Carmine

"Right so you know what I'm gonna have to do right? Kenny?" Kenny cringed as I picked up his computer and yanked the cords away, "Damn...fucking...idiot." I muttered to myself as I hurried outside and threw the machine in my trunk. I closed the door and waited for the herd of ponies to walk down his drive and into my car, "Blood ridiculous."

Rose hopped over the seats and onto my lap, "What's ridiculous?"

I pointed over to the massive conga line of ponies filtering into my car, "This, I mean it's nice to see you all again but...this is just bloody stupid. There's like fifty of you!" I folded my arms on the steering wheel as the last ponies jumped inside. I reached over and pulled the doors closed, "Right hang on a tic." I found my phone with my right hand and let my left run along the pony in my lap, "Oi yo Sean, yeah mate, yeah. Right you still got the golf clubs? Great, bring the nine down to the mountain." I hung up and grabbed the steering wheel.

"Hey did I say you could stop?" Rose called from below.

"It was either I stop or we sit here for half a day waiting for you ta fall asleep." I complained at her.

"Hey don't act like I wouldn't be okay with that." Rose nestled into my groin. I ignored it and started off.

"Right well sorry missy you're not the only one in the bloody car!" I hurried off and started down the highway.

As I drove the ponies in the backseat started moaning at me, "Carmine I'm hungry," "Stop touching me," "It's too cold," "Can you play music?"

I jammed on my brakes, stopping dead in the middle of the road, "I swear to Christ above I will take you straight back if you don't stop!" Things got quiet as I hurried off again, "If you're good I'll find some fresh something."

"Oh...you don't have to-" I knew that voice. I started reaching back to the backseat and eventually found her, "Eep!" I scooped her up and brought her to the passenger seat, "Oh...okay."

I smiled and shook my head as I tried to focus on driving, "So...who else is back there?"

Rose crawled up my chest and looked over my shoulder at the back seat, "Hmm...no one you would know- Trixie..." She hissed at the back seat.

"Yes, it is I: the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

"Shut up Trixie." Rose hissed past my ear, "No one likes a pompous pony!"

"Oi be nice-"

Rose poked my cheek with a hoof, "You don't even know what she did!"

"I'm sure it was-"

I was cut off by a roar of voices from the back seat, most along the lines of: "She nearly destroyed Ponyville."

"Okay...still don't be mean." I plucked Rose off my shoulder and sat her back down in my lap.

"Fine." Rose sat across my lap again, "Speaking of Ponyville when are you going to visit?"

I nearly drove us into a stop sign as I pulled off to the side, "Okay, I really can't talk and drive. I told you I can't fit through my bloody computer screen." I started back onto the road.

"Well...find a bigger screen! I need a giant friend to help move stuff...and...enact my plans."

"Enact your plans?" I started laughing, "You got bloody plans? Are you secretly a Bond villain?"

Rose poked my legs, "I don't even know what that is, but it would be really cool to have a giant as a friend."

I nodded and hurried off, "True, now I really need to focus."

We pulled onto the gravel path and pulled up along side Sean, "Oi about time, so what's up?"

I got out and set Rose and Fluttershy on my shoulders, "Bloody Kenny and the bloody ponies."

"Oh Christ...how many this time?" Sean asked with a laugh, "Just those two?"

I gave a single rasp laugh and pulled the back door open, "About forty or so." The ponies inside started nervously waving as Sean leaned against the car.

"Fucking hell." Sean laid his head against the door jam, "So why the golf club?"

I took the ponies off my shoulders and handed them to him, "Can't let this keep happening right?"

"Yeah...right."

I reached into the back seat and pulled the computer out, "So we're gonna make sure Kenny stops for good." I hoisted the computer over to the edge of the turnout and lined it up. I went over to Sean's car and found a golf bag in his back seat. I pulled the nine iron out and took a practice swing, "Ya don't mind right?"

"Naw mate, go ahead." He was cracking up as I lined up my shot. A final practice swing and I made sure everyone was clear. I brought the club back and hammered it forward.

"Bugga!" I screamed as the club sent the cheap computer off the cliff, "Fucking hell I think I sliced it." I laughed as the case burst open on a rock and computer parts went everywhere, "Yep, sliced it."

"Oi mate, bloody littering." Sean laughed as he traded me the ponies for the golf club. I sat on my hood as Sean watched the computer tumble down the steep hill, "Phew! Damn, that's gotta suck." Sean walked over and looked into my car, "So you gonna send em back or should I?"

I had busied myself messing with the two mares, pressing them together and tickling them, "Huh? Oh right, no it's fine I'll see em home."

Sean nodded and sat in his car and watched me, "Alright bugger this I want one." He reached into my open passanger window and pulled one out, "I can't help it." He tugged lightly at the mare's tail and scratched her flank.

"Oh- how- crude!" She muttered angrily as her styled mane was ruined, "Ruffian!"

"Oh...hi Rarity." Fluttershy said meekly as I set her down on my left knee, "I didn't know you where here too."

"Fluttershy?" the mare kicked Seans hand away and climbed down his leg, "Fluttershy hello!" I lowered my hand down life a ramp. She slowly walked up my arm and sat next to her, "Do you know what's going on?"

While the two mares conversed I looked at Sean, "Right head home and I'll sort this out." He shook his head and laughed as he got into his car.

"Right mate, drive safe." He pulled back and hurried off.

This left me absolutely covered in mares, "Oi Rose do I smell or something, you all just can't get enough it seems."

Rose rolled her eyes and laid her chin down agaist my knee, "It's because you're big."

"Oh- kinky."

"Ew, don't say it like that." Rose commanded with a laugh, "Sounds like a creeper."

I made a farting sound as I started moving the ponies back into the car, "Sorry but I don't think it'll ever happen. You're a wee bit small compared to me."

I set the trio in the passenger seat as I started off. "Carmine you are a really strange thing. I'm really just glad you're not dead."

"Dead?"

"You got hit by a car right?"

"Ah...yeah, bloody rectum was speeding on a residential street." I grumbled angrily as I focused on the road, "Bloody arse."

Rose laid down across my lap, "Well just remember you should come and visit soon. It's been too long."

"It's been two weeks!"

"Two weeks too long!"

I gave a loud grumble, rubbing along Rose's body and driving slowly, "I'll think about it." I calmed down and focused on the road. First things first I needed to send this horde back home.

Author's Notes:

Hey so should I do this or not?

Also as always remember to check out my other stuff.