“Happy Birthday!”

William Zachariah Klaskovsky’s eternal deadpan didn’t budge an inch as Pinkie Pie’s party popper blasted out a slew of brightly colored streamers, many of which hanged off his head long afterwards like a ludicrous wig.

It had barely been twelve days since his first arrival in Ponyville, and already William was known by half the town. Thankfully, half the town had not actually shown up for the pale young boy’s birthday party; only his new adoptive mother Rainbow Dash and her friends had arrived, and William wasn’t too picky. Despite his slightly sour expression, he really was excited to have so many guests celebrating his birthday; living at Saint Claire’s orphanage had guaranteed that he was about the only one to remember it, anyway.

The only thing that would have made it better is if the guests were remotely human.

The vibrant pink party pony bounced excitedly, practically jumping from hoof to hoof as the six waited around the table.

“Well?” Pinkie Pie asked breathlessly. “Aren’t you going to blow out your candles and make a wish?”

William took a moment to look around at the six mares that had gathered for his party, plus the miniature violet drake. Pegasi, unicorns, mares (somewhat ironically dubbed, William had pondered) Earth ponies all gathered around him, smiling warmly and being pleasant.

It still caught him off guard, every time he looked at one of them. It was simply too bizarre, seeing a talking pony. Even more bizarre having one for an adoptive mother.

Of course, absolutely nothing in the world could potentially top the level of oddity that was William’s adoptive father, Discord. The draconequus was literally an embodiment of chaos, mayhem incarnate. It was going to take a lot more than a couple of weeks for that to truly sink in.

After a long minute of William realizing that he hadn’t actually said anything, he bowed his head pensively, took a deep breath, and blew out all ten candles.

Pinkie clapped her hooves excitedly, her shriek sounding like an air raid siren over the jaunty voices of the others as the cake was carefully cut.

“Wheeee! What did you wish for, huh, huh, huh?” she stuck her face far too close to William's, causing him to flinch.

“Pinkie Pie,” Applejack rolled her eyes, her distinctive drawl rolling with ease through the air. The orange cowpony bumped her trademark Stetson hat a little higher, giving the overexcited mare a level look. “Ya’ can’t go asking somepony a question like that, or it won’t come true.”

“It’s fine,” William nodded quietly. “Wishing for things is ridiculous.”

Pinkie gasped, gawking at the young boy. She grappled his shoulders, staring at him in abject horror.

“How can you say something like that? Wishes are awesome! Tell ‘im, Dashie!” she pleaded, giving the pegasus her best puppy dog impression. Rainbow Dash only sighed lightly, but a small smile still tugged at her lips.

“You might be surprised,” Rainbow Dash tittered finally, placing a wingtip carefully onto William’s shoulder. “Wishes come true, sometimes.”

“Belay that,” he argued promptly, actually leaving his constant deadpan expression in favor of furrowing his thin brows. “The premise alone is illogical, and highly inconclusive in aspects of results.”

“Settle down, settle down,” Twilight Sparkle chuckled. “No sense burrowing into a debate at the moment; you haven’t even tried the birthday cake yet.”

William’s eternal deadpan returned as he turned his gaze toward the purple unicorn, who levitated a single plate containing the chocolate confectionary toward him.

He swore, these ponies were utterly obsessed with sweets.

But mostly the pink one.

Especially the pink one.

There was just something about Pinkie Pie that made him a tad uneasy; as if her every remark toward him was forced. He shrugged it off for the moment; he had other things on his mind.

Diary of William Zachariah Klaskovsky

Day 13 –

I wonder if I shall ever arrive at the point where looking at these creatures does not induce a minimal sliver of fear.

I know that I have covered the topic at least four times presently, but I find that I dwell on it again and again. Their eyes are simply the wrong size for their bodies; so wide, so expressive. I still find it relatively unsettling, their close proximity to humanity whilst still being so alien.

Carrying on.

Miss Dash has informed me that today I shall begin public schooling.

Believe it or not, I actually find this a much more terrifying prospect than having one of the things invading my personal space. Admittedly, I have never actually been to a school; I do not particularly care for the company of others, for that matter. Human or equine.

No one (I suppose that I shall be expected to adapt the common term ‘anypony’ eventually, although I am loathe to admit it) has seen hide nor hair of my adoptive father, and it is rather easy to see why. After all, if a God of Chaos does not wish to be found, then found he shall not be.

I actually had to pause momentarily to glance back at that last sentence.

There was a point when I didn’t believe in such things. No irresponsible mad gods with hectic schedules, no talking ponies taking me into their home as one of their own. No weather patrols, no stationary land where the sun and moon move around it (I still find myself boggled by that conundrum) and certainly none of this ‘friendship’ nonsense.

And yet, here I am, preparing for my first day of school in an outlandish and foreign world.

I am called, and shall return with observations upon the day’s activities, as per usual.

However, I cannot help but find myself wondering if perhaps Miss Pie did indeed have a point.

After all, I spent the longest time silently wishing to be adopted.

Beggars and choosers, and other such idioms.

“Come on, Will, you don’t want to be late for your first day of school, do you?” Rainbow Dash called down the hallway, eliciting a swift clap as a book was closed. She shook her head slowly, a small smile on her lips. The kid was a complete egghead.

“I shall be along presently, Miss Dash,” William’s lilting voice answered her, and moments later he stood breathlessly by her side, modified saddlebag thrown onto his back.

She nodded quietly, leading him from the small ground level house that so much work had gone into. It had taken a lot of her saved up bits, but thanks to the help of her friends (and even some volunteers from the Apple family) the two bedroom building was finally livable. It was surprisingly cozy, for a house on the ground. Rainbow Dash supposed that Fluttershy might have been right on the entire appeal of such things, even if it did feel a little cramped at times.

They walked side by side in silence for a while, the crisp morning air at their backs as they trotted (and jogged).

It didn’t take long to arrive at the crimson (and a bit stereotyped, William noted) schoolhouse, the bell for class already ringing.

“Go on ahead,” Rainbow Dash pulled him into a tight hug and gave him a loving kiss on the cheek. “Have fun at school. ‘Kay?”

“A fun school is an oxymoron, Miss Dash,” William frowned, the distaste evident in his voice. “Nevertheless, I shall faithfully attempt to follow your instructions.”

“Wordy little squirt,” she snorted, pushing him forward with her wingtip. “And you can call me ‘Mom’ any day now, you know that?”

“Yes, Miss Dash,” William nodded tonelessly, walking briskly toward what he was certain was going to be a terrible experience.

Not especially optimistic, that one.

William could hear the surprisingly melodic tone of what he assumed was the schoolteacher as he quietly pushed the door open, slipping inside and out of the bright sunlight.

“-and here he is now!” Miss Cheerilee trotted toward him, ushering the nervous child toward the gawking class. “Everypony say hello to your new classmate, Mister Klack- Klavsovick-Kalicksov-”

William bit back a retort, the small sigh of discontent leaving his chest.

“Klaskovsky,” he helped her expressionlessly. “William Klaskovsky.”

“Ooh, such an exotic name!” the purple earth pony that William supposed was the ‘Miss Cheerilee’ that he had been informed of spoke excitedly, leading him to the only spare desk on the far side of the room. Multiple sets of heads followed him silently as he sat, trying to make himself comfortable in the awkwardly shaped seats.

“I’m sure you’ll be an excellent addition to the class, William!” Miss Cheerilee’s large smile seemed to shine with a light all on its own, and she returned to her day planner posthaste. No sooner had she turned her back that William heard a voice that he would soon learn to dread.

“What’s wrong with his face?”

William recognized Apple Bloom easily; he had seen her multiple times with her elder sister, the venerable Applejack. Even Sweetie Belle was easily recognized, and for the same reason. The two of them sat on each side of a small bright orange pegasus that he had personally never seen, but the trio evidently shared something in common, as they all simultaneously exhaled through their teeth at the sound of the filly speaking.

“Shut yer face, Diamond Tiara,” Apple Bloom said flatly.

“Apple Bloom – and you too, Diamond Tiara!” Cheerilee spluttered, equally flustered at Diamond Tiara’s rude reaction toward the new student, although temporarily unsure of whom she should address first. William remained silent, strumming his fingers across his pack.

Every place seemed to have one or two, it would seem.

Saint Claire’s had their own, and he was unsurprised completely. Or, mostly, rather.

To be honest, he actually had a smidgen of hope for a quiet day for a moment.

“What?” the purple-pink filly snorted defensively. “It’s not my fault he’s an ugly colt.”

“So what’s your excuse?” Sweetie Belle quipped, eliciting a bark from the teacher.

“All of you!” she frowned, obviously displeased. “Apologize, right this instant!”

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Diamond Tiara all swiveled at the same time toward the new resident human, mumbling ‘sorry’.

“Not you two – I just –” Miss Cheerilee pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a breath. “Right. Lesson for the day. Let’s begin with history; class, turn your books to page forty-three, and we’ll begin on the treaty of Neighpon…”

William chewed his apple slice pensively, sitting beside the tree with an open book in his lap as the fillies ran rampant across the playground.

It felt so similar to being back at the orphanage that, for a moment, he found a genuine level of solace in the familiarity as he lost himself in history text, vaguely reminiscing on the surprisingly sharp taste of the apple.

Then again, switching directly to an entirely vegetarian diet certainly wouldn’t do anything good for his gastrointestinal system.

“Hey there, ‘ugly’!”

William snapped his book shut, finishing off his lunch as the uneven voice of Sweetie Belle drew nearer. Despite the affront, she and the two others trailing with her wore smiles on their faces, and they stopped beside him to make themselves comfortable.

“Oh, uh…” the pegasus awkwardly rubbed her foreleg, staring at him. “Hi. Guess we haven’t, er.. met yet. I’m Scootaloo!” she jammed her hoof directly at him, and William resisted the urge to lurch backwards to avoid being accidentally punched in the head.

“Good day,” he took her furred hoof in his small hand, giving it a polite shake. “Pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Miss Scootaloo.”

The pegasus blushed lightly, drawing away as Apple Bloom snickered.

“Need a hankie? Looks like ya’ got a little crush on your face there, Scoots,” the earth pony teased, causing the orange pegasus to stutter and ruffle her wings uncomfortably.

“That’s not – I don’t – just because – mother f-”

“Oh, come on, Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle tipped her slightly, poking her with one hoof and fighting back a giggle of her own. “You’re getting to be as bad as Diamond Tiara.”

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom both gasped overdramatically, gaping at their friend in horror.

“Oh!” Apple Bloom swooned, clutching at her heart. “Y’all wound me. What terrible things a filly faces here, Will. Give ‘er a kick for me, wouldja?” she grinned up at him from the ground.

“And now you sound like Sweetie’s sister,” Scootaloo chuckled. “Maybe you’ll get a Cutie Mark for impersonations.”

It took William a moment of watching the odd trio to realize precisely what was going on.

They were laughing, joking.

They were trying to make up for the awkwardness of the previous situation by attempting to make him feel like part of the group.

For some reason, this realization angered William a little, although even he wasn’t quite certain why. He brushed off the odd frustration, realizing that he had been staring silently at them all.

“Sure don’t talk real much, do you?” Scootaloo pried, tilting her head a little.

“No,” William’s short response provided.

“How come?” Apple Bloom asked, righting herself and realigning the brightly colored bow atop her head.

William merely shrugged.

“He’s probably just a little shy,” Sweetie Belle nodded sagely. “Huh, Will?”

“My name is William,” he crossed his arms immediately. “Not ‘Will’, not ‘Billy’, not ‘Bill’. And certainly not ‘ugly’. My – name – is –William.”

“Yeesh,” Sweetie held up her forehooves in defense, eyes widening. “Sorry for trying to be friendly.”

“Aw, come on,” Apple Bloom said cheerfully, insistent upon saving the situation. “We don’t mean no harm, honest. Wanna be friends?”

William stared at the grinning pony for nearly half a minute, silent. Eventually, however, he shrugged once again.

“Fine, why not.”

“See?” Apple Bloom nudged an uncomfortable Scootaloo. “Was that really so hard?”

“Not as hard as your head,” the all too familiar tone of Diamond Tiara sang through the air, followed closely by a small deep grey earth pony.

To his surprise, William actually had to consciously withhold the same kind of exasperated groan that the other three willingly emitted.

Again with the dreadful Diamond Tiara character; and this time, she appeared to have a single crony in tow, which actually began drawing the attention of a few of the playing fillies and colts.

William unconsciously clasped his book closer, as if it were an effective security blanket.

“Well, well, well,” Diamond Tiara laughed coldly, followed up by the grey filly. “Wouldn’t you know it, the ugly ones stick together.”
Marvelous. Stereotypical schoolhouse comes with a stereotypical bully. Quite the prepackaged deal.

“Watch your mouth, Tiara,” Apple Bloom glowered at her, reinforcing her stand. “You just might find it on th’other side of your head if’n you keep it up.”

“Ugh, can you believe how crass and uncultured some ponies can be, Silver Spoon?” Diamond Tiara stuck her nose up in the air.

“Ugh, yeah, totally,” her friend agreed with her promptly, mimicking her action.

“So maybe if you weren’t so crass and uncultured,” Scootaloo scowled. “It might be easier to believe.”

“Ooh,” Tiara snickered. “Now the chicken thinks that it’s better than us, Silver!”

Scootaloo’s face flushed, and her wings flared angrily.

William was quickly growing tired of the banter, almost as quickly as ponies had begun gathering to gawk at the conversation.

And at that point, an unexpectedly cruel idea began worming its way into William’s head; one that, for the present dilemma, he carefully weighed over the logical upsides to simply ignoring the filly for as long as humanly possible.

“What’s the matter?” Tiara taunted. “Cat got your tongue? Or are you still just too busy drooling over that scrawny, hairless little –”

Diamond Tiara almost hadn’t noticed William standing silently, leaving his book lying closed in the grass as he approached her.

“Oh, what now?” she sneered. “You want a fight on your hooves? You think that just because you’ve got some –”

William silently cupped the surprised pony’s head in his small hands, tilted her face upward to meet his own…

And kissed her directly on the lips.

Pulling quietly away, William patted her on the head and said “For such a pretty pony, you’re an awfully angry one.”

The exchange left the majority of them completely dumbstruck, with the exception of Diamond Tiara. The violently blushing mare sputtered and spluttered, desperately straining to save face.

“Whassa’ matter, Diamond?” Apple Bloom finally dredged up the courage to speak, even though her voice sounded a little off in her ears from the disturbing sight. “Cat got yer tongue?”

The filly squealed viciously before traipsing away as quickly as her legs would take her, her cheeks so bright that they could have glowed in the dark. Silver Spoon followed close behind, unsurprisingly. Satisfied that she would no longer bother them, William wordlessly returned to his place against the tree, licking his finger and thumbing through the history book to find his previous spot as if absolutely nothing had occurred.

“Did that seriously just happen?” Scootaloo asked, completely dumbfounded.

“The child is an antagonistic, egocentric and insufferable braggart,” William stated plainly without looking up. “Thoroughly humiliated before her classmates, I doubt that she shall dare attempt a direct confrontation again presently, as I have thus solved your dilemma.”

After a few almost silent moments, he added “You’re welcome.”

“Say…” Apple Bloom proffered. “You wouldn’t happen to be interested in joining the Cutie Mark Crusaders, would ya?”

At first, William considered politely declining, if only for the sake of finally returning to his reading. It had taken him over a week to decipher their odd written language, even with the help of Twilight Sparkle, and he didn’t want to allow himself to accidentally lapse. Eventually, however, he shrugged for the umpteenth time that day.

“I don’t see why not.”

Apple Bloom was positively beaming.

Author's Notes:

Because this couldn't possibly come back to bite him later.