Step Four: Milk Maids

By now, you’d think Twilight would have been driven insane by her talking ass. If you don’t think she was, that probably means her ass drove you insane, and not in the harmlessly lusty way either. Sicko.

“MY ASS IS DRIVING ME ALL TWENTY-ONE FLAVORS OF FUCKSANITY,” Twilight shouted.

Spike merely rolled his eyes. “I thought you were researching some kind of stupid spell to remove the face on your ass.”

Twilight’s ass merely smiled dumbly. “I’m more th’n jus’ myagic, dontcha know.”

Spike smirked incredulously, looking up from his book, labeled “This Book Is About How to Remove Faces Off Your Ass (And I’ll Bet You’ll Never Read It)”. He closed it, thereby destroying any real resolution to this story. He did it because you sickos apparently want this stupid fic to continue. You assholes.

Twilight poked her ass on the head. Wow,writing that was a lot weirder than I thought it would be. “YOU are NOT MAGICAL. YOU ARE AN ASS. FUCKING BEHAVE LIKE ONE.”

That’s when Twilight’s ass had a strange thought. “I haven’t acted lyike an ass for awhile now then yet. What’s an ass s’posed to act like?”

Spike smiled. “Easy! You tune in to the Daily Show and just repeat everything Jon Stewart says as if it’s funnier when YOU say it!” He guffawed, slapping his knee. His knee did not like being slapped. It plotted its revenge. Someday, Spike. Someday soon.

“Regardless of whether or not Jon’s material works for everypony, what is it exactly that’s being suggested?” Twilight asked.

Getting a little more serious, Spike explained himself. “Basically, Twilight, if we can’t return your ass to normal, we should teach it to at least pretend it’s a real ass.”

Twilight pursed her lips and stared at the ceiling. She hmmmed a bit. Her ass hmmmed too, which felt weird for Twilight. It was as if her entire lower half began to vibrate, like a pager going off. Feeling her ass vibrate only helped to make her even more confused about her sexuality.

Suddenly, because we haven’t seen any of the other Mane Six in this fic yet, Fluttershy came in dressed like a milk maid. Spike and Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Sparkle’s ass wore bemused facial expressions. On their faces.

Fluttershy immediately leapt to Twilight. “Twilight!” she pleaded. “You HAVE to help me! I just realized we’re in one of THOSE fics!”

Twilight decided to try and play dumb, sitting down to hide the face on her ass. “Wh-What kind of fics is this?”

“The kind where Rainbow Dash develops a quirky perverted fetish and is currently trying to get me interested in it!”

Just then, they heard Rainbow Dash’s familiar voice singing from outside. “Hey, Fluttershy! I found the sour cream and the corduroy pants! We’re all set!” Fluttershy whimpered and looked into Twilight’s eyes, trying to appeal to any humanity she may have held.

Except she didn’t possess any humanity, as she was not human. She possessed ponynity. That quality of cartoon ponies that sympathizes with others—especially if their best friends suddenly decided to shag them with sour cream for no thoroughly-explained reason.

Twilight nodded. “OK, Fluttershy, hide, I’m going to try to convince Rainbow Dash to leave.” She looked to Spike and motioned with her head to have him lead Fluttershy to safety. But Spike was stupid, so he shoved Fluttershy in between some books. Twilight shrugged. “Eh, it’ll have to do.”

So Twilight got up and answered the door. Outside, Rainbow Dash was wearing a pair of corduroy pants on her head and had a sour cream beard. For a few seconds, Twilight had absolutely nothing to say. “Ask her what she’s doing here,” her ass whispered.

“Is your ass talking?” Rainbow Dash asked, tilting her head.

“N-No, it isn’t,” Twilight lamely lied.

Rainbow Dash blinked. “It so is. I heard it.”

“No you didn’t! I just... farted.”

“Your farts can form words?”

Twilight looked about. “… Yes?” she said, smiling insecurely.

Rainbow Dash stared her down. The situation was becoming too hilarious for Spike. His face was contorting into a mix of confusion and laughter as he tried to keep his guffaws to himself.

Rainbow Dash broke her staredown. “Well, OK, then. That’s pretty hot, by the way.” Twilight seemed taken aback by her friend’s casually kinky comment. “But I’m here for Fluttershy.” Rainbow Dash leaned in to Twilight and winked. “She’s gonna be the milk maid.”

Twilight’s insecure smile doubled in insecurity for a few seconds. “WELL! She isn’t here,” said Twilight.

Said Rainbow Dash, “Yeah she is. I saw her fly in through the window.”

Said Twilight, “She flew out when you stopped to knock on the door.” She hoped that would have been a sufficient lie.

It seemed to have worked. Rainbow Dash merely nodded. “Did you see which way she went?”

“She headed off in the direction of the Great Big Super Death Drop Where You Might Just Lose All Your Legs Gorge,” Twilight said.

“Awesome! I like it rough,” Rainbow Dash purred. With that, she took off in the direction of one of the most hideously dangerous places in Equestria, equipped with nothing besides her pants, lust, and sour cream beard.

Twilight closed the door. Her ass called out to Fluttershy. There was no way for me NOT to snicker at writing the previous sentence.

“Hey, Fluttershy, we made the pyervert go a-way-way, now, doncha know. You ‘kin come out now.”

Fluttershy fell off the shelf. “Thank you,” she said, getting up and straightening out her dress. “Is it OK if I stay here a little longer, though? In case she comes back?”

“Sure,” Twilight said. Her stomach began to growl.

“Lunchtime!” Spike declared.

As they got their lunchy things out to eat, Twilight’s ass once again began to protest. “Y’know Twilight, howcome you get all th’ tasty stuff while I have to do th’ pooping?”

“Because I’m the face, and you’re an ass.”

“Well, f’r once, I’d like t’know what fyood tastes like, doncha know!”

Spike got a great idea. “Well, why not?” he asked. Fluttershy nodded and got her spoonful of oatmeal to the ass’s mouth. Twilight felt the spoon going in her ass and—

—holy shit, it’s chewing.

Fluttershy suddenly stopped. She glared at me and threw the spoon at my face for leaving this scene in despite my promises of editing it out. She growled. “This is one of THOSE fics too, isn't it!” she bellowed. “One of those fics where we all do bizarre and disgusting things to each other so some sickos on the Internet can jerk off to it! Well I am NOT going to be apart of this madness!”

Fluttershy took off her milk maid costume and threw it on the floor in disgust. She began to stomp around the library, roaring and ranting about everything. “The writing style is atrocious, half the jokes are nonsensical, and the other half is completely disgusting! Do you guys even understand just how much of my soul I’ve lost from even BEING in this fic? That’s five pounds of soul I’m never gonna SEE again!”

So, having enough of this fan fiction’s bullshit, Fluttershy made her way to the door. “If you wanna feed your own ass so you can poop out your mouth later, that’s perfectly fine by me! But I’m not gonna be around when it happens!”

“That’s a shame,” Spike said. “It was gonna be really funny.”

Fluttershy opened the door. “Sure it is—TO A FOUR-YEAR-OLD!” She turned to the readers. “You should ALL be ASHAMED of yourselves! Putting fictional cartoon characters through all this crap! I mean, haven’t we been through enough?! Now you wanna see us do even MORE horrible things?! To each OTHER?! HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?!”

With that, Fluttershy walked out and slammed the door hard enough to shake all the books off the shelves. Before anypony could say anything, Fluttershy opened the door again. “And do something about your ass! It’s creeping me out!” She slammed the door again.

Before anypony could say anything, Fluttershy opened the door again. “And your choice in décor STINKS!” She slammed it again.

Before anypony could say anything, Fluttershy opened the door again. She glared at them all for a few seconds of awkward and uncomfortable silence. “It DOES!” she affirmed, then slammed the door so hard, it knocked the shelves off the wall.

Spike wanted to say something, but before he could, his knee got its revenge and got him in the balls.