Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

First published 16th of December, 2013

Princess Celestia sends Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville to learn about friendship. This is going to be fun!

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship.

This is going to be fun!

A spinoff of Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student by milesprower06.

Friendship Is Magic, Part 1

Author's Notes:

If you've read the original letters (And let's face it: If you're reading this without heaving read those first, you're kind of an idiot), you may have noticed my great love of writing responses.

This was the next logical step.

Of course, if you haven't read the originals, you may begin here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I think you ought to be grateful I'm letting you go anywhere on your own. Given how many times I've had to ground you for being a bitch, you don't deserve to make any friends at all. Oh, yes, and I've provided you with more knowledge and wisdom than most other ponies could ever dream of.

And the fate of Equestria? Admit it, you just want to be immortalized in statues and glass panes.

It's too bad the first pony you met had to be a junkie, though. Of course, you'd recognize a junkie when you saw one. I don't think I've ever met a pony who could put up with you without being higher than Cloudsdale.

And to be honest, I hope all those apples ended up giving you an eating disorder. It would make life so much easier for all of us. Also, if you have a picture of your mane after your encounter with Rainbow Dash, I'd love to have a copy. Or ten.
And then there was that hot decorator. Given how skilled she is at using her beauty to manipulate the hearts of ponies, I'm not surprised she seduced the dragon. Sadly, you not only lack her sexiness, but you treat everypony like dirt and expect to be treated like a princess.

Hell, your constant attempts at getting laid have scared off more rock bands than I care to count. Sadly, this means I have to get shitty music from animals, which you won't try to drag off to your bedroom.

I hope.

And now you're sleeping at your own party?! I just gave you a golden opportunity to get people to worship you and you just go and waste it?! At this point, I actually hope Nightmare Moon banishes me. Anything is better than listening to your inane bitching.

You're welcome.

Your faithful(?) teacher, Princess Celestia.

Friendship Is Magic, Part 2

Author's Notes:

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Ugh. I was having such a wonderful time banished to the sun. Peace and quiet, and no Twilight.

Oh well. If anything, I now have one more thing I can put on my petition to ban the Filly Decimal system. Druggies really have their uses.

And I've noticed that the royal guard kind of sucks. In fairness though, anything that's capable of taking down a full-grown alicorn is probably not going to be fazed by a couple of guards. Of course, this begs the question as to exactly why we even need a guard in the first place.

Oh yeah, that reminds me: you're actually right. Your brother was, and still is, making sweet, sweet love to your foalsitter. Hopefully that should be enough to scar you for life.

Anyway, I was hoping that your quest to find the elements in the deadly forest would lead you to get mauled by a manticore, but I guess that those other ponies had to follow you in. I can't say I blame them, though; nopony in their right mind would want a bitch like you to be the one to retrieve ponykind's last hope for salvation.

But let's make one thing perfectly clear: Unicorns are NOT the master race. That distinction goes to alicorns such as myself. We're basically pony gods, and we rule over the whole world. So next time you go on about how an earth pony sucked at helping you, remember that you'd suck at helping us.

One thing that your letter has made clear, however, is that the drug problem is worse than I had imagined. Between Pinkie Pie laughing at trees, the rest of you being afraid of those trees (Seriously? Trees can't even attack you!), and that weirdo sea serpent, it's like drugs have infested every corner of the world.

Of course, your existence is more than enough to justify cutting spending on drug law enforcement.

And of course, there were the elements themselves. In an ideal world, Nightmare Moon would have killed you before you figured out how they worked. Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world, and you manged to use five random ponies to make my sister taste the rainbow. I'm glad I got back when I did, otherwise you'd probably try to kill her.

So, there we go. If you hadn't already decided to stay in Ponyville, I'd probably have forced you to leave Canterlot anyway. In any case, I'm not going to miss you. On the other hoof, your constant letters are going to be more than a bit annoying.

Then again, I might be able to have some fun with that...

Your former Teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I need a new student, so I'm taking your old Smarty Pants Doll.

The Ticket Master

Author's Notes:

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Well, you've only been in Ponyville for a few days, but you wouldn't believe how I've been itching to get you back for dropping out of school.

But first off, I'm seriously disturbed by the apple family. If I had known they'd end up like this, I would never have given them that land.

Fortunately, it seems your organic fax machine is working perfectly, especially if it can send you that invitation and those tickets to you and your friends (Yes, they shall be your friends forever and ever! Fun!) without burning them to a crisp!

Now let me make something very clear: I am not a troll. My father was a troll, but I am not. Troll-ness is recessive. Troll behavior, on the other hand, is dominant, which is why I really enjoyed giving you two tickets instead of six.

Of course, I'm sure you enjoyed being showered with gifts and favors like you're a princess. You probably could only dream of being fed infinite apples, having your own patch of dry land from which to watch ponies get soaked, force slave rabbits to clean your library, or get the sluttiest outfit ever so you can call stallions over to get you laid. For me, however, it's so much fun to watch as everypony chases you around after finding out you have an extra gala ticket.

Of course, all good things must end, and so I had to give you enough tickets for everypony (and fax machine). I'm so glad I could help your friends escape from that little hellhole.

Your faithful(?) Empress and Solar Deity, Princess Celestia.