I woke up lying on my bed, staring at the stone ceiling of my private chambers. I could hear people shouting at one another; Mange and Skank yelping and barking, Chrysalis screaming at them, boy she was seriously upset, Black Fang saying something, trying to calm them down by the sound of his voice... Someone, a unicorn going by the horn,  was looming over me, silhouetted by the light, wielding a pair of tweezers . The tweezers dipped toward my face.

I immediately became aware of how badly my face hurt. I howled and arched my back as the burning pain covering my face all focused in on one point where the points of the tweezers were digging into my cheek. I would have taken their head off if my hands hadn't been tied to the bed. Immediately hands, hooves, paws were on me, pressing me back down to the mattress. "Hold still, Ted!" Chrysalis shouted in my ear. "It's the doctor, he's trying to help!"

"Hold on, I've got something for the pain," I heard Sawbones say, and something sharp pierced my arm. It took a minute but the tooth-grinding pain peppering my face got fuzzy and distant. Of course, everything else sort of got fuzzy and distant too... "what, no magic?" I mumbled.

"If I knew more about what that sort of magic does to you," Sawbones grunted. "From what I've heard, it can get a bit dicey around you and that amulet." His tweezers went back to work, plucking things out of my face. "It's probably why he got injured in the first place."

It could? I thought about it. Discord came to mind. My magic and his fizzled each other out somehow. Luna had trouble dreamwalking with me-- at least after the first attempt, anyway.  And of course the Elements of Harmony had failed against me, big time.

"What does that 'ave to do wif him gettin' blasted in the mug??" I heard Dodger say.

"I've heard of that pink pony and her 'party cannon,' " Sawbones said. "Something like that can only work with Earthpony Strange Magic. Don't look so surprised, you all-- I'm a pony doctor. We have to know at least a little something about all the kinds of pony magic out there."

"Earth pony what what now?"

"Strange Magic," Chrysalis said testily. She sounded as sharp and snappy as ever, but her hand on my shoulder was surprisingly gentle. "Most people don't know it, but Earth Ponies don't just have magic with earth and growing things. They all have a touch of what the scholars call 'Strange Magic'--- a sort of wild magic. Everything from unlikely dice rolls, to giant mallets popping out from behind their backs, to machinery and gadgets that shouldn't possibly work, but do anyway. The pink one's party cannon was almost certainly one of those. She's a powerful Earthpony mage... probably the match of Twilight Sparkle herself, considering she's one of the Elements." Her grip tightened on my shoulder slightly. "But with Darth Vulcan's magic aura attacking, clashing with hers..."

"Her party cannon stopped working like a party cannon, and started working like a real cannon," Dodger said. I could almost hear the cringe in his voice.

"Thanks, Chrysalis, important safety tip for the future there," I mumbled. I kept talking, saying anything I could think of to distract myself from the feel of tweezers plucking at my face.  "Those trains aren't earth pony made, are they? Not likely to explode on us if I get too close, or anything?"

"Doubtful," Chrysalis said drolly.  "Unless you do something stupid to the boiler. They're trains, they're supposed to be trains, and they're built to work like trains--- not like high-velocity party dispensers. If there's any Strange Magic in their workings, the most that will happen is that they'll work a little less efficiently for us than for an earth pony."

"Again, good stuff to know." At this point I couldn't feel anything. Not my face... or my fingers, toes, butt.... "How bad is it, Doc?" I muttered.

"Bad enough," he muttered. "Your face got peppered, frankly. You didn't lose your lips or ears or anything, but there will be scarring. Nothing particularly gruesome but... it will be there." He plucked at my face with the tweezers one last time and set them aside. With a grunt he magically levitated me into a sitting position, cushions behind my back, and began the process of bandaging my face. I could see everyone now-- Mange, Runk, and Skank, standing there looking anxious and mournful; Pumpkin Patch, looking intimidated by the ponies around her but trying her best to fake it; Black Fang, standing by the door and looking enigmatic and sinister; Artful Dodger on one side of the bed, Chrysalis on the other, her face a careful mask but her eyes full of an emotion I wasn't quite sure of.

I could also see the tools Sawbones had been using on me on a tray. They were spattered with my blood. I shuddered and looked away. "Why'd you do this in my room? We built you that clinic..." It had to be more sanitary than my personal Man Cave.

"It didn't seem a good idea to let the underlings seeing you weak and wounded," Black Fang said.

I wanted to protest that it wouldn't do them to see me later with an infection eating my face, but decided to let it go. "Point," I grunted. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed, despite Sawbones' cranky complaints. My head swam; I felt wrung out like a rag. My face felt stiff. I traced my fingers over the mask of bandages; every inch of skin down to my neck and back to my ears was covered.  I gathered my wits for a second, trying to thing what was next... oh right. "Report," I said. "The raid?"

Dodger had been standing there fidgeting, looking unsettled. Eiderdown was next to him... they never seemed to be apart anymore; my that progressed quickly. At my words he went from nervous to an air of confidence. "Smoov as buttered silk," he said. "We--"

I held up a hand. "Everyone else first. Best for last." I pointed at Black Fang. "You first."

The changeling captain smiled thinly. "The gold heist went flawlessly," he said. "No fatalities, only minor injuries for them or us. We dumped the majority of the gold into the river, and then flew off with a few token bars. A simple illusion made us look like an entire swarm flying off with the haul. It was a simple matter to lose our pursuers after a few miles, circle back and retrieve the gold from the river mud. You now have enough gold bars to build yourself a new throne."

"And a living room suite," Dodger added. "And a gold-brick swimming pool...."

"We did however end up with an unexpected addendum... We were only supposed to tip the boats to capsize the gold into the water... but one actually took on water and sank. It is now waiting at the river bottom for your retrieval."

"Great, always wanted a river barge," I mumbled sarcastically. I looked over at Pumpkin Patch. "And Boss Hoss?"

"Busy congratulating himself that he's alive, and that his pants are washable," she said. Dodger snorted back a laugh. "We got all but the last three cars, counting the caboose, without so much as a scratch on 'em. Flim and Flam are happy as clams; there's enough bulk everything in that load to last them from now to the end of the project. Plus a few extra boxcars of stuff that Boss Hoss was hauling for somepony else to make a little extra cash on the side.  Dry goods, stationery, stuff like that."

I nodded. "Good. Very good. Have them make an inventory of all that-- oh, good," I said as she stuffed a list in my hands. I felt my mood brighten considerably when I read down the list. "And our team?" I looked at Skank.

Skank scratched his head and rolled his eyes. "We not get mirror. We gots train... um, engine and three cars--- if you count one you blowed up."

"Though that wasn't a bad steal, all told," Chrysalis said. "Flim and Flam were drooling over the Manehattan freight train, but the engine of the Crystal Express has them in spasms. They've been alternating between hopping up and down in glee and chasing off the Diamond Dogs who keep trying to steal the shinier bits."

I looked down at my hand suddenly. It was bandaged. "The shard," I said. "Where's the shard?" Chrysalis looked puzzled. "You didn't throw it away--"

"That broken piece of mirror you were holding? No no, it's right there," Sawbones said, pointing at the night table next to me. "You were clutching it in a death grip, we figured it had to be important for some reason." I looked; there was a flat, irregular slab of something, about the size of my hand, wrapped in cloth. I picked it up and unwrapped it hastily; crystal-bright mirror surface gleamed. I sighed in relief.

"What good is that?" Chrysalis said disdainfully. "The mirror is shattered, along with the spell linking it to another world."

"Yeah, but the magic isn't," I said. I regarded my bandaged face in it for a moment. I looked like a cross between a bloodied prize fighter and a mummy. How badly was I messed up under those bandages? I wondered. I pushed the fears down. It wasn't like I was handsome before, I told myself. And if it's bad enough-- I was sure that it could be patched up with the right spell. I hoped so, at least.

"I'll get to this later. For now..." I wrapped the glass shard back up and started to stick it in my shirt pocket, only to realize I was stripped to my underwear. "Get my armor," I said. "And my helmet--- " I recalled my helmet was probably smashed all over the railroad tracks someplace between here and Canterlot. "---my SPARE helmet. I'll worry about a sword later."

"Not a good idea," Sawbones protested. "You're doped up and you lost a good bit of blood..."

"I have to make an appearance," I said. Dodger set to fetching my gear and helping me put it on. My drug-numbed fingers fumbled a bit, but my control was getting better. "And now the grand finale'. Dodger?"

Dodger grinned and lifted his hat. WolfTooth flew out from underneath and hovered before me, holding the SD chip in front of him. I carefully plucked it from his tiny hooves with thumb and forefinger. "It went well?"

"Without a hitch," Dodger said, beaming. His grin faded a little. "I... did she really? Use me like that?" He rubbed at the back of his neck. I could see a little bald patch and a bandage where the rune tattoo had been. I just nodded. He shuddered all over. "Stupid nag," he said under his breath. "If I wasn't an enemy o' the state before, I sure as heck am now."

I put the SD chip into my belt pouch next to the glass. "If she'd been smart she would've just bribed you," I said. "I guess she was afraid the evil Dark Overlord would read your mind or something." Dodger snorted at the tone of my voice. I looked at Chrysalis. "You saw the rune. Did you copy it down like I asked?"

She nodded. "Though I don't see why," she said.

"I'll explain later," I said. I lowered my helmet over my head and clamped the faceplate down, covering my bandaged face. "First, let's go address the unwashed masses."I got to my feet, wobbled, steadied myself, and gathered my cloak around me.

We were back in the main lair. The minions were all gathered in the main chamber, waiting uneasily for news. More than a few had seen me dragged in, unconscious and bloody-faced, and anxious rumors were starting to get around. I could hear them murmuring even before I stepped into the room. But when I did, the whole chamber fell silent. My bandaged face was hidden behind my iron helmet, and if I walked slowly it was gravitas, not injury. Absolutely. But I was running out of steam fast, so I kept it short.

I climbed up the dais to my throne, faced the crowd, and amplified my voice till it rang off the walls. "MY PEOPLE!" I shouted. I lifted one of the gold bars from the loot over my head in my two hands.

"VICTORY!"

The room roared.

"But what did he DO?" Twilight fretted for the thirtieth time.

Celestia, Luna and Twilight were in the Royal Library, overseeing matters as guards and mages tried to figure out what, exactly, had happened the night before. Twilight Sparkle in particular was in a dither. She heard that Darth Vulcan had attacked the library and had gone into hysterics. She'd nearly needed medical intervention, she'd hyperventilated so badly. The moment they'd arrived at the library she'd started going over them in a panic like a mother over a toddler that had taken a tumble.

It had only made what they had found all the more baffling: nothing. None of the books were missing, none were damaged, none had been magically jinxed or cursed or boobytrapped (except for some of the Dark grimoires on display but they had been that way already), none had (as Twilight had suddenly, frantically feared) been magically erased, leaving nothing but  a library full of blank pages... Luna had actually caught her cradling one of the tomes in her hooves, cuddling it in relief. There would be much teasing later on about that.

Still, it was... disgruntling. Even Celestia's feathers were ruffled. It was bad enough that Darth Vulcan hadn't taken the bait. His avarice for books, especially magic tomes, had dictated his every move since his arrival. His first misdeed had been to loot the Ponyville library. He should have gone after a display of rare grimoires like Pinkie Pie after a tray of cupcakes.

Instead he had gone after... well, at first it had seemed like he'd gone after everything BUT the grimoires. One of the treasury's gold shipments, the magic mirror on its return trip to Canterlot, a random freight train.... And little of it made sense. The gold shipment she could understand, even if it seemed a bit greedy. He had a dragon's hoard after all; he couldn't be going broke this soon. She'd inquired with the dragon kingdoms about Big Boss, and his hoard was rumored to be measured in hundreds of tons--- Darth Vulcan would have to be the Emperor of wastrels to have spent it all this quickly. Still, gold was gold.  But the freight train was full of bulk goods and construction materials. And the mirror-- it led to a parallel world with creatures similar to him, perhaps he might have thought of trying to return to his own world through it... or of conquering the world on the other side... but then why had he smashed it?

And then he HAD seemingly gone after the grimoires, after all. The alarms had gone off not ten minutes after Celestia and Luna had left. They had rushed back to learn that Darth Vulcan's loathsome toady had put in an appearance--- only for them to be left utterly baffled, trying to figure out what the traitor to Equestria had actually done. Their bafflement had only doubled when they learned that his master had been somewhere else entirely, and had been grievously injured in the course of his misdeeds...

Thinking of that unpleasant incident... Celestia looked at Twilight, who was suspiciously scrutinizing the shelves around her. "How is Pinkie Pie doing?"

"Indeed, how fares she?" Luna said, frowning. "What happened with Darth Vulcan had to be... most terrible for her."

Twilight was actually distracted from her precious books for a moment. "Not good," she said, shaking her head. "Zecora had a potion that fixed up her teeth on the spot, and other than a bruised tail she's fine... but it isn't her injuries that are bothering her." She cast her eyes down. "I don't think she's smiled once since what happened. Believe me, she'd never willingly harm a living soul--"

"Indeed," Luna said sympathetically. "To have the earth pony magic on her cannon of festivals fail in such a ghastly manner must have been... shattering." Luna looked almost as distraught as Pinkie had been. The pink one had always gone out of her way to lift the night princess out of her gloomier moods. "I will make a point of watching over her dreams in particular these next few nights, to keep them sweet."

"Thank you, Luna," Twilight said sincerely.

A unicorn guard came trotting up to them. "Your highnesses," he said. "We've checked most of the books in this chamber and are moving out into the wings. Do you have any orders?"

"None yet," Celestia said. "Continue as you are. Have you found anything at all?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary. At least nothing we can detect," he replied ruefully.

"What of you, Twilight?" Celestia asked.

Twilight shook her head. "Nothing, not so much as a creased page or a cracked cover," she said. She hefted the book she was examining in her magic. "Not even a hint of magic, except for a few traces of an old transcribing spell. But you get those on library volumes all the time." She set the book down and picked up the next. "Hmm. And on this one too. Must be a popular section...and this one too?" She swept her horn lightly over the row. "All of these have been transcribed rather recently."

Celestia frowned. With a feeling of dread she let her magic sweep down the nearest aisle. Her eyes went wide. "And so has every volume on this aisle!"

Luna turned and trotted to the display of grimoires. Her magic swept delicately over the volumes, careful not to trigger any of the various lingering Dark spells on some of them. "And so have all the Grimoires," she said. The sentence was so portentous that it should have had an accompanying lightning strike outside.

"That clever bastard," Celestia swore. They had all missed it. Libraries used transcription spells all the time, from students copying (or plagiarizing) notes for their studies to archivists making replacements for worn-out copies. It was as much a part of the background in a library as the smell of ink and paper. But a second look revealed that every book in the collection had been copied at the same time. "Check the stacks," she said to the unicorn guard. "Tell them to check for when they were last hit with a copying spell. We have to know what he went after." He nodded and galloped off, barking the order. The three princesses started scanning the shelves as well.

In moments voices began calling from every corner of the building. Then still more. Celestia, Luna and Twilight finished screening the room they were in and stood aghast. "All of them?" Twilight said, speaking what they were all thinking and not believing. "He transcribed every book in the library?"

"And of course the tomes on display," Luna said grimly. "Our foe is cunning beyond belief. The transcription spell was made centuries after these volumes were written: it would have bypassed all the curses and protective hexes the sages put on their volumes, and given him a clean, un-hexed copy to read at his leisure."

"But HOW?" Twilight protested, her mane popping strands loose. "He's copied everything! The Starswirl wing, the restricted section, the fiction volumes--- even the trashy paperback novel rack! It would take a warehouse full of paper to copy it all!"

"And bathtubs full of ink," Luna agreed. "And yet, he has done it."

"But how?" Twilight yelled. "HOW?"

The chamber was the size of a train station. Technically, that was what it was, what with two trains inside it. Minotaurs, ponies, and diamond dogs were teeming like ants, unloading the cargo and either stacking it on the other side of the enormous room or scurrying off with it to storerooms scattered around the complex. Heart Root was there along with his diamond dog diggers, all piled around one of the Flim Flam's idle tunneling machines and looking particularly exhausted. "Hope you're satisfied," he grunted wearily when he saw me. "We was up all night diggin' this out. Even with the tunnelers it was a job and a half."

"Is this all of it?" I said, eyeing the growing stacks of stuff.

"Nah," Heart Root said, pointing to a nearby doorway. "New storeroom through there. Them two carny ponies saw what was in a couple them cars, figgered you'd want what was in 'em stashed separate." I nodded and made my way to the door.

I came to a halt just inside the doorway. It was a room as big as the one before, and despite how it hurt my cut lips, I smiled when I saw what was waiting for me in it. Boss Hoss had apparently been hauling a shipment of stationery for someone...

"Books?" Chrysalis said, puzzled.

"Journals. Blank writer's journals," I said. "Four boxcars full. Eight by ten, hardback, two hundred pages. And half a flatbed of ink in fifty-gallon drums." I walked past the rows of pallets and drums and contemplated the room, the pallet, the general dimensions... "hmm, okay, should be enough room in here-- ceilings are nearly 10 feet high... " It might get tricky, I decided; I was going to have to do a construction spell on the fly while the other spell ran, and I'd have to summon more wood and nails from the piles of cargo--- but I thought I could do it.

"Okay, let's do this," I said. I reached into my belt pouch and pulled out the chip; I readied another spell in my spare hand.

"Transcribe."

Magic began flowing through the air. The valve on the first drum opened and ink began flowing through the air as well. Lines were etched on pages, drying instantly; In mere minutes the first pallet of books had been printed out. I stacked them neatly in one corner and continued. The moment the pallet was emptied it was magically ripped apart and reassembled as crude shelving in the back of the room, and books flew to stack themselves neatly on the rough boards. More boards and tubs of nails (accompanied by yelps of surprise) began floating in from the next room in a steady stream; clattering boards and jingling nails assembled themselves into still more shelves as self-writing books stacked themselves neatly in place.

I could have never done this on my own back then; it was far too many things for one mind to keep track of at once, and I lacked the skill to make such carefully constructed spells on my own. But the Alicorn Amulet did most of the heavy lifting there, automatically tracking and assembling paper, ink, boards and nails for me  as smoothly and methodically as a computerized assembly line.

As for those with me, they could only gape in awe as I literally recreated the largest library in Equestria from scratch with a wave of my hand. Tremble in awe of the Great and Powerful Darth Vulcan, suckers.

It took nearly half an hour. The last shelf was crudely nailed together, the last book inked and stuck on its shelf. I used the last few boards to build a chair, dispelled the magic, and slumped down into my seat. "Done," I croaked.

Artful Dodger, Chrysalis, and the others stared in awe at the shelves of shiny new volumes. "I don' believe it," Dodger breathed. "I mean, I saw the spell at the library, an' I just saw this--- but I still don' believe it!"

"This is incredible," Chrysalis said. She broke into a cackle. "You did it. You literally stole Princess Celestia's entire royal library--"

I had a flashback to those moronic "anti-piracy" ads that the greed-sucking RIAA had come up with a couple years back. 'You wouldn't download a car, would you?' What are you, a moron? Of course I would. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining; I knew the difference between copying something and stealing it for real. I chuckled out loud. "Copied, not stolen," I said. "But they can't be too happy I have it anyway." I got to my feet and regarded my work. "I have every book of magic and more, even those 'forbidden' grimoires she put on display," I made a sweeping gesture. "All of Equestria's knowledge--- magical, scientific, historical, whatever--- right at my fingertips!"

Dodger got an odd look. "Uhhh, yeah," he said, poking at one shelf with a hoof. "But, umm, yer Darkship, if you don't mind me askin'...." He hesitated.

I looked at him, annoyed. "What?"

He waved his hoof at the shelves. "How are you gonna find anything?"

I looked up at my countless thousands of books. My countless thousands of brand new, black-bound, unlabeled, perfectly identical books.

"Well, SH---"