How to be a Mother

by Mattricole

Chapter 1: How to be a Mother

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“Daddy, where do babies come from?” Diamond Tiara asked her father one day.

“Oh, uh, why do you ask, sweetie?” Filthy Rich asked with a cough. Don’t tell me they’re already talking about this in school? he asked himself.

“No reason, just curious,” Diamond Tiara replied as she took another bite out of her cereal.

“Oh, I see,” Filthy said, rubbing his chin. Well, I suppose a little white lie wouldn’t hurt, I don’t want to scare my little diamond. “You see, Diamond Tiara, you buy babies!”

“You...buy them?” Diamond Tiara asked, raising her eyebrow in confusion.

“That’s right. You go to a special place, and you buy your very own child!” Filthy said with a smile, patting Diamond Tiara on the head.

Diamond Tiara swatted away her dad’s hoof and got up from the table. “Okay, geez! You don’t have to rub my head like a magic lamp!”

“Well, have a nice day at school sweetie!” Filthy called out as his daughter left the house. “Well, hopefully I won’t have to deal with the talk anytime soon,” he said to himself, taking a sip of his morning coffee.

“Stupid daddy, always ruining my beautiful hair,” Diamond Tiara muttered to herself as she began the long trek to school.

“Bye, Miss Jalapeno!” Diamond Tiara turned and spotted Scootaloo waving at a old lady, and quickly dashing off to school.

“Have a nice day, Scootaloo!” the old mare called back with a smile.

Huh, what’s this place? Diamond Tiara asked herself as she walked towards the old looking house. “Excuse me, ma’am,” Diamond Tiara called out, causing Jalepeno to turn to her.

“Yes? How may I help you my child?” Jalapeno smiled gently.

“I was just wondering, what is this place?” Diamond Tiara asked as she pointed at the house, seeing a large sign that read “orphanage”.

“Oh, this is a orphanage my child,” Jalapeno replied. “It’s a place where adults can adopt a foal in need, who doesn’t have parents to look out for them.”

“Adopt? So, this is like a baby market?” Diamond Tiara asked, causing Jalapeno to laugh.

“Well, I suppose you could say that!” She said as she wiped away some tears. “But we have more than just babies, you saw Scootaloo, correct?” she asked, getting a nod from Diamond Tiara. “She’s one of our older orphans. Poor dear hasn’t had the happiest life I’m afraid.”

Scootaloo doesn’t have parents? Diamond Tiara thought as she rubbed her chin in thought. “So, since Scootaloo doesn’t have parents, can I buy her?”

“What?!” Jalapeno yelled out. “Oh no, I’m sorry but you are far too young for adoption, miss!”

“I have money!” Diamond Tiara said as she took out a bag of bits.

“I’m sure you’ll make a terrific mother,” Jalapeno said as she handed over the adoption papers and took the rather large bag of bits from Diamond Tiara, “I have a feeling you’ll make Scootaloo very happy!”

“Thank you Miss Jalapeno!” Diamond Tiara said as she shook Jalapeno's hoof. Taking a glance at the adoption papers with a smirk, she quickly trotted off to school. “I’m going to be the best mother ever,” she said to herself, unable to control her fit of giggles.

“Oh, Scootaloo!” Diamond Tiara called out as she found Scootaloo in front of the schoolhouse. Scootaloo quickly turned around and frowned.

“Oh great, what do you want?”

“Oh, Scootaloo, that hurts!” Diamond Tiara said, wiping away a fake tear. “Is that anyway to talk to your mother?”

“My WHAT?!” Scootaloo screamed out, glaring at Diamond Tiara. “You are NOT my mother!”

“Actually, according to this,” Diamond Tiara said as she took out the adoption papers, shoving them in Scootaloo’s face, “I am indeed your mother!”

“W-what!” Scootaloo screamed as she stared at the adoption papers. “W-why would you adopt me?!” Scootaloo asked, unable to comprehend what was going on.

“Oh, I just wanted to give you a loving home!” Diamond Tiara smiled as she hugged her daughter. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you!”

“...I think I’m going to kill myself,” Scootaloo said to herself, cradling her head.

“Alright, girls!” Scootaloo yelled out as she got on her scooter. “Let’s go crusading!”

“Hold it right there, young lady!” Diamond Tiara called out as she rushed over. “I, as a responsible mother, will not let you endanger yourself!”

“Wait, what?” Apple Bloom turned to Scootaloo. “What does she mean by ‘mother’?”

“Nothing, look, mom, I can do whatever I-”

“How dare you take that tone with me young lady!” Diamond Tiara quickly bit down on Scootaloo’s ear and started to drag her away. “You are grounded for a week young lady!”

“Hey! You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends. Stop it!” Scootaloo cried as she tried to break free, to no avail.

“When your father gets home, he is going to-”

“What father?! You’re not married, mom!” Scootaloo cried as she rubbed her ear.

“Is she seriously calling Diamond Tiara ‘mom’ now?” Sweetie Belle asked Apple Bloom.

“Looks like it,” Apple Bloom sighed as she took off her helmet. “Looks like we’re not crusadin' today Sweets,” Apple Bloom said as she started her way back home, only to be stopped by Diamond Tiara.

“Apple Bloom, wait!” Diamond Tiara said as she put her hooves on Apple Bloom’s shoulders. “Scootaloo’s right. She doesn’t have a father.”

“Ah don’t either,” Apple Bloom replied, causing Diamond Tiara to groan.

“She doesn’t have a family. Don’t you feel bad at all?”

“Well, yeah, ah feel bad, but what do you want me to do about it?”

“Don’t you see, Apple Bloom? This is our chance to put our differences aside, to mend the soul of a broken child, to heal her heart from despair, and fill it with love!”

“Oh sweet Celestia, this is so romantic,” Sweetie Belle squee’d, smiling as she knew exactly what Diamond Tiara was meaning to say.

“What I’m trying to say is will you do me the honor,” Diamond Tiara began as she took Apple Bloom’s hoof in hers, “of being my bride?”

“Uh...what?” Apple Bloom asked as she rubbed her head in confusion.

“Together, we can give Scootaloo the home she deserves!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed as she hugged her child, who was still pouting. “Help me, Apple Bloom, if not for me, then for her.”

“Ah don’t know, Diamond, it’s just…” Apple Bloom trailed off, trying to think of the pros and cons. On one hoof, she was too young to marry, plus there was no way she could take care of a child, especially when that child was Scootaloo. On the other, Diamond Tiara was one of the prettiest mares in Ponyville, plus she’d be marrying into wealth.

“So, Apple Bloom, what do you say?”

“Well…alright,” Apple Bloom said as she held Diamond Tiara’s hoof. “Let’s be the best parents we can be!”

“I’m still trying to figure out how she adopted me,” Scootaloo muttered to herself. This was going to bother her all day.

“I don’t want to go to bed!” Scootaloo said as she was tucked in by Diamond Tiara.

“Aw, but sweetie, you have school in the morning, and you need to be well rested.”

“It’s seven! It’s way too early for bed!”

“Now don’t you use that tone with me, young lady!” Diamond Tiara scolded, causing Scootaloo to grunt.

“Sorry, mom.”

“That’s my little sugar biscuit,” Diamond Tiara cooed as she tucked in Scootaloo and kissed her on the forehead. “Good night, my little princess!”

“I don’t want to be a princess!” Scootaloo complained, causing Diamond Tiara to giggle.

“Right. Good night, my little knight.”

“Good night, mom!” Scootaloo said as she watched Diamond Tiara leave her room. She snuggled into her bedsheets with a sigh, until she realized what she said and smacked herself. “WHY AM I CALLING HER MOM?!”

Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara finally came into her room and laid down in bed, next to Apple Bloom.

“So, how is she?” Apple Bloom said as she read her book about building carts. Ooh, this one’s made o’ mahogany! she thought to herself as she turned the page.

“Our little Scootaloo’s comfy. At least, I hope so,” Diamond Tiara said as she snuggled into her bed.

“Well, that’s good. Ah just hope she doesn’t sneak out,” Apple Bloom said as she continued reading her book.

“Oh please. As if she would do that!” Diamond Tiara snorted. “She wouldn’t sneak out...right?”

“...Hold on let me check,” Apple Bloom said, getting out of bed and making her way to Scootaloo’s room. “Sorry to wake you, sweetie, but…” Apple Bloom stared at the empty bed, before moving her eyes to the open window with a blanket hanging out of it. “...Diamond’s gonna kill her.”

Scootaloo slowly entered back into her room, a duffel bag in hoof as she slowly crept towards her bed.

“That was way too easy,” she said to herself as she unzipped her duffel bag.

“And what exactly was ‘too easy’, young lady!” Diamond Tiara growled as she turned on the lights. “Gah, my eyes!”

“Argh, why did you do that?!” Scootaloo whined as she felt her eyes tearing up from the sudden light.

“Ah told you that wasn’t a good idea,” Apple Bloom muttered as she rubbed her eyes, “but no, ya wanted a dramatic effect!”

“Not now, Apple Bloom!” Diamond Tiara growled as her eyes finally stopped burning. “Now, just where in Equestria were you, young lady?!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she grabbed Scootaloo’s ear.

“Ow, Mom, that hurts!” Scootaloo whined as she tried to free her ear.

“Diamond, stop that!” Apple Bloom ordered as she pulled the two apart. “Please, calm down, honey. Let’s hear her out.”

“Grr, fine!” Diamond Tiara snapped as she went to sit back down.

“Now, Scoots, why did you run off like that? You had us worried sick!”

“I was just picking something up from the orphanage. It’s...the only thing I have left,” Scootaloo said as she picked up a teddy bear, with a red heart that read “I Love You” stitched on it.

“Oh, Scootaloo, why didn’t you say anything?” Diamond Tiara said as she hugged her daughter. “We could have picked that up if you wanted.”

“Sorry, mom, it’s just...I didn’t want anypony to know,” Scootaloo said as she stared at the teddy bear. “I mean, it’s so...girly.” She blanched as she tossed it on her bed. “It’s the only stuffed animal I won at the claw machines though, so I didn’t want to lose it.”

“Claw machines? Really?” Apple Bloom groaned, “Ya have got to be-”

“It’s okay, sweetie. I understand,” Diamond Tiara said as she nuzzled into Scootaloo’s hair, causing Apple Bloom to gag,. “Those games are very difficult, and you deserve to relish in your victory.”

“Thanks, mom,” Scootaloo said as she hugged Diamond Tiara back. “Does this mean I’m not grounded?”

“Oh Scootaloo!” Diamond Tiara laughed as she pulled away from Scootaloo, gazing lovingly at her, “you’re grounded for the rest of the month.”


“The fact of the matter is you ran away from home,” Diamond Tiara said as she ushered Scootaloo into bed and tucked her in. “You’re lucky it’s only a month. I wanted to ground you for the rest of the year but your father thought that was too harsh.”

“Grounding her fer a month is ridiculous,” Apple Bloom sighed. “And ah thought we agreed she’s grounded fer a week?”

“Month, week, whatever!” Diamond Tiara grumbled. “Alright, fine, a week,” she said as she kissed Scootaloo on the cheek. “Promise you won’t run away again?”

“Promise,” Scootaloo grumbled, unhappy that her week of crusading was ruined.

“Good night, Scootaloo!” Diamond Tiara said as she walked out of the room.

“Good night, Scoots!” Apple Bloom said as she rubbed the top of Scootaloo’s head. “If yer real good, Ah’ll talk yer mother into ungrounding ya,” she whispered, causing Scootaloo to grin.

“Goodnight, mom; Goodnight, dad,” Scootaloo sighed as her parents left the room. She snuggled into her blankets, getting comfy as sleep came to her. It wasn’t until she was just about to fall asleep that she realized...something. She slapped herself once again in anguish.

“I called her mom again, didn’t I?”

Next Chapter: Parent-Teacher Conferance Estimated time remaining: 11 Minutes
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