The Conversion Bureau – Mirror Match

A story set in Blaze's Conversion Bureau universe, By Silvertie

Chapter 3 – The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life

Things to wake up to: Gunshots, screaming, alarms of any description, sounds of grievous bodily harm, babies making noises, people saying “This is how you're going to die, Mr. Bond.”.

They are all horrible in their own way. But nothing trumps phone call, with body resting on top of you.

“Huhrhmmhurrfuggg,” I groaned, and reached out to try and silence my phone as it went off. Setting the ring-tone to “Fury of the Storm” might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but... no. It's not.

Unfortunately, I forgot the biggest development of my recent life – no hands. So instead of smoothly silencing my phone and letting it go to voicemail like I intended; my clumsy hooves merely pushed the phone off the side-table and answered it.

The phone bounced off the table and onto the carpet falling in that awkward space between table and bed, just under the bed enough that you can't see it without getting out of bed, but not far enough to actually make getting out of bed to get it worth it.

“Duke? You there?” Gary's voice echoed out of the phone.

“Yeah, just – fuck, give me a moment,” I shouted at the phone, and struggled with obstacle number two: Myself.

Duke was lying mostly on top of me,  and at some point, had contrived to wrap his arms around my neck; I was, essentially, being spooned with by myself.

I wasted two seconds getting my head around that fact. Then I elbowed Duke in the face.

“Fuck!” Duke relinquished his grip immediately, and recoiled instinctively. The bed wasn't that wide, so he fell off with a soft whump. I heard chuckling coming from my cellphone, and rolled off the other side of the bed with a second thump, taking the sheets with me and becoming an equine coccoon.

“Oh, we're sorry,” M's voice said, “I didn't realize we'd be... interrupting something.”

“No, no,” I called back, struggling to free a hoof and trying to pick up the phone with it. An encore of the hooves problem. I settled for pulling the phone closer and resting my ear on it on the ground. “Not interrupting anything.”

“Stop me if I'm wrong, Duke, but I heard two thumps, there,” Gary said, a tone to his voice which implied what he wanted to do was give me a bro-fist and call me a 'sly dog'. “Anyway. We still on for that game today?”

“Right,” I said, “Change of plans; wanna go to the movies?”

“Really? I'm keen... M says she is, too. What are we gonna see?”

“Suprise me. Let me know when you guys pick out the session, I'm just going to... uh... get cleaned up and stuff.”

“You're the boss, Duke. Catch you later.”

A click, and the line disconnected. I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. Duke got up from the other side of the bed.

“What the hell, Dice. You elbowed me.”

“And you were spooning with my ass,” I retorted. “I didn't realize I had such latent gay tendencies.”

“Hey – after you started licking my ear? I think we're even, dude.”

I blushed. So that hadn't just been a dream after all. I shuddered to think what Duke had been dreaming of, and remained thankful he'd slept with his pants on.

“Anyway,” Duke said, stretching. “What was that?”

“Gary and M. Had a game scheduled, remember? But I talked 'em into going to the movies instead with me... or rather, us.”

“So that's how we're gonna break the news, is it?” Duke asked, walking over to a dresser, and stripping off his sleep-wear and fishing out day-clothes.

“Might as well,” I remarked, feeling a little awkward at being naked until I remembered that ponies didn't normally wear clothes.

“I wonder how many people break the news to their friends that they gained an identical clone in the last... fifteen hours since we saw them last,” Duke mused as he pulled one of my – our - his shirts on. This clothing thing was going to take some getting used to.

“Oh, I have a plan,” I said, “Hey, guys. Meet Dice. He's me; I'm his re-life clone.”

“Whoa, hold on,” Duke said, “Re-life clone? They'll think less of me.”

“They shouldn't,” I countered. “But you're right. You think of a way to break the news without sounding gay. Do that, and... uh...”

“Yeah, can't really offer a reward when we both know the pin code to our bank account, and have equal ownership rights to basically everything in the house,” Duke shook his head and combed out his black hair.

I paid more attention to him; I'd never really considered what I looked like from the outside. I was a sort-of-tall person, too meaty to be thin, but too thin to be average-build. I'd never been fast or strong. Especially fast. And lifting furniture was an adventure in itself for Duke's body.

My face was unmarred, and thanks to my half-asian genes, largely hairless; I wasn't cultivating any beards any time soon. I used to shave every fortnight or so. Now, I guess I didn't really need to shave ever again.

I looked at my new body by comparison. Equine. No hands. But a lot stronger than Duke was. And I was a unicorn, so I presumably had access to magic.

An idea popped up in my head.

“If you can find a way to break the news without making us seem like we're boyfriends rather than twins or clones, I'll carry that bed we're buying inside, all by myself.”

“And if I fail?” Duke asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked at me through the mirror.

“I dunno... you crack open a tub of ice-cream for me or something.”

“We don't have any ice-cream.”

“Well, then,” I said brightly, “You'd better go get some, then. You're the two-legs around here.”

======

I considered the offer; Dice had a smug look on his face which spoke volumes about what he had planned.

“For the bed thing? No deal. We carry that together.”

“Alright,” Dice nodded, sitting down awkwardly as he worked out the logistics of sitting as a pony. “What's your price?”

“I get a pony ride.”

“Seriously?” Dice raised an eyebrow of his own. “You... want a pony ride?”

“Yes,” I decided. “I will ride on your back, and you will gallop into town, and I will swing that replica cavalry sword of ours.”

“Do you have any idea how humiliating that would be?” he asked, raising two hooves in exasperation, and almost falling on his face. “My price is practically peanuts by comparison.”

“Well, think about it over breakfast. Let's go.” I finished getting dressed, and made my way out to the lounge.

======

Breakfast in the Cooper household these days was almost ritualistic – Some say variety is the spice of life, and I am not a spicy person. A click of the fingers woke up my computer, and another woke up the other great digital love of my life, as I danced through the kitchen and over to the dinner table.

“Yo, Alice.”

“Good morning, Duke,” a cool female voice hailed me from the ceiling, “I see we have a guest with us.”

“Alice, that's Dice. He's... uh.” I paused. How do you explain a clone to an AI which is only partially-smart? “He's my... duplicate. He's a clone.”

“Recorded. Dice now has the same rights as you, Duke.”

“Excellent, start some breakfast, please.”

“Would you and Dice like bacon sandwiches, as usual?”

“I would,” I stated, but then looked at Dice, who'd turned a little pale at the mention of 'Bacon'. “Could we get a salad sandwich or something for Dice, though? I don't think meat goes down well with ponies.”

“Ponies are indeed herbivores,” Alice confirmed, “I believe you have some lettuce in storage.”

“Yeah,” Dice nodded, “Should be second drawer down, I think.”

In the kitchen, a small boxy unit moved along rails on the ceiling, telescoping arms opening and preparing food. The FoodPrep 6000 – I admittedly pinched it out of a mansion when housing started opening up. Wasn't amazing at cooking; probably just a little better than me. But the point was, I didn't have to.

While Alice sorted breakfast out, I popped open the chat program again. As expected, Unibro was there.

<@Unibro> Hey, good morning, DoUK.

<+DoUK> It's a good day to be alive, Unibro.

<@Unibro> Did you sort out that little corpse problem?

<+DoUK> Well, about that

<+DoUK> Can you keep a secret?

<@Unibro> Sure. I keep plenty of secrets, I'll just add yours to the pile.

<@Unibro> Did you eat it? I know a guy who's a pegasus, but he's just itching to get a taste of another pegasus' wings. Kinda creepy.

<+DoUK> No

<+DoUK> Turns out, I didn't die. Ponification worked, and now I have a re-life clone. Or am a re-life clone now, of sorts.

<@Unibro> 'O'

<@Unibro> Well that's a turn up for the books. You lucked out with that serum. What about pony-you?

<+DoUK> What about him? He's going by the name Dice Roller now.

<@Unibro> Is he getting out of town? You've said HLF's got a strong presence in your town, probably don't wanna hang around if you've got 4 legs.

I looked at Dice, who'd been reading the screen over my shoulder.

“You fixing to get out of town?”

“And leave you unsupervised?” Dice laughed, and leaned over to tap at the keyboard with the edges of his own hooves.

<+DoUK> has ha yh right nky gin dbsdere

“That was atrocious,” I complained.

<@Unibro> Ha ha, I see you're trying to type like a human, Dice. Are you a unicorn?

<+DoUK> He is.

<@Unibro> Magic is your friend. Now you know how I type so well despite being a talking horse.

I looked at Dice, who looked a little ashamed.

“Can you use magic?” I asked, and he shook his head.

“I can feel it,” Dice complained, “But it just doesn't respond. Figure I'm going about it wrong, anyway.”

<+DoUK> He can't use it yet. Any pointers from a pro like yourself?

<@Unibro> Yeah – you know Yoda? Star Wars Yoda? He had it right. Use the force, and it just... flows.

<@Unibro> It's not actually force, though, so don't try to get in sword fights or anything.

<@Unibro> Short of that, find a bureau, find whoever trains the unicorns, holla at them.

<@Unibro> If they want credentials or something, tell them the US Conversion Bureau 884 says hi.

<@Unibro> I'll hook you up from here

<+DoUK> Appreciate it.

<@Unibro> NP. Now, the Internet calls me.

“Sirs, your sandwiches are ready,” Alice announced, and the cooking droid telescoped over the dinner table, and deposited two plates onto the table.

One appeared to be bleeding translucent fluid through the bread, and be comprised of butter and bacon.

The other was comprised of suprisingly fresh-looking lettuce, and mayonnaise.

“When did we buy fresh lettuce?” I asked, curious.

“Probably that time we got hungry for burgers,” Dice recalled.

“Oh yeah. That was what, three months back? Thank god for chrono-storage bins.” I picked up my own sandwich, and bit into it; it was greasy, it was a sandwich, it was a bacon sandwich.

Dice just looked at his hooves, then at his own sandwich, frowning.

“This is bullshit,” he stated, then thrust his snout into the sandwich, doing his best to simply fit it all in his mouth and masticate it in one go.

I watched him eat for a moment, and marvelled quietly at his ability to fit it all in. The whole sandwich, just like that. Gone.

“That was...”

“Disgusting?” Dice looked a little ashamed, and wiped some stray mayonnaise off his snout. “Probably. I need to get that magic down soon.”

“I was going to say 'Impressive', but whatever.”

“Well, I-” Dice began, but was cut off by the sound of sharp rapping on the front door. I looked at my watch, which I'd fortunately not been wearing the previous night. Ten in the morning, sharp.

“Wonder who that is?”

“I'll get it,” Dice decided, “You finish your breakfast.”

======

I got up and walked away from the table – walking on all fours was a new experience, but it was something easily learned, thankfully.

I navigated the house to the front door, and looked at it. I swore quietly – it was a round doorknob. My eyes looked at the horn sitting proudly on my forehead.

“Come on, magic. Open that door...”

I focused on the door, and concentrated; rather than try to push the magic out like toothpaste, I decided to try drawing it out gently.

I was rewarded when a soft blue glow formed around the doorknob, and it began to rattle. I quickly stifled my cheer of excitement and focused on turning that knob.

With a wrench, the knob turned, and I pulled with my magic; the door budged about a fraction of a centimeter and stopped. My concentration failed, and the magic glow vanished, the doorknob snapping back to it's original position with a click.

I facehoofed – of course. Might have helped if I undid the deadbolt first.

“Alice! Open the front door for me, please?”

“Of course.”

A robotic arm descended from the ceiling, and with mechanical precision, undid the deadbolt and opened the door.

Standing outside were a pair of stallions; an earth pony, and a pegasus. The earth pony was a resplendant white, with a glistening gold mane, and a solid frame; as far as ponies went, he was a picture of health and strength.

The other one, the dark-brown pegasus with a black mane, looked thin, weedy and while eager and honest, just a little suspect. I would be surprised if that really was all there was to him.

Both were attired in simple black suits with black ties and white undershirts, and the pegasus even looked like he'd made an effort to style his mane; the earth pony just looked like that much class came natural to him.

“Hello,” the earth pony said, nodding his head slightly. I noted that his voice was rich, and confident; a snake-oil salespony if I ever saw one. “How are you today, sir?”

“I'm... good?” I raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you gents? Are you lost?”

“Of course,” the earth pony said, nodding again. “I am Illuminating Shield, this is my friend, Chocolate Cake.”

“Pleased to meetcha,” Chocolate said, nodding. I eyed him warily – he not only looked like a shifty bastard, but he sounded like one, too.

“And I'm not interested in whatever it is you're selling,” I replied, and made to close the door. Shield put a hoof up in protest, conveniently stopping me closing the door.

“Don't be so hasty, friend! We've noticed you're a new pony in this neighborhood, and we thought you'd stop by; after all, we equestrians have to stick together, right?”

“Friendship is magic, and all that,” Cake added.

“Right,” I said, “So...”

“Ah, I see you're skeptical of people showing up on your doorstep and offering friendship just like that; it's a human thing, don't worry - it'll pass with time,” assured Shield, lowering his hoof. “Just hear our offer out.”

“Alright, what's the deal?” I asked, wishing I could fold my hooves. Pegasi had it easy in that respect.

“We believe Ponifcation is a gift,” Shield stated, “And gifts are meant to be shared; won't you help your fellow equines in our quest to share the magic of friendship with everyone? And in doing so, we will further the restoration of earth by allowing Equestria's magical field to consume more of this planet's blighted soil.”

“You know,” I said loudly, “You sound an awful lot like Ponification for the Earth's Rebirth spokesponies. Like that Grey Crusader chap.”

“Shh, don't be so loud,” Shield asked, quietly. “Some people stereotype our kind, and our humble organization is seen as an easy target to cripple our faith in the magic of friendship. We do not practice abhorrent methods of making ponies join our faith. We want them to do that of their own accord.”

“Well,” I said, keeping my voice loud, “It just so happens that I had a brief run-in with some more aggressive specimens of your faith the other night; you showing up here is an awful coincidence, isn't it?”

“It is just that,” Shield dismissed quickly. “Are you suggesting we would... force ponification on somebody? I am offended, good sir!”

“Of course not,” I stated levelly, “I wouldn't dare to accuse you of anything.”

“Then we are in a-” Shield sniffed the air. “Is that... what is that smell in the air?”

I sniffed. The smell of bacon grease was in the air. I smiled.

“Oh, that? Breakfast. Bacon sandwiches, love 'em.”

“B-bacon?” Shield looked a little shaken as he looked at me, and spotted crumbs of bread in my coat. “You're eating bacon? How?”

“Oh, how can't I?” I gushed, “Bacon is wonderful! The grease! The texture! The flavor! Same for any well-cooked steak. Meat is wonderful, the rarer the better. But sometimes you just can't beat well-cooked.”

“Ah... ah ha ha,” Shield laughed unconvincingly. “You... you are aware ponies aren't... designed to handle meat, right?”

“Oh, of course,” I said idly, “I just eat meat because I like to eat meat. Steaks are amazing; I've had them all, you know. Beef, pork, lamb, sheep, kangaroo, elephant... beautiful. But you know what my favorite is?”

“I... wouldn't know,” Shield said, going paler than usual, if that was even possible. All the talk of meat had, apparently, thrown him off. I wondered if he'd been vegan before he was a pony.

“Horse,” I replied, “A bit stringy, but it's an acquired flavor. And plenty to go around. In fact, I'm still cooking a second helping. Would you like to come inside, hang around for breakfast? I'd love to have you at my table.”

“Um,” Shield looked at his hoof, “Actually, we have to make some more rounds before lunchtime, and we've already eaten, so I will have to say no-thanks for now.”

“Are you sure? I mean, we can cook up some horse, and I can show you what I mean.”

“No thanks,” Shield shook his head, and began backing off.

“Come on,” I wheedled, “Come on in; knives are already sharpened, cutting board's ready, just need the meat. Stick around, it's to die for!”

“Perhaps another time,” Shield shook his head. “We can... discuss meat... then, yes?”

“In return,” I said, “I'll consider your offer of friendship, despite the dishonor you show me by not accepting my invitation to breakfast,” I said with a hurt expression on my face. “Please, return any time, I can start cooking whenever.”

Shield and Cake just nodded, and walked away quickly. I watched them leave my property, and move down the street. After two houses, they broke into a run, and I laughed.

An echoing laugh came from just around the corner; pressed up against the wall, Duke was standing there, face plastered with bacon grease.

“Okay, since when do ponies have noses like bloodhounds?” he asked.

“Since we don't eat bacon every day,” I replied. “I see you took the hint.”

“Yeah. You really think they're PER?”

“We get shot with ponification serum, then they show up the next day?” I shook my head. “That is crazy convenient; shell-shock someone with a major life change, then step in and offer support.”

“Break someone, put them back together,” Duke nodded. “Psychology at work. Didn't the Joker do that to Two-face in that Batman movie?”

“Yeah.” I kicked the door shut properly, and froze.

“What is it, Dice?” Duke gasped. “Oh shit, they know where I live! Is that it?”

“Not that,” I replied, feeling a strange feeling in my bowels. “I... need to go to the toilet.”

======

“Oh man, this is such a bad idea,” Dice called out through the bathroom door, “I'm having second thoughts.”

“Get on the toilet, damnit!” I shouted back, leaning against the wall next to the toilet. “Squat and shit, seriously.”

“One,” Dice called back, “I dunno if human toilets can handle horse poop. I mean, horses crap cueballs, man. And two, you try sitting on a toilet as a pony. It doesn't exactly work!”

“Just... stand on the seat or something, and squat over the bowl!” I sighed. “We wouldn't have this problem if you were just okay with shitting in the back yard.”

“Excuse me?” Dice exclaimed. “Just shit outside like a dog, where everyone can see? Why don't I just shit anywhere and let it fall where-ever it may, like a real animal?”

“Nobody's looking! There's only about ten to twenty people left in this entire neighborhood, and I don't think any of them want to watch a pony go for a crap in a yard!”

Muttered curses made their way through the wood of the door, and a clacking noise of hooves on porcelain.

“Damnit! Hooves have no grip!”

“Brace yourself or something!” I said, waving my hands to emphasize, even though he couldn't see.

“With what, pray tell?”

“You're a unicorn. Use magic or something. Cast spell of sticky hooves, or something.”

“Yeah, hang on, wait... yeah, I got it! I've braced myself over the bowl by pushing against the edges. And...”

“Thanks for the info, Dice,” I rolled my eyes, “I really needed to know that.”

“You're... WELCOME!” A loud plunk. “That feels so much better, holy shit.”

I shut my eyes as the sound of falling fluid began. “Remind me why I have to be here for this?”

“For... moral... support!” Another series of plunks, and the falling fluid stopped. “There, I'm done. And I didn't even shit on my tail or anything!”

“What an achievement,” I drawled. “I'm sure there's scores of ponies who can't do that.”

“Shut up. Now... uh... aw shit. I'm stuck. I can't get off the toilet.”

“You got on it, didn't you?”

“Yeah, but now I've managed to wedge myself in so that if I take one hoof off the rim, I'll lose my balance.”

“Only we could manage to get ourselves in a situation like this.”

“Indeed. Now, you wanna - shit!”

A sound of slipping hoof, and a plunk sound. My eyes shot open, and I looked at the doorway.

“Did... did you just fall in?”

“...what do you think?”

I suppressed a laugh. “I think I'll go run you a bath. Try not to get piss everywhere.”

“I won't,” Dice grumbled. A flushing sound began, and I walked away to get the bath ready.