"Well, I think that will be listed as the first few of your crimes," Celestia said, her face stony.

"What, grand theft lending library?" I snorted. "I was attacked, I fought back, I ran."

"You set ponies' houses on fire," Celestia said, flaring her wings in anger. "Did you give no thought to the innocents inside? You would have left them to burn to their deaths!"

"It was just a little fire. " I protested. "I wasn't all---" I made fireball-throw-y gestures with my manacled hands. "Fwackoom, instant inferno. Just enough to set the very top corner alight, make a lot of smoke and junk. I'm not a complete lunatic."

"That was hardly any comfort to the poor ponies whose homes you set alight," Celestia said. "The terror they suffered--"

I snorted again. "Spare me, Princess. Your precious ponies would go into stampeding hysterics at a bunny stampede. All I had to do was walk in town in a halloween costume and they went ballistic. They're scared of everything. And if I wanted to kill anyone, I wouldn't have set a couple of patches of wet thatch on fire. I would have flung a fireball inside."

Celestia gave me this incredulous look. She shuddered and turned away. "Your ruthlessness sickens me," she said.

"Yeah, take a guess how much that upsets me."

"My student's report says that after you attacked Ponyville, there was no trace of you for three days. What were you doing?"

I gave her my best sinister grin. "Hiding. Planning. Waiting."

Sulking.

Things had not gone according to plan. This world was a little girly cartoon land, wasn't it ? I figured I'd just walk into town, bark a few words at the local big eyed talking animals, maybe throw around a few Dark Magic shock and awe, and intimidate them into giving me my ticket home. It hadn't occurred to me that the fluffy little magical things might be able to do something with all that magic besides throw tea parties. Consequence? I'd gotten my skinny butt kicked all over Ponyville by a purple pony princess.

And that rainbow beam... I still got the shudders whenever I thought of it. It had nearly turned my brain into a soft boiled egg. Nobody thinks about how a land of sweetness and light and happy puppies stays that way. But now I knew: by giving everybody's brain a nice thorough washing. I wondered if they went from door to door, or if they just gathered everybody in the town square once a month so they could use that rainbow on everyone all at once--

"That is not how we maintain harmony in our kingdom," Celestia snapped. "And the Elements of Harmony don't work that way."

"Really? Have YOU ever been zapped by it?" I retorted.

"...No," she admitted.

"Got no clue then, do you."

"We do not need," Celestia repeated slowly, "To brainwash ponies to make them want to be happy."

"But you sure need to in order to make them change back that way," I retorted.

Celestia gritted her teeth. "You can keep your opinions to yourself, villain," she said.

"Aww. But then how will you understand my deeper motivations and turn me into a sympathetic character?" I simpered. She bared her teeth at me. I remembered that horses could bite, and went back to telling my story.

It was the second day after we were routed. I was bathing down in the nearby creek-- even I was starting to notice my canned-in funk. I had managed to pry off my costume, even got the gorget off. But the damned medallion was still stuck on a chain round my neck. I  washed my clothes out, and was in the process of giving myself a bath while they dried on the rocks. Need I remind you it was late autumn? Only my proctologist knows for sure how far my wedding tackle retreated into my torso before I finally climbed out of the freezing water.

It was when I was standing shivering on the shore, trying to muster the control to magically dry my clothes, that I realized I could have made a bath and heated the water with my magic. F@#%.

A few minute's magically digging a crude pool in the floor of my cave,  filling it with water and heated stones, and I was recuperating from my stupidity-induced freezer burn in a heated bath. It was much easier to think over my situation in comfort, let me tell you.

Anyway, I wasn't in the best of moods. They were bound to come after me. I'd spent the next day fortifying our encampment, replacing the fallen logs with ripped up boulders, topping the walls with sharpened stakes-- till it dawned on me that anything I could build with my magic, that princess pony could tear down with hers just as easy. When I realized that, I'd blown out an entire wall with my magic in my frustration. I rebuilt it anyway. It at least kept the timber wolves out.

It was stupid, anyway. I had three Diamond Dogs. Three.  I could rebuild Castle Greyskull and it still wouldn't matter. What, I was going to hold off an army of angry magical unicorns with three diamond dogs?

At least it wasn't just a hole in the wall anymore. Diamond Dogs apparently could dig like a summabitch, and were at least passable and making lean-tos and crude huts.We had laid in a store of food, smoked and dried, thanks to a little fishing and hunting we did.   We had a fire pit for cooking, and another pit for... well.

I took some time to sit down and go through my costume pockets and see if I might have accidentally brought along something that would give us an edge. That was how it worked, right? The modern-age dork gets transported to another dimension or an alien planet or travels back in time, and he uses the awesome futuristic stuff he just happened to bring with him to win the day.

Well, unless I was the secret love child of MacGuyver and the Professor from Gilligan's Island, not likely. A wallet with about fifty bucks in tens, fives and ones, my driver's license and library card; three sticks of mint gum--- man, I was gonna be wishing for a toothbrush soon; some loose change; book of matches and a cigarette lighter (some gags you can use a match as a fuse); couple tubes of superglue; a baggie of smoke bombs, bang snaps and firecrackers;  a magic marker; a bus pass; a pencil stub; four AAA batteries; a prescription bottle with a few pain pills from when I'd busted my knee; a cheap swiss army knife; a little patch and sew kit in a baggie for if the costume got ripped or damaged; three or four SD cards for the cell phone I had forgotten and left at home (of course), a keychain with a "universal remote" that didn't work and a laser pointer with dead batteries;  a couple of of bandaids; some thumb-sized bottles of indelible dye; a miniature flashlight (which was what the AAAs were for).. the roll of duct tape had some potential... one of those self-exploding super-fart-of-death bag bombs-- man those things were great, you broke the capsule inside and the baggie swelled up and burst and it made a smell like SATAN had ripped one...

Look, it was Halloween, all right?

What we were facing was a seriously lopsided strategic disadvantage. One guy with a magic medallion and three chickens in dog suits vs. every pastel pony on the planet. It didn't matter if they all were pansies. It wouldn't have mattered if they all had Down's syndrome. It was me, against an army determined to purge the world of my Un-Smurfy naughtiness.

An army...

We need an army.

"Skank!" I hollered. Skank came sidling into the cave, averting his eyes. And shielding them with a rag that passed for a towel. And flinching. The flinching was a bit much. Yes, they think I'm hideous, I get the joke. "Yes, oh mighty Dark Lord?" he said.

"Where is the rest of your tribe?"

"Tribe?"

"Yes, tribe. Wolves travel in packs, so do dogs. I don't think Diamond Dogs are much different. And three is a pretty small number for a pack. So where are the rest of you?"

"Told you," Skank grumbled. "They work for Big Boss..." He shuffled his feet.

"And you don't because?"

"Because we ran away and join you," Skank growled. Ah, hah. Thought so. The rest came out quickly enough. "Big Boss make Diamond Dogs slaves. Makes us dig and dig for gems and gold and shinies, kills any who disobey or displease him." The big hairbag actually started whimpering and puddling up. "Never enough food-- Big Boss takes it all. Beats us, starves us... we hate Big Boss. HATE him." His teeth gleamed in the dark of the cave as he snarled. I actually felt a chill run down my back; it was easy to forget these guys were pretty much rottweilers with hands.

"Good." I got up out of my bath and took the tattered rag from him. Ugh. Forget it. I summoned a breeze and dried off that way, then began donning my costume again.

"....Good?" Skank asked in disbelief.

"Good," I repeated. "Because I don't want to worry about any dogs loyal to Big Boss jumping me when my back is turned." I slipped the gorget under the medallion, and clamped my helmet on. "Let's go get the others." My altered voice echoed in the cave.

I stepped out of the cave into the sunlight, Skank at my side. Runt and Mange came scurrying up, curious. "Get your weapons, get your armor," I said. "We're on the move."

They looked at each other, then around at the camp. "Where we going?" Mange asked.

"You're taking me to Big Boss," I said. "I'm going to kick his ass and then we're going to free the Diamond Dogs."

They were pretty enthusiastic about the news. They flung themselves at my feet, yelping and whimpering and groveling, wagging their tails. "Yes! Dark Master Vulcan will free us! Dark Master Vulcan will save us!"

"No more Big Boss! Hurray for new Master Darth Vulcan!"

It was a day's journey from where we were, to where Big Boss held the rest of the Diamond Dog pack. All along the way I pumped the three for information. There were about a hundred Diamond Dogs, all adult. Mostly males, a few bitches. Diamond Dogs send out their adult males to dig mines and hunt for gems, the females and pups staying at home to tend the hearth fires. Skank's group had been on a particularly good vein of gems when Big Boss found them, killed their alpha and put himself in as top dog. They'd been busting their hump for him ever since. When they weren't working the mine, they were sent out by Big Boss to scrounge, steal and loot for more "shinies." Everyone was too afraid to oppose him or disobey him or even to run away-- he killed anyone who displeased him, cooked them and ate them while the others watched. Running away just got you hunted down. The only reason Mange, Skank and Runt had stuck with me was the dim hope that my magic would protect them.

Whoa. Looks like back stage Ponyland just got grimdark.

He had no lieutenants. He didn't need any. Obedience to the Alpha ran that deep in the bone for them. Noone was close to as strong as him, not even a bit, so noone challenged him for Alpha.

This was going to be fairly straightforward. I walk into camp, magically bitchslap the biggest dog there into oblivion, and the others follow me instead of him.

We arrived at Big Boss' territory that evening. It was an enormous cave at the foot of a mountain, with mine cart tracks running in. I could see Diamond Dogs scurrying in and out with loot bags on their backs. Skank hadn't been exaggerating; they all looked pretty ragged and underfed.

We were hunkered down at the top of a rise, watching the goings on. "What we do?" Runt whispered.

I realized I was hunkered down with them. Wouldn't that look good; the Dark Sith skulking around like a burglar. I deliberately got to my feet and planted my skull staff. "We walk in, kick ass, take names, and rule," I said, and started stomping my way down the hill. The trio yelped in dismay and followed after me.

There was a tunnel, large enough for a subway train, that wormed its way back and forth and down into the mountain, lined with torches of glowing crystal. Diamond dogs stared and scattered as I marched into the mine. Too tired, hungry, or scared to do anything, I supposed. They watched us pass with eyes that glowed in the torchlight.

We reached the last turn in the tunnel before I heard the voices. Someone big, loud, and in charge was berating the staff for falling behind on schedule. "This last week has been pitiful," the voice said, booming in the echoing tunnel. "Barely a morsel!"

"But Big Boss," someone quavered in a gravelly voice I'd come to associate with Diamond Dogs. "Veins are playing out! We find less and less, because there IS less and less."

"Then work harder! Dig longer!" the voice roared.

"But workers starving," the second voice protested. "It been so long since we have meat.. flour is rotten, not enough food... "

"Eat grass, eat stones," the voice said, bored. "What should I care? Your bellies are your problem. Meet your quota!"

"No," the voice said, suddenly showing resolve. "We can no work with no food. Alpha is supposed to care for the pack. You Big Boss, you alpha, you supposed to fix this!"

The tunnel rumbled. There was a yelp of terror and a loud crunch. Then a sound uncomfortably like "ptui!" and the crumpled remains of a helmet bounced into the tunnel. "Does anyone else have a problem with their diets?" the voice bellowed. Yelps of terror and the sounds of fleeing dogs answered in the negative.

I had settled into that unnaturally calm state of someone who knows he's suddenly, utterly screwed. I was just ruminating the best tactical retreat when several diamond dogs, fleeing the wrath of their master, came around the bend. They clapped eyes on me, screeched, and bolted away-- most running around and past us, but one of them back the way he'd come.

"What?" came the bellow. "Why do you disturb me further?"

"Big Boss," I heard the dog say. "...Someone here to see you."

".....Wait. What?"

Yup. Doombuggered. I set my shoulders and stepped around the corner. Might as well confirm what I suspected.

The chamber beyond was enormous. It was the size of the Superdome, easy, a huge volcanic bubble of stone big enough to house an airport. It was illuminated  by glowing crystals growing down here and there from the ceiling. I could see tunnels of all sizes lining the walls, leading off to God knows where. Curious Diamond Dogs were peeking out of every tunnel mouth, trying to see what was going on without ending up caught.

In the center was... just... this just stupid huge pile of plunder. Gold. Gems. Shiny junk of every imaginable kind. But mostly gems, judging by the sparkle. And sitting atop that was what had to be, could only be, damn my luck, Big Boss.

My toes and fingers went numb. "Skank, Mange, Runt," I called over my shoulder. "There is something you neglected to mention about Big Boss."

"Yes?" came the faint, and very distant, answer.

"You failed to mention he was a dragon."

Yep. Dragon. An enormous, lime green (damn this technicolor world) dragon. He was long and serpentine, with enormous claws, membranous batlike wings folded along his back, and a face full of gleaming fangs. My best guess had him at two, three hundred feet long from smoking nostrils to barbed tailtip.

For the kids playing at home, let me set a mental image for you. You're at the airport. You see that 747 pulling up to the terminal? It wants to eat you.

"What have we here?" Big Boss said. His chuckles echoed off the walls of the cavern like thunder. He slithered around his hoard, sending gems showering down. "Well, you're certainly odd looking enough, ugly little thing. Who, and what, are you?"

I let him look me in my glowing eyes a minute. I cupped my hand at my side and filled it with blackfire. Pullupthepowerpullupthepowerpullpullpull.... "I am Darth Vulcan," I growled through my speakers.

"And what is a Darth Vulcan?" Big Boss said. "When it's at home with it's feet propped up?" He smirked. The expression did nothing to make him approachable.

catchhimoffguardNownownownowNOWNOW!

"Your replacement," I said, and threw a fireball the size of a truck in his face.

I didn't wait to see the result. As soon as it left my fingers I poured out a torrent of black flame after it, blasting him like a riot hose. He disappeared in a cloud of blood-shot black flame and roiling smoke. The roar of flame was like a jet engine.

I held it till my arm cramped. I dropped my hand, gasping. The smoke and dark parted, and he reappeared... unharmed. Not even singed. I made a feeble little croaking noise.

Okay. F@#$#.

He reared up, fanning his wings. The smoke billowed away from him. I could see the treasure trove glowing with the heat under his claws. "Foolish little warlock," he gloated. "I am immune to any fire. I am a dragon!  I bathe in molten rock. And your magic rolls off my scales like water!"

Frantically I threw a pair of black spectral hands at him, trying to grapple him. F@@#$ he was right, he was more than right--- the black talons couldn't get a grip on him, slipped off him like he was greased. He waved a claw through them, dispersing him like a little kid swiping at a smoke ring someone blew for him.

"Now, allow me to show you REAL fire." He opened his jaws and blasted me.

I screamed like a cheerleader on helium and held up my staff, as if I could block with it. The world turned to flame, flame in every direction. For a split second I felt my cloak, my skin start to smolder. Shit, going out like Anakin Skywalker...

No.

The bubble of terror and anger inside me burst. Purple-green-black exploded out of me, pouring out of my pores, bursting in every direction, pure burning black flame, rage made material. The burning cooled to nothing... I... felt my crackling skin heal, my burning, melting costume mend itself. Improved itself. The swirling black scooped up the detritus around me, loose rock, gems, sand, bits of loose treasure, sucking ore out of the very stones, working alchemy on my armor. Plastic and rubber turned to black iron, carbon steel, cloth rewoven into diamond chain. My clumsily made staff turned to ironwood, topped with a horned skull of blackest iron, burning red gemstones for eyes. The only thing unchanged was the Alicorn Amulet, burning red and grey on my chest.

The flames stopped. The blackfire parted a moment later. I stood there looking down at myself...

Bad. Ass.

I looked up at Big Boss. He had the stupidest expression on his face. "Looks like you're not the only one who's fireproof," I said.

Of course, that still left me alone in a room with a giant angry lizard who could squish me with one foot like a grape. I realized that the moment he came roaring down off his hoard after me.

I wish my high school gym coach could have seen me then. I was the slowest runner in gym class three years running. I could have left the track team in the dust that day.  I avoided Big Boss's claws by barely a claw's length and started making tracks.

I didn't run back down the tunnel, though. Don't ask me why. Just some instinct that told me getting in a long narrow passage with an enormous dragon would not go well for me. Instead I started running around the perimeter of the room, throwing myself forward with bursts of black magic, with Big Boss making lunges at me like a cat going after a pom pom on a string.

Big as the place was, I was running out of options quick. I knocked down several crystal stalactites with magic blasts, raining them on his head. That just seemed to make him madder. Yup, this was a pickle. He couldn't be burned, he was immune to my magic...

I took a shortcut across the top of his treasure pile-- that made him set up a screech; it must have been a mortal insult to walk on a dragon's hoard--- and had to hop for it because the gems and gold were still hot enough to burn. Ding! Idea! He came lunging over the treasure after me as I slid down the other side. I spun on my ankle and poured my alicorn amulet magic into the pile of treasures, praying it would work.

It worked. As he came over the top of the pile, foot-thick ropes of gold, gems and trinkets lashed up out of the mass and coiled around him, pinning his wings to his sides. "WHAT?" he roared.

"You're right, Big Boss, you're immune to my magic, but guess what!" I shouted. "Your treasure ISN'T!" I poured it on; the ropes turned into enormous talons-- my ghost hands, formed out of gemstones and precious metals rather than black purple smoke. They grabbed the dragon around his neck and middle and tail, clutching him tight.

Big Boss seethed and began lashing. He started breathing flames on the golden talons, trying to melt them. "Oh no, none of that!" I said. With a gesture I sent him soaring through the air to smash into the far wall. He hit with a thunderous boom. Before he could get his breath I whipped him back the other way, smashing him into the opposite wall, even harder. That time I heard something crack.

I began ping-ponging him back and forth, wall-wall-floor-ceiling-floor-wall, harder and harder.  He spit up flame as he whacked into the stones. I found enough iron in the room-- mining carts, old cart tracks-- to muzzle him, wrapping the steel around his snout. And kept right on bashing him around.

And every blow made me let out a little more anger. In no time I was screaming profanities as I threw him around. Then I was just screaming, smashing him into the ground over and over and....

My head finally cleared. I dropped my arm, exhausted. He fell to the floor one last time, groaning.

"He did it..." "He beat Big Boss..." I heard muttering and whispering everywhere. I looked up and saw diamond dogs everywhere, peering down in awe from the tunnel entrances. Word was spreading fast. I stood up and turned around, looking at them.

"Big Boss is done," I said. "I have beaten him. I AM YOUR ALPHA NOW!! ME!!" I roared and beat my chest with a fist. Ow. Bruises.

There was silence. Then the cavern was filled with cheers. Diamond dogs came rushing in, jumping and dancing and cheering. Skank, Mange and Runt were first in line, alternating between fawning on me and boasting about how they found them all a new Alpha, here he was, Dark Lord Darth Vulcan, aren't we awesome for finding him first? The whole lot cavorted around all waggy and slobbery and dancing with doggy happiness.

In the middle of the celebration I felt a tug on my cape. "What we do with him?" Runt asked me, pointing at the dragon. Big Boss lay there, bruised and bleeding, bound in chains of his own treasure, glaring at me in hatred.

Dang. What do you do with a giant defeated dragon? Can't exactly drop him off at the pound. "What does it matter?" I scoffed, bluffing for time to think. "He's beaten. He's nothing! Everything he owned is ours. Everything he ruled is MINE." I turned my back on the seething dragon in a show of contempt. "We'll drag him out and dump him in some midden someplace, let him run off to the dragon lands with his tail between his legs." I sneered. "I'm sure we'll all remember him fondly as we count out his hoard--"

The dogs around me suddenly screamed and scattered. I looked back; Big Boss had reared up in his chains, a look of insane rage in his eyes. I could see his belly scales glowing as he built up an enormous fireball. His jaws were still wired shut, but I could see sparks glowing in his nostrils...

I had no time to think. At the last second I telekinetically grabbed two enormous gemstones and corked his nostrils with them. His eyes bulged. His cheeks swelled as the fire raced up his throat. I dove for cover. There was an enormous BOOM, and chunks of red and pink grue rained down everywhere.

I stood up and looked. His head was gone. Completely blown off. The stump smoldered for a bit, then dropped with a crash to the floor. We all stared in stunned silence for a minute. I did the only thing I could think of. I strode over, planted one foot on the neck of the corpse, and shouted to my audience:

"Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!"