First order of business; finding a new lair.

I was loth to leave the Everfree. It was a fairly huge chunk of land, for one thing, with plenty of hiding places, and it provided its own natural defense against trespassers, which made my life easier.

The flight from the lair had been textbook perfect. We had taken everything that wasn't nailed down with us, and pulled up half of whatever was left, so supplies and equipment and such weren't a problem. So what did we end up doing?

What diamond dogs do best. We stopped at a random location somewhere in the Everfree, and dug straight down. Upside, since it was in dirt rather than in rock, we quickly had a warren of spacious tunnels that went down hundreds of feet and stretched for miles. We finished excavating just in time, too; the autumn weather had imploded all at once, turning to hard, blowing snows.The ponies had been a little freaked, muttering about Everfree weather and winter being two weeks ahead of schedule. But hey, we were out of it.

Downside, it was in dirt. The old lair had been dug almost entirely in stone. Here, no such luck. It was dark and damp and even with stay-dry and waterproofing spells everything smelled of earthworms. Everything was shored up and reinforced with wooden beams and stone, but it was still dirt floors, dirt walls, dirt ceiling, dirt in your shoes, dirt in your food.... It was kind of starting to grate on me that every time I won some sort of victory in this lousy world, my personal circumstances got a little bit worse. I did what I could with magic, fusing walls and ceiling into hardened clay, but there were miles of tunnels and chambers and more all the time...

The toilet worked, at least. Darn right I'd had them fit me out a proper bathroom. First to-do project after we dug everything out. One of the ponies had turned out to be a plumber. Heh. I had one throne of iron and one of porcelain.  all it took was one ex-con pony with a plunger cutie mark and a pipe wrench. what the hell was this guy doing in prison?  I had a tub, I had a sink, I had properly tiled walls, ceiling and floor... all it needed was a TV set and a mini fridge and I'd have the perfect man-cave. At the least, for a half hour or so each day, I had a sanctuary from the Candyland-meets-World of Warcraft insanity all around me.

Oh, don't get me wrong, the rest of my quarters were pretty sweet too. Big sumptuous bed, candelabras with expensive forever-last magic candles, plush rugs over the slate stone floor... all very plush. But... it still reminded me that I wasn't, well, home. On the other hand, weird as it is, a pony bathroom is pretty indistinguishable from the porcelain and tile fortress of solitude back on earth. Except for the bidet. Wooeee, was that a surprise the first time I discovered it. Makes sense, though. Fur and all. And how would they wipe....?

Note to self; never never never let yourself wonder how the Diamond Dogs handled the problem. No. Stop thinking about it now.

Anyway, it was another day in the lair, and I was in the bathroom of solitude taking a long hot shower and feeling fairly good. We were fortified and dug in. We were protected first by the Everfree, and by the wild winter raging overhead as well-- no way Sunshine Butt and her Moon flunky were gonna send ponies out in this. We were stocked to the rafters with supplies. My trots had finally cleared up. I wasn't any closer to figuring out who or what had dragged me to this world, but at the moment I was feeling pretty much on top of it.

I stepped out of the shower, dried my hair, threw on a big fluffy bathrobe (stitched together by Big Mama's eldest daughter from several smaller pony-sized ones), and threw the door open.

Queen Chrysalis was lying in my bed. She was clothed in a lacy, fur-trimmed pink negligee and was toying with my discarded helmet. "Greetings, my lord," she purred.

I closed the door.

I don't know how long I stood there in my bathroom, my hand on the doorknob, while my brain tried to realign all its little gears. The hell had I just seen, again? That could not have been real. I opened the door and looked again.

She was still there, lounging like Scheherazade on my silk bedspread, doing her best to give me bedroom eyes. I don't know why I didn't fireball her then and there. I think too many parts of my mind were still running around trying to confirm whether or not I'd had a stroke and was hallucinating it all. I telekinetically yanked my skull-sword from the wall to my hand and leveled it at her while I stood there trying to look intimidating. "How did you get in here, Chrysalis?" (whoa, I'd managed the voice even without the helmet.)

She cocked an eyebrow at me and burst into green flame. When the flames cleared, she resembled one of my diamond dogs. In a pink negligee. "Point made, and never do that again," I said, rubbing my eyes. Another flash of green and she was back to herself again. It seemed I should have put my Changelings guarding the entrances and exits.  "All right, you have gone to the trouble of sneaking into my lair. I don't hear fighting in the halls so I'm guessing it's just you. You didn't jump me from behind-- which was smart because if I didn't kill you my loyal minions would have-- so you obviously want something. Fine.

"What. Do. You. Want."

She lounged across the bed and made duck lips at me. "You."

It took me at least five minutes to say it. "What."

She stretched out like a cat. "It is the Changeling way. You have conquered me, completely. I am now yours..."

I said the words like I was cranking them out with a rusty winch. "And by that you mean...?"

She studied me under half-lidded eyes. "You're young but you've obviously gone through puberty. You're old enough to figure it out. What do you think?"

Oh what the flip de doo.

I went to my front door and stepped out of the room into the hallway.

"GUARDS!!!"

Several diamond dogs and changelings came running, led by Black Fang and Artful Dodger. They were a little startled to see me out of my armor and wearing nothing but a bathrobe (yeah, I saw a few grimace when they looked at my face) but I ignored it. I addressed Black Fang. "Chrysalis is in my room. She has just informed me that by Changeling tradition, she is my prize of war. Care to explain this?"

To my disgruntlement several of the changelings started cheering and making noises of approval. "Oooh, lucky drone--" "Whoa Momma--" "Congratulations--"

"SHADDAP!" I shouted. "You," I pointed to Black Fang. "Talk!"

Black Fang shrugged. "She is probably telling the truth, Dark Lord," he said. "Female changelings are.... hard wired in certain ways. Swarm Queens especially so.

"Such as?" I made 'get to the point' motions with my hands.

"They become..." he waved a hoof, searching. "... attached to any male that subdues them. Or no, more like... bonded? It's hard to explain." He thought for a moment. "Let me start over from the beginning. You know that Changelings are all about subterfuge. Disguise, deception, stealth, striking from the shadows and running away. correct? Well, it is correct. Except," he paused. "Except when we're seeking a mate. We become more aggressive-- the same as when we're swarming-- and the females become more susceptible to dominance displays.

"Displays of courage, bravado, dominance, are incredibly rare in Changelings, generally speaking. When a male steps up and, well, subdues a female, or performs some powerful assertive act---"

"... it hits her right in the hormones," I finished for him.

"And in the case of Queens, for whom everything is a hundredfold.....makes them susceptible to a powerful instinctive bonding," Black Fang said. "For instance, having their hive defeated, then being rescued from certain doom...." He trailed off.

I facepalmed. The events of the battle of the castle of the two sisters were playing back through my head.  "Wait. So you're saying because I manhandled her, took away some of her changelings, and then rescued her from a swarm of giant man eating plants, she's, she's imprinted on me like some sort of giant baby duckling?"

"More like hormonally locked onto you. She can see you, and only you, as her ideal. She is determined to..."

"Pound you like a whack-a-mole game?" Artful Dodger contributed cheerfully.

Two of the changelings started sniggering. I pointed at them. "You. Beavis. Butthead. Shut up." (and thus they were named for the rest of their days.) I couldn't believe this. A giant alien cockroach-horse wanted to jump my bones because I went Alpha Male on her for a few seconds.

"I was going to say 'make you her brood partner," Black Fang said sarcastically to a snickering Dodger. "But yes, um, that generally follows."

Just then I noticed it was awfully quiet on the other side of my chamber door. WAY too quiet.

I motioned for quiet, leveled my sword, and pushed open the door.

Chrysalis was still on the bed. "Oh, my dark lord, you return--"

"Don't call me that."

"But you are. We are bonded. Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" She crawled across the bed toward me eagerly. "Imagine, Darth Vulcan, what our new breed of Changelings will be like--- stronger, more powerful--"

"We're not even the same species!!"

"Changeling heredity is... rather more flexible," she purred. "We are capable of interbreeding with ponies, after all..."

Okay, that did not paint a pretty picture. I kept the sword between us. "And I repeat, we're not even the same species," I said grimly.

She rolled her eyes, the worldly-wise amused at the dilettante. "I am a changeling, my love," she said. "You think I'm ignorant of the role of appearance in physical attraction?" Green fire flared; she was a silky maned alicorn pony. "Just think." The fire flashed again and she was now a gryphon. Gryphoness? "I can be any female you desire." Flash. She was now a butter yellow pegasus with a pink mane and a shy voice. "Any fantasy you have." Flash. She was a batpony. "any at all." Flash. Now she was a minotaur--

I think she finally picked up on my facial expression. That or the strangled sounds of horror I was making. She clicked her tongue. "Oh. One of those. Your own kind only, hm?" She eyed me up and down. I hastily closed my robe. "Well, let's see if we can't get something closer to your filly next door... hmm, bipedal, sparse body hair, plantigrade, uhm hm..."

There was a prolonged flash. When the flames parted, I nearly swallowed my tongue. I stared, popeyed. She stood up by the bed gracefully,all but nude save for that see-thru negligee, hands on her hips. "Oh fine! What? What did I get wrong?"

"Well for starters," I said in a strangled tone, "Those don't go down there..."

She looked down. "Oh, then where?" I sort of pointed to her upper torso. "Oh the chest? Odd." With a quick flash of fire she moved them up where they belonged. "How's that?"

I can't.... I just can't describe how wrong she got it. It wasn't that she was wildly off--- well, except for the boob thing. It wasn't like her knees were on backwards or she still had holes in her limbs or anything.  She was close. that's what made it worse.

Can you imagine a life size barbie doll? Okay, now try and imagine a barbie doll designed by someone who has never even seen a human female, not even a cartoon drawing, but who is working from a written description. A really really incomplete written description. Everything was disproportionate. Her eyes, her head, her limbs, boobs, butt, everything. She didn't just fall into the uncanny valley, she established a base camp, built fortifications and was now fording her way up the near slope with a horde of creepy baby dolls and horrifying clowns bringing up the rear.

My gargled response to her new form communicated the problem clearly. She gave a growl of frustration and turned back into herself, and the fact that I thanked God she did should say all that needs to be said about her "human" form. "Are your species' males so hard to please?" she snapped irritably. Then she softened and strode across the room-- bipedally, I noted-- crooning to me. "Oh well that doesn't matter, we can figure it out as we go. No matter my form I can surely please--"

I Snot Cannoned her to the wall.

"What? Again?" she screeched. "I do not believe this! I offer you my crown, my servitude, my very body and you reject me? How dare you! How dare you, you miserable, pasty, half-bald-- " she shot a glance down and sneered-- "under endowed talking monkey! How dare you do this to a Queen of the--"

I found the door to the hallway and backed out. I re-tied my robe (that last remark stung), closed the door firmly and magically sealed it.

I just stood there and facepalmed, my temples throbbing. "Okay, gimme the straight dope," I said wearily to Black Fang. "How much of a threat is she? Can she, I dunno, take the changelings over again?"

Black Fang shook his head. "She's completely cut off. Her only connection to the hive is through you, now." I flinched; I thought I had imagined that odd Geas-like tendril I'd seen with my magic-vision. "For all her power and ancient knowledge, she is bonded to you as surely as I and my soldiers."

"Seriously?"

"Brood bonding is like that. It prevents defeated queens from re-taking power, while ensuring their loyalty... and their bloodlines.... to the hive." He shrugged. "Less of an issue during non-swarming generations, but there you have it."

We all paused.  "Well, boss?" Artful Dodger said with a grin. "You gonna..."

I stuck my finger under his nose. "Finish that question and spend the next week shoveling out the hydra pens," I hissed.

"We no more have hydra pit," one diamond dog pointed out.

"I'll make a new one," I snapped. The crowd around my doorway got quiet. It was in that moment of chilled silence that I heard it.

She was crying.

"Aw @#$+. Now THIS crap?" I groaned. I stepped back inside, not lowering my sword. She was hanging there, blubbering like she'd lost the homecoming crown at the prom.

"What now?" she snuffled at me angrily. "Is not my humiliation complete? You take the Tree of Harmony from me; take my hive from me--"

"How? I only severed a dozen or so from you," I said.

"There were only a few dozen left," she snarled soggily. "Then you broke the Geas. Cut its threads. You took what you wanted, and what you left behind unraveled like a cheap sweater." Her eyes turned wet and wobbly. "The instant they knew the Geas was broken they all left me. All of them. Not a one stayed, not a single one... not even the little fat one who picked his nose all the time..." Her head drooped. "M-my whole Swa-a-a-rm huh-ha-ted me..." tears gushed.

"And you expected loyalty from them?" I snorted. "You enslaved them, treated them like dirt-- you had them bashing their faces in against a force field!"

She didn't hear a word. "And then you step in and make yourself king of the hive--- you defeat me, reduce me to nothing but a brood drone, bind me, then save me from the plunder vines, like some damned hero out of every changelingette's dream, toying with my affections..."

"Toying with your--??"

"And then when I offer myself to you, you reject me toooo-ooo-oooo!!" Her lament ended on a mournful howl. She was racked with sobs and tears, wailing and horking and blubbering.

"I've seen soap opera plotlines less ridiculous than this," I grumbled. "Fine." I stepped back into my room. Chrysalis was still sniffling and weeping. I found a handkerchief and jammed it up to her face. "Blow." Mystified, she blew her nose. I mopped her face off, more or less, and turned to the door. "DODGER!!"

Artful Dodger and not a few rubbernecking minions piled in. I saw one of the changelings stare at the ex-queen stuck to the wall, and then chitter something under his breath to his buddy. They both sniggered. I ignored them.

Well I ignored them after shooting the wall over their heads with a blackfire bolt.  "Cut her down," I said. They moved to obey. "Find her a chamber. Outfit it as suits a Queen. All the amenities. Provide her with maidservants to see to her.

"Set four guards-- no more than two changelings at a time-- outside her door. Change them out twice daily. If she causes any trouble--- well, then, they can escort her to more fitting quarters in the dungeon."

They finished cutting her down. I stuck my finger under her nose. "You are under probation," I said. "set one hoof out of line, give your guards or your maidservants or me ANY CRAP AT ALL, and your next stop will be Celestia's throne room wrapped up in a ribbon and a bow. Got it?"

"As my Lord wishes," she simpered. The guards led her from the room.

I looked over at Artful Dodger. "Well what are you waiting for? Go round up some furniture and crap for her room!" He smirked and tipped his top hat to me before galloping out the door.

I waited until everyone was gone. Then I let myself do the heebie-jeebie dance for a few minutes. Cripes, I needed another shower.

Before you jump to any conclusions, some things had been running through my head after speaking with Black Fang. Words like "power" and "vast arcane knowledge." Chrysalis rivaled Celestia and Luna for power, and if Black Fang was speaking the truth then I had her on a handy-dandy leash. I could use that power. I could certainly pump her for answers to my questions about how I got here, and what the alicorn amulet had to do with it all.

All I had to do was keep her under control and devoted to me, get some useful work out of her, all whilst keeping her from climbing into my pants. "Great," I muttered. "Other evil overlords get a sexy evil sorceress wrapped around their leg, what do I get? A giant nymphomaniac pony cockroach."

I went and took another shower.

Day Court was going smoothly when proceedings were interrupted by the sound of Princess Luna approaching. The lunar diarch was using the Royal Canterlot Voice at full blast, and wasn't sounding like she was going to stop any time soon. What made Celestia's ear quirk was that Luna wasn't using it in her usual fashion.

She was laughing.

Celestia dismissed the court and motioned for everypony to leave the throne room. The last courtier left just as Luna came staggering in, bellowing with laughter so loud it made the rafters ring.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Luna, is something the matter?" Celestia said.

"Her majesty has just received word from her agent in the field," said the batpony accompanying her. He watched with a grimace as his Princess threw herself over the arm of the throne, slapping the air helplessly with one hoof.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Excellent!" Celestia said, raising her voice to be heard over her hysterical sister. "What word do we have?" Luna's only response was to finally run out of air and droop over the arm of her sister's throne, squeaking.

"It seems Darth Vulcan and Queen Chrysalis have..." the batpony hesitated.

Celestia looked distressed. "Oh no, don't tell me they've formed an alliance??" she said.

Luna's contribution was a massive "Hyeeeeeeeeek" as she sucked in air.

The batpony grimaced and looked slightly green. "In a manner of speaking..."

"AAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!"