Two hours isn't exactly a record time clean up for dearly demented Dash, but to be quite fair, I had taken my sweet time picking this one apart. That horrid monster was even more monstrous than I, and that took skill. She had not only out-monstered me, she had offended me on a personal level. What she'd done to those poor colts and fillies left me with a bad first impression already. But the process itself...she didn't enjoy it as much as I'd hoped, so I had to work double-time and enjoy it enough for both of us.

Usually there's at least a muffled screaming, and some sort of resistance when I pull out the big knives. But all I got were a few tears that faded quickly. It was no fun at all. It was like she'd already repented before my performance had started, and by the time the first incision was made she'd already come to terms with the fact that she deserved this fate.

Such a shame, I rather enjoyed being able to watch as the evil left their dying eyes. I relished in those last few moments, seeing the repentance consume them as they settled down. But this time? None of that, not even the slightest bit. The remorse was already upon her. When they already feel the regret and embrace the acceptance before I even have a chance to start, it feels like I'm killing an innocent, which the Code of Firefly tells me to avoid at all costs.

It wasn't just me, the performance was a team effort. And if one of the players finishes their lines before the other player takes center stage, that's a bit of a lame performance if I do say so myself. I'd want my money back, except the players were also the audience, which I supposed made it easier to self-critique. Well, for one of us anyway. The other, clearly, was in no such capacity to say much of anything.

It was half-past two in the morning. I gathered up the mutilated remains in my industrial-grade saddlebags and set off outside.

* * *

I loved the skies. In the sky, I was alone. Nopony could fly as high or a fast as I could. I loved that when I was in the skies, I could be myself. No facade to put up so the other ponies wouldn't see me for who I was. No, I could just be...myself. Well, myself and the little Parasprite voice that lingered in the back of my dragon-brain.

It also conveniently so happened that the skies were the perfect place to scout out-of-the-way areas. The kind of area where nopony would notice, say, a dismembered body or twenty.

The population of Ponyville's recent suburb, Cadaverville, had a meager population thus far. Fourteen residents total, all with severe criminal records. It was quite a rough neighborhood, especially its location, which was the bottom of the gorge that surrounded the House of the Royal Pony Sisters, deep within the Everfree Forest.

Correction, make that fifteen. With a dull thud, Berry Punch found the last home she would ever need, alongside her kin, the other monsters.

With the knowledge of a job well-done, I flew back to Ponyville so I could report for duty.

* * *

My good friend Twilight Sparkle had asked me to help her start a makeshift Police Department in Ponyville. Technically, it was Celestia's idea - after our work using the Elements of Harmony to stop Nightmare Moon and Discord, she decided that it might be a good idea to work on a local law enforcement team. I had no problem with this - it only made it easier for me to get information and scout new victims.

Given my skills in motion, agility and choreography, it was natural that I'd be given the job of blood spatter expert; and the best part was, I could pin my intuition on visualization without ever having to reveal that I actually knew from experience. It seemed like a pretty sweet deal.

As the fastest flier at their disposal, I was also appointed as a field officer. I got to run around and hunt down the criminals. Same game, but with a slightly different outcome. I had no problem with this, unless the criminal happened to be guilty of something detestable and horrid, in which case I would have to painfully wait as the justice system processed them and eventually spat them out.

No justice system involving Fluttershy could ever have the death penalty.

* * *

When I reached the PVPD headquarters, I was greeted by my friends and co-workers. They were all smiling - not because they liked me, of course, but because I had brought doughnuts. It was a weird sensation, being temporarily liked. I wasn't sure I wanted to feel it again. I knew better than to think anyone here cared about each other, but if they were as good at pretending to be friends as I was at pretending to be normal, I couldn't complain. I could play that game, too.

The first one to greet me was Pinkie Pie, the only pony on staff who I knew sincerely cared about me. We hadn't known each other for particularly long, but I felt I could trust her. Given how few feelings I experienced throughout my life, it stood to reason that the ones that did crop up were worth listening to.

"Hey, Dashie!"

"Hi, Pinkie Pie. Anything new?"

"Well it sounds like Colgate just called in a cold one. But I haven't been there yet, so I wouldn't know."

"So wait...why is everypony here, then? And not at the crime scene?"

"Zecora got there first, and she asked us to hold back while she combed over the scene. It sounds like it's a really odd piece of work."

"And so you're just hanging out here until you get the call?"

"I might not even get a call. I'm the only one not on this case at the moment."

I felt genuinely bad. I cared enough about Pinkie to hope that she'd get what she wanted. In this case, she wanted to be able to investigate homicides, which was a steep deviation from her current job of 'morale-booster'. When she wasn't keeping everypony's spirits up, she was regarded as somewhat of a nuisance. Nopony believed her to be capable of any serious detective work. I knew better, of course; my Parasprite told me about her potential. I could feel it too - I could sense that she had good intuition and that her thought process worked more quickly and accurately than anypony else's in the department. Even more than the genuinely genius Twilight Sparkle.

I don't believe in wishing for things, but if I did, I'd wish for Pinkie to get the promotion.

* * *

We let an hour or so of happy doughnut munching pass. When all the doughnuts were gone, I picked up the box and went to throw it out. When I reached the trash can, I noticed that the box was like me. Empty inside. Before I could ponder this potentially symbolic notion, Spike marched in through the front door of the PVPD and reported that Zecora was ready for us to have at the crime scene.

"I'm just warning you now," he said, turning slightly pale, "...it's awful. Do guys mind if I stay here?"

"Go ahead, Spike," Twilight spoke up, "we'll take it from here. And Pinkie Pie...you stay here and hold down the fort, okay?"

Pinkie tried so hard to hide her disappointment behind that weak smile. She deserved better. I stayed back a moment.

"You go on ahead, Dashie," she said weakly, "they're just doing what they think is right."

With a slight nod and a returned smile, I followed after the crowd.

* * *

There's something disarming about the sight of a crime scene in as happy and peaceful of a town as Ponyville. It's like walking into a new and edgy toy store. Corpse R' Us. Colts, check out our sales on body bags, aisle 5. Three-inch rolls of Police Tape come free with every purchase.

We entered slowly. About eight yards in, we were greeted by Zecora, the local medicine mare who was now what you might call a lab tech. When she wasn't sweeping crime scenes for every possible detail, she was running all sorts of toxicology reports. I truly respected her proficiency at the job they'd given her. Although perhaps I am a bit biased. After all, Zecora shares my opinion on Pinkie Pie. As a level-headed and logical pony, she too was also able to see Pinkie Pie's potential in the investigative field.

"You should be careful going past this site, for it will give you quite a fright."

"I'll keep that in mind. So you're headed back to the lab, then?" Twilight spoke up.

"Indeed, my wise and studious friend, my time in this place has reached its end."

"Well, when you get there can you mix up something to calm Spike down? He seemed a bit upset."

"And I shall do just as you tell, for I do wish to make him well."

And with that, she was off.

Fluttershy was talking to the Mayor, which at every crime scene seemed to be her way of avoiding the crime itself. I had no quarrel with this method. At least she was able to do something useful. I wanted her to succeed almost as much as I wanted Pinkie Pie to succeed. She had been a classmate of mine back in Cloudsdale, and since those days I'd always been a big sister to her. I'd stood up for her numerous times.

Cloudsdale...hazily I was drawn back to those days...

My first kill, a bittersweet nostalgia gripped me.

This is not the time for reminiscing! My Parasprite whispered into the back of my dragon-brain. Eyes front and center, as always. The Parasprite never let me think about the past. Only about the future. What to do, what not to do. What will happen and what absolutely cannot. That was where my focus had to lie if I was to keep up this imitation.

Applejack came running back from the crime scene. Her face was pale and even her rock-solid applebucking legs were a bit wobbly. I'd never seen her so upset.

"Zecora n' Spike weren't kiddin'. This one here's a bit of a doozy..."

She looked up and noticed me.

"Rainbow, I'm just gonna throw this out there...we might not need'ya on this one..."

I stepped back a pace, "Why not?"

"You're our blood spatter expert. And, well...there's no blood here. Not gonna lie to ya, sugarcube, that makes you a mite useless to us."

No blood? This I had to see. I tried to ask my Parasprite what I could say that would get me in, but it was too busy having a fit of eager giggles. I decided to wing it.

"Is it okay if I take a look anyway? Just on my personal time?"

"Wait, you want to go in there? Well...ah s'pose ah can't stop ya', but ah warn ya, it's horrible."

My Parasprite was doing cartwheels inside my frontal lobe, and there was nothing I could do to calm it down except to go in and get the wait over with. I made for the police tape that surrounded the drop site, when I was stopped by none other than Rarity.

"It bothers me that you actually desire to see such a sight."

"And it bothers me that you agreed to join the team despite wanting to never see anything of the sort."

"But you seem to...enjoy it," her face contorted into a slight grimace.

"Am I not allowed to revel in an opportunity to put a killer behind bars?"

Rarity paused for a moment.

"You just...you scare me a bit sometimes, Rainbow."

She turned away and galloped off to speak with Twilight. What scared me was very different from what scared Rarity. I gathered a bit of fright from the idea that, among all the ponies Celestia picked to track down criminals and stop evil, Rarity was the only one with even the slightest clue something might be just the slightest bit not right with our favorite sociopath.

Perhaps I'd overestimated everypony.

I rather hoped nopony else desired to speak with me before I went in to see the body. My Parasprite had gotten bored with doing cartwheels and was now proceeding to drag race across my cerebellum. The intensity of the wait was too much for it. I decided to give it peace.

Slowly, carefully, I nudged open the gate that lead to the dump site in the back alley behind Colgate's "Dentally Challenged" tooth-care shop. Before me lay the unfortunate mare. As it seemed, all the scare was over nothing.

I thought it was beautiful.