The Conversion Bureau – Mirror Match

A story set in Blaze's Conversion Bureau universe, By Silvertie

Chapter 5 – Roll for Exploration

“Thank Celestia, I think he's waking up.”

“Luna banish me, you've got one hell of a arm there, lady. Ain't never seen a man get his head rattled that hard since I danced the ring.”

I cracked my eyes open gradually, seeing a bright-yellow horse-like shape, and a teal-coloured horse shape leaning over me; I was lying on a hard, flat surface that I recognized as 'The Ground'. I reacted on instinct, and grabbed the teal one's horn firmly, and yanked the figure closer.

“Dammit, Dice! Why didn't you do something?!”

“Ex-cuse me?” a firm hoof pulled my hand off the teal unicorn, and the bright yellow stallion leaned in close. “I'll ask y' kindly to take your hands off m' wife.”

Two and two met in my head, and I double-checked the teal unicorn – contrary to what I'd thought, they were not Dice. In fact, the unicorn was a mare. So an apology was in order.

“Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone I know.”

“Do I get a 'Sorry', too?” M's voice echoed from above me. I sat up, and looked around.

If there was ever a toilet emporium, this was it; big toilets, little toilets, shiny toilets, matte toilets. The works. Gary and M were perched on toilets, using them as seats; Dice had even found a toilet designed for equines, and was using that.

“Why do I owe you a 'sorry'?” I asked, rubbing my jaw. “You hit me. Hard.”

“By all accounts,” the yellow stallion intervened, “You were all but askin' for it, son.”

“Yeah, but she didn't have to hit me,” I grumbled, “A threat would have done just as well.”

M snorted, and Gary nudged her. “Alright, pay up.”

The tall war-gamer fished a wad of money out of her pocket, and Gary chuckled as she reluctantly gave him the money.

Dice caught my confused look. “They had a wager running on how you'd react,” he explained. “M, seeing hope in your better side, opted to wager on you apologizing off the bat.”

The yellow stallion chuckled, and slicked back his golden mane. “Well, now that that's settled, I figger I should introduce m'self. I'm Buttercup, and this here's m' girl, Ironshod.”

“You sure you got it around the right way?” I asked, sceptically, as I clambered to my feet. 'Buttercup' had a build on his yellow-colored frame more associated with brick outhouses; and 'Ironshod' was a slim, teal colored pony, not too dissimilar to Dice; apart from her mane, which was a shade of grey that seemed to be where her name came from.

“He doesn't look it,” Ironshod remarked, “But Buttercup's just that – a big softie. And that's why I love him.”

“Aw, shucks,” Buttercup tapped the ground. “Anyway. Welcome to ButterShod's Toilet Emporium.”

“Ah.” I hadn't been seeing things. “So, you can have an emporium of only toilets, then.”

“Eeyup,” the yellow salespony nodded. “We were out fer a walk when we saw yer take that hit – good form, by th' way, miss – and we rushed over to help.”

“Well, he rushed in to help,” corrected his partner, “I followed to make sure you weren't going to beat him up.”

“Right,” Buttercup nodded, “Dice Roller there mentioned y'all were looking for toilets, and it just so happens that we run a toilet emporium for both humans and equines! How about that?”

“...yes. How convenient.” I rubbed my jaw. “It's almost like it was foretold by some hack author.”

“Hey, you get that feeling too?” Gary remarked. “I have that all the time, the way things just fall into my lap.”

“I disagree,” voted M, “Duke's got luck so horrid, it can't be written. Remember all the times he's failed to hit those big, easy targets? The +7 CRA on my Mage Hunter?”

“We don't talk about the CRA,” Dice and I said in unison, hoof and hand pointing at her like clockwork.

“Right, sorry.” M didn't look sorry at all, and in fact, seemed to be the complete opposite of “sorry”.

“Well,” Buttercup interjected, “We sell toilets, you're fixin' to buy. Let's talk shop.”

======

“...and this one is the most popular choice for Equestrians,” Buttercup greased, showing us a relatively bowl-like toilet. I looked it up and down. Like most other equestrian toilets, it sat a lot lower than a human toilet, sitting mostly in the ground.

“That's great, but... why? This is just like every other toilet built for ponies here.”

“Ah. Looks like it, doesn't it?” Buttercup motioned me forward, and I hesitated, my eyes betraying what I was worried about. Buttercup chuckled. “Come on, Mr. Roller. Have a seat, right over here. Get a feel for it.”

“Come on,” Duke stated, spotting my hesitation as well, “What are you worried about?”

“...you're just going to stand there and stare at me as I sit on a toilet? Without pants on?”

“Dice,” M raised a hand, and pointed at me. “You're not wearing any pants now. I don't think we're going to see anything we aren't already seeing.”

I blushed, and attempted to cover my modesty with little success. “Way to motivate me, M. Damn, now I know how Unibro feels.”

“Unibro?” Gary asked, then clicked his fingers. “Oh, that guy on IRC. The Unicorn... oh, right, he still wears clothes, huh?”

“Yeah – now I think I know why.”

“Well, that's not too much problem.” Buttercup took my place, and sat on it to demonstrate. “It's not hooked up, but as y' can see, there's a very shiny button here; give it a push, and...”

With a swift click, a small panel in the toilet popped open and retracted, revealing a small nozzle – I realized what it was.

“A bidet.”

“Exactly so, Dice. A godsend for us Earth Ponies who... well...” Buttercup coughed. “Let's say I pushed pretty hard to get one of these for m'self.”

I blushed as I realized the difficulties an earth pony faced in using a toilet or doing anything unsanitary in general, and thanked what lucky stars shone on me that I turned out a unicorn. I then realized why he was trying to sell it to me so hard.

“...you guys aren't doing too well, are you?”

“What gave you that idea?” Ironshod quickly retorted, “Why would you think that?”

“Miss Ironshod,” Gary stated, “It's fairly obvious your husband's trying to sell ice to Eskimos, here. Dice is a unicorn – he doesn't need to use his face to wipe his ass, no offense.”

Buttercup sighed, and sagged visibly. “Yer right. We're in the business of... well, facilitatin' business. And ever since that darned Bed Bath and Beyond became staffed by more machine than man...”

“Not a lot of folks want toilets, you know,” Ironshod said, “Except Chilli 'Con Carnage' Beans; that poor pony set up a weekly delivery for himself, apparently it's easier to replace the toilet altogether than to try and get the marks out of the porcelain.”

We all winced as we imagined what kind of forces had to be at work in a pony with with a name like “Chilli 'Con Carnage' Beans”, in order to leave irreparable stains in the porcelain. They didn't seem pleasant, and my own posterior burned in sympathy pain.

“Yeah,” Buttercup said, rubbing his mane. “Ain't pleasant. Keeps us afloat, though, can't ask for more'n that.”

“Why does Bed, Bath and Beyond have so many robots, anyway?” Ironshod asked my human companions. “Don't humans do work?”

“Oh, we work,” M nodded, “Just... not menial labour - this is an age of technology, after all. Oh, and I suppose you've seen more robots working than humans, because of the mass exodus to Equestria.”

“Although,” Duke pointed out, “It is a little odd, actually. I haven't seen that many useless robots in one place before – it's almost like they're trying to look busy or something.”

We contemplated it – Bed Bath and Beyond 'droids, up to something? The silence lasted about five seconds, before we all burst out laughing.

“Ha ha, right, right,” Buttercup chortled, “An' the newspaper office back home has a cannon to shoot things at the moon.”

“...does it?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well...” Buttercup rubbed his mane with a hoof, “There was a rumour that the 'daily offices had a 'moon cannon'; but those rumors also said somepony called 'Midnight Shadow' worked there, too – but whenever we looked, he was always 'out', or 'on th' moon'. So, probably not.”

“Oh, Equestria,” I chuckled. “What's it like over there, by the way?”

“Hm? Equestria?” Ironshod perked up. “Oh, it's just wonderful. The sun's bright, the sky is clear, the clouds are fluffy... heaven on earth, really.”

“Huh.” I leaned on a nearby toilet. “One day, I should move out there, check it out.”

“Careful, you might never come back! Ha!”

I laughed alongside everyone else... except Duke. He was looking at me funny, and there was a distinct lack of mirth in his eyes.

“What's up, man?” I asked, as the conversation about Equestria carried on in the background, Gary and M keeping Buttercup and Ironshod occupied with discussion of the land behind the omnidirectional magical barrier.

“I... I'm getting all conflicted, Dice.” Duke rubbed his arm anxiously, a sign I recognized as him having no idea how to phrase something. “I mean, you're me, and I'm you, right?”

“More or less. Why?”

“I... I have a problem. Equestria sounds like something I want to see. It really does. You know I'm telling the truth about that.” That was quite true – much like a 'future password', the one thing that only I could tell myself was how much I really wanted to go to Equestria – it had been a sizable argument for ponifcation in my mind. Which was why the next part was a stunner.

“It's just that... now I can't go there.”

“What's stopping you?” I blinked in surprise, baffled. How often did you surprise yourself like that? “We'll find a bureau and get you changed there; done right, it should be like nine hundred times better than what I went through.”

“But... I'm you.”

“I don't get it.” I really didn't. Before, we'd been running from a script, and I was able to guess Duke's next move based on what I knew I'd do – but now... we were off the rails.

“If I become a pony...” Duke leaned in closer. “I'll be the clone again! Don't you see?” Duke straightened. “Right now, I'm me, and you're you – I can't be the clone if we're totally different like this. But if I become a pony... I'm you. I'm the clone again.”

“Come on, man,” I gestured with a hoof. “Is that what you're worried about? That you're somehow less of a person for being a clone?”

“Easy for you to say,” Duke grumbled, “You're the original. We'd be both the same, from genome to jeans.”

“Well, we've got contacts who know stuff about Potion,” I reminded, “We can just ask them to track down a potion formula that will cause you to turn into a different pony from me. Bam, problem solved.”

“Really?” Duke nodded, and made approving noises. “I hadn't thought of that. That would be nice – anything as long as I don't become you.”

“That's a wee bit insulting,” I bridled, “But I get what you mean.”

“You promise to help me?”

“Why wouldn't I? You're my flesh and blood, literally - you've got my word,” I swore, holding out a hoof. “And you know what that's worth.”

Duke chuckled, and obliged me, and brought knuckle to hoof in a swift movement, sealing the deal.

“Our word isn't worth the paper it's not written on.”

======

We bid farewell to Buttercup and Ironshod, after arranging payment and delivery for the new toilet – M and Gary both yawned and stretched.

“Ugh,” M groaned, “I have work that needs doing. Don't wanna work.”

“At least your nanoware doesn't have this irritating glitch,” Gary gestured, “It just locks up every few seconds, it really pisses me off, and I can't work out why.”

“Uh,” I said, holding up a hoof, “I think we'll leave you two tech-heads to each other; see you tomorrow?”

“Oh, yeah, see you tomorrow,” Gary waved, beginning to walk away, while illustrating his programming hardships to M. I watched them go, and shook my head.

“Come on, Duke. Let's get home, we can hit Unibro up about the potion. I mean, there's practically one for every occasion – surely one of them will work in ours.”

I began to cross the street, and realized Duke wasn't following. I turned around.

“What's wron-”

WHUMP

Ever been hit by a car? It sucks. Very painful. I was fortunate that this time, the driver was doing their best to slow down. Even then, small equine body met luxurious silver-chrome radiator grille and bumper at something like thirty kilometres an hour.

I was a unicorn, but for a moment, I knew what it was to fly. That was a sensation that lasted all of two seconds, before I hit the ground and bounced. Horses might win in a car crash, but apparently Equestrian ponies didn't.

The sound of doors clicking, and pneumatics whirring echoed through my dazed head, as I struggled, rolling onto my side.

“Jeeves, you fool – look what you have done!”

[Apologies,] a voice intoned, [I did not process his presence fast enough.]

“Am I going to have to recalibrate you, Jeeves?” hard hands gripped my shoulders, and held me still. My vision stopped swimming, and I found myself eye-to-optical-sensor with a silver-chrome-plated humanoid head that didn't look too dissimilar to a mannequin, two small red cyber-eyes twitching as they examined me.

“Great,” I mumbled, “More droids.”

“Droid?” The robot moved back – dressed in tidy business-wear, he looked like a very shiny executive. The polished and sleek black car next to him echoed that sentiment – it looked not only luxurious and spacious, but fast as well; it probably cost more than I ever made in a year, easily. I thought I could see a humanoid shape through the tinted windshield – it even had it's own driver!

The robot cleared a digital throat, and continued. “I'm close, but I'm still technically a cyborg. But enough about me – you were hit by my car.” A chrome hand extended out to me. “Are you alright?”

“I'm fine,” I grunted, wrapping a hoof around the proferred hand, and getting up with the self-proclaimed cyborg's help. “Although I don't see how you can be a cyborg. You look all robot to me... no offence.”

“None taken. I've undergone a substantial amount of operations for me to wind up the way I am, and now it's all in the mind... or brain, as it were.” The cyborg bowed. “My name is Lexicon, and I am very sorry that we had to meet like this.”

“Darn straight, man,” Duke entered the conversation, having finally shaken himself to sense and caught up. “That was one hell of a hit. Although, you did get a lot of air, Dice. Like, ten feet, at least.”

“Please, I must make it up to you.” Lexicon, despite having a polished, smooth metal face, somehow managed to radiate genuine concern. “Perhaps I could take you to where you were planning on going next?”

“Well,” I considered Lexicon's offer. “Why not? It'll save us time.”

“Excellent. Jeeves, please open the door for our new friends.”

Duke and I watched as one of the doors clicked open, and shrugged, as we moved around the car, and got in.

======

“This is one hell of a seat,” Dice mumbled, bouncing up and down on the plush leather seat – I wasn't so blatant, but I shared his sentiments.

Lexicon just sat in silence as we watched him bounce up and down while shifting about, trying to find the optimal sitting position.

“I hope you're not too injured.” Lexicon apologized again.

“Not at all,” Dice dissuaded, “It's just that I've never... ridden in a car... as a pony before. Damnit!” The pony gave up, and slumped in the seat, hind-legs hanging off the edge. “I feel so exposed like this.”

“I'm sorry,” Lexicon apologized, beginning to sound like a broken record, “I don't have pony-friendly seats, most of my passengers are humanoid associates of mine.”

“What exactly do you do, Mr. Lexicon?” I asked, turning to my left to address the robot.

“Me? I am the owner and proprietor of the local Bed Bath and Beyond.” Lexicon placed a hand on his suit-clad chest-plate. “Among other things. I have quite the portfolio.”

“You?” I boggled at the opulently rich interior of the car – it had it's own mini-bar, for chrissakes, and could easily carry ten other people comfortably. “These don't look like the trappings of someone who runs a dying home-wares franchise.”

“Of course not. I played the stock market for a while, walked out with a sizable fortune,” Lexicon nodded. “I've got the body, I have the money, now all I need is the women, huh?”

The wealthy cyborg nudged me in the upper arm with an elbow, and I chuckled half-heartedly.

“Ha ha, yeah...” I coughed. “So, why take on a Bed, Bath and Beyond?”

“I felt like... a challenge. Yes, a change of pace. Know how hard it is to make a place like that profitable in this day and age?”

“Very.”

“Indeed.” Lexicon rested a metal elbow on his windowsill, and looked out the window at the passing suburbia. “Automation – everything has to be automated, everything must be perfect. Ponies and humans make mistakes. Machines do not.”

“Can you really say that?” I waved a hand, idly. “I mean, you were human once.”

“And I made mistakes,” Lexicon nodded. “But now, I am close to achieving perfection as I can. This is your residence?”

The car slowed to a halt, and I nodded as I looked out the window and saw my house, just as I'd left it this morning.

“That's us,” Dice confirmed, and opened the door with his magic. “Man, I need to get some pants or something.”

We got out of the car, and walked around it to stand on the sidewalk, as Lexicon rolled down his window with a quiet buzz of motors, and looked at the two of us.

“Once again, I am so very sorry about the hitting-you-with-a-car thing. Please, do not hesitate to think of me if you need a favour; I think I owe you.”

With a flick of his cybernetic wrist, Lexicon produced a small, cream-white business card, and tossed it to me; I caught it in a remarkable feat of hand-eye coordination, and the fancy car began to pull away, the window rolling back up as it drove down the street. I looked at the card in my hand.

Lexicon

Manager, Bed Bath and Beyond

Business: 555-7373

Mobile: 555-2939-484

Email: [email protected]

“What an odd guy,” Dice muttered. “Think he was up to something?”

“Think?” I shook my head. “I know it. We step out of his competitor's shop, and he just happens to hit one of us with a car? There's coincidence, and conspiracy. I think this is the latter.”

======

I sat down in my chair, and spun gently as it swivelled with my momentum, bringing me to a perfect halt facing my computer. A small icon in the corner of my screen blinked slowly, indicating that someone wanted to talk to me.

<@Unibro> DoUK, you there

I checked the timestamp, as Dice trotted over.

“Unibro again?”

“Yeah – good timing, too,” I remarked, and tapped out a response.

<+DoUK> I'm here. What's up?

<@Unibro> Excellent

<@Unibro> I just did some reading on magic training

<@Unibro> You probably want to work out the special talent of the trainee first.

<+DoUK> You mean what his butt marking means?

<@Unibro> If you wanna be crass about it, yeah

Dice's eyes roved left and right as he followed the conversation.

“Huh. What next?”

<+DoUK> What after that?

<@Unibro> Well, you play to your strengths

<@Unibro> Most unicorns can do any sort of magic

<@Unibro> But the ones related to their talent are the strongest

<@Unibro> Example: I heard of a unicorn who had one hell of a knack for engineering

<@Unibro> He could work metal with his mind

<@Unibro> But for everypony else, his techniques just didn't want to work as well.

<@Unibro> Another one I know, he had a knack for fire

<@Unibro> Give that pony a match, he gives you a raging inferno in ten minutes, somehow.

I looked at Dice. “What's your talent?”

“Don't look at me,” the teal unicorn held up a dismissive hoof, “I have two dice on my ass. That could mean anything.”

<+DoUK>  He says it's just two dice on his ass, has no idea what it might actually be for.

<@Unibro> Fair enough. I'll send a letter to Equestria, see if any of their Cutie Mark symbologists can work out what it might mean.

<@+DoUK> wait, before you go

<@Unibro> What's up?

<+DoUK> I'm thinking... I might want to be a pony one day. But I don't want to be Dice.

<+DoUK> Any potion formulas out there that might fit the bill? Ponify me, but make me different from Dice?

<@Unibro> Hm

<@Unibro> I think we've got one floating around here that you might be interested in.

<@Unibro> But there's a wee problem with it

<+DoUK> What kind of problem?

<@Unibro> Hmm. Well, I'll find it first. You won't wind up like Dice, though, I guarantee it. I'll talk more about it when I find it.

<+DoUK> Appreciate it.

<@Unibro> If that's all, I have a letter to write.

I pushed away from the computer, and looked at Dice, who was looking back at me with a mild expression of concern.

“Well,” the unicorn nodded. “Looks like you might get what you wished for, after all.”

I looked at my hands. Was it really possible? Could I find a new life as a pony without becoming Dice? I searched deep within my soul, and-

Thfffpphhhffffrrrt

My train of thought was brought to a screeching halt by one of the loudest examples of flatulence I'd ever heard... I sniffed, and retched. Add “worst smelling” to the list, too.

I looked at the source, a rather sheepish-looking Dice, who looked at his hooves and other things in the room that weren't me.

“Golly,” he tried to say nonchalantly, and doing a terrible job of it, “Who did that one?”

I fixed him with a glare, and he blushed.

“Yeah, I gotta go use the toilet. Get the towels and bath ready.”

Da BunnanaKing:

I want to visit this place.

Rainbow Dash:

Jameson. The official liquor of TCB.

Than you for spotting that one. Supposed to be Jeeves - Jamesons are older models.

Rainbow Dash:

*Krass xD

Rainbow Dash:

Ch-cherries?

Shhh. You'll give it away.