Poopstain and Assclown
by Jiopop
First published
Twilight Sparkle has twins Poop Stain and Assclown
After becoming a crystal meth addict Twilight Sparkle gets pregnant with twins, one of which that is confusingly half pony and half blobfish. How will the two foals find their place in the world after Twilight sells them to a strange old pegasus for meth money?
Twilight's Downfall
Twilight Sparkle hummed happily as she began to rearrange her bookshelf. She had just finished studying the last of a series of new spell books she had bought, and being content she had the incantations fully memorized, began to sort them alphabetically with magic.
“Spike!” she called. “Can you help me sort out these books?”
There was no answer. Twilight shrugged, the baby dragon was probably busy doing something important. She was sure she could trust him to be responsible. After all she didn’t call him her number one assistant for nothing.
But then Twilight heard a soft giggle coming from upstairs. She looked up toward where the sound had come from. That’s strange. She thought. I was sure that I called loud enough for him to hear.
“Spike!” she hollered again. “I need your help.”
The only reply was another soft giggle.
What the hay is he doing up there?
Twilight set the pile of books down and walked toward the stairs. As she climbed them she noticed a strange and distinct smell that reminded her of burning plastic. When she reached the top of the stairs she proceeded down the hallway and opened the door to Spike’s room.
As the door swung open, a thick cloud of gray smoke wafted out of the room and into Twilight’s face. She coughed as she inhaled the foul smelling haze. Squinting through the smoke, she saw the silhouette of Spike sitting in the corner of the room. He was chuckling and holding what appeared to be some kind of glass tube which apparently was the source of the smoke.
“Oh my god!” he laughed. “I’m so fucking happy!”
“Spike!” Twilight gasped at his foul language. “Don’t say that word! And what in the name of Celestia are you doing?”
Spike giggled. “Take a chill pill, Twi, or better yet a chill bowl!” he roared with laughter and fell backward clutching his stomach with one claw while managing to hold up the glass tube with the other.
“What are you talking about Spike?” Twilight asked confused.
Spike sat back up trying not to laugh. “Here!” he said offering the tube to Twilight. “Try some!”
“What is it?” asked Twilight. “It smells bad.”
“It’s called meth!” Spike snickered. “It’s amaaaaaaazzzzzzinnnngg!”
“Meth?” Twilight repeated. “I’ve never heard of it before, is it some kind of potion? What does it do?”
Spike began to giggle again. “Oh yeah it’s a potion!” he exclaimed. “It makes you fly!”
“Well you aren’t flying.” Twilight observed raising an eyebrow.
“It makes you go wooo-wooo!” Spike began drawing invisible circles in the air with his claw. “Waga-goo-goo wooo-wooo!” he said in nonsense.
“Well I guess I’ll try a little...” Twilight said hesitantly. “All I have to do is breath it in?”
Spike didn’t answer. He was smiling and preoccupied with tracing his circles into the air.
Twilight walked over to Spike and picked up the glass tube with her mouth. She inhaled the smoke and immediately felt lighter. As if all her cares in the world had vanished.
Two weeks later
“Twilight we’re really worried bout ya.” Applejack began. She along with Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie had noticed their friend had not paid any attention to them for the last two weeks. All she seemed to care about was that nasty smelling “meth” stuff. “You’ve been skippin all yer responsibilities just tah smoke that glass thang.”
“I do have to agree with Applejack, Twilight darling,” Rarity continued. “You should really try to ease up on it.”
“I’M ALMOST THERE!!!” Twilight screamed randomly making her friends jump back.
“Almost where?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Twi, you aren’t making any sense.”
Twilight fell to the ground and started rolling around. “It’s so goooooooood!” she moaned.
The five friends looked at each other. Twilight needed some serious help.
“Yo dawg it Twilight!” exclaimed a voice.
Everypony turned around to see an earth pony stallion with a brown coat, black mane, and expensive sunglasses over covering his eyes. He had gold chains and all sorts of “bling” around his neck. He was smiling revealing golden grillz covering his teeth.
“Who are you?” asked Pinkie Pie in her usual happy tone, most likely excited at the idea of making a new friend.
“Yea yea g, I’m Fitty Bit.” the pony said cooly. “Yea an dat hoe is Twilight! She a cray mothafucka.”
“Hey buddy,” Rainbow Dash said angrily. “That’s my friend your calling a hoe!”
“Oh she yo frand?” Fitty Bit’s eyes widened. “Dam nigga, ya’ll must be straight! Nawmeen?”
“What language is that ruffian speaking in?” asked Rarity.
“He’s scaring me.” Fluttershy whimpered.
“Yo I know Twilight have some of dat good crystal, dawg. Can ya’ll be hookinz me up?”
“Tell us where yah know Twilight from!” demanded Applejack.
Fitty Bit laughed. “Aight, first time I met Twilight we’s was fuckin five minutes after I saw her in the club.”
“You mean you had... You had sex with her?” Fluttershy gasped repulsed at the idea. Everypony else was completely in shock, they never expected Twilight out of all ponies to do something like that!
“Damn straight I had sex wit her!” Fitty Bit bragged. “But she be easy dawg, nawmeen, and Fitty Bit always be gettin the bitches. So anyway can ya’ll hook me up wit dat crystal?”
A Month Later
There was now nothing that Twilight wouldn’t do for money. Money meant meth, and meth was all that was ever on Twilight’s mind.
She had long since started working at a strip club, Celestia’s Booty House, which was weird since ponies didn’t really even need to strip. Her duties consisted mostly of dance teases, hoofjobs, and of course filthy hardcore sexual intercourse; although she was too high half the time to care. It was sometime during this period that she got knocked up.
“Yo bitch you prego?” a customer asked raising an eyebrow.
“What’s it to you?” Twilight slurred. “You wanna fuck my poop chute instead?”
“No you skanky ass hoe! I paid good money and I get a pregnant bitch? Fuck this!” The customer got up and left angrily.
Twilight’s boss, a stallion by the name of Poon Slammer, walked up to her after observing the situation. “Twilight,” he said hesitantly. “Look, your a good girl but you can’t work here anymore, the customers just don’t want you.”
“Ohmygoshimsofuckinghigh!” Twilight chuckled. “I thought you just said I was fired!”
“I did... And you are...”
“But... But...” Twilight stuttered. “How will I get money for my crystal meth?”
“I’m sorry Twilight, but maybe you should lay off that stuff.”
“Fuck you!” Twilight roared. “It makes me fucking happy! Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Twilight your pregnant. Do you really want your children to be raised by a whore on crystal meth? Maybe firing you is a good idea.”
Twilight walked home that night crying. When she reached the library she noticed two stallions putting up a sign that read “For Sale” in the lawn.
“What do you queef nuggets think you’re doing?” Twilight questioned angrily.
“The owner of this house didn’t pay taxes to Tyrant Celestia.” one of the stallions explained. “Strange since it’s a public library, but whatever. Whoever lived here is now homeless I guess.”
Nine Months Later (lol)
Twilight had moved under a bridge with a bunch of other meth and heroin addicts. She couldn’t even tell what day it was anymore, all she could think about was when she could get her next fix.
Suddenly her abdomen clenched up and an intense pain flared throughout her whole body causing her to scream.
The other addicts looked over to her.
“What’s happening?” Twilight cried in agony.
“You’re pregnant honey.” explained one of the heroin addict mares who’s name was Filthy Syringe. “You’re in labor.”
Twilight was rushed to the hospital where she gave birth to two male foals.
“Sweet Celestia!” screamed the Doctor in horror. “What are those things?”
Twilight looked up to see her new offspring. One of them was brown with black spots. He had a bushy mane and tail which were the color of raw sewerage. The other had a normal body which resembled Twilights; however it’s face nothing but a disgusting mushy pink blob.
“That’s strange.” Twilight commented. “I don’t recall fucking a blob fish.”
“They’re abominations!” screamed the Doctor.
“I’m going to name that one Poop Stain.” said Twilight pointing her hoof at the brown foal. “And I’m going to name that one Assclown.”
Five Years Later
“Mommy!” screamed Poop Stain. “Please no!”
Twilight bitch slapped her son across the face. “Tell me where my money is you little shit!” she screamed. “I need my fucking fix!”
“I don’t know mommy!” Poop Stain cried.
“Glub glub glub.” Assclown interrupted. “Glub glub!
“Shut up Assclown!” Twilight roared. “What did I tell you about talking back to me!”
“Yo Twilight what you be doin?” asked Fitty Bit. “You can’t be treatin dem kids like that dawg!”
Unable to support herself after she had given birth to Poop Stain and Assclown, Twilight had moved into Fitty Bit’s basement. In the course of five years Fitty had actually become a rather famous rapper across Equestria and had taken a liking to the two kids. In fact, he even paid their tuition for kindergarten.
“You can’t tell me how to raise my own kids!” Twilight yelled. “They took my money and need to be punished!”
Fitty shook his head. “Nah Twilight, I took yo money. Yah only gonna hit up dat meth wit it. Nah whut I’m sayin?”
“Fuck you!” Twilight screamed. “I need my fix!”
Assclown and Poop Stain cowered in the corner of the room afraid of their own mother.
“Look at yo kids hoe, dis ain’t what dey need.”
Twilight calmed down. “You’re right...” she said softly. “Poop Stain, Assclown, follow me. Mommy wants to take you somewhere nice.”
The two foals cautiously got up and walked over to their mother. Both of them were shaking with fear.
“Where ya be takin dem?” Fitty asked.
“To Sugarcube Corner.”
Poop Stain and Assclown followed their mother out of the house and down the streets of Ponyville. Everypony who saw them imminently moved to the other side of the street to avoid them. Some would whisper, “There’s that meth addict.” Others would say, “Those poor children, what’s wrong with them?”
Twilight led the two foals down a dark and dreary alleyway. It smelled like urine and vomit. There were blood stains on the ground and dead pony remains scattered about.
“Mommy.” said Poop Stain. “This place is scary.”
“Glub glub glub.” slobbered Assclown.
“Peepee Touch.” Twilight whispered ignoring her children. “Peepee Touch are you here?”
“Sure am!” a old dark brown pegasus stallion with a grayish-white mane popped out of a trashcan nearby. There were spots of fur missing on his coat and he had one green eye and one crazy looking red eye. “Ah it’s you Twilight! Wanna tickle my pickle again?”
“No that’s not what I’m here for. I brought the kids.”
The crazy old pegasus peered over Twilight’s shoulder inspecting the two foals. “What’s wrong with that one’s face?” he asked pointing at Assclown.
“Fuck if I know.” said Twilight. “So you want em or not?”
“Yeah I want them!” said Peepee Touch. “I’ll give you ten bits for em each.”
“Make it twenty.” Twilight haggled. “These are quality foals, I made them myself.”
“They aren’t quality honey!” laughed Peepee Touch. “You have one that looks like a piece of shit and another that looks like an ass was glued on his face.”
“Fine.” Twilight said angrily. “Ten bits. Just hand it over, I need my meth.”
“Mommy what’s going on?” asked Poop Stain.
“Shut up Poop Stain, I don’t love you.” Twilight turned to Assclown. “And I especially don’t love you you failed abortion.”
“Glub glub!” exclaimed Assclown.
Peepee Touch tossed ten coins to Twilight who caught them with her magic. The purple unicorn meth addict then sped off down the alleyway.
Poop Stain and Assclown tried to follow her but Peepee Touch blocked their way. “Whoa kids!” he laughed. “Your mom sold you to me! I’m your pep pep now!”
Peepee Touch brought Poop Stain and Ass Clown to Sugarcube Corner where he bought them each a cupcake. Pinkie Pie was working the register and recognized that the two foals were Twilight’s children. “Hey!” she exclaimed smiling at Peepee Touch. “You must be Twilight’s dad!” Never meeting Twilight’s parents before, Pinkie Pie simply thought that the old pegasus must be the foals grandstallion.
Peepee Touch smiled. “That’s right!” he lied. “I’m Peepee Sparkle.”
“Peepee Sparkle eh? That’s a nice name! So how’s Twilight doing?”
“You mean what.” Peepee Touch corrected.
“Sorry?” Pinkie Pie said confused.
“What you meant to say is what’s Twilight doing.” Peepee Touch explained. “And the answer is crystal meth.”
“Glub glub glub!” Assclown gurgled happily after eating his cupcake.
“It sure was delicious!” Poop Stain agreed. “Thanks for taking us here!”
Peepee Touch smiled. “No problem kid! Now I have to check my list.”
“What list?” asked Pinkie Pie with curiosity.
“My happy list.” Peepee Touch pulled out a notebook from behind his ear. “Let’s see... Murder the entire pegasus police force. Check. Get my pickle tickled. Check. Buy Twilight’s children. Check. Take children to Sugarcub Corner. Check. Alright next on the list is to take the kids on an amazing journey across the universe to teach them about the meaning of life.”
Planet Jiopop
“Cool!” Pinkie squee’d completely ignoring that the old pegasus had just admitted to first degree murder. “That sounds like a blast! Have fun!”
“Thanks we will!” Peepee Touch said with a smile. “Follow me kids!”
Poop Stain and Assclown said goodbye to Pinkie Pie and followed their new guardian out of Sugarcube Corner. He led them out of Ponyville down a windy dirt path and into the Everfree Forest. They walked through the creepy maze of trees for what seemed like an eternity until finally they came upon a clearing, the most notable feature in it being a large metallic saucer shaped device.
“Glub glub glub?” asked Assclown.
“Why that’s my spaceship!” Peepee Touch laughed. “Common kids I’m going to show you around the universe!” The pegasus walked up to the ship and pressed a small button underneath it. Immediately the giant machine groaned and lit up in a spectacular display of technology. If rose a few feet off the ground and a blue light shot out of the bottom.
Peepee Touch casually walked into the light and instantly disappeared leaving the two foals staring in awe and confusion at the sight before them.
“What do we do?” asked Poop Stain.
“Glub glub!” suggested Assclown.
“But its scary!” Poop Stain admitted looking back at the flying saucer.
“Glub, glub glub glub.” Assclown tried to persuade.
“Well okay...” Poop Stain and his brother walked cautiously towards the blue light. They closed their eyes took, held their breath, and stepped in.
When they opened their eyes they found that they were in a futuristic looking room. Buttons and dials, computer screens and television monitors decorated the room’s silvery walls.
“What took you so long?” asked Peepee Touch who was sitting on a random red bar stool in the middle of the room with a beer in his hoof. “Are you kids ready for take off?”
Poop Stain and Assclown looked at each other. “What’s that mean?” Poop Stain asked.
“Never mind you’re ready.” Peepee Touch looked up at the ceiling. “Computer take us to Jiopop Five in the Andromeda Galaxy.”
“Jiopop Five, Andromeda Galaxy.” a robotic voice echoed throughout the room. “Estimated time twelve seconds.”
The whole room shuddered and a loud explosion was heard from beneath them. The two foals then felt a strange sensation as if their brains were being pushed into their hooves.
“What’s going on?” screamed Poop Stain.
“Glub glub?” asked Assclown.
“Don’t worry kids we’re almost there!” Peepee Touch reassured. He chugged the rest of his beer.
Suddenly the room stopped it’s shaking and everypony began to float along with all the loose objects in the room.
“Oops!” Peepee Touch giggled. “I forgot to fix that darn gravity normalizer! Oh well zero gravity’s always a blast!”
“I’m flying!” Poop Stain laughed. “Look I’m flying!”
“Glub glub glub!” Assclown agreed.
“Computer open the blinds!” Peepee Touch hollered.
“Retracting inner wall to observational viewing point.” The computer voice said.
One of the walls with the least amount of monitors and circuitry opened up revealing a giant window. Poop Stain and Assclown’s jaws dropped as they saw a giant white and blue planet outside the window. The spaceship they had entered was orbiting around the massive sphere.
“That’s Jiopop Five.” Peepee Touch explained. “We can go say hi to the locals if you want!”
Poop Stain and Assclown had absolutely no idea what Peepee Touch was talking about, but before they knew it the old brown stallion rounded them up and pushed them back into the blue light.
As soon as they went through the light the room disappeared and a snow covered landscape appeared in its place. The temperature, however, was surprisingly warm.
“Let’s see if the Jiopaloosans are here!” Peepee Touch said looking around.
“Ik ben een Jiopaloosan! Welkom op onze nederige planeet!” said a voice from behind them. They all turned to see a strange creature. It somewhat resembled a rabbit except it stood over seven feet tall. Its most distinct feature was that it’s skin and muscles were completely transparent making its vast network of organs visible.
“I’ve never seen a Jiopaloosan before!” Peepee Touch said in shock. “It’s rather revolting! And why is it speaking Dutch?”
“De auteur van dit verhaal is willekeurig.” the Jiopaloozan explained.
Peepee Touch quickly pulled out a six shooter that was concealed behind his ear and shot the unsuspecting creature four times. It howled in pain as the bullets ripped through its body causing massive internal damage.
“Waarom heb je dat gedaan?” the creature screamed as it fell in the snow writhing in pain. A bluish liquid leaked from each of the bullet holes creating the equivalent of a pool of blood under the Jiopaloosan. After a few minutes it let out a deep breath and died.
“Why did you do that?” cried Poop Stain in horror.
“One because I thought it was disgusting, two because I’m a sadist and a sociopath, and three because I wanted to show you that you need to move on.”
“What do you mean?” Poop Stain asked.
“Glub glub.” Assclown agreed wondering the same thing.
“You are still clinging to the fact that you have a life in Ponyville.” Peepee Touch explained. “That life is now over. The gun represents your mother, she took away whatever life you had by selling you to me. The Jiopaloosan represents your old selves, in other words as of today your life before is now dead to you. And the pool of blood represents yourselves now, what is left after your transformation.”
“Really?” asked Poopstain.
“Lol not really I just made that up.” Peepee Touch laughed. “Let’s go learn more lessons about life!”