"...And naow we foind owaselves in the middle of the Evah-free Forest, 'Unting the evah-elusive creachah known as a Darth Vulcan..."

"Discord, if y'all don't shuddup, I'm gonna kick your jaw into your brainpan."

Twilight groaned silently. This little reconnaissance expedition was barely an hour long and already tempers were fraying.

It had been a tense and nerve-racking two weeks since Darth Vulcan had abducted Diamond Tiara. Despite him disappearing into the Everfree, his presence was still felt. His Diamond Dogs were still out and about, thieving from houses and farms near the edges of the forest and attacking caravans, pilfering whatever they could. Their focus had been largely on books, which baffled the victims but made Twilight nervous. She definitely knew that knowledge was power; if anyone could appreciate what sort of damage the right book in the wrong hooves could do, it was her. His spying eye spells were even more unnerving; here was somepony who valued information and strategic intelligence.

On her own advice, Celestia and Luna had sent troops to Ponyville by train and under cover of illusion. It had been brutally difficult weaving the illusion spell that now covered Ponyville and kept the military preparations hidden from Darth Vulcan's prying eyes, but necessary. Darth Vulcan could not have any hint of what was planned, if they were to defeat and capture him.

For all the subterfuge, It was a fairly straightforward plan. She and the other Bearers would track down Darth Vulcan's lair.... which was proving fairly easy. Despite Darth Vulcan's best efforts, he had failed to obscure his trail completely. There were still chunks of Darth Vulcan's makeshift road left behind. A careful scrying spell had finally enabled Twilight Sparkle to eliminate all the false trails; they were now following the true path to Darth Vulcan's lair like a pack of bloodhounds.

Once they found the lair, Then they would send up a magic flare and call in the Royal Guard, a squadron of armored earth ponies and unicorns in pegasus-drawn chariots that were even now waiting in Ponyville for the signal to go airborne.  They would dive in and pull the kidnapped filly to safety. He would be overwhelmed by sheer magical and physical firepower and taken prisoner. Alicorn Amulet or no, Diamond Dog army or no, nopony could take on two dozen of Equestria's finest unicorn, pegasus and earth pony soldiers.

"Oooo, ain't she a beaut!"

"I swear, Discord..."

Assuming she could keep the search party from killing each other, she amended with a mental sigh. Princess Celestia had insisted on Discord accompanying them. He was easily the most powerful magical being in Equestria, if not the world, and if they confronted Darth Vulcan he would come in handy. If he could be relied on, at any rate.

Discord was apparently feeling especially peppy today, and had been driving the rest of the party up the wall with his antics. He had spent the last hour running around in khaki shorts and a pith helmet, doing an appalling Hosstralian accent and calling himself "the Cragodile Hunter." He seemed to take special pleasure in irritating the crap out of Rainbow Dash. Of course the short tempered pegasus made herself an easy mark...

He appeared next to Twilight at that moment. He stuck his head in her line of sight, whispering conspiratorially. "See that theyah?" He pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was standing with her back turned to them, staring off into the forest at nothing. "That theyah is a Ponyville Rainbow Dash. Deadliest breed uv Dash in the wuhld. One bite and I'd be dead in ten seconds flat!..."

He picked up a fallen branch. "Oi'm gonna go poke it wiv a stick." Before Twilight could say anything he'd tiptoed over.

"OW! HEY!"

"Oi, she's angry! She's angry! Wotch yerselves mates!" Discord leapt back, flailing his arms in mock panic.

"Discord," Fluttershy chided. "That's not very funny." The snorts and snickers from some of the others belied this. Applejack in particular looked like she was having a hard time not laughing. Dash glowered at her friends, ruffling her wings.

"Hail no, it was dayum hysterical," Zecora said. This earned her an extra-poisonous look from Dash. Pinkie Pie didn't even bother trying; she just rolled on the ground giggling.

"Now Discord, this is no time to be playing jokes," Fluttershy said. "Please wait until after we've rescued the filly, all right?"

Discord grumbled but discarded his 'cragodile hunter' gear. "You ponies are no fun," he groused. He looked over at Zecora. "And might I ask what happened to your ever-so-charming accent?"

"She blew her cover," Applejack said sarcastically, cocking an eyebrow at the zebra. "Seems that whole 'out of the darkest jungles of Zebrababwe' routine was a load of hooey."

"Aw sheddup," Zecora snorted. "Yawl ever try to be an herbalist wid a West Fillydelphia accent? Admit it, none o' yawl woulda lissen to one word Ah evah said if ah din't talk like dat an' dress like dis. Hippa-crits."

Several of the ponies looked awkward. "There's.... more than a touch of truth to that, I'm afraid,"  Rarity said. "Ponies do judge you by your appearance and your dialect."

"Sho nuff," Zecora said. "Looka Miss Thang here!" She pointed to Rarity. "Think she'd sell her dresses if'n she talked like ah do?? And ah bet every pony hears Applejack talk and takes forty IQ points right off the top--"

"Hey now...!"

"Oh like you don't do it on purpose..."  Zecora batted her lashes as she waded through the undergrowth. "Oh, y'all, don't mind mah simple country ways... business deal? Why shore, but oh me oh my, ah cain't be sure I understand all them fancy mathematicals..." the accuracy of the imitation made the others jump.

"It ain't like that," Applejack protested. Her scrunching nose and darting eyes gave her away. The others regarded her suspiciously.

"As entertaining as this is, could we possibly get back to confronting the Villain du Jour? I'm a busy draconequus and I haven't got all day," Discord said.

There was an explosion of sound and darklight, and Darth Vulcan appeared in the middle of their group.

"I couldn't agree more," he said.

I'd been watching the little group for some time... the six Elements, a zebra, and a weird flying chimera of some kind. Didn't these ponies believe in sending soldiers for this sort of thing? They were obviously looking for me. Well, I had been planning for this. This was the part where I'd find out if I had all my ducks in a row. I teleported into the middle of the group (and yes I heard the line. I couldn't resist.)

I guess my entrance was pretty dynamic. At least it got their attention; they all dropped into fighting stances. The pegasi and the alicorn went airborne.

Okay, let's analyze: Two earth ponies and a zebra, two pegasi and an alicorn, and a chimera of some sort. Three, no four, fliers, three magic casters. Step one, eliminate the airborne advantage. I flicked out my hand and a green misty cloud enveloped the four with wings. They coughed, gagged, and sneezed; their was a loud "pop" and an explosion of feathers. When the mist cleared, the pegasi and the alicorn were sprawled on the ground, their wings plucked. They set up a screech when they saw what had happened, the rainbow one especially.

I pointed with my staff. Vines erupted from the ground, coiling around the now ground-bound group of ponies. The pink one jumped clear; I caught her on the backswing with a force field, trapping her in a bubble. She yelped and flailed around, unable to find purchase on the slippery inside with her hooves.

"Time to child-proof the unicorns," I sang. Red rubber balls appeared on the tips of the unicorn horns. Just in time, too. Sparks flew as Twilight Sparkle tried to cast some sort of spell.  It'd taken some time to enchant those things, and they wouldn't last nearly as long as the gold rings the book described, but I'd figured that jamming a soft rubber ball on the pointy end of a horn was going to be easier to do on the fly than trying to slap a ring down on one. Plus it was worth it just for the look on Twilight Sparkle's face.

"Discord! Stop him!" the yellow one, Flutterbye I think it was, shouted.

The chimera kept right on flying and resprouted feathers on his one wing with a wave of his hand. "Oho, you're an interesting one," it said, chuckling. "About time I got a chance to cut loose a little." He snapped his fingers at me. Then frowned and snapped them again. "Hold on here, give me a sec..." he muttered.

I didn't give him a sec. I wheeled about and fired off a bolt of balefire at him.

Now I'll have you know I'd been working on my costume and gear a bit. Turning everything to black ensorcelled metal and gems hadn't been enough for me. I'd taken my staff and worked it over into a proper magic tool. This staff was now a focus and an amplifier for my spells, like the extended barrel of a gun. The bolt of red-black flame I shot at him was bigger, stronger, faster, and darker than any I'd thrown before. It splashed against him and fizzled to nothing.

He yowped in surprise. "Wuhoah, want to play rough, do you?" he snarled. He swelled up like a maddened snake. "Well, no kid gloves for YOU, pal!" He held out his claws and sent a roiling cloud of energy at me.

I went "eep" and countered with a staff-driven blast of my own. Both blasts met in the middle... and sort of splished against each other, fizzling out again.

We stared at each other for a second, him looking as confused as I felt-- then both of us struck at the same time. Both of us poured it on double-handed, a torrent of power, an express-train of power meeting an express-train of power. They met and...

Sloshed past each other, neutralized. They washed over each of us, him bathed in my backwash, me bathed in his. Almost immediately he started weakening... but to my panic, so did I. I could almost feel myself being drained...

In moments both of us sputtered out. We stood there for a moment, grimacing at each other and holding our clawed hands out at each other like two kids playing pretend wizards. Then we both dropped our arms, panting.

"Oh no, to heck with this. You're on your own," the chimera said suddenly, and disappeared.

"Discord!" Twilight shrieked.

I stood there leaning on my staff, trying to look casual and confident without looking exhausted. That chimera thing's magic had drained me somehow. I couldn't even light a match, I didn't think. I could feel my strength returning but I was going to need a minute. I stalled for time. "So that's his name?" I said. "I'll remember it the next time we meet. Someone should be able to print it on his gravestone."

"Don't flatter yourself," Twilight said. Already they were struggling getting free of the vines holding them. The bubble holding the pink one burst; she fell to the forest floor and ran to help her friends. And yes, dammit, they had the Elements with them again. Next time I would chuck those stupid things in a volcano."Come on, girls, we can still take him!"

"Don't flatter yourselves," I retorted. I pulled out a dog whistle, put it through a hole in my mask and blew. Yes, I had a dog whistle. Halloween pranks, remember? They were great for making people's dogs go bonkers. Rumbling growls could be heard. All around us, glowing eyes appeared in the shadows of the trees.  

Glowing, purple-greeny-black eyes.

Timberwolves aren't really animals, or even plants. They're more a... sort of wad of wild magic and dead wood that glommed together and THINKS it's a wolf. I'd found I could control them even more easily than I controlled the trees and plants in the Everfree. I just infused them with my purple-black magic, replacing the green glow normally inside them, and they were mine. Fierce, loyal, perfectly obedient, ready to obey my every whim.

I had a dozen of them surrounding us. They crept out of the undergrowth, darklight bubbling out of their eyes, and began circling the ponies. Twilight zapped one to kindling. Applejack bucked another in two. They quickly reformed into a single, larger beast, and continued circling.

"Better call for backup," I said, amused.

Twilight snorted. "In a minute you're gonna wish you hadn't said that." She strained; The ball on her horn smoked, and then crumbled to bits. She raised her head and fired a burst of magic into the sky.

Back in Ponyville, the squadron leader spotted the starburst of magic over the Everfree. "That's the signal, men!" he shouted over his shoulder. "Get these wagons airborne!" To the cheers of the townsfolk, they took off. With startling speed and efficiency, the warrior-laden chariots lifted off from the Ponyville town square and arrowed their way to where the Princess had signaled.

Five minutes after the last chariot had flown off, the town exploded into chaos. Without any warning whatsoever, dozens of buildings suddenly found themselves playing host to hordes of diamond dogs, who burst up out of the basements and cellars and even up through the floors. Ponies ran into the streets screaming in panic, abandoning their stores and shops.

Exactly as planned.

The dogs were under strict orders to do nopony any injury. One hostage had been enough to cause headaches; the Dark Lord wanted nothing to do with frantic or worse, vengeful families coming after them. Their only interest was in the loot.

Sugarcube Corner lost all its baking supplies, all the baked goods for that day, and most of their utensils and kitchen equipment. Golden Oaks library was suddenly short of several shelves. Carousel boutique was plundered for cloth, thread, and sewing gear. The hardware store, the Quills and Sofas, the flower shop, the jewelry store, even the booths and stands in the marketplace... every place was plundered.

Every place, oddly enough, except for Rich's Barnyard Bargains.

The dogs loaded their plunder into sacks, dove back down their tunnels and disappeared, leaving the streets in panic, unhindered by even a single pony.

While the Diamond Dogs were busy in town, I was in the middle of a rolling battle with the Elements and a rapidly growing number of flying chariots. I had seriously under-estimated how much power they were willing to bring to bear. Of course, they were still kind of underestimating me, too. I had regained my strength fast, and was whipping chariots out of the sky with whirlwinds and lightning bolts left and right while their magic bolts were bouncing off my invisible shield (so....awesome..!) without leaving a scratch.And just to keep anything with wings on their toes, I'd summoned a few swarms of bats. Man, those pegasus stallions screamed like little fillies.

The Elements of Harmony were up to their cute little pony necks in it too. My timberwolves were harrying them, keeping them from grouping up and pulling off their Sailor Moon Princess Power routine. They would blast or buck a few only to have them reform and attack, with more wolves arriving by the minute.

Still, the magical firepower coming my general way was getting worse. Perhaps it was time for a strategic retreat. I decided to pull a new trick out and dissolve into mist. Kerpoof, me-cloud. Awesome. I streaked away in a ribbon of mist-- only to be brought up short by an invisible wall. I re-formed, rubbing my mask over where my nose was. It hadn't actually hurt but I'd expected it to. A quick look around revealed that I was in a forcefield bubble about the size of a wrestling ring... me and a unicorn stallion in extra fancy armor.

"Your reign of terror ends here," he said. He magically levitated a sword and aimed it at me.

What? Seriously? I didn't know where to begin. Was Allan Funt hiding in the bushes? I fished in my pocket for another smoke bomb and felt a tiny rectangular packet instead. I couldn't resist the opportunity; I pulled it out and threw it at his hooves. He reared back, then paused, regarding it curiously. "A packet of crackers?" he said.

"To go with all that cheese," I said. (oooo, put some lotion on that Burrrrrn!)

I brandished my staff and circled around. He circled as well, his sword cutting arcs in the air. Seriously? He can make force fields like this and he's going to fight me with a sword? Maybe he couldn't cast the shield and do anything else at the same time. But then again-- ah forget it. "And who are you?" I said.

"Shining Armor--" (seriously? Who next, his daring brother Swash Buckler? well, at least it didn't follow the Pine Sol/Axebeard formula... or the Pansy McTootlepie name recipe common around here either...) "-- prince of the Crystal Empire, former captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard-- and Twilight Sparkle's big brother."

"And you think you have a chance?" (okay we were both fishing at the bottom of the barrel for Errol Flynn dialogue, but we were working without a script here.) "I've slain a DRAGON, dude."

He didn't even bat an eyelash. "And I suppose you think that means you're tough," he said.

"No," I replied. "I think that means I'm fireproof." I held out my staff and filled the dome we were trapped in with fire.

FWACKOOM.

No, I didn't try to kill him. How many times I gotta say it? Vengeful siblings, bad idea. Especially if one is an alicorn princess. But there was nothing stopping me from making him look like a jackass. He screamed like a filly, dropping the shield and doing a stop, drop and roll. Like I said, he was more or less unharmed, the fireball had been so brief it had only singed him. Aaaaand maybe scorched off his mane and tail.

I didn't laugh, but man it was hard.

I heard a horn in the distance. That was Skank, my lookout for this stunt. Perfect timing. I'd have to give him a doggie biscuit.  I set off a half-dozen thunderbolts; no lightning, just light and sound, enough to drop everyone present to their knees.

Then I teleported to Ponyville.

I appeared in the middle of town square, standing atop a statue there. I waved my staff, filling the sky with dark stormclouds.  Ponies naturally screamed and ran... again! Did they have any OTHER setting? Even a pitchfork wielding mob would be a change... I sent out a handful of my Eyes of Vulcan, cutting them off, corralling them into the square. Once I was fairly sure everyone was there,  I set off another round of thunderbolts to get everyone's attention.

When I was done, every pony there was lying on the ground, quivering in fear, my eyes hovering over them giving the place an eerie glow in the dark of the storm. I gave myself a minute to let my ears stop ringing, then magically amplified my altered voice. It sounded like God had gone on strike and given Satan the microphone.

"ATTENTION, PONYVILLE," I said. "I AM DARTH VULCAN, MASTER OF THE ALICORN AMULET AND SORCERER SUPREME. PERHAPS YOU DON'T RECALL MY NAME.

SOME TIME AGO, I VISITED YOUR STUPID LITTLE TOWN, SEEKING ANSWERS. I WAS ASSAULTED. SOME TIME AFTER THAT, I SOUGHT TO PURCHASE GOODS WHEN I WAS IN DESPERATE NEED. I WAS INSTEAD BETRAYED AND AMBUSHED AND ROBBED!

AND NOW YOU HAVE SENT OUT ARMED THUGS TO ROUST ME OUT OF MY HOME.

I DISLIKED YOU ALREADY. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME A REASON TO TRULY DESPISE YOU!

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, YOU MISERABLE PULING BABYISH PASTEL-FACED PONIES. THE EVERFREE FOREST IS MINE NOW. EVERYTHING IN IT IS MINE. EVERYTHING I HAVE TAKEN FROM YOU TONIGHT-- MINE! DO NOT TRESPASS OR YOU WILL PAY DEARLY! AND IF YOUR PRECIOUS PRETTY PRINCESSES DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH! YOU HAVE NO FAVOR WITH ME!"

I looked down and saw, my oh my, Filthy Rich kneeling right there in the front row. He looked haggard, bedraggled. Like he hadn't slept in weeks. Perfect. "EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE," I said, my voice treacly. I levitated down off the statue and stood in front of him. "JUST THINK OF ALL YOU OWE THIS STALLION. WHY, IT WAS HE WHO BROUGHT ME TO YOUR VILLAGE." Murmurs of shock went through the prostrate crowd. "OH YES. WE CAME TO QUITE A LUCRATIVE AGREEMENT, DIDN'T WE, MR FILTHY?"

I looked around. Disbelieving faces gazed back at me. "OH YES. HE WAS WILLING TO MAKE QUITE THE DEAL WITH ME. HE MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT, HE DID. OF COURSE, ONCE HE HAD MY GOLD AND GEMS... HE BETRAYED ME. EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW IT IMPERILED HIM AND HIS WHOLE FAMILY. EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW IT MIGHT ROUSE MY ANGER AGAINST THE REST OF YOU.

"SO NATURALLY, I HAD TO SEND MY DIAMOND DOGS TO... BALANCE THE BOOKS WITH YOU ALL. I NEVER WANTED TO DARKEN A SINGLE DOORSTEP IN THIS WRETCHED LITTLE TOWN. BUT MY HAND WAS FORCED. AND YOU CAN JUST THANK MISTER FILTHY HERE FOR ALL OF IT.

"DOUBT ME? JUST ASK MISTER FILTHY HERE ABOUT THOSE TWO HUGE SACKS OF GOLD AND GEMS I PAID HIM. HE'S A GENEROUS MAN, I'M SURE HE'LL SHARE."

Success. I saw shocked faces turn to ones of doubt, suspicion, and anger. He would be lucky if he could sell french fries to a fat man in this town now. Time to wrap this up.

"NOW--OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

I set off a roiling cloud of thunder and lightning overhead. Wind whipped up, lightning flashed. Ponies screamed (that was getting so old) and scattered.

Filthy Rich lingered. He grabbed the hem of my robe. "What about my daughter?" He cried out over the storm. Well, how about that. He actually kind of cared.

Wordlessly, I pulled something out of my pocket and dropped it in front of him. He picked it up. It was the crumpled, crushed remains of Diamond Tiara's little crown.

He drew the obvious conclusion. "No, no, NOOOOOO!!!!" He sobbed.

I knelt down next to him, my face mask against his ear. "Too bad you didn't care enough about her to raise her right," I said. "Too bad you didn't care about her more than you cared about your money. Too bad you didn't care about her enough to NOT CROSS A DARK WIZARD."  I pulled my robe around myself in the whipping wind and disappeared.

It was the next morning when the Cutie Mark Crusaders found her where I left her; chained by her dog-collar to the front steps of the Ponyville schoolhouse, her food bowl, water dish and chamber pot around her, shivering under a blanket in the cold. Scootaloo went racing to fetch help. She returned with half the town, her father, half mad with grief, in the lead.

It was official; Diamond Tiara was shattered. Her tiara was gone, her coat was ratty and dirty, her mane and tail were a disheveled mess.  She sat there in the dust, unresponsive, staring at nothing. Somepony read the note I'd left on her collar. "It says, 'unlock this with the gold,' " the stallion said.

Filthy knew what I'd meant. He ran all the way back to his store, fished out a piece of gold from the bags I'd given him, and ran all the way back. He shoved back through the growing crowd and pressed the coin against the steel collar. The enchantment I placed worked; the collar snapped open and fell off.

It was only then that she looked up into her Daddy's eyes. Eyes filled with tears, she spoke for the first time.

"Why didn't you come save me?"

I watched those six words shatter his heart. He bowed his head and sobbed, broken.

With a flick of my wrist I dispelled the Eye. I had kept watch the entire night and morning just for this moment. Task done, mission completed. The trail back to the lair was completely muddled-- confirmed when Twilight Sparkle and her friends had followed my bogus road to the clearing where we'd had our little fracas. The Lair was stocked to the gills now with food, staples, and not a few luxury items. (Skank got a whole box of doggie biscuits for his good work.) And the shopkeep who'd tried to screw me over was a pariah in his own town, alienated from his daughter, and basically had his whole life dismantled before his very eyes.

I sat back in my stolen rocking chair, propped up my feet and took a sip of my stolen cocoa. Mmmm.