“... And you were born in Ponyville, which you fear you’ll never get out of, you named the rock Discord tricked you into thinking was a Diamond ‘Tom’,” I blathered on to the astonishment and shock of Rarity. “And you found out what your special talent was because of Rainbow Dash’s ‘sonic rainboom’, your cat’s name is Opalescence, and you used to have daydreams about Prince Blueblood until you found out that he was a humongous douche nozzle, and you went on a camping trip with your sister and Applejack along with Apple Bloom, who was there with Dash and Scootaloo, and-”

“Alright!” Rarity threw up her hooves, her already white face somehow even chalkier and paler than before. “Alright, okay! I give, I believe you now!”

“See?” I crossed my arms smartly, smirking over at the stunned Soarin. “Do I know how to psychic it up in ‘dis bitch or what?”

“This is insane,” Rarity paced back and forth in front of us, clearly distressed. I felt a little bit guilty about making her so uncomfortable, but on the other hand she did look pretty cute when she was freaking out. “This isn’t even remotely –”

I started to speak again only for her to cut me off.

“No!” she waved her hoof sharply. “No, no. No need for that again. No.”

“She makes it sound like you’re a puppy that peed on the carpet,” Soarin sniggered into his hoof. I ignored that.

“So… can you help me out, or what?” I asked at last.

“Are you mad?” she gawked at me as if I were an alien. Uh, I take that last one back.

“He looks pretty calm to me,” Soarin blinked. “Toothpick here-hng!” I elbowed him in the rib ‘subtly’. “I mean, Phil here has been pretty hung up on clothes ever since he showed up. Not literally, obviously,” he chuckled. “Otherwise we wouldn’t actually… y’know. Need clothes n’ stuff. It’s… it’s a joke. Toothpick gets it.”

“Yeah, hilarious,” I deadpanned, not bothering to look his way. “So, Miss Rarity, would you kindly help me get some pants?

“… Sure,” she said slowly, eyes never leaving me. “I’ll just need to, er…”

“Take some measurements?” I hopped up eagerly, careful not to lose my towel in the process as I marched toward the stairs. “Why, what a fantastic notion! After you, madam!

I was quick to snap my fingers, pointing at Soarin.

“Hey!” I said with as much conviction as I could muster. “Spitfire just finished with her… uh, whatever she was doing. My psychic powers told me so,” I tried my best to look serious. “You should go get her, then we can meet up later.”

“Oh. Uh, ‘kay,” Soarin nodded and rose to leave.

Yessss…

All according to plan.

“Sweetie?” I heard Rarity call as I ascended, and my heart sank into my stomach. I wasn’t going to be able to woo Rarity properly if some munchkin was breathing down my neck the whole time, but thankfully she only seemed to be giving her some instructions, which was a relief. Rarity followed alone, whistling a surprisingly cheerful tune as she did so.

The sewing room I entered held few surprises for me; I had seen it enough times. That didn’t stop me from really taking in the sight though, breathing deeply of the scent of fabric. I got a little chill up my spine from a cool breeze, and Rarity was swift behind me to magically close the open window.

“There we are, darling!” she said stiffly, nudging the door shut behind herself. “Right-o then, why don’t you, er, tell me a bit about yourself?”

Alright, that part threw me off.

I had been expecting her to say a lot of things. Things like ‘what exactly do you wear’ or ‘my, what a fascinating hair color you must be the prince of your kind’ or ‘will you bang me now?’ I wasn’t expecting her to start asking about me, and it was kind of difficult masking the surprise. Psychic and all.

“Uh, m-me?” I blurted, quickly losing my cool that I had been struggling to collect. “Oh, uh, you-you know. I’m just, uh… just me,” I laughed weakly. She didn’t.

“Right…”

“So… uh,” I tapped my fingers together nervously the longer she stared at me. “… How about those clothes?”

“What?” she blinked eventually. “Right – right, of course,” she gave a blatantly false laugh, magically snagging the first random fabric that she saw. Which very clearly was not a tape measure. For measuring things.

I’m no nincompoop. I could tell what was going on almost right away.

“Uh huh,” I grinned, rubbing my chin between my thumb and forefinger, drawing a little closer to the distracted unicorn. She froze, watching carefully as I closed the distance between us. “You must think I’m pretty dumb, huh?”

“What-what-whatever are you, er, talking about?” Rarity was practically sweating bullets; so was I, actually, I almost wished that she’d open the window up again.

“Don’t think I don’t know what game you’re playing,” I circled around her slowly, giving her my best ‘coy and all-knowing’ look I could muster. I pictured Sean Connery. He practically oozes that look. I’m pretty sure I looked absolutely nothing like a redheaded Sean Connery, but still. Points for trying.

“And-and w-what game might that be?” she chuckled nervously, eyes never leaving me as I came so close that I could have whispered.

“I know exactly what you’re doing,” I said assuredly. “That doesn’t look like a tape measure to me. You know… for measuring things. Which you were obviously not planning on doing,” I finally stopped in front of her, leaning down a bit. Not too much, still wanted to keep the height difference. Besides, it’s nice being taller than someone else every now and then.

“I guess you could almost say I have a… sixth sense for this kind of thing?” I crossed my arms smartly across my chest.

“I-I-I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Rarity suddenly had difficulty meeting my gaze.

“Rarity Belle, puh-lease,” I put one arm against the wall, reclining. “Are you telling me – me, the psychic – that you went and made sure we were alone and isolated for nothing? When somebody like me just walks in, and you want me by myself?”

If Rarity got any more nervous her heart probably would have stopped.

“I-I-I-”

“Come on,” I grinned widely. “If you wanted me that badly, you could have just said so.”

A realization seemed to strike Rarity, and pretty hard, too. I guess it was just my charisma rubbing off on her or something.

“That’s the stu- I mean, my goodness dearie me!” she fanned herself, taking a few deep breaths. “Oh goodness, you’ve just seen right through me!”

Aww, yeah.

She digs me.

“Sweetie,” Rarity muttered through clenched teeth, watching the abominable pale thing clamber noisily up her stairs. “I don’t care what she says, just get her here now!”

“But what if Twilight Sparkle isn’t there?” Sweetie Belle asked in a hushed tone, watching as their ‘houseguest’ scratched its bum on the way up.

“I don’t have contingency plans for that!” Rarity hissed. “Find somepony – anypony else then! Just get to Twilight, tell her exactly what I told you, and then tell mom and dad that I love them! Now go!”

Sweetie Belle saluted the brave unicorn, dashing off as swiftly as her little legs would allow.

Her sister’s sacrifice to distract the beast would not be forgotten.

“… Hey,” Soarin said suddenly, finishing off his ice cream cone. “Can I have his if he doesn’t eat it?”

“I already told you no, Soarin,” Spitfire stated flatly as they drifted, her left hoof carrying the load. “Besides, you need to go on a diet anyway.”

“Aww, I do not,” he rolled his eyes, patting his belly. “My cousin, though – now, that guy needs a diet.”

“Nothing coming to mind,” Spitfire flapped a little harder, staying ahead of him as they neared their destination. “I don’t think I’ve met your cousin.”

“My cousin’s a total bum,” he shrugged. “Does little to nothing all day except eat, sleep, and make fart jokes.”

“Sounds like a real charmer.” Spitfire frowned.

“Yeah,” Soarin sighed wistfully. “I wish I could have gotten a government job too.”

“My father works in the Equestrian government!”

“Er… sorry for your loss?”

“… You make me furious with you sometimes, Soarin. So much it almost makes my stomach churn.”

“Does that mean I can have your ice cream?”

“DAMMIT, Soarin!”