The full moon rose over horizon, basking the entire apple orchard in an eerie, pale light. The freshly bucked trees swayed gently in the frail wind, a low moan emitting from them as they shifted and bended in the breeze. Regardless of the slightly eerie sight, it was still a place of quiet, peace and serenity.

“Okay, seriously. What the actual fuck.”

Or at least, it used to be a place of quiet, peace and serenity, until a frighteningly tall vampire dressed in Victorian style clothing burst out of the ground face first. Alucard pulled himself from the dirt, dusting off his vibrantly red frock overcoat. A gloved pair of hands bearing arcane symbols around pentagrams brushed mounds of dirt from his suit, and he stood fully in the moonlight to take in the new surroundings. His shined black leather riding boots held a certain sheen by the light of the moon, but didn’t actually give him any extra height; he was simply very tall.

In short, Alucard was one classy mother.

“Well, I guess that’s what happens when you try to make sweet, passionate love to a Boeing seven four seven. Hey, Police Girl, are you seeing this shit?”

Alucard turned on the spot, facing the full moon as he found himself completely surrounded by apple trees.

“… Police Girl?”

The ancient vampire reached out with his inner senses, attempting to psychically contact her. Seras Victoria didn’t seem to be answering, however.

“Ring ring, bitches,” Alucard said aloud, reaching out more desperately with his mind. “They told me this had great signal! Lying bastards!”

With a heavy sigh, Alucard shrugged and picked a direction to begin walking in. This really wasn’t so bad, in hindsight. Nobody was bothering him, it was peacefully quiet, the moon was full; although he was getting hungry. But regardless of how ‘peaceful’ a place might be, Alucard still needed somebody to listen to his ranting. What was he supposed to do; listen to himself?

Case in point, he needed Police Girl pretty badly. His vampire fledgling listened to him, no matter what. Partially because she was desperate for attention (no idea what her problem was) but mostly because it didn’t matter whether or not somebody wanted to listen to Alucard.

If Alucard was talking, somebody had to listen to Alucard.

“That’s just the way it works!” he shouted loudly to absolutely nobody at all, infuriated that nobody was listening.

The gnawing hunger picking at him was especially distracting, and he wondered how long it had been since he’d eaten. Or how long he’d been accidentally buried beneath an apple tree. He didn’t remember any plane crashes in tree fields. Regardless, he needed two basic things in order to function; blood, and constant attention and/or a substantial form of entertainment.

Or an apache helicopter. He would have settled for one or two of those just as easily. Either way, he needed to quench his thirst, and quickly. Before the boredom set in, preferably.

He did have a particularly good habit of making interesting things happen on enthusiastic walks through the woods, though.

“Good night, Apple Bloom,” Applejack nodded quietly to her younger sister, latching the door. “Just no more midnight snackin’ for tonight, got it?”

“Okay,” Apple Bloom said a little dejectedly, taking a drink of water from the glass on her bedside table to wash down the last of the apple crumble. “See ya’ in the mornin’, sis!”

“Good night, Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling for a while.

The filly rolled quietly over, making herself comfortable so that she could drift back off to sleep. She could hardly wait for the next morning; no school, and off to see Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. As she slowly began losing consciousness and the first whispers of dreams tickled her ears, Apple Bloom could almost imagine that her dreams were as real as the hands in front of –

“Sweet Jesus it’s a pony.”

Apple Bloom let out a gasp of shock and horror, and scrambled backwards until she hit the headboard of her bed. Her mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out, and her eyes were nearly bugging out of her head.

“… ‘Sup,” Alucard raised his hand, sitting on the edge of her bed.

Apple Bloom let out a shuddering breath, staring at the creature before her.

“I-I know w-what you are!” she breathed softly, eyes wide with fear and mild wonderment.

“Well, fuck me with a shovel and call me Candy Tits, it actually talks.” Alucard had to admit, he wasn’t expecting that. What kind of person kept a pony in their house at all, let alone a talking one?

“Lyra told us stories, all about you!” Apple Bloom exhaled quietly, clutching at her small blankets.

“Yep,” the ancient vampire chortled. “My incredible reputation precedes me once aga-”

“You’re a human!”

Alucard stopped for a moment, not realizing that his mouth was still hanging open.

“Okay, wow. That was just insulting,” he held a hand against his chest, narrowing his crimson eyes at her. “Seriously, I stop by to satiate my appetite, and you mock your customers? Cold, my little pony. Cold.”

And if he thought the filly’s eyes weren’t going to get any wider, she proved him wrong.

“You’re not here to rape me, are you?”

Alucard stared at Apple Bloom for a long second.

“… Sorry, what?”

“Because Lyra warned me that humans probably do that a lot,” she rambled on. “You’re completely obsessed with copulation.”

“Dude, the fuck,” Alucard cringed. “What are you, twelve?”

“So… you’re not going to rape my brains out?”

“Why do you sound DISAPPOINTED?”

“I think Lyra was wrong about humans,” Apple Bloom nodded sagely.

“First of all,” Alucard scowled. “Stop fucking calling me human. That’s an insult to vampires everywhere. Even the sparkly ones. Secondly,” he held up a second finger. “Secondly, I am the great vampire Alucard, and I would sincerely appreciate some respect. And thirdly, I’m not here to rape you!”

“… Not even a little?”

… Oh, she is just PERFECT.

Author's Notes:

PARTY PARTY PARTY
I WANNA HAVE A PARTY.