Nigel M Chalmers groaned as he removed himself from the couch, standing up shakily as he attempted to restore balance to his aching body. It had been a hard night of celebration, toasting the ISA Director’s birthday and Nigel had gone all out. How hard you ask? Well, the only thing he returned home with was a set of well-worn plain white underpants, all of his other clothes disappearing mysteriously over the course of the night.

“God-damn, did I really have to hire one-hundred strippers for a party of sixty people?” He muttered to himself as he shambled over towards his fridge, doubting that he would ever be put in charge of a birthday party for a senior officer again.

Nigel opened the fridge door, bright light filling the darkened room. His eyes scanned the shelves searching for adequate sustenance, the fridge stocked well but nothing caught his fancy.

“Oh yeah!” he exclaimed jubilantly, his eyes resting on the plump form of a large slice of cheesecake, the baked delight covered with berries and syrup, the perfect after party snack for one of the Internal Security Agency’s finest. Nigel scratched his arse with one hand, the other reaching for his prize, located at the very back of the fridge.

“Come to Daddy, you delicious bastard!”

Nigel was about to ensnare the slice when he noticed a black spot on the back wall of the fridge. He looked on in confusion as the spot began to grow, the object increasing in size rapidly. With alarm he noticed that the plate of cake had begun to move towards the hole, pulled in by some unknown force.

“Oh no you Bloody don’t, that cake is mine!”

With these words Nigel called on his years of training and preparation, managing to latch on to the edge of the plate with a hand. This did not stop the hole however, the force it was exerting on the cake increasing. Nigel flew forward, his body colliding against the fridge. Still he refused to let go of his rightful treat, using his bare legs to try and leaver himself and the cake out of the hole’s grasp. This proved futile and the plate of cake began to be swallowed by the black hole, the anomaly now covering a good size of the fridge wall.

Nigel still fought it, eventually the hole swallowing his hand as well, followed by his arm. He had to make a choice, surrender his prize or join it in the black abyss.

“No, it’s mine, mine and MINE ALONE!”

He refused to give in, his body slamming once, twice, thrice against the fridge before his entire form was sucked into the hole into the unknown on the other side.

_______________________________________________________________________

Pain, immense pain, this was all Nigel felt as he regained awareness, his entire body burning as he flew through nothingness. It felt like he had had every single organ in his body pulled out and shoved back in wrong after being deep-fried in vegetable oil. ISA agents had been modified to withstand immense physical pain and this was probably the only reason why he didn’t pass out, a fact that he was not too greatful for at the current time.

Nigel did not focus on this as he was too concerned about the multi-coloured spiral that he was rapidly approaching through the black tunnel. With a ‘SPLORT’ he was flung through it, exiting out into…

A clear blue sky.

“FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!” was all Nigel managed to say as he hurtled down towards the earth, a city dominated by a fairy-tale castle below him. He tried to fail his arms, only for the pain to return so he had to settle for screaming curses as he descended.

‘SPLASH’

Nigel was submerged in water, having luckily landed in a large fountain In the middle of the city. Gasping for air he struggled to make it to the surface, only to discover that his limbs weren’t working as they should’ve been. Somehow he managed to break the surface, gulping down breaths of wonderful life-saving air as he rolled onto his back, floating upon the surface of the water.

“I hate my life” he moaned, simply closing his eyes and hoping that the pain would subside.

“What was it mommy?”

“I don’t know son, I think it fell from the sky”

“Is it another Changeling attack?”

“Did someone call a guard?”

Nigel felt his ears twitch as a multitude of voices reached them, something that alarmed him as he was fairly certain his ears weren’t meant to twitch. Opening his eyes he moved on of his hands to attempt to touch his ear, ignoring the spike of pain that this produced. As his ‘hand’ moved into his vision however, all ear twitches were forgotten.

“What the bloody hell is this bullshit?” he said to himself as he waggled the hoof in front of his eyes back and forth. The hoof was attached to a black hole-riddled leg, appearing to be covered in smooth chitin.

“I swear to God this better be a dream or else I’m going to bloody lose it”

Nigel made an attempt to move again, managing to reach a wall surrounding the water, painfully pulling himself up to look over it.

‘Well, there’s the proof Nigel ol’ buddy, we must have ingested every single narcotic in the known universe last night’

The sight that prompted these thoughts was an unusual one, a large crowd of colourful equines dressed in fancy clothes looking at Nigel in shock. Nigel stared back, the pain coursing through his body forgotten as he gazed at the unknown horses. After a few seconds he decided that they weren’t going away so he dealt with the situation in a calm and rational way.

“The Fuck are you wankers staring at? Fade back into my subconscious already tosspots”

With those words he fell back into the water, floating on his back once again, awaiting the end of this god-awful trip. All the voices had stopped, silence descending around the area of the fountain, a silence that was broken by a young male voice.

“Mommy” the voice asked “What does ‘Fuck’ mean?”

__________________________________________________________________________

Nigel had been peacefully resting for five minutes, the cool water doing wonders for his aching alien body before he was interrupted by the sound of flapping wings and clinking metal just outside the fountain.

“What exactly is going on here?” a gruff male voice asked outside.

“Something fell out of a hole in the sky into the fountain, and a few minutes later a changeling looks over the edge and starts swearing at foals” a female voice replied.

“Oi, Shit for brains, I was swearing at all of you, not just the children you harlot! And I’m I human, not a bloody ‘Changeding’ or whatever the hell you just called me, just go and off yourself, save me the trouble!”

Nigel was not in the nicest of moods, being sucked into a fridge, losing a slice of cheesecake and ending up in a fountain as a black-hooved thing surrounded by colourful equines was not his idea of a good time.

“Private, go and have a look in the fountain” the male voice commanded.

“Yes Sergeant Wind Sir!” a young female voice replied, her tone brimming with excitement.

‘No doubt a rookie, just what I need’ thought Nigel as a pair of immense blue eyes poked over the edge of the fountain, followed by a white muzzle. The pony lifted itself up onto the rim of the fountain, it’s golden helmet making it look like a Roman solider, except the Romans were smart enough to not make armour out of a weak material that an enemy could spot a mile away. The pony looked directly at Nigel, her eyes widening with fear as they spotted him floating on his back.

“It’s def-de-definitely a Changeling Sir” the Private responded shakily .

“I already told you that I’m a Human you sorry excuse for a barnyard animal” Nigel responded, the Private looking at him in shock “Now you get back down there and tell your stupid grass-eating CO that he can go and shove his pompous tone up his fat arse so I can swim here in peace, you got that?”

At his words the mare slowly removed herself from the ledge, disappearing from Nigel’s view.

“Um, Sir” he heard the mare begin “He told me to tell you-“

“I was listening Private, is there only one of them in there?” the Sergeant asked.

“Yes Sir!”

“Good, we should both be able to take down one Changeling, we’ll both fly up and take it from above, just remember that the Princess ordered any Changelings to be taken alive for questioning, don’t kill it”

“Understood Sir!”

“Oh, I wonder what they’ll try next” Nigel shouted sarcastically from the fountain “I really hope they don’t try to take me from above!”

“… Are we still going to do it Sergeant?”

“Yes we are Private, no Changelings going to better me!” The Sergeant yelled accompanied by the sound of wings. Nigel looked up at the two flying armoured-ponies above him with disinterest, no longer surprised at anything this world threw at him. The two ponies dived at him, no possible escape for the changeling-

Nigel allowed himself to drop under the surface as the ponies neared him, the two guards forced to hover just above the water as their quarry submerged.

“What do we do now Sir?” Nigel heard the private ask, the sound muffled by the water. Nigel allowed himself to drop, his back legs touching the bottom of the fountain. He gritted his teeth; this was going to bloody hurt.

________________________________________________________________________

Private Breeze watched the surface of the murky water warily, worried that the Changeling could re-appear anywhere.

“Do you think its dead Sergeant, it didn’t look too healthy before” she asked the officer beside her.

“Private, I think there’s a lot of things wrong with that Changeling, just keep on your guard and don’t let it catch you una-“

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Swift Breeze jolted back as a black shape launched out of the water into the Sergeant’s unprotected midsection. The roaring Changeling emerged hooves first, its forelegs winding the Sergeant while also simultaneously pushing the Pegasus guard back, the Sergeants body colliding against the wall of the fountain with a smack, small cracks appearing in the stone wall as the armoured body hit it.

The Private watched in horror as the cracks grew, widening until the wall could take no more. The force of the water broke apart the flimsy wall, unleashing a tide of water, as well as the Sergeant and the Changeling onto the main street.

“Yes! FREEDOM!” the changeling yelled as it clung to the unconscious Sergeant like a life buoy as the water propelled it out onto the street. It made it about twenty meters before the flow of water stopped, the Changeling attempting to get up. The Private watched as it made it half way before collapsing.

“BOLLOCKS! WHY IN THE HELL ARE MY BLOOMIN LEGS JOINTED THE WRONG BLOODY WAY!”
The Changeling yelled as it once again tried to stand, only to collapse upon its side.

____________________________________________________________________________

Curses, his entire master escape plan had been foiled by the fact that he did not know how to walk like a pony. Every time he attempted to stand searing pain shot through him, his attack on the armoured flying horse not helping the agony at all. He tried to right himself but just ended up flailing uselessly on his side, his unknown appendages seemingly rebelling against his desires. As he thrashed around fruitlessly the Pony Private fly down next to its Sergeant.

“Sergeant! Sergeant wake up! The Changeling is loose!” the Pegasus pony shouted as it shook the slumbering guard. Nigel ceased his attempts to right himself, the mare’s fears about him escaping almost making him burst out in laughter.

“The Changeling is loose? Dear god you thick horse i can’t even stand up, how am I supposed to escape?”

The Private bolted back as he spoke, the mare staring at him in fear.

“St-stay back you Monster! You won’t get to drain any love from me!”

“Okay,” stated Nigel flatly “Now I’m pissed off and confused”

“There it is Officers, it’s already attacked two guards!” the sound of a panicked mare’s voice forced Nigel to try to roll over to face the direction of the shout, but he once again was foiled by his alien body. Hoof beats sounded behind him, a large number of ponies surrounding him. Stepping in front of him was a white unicorn in ornate purple and gold armour, a more detailed helmet on his head with a large feather plume resting on it. The unicorn glanced at the unconscious body of the Pegasus Guard before Glaring at the Changeling lying on its side on the ground.

“You’re pretty brave showing your face around here after you ruined my wedding Changeling, doubly so when you attack a pair of guards in broad daylight in the middle of the city. You haven’t even disguised yourself, you must either be incredibly brave or incredibly stupid, and I don’t think you’re brave, so what have you got to say for yourself?”

Nigel looked up at the unicorn, his wavy blue hair looking more like it belonged on a deadbeat surfer than a military officer.

“Are you fucking high?” he asked, none of what the unicorn was saying was making any sense to him at all. The unicorn glared harder at him, the pony stepping closer towards the changeling, looking him over.

“Private” the unicorn enquired, his gaze not leaving the prone body of the Changeling “What did you do to him to make him unable to move?”

The Private shuffled on her hooves, glancing at the still-unresponsive Sergeant, two unicorns checking his condition.

“We, um, didn’t do anything to it Captain, when we first got here it was just floating in the fountain swearing at passer-by’s. It then attacked the sergeant, breaking the fountain in the process and when it washed out onto the street it was unable to move”

The Captain increased his glare “Why didn’t you escape Changeling? Answer me”

“It’s quite simple” replied Nigel “You see, I was a home crashing after a legendary birthday party when I felt a bit peckish. I walked over to my fridge to grab myself a nice slice of cheesecake when all of a sudden I’m sucked into a black hole that appeared in the back between the vegetable shelf and the drink shelf. The next thing I know I’m flying through the sky with my body feeling as though it’s on fire before I plummet down into this fountain. One thing led to another and now I’m lying here unable to walk because I now have four legs that look like black swiss cheese, resulting in me being questioned by a supposed military officer who looks like a druggie who probably has to fantasize about himself to get it up. I think that pretty much covers it, any questions?”

The ponies all looked incredibly shocked, staring at Nigel speechless. The pony Captain broke his gaze after a while and turned towards the shell-shocked Pegasus.

“Private” he began slowly “Are you sure nether you or the Sergeant hit this changeling in the head at all?”

The Private snapped out of her trance as the Captain addressed her.

“No Captain Sir! He seemed to be this crazy when we first arrived”

“Crazy!” Nigel yelled, annoyed that they were insulting him “I’ll show you crazy!”

The Guards watched on as the changeling proceeded to roll onto his back before waving all four legs in the air
“BBBBRIBIT Justin Beiber is a good singer WORPRORPROPROPROP I totally enjoyed watching all of the Highschool Musicals WOOOOHHHH WOOOOOHHHH!”

Nigel stopped his tirade, his thrashing subsiding and he rolled back onto his side. The pony Captain turned to his subordinates.

“I think we better take this one to the Princess right away”

Nigel saw two of the unicorns nod before their horns began to glow, a tingling feeling flowing across Nigel’s body.

“He’s too heavy, we need more lift!” one of the unicorns cried, the remaining four guards and the Captain pitching in, managing to lift Nigel off the ground.

“Did you just call me fat you filthy Cur? Do you even lift? And speaking of lifting, why the Fuck am I floating off the ground, put me back down!”

“Stop complaining!” ordered the Captain as the group began to advance towards the castle, the insane changeling in tow.

_________________________________________________________________________________

“Are we there yet?”

“NO, FOR THE SIXTH HUNDRETH TIME WE ARE NOT THERE YET!” Captain Shining Armour yelled, the changeling having somehow managed to constantly annoy the group of guards all the way to the castle.

“Well, I’m sooooooo sorry Sir” the changeling began, causing Shining to roll his eyes “I really didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just a little put out about being FUCKING DROPPED ONTO SOME BLOODY DIRT-POOR PLANET INHABITED BY SOME INBRED TOSSPOT HORSES AFTER BEING TURNED INTO A FUCKING BLACK HORSE BUG! I WOULD THINK THAT THAT SORT OF THING WOULD PUT A SODDING DAMPNER ON ANYBODIES DAY!”

Shining flinched at the force of the Changeling’s shouts, but that wasn’t what had the Captain concerned. What had really shaken him was when they had passed a store with reflective glass windows that allowed the Changeling to see its reflection. What had followed was possible one of the freakiest things Shining Armour had witnessed in his life. The Changeling had begun to rant and rave about how it had a horn, how its eyes (Which unlike normal changelings’ were just like a ponies, the irises the colour of ice) were too large and most disturbingly of all when it had begun whinging about the loss of its ‘awesome hair’.

When the group finally reached the Throne room the two door Guards shot the Changeling strange looks before opening the doors, revealing Princess Celestia sitting on her throne, the Alicorn’s brows furrowing as she eyed the Changeling.

The group of unicorns released the Changeling causing it to land heavily on the floor in front of the Princess.

“Well fuck you too arseholes” it hissed through clenched teeth, the drop obviously hurting it.

‘Good,’ thought Shining, ‘maybe some pain would teach it some manners’

His hopes were dashed when the changeling looked towards the Princess.

“There is no way in Hell that I’m marrying that, I’d rather stick my dick in an anthill”

Celestia merely looked down at the creature with curiosity before looking towards Shining Armour.

“Captain, why have you brought this…” Celestia once again looked down at the changeling, the creature attempting to roll away from the throne “…interesting changeling to me instead of locking it in the dungeon?”

“You can’t arrest me, I ain’ done shit!” the changeling yelled, its attempts to roll away halted by three unicorns restraining it with magic.

“As you can see Princess,” Shining began, saluting as he did so “this particular changeling seems quite resistant to magic, as well as seeming to be absolutely mad”

“Oi,” the changeling once again contributed “Check yourself before you wreck yourself jerk”

Shining let out a sigh, a sigh that did not go unnoticed by Celestia.

“Was he like this the entire time you had him in custody?” the Princess asked.

“Believe it or not Princess, this is rather tame for him”

Celestia once again turned her attention towards the struggling changeling, the creature now attempting to bite its way free from the magic field surrounding it.

“I think it would be best if you locked it up in the Dungeon until tomorrow Shining, I will question him in the morning”
Shining nodded towards the Princess, the other unicorns assisting their Captain with lifting the changeling once more. The changeling refused to remain quiet, leaving the Princess with a parting gift as it was dragged through the doors down towards the Dungeon.

“I HOPE YOU GET FAT AND DIE OF DIABETES YOU SKANK!”