The Conversion Bureau - Mirror Match

A story loosely set in Blaze’s Conversion Bureau universe, By Silvertie

Chapter 12 - Dragoon

"It's a dragon," Duke breathed. "A fucking robot dragon. A fucking cybernetic, villainous, robotic dragon!"

"They don't pay me enough," the Sergeant muttered.

"Why is he- why can't he just stay down?" I lamented. "He's so cliche, it hurts. He's probably going to tout the perfection of his new form next, I'm calling it."

The chrome dragon heaved itself into the air. It's sheer bulk and size colluded with the laws of physics and said it should fall right out of the sky; but it flew nonetheless and the dragon remained aloft, swooping around to land on top of an intact warehouse.

Police officers from all over the iron foundry ran to the courtyard to see the immense machine, and cower in fear. The dragon seemed amused by this show of weakness.

"You do well to fear me," it boasted. "Behold, the pinnacle of forms; the power of machines is combined with the power of the greatest non-machine form in all of existience, the Dragon!"

"Called it," I muttered to Duke, who blew a raspberry in dismissal.

"What about the Alicorn?" a small voice piped up.

"Hm?" the dragon scrutinized the growing crowd with disdain. "I thought I heard something ridiculous."

A small blue foal moved to a higher position, standing on top of his mobile footstool proudly, the larger orange stallion bearing his small weight with ease.

"I said," Blue shouted, "What about Alicorns? The Princesses are Alicorns, and they make the sun and moon go up and down! Can you do that?"

"Parlor tricks!" Lexicon dismissed. "What good is power if it is not used? I have found that any sufficiently strong unicorn could make the sun go up and down! What makes an Alicorn special?" Lexicon clenched a claw with ease. "This, this is the greatest form. I retain the powers of a unicorn, amplified by the power of science and arcane secrets of magic! I remain aloft, with the harvested magic of pegasi! And I wield a complete arsenal of weapons, draconic and human alike! I wear the finest, most impenetrable alloys known to mankind as skin, and use energy itself as a shield! How can you expect to win?"

"One panel at a time," I declared, stepping forward, before realizing I'd missed something. "Asshole," I added.

Lexicon just laughed.

"You? Please, stop. I’m still working out interface kinks, you'll make me flame with laughter."

"I killed Jeeves easily enough, didn't I?"

"That would be cause for alarm," Lexicon admitted, "If he hadn't been given orders to let you win. He was just a distraction, a timewaster." The dragon lifted off, circling the courtyard. "Now I have moved to this form, nothing can stop me. Not humans, not ponies, not planes, not magic! I'll admit, you've all managed to set back my plans by several months, and cost me millions of dollars, but you haven't actually stopped anything. I'll just go do my work elsewhere, where you can't bother me any more!"

The dragon stopped circling, and soared West, titanic wings flapping slowly and bearing him aloft. With a sharp turn, he swooped around, and his mouth opened.

"Jesus titty fucking christ," the Sergeant muttered, squinting against the afternoon sun. “Is he doing what I think he’s doing?”

"Get down!" Snow shouted, his pegasus' eyesight picking the real threat out, and pulling Gold and Glitter with him as he dived for cover behind a pile of old steel.

Everyone ran for it; those who had access to a building used that, others hid behind girders and cars. Duke and I ducked behind the pile of steel with our family, and watched the oncoming assault. With a screech of steel, Lexicon was upon us, and something split the air, blinding anypony who was looking with light.

A titanic beam of light ripped through the center of the courtyard; we felt the heat, even from here. The poor souls unfortunate enough to be the victims probably didn’t have time to feel it before they were blown to dust.

All this happened at a speed that created a draft strong enough to tip one of the nearby patrol cars over; Lexicon soared up into the sky, and I watched as small metal spheres filled the air in his wake. Such very pretty little metal spheres, kinda like ball bearings. They looked like the sort of thing that would - oh.

Duke reached up and pulled my head down as the bomblets went off; the explosions seemed to be part calculated, part random chain reaction, and all mayhem, pops of light vaporizing large chunks of anything they got close to. All we could do was duck and cover, and pray our flanks weren't vaporized.

What felt like an eternity later, we dared to lift our heads up, and we saw mayhem. Everywhere, small fist-sized craters had been gouged out of the ground and terrain; one or two tardy ponies and humans had been caught by the bomblets, and were missing fist-sized chunks of flesh for their trouble.

"Jesus," the Sergeant breathed from his nearby cover, a pile of crates. From the pale look on his face, he’d been thinking about using one of the cars as cover. I looked at the overturned, burning wreckage. Thank god for small mercies, indeed.

"Marblebombs," Snow muttered, examining our choice of cover, which now sported holes like cheese in it. "Nasty things. I didn't know they made it past testing."

"You know these things?" Ricketts asked, getting up; he’d ducked behind the crates, too, although his close brush with death didn’t seem to have sunk in quite yet.

"Know them?" Snow shook his head. "I made the circuitboards for them and programmed the things, regrettably. A nasty day's work."

"Lexicon's getting away!" Duke interrupted, "Can't we give chase?"

"Rides are all toast," the Sergeant said, gesturing at the closest example, which had a large hole gouged through the bonnet and part of the engine block. "We aren't going after him in a car, and on foot would be too slow."

The sound of running hooves filled the air, and we looked around to see Chocolate Cake and Illuminating Shield running towards us.

"What the- how did you two get free?" the Sergeant asked, flummoxed.

"The officer in charge got hit," Shield shook his head. "We took it upon ourselves to free us and tell ourselves to assist."

"... Somehow," Gold muttered, "I doubt that would hold up in a court of law."

A flutter of wings heralded the arrival of Chord Thorn, who landed with a rush, and caught his breath.

"So," Thorn said, "How do we slay the dragon?"

"There's no 'we' about it," the police Sergeant said. "You civilians will stay right here - you two will sit here and await arrest - and we'll get the national guard on it or something."

Thorn snorted. "Right, good one. I'll go get my airship... if Lexicon’s goons didn't burn it down when they bagged me.” He jerked a head at the warehouse, and took off, hovering in the air. “I'm sure I've got a staff of dragonslaying somewhere on there."

"Tell me you're kidding," I said, to a completely serious look from Thorn. "Please."

"Do not doubt my ability to hoard supernatural trinkets, Dice!"

"More like I doubt that anyone, human or pony, would make a weapon named the 'Staff of Dragonslaying'."

“You’d be surprised what you find in ruins,” Thorn shouted, shooting into the sky. “I’ll be back!”

We watched the scarred pegasus fly off into the sky, and wondered if it really would be that easy, a staff of dragonslaying.

"I doubt it,” Ricketts said, guessing what we were all thinking. “What are the odds, right?”

“This is still shaping up to be like one of my Japanese videogames,” Duke grumbled. “I swear, if I have to wear belts and buckles...”

“What sort of games do you even play?” Gold Flake asked, curious. “Because that sounds a little saucy for just a videogame.”

“Japan,” Duke explained. “They come up with weird stuff.”

“I’m sick of this!” I kicked a bit of rubble irritably. "Lexicon's gonna get away!"

The sounds of a functioning engine filled the air, and with a splintering crash of metal, a large furniture moving truck barreled through a pair of nearby gates to the compound. It screeched to a halt, and as the dust cleared, we were all treated to a prime view of a certain logo.

“Buttershod Toilet Emporium?” the Sergeant asked, scratching his head in bemusement. The window rolled down, and a familiar teal mare poked her head out.

“Going dragon hunting,” she grinned. “Who wants to come with?”

“That’s us,” Shield said, hopping up onto the back of the truck and into the cargo area. The Sergeant looked upset.

“Hey!” He protested. “That’s aiding and abetting wanted fugitives!”

“I’m in,” I declared, hopping up into the truck, to protests; mostly from my family.

“You can’t go!” Gold Flake insisted. “You’ll get hurt!”

“Don’t do it!” Glitter added.

“I’d tell you to stop,” the Sergeant sighed, “But I seriously doubt you’ll listen to me, so whatever.”

“What happened to civic responsibility?” Duke asked, snidely. “Protect and serve?”

“You know what?” The sergeant threw his arms up in the air. “Fuck this. Seriously, fuck this. It’s beyond my pay grade. Do whatever you like, just don’t come crawling back to me when you get beat up or dead.”

“What’s his problem?” Ironshod asked, watching the angry policeman storm off. Ricketts shrugged.

“Ain’t nobody been listening to him, I guess,” he said. “Ol’ Sarge is partial to being listened to.”

“Eh.” Duke clambered up onto the truck with us. “I’m going too.”

“Oh, no you’re not,” Gold said. “I might let one Duke get on that truck, but not both of you!”

“Come on, mum,” I appealed. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! When else am I going to get the chance to be a hero and slay the dragon?”

“Do you both need to get on that truck, though?”

“Hey,” Duke jabbed a thumb into his own chest. “I’m not gonna let Dice steal all the credit. I want to steal some credit, too.”

“Just be careful, alright?” Snow looked us in the eye. “Both of you. I have two sons going into this mess, I want two sons walking out, got it?”

I didn’t miss the implication, and nodded firmly. Shield looked between us and our family, and decided the moment was sufficiently over; with a bang of his hoof on the back of the truck, the vehicle began to move.

Duke gave our family a small wave, and with a revving of the engine, the truck swerved through the wreckage of the gate, and we were gone. I sighed, and looked at Shield.

“Alright, now - how do we kill the dragon, again?”

Shield opened his mouth and closed it again. “I don’t think we actually thought this out, did we?”

“I did the thinking for you,” Ironshod’s voice crackled over a small radio in the corner, sitting on top of a metal crate. “Typical stallions. Why do you think I took so long? Look in the crate.”

We obliged, Duke handling the actual opening with his hands, and we looked inside. What sat inside, nestled in a bed of foam, was easily the coolest thing we’d ever seen.

“Aw yeah,” Duke grinned.

“Now we’re cooking with gas,” I agreed.

“I don’t know what that is,” Shield confessed. “But judging by how you two are reacting, I’m guessing it’s powerful.”

Chocolate Cake just made a noncommital grunt, and we looked at him. He looked back, and shrugged.

“What? It’s just a surface-to-air rocket launcher.”

======

The truck’s engine briefly over-revved as it cleared the lip of the on-ramp, and skidded slightly as Ironshod turned onto the motorway; high in the sky, we could see Lexicon flying forward, taking his time.

“Right,” Dice said, “All we need to do is get a good line of sight, and work out how to use this damn thing!”

I hefted the weapon; Of the four of us, I was the only one capable of actually using the weapon, much to Shield’s disappointment. He seemed a little miffed that a human was necessary to win the day.

“That’s a great plan, Dice,” I snarked. “Tactical genius.”

“And where did I go wrong, pray tell?”

“Try the bit where I get line-of-sight,” I pointed at the walls and roof of the truck. “These are gonna be in the way, unless Ironshod gets creative.”

“I think I can help with that,” Cake volunteered. “I’ll fly Duke up to the roof, he can shoot from there.”

“I wanna see this too,” Dice complained.

“Is this really the time?” Shield asked, incredulous. “This is serious business, and you’re worried about getting prime seats?”

“Hey,” Dice drew a hoof sideways in the air. “If I don’t witness this shit, Duke’s gonna go ahead and embellish that shit like nopony’s business. Make himself out to be like sixty percent more awesome than he really was. It’s what I’d do.”

“Come on,” I waggled my hips. “Less yack, more rocket-propelled devastation.”

Cake rolled his eyes, and obliged; with a grunt, we took off, and I realized just how fucking stupid this idea really was when we flapped out over the edge of the truck, and began to rise slowly. I clutched the rocket launcher tighter.

“Ooohohooo, this was a bad idea,” I moaned.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights,” Cake gasped, flapping hard to maintain momentum and not fall behind the truck.

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m afraid of falling to the road and suffering grievous bodily harm.”

“Well, stop moving and I won’t drop you.”

“I’m not moving!”

“Oh, that’ll be my hooves, then.”

I wanted to kiss the ground when my feet touched the roof of the truck’s boxy cargo area, but decided otherwise for the sole reason of saving face in front of Cake, who was catching his breath.

“So,” I said, “You’re not at all excited about this?” I asked, hefting the rocket launcher.

“Nope,” Cake maintained, shaking his head.

“Not even a little? It shoots explosions!”

“I’d rather not.”

“Man,” I shook my head. “No bloody wonder. Ladies got no time for men who can’t handle explosions.”

“That’s ridiculous, and you know it,” Cake said, catching what I didn’t say.

“A century of action films beg to differ,” I shrugged.

Any further discourse was cut off by a strangled scream, and a whack of hooves on metal as Dice fell out of the sky; his shell-shocked expression implied that he was probably a scrabble away from shitting himself.

“Jesus, Dice,” I swore. “What the hell, you try to fly?”

“Shield threw me!” Dice spluttered, shaking as he got to his hooves. “Grabbed me by my mane, pitched my ass up here like a pitching thing!”

I laughed, and got down on one knee to stabilize myself. “Okay, so how do I use this thing?”

“Bloody men,” Ironshod grunted over my headset, “Never read the goddamn manual. Flip that viewfinder open, toggle the covered switch.”

I obliged, finding a transclucent rectangle and the indicated switch. “Got it, now what?”

“Point, wait for the tone, shoot. It’s a rocket launcher, not rocket science.”

“Wow,” Dice said, regaining a little of his nerve. “I never knew it was that easy to waste, what, twenty large per missile?”

“Thirty. But who’s counting? Shoot already!”

I laughed, and got Lexicon in my sights; almost immediately, I got a tone, even as I saw Lexicon’s head snap around to look at what I guessed was us.

“Oh, shit,” I said, and sent out a silent prayer.

Come on, I need this. Don’t fuck me over, lady luck.

I curled my finger, and finally got to cross something off the list of things I’d always wanted to do - use a rocket launcher.

I could go on about that beautiful shot, the way it spiraled ever so gently and left a trail of smoke as it ripped through the sky, my hair and still-worn suit fluttering dramatically in the wind.

But we all know that’d be just gilding the lily. And Dice would never let me live that down.

I fired the missile, and the launcher kicked against my shoulder hard as it streaked away; I had my fingers crossed - perhaps fortune was with us today, perhaps we would land a million-to-one chance and nail Lexicon in his one weak spot for massive damage.

It was like the universe saw my plight, viewed my history of luck, and threw salt and lemon juice on the cut that was my fortune.

A flare of green energy flickered to life around Lexicon in the distance, and Cake swore. “He’s got some sort of dome shield thing up; it blocked your shot.”

“Motherfucker!” I shouted to the wind. “Punk ass, cheating asshole!”

“Ah,” Cake warned. “Duke, I think he heard you. Ironshod! Prepare to dodge! Incoming!”

“Incoming?!” Dice exclaimed, before getting the gist and getting down low. It puzzled me for a moment, then I got it too.

Without a moment to spare - right on cue, Ironshod swerved the truck, narrowly avoiding a lance of blue light that immolated the side of the truck. If I’d been standing up, my fears would have come to pass right then and there, a red Pâté on the road. As it was, I squeaked across the roof, trying to hold the rocket launcher and stay steady at the same time.

Then, just when I thought it was all over...

“Hey,” Dice asked, “Do you feel a little tilt?”

I shot him a look. “No. But I think you’ve just jinxed us.”

The truck lurched horribly, and with a vicious jolt, began to scrape against the ground. I’ll tell you this much: when this starts happening to you, you quickly wish it wasn’t.

“Hold tight, boys!” Ironshod yelled. “Lexicon got one of our rear wheels!”

The truck began to list harder as Ironshod applied whatever was left of our brakes, and the truck began to slow. I clutched the rocket launcher close and held onto the edge of the roof with my free hand, giving silent thanks that I had fingers.

With a whap, Cake took to the air; if I had a third hand, I would have shot him the bird for skipping out on the problem like that.

“Pleasenosuddenflippleasenosuddenflip,” Dice chanted quietly as he clung to the roof like I was, only with two hooves physically hooked over the edge, and I silently echoed his sentiment.

The truck was sliding and screeching to a halt on the road, but it looked like it would take about ten seconds to come to a rest; and anything could happen in ten seconds.

It was a long, tense ten seconds.

======

My legs shook like jelly, and I landed heavily on the road.

“Sweet road!” I cried, rolling over and embracing it. “Never leave me! I’m never riding on top of a moving motor vehicle, ever again!”

Duke swore as he slipped, and dangled from the top edge of the truck by his free hand. “A little help? Someone?”

A glow of magic grabbed his arm, and he grunted in pain as he was lowered to the ground. Ironshod sat on the road nearby, horn glowing as she nursed her own broken leg.

“Thanks,” Duke nodded. Ironshod shook her head.

“Don’t mention it.”

Duke rolled his shoulder, and looked at the rocket launcher. “How do I reload this thing? Is there a button?”

“Missiles go in at the back,” Ironshod grunted. “One at a time.”

“Thank you,” he chirped, staggering into the back of the truck. I returned my attention to the bigger picture.

“Now what?” I asked. “Lexicon’s getting away. Again.”

Shield grunted, nursing bruises of his own that were being examined by Cake. “I think our part in this is over.”

“What’s that?” Ironshod nodded behind me, down the road, and I turned.

In the distance, there was a faint roar of a motor, and I squinted at the cause; a low, red object was rapidly growing larger.

“I hear an engine,” Duke shouted from inside the truck where he was presumably wrestling with the rocket launcher. “Sounds like Gary’s car. Is it Gary’s car?”

I frowned. “How the hell can you tell that? I’ve got bigger ears and I can barely hear it!”

“Your ears are facing the wrong way, newfoal,” Shield pointed out. “Point them forward.”

“What, like thi-”

VURRRRRRRRRUUUUUUM

“Ow!” My ears flicked back around to the sides. “Yeah, okay, I hear it now.”

The car screeched to a halt, and sure enough, Gary was sitting in the driver’s seat, and M was in the passenger’s seat. Gary pushed sunglasses up and looked at us sitting next to the wrecked truck at the end of a sizable gouge in the blacktop.

“Well, if this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve seen in a long time,” Gary said. “What’s going on, Dice?”

“Hey, Gary!” Duke called out, waving from the back of the truck. M sat up when she saw him.

“So, Dice, Duke,” she began, “I... think I’m going to want to hear just how this happened. For starters, why are you wearing a suit and carrying a rocket launcher, Duke?”

“I know, right?” Duke hefted the weapon eagerly. “It’s radical! I even got to shoot it! No damage, though, didn’t make it through Lexicon’s shields.”

“Wait, who?” Gary asked, perplexed.

“You should probably start from the beginning,” Ironshod suggested.

======

“Right, so,” Gary steepled his hands, and pointed them at Ironshod, Shield and Cake. “You three are PER.” He pointed them at me and Dice. “You two somehow got mixed into stopping a cyborg who wanted to turn ponies into robots.”

He pointed at the speck in the sky that was Lexicon. “That’s the cyborg, who is now a dragon, and he runs the homewares store that we visited the other day. Tell me where I’m missing something.”

I nodded slowly. “That’s the long and short of it, yeah.”

“And now,” Gary continued, “If we don’t find a way to shoot that asshole down, he’s just going to go and make his machine army somewhere else.”

“It makes perfect sense,” M dismissed, briefly unfolding an arm from where she was standing, just off to the side. “I mean, it’s all highly improbable and smells like someone upstairs is pulling strings, but given Duke’s past fortunes, I think this is pretty much par for the course.”

“Excessive luck, or total lack thereof?” I asked.

“I’m thinking you’re just bouncing from one end of the luck spectrum to the other like a ping-pong ball right now,” M waved a hand. “I mean, all we need now is a Human Liberation Front member in our midst, and we’ve got a full house and a recipe for awkward.”

“Then we have a full house,” Illuminating Shield muttered. Gary jumped up.

“You mean, you know one of us is a HLF member?” He exclaimed.

“One of us is a HLF member?” Dice, Cake and I all said, simultaneously. M just looked stunned. Shield sneered.

“Yes, Duke. One of your friends is secretly a Human Liberation Front member,” he accused, gesturing widely at M and Gary. “One of these humans wants nothing more than to see Equestrians laid low at the hands of humanity!”

“I- I don’t- this is ridiculous!” Gary protested. “I would think one of us would know if we were a HLF member, right, M?” He nudged M with an elbow, and got no response; M just stared at Shield, eyes slowly going wide with recognition.

“Yes,” Shield spat. “Remember me? Because I sure as hell remember you, Magdalene Eurydice Oswalds.” He jabbed a hoof at her, poking her in the gut. “Your buddies aren’t here to cut my wings off this time, Magdalene. Tell me why I shouldn’t throw you off this overpass right here and now.”