The chains clinked idly against the wall where I dangled. I had to admit, I was kind of impressed. I had no idea how they'd managed to cobble together a whole human-proportioned dungeon cell, manacles and all, in the time since they'd gotten ahold of me. Especially the manacles-- I mean, it couldn't have been easy making them with hooves and all.

I saw a tell-tale shadow coming 'round the corner, outside my cell. The shadow became two ponies dressed in roman-style armor who were carrying weapons strapped to their sides and matching sour expressions on their faces. They stopped outside my cell door, glaring at me like they'd like to run me through with their horns.

Yeah. You heard me. Ponies in armor. With horns. Unicorns.

Right behind them came the source of the light; a tall white pony... well, more of a horse, she was nearly twice the height of the guards... with a flowing, candy-floss mane and tail, feathered wings tucked in at her sides, and a long, tapered, spiral horn growing out of her forehead. She was wearing a golden collar, shoes-- no, not horseshoe- shoes, more like... boots? Over her hooves? my brain gave up looking for words... and a golden tiara.

I rolled my eyes. Oh boy. a Princess. A Pretty Pony Unicorn Pegasus Princess. Could this world pile up the girly cutesy pootsy crap any higher?  I was amazed she didn't fart glitter.

Her horn glowed... oh great, magic using Pretty Pony Unicorn Pegasus Princess. So yes, it could. The cell door unlocked itself and she stepped inside. She nodded to a smallish unicorn sitting outside the cell, who nodded and pulled out a quill and scrolls and began writing. The bars slammed shut behind her.

Whoa, these guys really had no experience with bad guys if they were handling things like this. I mean, her inside with me, and her bodyguards outside? That sounded like a potential hostage crisis to me.

Then again, I wasn't exactly an expert on these things. And I was manacled to a wall so I wasn't likely to cause her any difficulty.

Come to think of it, what I knew about the creatures in this little girl's fairy tale world gone wrong didn't make things better for me. From what I'd seen, the more sparkle-poo something was, the more frickin' powerful it was. She had wings and a horn and a flowy magical mane and was wearing all the fancy jewelry; that probably meant that she wasn't locked in here with me; I was locked in here with her.

"I am Princess Celestia, Sol Invictus, Diarch and Ruler of Equestria," she said. "And I would have words with you."

She glared at me with her big over-mascara'd eyes. It didn't look like a "now you die" sort of glare though. It was more like, I dunno, that look you get from an angry parent.  Like she was going to scold me for breaking into the cookie jar. That just flew all over me. Here I was, the dread and terrible scourge of Equestria, and Pony Princess Glitter Farts was going to pull the 'naughty child' stare on me? It just got on my last nerve. No way I was going to be patronized by this bimbo.

I looked her dead in the eye and proceeded to deliberately stick my foot in my mouth. "So, how's it hanging?" I said glibly. She couldn't see the smirk behind my mask, but she could certainly hear it.

That did it. That stern maternal air got a lot less maternal. She glared at me with her big over-mascara'd eyes, swelling up in that way you see mothers do when they're about to lower the boom. She stepped in front of me and looked me in the eye, her head level with mine despite the fact I was standing tippy-toe in my manacles, and leveled her long sharp horn so that the point was level with the space between my eyes. The tip glowed menacingly. "Now, sorcerer," she said, "We are going to get some answers from you. If you value your life and your freedom you will answer all of them, immediately and truthfully. If you do not, you will regret it immensely."

"Who are you?"

I gave a mental shrug. Stuff it. "Ted."

There was a pause. "...Ted," she replied.

"Ted," I agreed.

There was another pause. "...That is not the name you gave my little ponies when you were rampaging through Equestria, Ted," she said a trifle sarcastically. Wow, they do sarcasm. I was starting to wonder.

"And I'm sure everyone calls you Sol Invictus," I quipped."Wasn't exactly my first choice to go around with a Nom de Plume, but your little jerkass ponies weren't exactly going to back off from the Dread Sorcerer Ted."

"So which shall we call you by?" she said with mock civility. "Your actual name, or your name of choice?

"....Darth Vulcan?"

My snort of laughter confused her. Dammit, hearing that name come out of the mouth a sparkly winged unicorn princess just was too much. Her bewildered look only made it funnier. I spluttered and snorted for several seconds, till I finally gave up. I managed to nudge the visor of my Darth Vader helmet with my shoulder so it flipped up before I suffocated on my own spit. "Ai, whoo, fresh air," I said, panting for breath. "Forget it," I said to her baffled expression. "You wouldn't get the joke if I explained it to you."

Her expression turned cross. She leveled her horn at my face again. "Enough. I have tolerated your flippancy long enough; now answer my questions. Who are you, why are you here, and why have you been persecuting my little ponies??"

"Fine, you horse-pony-narwhal thing," I said. "My name is Ted. I have no idea how I got here. And I've been making life for your little pretty pastel pansy ponies miserable because they're JERKS. That clear enough?"

She seethed for a minute. "Fine. I shall make my questions more direct." She put the glowing tip of her horn against the pendant locked around my neck. "How did you come into possession of the alicorn amulet?"

I smirked at her. "Ding ding! You asked the right question..."