her. She finally focused on concentrating on the key points, and repeating them, "I am to be a probationary member, until the Grand Galloping Gala, then I will be a full member?"

"If you pass," said the pianist, who had been skeptical of her from the start.

"If I pass." Octavia straightened up. "Are there any pieces in particular that I should practice?"

"You'll be expected to sight read, but the usual chamber pieces for four instruments would be a good basis," the pianist replied. He clearly didn't agree with the decision, but likewise seemed willing to let her hang herself.

No, let me sink or swim, rather than dirty his own hooves, she thought.

"I understand, and I'll be ready." She bowed slightly and left. She walked where her hooves took her. She absently noted she'd collected, or been given her cello somewhere along the line.

Her arrival at the door of Princess Cadence's apartment, at the time she often practiced with Percy seemed a perfect time and place. She composed herself and knocked. Parasol answered the door.

"Octavia, how did the audition go?" Parasol asked as she let Octavia in.

Octavia set her cello aside as Parasol closed the door. She smiled at Percy who seemed bubbling over with curiosity. Bubbling over for Percy that is. "I go, I got it."

"No," Parasol exclaimed.

"Yes," Octavia said, and felt her self control disintegrating. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" she shouted as she pronked around the pair, sometimes spinning Parasol in circles, sometimes circling Percy, until she and Parasol were too dizzy to stand up without leaning heavily on the human.

Octavia let herself snuggle against the reassuring creature and gave him a hug. "Thank you Percy, I could have given up, but you insisted on showing me how I created beauty." She squealed happily as he hugged her back.

Poor Parasol was hanging onto a chair hoping the room would stop spinning.

Percy motioned her over to where his cello was set up.

"Okay, pen or bow?" she asked. He nodded to the pen, so she pulled out several blank sheets while Parasol left to get them some tea for later.

Then Percy began to play. I've long since gotten over that a human can be a decent musician, Octavia thought as her hooves flew over the paper making notes of the song he was playing, Where does he get these? They're utterly alien, but so wrenching. She rubbed a foreleg across her eyes to be able to see through the tears.

At the sound of a sniffle not her own, Octavia turned and saw Parasol standing there with the tea tray set aside and both hooves covering her eyes. "I'm sorry," the unicorn hoofmaiden said and sniffled, "But what did they do to him, so he'd even come up with that?"

Octavia had no answer. I guess I wasn't listening, merely transcribing, she thought as she looked at the sheet music. Percy seemed to be radiating expectation, his eyes fixed on the paper.

Octavia grinned and set up her stand and cello to play what she'd written. Actually playing it was worse than hearing it. It evoked desperation, terrible loss, but through it all, a quiet even gentle defiance. 'You are going to kill me, but you will never destroy me.' It fit, it fit uncomfortably well. Percy plucked a counterpoint as she played. The effect together reduced the hoofmaiden to a quietly weeping puddle. It nearly got Octavia, but it strengthened her as well. She could persevere no matter what.

She finished, sitting back, utterly drained. Her emotions should have been running rampant, but she'd poured every ounce of energy she had into that quiet, little song. She felt utterly empty, not in a good way, yet not in a painful way.

Percy picked up a pencil and made a crude drawing. Any foal in kindergarten could have done better, but a ponything with wings and a horn, and musical notes around it.

"You want me to play that for the princess?" Octavia was jolted out of her lethargy.

I just barely made it into the ensemble, and you want me to play a piece like this for the princess?! Octavia's mind raced, while outwardly stoic, she was elated and terrified in turns. Then another thought crystallized, one that to her horror fit within the song perfectly.

"Percy, I can't steal your song! It's yours. It's beautiful! If I play it, everypony will think it's mine," she said. Now she was in tears. Her own compositions were nearly unplayable as written, but Percy had shown how to at least glimpse their beauty.

Now he wants to cede credit for this, to me, she thought as he set aside his cello and her own, and hugged her. She gave into her emotions and sobbed.
------------------------------

Parasol walked to the corridors, she didn't know what to think. There's no way a human could do those things. And he's in the same rooms as the Princess of the Crystal Empire. Even though I don't know where that is. It can't be good. I know that shapechanging magic exists. If he's or she's an assassin disguised as a human, he could strike and be gone as a pony before anyone could do anything.

She hated going over what she knew was the proper 'chain of command', but if the Captain of the Royal Guard was befuddled, who else could she go to?

Celestia's day room was a place where she could be reached, and do paperwork, but it wasn't the court. The guards simply watched Parasol as she approached. She nodded to them.

"I would like an appointment to speak with her Highness," she said, "On a matter of some delicacy."

The soldiers exchanged a glance. The larger of the two said, "Sergeant of the Guard, post number one."

Milestone appeared a few moments later, he seemed so different when he was in his full regalia. More unapproachable. No longer the old uncle, but the grizzled veteran determined to stand between the world and her Highness.

Maybe I should tell both of them, she thought and gulped.

"Sergeant, I need to speak to her Highness, on a matter of some delicacy," she said.

"You cannot bring this up to the Captain of the Guard?" he asked, a roundabout way of asking why she didn't discuss this with Armor and Cadence in their apartment.

"No, sir," she said, and felt horrible at saying it, and what it would mean.

Milestone showed no emotion, and seemed to look through her to her soul. "Follow me."

She fell in behind him. She walked around to a small office with several guardsponies in it. He proceeded through, but Parasol felt the eyes of all the others on her, as if she'd trespassed on the holy-of-holies.

"Highness," Milestone said after a single knock.

"Enter," Celestia said and smiled, brightening the entire room, "Sergeant, Parasol, what brings you two here?"

"Highness," Parasol said and looked around nervously, "I just something I cannot explain. Percy played a song. A song I've never heard before in my life. He taught it to Octavia. They laid the pieces down individually. There are some ponies who play music that couldn't have done as good a job."

"Go on." Celestia seemed to be glancing between Parasol and Milestone, then focused on Parasol again.

"Highness, there are - things - that take pony form. I've never heard of one being friendly. And for whatever reason, neither Cadence nor Armor has noticed it. I think it's somehow affecting their minds. So they can't see it."

Another glance between Milestone and Celestia.

"But because you're a 'mere servant' it hasn't bent its powers against you?" Celestia said.

"Highness, I know how arrogant it sounds," she said, "But it just seems so incredible. I didn't even think about it when it should have been screaming out at me that first day. He followed me, carrying his leash. I could have led him straight to the apartment and he would have followed. The only thing that distracted him was Twilight falling in the fountain. He was trying to appear stupider than a regular human, until Twilight fell in the fountain."

"As I understand it, his immediate reaction was to rescue a filly he'd never seen before from a possibly life-threatening situation."

"Highness, he saved Cadence and Armor's sister/future sister-in-law. He knew it was her, and her death might have had a bad effect on his mission."

"And his mission being?" Celestia asked.

"I don't know Highness," Parasol admitted and bowed her head, "I don't know."

"Parasol," Celestia said as she used a wing to raise Parasol's head, "The sergeant, Captain Armor, Princess Cadence and I, are aware of the situation."

Parasol gaped, then face hoofed. "Of course you are," she said, "How could I be so stupid? Your Highness -"

"You did exactly what you should have done," Celestia said, and smiled, "One of us had to notice it first, and tell the others. We are watching, but if you see something unusual, don't react, tell myself, Captain Armor, Princess Cadence or Sergeant Milestone. Do not discuss it with anypony else."

"Understood," Parasol said and bowed, "Highness, what's his game?"

"That we don't know. He may be completely friendly, or, he may be an alien intelligence housed in a local human to observe Equestrian society."

"Her Highness is teasing me," Parasol said.

Celestia nodded. "Keep an eye on him, but don't let your imagination run wild. He's a human. He has blood and muscles like any other human," Celestia told her.

Parasol bowed and left.
------------------------------

Celestia looked at the door closing, and noted that Milestone had assured the other door to the room was closed.

"That's eight, Highness. Eight who've seen it and are asking questions," the sergeant said, "We can discount Octavia, she's balmy."

"Odd that this day, she managed to get into the Royal Chamber Ensemble without retest," Celestia said, "Contact with Percy perhaps."

"Highness, that strengthens my worries, rather than weakens them," he said nodded, "With respect, he should have an accident. An idiot savant is not unheard of. Some human matching some of the best ponies in one thing. But he can do it in two fields. Fighting and music, there is no connection between the two that would explain it all. Muscle memory where he picks up skills that quickly. That's a mutation of some kind or a spell. We've had ponies do experiments to raise a human's intelligent through magic, potions, surgery and combinations. It has always been a disaster. Worse when it succeeds than when it fails."

"So you are saying he has enhanced intellect?" Celestia said, keeping her voice and posture carefully neutral.

"Highness, I'm a simple, old soldier. If he's possessed by something that lets him do this, that's above my pay-grade. But that might almost be better. I like the lad, I like his choice of friends and I like the loyalty he shows. But what he can do, worries me," Milestone said,

"You're forgetting his other talent," she stared at Milestone as the old stallion blushed, "I meant teaching, but you are correct, that would make it four."

"Highness, I was not going to bring that up."

"Why not?" Celestia asked, "It's a legitimate concern. Am I thinking straight about someone who, what's that quaint, barracks room phrase, 'Shagged me so hard I poked somepony in the next room'? I may be overly fond of him for that reason. I am quite certain my judgement hasn't been clouded, but I could be wrong. But sergeant, having four pony-level talents, and able to learn more, is not a cause for concern. Humans used to be that capable. What you see on that front, is a source of joy beyond measure for me. If he is an atavism, we must breed that strain back into the human line." Celestia paused. "Sergeant, what you see as a threat to the crown, and your commanding officer, I see as a way of undoing the most monstrous crime ponies have ever committed. He is a chance at redemption for the three races. Continue to be concerned, but understand my concern is the defilement of the ponies' soul."

"Highness, that's above my paygrade, I deal in flesh and blood, and paperwork. If it can't be hit, or filed, I leave it to others. But there are some very good reasons we don't recruit ex-pit fighters in the Guard. They are too difficult to untrain and the frustration drives them insane." He held up a hoof. "I know with Percy, learning seems to be almost automatic. But in his case, think of the kind of people he was learning from for five years. He's shown great tenderness, and he has shown what in a pony would be terrible cruelty, but his expression doesn't show that. There is a limit to what anyone, pony or not can withstand. And when the dam breaks it will all pour out whether he wants it to or not." Milestone looked at the doors. "Highness, I am not ascribing ill-will to any of his actions. He has been as loyal and as attentive as any trooper I've ever served with. But he's badly damaged goods who is holding together by who knows what strength of will, or divine intervention. When the will fails, and the intervention ceases, it will be unleashed, not because he wants to, but because all that has been done to him has to go somewhere."

"Then watch him, assign a couple of guards to watch him discreetly. Be ready to sit with him, be ready to sit on him if that's what it takes. But I want him kept alive," Celestia said firmly, "You're right, this is above your paygrade, it's above the interest of nearly every pony, griffon, diamond dog, minotaur and dragon on this planet. It is an unspeakable crime ponies committed against a species that welcomed a starving, terrified handful with open arms, and we destroyed them for their kindness. That we later learned the very lesson they tried to teach us, yet lacked the power to undo what had been done is no excuse for accepting it as 'forever'. You don't murder the owner of a house, move in, and then expect the relatives to just accept what you did. There will eventually be a reckoning, and the cheapest is to undo the evil that you did, if not for your initial victims, then for their descendants."

"I'll do what needs doing, Highness," Milestone said.

"Sergeant, you drew the exact line I did, you just have it going in the wrong direction. But on the impossible, off chance that I actually made a mistake, I don't want him to suffer for it."

"Understood, and thank you Highness," Milestone said and left.
------------------------------

Celestia looked at the paint that had confounded her, nearly driven her insane and felt an indescribable joy. Great arcs of shades of blue, concentric circles from off-white to near black, across the ceiling a swarm of constellations, the entire year's night sky laid out so even Twilight could not find a flaw.

It is perfect. It is what Luna deserves. And it does show that I haven't forgotten her, she thought. How, why have I found such a person, when I needed someone so desperately? I don't deserve it, I can only accept it.

As a lark she transformed into a human, and remembering their dances from so long ago, she gathered her mane to her breast and held it there as she spun and pirouetted across the floor and through the air. And still her joy grew with each new view of what her friends had suggested, but what she had wrought. To have such friends, to be 'allowed' to do with her own hooves, to be . . . watched from the shadows.

Celestia landed and focused on who had intruded, on who would not be offended at what she had done, at whose feathers would be ruffled and what she would have to do and give up to soothe the battered sensibilities.

She saw Percy, his expression was a void as it always was. Drawing in all around it, to pass through, to be considered and set aside she never really knew. His expression took on a subtle quality, as if pleased by what he sees and had seen. Her heart rose to her throat as he approached, and she felt she had a gift undreamt of from the All-High, when Percy did not walk, but danced towards her. She felt her soul would burst with joy, that this simple creature, would accept and understand, both her joy and her fear of discovery, and would not judge, but want to play alongside her.

He stopped and gave a courtly bow as an actor on a stage might give and then extended his arms to take his surrogate's place at the dance.

"If you hadn't offered such a welcome gift," she said as she lowered her hands from her mouth and approached, "I should be very cross with you. I wanted to practice and surprise you tomorrow." She pulled him towards her, he balked slightly on touching her. She smiled and firmly held him against her. "I trust you," she said, barely a whisper, "I love you."

She smiled as he fitted himself against her. Her arms and mane and tail holding him against her bare skin. The feeling of his tiny, soft hairs on his arms, legs and face against her skin tickled and made her laugh. But she began the dance again, holding him tight. She felt herself crying with joy as she danced as much for herself, as Percy, and for her sister.

As he snuggled against her, she had a completely ridiculous thought, Humans come into season once a month. She laughed at that idea as utterly absurd.
------------------------------

Cadence cleared the webbing off her face. An absolutely huge, bright green bear wearing purple shorts lumbered over carrying a silver tray bearing a damp wash cloth, a brush and a cucumber sandwich. Cadence let the bear gently wash her face, then she ate the sandwich while the bear combed the rest of the webbing out of her mane. She watched him in the reflective surface of the silver tray. In the distance, a kangaroo wearing a tuxedo and an air like Celestia's at her most teasing, watched with pride at his new protege's careful work.

"Why can't we keep them, and just get rid of the others?" Cadence asked.

Armor didn't move from his staring contest/magic duel with the mouse wearing the wizard's hat. "Because we keep one, we have to keep them all." Armor suddenly dodged out of the way as high above, a twice-pony-tall coyote dropped an anvil out the window of Twilight's tower. The rodent wizard only stared in horror as it descended on it.

"Aw," Cadence said and hugged the huge bear, and receive a rather embarrassed hug back.

Blueblood came rolling out of the tower. He stopped rolling although continued to smolder as he set the geologist pick aside and stood up. He showed Armor the two stones he'd recovered. "He's probably down to delta beams without these," the pompous prince said and pointed, "I'm going over there and fall unconscious for a while. Auntie Celly will get the dry cleaning and grooming bill." Blueblood staggered over to a bench, and collapsed under it.

"Just when you think you know somepony," Armor commented on the prissy unicorn snoring away.

Milestone staggered out of Twilight's tower home. "We have them contained," Milestone said and saluted, "Except for the mouse and the suit of armor that locked itself in Miss Sparkle's workshop."

"The mouse is under the anvil," Armor said, "We'd better get him out of there, all this 'blow up the moon' stuff might not be good. Ready?"

Milestone shook his head. "Sir, can't we keep some of them, they seem decent, they've been helping us."

"According to Twilight, it's all or nothing," Armor said, "I would love to see that duck as a guard."

Milestone looked over at the figure unconscious under the bench. "What ever possessed him?"

"Seems he doesn't take kindly to threats against his aunt." Armor shrugged. "Who knew?" Armor said and continued into the tower.
------------------------------

The party in Twilight's library seemed to be going full swing. The first time the room had been used so. Spike was providing food for the buffet table along with several of the Royal staff.

Celestia waited for the kangaroo to finish his short lesson to Spike, before she intruded, "And thank you especially for your diplomacy," Celestia said to the kangaroo, "I can't imagine the trouble we would have had without your help."

"Your Majesty," the kangaroo said and bowed, "I must admit, I enjoyed the outing, and not having to clean up after it."

He smiled as Celestia did. The party, to which Twilight was not invited, continued. Several of the new knights of Equestria were chatting, telling war stories. The two brawlers whom everyone seemed to gravitate to were discussing philosophy, citizenship and art of all things. Celestia did a double-take as she realized Blueblood was at the inner circle and hanging on every word.

Too bad we can't keep them, Celestia thought, Let them deal with the nobles. She sighed wistfully at the mental image of Golden Scales dealing with either of the shield bearer, or the 'Knight of the Spit Curl'.

Two of the others, the tall coyote and equally tall rabbit were 'torturing' Twilight, they stood in front of the door, discussing some practice of magic or technology, and just as they got to a key part, they fell silent, as if they'd moved out of hearing range. Stomping of hooves could clearly be heard despite the privacy spells.

One or two in containment, especially the one dressed all in question marks, seemed to be taking notes and drawing sketches of the ponies, and their environs. She was glad that they seemed to be focusing their future intentions on more legal activities.

The little set of hoplite armor diligently monitored the containment field he/it had cobbled together in the workshop. They assured me they could handle his plan to 'blow up the moon' once they got back to their homeworld, Celestia thought, but remained concerned. She headed over towards the buffet table and noted the pair hanging from the ceiling. Odd, lots of animals, but no pony breeds, or humans. Very odd.

"And are you enjoying yourselves?" Celestia asked.

Despite playing the taciturn and uncaring one, he still stayed near the food, Celestia noted of the somber creature.

"Great spread your highness. Most vegetarian stuff is pretty bland," the other, more brightly colored one said.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it," she replied, and suppressed the urge to swat him with a broom.

Spiders, she thought and suppressed a shiver, I greatly prefer bats. She noted the other ceiling hanger gave him a glare.

"Ah, good evening again, Your Highness," the kangaroo said.

"You can call me Celestia, you don't have to be so formal," she assured him.

"Good luck with that," came the comment from the ceiling.

Both she and the kangaroo had the same expression of exasperated fondness. "They grow up so slowly sometimes."

"Indeed." The huge bear lumbered over, still in his tuxedo. "I am glad your mages said that we just have to all leave here, but we can go other places. I will appreciate his help, especially dusting under the piano." The bear smiled at the kangaroo's praise.

Both ceiling clingers unceremoniously descended to a heap on the floor. Many of the others wandered over to watch the 'theater'. "Can I have a word with you?" the somber one asked the kangaroo.

"Sir, after having my employer's home invaded several times," the kangaroo said and glanced at the containment field, "A more proactive reaction would be most useful. Besides, he wants to be let alone. That is generally the condition I find myself in. When not patching holes and cleaning up curious stains from clothing and carpets."

The 'Knight of the Spit Curl' snickered. So did the tall, bipedal rabbit. The hyena in the suit in containment took one look and fell over laughing hysterically.

"Please take it outside," the bear said very carefully, "Or I shall help."

"Less evocative, but does say essentially the same thing," the kangaroo said.

The chuckling of old friends and battle-forged comrades did nothing to help.

"Well, with that decided, I think we can begin shuttling you back to your homes," Celestia said, "And I promise, Twilight will not be poking holes in the walls between reality any more."

Most thanked her and nodded.
------------------------------

Armor had checked in on the many wounded, although Blueblood's staff had denied him entry. He limped a bit as he walked beside Cadence, who favored her right rear hoof. Her guards seemed similarly battered. All of them had the grim expressions of people who'd seen a bit too much.

"I think I have lost my taste for practical jokes," Light Song said, "I just want to get you home safely, then fortify the doors and windows."

"Use my pancakes, they'll stop a battering ram," Bright Treasure said and glanced at her horn, "I still smell burnt horn."

"Probably me," Cadence said, "Stopping our friends from fighting each other so we could fight the bad guys kind of wore me out." She glanced over at Armor. "I think you'll need to talk to Twilie, in the middle of an eleven-way battle is not the time to be asking questions and taking notes. No matter what she cast the spell for in the first place."

"You saw her mane?" Armor glanced over and said, "I don't think the brain was in the same world as the rest of her."

They entered the apartment to the welcome smell of breakfast. All of them sighed with gratitude and happiness.

"Thank you, Parasol," Cadence said.

Percy hugged them and issued them to the table. Several of the guards just dropped onto the couches in the living room.

"A letter," Parasol said and glanced at Percy serving the returnees.

"Sorry for eating your breakfast," Armor said on spotting Parasol, "I think Percy saw us, and made a connection he shouldn't have. They did warn us about that."

"I can cook more," Parasol said, she looked at the group. On her way to close the door she asked, "What happened?"

"What didn't happen?" Lonely Tear asked and ruffled her rainbow colored wings, "This will wash out, eventually."

Parasol stared as Cadence opened the letter.

" 'Dear Princess Celesta,"

"Why's it addressed to us, Shining?" she asked, Shining shrugged as he ate his toast.

" 'I would like to transition from lease to purchase the white alicorn I've been trying out. She seems a diligent worker -'" Cadence snickered. "If you only knew."

Armor nodded.

"' and seems to subsist on ORGASMS!'" Cadence exclaimed.

Armor spat out the coffee he was drinking onto the table. Percy wiped it up with a potholder and looked at him strangely. Armor returned the strange look. "They couldn't have gotten in here," he assured Cadence.

Cadence steadied herself and continued, " 'She seems to be thriving now that she's getting 80 to a 150 per session.'" The guards, now wide awake, and Parasol wandered over to listen. Percy stood there watched them carefully.

Cadence looked at Armor. When he nodded, she continued. " 'The Pink one I purchased earlier is somewhat more troublesome, but I suspect it is not her fault. To avoid confusion and performance anxiety with her companion, I have not begun servicing her myself as I purchased her as a LAYING HEN'?!" Cadence said and looked at Armor who shook his head.

"Too subtle," he commented on their former chief suspect.

Cadence crossed her eyes at the idea of any of those beings remaining in the same room as the word 'subtle'. 'Celestia' she mouthed, and smiled at Armor's answering evil-grin. " 'Per the manual, I also purchased a Studly Stallion - '"

"WHAT!?" Armor raised up and stared over her shoulder. " ' - a Studly Stallion to ensure a good supply of eggs, but none yet." He looked over his shoulder at Parasol and the guards. He smirked as he read, " 'Also following the troubleshooting guide, I purchased Pack of Friends (with removable armor) and a Fluffy Pony, each of which is supposed to enhance the quality and quantity of eggs, yet nothing. Not even with five mares to choose from."

Spring Forest ruffled her wings, but stayed quiet. Light Song began searching the furniture for other 'surprises', but had started giggling quietly.

Armor continued to read along with Cadence, " 'He displays all the behaviors that the manual describes, but no eggs. Perhaps he was 'fixed' before shipment, or he's had his polarity reversed. In either case, I don't want to saw him in half and count his rings to determine which. I've heard that lifting his tail and inserting a long screwdriver will let me tighten his mainspring. Please verify the veracity and effectiveness of this process.'"

Cadecne glanced at Armor. "Nope," Cadence said, earning a hurt look from Armor. Armor stared at the paper seeking some clue to its origins.

Cadence steadied herself and continued reading, " 'The other reason I suspect the Studly Stallion is the problem is that my neighbor purchased a blonde-maned one of the same batch, their lot numbers are the same. While that Studly Stallion fights with other stallions, preens and poses as described, when my friend put a mirror in his enclosure, she started getting an egg every other day, and two on Sunday.'"

"They're for her," Armor said.

Cadence struggled, desperately struggled not to laugh. But it was that or squeeze her brain out her ears. She laughed hysterically, pounding the floor, gasping for breath, only to start laughing some more.

Armor took the opportunity to finish the breakfast before him, and Cadence's. "Studly stallion," he muttered.

"Somepony's either a genius, or a madmare," Parasol said as she picked up the letter. The guards agreed.

"You have no idea," Light Song said.

" 'This is all very distressing,'" Parasol read aloud, " 'I am a big fan of your products, but this last purchase has been nothing but trouble.

Signed,

By the Grace of Dog, Protector of the Shif, His Imperial Aquatic and Dyslexic Majesty Ursine IX of Greater United Equestria and the Sandwich Islands, Stevedore of Dragonhome, Defender of Peoples' Democratic Republic of Upper and Sideward Suburbia, Inflictor of Maggots to the Electors of the Holy Canine Catiphate, Chief Cook and Bottlewasher of the Ochlocracy of the Griffons, Salter to Taste for the High Bishop of Lower Mediocracy, and Patent Pending Esquire.'"

Lonely Tears glanced around. "You can patent being a lawyer? Do the lawyers know this?"

Parasol glared at her. "I don't think we should tell her Majesty about this." She glanced at Percy and waggled her eyebrows at the guards.

"Any other day," Armor said, "I'd say she wrote it."

"Before today, I'd swear Blueblood was a more likely pony author," Cadence said as she rose from the floor. "Equally unlikely."

Light Song looked around sheepishly. "Do we tell anypony about this?"

Everypony shouted together, "Absolutely not!"

The normally implacable mare was hiding under the sofa in the living room.

Parasol started to snicker as she watched the guards trying to coax their defacto leader out of hiding. "Pack of Friends with detachable armor." She started laughing as the guard climbed out covered in dust bunnies.

Light Song sneezed, covering two of the other three in bits of fluff.

"At least I'm not a 'Fluffy Pony'," Bright Treasure replied, and quit grinning as the trio advanced on her.

Armor rolled his eyes as he pulled the sticky tape from the cabinet and began using the tape and magic to collect the dust bunnies off the guards. Cadence and Parasol were soon helping him. Percy got the trash container as the tape filled up. "Eggs it is, I'll get that screwdriver and have your mainspring tightened into an egg-laying machine," Armor told Cadence.

"That is clearly not how my mainspring is to be tightened, Armor my dear." She landed a dust-covered tape ball on his nose, he blew it into the trash can.

Armor looked over the mostly restored guards. "Oh, this is not funny."

Returning from running a bath for them, "Yes it is," Parasol squeaked as she dodged a couple of wing buffets.

The others just gave up and started laughing.
------------------------------

Celestia looked at the scene in a viewing pane. She'd tracked the group to ensure that none of the recent guests had left any surprises behind. Milestone had watched, and would inform his Captain and Cadence of the scans and the reason behind them.

She cut off the scan and put a hoof under her chin. "I do wonder when I'll start laying eggs?"

"Perhaps when your mainspring is sufficiently tightened," he replied deadpan.

"Very good point," she said and grinned.

Milestone looked like he wished he was anywhere else. "But who wrote it?"

"Oh, I'll get to the bottom of that," Celestia said and grinned again.

Dread suffused Milestone's entire being.
------------------------------

Solar Chaser woke from her rest. The guard in the observation room noted it. She'd schedule another interrogation for her in a bit, keeping her on an utterly irregular wake-sleep cycle destroyed the pet-killer's ability to dissemble.

She noted the pegasus had frozen and was staring in utter terror at the one-way mirror.

Then Solar started screaming, raced out of the bed and battering herself against the window.

The police mare sighed and called for security. Once she had a few officers and orderlies, they subdued and then sedated the pegasus. While the doctors checked over the prisoner, the surveillance officer got to where the pegasus was when she'd freaked and looked in that direction.

Just atop the bedpost, out of sight of the mirror was an avocado, cut to look like it was grinning. Like a well done jack-o'-lantern for Nightmare Night, the grin disturbed the police mare but she ordered it removed for testing. She looked over at the sedated pegasus and wondered why she'd freaked at the 'jackocado'.

"Maybe we finally drove her nuts?" one of the officers offered.

The police mare nodded and went back to waiting for her prisoner to wake up.