Chapter II:Hall Pass

When my eyes stopped rolling in my head, I pulled myself to my hooves. "Everypony OK?"

"Yep, Sugarcube." "Okey dokey!" "Ready!" "I've seen better days." "I'm ok."

"I made it too. But I'm not a pony, natch."

"Oh, Spike, I almost forgot about you."(good thing I'm not the element of honesty) "I guess I'd fall apart in any school without my #1 assistant." I took a good look around.

We'd landed in a musty, old, ornate room. It was collosal. Very long. Probably a hallway. Tapestries and paintings adorned the walls, and we'd emerged from a fireplace. But the whole room was... wrong. The doors were far too tall. And the paintings. I finally saw what was wrong with them.

I'd never seen the creature in the paintings. Tall. Bipedal. Hairless. And the paintings stared back. I'd have sworn they moved. My friends seemed to be equally creeped out. We were taken out of our panic, when Fluttershy spotted a cat.

"Oh, aren't you just the sweetest thing?" The cat stopped dead at the sight of us.

"Fluttershy, allow me." said Rarity. "Aren't you precious? Come here, and Miss Rarity will give you a treat. Wouldn't you like that?" Rarity slowly approached the cat. When she was in range, the cat took off down the hall, yowling. With a small piece of Rarity's mane as a souvenier.

"COME BACK HERE YOU MANGY FLEABALL!" Rarity shouted after it. In the silence that followed, we heard a soft voice.

"Mrs. Norris, did you find a little student who's gone for a little walkabout in my halls? I do love me a chase." Measured footsteps came down the hall, followed by the thing. It was another of the creatures, with a stallion's voice. It's bipedal gait was jarring and unnatural, it wore tattered, ancient clothes of what I now know was hide, and it reeked of age, sweat, and its moldering clothes. We were paralyzed in fright.

"Oh, ho ho. Even better than a student. I'll have Hagridd's hide for this! Creatures from the forbidden forest in my halls! I'll bet that rotter Potter has a hand in this! Stay there, little unicorns, while I fetch the headmaster!" He rubbed his hands together with a mix of greed and malice in his eyes.

His... insane mumbling broke the spell of terror. Mustering all my courage, I swallowed the lump in my throat, and addressed him. "Excuse me, sir or madam, but my name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm not from here, and..."

"I'll say you're not from here, all righ... MERCIFUL MERLIN'S MOUSTACHE! You talk!"

The creature retreated down the hall. A moment later, it returned, having recomposed himself. "Eh-hem. And just what are you doing in my halls?" He tried desperately to regain his intimidating mask.

Fluttershy stepped forwards. "Oh, hi, my name's Fluttershy. We were just pulled here by a spell, you see. I've never seen a creature like you before, what's your name?"

"I am Mr. Filch, and you will address me as such! And, wait, what was that about a spell?"

I stepped forward. "My teacher, Princess Celestia, sent me a spell that teleported me into this castle. Her letter implied she was already here. If I did the spell right..." By this time, Fluttershy had coaxed Mrs. Norris out from behind Mr. Filch, and was scratching her on the ears. Rarity looked very jealous.

"A spell that can teleport into Hogwarts? The Ministry of Magic will hear of this, that's for certain." Filch muttered darkly to himself. "But let me take you to Dumbledore. He's been taking up with your sort more and more, lately. Just like the old days." He gave us a mean look. "I think there's a 'Celestia' around somewhere. Mark my words, this will all end in bitterness and ruin! Ruin!" He continued his insane ranting, as he led us down the endless corridors toward the headmaster.

Hogwarts was a labyrinth of twisting halls. We came shortly to a great stairwell with dozens of stairways haphazardly connecting the floors. It was lit, incompletely, by candles and chandaliers. While adorned with old, and very lifelike paintings, the drab stone, and the poor lighting did little to correct the oppressive chill and dank of the castle. It was night to Canterlot's day. Mr. Filch led us up several flights of stairs, before halting our group.

"C'mon! This is taking forever! Fluttershy could fly faster than this!" Rainbow complained to him.

"I must agree. All these stairs are wreaking havoc on my mane." Rarity added.

"Hold up a minute, little ponies." Mr. Filch said. "You'd be wise to catch your breath. We've got to wait for the next flight of stairs. Beyond that, it's only three more stories."

Everypony but Pinkie groaned. "Three more stories? You wanna hear the story of how Equestria was made?" Everyone, even Mr. Filch, stared askance at her. As she began telling the story of... something, the rest of us climbed the remaining stairs, with her voice echoing in the huge stairwell behind us. We reached the top, and Mr. Filch dropped his lantern.

"And that's how I got my cutie mark." Pinkie stepped out of a nearby alcove at the top of the stairs. "Someday, I'll tell you how Equestria was made."

"Gaaah!" Screamed Mr. Filch. He fell over, and was about to roll down the stairs. Rarity and I caught him with our magic, and stood him back upright. "How did... where... HOW!?"

Applejack punched him on the leg. "That's just Pinkie Pie bein' Pinkie. It's best not to bust yer noggin thinkin' about it." She guffawed, and the rest of us had a little laugh.

"I can't be rid of you ponies soon enough." Filch muttered under his breath. "Anyway, here's Dumbledore's office. Goodbye." He knocked in an odd pattern on the large wooden door flanked by sculpted gargoyles. From within, we could hear bars unslide, bolts withdraw, and locks click open. Stamped upon the door was a brass plate.
Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin
Headmaster

We encountered some resistance opening the door.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! CLUMSY SHITASS! MY FUCKING HEAD!" Sitting before us was an ancient looking man in fancy robes. Humans are hairless, but this one had a beard that more than made up for it. He was seated on an ascending staircase behind the door, and it looked like he was bleeding from a gash on his head.

"I'm so sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Fluttershy rushed forward to pick him up, and I helped her with my telekinesis. Somewhere, she'd pulled out a clean cloth that she was dabbing at his head wound with, flying to reach his head.

"Oh, talking MOTHERFUCKING ponies. You SHITTING must be with GODDAMN Celestia. Where'd my ASSHOLE glasses get to? Could you COCKSUCKERS help me find them?"

We were aghast at his language. Rainbow was the first to act. She got up in his face. "Where do you get off talking to us like that, chump! You're making Fluttershy cry! And nopony, and I mean nopony makes Fluttershy cry!"

"What did you say about Princess Celestia!?" A scowl set itself in my face, and I could feel my temperature rise from my anger. My mane was beginning to stick out, as my hackles rose.

"Oh, FUCKING sorry. I had some CUNT of Fred BITCHASS and George Weasley BASTARD's Tourrette's FUCKNUGGET taffy. The CAMEL-HUMPING effect will expire in thirty MOTHERFUCKING minutes. Countess CARPETMUNCHER Celestia's upstairs. Follow me FAGGOTRONS."

He walked silently up the stairs. From above, he leaned back around the corner, and beckoned us forward. I noticed with some relief that Spike looked very happy. Rarity had her hooves clamped around his ears. We ascended the stairs into the ancient, wood floored office.

Dumbledore was seated in his chair. Celestia was seated on some kind of comfortable looking beanbag chair in another corner, taking what looked like a nap. The headmaster was writing on a sheet of paper. He finished, and handed it to me. I read it, then read it aloud for the rest of the ponies.
Twilight Sparkle,
I can avoid swearing if I write what I'm going to say. So let me be brief. You can talk with Celestia after this.
Celestia has enrolled you six in Hogwarts for the next few weeks. I will use the Sorting Hat to place you each within one of the Four Houses of Hogwarts, each being an organization of about a quarter of the students. Afterwards, you may roam Hogwarts, and see what it is like for the average student. It is night right now, and students are not to roam the halls at night. You are to avoid the Forbidden Forest. You will pick up any other rules as we go along.
When we are done with the Sorting, you will be taken to your Dorms by some of Hogwart's Faculty.
Welcome to Hogwarts,
Albus Dumbledore

"What do you mean, you six?" Asked Spike. "Can't I learn magic too?"

Dumbledore placed his hand on the dragon's head, and sadly shook his head.

"Okay... what's this sorting thing all about?" Asked Rainbow Dash. "Wait, does that mean we'll get split up? Not. Cool."

Dumbledore's only answer was to get up from his desk, and retrieve a battered old hat from a glass display case. He placed it on Dash's head.

With my magic enhanced senses, I could hear it talk to itself. "Hmm, plenty of loyalty in this one, could be a good Hufflepuff. Ambitious too, but also brash. I think GRYFFINDOR! is the place for Dash."

"I don't know, guys, that brings up a lot of bad memories." Dash said.

It was clear that the rest of the ponies heard the Gryffindor part, anyway. Celestia began to stir. Dumbledore took the hat, and placed it on Rarity. "I wouldn't be caught dead in this old rag, if it wasn't necessary. Can't you just let me draw straws?"

"Tradition." Dumbledore replied. Looks like he could avoid swearing if he used single words.

The hat sat on the unsure unicorn. "Oh, let's see. Ah. Easy. You can practically smell the guile and drive coming off of her. This one is a clear SLYTHERIN!"

"Eugh. Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes! Hmm, maybe I can come up with a new mascot..."

Dumbledore took the hat, and approached Applejack. "Whoa, nelly! I ain't gonna let ya put that spooky old thing on me without a wrestling match." She backed away from him.

"Cmon, silly, it'll be fun! BLOOFLEBLAZZ! HURDLEHURG! You got to see what Dash and Rarity got, now we want to see yours!" Pinkie said.

"Well, when ya put it that way..." She slowly removed her stetson. Down came the Sorting Hat.

"Another toughie. Tough as dirt. But threaten her friends, and she is a mother bear. GRYFFINDOR!"

"Aw, I was hoping for something more fun." Said Pinkie.

"Looks like I'll be keepin' you honest." AJ said to Dash.

Dumbledore walked to me. I sat down, and felt the hat on my head. I could hear it speak into my mind. "Ah, and what do we have here? JESUS JONES have you read a lot of books. No question about it. RAVENCLAW!"

Dumbledore removed the hat a moment after putting it on me. "Sorry, Twi, looks like we are getting split up. I'm sure we'll see each other around." AJ had her hoof on my shoulder.

"And you still have Spike!" Pinkie said.

Dumbledore had set the hat on Fluttershy. "Impossibly kind. You'd help even your enemies. Let alone your friends. I think the students of HUFFLEPUFF will treat you the best."

"Whoosawhat? That one has the best sounding name so far! What was it again?" Asked Pinkie. Dumbledore had the hat on her head before she could get an answer.

"Fuck! What the fuck! Get me the fuck off! Nonononono!" The hat began to smoke. "Anything. Gotta get off! Can't decide! Too much energy! Gotta put her somewhere. HUFFLEPUFF! They can deal with her. Get me off! Get me off!"

Pinkie's hair seemed a little deflated, for a moment after the hat was removed. "Oh, yay! Hufflepuff! I get the coolest named one! Er, the other houses are fine, too. But Hufflepuff! And Fluttershy! Your auntie Pinkie Pie can keep you company!" Her hair had resumed its usual bounce.

"Oh, my. It looks like I'll be alone." Said Rarity.

I looked at Spike. He looked back. It was almost like I could read his mind. "Rarity, I'll send Spike with you tonight. I can settle in fine myself. Heh, heh. All I have to do is find the library, and I'll have more than enough to keep me busy."

"Oh, no, I could never impose like that. A lady never needs company."

"I insist." I said.

"If you say so. But what about writing to Celestia?"

"She's right here. I'll be fine."

"Fine. Spike, it looks like you'll be my assistant, for tonight, at least."

"Gladly, my lady!"

"And speaking of Celestia" Celestia chimed in. "I think you were promised an audience with me?"

"PRINCESS!" We all bowed.

"Arise, my little ponies. I trust you know what you have to do? And will be up tommorow, ready for a day of classes?"

"Maybe not ready for classes..." Dash murmered.

She looked directly at me, and licked her lips before continuing. "So, any questions, my faithful student?"

"Yeah." I said. "Why this world? Why this school?"

"Oh, it's quite simple, Twilight. Pheonixes are very rare. So rare, that when it is time for them to mate, keepers of them often meet from nearby worlds. Philomena is ready, and soon, Dumbledore's phoenix Fawkes will be. It is almost time for him to renew himself."

"All right..." I said.

"Oh, is Fawkes ill? Can I help?" Fluttershy asked.

Celestia laughed. It seemed crueler than usual. "Oh, Fluttershy. It's simply Fawkes' time. I think you know that better than anypony. But I'm sure Dumbledore will call for you if there's anything you can do."

"Oh, Princess." I said. "One more question. Where's Luna?"

Celestia looked taken off guard for a moment. "She's off... taking care of something important. It is night here, after all. I assure you, you'll see her... soon enough." She had an enigmatic smile at the end of that evasive answer.

"Well OK, Princess. Everypony, group together by house, and let's meet these Professors! Dumble... I mean, Headmaster, if you'd take us to them?" I asked him.

"My pleasure, DOUCHEBAG." He said.

"How about I do the talking, for now? I wouldn't want my ponies to pick up any nasty habits." Celestia had the strangest smirk. She walked downstairs, and opened the door. From below, I could hear her talk to some other humans. "Ah, my good professors. Dumbledore will not see you in his office, he is unable to speak at the moment. Magical mishap, you understand. I will send you your new students myself."

I could hear a deep, dark voice conspire down below. "Just one minute, you pastel painted cow. We must see the headmaster! Just because you have some kind of hold on him, does not mean you can trample all over us with your glitter encrusted hooves. We DO NOT take orders from you!"

"Snape, Snape, Snape, you think I would tell you to shove it without an order signed in triplicate? I'm sure this sheet of paper has exactly what you're looking for. No, not a heart, or your one true love, but Dumbledore's signature. He cannot talk right now. Seeing him is pointless. Now, I'm going to give you all a little gift. I'm sure you'll love it. Come down, my little ponies."