The air was abuzz. Laughter, conversation, cat calls; all the sounds of a party flew through square. A stage was set up in the middle of the square. It was a spartan construct, made merely of a few wooden crates and draped over with some red cloth. A microphone stood centre stage, attached wire snaking down to a mixing desk, manned by a unicorn mare with a bright blue mane who reveled in a giant subwoofer she had brought with her.

The street lights dimmed and a spotlight switched on, making the stage seem as if it were burning against the dark spring evening. The noise of the crowd dimmed and the night began.

A flash of pink burst on stage and a voice laughing at its own happiness began to speak.

“Helloooo, Ponyville! I’m your host Pinkie Pie and this is Open Mic Night.”

A round of hoof stomping filled the air.

“We’ve got a great night for you to enjoy, so, without any more waiting, I present to you the comic stylings of Iron Will.”

As Pinkie finished speaking, a hulking mass made its way on stage. The surly form of Iron Will made its way into the light, barging Pinkie out the way with its sinuous arms and grabbing hold of the microphone.

“Good evening, Ponyville.”

A frightened hush descended over the crowd.

“Are you not going to cheer for Iron Will?”

Ponies looked to and fro with nervous glances, unsure of themselves.

“Let me rephrase that. You are going to cheer!”

Thunderous applause broke out across the square, as Iron Will stuck a pose, before stopping abruptly when Iron Will lifted his hand.

“Time for jokes! Why did your mother cross the road?”

Iron Will glared at the crowd with his solid stare. Some of the foals in the audience began to cry.

“To spend the night with me!”

Silence.

“Why did your father cross the road?”

Iron Will raised a hand to point at a grey mare with a yellow mane. Her eyes rolled around in their sockets, unable to focus. Iron Will’s concentration momentarily lapsed, before he turned his finger towards a brown colt beside her who was frozen in terror.

“I’ll repeat. Why did your father cross the road?”

…

“To spend the night with me!”

...

“Why did your grandmother cross the road?”

…

“To spend the night with your mother!

…

“No laughs! Oh f...” loud feedback burst across the sound system, “... this!”

Iron Will through the microphone to the ground and knocked over the stand before marching off stage, his face like carved stone. As he walked off Pinkie Pie walked back on, picking up the microphone and starting...

“Well thank you for that foal friendly performance from Iron Will, can we get a round of applause?”

A refrained hoof stomp followed as most ponies in attendance tried to move their faces, confused if they were scared or shocked. A few of the more sensitive in nature checked to make sure their hindquarters were still dry.

“Next, we have a song from a band called ‘Disgracious T’. Welcome to the stage.”

A small, purple dragon and two colts stumbled onto the stage. One colt had a cutie mark of a snail and the other a pair of scissors. The two colts both held guitars and the dragon held something resembling a chemistry set. The took their positions, the colts at the back and the dragon at the forefront. The dragon wrapped his lips around the end of the chemistry set and inhaled, making a sound of chugging water, before dropping it and taking the microphone from Pinkie’s hoof.

A pony in the audience wondered a little too loudly, “Hey, isn’t that a bong?”

The dragon on stage coughed a ring of smoke before replying, “No, of course not.”

A large portion of the crowd looked skeptical.

“He’s telling the truth. I know because my ‘Number One Assistant’ would never lie,” another voice called out.”

At this, the crowd looked satisfied and the questioning stopped.

Spike began with a slurred accent, “Okay, ponies. this is going to blow your mortal minds. Take it away Snaps and Snils.”

“Our names are Snips and Snails,” the shorter mumbled.

“Whatever.”

The crowd relaxed as the music began; an upbeat acoustic piece. Spike began to sing...

“This is a song called the history of Disgracious T,

And its not just a list of bullshit that we've done in the past,

It's a chronicling of our rise, to power!

We ride with steeds on mighty kings,

Across Discord’s plain,

We've walked with Luna on her moon,

She was not banished in vain, NO!

We've run with centaurs, we've mounted Cadence

Even stroked Celestia’s mane,

We've traveled through space and time my friends

To rock this house again, rock!!

We ride and we ride and we'll never subside,

And we'll ride till the alicorns die,

And if you say that we do not ride,

I'll burn you're fucking hide, ride!!

Snail’s hooves be silver, Spike’s voice then be gold,

But lest you think we're vain,

We know you're all bronies and we don't care,

Disgracious T, we reign!

We rei-eign, supreme, ooooh Celestia!!

Minotaur supreme, and a Windigo supreme,

And your mum’s supreme,

Supreeeeeme yeaaaaaah,

go now Snips! 1-2-3,

Supreme!!!”

The crowd sat with looks of abject horror, as Snips and Snails smashed their guitars into the floor and Spike shot fire into the air, middle fingers raised to the crowd, before they all ran away as fast as they could. A short round of applause could be heard from a single pony before dying away rapidly. Another awkward silence ensued as Pinkie climbed back on stage.

“That was so good! Well done, Spikey. Next, a change of pace. Here’s Twilight Sparkle with a short talk on ‘The Gamma Function And Why You Should Care’.”

With flash of light, a lavender unicorn appeared on stage in a lab coat. Standing next to her was a whiteboard.

“Hello, everypony. Are you ready for MATHS?!”

---------------------------------------------------------------

“...hence, the following defines the factorial function for all positive integers.”

Twilight finished scribbling down the last of her equations on the board before turning back to the crowd and, upon seeing them, sighing.

Nopony noticed Pinkie get back on stage until she picked up the microphone and shouted, “Thankyou, Twilight.”

Ponies across the square were jolted awake. Some began applauding wildly, others started screaming and running in circles, and still others jumped on other ponies and began attacking them in their dazed stupour.

“Next, we have Rainbow Dash, with a poem entitled ‘In My Defense’.”

A cyan pegasus with a prismatic mane fell onto the stage with a crash. With the dust cloud clearing, she picked herself up and walked up to microphone, fumbling around for it. Unable to pick it up, she projected her voice in a string of slurs.

“Hey guys, I’m sorry I’m late but I was too busy being awesame... aweson... horsesome... crap. I ‘fink I might have drunk a bit much Apple Schnapps. Huh, sounds like innuendo, doesn’t it Applejack,” an orange mare in the audience sunk into her seat, “Actually, that’s what I’m here to talk to you about tonight. I think I had a poem, but I ran out of toilet paper on the way here so... Anyway, some of you whores, *cough* Lyra *cough*, have been spreading rumours that I’m a lesbian. Now, just because I like to experiment sometimes having a snack on Apples, literally,” the orange mare sunk further into her seat, “doesn’t make me a lesbian. Daring Do did a mare and she wasn’t a lesbian.”

“Yes she was, Rainbow.”

“Oh. Well Twilight knows better than I do, cause she’s a booknerd, but remember that’s just a story. For example, I want to, right now, get down there in the crowd, get jump on a table and have Big Mac mount me. Now that’s pretty straight. Don’t look jealous Applejack, with Big Mac I’m sure there’s enough to go around. Plus he’s your family so I’m sure he’s more than willing, especially ‘cause your rednecks. Peace out.”

Rainbow Dash dropped the microphone and walked over to Pinkie. Grabbing her in her hooves, she swept her into a passionate kiss before shouting...

“I know your into experiments, so you’re next Twilight!”