“PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME DOWN!”

Have I ever mentioned that I have a real problem with heights?

I’m like the anti-Peter Pan. I’ve spent a good deal of my life on the ground, and I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty accustomed to walking around places on solid ground. I like walking without feeling like I’m going to drop to my death.

Thankfully, Soarin heard my totally not pitiful, very manly pleas of terror and oh-so-carefully lowered me to the ground at a gentle pace of about fucking Mach speed.

“For buck’s sake, Soarin,” Spitfire rolled her eyes as she landed gracefully, her wings flittering softly through the air. “Shut that thing up, he’s hurting my ears.”

“I don’t want to die!” I wailed, clinging to Soarin with all the muscles in my arms. He almost had to peel me off of him, I was so freaked out by the time we finally landed.

“Yeesh. Anxious much?” Soarin grinned, obviously taking pleasure in my panic.

And that’s when I finally opened my eyes again, I swear, I saw the face of god.

Well, actually, it was just some dirt.

But I was glad to see it.

“Ground!” I gasped, dropping to the earth and kissing it like my Great Aunt Gertie did everybody at Thanksgiving. “Sweet, sweet ground, how I frickin’ missed you!”

Spitfire picked up one of her hooves away from me, her lips turning in disgust.

“Gross.” She shook her head slowly, staring. “Pull yourself together, Toothpick. Soarin, flank on the right.”

I was a little confused by that one, but the other pegasus took position on my right side.

“Hang on, what?” I blinked, still kneeling on the ground and trying to cover what I could of myself with my arms.

“In case you decide to try running away,” Spitfire explained blandly.

“… To where?” I asked pointedly. “What, you really think that I’m just going to go running off without getting any pants first?”

Soarin and Spitfire stared at me for a long beat, before she finally replied “Have you considered that it’s not for your safety?”

Ouch.

I guess I hadn’t really thought of it that way. To these guys, I was probably kind of scary. On top of the fact that I just showed up in Spitfire’s home, claiming to be psychic to save my own butt, it wasn’t really any wonder they didn’t trust me. It really got me thinking about the consequences of just walking right into pony civilization, just how badly I’d be freaking everybody out.

That lasted all of about four seconds, because the breeze was starting to pick up again and I was walking around with my tackle out, for god’s sake. Thankfully, we found the towel not too far away; and let me tell you, I was all over that thing like Yogi Bear on a pic-a-nic basket.

“Yes!” I crowed, wrapping the bedraggled towel around my waist again, keeping it tight enough that it wouldn’t fall if I walked.

“… Why do you keep doing that?” Soarin asked in confusion as we neared what I was pretty sure was Ponyville.

“Doing what?” I asked, a little more confident (and faster) now that I wasn’t stark naked.

“That, with the towel,” Soarin nodded toward me. “You act like you can’t go anywhere without it.”

“Actually, I noticed that as well,” Spitfire spoke up, guiding us toward a dirt path. “What is it with that thing? It’s just a towel.”

I thought for a second, and said “I don’t know about you guys, but humans don’t really, uh… go around naked, exactly. I mean, except on nudists beaches and colonies, that kind of thing.”

It was kind of obvious that they had no idea what I was talking about, but Spitfire frowned and asked “You… things live in colonies?”

“Not really. Well, kind of,” I shrugged.

“That was not helpful in the slightest,” her frown deepened.

I only shrugged again, realigning the towel. “I mean, we live in towns and cities and stuff.”

“I’ve never seen a human city in my life,” Soarin said skeptically as we passed a couple of donkeys down the road. They actually stopped and did a double take before hurrying away from us.

“I’m pretty sure that’s because they’re all in another world,” I said casually, rolling my wrist through the air.

“Huh. An alien, then?” Spitfire cocked an eyebrow. “Then how come you speak fluent Eqquish?”

“I don’t,” I replied automatically. “I’m speaking English.”

“… No, no you’re not,” she said a little more firmly, looking at me as if I were being deliberately stupid. “It’s Eqquish, plain as day.”

I thought about arguing with her over it, but bit my tongue. Maybe our languages were just really close? I had never really put a lot of thought into it before. Then again, I hadn’t really had a reason to.

So instead, I just shrugged for the bajillionth time.

“Okay, Eqquish,” I reluctantly agreed, the little town drawing closer and closer with every step. “Don’t ask for an explanation for that either, because I don’t have one.”

Spitfire pretty much ignored me after that. Not as in losing interest, but deliberately giving me the cold shoulder. I think I might have ticked her off, or something. No idea how, though.

It felt like we had been walking for hours, and for the record; have you ever walked on dirt that’s been baking in the sun all day with bare feet? Might feel kind of warm, and comfortable for a few minutes?

Yeah, after a couple of hours of that, I was checking behind me every few minutes for red streaks on the ground because I think my feet were bleeding oh god.

They weren’t bleeding, coincidentally. But it sure as hell felt like they were.

“This is agony,” I moaned, dragging myself forward at a lazy pace. “My legs are going to fall off…!”

“Oh, stop whining,” Spitfire rolled her eyes again. “That’s all you’ve done for the past hour!”

“Fifty-three minutes,” Soarin interjected.

“Whatever!” she snapped at him, obviously tense. “We’re nearly there, don’t get your towel in a twist.”

“You’re right,” I felt a little bad for leaving them on the receiving end of my groaning and moaning, and being the pleasant, fun guy I am, tried to lighten the mood a little. I snapped my fingers, and then threw out my arms in front of me. “Meh, I’m tired. Carry me.”

I slowly found my arms retracting to my sides against my will, because the look that Spitfire gave me just then probably could have curdled milk.

I think that she tried to tell me something, but I couldn’t really make out what it was. In my defense, in all likelihood, it was because the moment we approached Ponyville, somebody clubbed me over the head.

Hard.