Oh, what have I gotten myself into.

Discord dragged himself unenthusiastically to the door of Fluttershy’s cottage, slumped over nearly to the ground.

What. A. Day.

It wasn’t like Discord hadn’t had bad days before. Those were bound to happen at some time or another, even to gods. Still, this day had been particularly bad. Almost as bad as the day he was first turned into a birdbath in Celestia’s garden.

Still not as bad as his first day of school, though.

Ugh.

Everybody picks on the God of Chaos.

Groaning as he wearily drew open the heavy wooden door to Fluttershy’s cottage, Discord began to wonder if perhaps sudden magic reduction had been the cause of his mysterious body aches.

Or maybe it had been because stupid Twilight Sparkle and her stupid chariot driver had left him behind, forcing him to walk the entire way back to his newfound temporary housing.

Stupid Twilight Sparkle.

Her flimsy shouted excuse as she left was something along the lines of ‘needing some exercise’, but it was a little difficult for him to hear over the sound of her laughter.

Foul, sadistic little…!

Discord grumbled viciously to himself, closing the door behind him a bit harder than he meant to. The slam resounded throughout the cottage, causing Fluttershy to poke her head out from the dining room.

“Oh, there you are, Discord,” Fluttershy said with a small measure of relief. “See? I told you that you didn’t have anything to worry about,” she reprimanded him lightly, but did so with a smile as she poured him a cup of hot chamomile tea. “I’ll bet Princess Celestia heard you out, and–”

“I’m going to get turned back into stone if Rainbow Dash doesn’t get better soon,” Discord said dryly as he sat across the table from her slowly, and she almost dropped the teapot.

“Oh, my goodness!” she fumbled with the hot kettle between a couple of pot holders, quickly setting it down so as to avoid spilling any. “That’s terrible!”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Discord rubbed his oddly tired mismatched eyes, the steaming cup of tea so kindly placed before him suddenly unappealing. He clicked his talons at it, expecting it to transform into a cardboard flamingo leg full of chocolate milk; maybe with a few marshmallows. That was the nice thing about coordinating the powers of chaos, there was always that ‘maybe’, always the possibility of the unexpected.

Of course, absolutely nothing happened when he snapped his talons at the cup impatiently, which he failed to notice until the fourth time he tried it.

“I-I thought for sure that Princess Celestia would be, um…” Fluttershy stuttered for a moment, and seated herself across from him. Perhaps it was simply a trick of the dimmed light from the latest bout of drizzle and rain, but Discord looked somehow… older. More tired.

“Lenient?” he scoffed. “She was. But even if Rainbow Dash does actually recover properly, I still have the Sword of Twi-ocles perched perilously above my pretty neck,” Discord frowned.

After a moment of thought, Fluttershy asked “You-you don’t mean that she really is going to try the reformation spell again, do you?”

“Worse,” Discord rubbed his aching temples. “She’s apparently memorized an ‘obedience spell’ of some sort. And believe you me, that does not sound too appealing,” he cracked one yellowed eye open. Fluttershy seemed to be nearly in a state of shock.

“That’s-that’s horrible!” she said in mild revulsion. “It, well… it seems so-so extreme, don’t you think?”

“And after that, I got the triple whammy of getting my soul slash essence or whatever sucked out so that Twilight could dangle it over me as further ‘motivation’, even though it’s supposed to be Celestia’s insurance that I won’t try any funny business with anypony’s noggins again.”

Fluttershy actually stood up from the table, her tea completely untouched. Even more surprising to the tired draconequus, however, was that the pegasus actually raised her voice.

“This is outrageous!” Fluttershy’s face flushed angrily, and she paced back and forth, her wings flittering at her sides in agitation. “That’s-that’s just plain wrong! That’s completely unfair, to treat you like-like-like…!”

“Like a wanton murderer?” Discord added dryly, finally taking a sip of his tea. It wasn’t too bad, coincidentally.

“This is infuriating!” Fluttershy stamped her hoof against the floor, and took a deep breath as she tried to calm down.

“… Fluttershy.”

“This is a scandal!”

“… Fluttershy,” Discord said again.

“I am so darned angry I could just kick something!”

“Fluttershy.”

The heavily breathing pegasus finally stopped to look at her housemate for a moment, to see that he was sitting rather stiff and still in his seat. That image alone threw her off a little, and she could already feel the last vestiges of her anger at the injustice slipping away. Discord held his little teacup between his talons, giving her a long, sad look.

“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Discord shook his head.

“Okay? Okay-?”

He held up a single claw, and closed his eyes. After a long moment, he reopened them and said “I don’t deserve anything less.”

Fluttershy cringed at his statement.

After a while, she sighed and reclaimed her seat, taking a long, slow and quiet sip of her own rapidly cooling tea. She patted him softly on the paw eventually, and spoke again.

“Discord, you and I both know that you didn’t mean for – I mean, those awful things happening to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash weren’t intentional.”

He almost said ‘Oh, well, how do you know?’ out of sheer stubbornness and gleeful instigation of conflict, but he was just too tired. Why was he so tired…?

“… No,” he shook his head honestly after a few seconds. “I didn’t.”

“And you were absolutely devastated when you saw what terrible condition they came back in, and even worse when you found out what happened to Rainbow Dash.”

“Yes, thank you for rubbing in my moment of weakness,” he grumbled.

“That’s not the point,” Fluttershy said firmly. “The point is, you only wanted to help, and the unfair way–”

“It’s for Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy waited for him to continue quietly, watching.

“… I-I need to help her,” he said pleadingly. “Yes, it helps me in the short term; specifically, not being given another millennium-long hard on.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said quickly, coughing into his paw. “It might prevent me from punishment now, but you seem to be forgetting that I’m immortal. I’ve had a lot of practice gauging long term consequences, and it really isn’t going to be good for Rainbow Dash further down the road if she doesn’t get the help and recovery that she needs now.”

Discord rubbed his eyes again, with what he assured himself was only struggling to stay awake. He couldn’t ever remember feeling so fatigued.

“I just-” he stressed. “I don’t know what to do, Fluttershy.” The strain in his voice was evident, and he spilled his heart to her at last. His fears, his regrets, his hopes, his worries; by the time Discord was finished, Fluttershy had already started on a third pot of tea, this one with ginseng and honey in the hopes of alleviating some of his shaking.

“I’ve… certainly never heard of anything like what you’re describing Rainbow Dash as behaving like,” Fluttershy said finally after listening intently for so long without speaking that her throat had become dry, regardless of the tea.

“That’s because you’re young and relatively innocent,” Discord chortled darkly. “And I don’t even know where to begin with poor Pinkie Pie…”

“Pinkie…” Fluttershy began uncertainly, noting how late it had grown, but pressing on regardless. “Pinkie Pie has been seen fit to, um, well, just keep doing what she’s already doing. She still shows up to work on time, she still behaves in a-a ‘socially acceptable’ manner,” she said with some distaste.

“She doesn’t laugh anymore, Fluttershy,” Discord said drowsily. “She might not be hospitalized or ‘socially unacceptable’-” he scrunched up his paw and talons to make air quotes. “-but that doesn’t mean that Pinkie Pie – or, Pinkamena, apparently – is really any better off than Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy pinched the bridge of her nose between her hooves, thinking heavily upon the, quite frankly, enormous amount of emotional baggage Discord had been lugging around. Why he chose to confide in her quite so much that he wouldn’t the others was a little beyond her.

Actually, that wasn’t true. Fluttershy knew exactly why Discord trusted her.

“Look… Discord,” she said sleepily. “It’s getting late. I know you don’t really, well, um, do mortal-y things like sleep, but us little old regular ponies really do need it, quite a lot.”

Discord yawned involuntarily as she stood, stretching his aching back and listening to it give off a couple of mysterious pops.

“Yeah,” Discord nodded resignedly, drooping over the table once she’d left the room. “You mortals and your crazy… craziness.”

What was wrong with his brain?

Discord stared down at the patterns on the wooden table for a while, noting that his tail had suddenly begun twitching slightly. On top of that, so had one of his eyes. He rubbed it with the knuckles on his paw for the umpteenth time, and shook his head. For a draconequus his age, maybe it was just the effects of time finally catching up to him.

Or maybe it had something to do with being deprived of the essence of chaos on which he thrived.

Stupid Twilight Sparkle.

Stupid Twilight Sparkle, and her stupid MacGuffin ball.

Of course, he really shouldn’t have been complaining. It was high time that he stepped up to the plate and claimed responsibility for his actions.

And it stinks that actions have consequences.

Whee! Not when you’re a God of Chaos! You can get away with aaaaaanyyyyyyyyyyyythiiiiiiiiing!

No, you’re not doing that again! Can’t you focus for five seconds without losing your mind?

Never had a mind to begin with!

I agree with him, he’s totally bonkers.

Nobody asked you! You… you. Me. Myou. Youemememeou.

Those are all funny noises! Like ‘duck’! Or ‘banana’!

Do you like mmmmmmm bananas?

“What?”

Discord snapped his head upward, flinging a bit of drool with him as his face left the table. He immediately regretted sitting up so swiftly, as it felt like he’d just accidentally dislocated his long spine.

“I said,” Fluttershy reiterated, holding a piece of toast out to him. “Would you like some sliced bananas? Yes, I know, Angel bunny. I’ll have your breakfast in a few minutes,” the pegasus sighed, but set about handing a couple of carrots to the clearly dissatisfied rabbit.

“What, toast?” Discord eyed the slightly burned piece of bread with a bit of disdain, cracking his back as he stood. Since when did he have more bone issues than Granny Smith?

“Well, you kept trying to eat the table in your sleep,” Fluttershy grinned, not bothering to ask why he slept on the table in the first place. Perhaps it just came as part of being the God of Chaos, always doing something unexpected. “So I thought that maybe ‘Mister Immortal-Pants’ might like some food after all.”

“… You’re welcome,” she added as an afterthought. As if she didn’t already feel unappreciated enough; although she really shouldn’t have, just because he didn’t feel like eating something. It was certainly understandable if Discord had a lot more on his mind than thanking her for just being a good host. She turned to him with her warmest smile, with as much earnestness as she could muster.

Discord was already gone.

But then again, so was the toast.

Right, then.

A new day, a new… schedule for visiting Rainbow Dash, apparently.

Discord trudged along the streets of Ponyville, stalking down the sidewalk in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner. Quite a few of Ponyville’s residents seemed to be gawking rather awkwardly at him as he passed, although it was no wonder why. It wasn’t exactly often that the God of Chaos himself wandered the streets of Ponyville.

To be honest, he was actually a little surprised that Twilight let him wander on his own. Then again, she probably decided that he couldn’t get into much trouble on his own without any power. Either that, or she just decided that he wasn’t worth the effort.

Hmph.

Stupid Twilight Sparkle.

Still, it wasn’t just once, but twice now that she’d left him completely unattended, powerless or not. It just didn’t seem like something she’d do if she actually considered him a threat at all-

-a thought popped into his head, and he actually felt a little guilty for it.

Perhaps she didn’t leave you alone on the concept that you weren’t worth her time; maybe she’s actually going a few steps further than YOU ever did. You know, as an actual ‘friend’, and displaying actual TRUST?

… Yeah, that’s great. Just what else I needed, to feel like a big, dumb, jerk.

You’re welcome!

But, oh, if anypony discovered what he and Rainbow Dash were conspiring to do, dear sweet Titans would there be hell to pay. Discord actually shuddered a little at the thought of Twilight finding out, and what would happen to his precious power. Or worse, what would happen to him if Celestia found out, and just how badly he would suffer should he be caught without his endless supply of reality-warping power to defend himself from her wrath.

He’d forgotten just how scary ol’ sun-butt could be, sometimes. She was like that in the beginning, too.

The thought of being subjected to any kind of power higher than his own, regardless of how alien and bizarre such a thought to him was, somehow left him feeling even more anxious than before. Naked, almost.

“Hey, watch where you’re going, moron!”

Discord stumbled blindly over a couple of cabbage baskets, almost tripping to the point of landing flat on the ground. In a show of sheer dumb luck, he managed to keep his balance long enough to plant both mismatched feet on the ground, and turned to face the yellow stallion behind his vending cart shouting at him.

“Sorry,” Discord muttered, continuing along.

Wait.

Wait just a moment, no, he wasn’t sorry.

Who was this low-grade, harebrained schmuck who thought he could get away with calling the God of Chaos a moron?

Oh, he’d show him, all right.

Discord grinned maliciously, snapping his talons at the unwary vendor’s cabbage cart.

And nothing happened.

And he was just standing there, snapping his talons together like an utter boob.

Of course. He mentally kicked himself, turning on the spot and trudging onward to hurry up and go see Rainbow Dash, and maybe pretend like he wasn’t flushing while a large number of Ponyville’s residents snickered behind his back. He’d just go visit the mare, lock the door behind himself, give her what she wanted, and he’d be scot-free in no time at all and they were STILL laughing at him.

Stupid Twilight Sparkle.

Stupid puffed up Princess Celestia.

Stupid morals.

Stupid friends.

Stupid cabbages.

“And a good morning to you too, Miss Pinki-Pinkamena.”

Paper nodded quietly to the sullen and sour looking pink pony as she passed silently, a look of bitterness and contempt glued to her face. Pinkamena was definitely not in a good mood that day. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that now Rainbow Dash was speaking to her even less than before.

“Go buck yourself.”

And with that, the bubblegum colored mare pushed her way out of the hospital and rehabilitation center, past a couple of elderly ponies entering directly in front of a very recognizable, very tired looking draconequus.

He did perk up a little upon seeing his favorite pink party pony. At least, momentarily.

“Hey! Good morning, Pinkie!” he beamed down at her.

“Out of my way, you pastel patched-up pinheaded prick.”

“Okay, whoa. That was not very nice,” Discord frowned down at her, only for her to shove her way past him and out into the morning sunlight.

Not very nice. Absolutely brilliant observation, genius. Nice to see your millennia of intellectual stimulation and education has paid off so well. You truly are an inspiration to us all.

“Uh, hi?” Discord waved meekly at the receptionist, who groaned inwardly when she saw him.

Shift was just beginning, too.

Discord tapped his fingers together awkwardly, staring at her from across the desk.

“So…” he began slowly. “I’m, uh… kind of here to see somepony?”

“Sign here, please.” She responded blandly, desperately trying not to look him in the eye. It was mainly because she would probably be reminded of the ‘supply closet’ incident, and burst out laughing.

Dear sweet Celestia, had that been funny.

Well, to her, anyway. The head supervisor of the hospital didn’t seem to think it was in such good taste; especially not when it nearly crushed the very surprised janitor beneath a load of waiting chairs.

Discord nodded silently, and continued down the halls until he found the number corresponding with Rainbow Dash’s room. He could have sworn he heard somebody giggling a little as he left the waiting room.

Probably just more ponies that were making fun of him for lacking magic.

Stupid ponies.

He stomped down the empty hall, his uneven feet making mismatching music as he walked. He continued down corridor after corridor, watching the tiles in front of him and only occasionally looking up. It was upon one of these occasions that he happened to look upward that he noticed something very, very important.

All of the hospital doors had locks.

All of the doors had locks; more specifically, on the outside.

“… Ffffffffffudge buckets,” Discord snapped his talons together habitually, running a hand over his lumpy head and scratching his antler. Well, that was just great. It looked like he wouldn’t even have the luxury of locking the door behind him when Rainbow Dash would doubtlessly insist that he do the dirty deed.

And he was going to be completely and utterly screwed should even a single thing go wrong.

Great. Now the great and powerful Tr-I mean, God of Chaos wishes things could be a little more orderly. Ironic, don’t you think?

Hey, yeah! That is awfully ironic! Ha!

Do you just provide useless commentary whenever you feel like it?

You tell ‘im, Discord! That jerk is intolerable!

Whee! I have pants made out of pancakes!

“SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU – ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!”

“Are you lost?”

Discord whirled on the spot, his patchwork heart pounding in his throat. Apparently, he wasn’t completely alone after all. He felt a slight twinge of annoyance that somepony else had seen him during one of his ‘crazier’ fits, before almost immediately berating himself for feeling self-conscious.

The chocolate colored pony before him wore the trademark symbol of a white coat, meaning that he must be an important doctor in the hospital. Doctors were prone to stereotypes, after all. You couldn’t trust any of them.

Discord had decided as much after the first few dozen told him that he was completely out of his mind, and he had turned them all into tennis rackets.

Except for Eleven-y. Eleven-y was a swell umbrella during the reign of chaos.

“Sir?”

Discord snapped his head downward toward the chocolate colored pony with a short yellow mane, and shook his head. Losing himself in memory, aching bones, forgetting things; yeesh, he really was getting old.

“Just the mare I was looking for!” Discord threw his arms out to his sides ecstatically, giving his best winning smile.

“Stallion,” the doctor replied with a deadpan.

“Whatever!” Discord threw an arm around the evidently uncomfortable pony’s neck, noting the skull and bones Cutie Mark. Now, that wasn’t exactly a reassuring sign for a doctor.

“Say,” Discord said conversationally. “Doc. I was wondering if you could give me a helping hoof, here.”

“… What.”

“I need your help. Duh,” Discord slapped his own forehead, standing up straight. “I don’t know how much clearer I can make it.”

“Aren’t you the one that stuffed the supply closet full of chairs and almost killed one of our janitors?”

It took absolutely everything Discord had not to laugh.

“Er… n-n-nnnnno?” he tapped his talons together nervously.

The doctor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“What do you want, Discord.”

Discord promptly placed a talon on his own chest, as if offended.

“Why, how insulting! You... you speciest! As if I were that nasty yet irascibly handsome and roughish character, Discord! Just because one draconequus –”

“You signed in on the sheet as God of Chaos.”

Discord almost deflated on the spot.

“You caught me,” he drooped. “What do you want.”

The doctor took a deep breath, desperately trying not to give in to the madness Discord inherently brought about, even without his powers.

“You asked me for my help.”

“Wow, you are such a smart doctor!” Discord snapped his talons together, grinning at him. “No wonder they put you in charge of all of these patients, these –”

“I’m an orthopedist,” he deadpanned with a level glare to match Twilight Sparkle’s.

“And a wonderful orthodontist you are!” Discord slapped him heartily on the back.

“Orthopedist.”

“Whatever!”

Egg White pinched the bridge of his nose behind his glasses, giving Discord an odd sense of déjà vu.

“LOOK.” He said eventually through clenched teeth. “If I just give you what you want, can I please be left in peace?”

We have so much in common.

“Sure!” Discord nodded cheerfully. “You see that room, right over there?” he pointed to Rainbow Dash’s closed door, carefully picking it out.

“No,” the chocolate colored pony said dryly enough to make Discord thirsty just from hearing him. “I am literally the only blind orthopedist in the entire facility.”

A smartass after my own soul. *Sniff.* I think I love him.

“And I’m certain that you’re accommodated for your disability!” Discord said far too cheerily, slapping the agitated pony on the back once again. “What do you say you just pop on over and lock that door behind me, and put up a little ‘do not disturb’ sign. Nopony in or out, no matter what you might hear. Hmm?”

In all fairness, Egg White stared at Discord as if he were completely out of his mind.

Which, coincidentally, he probably was.

“… Are you stupid or something?”

“Listen, pal,” Discord tried his best to be charming. “I have been personally hoof-picked by Princess Celestia herself to see to the well-being of Miss Rainbow Dash. Didn’t you see me coming in with stup- I mean, Twilight Sparkle? I’m not the only one on that little sign-in sheet of yours, buster!”

And upon his hesitation, Discord knew that he had him.

Yes! So glad I was rolled with an eighteen charisma.

“And it’s only for a set amount of time during her scheduled ‘unorthodox recovery techniques’, anyway,” Discord rolled his wrist drolly. It was technically the truth. “Plus, the faster I’m out of your mane –”

“Oh, for crying out loud!” Egg White facehoofed, groaning. “Fine! What kind of time limits are we talking here? Our patients need constant care!”

Such a responsible orthodontist.

Discord placed a talon on his chin, thinking.

It brought back some old, very vivid memories.

How long had it taken ol’ sun butt…?

Egg White watched as Discord’s mismatched pupils immediately narrowed to pinpricks, a look of abject horror etched onto his face. He shook his head quickly, and said “Uh… an hour?”

Which seemed far longer than any doctor in their right mind would ever-

“Yeah, fine. Whatever.”

Such an irresponsible orthodontist.

“Yes! Score one for Discord!”

“Sorry, what?”

Discord’s jaw slammed shut immediately.

“I said, uh… r-responsible… smarta- ortho… I love you.”

Both the draconequus and pony stood staring at each other for a long, uncomfortable minute.

“… I don’t get paid enough for this,” Egg White grumbled, holding the door ajar for him.

“Whee!” Discord clapped his talon and paw together excitedly, immediately returning to his somber expression when he remembered just what he was there to do. He coughed inconspicuously into his paw, nodding politely as he ever so slowly closed the slightly creaky door, eyes never leaving the highly suspicious orthopedist.

To throw him off a little, Discord held up his paw beside his face just before the door closed, whispering “Call me!”

Click.

Egg White let out a long, low sigh as the door clicked shut in his face.

“Mom always told me I should have been a dentist.”

Discord exhaled warily as the door was locked firmly behind him, and he was resigned to his fate.

It immediately occurred to him that he probably should have checked to ensure that he and Rainbow Dash were the only ones in the room when he fulfilled his end of their bargain.

Or, rather, ensured that he wasn’t the only one in the room.

Which he was.

“Fffffffffudge buckets,” Discord facepalmed, his paw sliding downward as defeat crashed down upon him. He sat heavily on the bright blue bedsheets, his head in his incompatible hands as he groaned in misery.

You had one job, Discord! One job!

Well, great going, dork! Brilliant planning! Master of thinking in the long term!

Hey, quit picking on the poor draconequus! He made an honest mistake.

Yeah, an honest mistake that’s going to leave us all trapped together in stone for all eternity!

Nuh-uh! There’s the obedience spell, too!

Wait, crap, I forgot about that!

Forgot about what?

Has anybody seen my pants? Made of pancakes, guys. Can’t miss ‘em.

“Shut up,” Discord thumped the side of his head dejectedly. “All of you. Shut up.”

The click of the door opening made him jump. It began to swing open slowly, the creak of the door clawing into the room. Oh, he was so going to get turned back into a statue.

Quick quick quick quick quick!

Discord’s eyes flashed around the room nervously, and he desperately wished he had at least some power again. Aside from the chair on the opposite side of the bed, closest to the wall, where else was he supposed to hide? Under the bed?

Rainbow Dash slowly sidled back into her room, the door closing with a snap behind her. Discord heard the swish of her hospital gown as she slowly shuffled across the floor, and clambered back up onto the bed awkwardly, oddly taking much longer than he’d have expected her to.

On the bright side, his chances of being turned to stone just significantly decreased, and he could pull his heart out of his throat.

On the brighter side, this was a golden opportune moment to surprise Rainbow Dash.

He almost laughed out loud at the thought, quietly shifting into position to slip around the opposite side, scaring the living daylights out of her. For some reason, she still seemed to be moving around above him and seemed to be out of breath, so he took his chance while she was making noise to slip up on the other side of the bed undetected.

“Busy there, Dashie?”

Discord immediately regretted his decision, for multiple reasons. Firstly, it was a terrible idea to surprise any such recent victim of horrible abuse like Rainbow Dash in such a manner. He was lucky he didn’t get his head kicked off.

Secondly, Rainbow Dash just might have kicked his head off; that is, were she not too preoccupied lying flat on her back with her hind legs dangling over her, panting as she tried to tug a plastic spoon from inside of her.

Discord’s eyes widened significantly at the sight, for blatant reasons. Rainbow Dash, obviously more surprised than he was, gasped in shock as she fell forward, struggling to regain balance.

The spoon promptly vanished.

Discord breathed in sharply at what he had just witnessed, the noise of which was swiftly drowned out by Dash’s yelp.

Her face flushed, she kicked her legs, trying to sit up properly and inconspicuously pull out her latest installation.

“Y-you s-s-scared me!” Rainbow Dash’s voice shook, and it was clear that she was in pain.

“Are, uh…” Discord found himself staring at the disgruntled mare, who hissed when she tried to move. “Are you… okay there, Dashie?”

And such led to a very awkward, silent moment.

“… Goddammit, Discord,” Rainbow Dash seethed, rubbing between her legs sorely. “Does it look like I’m okay?”

“Actually,” he observed astutely, sitting upright in the chair beside her. “It looks like you’ve got a plastic spoon stuck up your cooch.”

Rainbow Dash’s face flushed, and she turned her head away.

He tapped his fingers together nervously as she tried in vain to remove the spoon, occasionally grunting from the struggling she was forced through with her hooves.

“This is your fault,” Dash narrowed her eyes, and didn’t look up. “I kept waiting, and waiting… Dashie was such a good girl.”

“So you tried to relieve yourself with a spoon?” Discord asked in disbelief. “Look, sorry, I know you’re kind of in a pickle –”

“Tried that, too,” she whined, pawing uselessly at her slot as the spoon accidentally went deeper.

“ – but I really cannot believe… well, actually, I’ve seen weirder,” Discord admitted. “Did you know that a hyrdra’s tongue-“

“Please!”

He paused momentarily, his thoughts heavy as Rainbow Dash turned herself toward him and quaveringly spread her legs.

“I-I can’t get it out by myself,” her voice shook a little, and she stared down between her legs.

“… This is really happening, isn’t it,” Discord sighed wearily as the full weight of the situation collapsed down on him at last.

“Real, dream, whatever!” Dash moaned. “Please, just… just help me get this out!”

“Because now you’re realizing the consequences of your actions?” Discord replied dryly, but carefully pried her legs apart further as he did so. “Oh, the irony.”

Dash wriggled as he spread her with his talons, the vibrantly pink flesh parting moistly at his careful touch. Rainbow Dash took in breath sharply, and her breathing came faster and heavier.

Discord rolled his eyes, tail twitching in mild annoyance. Youngsters. Always quick on the draw.

“So..” Discord asked conversationally as he pried her a little further, the tip of the spoon finally appearing. “… Come here often?”

“That’s – ah! – that’s not v-very funny,” she panted, gripping the sheets with her hooves.

“I mean, really,” Discord grumbled in a dissatisfactory manner. Every time he seemed to get close, the spoon was pushed a little deeper, forcing him to try spreading her open with his free paw while carefully sliding in another finger to better grasp with. “What else did you expect me to say when I’m between your legs, my face this close to your baby launcher?”

“Hang-hang on, what?” Dash actually craned her neck to look at him, and for some reason, Discord felt a tiny sliver of satisfaction that her face was so red. “You mean, m-my pussy?”

“Well, if you want to be crass about it,” he tutted. “Picking up that sort of language. Hold still, I almost had it that time.”

He grasped for the tip of the spoon with his talons, feeling her wrap tightly around him. She hissed sharply as he finally grabbed the tip, and ever so slowly began to retract so as not to lose it.

“That’s – ah, yeah – tha~t’s it,” Rainbow Dash moaned softly, one of her legs slowly beginning to draw upwards.

“I should have been a dentist,” Discord groused quietly, but continued pulling inch by inch. “You know, I didn’t really expect the first time I get any in the past thousand years or so to wind up like this,” he said as he finished pulling out the sticky and wet spoon, leaving Rainbow Dash winded. “Plus, I am so, so older than you. I’m pretty certain that the age difference alone is going to cause some rumors, if you know what I’m saying.”

He dusted his hands together uselessly, his rambling doing nothing but distracting himself. “I mean, really; no first date, or anything? Take me out to dinner first, or something.”

Rainbow Dash blinked at him, and slowly lowered her head back down onto the bed.

“… I’m still not satisfied, Discord,” she whimpered pleadingly, sluggishly tugging her own legs back apart.

“… You’d better not tell me there’s a fork in there, too,” Discord quipped.

And, to his immense surprise, Rainbow Dash did something that neither of them expected.

She giggled.

It wasn’t the high, joyless and empty laugh that he had heard before; it sounded more profound, fuller. Genuine.

She tilted her head slightly, staring at the draconequus.

“… You know,” she said slowly, twirling her hoof across her stomach seductively. “You did promise me whatever I asked for…”

“On the condition that you displayed progress, yes,” Discord said expressionlessly.

“And right now, Dashie wants to be told that she’s a good girl. I need to be satisfied, Discord.”

“But-”

“Ple~ease?”

She gave him a sultry smile and spread herself a little further, rubbing her clit gently with the side of her hoof. “Come on. I hate waiting.”

Discord exhaled heavily through his nostrils. “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

If it helped her in the long run.

No longer delaying, Discord leaned his head forward, until his hot breath was billowing directly onto Rainbow Dash’s slit. She shivered with anticipation, her wings rustling in irritation against the sheets beneath her.

Not making her wait any longer, Discord silently stuck out a tiny portion of his serpentine tongue-

-and plunged straight into her.

Rainbow Dash gasped with pleasure as his tongue slid around her sweet entrance, and he could have sworn he tasted a hint of chocolate milk.

That’s where she’d gotten the spoon.

She’d been in the facility’s cafeteria.

Making herself chocolate milk.

And for a split second, Discord froze, wondering if maybe, just maybe, she had planned this.

Oh, she was a devious one.

Discord chuckled, sending ripples down his tongue as her hips slowly rose up to meet him. Dash moaned as she bucked a little beneath him, and he carefully gripped her cheeks with in his palms for better support.

“Eathy thewe,” he began to say.

“Ah! D-Disco-ooh! You sh-shouldn’t talk with your m-mouth full,” Rainbow Dash gasped out a short giggle as he flicked the tip of his tongue upward, the forked end rubbing swiftly against her. She stifled a loud squeal with her pillow, biting into it.

Everybody’s a comedian.

And it was then that Discord finally realized it, although he’d have preferred that it have been in pretty much any other situation that it occurred to him.

Rainbow Dash was cracking jokes.

She was giggling.

She was smiling.

She was also moaning and writhing beneath me and WHOOOO-HOOOO I’VE STILL GOT IT, BABY!

Discord lurched forward with a newfound fervor, swirling his long tongue deeper and deeper inside as she clamped around him. Dash bit back a satisfied shriek as his tongue flickered especially deep, curving around in places she certainly wouldn’t have been able to reach.

Dash reached out and gently grabbed his head with her hooves, panting heavily by this point.

“Ahhh-haaaaaaaaa. Yeah, yes, yes. Come on, so close…!”

I still might demand compensation, Discord thought dryly, knowing full well that he wouldn’t as he used his upper teeth to nibble lightly at her button, arousing her further. Dash whimpered and increased the pressure on the sides of his head, to which his silent reply was to quickly slither his tongue to its fullest extent before retracting it completely.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Rainbow Dash was unable to hold back her scream any longer, bucking hard against his face. “Ah-ah! S-so close! Please, Master!”

It was at this point that Discord promptly stopped, pulling away from her sharply before leaning over her, his face inches from her own. Dash could smell her own juices on his lips, and she flushed even more deeply.

“No.”

One single word, and Discord jabbed his talon at her.

“W-what?” she blinked.

“No,” Discord reiterated, staring directly into her eyes as he momentarily wished that he still commanded the powers of chaos. It could have made this so much shorter. “No,” he said again. “No Master. Normally, ‘Master’ sounds pretty good to me, but for now, let’s try ‘Discord’. Hmm?”

Her chest fell rapidly, and she glared at him angrily. She was so close, finally so close…!

“But-but I need –”

“I get that you have needs,” Discord breathed, placing one paw aside her head. “What you do not need is any kind of Master.”

“But-”

“You are a strong, independent blue mare who don’t need no Master!” Discord snapped, furrowing his misshapen brows.

Rainbow Dash seemed torn; between her compulsion toward her ‘Master’, or finally reaching climax for the first time in far too long.

And for a split second, she wondered if that had been deliberate.

… Oh, he was a devious one.

“It’s not a hard choice, Dashie,” Discord said surprisingly tenderly, cupping her chin in his paw softly. “But trust me – as one who’s seen firsthand what happens to good ponies like you who can’t fight it off, and fall into the dark.”

His face grew forlorn for a moment, and he had a distant, faraway look in his eye.

“And just imagine what your friends are going through right now, worried out of their wits about whether or not you’re ever going to be okay again.”

And from the look on her face, he knew that he had finally latched on to something. She wasn’t all gone, she wasn’t completely broken; there still remained that sturdy, eternal shard of Rainbow Dash, the Rainbow Dash she used to be.

“You know you care about them more than you do getting a little relief, and so much more than you do about some fake loyalty to a fake Master.”

He did have a point in that; what kind of mare was she, that actually thought that she needed a Master? She wasn’t some airheaded slave; she wasn’t somebody’s sex toy!

“Come on!” Discord said more loudly, now that he could almost see the spark flaring in her eyes. “Who are you, really? Where do your loyalties really lie? To your friends, who literally tore apart reality just to make sure you were all right? Are you Dashie” he said condescendingly. “Or are you Rainbow Dash?”

She muttered something, but he couldn’t quite hear it. He cupped his floppy ear with one talon, awaiting her flushed response. “Sorry, come again?”

“I said, I am – Rainbow – mother – bucking – Dash!” she bellowed up at him, and for once, Discord was actually glad to have someone shouting in his face.

“There’s a good girl.”

He didn’t even see the punch coming.

Rainbow Dash socked him hard in the eye, knocking him clean to the floor. She stood over him panting heavily, a look of triumph planted onto her face as she crowed in victory at last.

“YEAH!” Dash reared up, flapping her wings and tossing herself into the air before landing gracefully. “Who’s the good girl now, BITCH?”

“… Was it something I said?” he rubbed the side of his aching face, unable to keep off the hurt expression.

They stayed in awkward silence for nearly half a minute, with Rainbow Dash uncomfortably rubbing her foreleg.

“Sorry,” she muttered finally, hanging her head. “I-I didn’t mean –”

“Have I ever mentioned that you hit like a total girl?” Discord said offhandedly, rubbing his sore cheek. His grin belied that he was deliberately taunting her.

Rainbow Dash chuckled quietly, opting instead to sit beside him.

“No, Dashie – I mean, I – I mean, you didn’t deserve that,” she said apologetically, shuffling her wings.

“Pfffft,” Discord waved her off nonchalantly. “You think that’s the worst I’ve been hit with in the last couple of days?”

“Yeah, like anypony can hit harder than me,” Dash bragged, making something unexpected swell in Discord’s chest for a moment.

“It’s less about being physically hit with a hoof like coiled steel and more like being forced into obedience,” he said thoughtfully.

Rainbow Dash snorted coldly. “And you know all about being forced into obedience, do you?”

“… Yes,” he finally said, a tormented tone to his voice as he looked at her. “Yes, I do.”

The sadness in his face was evident, and he looked away from her.

“… How?”

“It was a long time ago.” He responded quietly. Discord’s eyes had gained that faraway look again, and when he turned his head back toward her, he spoke with nothing but the utmost contempt.

“Princess Celestia,” he spat venomously. “Wasn’t always the benevolent ruler of Equestria, you know. There were others, who wanted everything for themselves. After you spend a while locked away for a long, long time, after everything you’ve ever known is ripped away from you…” Discord twiddled with his thumbs.

“… You go a little crazy, after a while,” Rainbow Dash finished softly, patting him understandingly on the shoulder.

“Heh. Yeah, that’s one way to put it,” he rolled his neck, hugging the pegasus again. She nuzzled warmly against his chest, and hugged him back.

“Are you… okay, Discord?” she asked concernedly.

He snorted. “And here I thought that I was supposed to be comforting you.”

Rainbow Dash gave a small grin, but it faded before too long. “Do you-you want to… talk about it?”

“No,” he replied truthfully. “Do you?”

“No.” she shook her head quickly. She had to get such thoughts out of her head.

“Guess we’re at a crossroads for the day,” Discord patted her atop the head. “And I guess that concludes therapy session number one.”

He really should have been prepared for the second sucker punch.

“AH-HO-HO-OH-WAHO, my nose!”

“Sorry!”

“What?” Discord clutched at his sore nose miserably. “What did I say this time? If you’re going to be treating all your friends like this, then I do not want to be one of ‘em,” his voice was muffled through his paw, and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“F-friends?” Dash pronounced slowly. “You-you’re my friend?”

“Of course I’m your friend!” he grumbled, crossing his arms. “Do you really think I would have gone through all of this if I weren’t?”

Rainbow Dash opened and closed her mouth several times, but nothing came out.

After a while of silence between them, she turned to him and cleared her throat with some difficulty.

“I… thank you.”

“Eh?”

“I wanted to say thank you, Discord.” Dash bowed her head.

“… For what?” he asked in genuine confusion.

“Thank you for being a friend.”

He gawked at her, before realizing that his mouth was hanging open.

For a moment, he debated telling her about sacrificing his power to Twilight. But what good would it be to her? Those had only been obstacles. In the end, Discord went to extreme lengths; not only because he felt a measure of responsibility for what happened to Dash, but because she was his friend.

It had taken him a while to realize the simple fact, but he easily imagined Fluttershy being in her position instead. His only regret was that it had taken him so long to realize just how much having a friend meant to him.

“… Hey. Dash,” Discord said lowly, coughing into the crook of his elbow. “I don’t know about you, but… I’m really tired.”

“Me too.”

“We still need to get off of the floor, eventually.”

“I still need to be satisfied, eventually,” she said playfully, resting her head on his chest.

“I keep my word,” he gave a small smile. “You name it, it’s yours.”

“… Can I be your favorite pony for a while?”

“You know…” Discord admitted ultimately. “I-I think nopony should tell Pinkie Pie that I don’t really play favorites.”

“… Heh.”

“Hee hee ha.”

“Ha ha ha!”

And as they held each other close, Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure which of them was crying harder.

Author's Notes:

Okay, I've gotten some really mixed feedback on this, so I'm just going to make my statement clear.
Throughout the previous (and current) story, Rainbow Dash has suffered.
Like, a LOT.

(Understatement of the century.)

And honestly, if there were anyone else to possibly relate to Rainbow Dash's position, it would be Discord. True, the entirety of the Mane Six have had their own little brushes with insanity from time to time; most notably Pinkie Pie, who has shown some SERIOUS psychological disorders hinging on both social acceptance and the reliance of her friends. However, after a lot of time mulling it over, I believe that it would be Discord that could most closely understand Rainbow Dash's particular plight.

At the same time, it still isn't something that can be healed over the course of a single day; regardless of the amount of progress one might make. If anyone were to comprehend the long and arduous road to recovery, those best suited to Rainbow Dash would either be one of the princesses or a large number of highly qualified professionals. And even then, there were still the issues of guilt that Discord was found to be wracked with, resulting in his ultimate plea to personally oversee the well-being of Rainbow Dash...

Even if it cost him his immortality and very soul in the end.

All right, all right. I'm done ranting.