It had been two days since Twilight Sparkle had learned how to literally talk out of her ass. Applejack had quizzed it to find out she was dumber than Twilight’s ass, which was not pleasant for her to know. These days, Applejack sat on a log outside Sweet Apple Acres, thinking over her pitiful life and listening to Simple Plan.

Twilight Sparkle began researching ways of removing the Second Face spell, only for Spike to keep talking to Twilight’s ass. As it communicated more with Spike, it learned a great deal more about the world, and became fairly educated.

“Pip pip, dontcha know,” it would say in an attempt at sounding smart. “Shut the fuck up,” said Twilight. “And get that goddamn monocle off your face.” She blinked. “I mean, off my ass. And the bubble pipe, too.”

Twilight’s ass gave her sass. “I’m more than just yer ass now, dontcha know. I know how to do my nyumbers and letters. Five plus five is I before cheese.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. She then sat down on the floor in order to shut her ass up. It didn’t work. “Mmf mmf mngle bmff,” it said. If Twilight had only listened to her ass, she could have solved the problem of world hunger, which is what her ass was totally telling her. Unfortunately, the next time Twilight stood up would be after her ass had forgotten the answer. Why are you still reading this? And why am I writing it?

Suddenly, in came Applejack, dressed in a depressing black, her hair dyed a black, and her black was blacked black. At first, Twilight thought Applejack had lost her shadow. That’s how black she was. “MAH LIFE IS A LIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE” she whined.

Twilight scowled. “Honey, you don’t KNOW what a lie IS until you’ve had your ass talk back to you.”

Applejack tried cutting her wrist using a nearby book. “But I’ve talked to your ass. And it made me feel stupid!”

Spike shrugged. “So does reading this awful fanfic. Fife should be hanged by his testacles.”

Applejack whined some more about dumb she was, and how her life sucked, and how out of character that allowed her to be. As she complained, all the awesome was drained out of Twilight Sparkle and Spike. “This is byad,” said Twilight’s Ass. “I gotta do somethin’ about all this, now thyen yet!”

Thinking quickly, Twilight’s ass began complimenting Applejack. “Ya got a loving fam’ly, yerra hard worker, and yer head is like a swell melon, dontcha know!”

Applejack felt better. She began to jump and run around like she was stupid, because she was. “My head’s a melon! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!” Her teeth cheered.

The awesome returned to Twilight and Spike. Her ass breathed a sigh of relief, which is kind of like saying it farted in a very comforting way. “Oh, now thyat was a close one, dontcha know.”

“Spike! We’re awesome again!” Twilight said with a cheer. She decided to make out with Applejack’s melon head. Spike was awestruck by the sight of his sister figure tonguing a literal melon, since Applejack was a registered Republican and therefore couldn’t be caught kissing another mare. Applejack in fact ceased to exist. And so did the Republican party. REALITY SUBTEXT! REALITY SUBTEXT!

Spike flipped on some ZZ Clop and began to air guitar in celebration of his own awesomeness, Applejack’s melon head, Twilight’s ass, and the Republican party. He suddenly sprouted a beard. All was well.

Please stop reading this fic. Save yourself. It's only going to get worse. Pinki Pie takes a shit in the next chapter. On Fluttershy's face. Seven times. That's all it is. So stop reading. Please?