The monk

by Sir Hat

First published

I was just on my way through the forest when I saw her crash. I couldn't leave her there...what's a small detour on my usual trip. Never had a traveling companion out here before anyways.

I was just on my way through the forest when I saw her crash. I couldn't leave her there...what's a small detour on my usual trip. Never had a traveling companion out here before anyways.


I felt her stir in my arm, "Ah good, I was starting to think that concussion had done some real damage." I let my hand curl up and grace her ear, it flinched at my touch.

"Who the hay are you!?" She yelled, immediately trying to wriggle free, "Le- go!" I tightened my grip ever so lightly.

"Easy...you took quite the spill, smacked into a mountain if you wish me to be precise." Her eyes shot wide, "Ah you do remember. You really should watch where you are going, hitting mountains face first cant be healthy." She did not as I would have expected cease her thrashing. She instead took to it quite vehemently until I let her go. She had a solitary moment of flight before her wing locked to her side and sent her tumbling to the ground, "Oh dear...that looked like it hurt."

"You!" She charged over to me, sticking a hoof in my face, "You did this!"

"I did nothing of the sort!" I held my ground against the steaming mare, "From what I saw you were distracted and smacked yourself into a cliff face, and I am hardly to blame for your own inattentiveness!"

"You were fighting something in the woods, I was gonna go help when the mountain came out of nowhere!"

I looked back at the spot she landed, "How does a mountain come out of nowhere? Surely a stationary pile of rock has the right of way." I deadpanned.

"Well...I...who the hay are you to pick me up anyways!? I've heard about you humans! You like touching ponies in weird places...."

"What!?" I was so flabbergasted I took a step back, "How presumptuous!" I walked sternly to her and waggled my finger at her, "Why on earth would I want to 'touch' you!? Have I made any inclination as to such intent?"

"Well...no, and speak Equestrian-"

I cut her off "Then why is it that you dare accuse me of malicious intent!? The gall; the absolute gall of you!" I took a step back and simmered down, "You were hurt and I could not in good conscious leave someone unable to care for themselves at the mercy of the forest!"


"I mean by the time I reached you something was already coming for you, something wooden." Her eyes went to pinpricks as her mouth fell open.

"Timber wolves." She whispered out as if unsure.

"I keep you from harm and you dare call me impure in my actions! Bah! Bah I say!"

"Hey I didn't mean-"

"No! Do not speak to me." I started back down the path, "The nerve of some people...equines."

I could hear the sound of beating hooves behind me and within moments the mare was flanking me once again, "Hey look...sorry...I just-"

"You talked without thinking, accused an innocent man of ill intent, and threw his kindness to the wind in one foul swoop."

"Yeah...that...I just...you dress all weird and I though-"

I stopped and turned to her, "Look...I tried to help you, but you refused, now leave me in peace." I stomped back down the path. She quickly ran in front of me, blocking my path.

"Hey at least tell me you accept my apology! Geez!"

"Why would I!? What about your actions is apologetic?"

Her face got slowly redder as the anger compacted, her wings shot open with a snap. She was strait faced for two seconds before collapsing on the ground and holding her injured wing, "Owwie owwie owwie!" I rolled my eyes and wandered over to her.

"Oh dear me." I wiped my face, "You really are rather clumsy," I scooped her back up, cradling her in my arms. I made sure her wing wasn't pinched or pinned as I walked, "Clumsy in speech just as in motion." I chuckled to myself, "An absolute comedy of errors."

I hurried my pace along the dirt path. Birds singing, leaves rustling, nature was at peace around us.

The mare had taken to pouting and complain about her wing. Apparently the fall was more damaging than the actual impact with the mountain, something I attributed to her thick skull, "Don'needyourhelp..." She grumbled out as she puffed out her cheeks and scrunched her muzzle.

"Yes my dear, you apparently do." I laughed at the sheer stubbornness this mare had, quite admirable if not so debilitating.

"You laughing at me!?" She craned her head up to try and peek under my hood at my face, "You're not funny you know! And where are you even taking me?" She looked around the trees, "Wait...Winsome Falls?"

"What a silly name...but yes, I come to the falls every month or so, I find it relaxing. Also the water is rather warm in the summer." I hurried my pace, the prospect of a warm bath garnering my attention, "Hmm perhaps the water will help mend your wing, you do live in a land steeped in magic..."

She looked at me like I was crazy, "Winsome Falls isn't magic...and how would you know! You're a human...you don't even have magic." I nodded jovially.

"True, and your magic seems to be more of an impairment than a gift." I nipped the tip of her injured wing with my fingers. The noise she made was somewhere in between a gasp and a shriek. She shot me a rather angry look, once more trying to peer under my hood.

"Why are you wearing that..." She asked, poking at the edge of my hood.

"To keep the sun off of me." She wasn't buying it, "...because I have something to hide."

"See!" She poised herself to wriggle free, "You humans are weirdos!"

"Fine, entertaining the idea that I was going to do something bad to you; what would I gain?"

"...Uh..." She grew a bright red blush, "...stif- I mean stuff!"

"You cannot even say it, how will you accuse me of it?" I hurried my pace once again, "My dear you were free to leave yet you persisted, injuring yourself even further." I grew a wicked smile, "At this point I could suspect you of having some lascivious reasons." pulled off flawlessly.

She looked genuinely confused. "I...huh?"

I gave a slow groan, "Is culture so dead in this land? Hmm...how to put this without being vulgar: what I'm implying is that you would be guilty of the very thing you accuse me of," She still looked confused, "...in reference to-" I moved my thumb and gave the base of her tail a quick poke, "If you understand my meaning."

Her blush only grew brighter, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa! I don't- with you- no no no no-"

"In that matter we can agree then." I shifted my grip, "No offense meant, but your people are too similar to horses for my tastes."

"I could never- wait what? You calling me a horse?" Once more she tried to peer angrily under my hood.

Getting fed up with this little game I pause in my walk, tearing my hood back, "No my dear, simply put there is a resemblance." I glanced down at her, she was transfixed on my face. Doubtlessly enthralled by my majestic beard, "It is rude to stare-"

"You're really bushy." She batted my beard.

I stopped mid word, giving a short sigh, "So I have been told."

"I thought you humans didn't have fur."

"It's not fur...it's hair,"

"Looks like fur,"

"It's not."

"Is to,"

"It is not!"

"Is to!"

"It's a beard! Beards are not fur!" She grew a scowl on her face before reaching up and taking hold of my beard in her mouth, "Ach- what are you-" She quickly pulled her head down yanking once on my beard before letting go.

"That was for my wing." She crossed her forelegs and settled back against my arm. It was admittedly adorable but it did little to calm my temper.

We didn't talk again until we reached the falls. I quickly set her down and quickly disrobed, "Hey hey hey whoa! I thought you said you weren't a weirdo!"

I finished pulling my robe off. I gave her an annoyed look, my entire lower body was still covered by a pair of slacks.

She glanced back at me before refusing to make eye contact, "Oh...alright."

I walked up to her and grabbed her, locking her against my chest, "Now for you pretense and uncivil behavior I expect you to do exactly as I say." I started walking us into the pool. The falls seemed to have been stopped up by debris.

"Pfff- that chan-"

"Anything I say." I quickly found my usual spot, a stone jutted up from a large pool, once could sit submerged up to their arms. I quickly lowered myself into the water, crossing my legs and keeping the rainbow maned girl just inches from the water. Her legs curling up away from the pool, "For once, trust me." I let her drop into the pool.

"Augfh- pfff- what the big-" I quickly flipped her onto her back, floating on the water.her eyes shot around wildly, "I don't like this!"

"I thought I told you to trust me." I quickly had her floating in front of me. The only part of her not submerged being her head. But her apprehension meant she wasn't very buoyant. I took to holding up the back of her head and the middle of her hind legs. I let the mare hang lazily just under the water. Slowly I closed my eyes and before I opened them again the falls had uncorked itself and was cascading behind me.

The mare's eyes shot wide from the spectacle, "Whoa."

I peered behind me with a smirk, "Whoa indeed."

A thin mist started rushing around us. The sound of the falls was a joy, a constant low rush followed by a loud pouring sound. I let my hands open and close lightly, letting my nails just scratch the surface of her fur. She was all but purring as I manipulated her posture and movement in the warm water.

We stayed silent for a while, letting the water swirl around us. But as time passed things were beginning to grow dark.

I pulled the mare out of the water by hooking my hands under her forelegs and held her just out of the water. I moved my fingers around and ran them across the joining of her wings. Her face grew the slightest pink as her wings shot open, "Better?"

I set her down on the rock next to me and faced her away. I ran my fingers up and down the base of her wings, causing them to flap involuntarily, "Oohhh yeahhhh~" This must have been a similar reaction to a dogs leg.

"And you doubted the water." I laughed as I brought her wings back to her side, "Now I think it's time you take your leave, it's getting dark and you should head home and rest."

She looked at the falling sun, "Sure..." She stayed planted next to me, I could feel a smile grow on my face, "...just..." In a flash she turned, wrapped her forelegs around my neck and brought me into a nuzzling hug. Just as quickly as it happened she broke off and hoovered a few feet off the ground, "Sorry, I was mean. You're actually pretty nice," She looked up to the sun, "Anyways see ya." She took off into the sky, "You should visit Ponyville someday!" She bolted off.

"Adieu," I waved goodbye, the water still rushing behind me, "Perhaps we'll meet again, and perhaps you'll learn some manners by then!" I laughed as the rainbow streak left me alone again. Left me to enjoy the rest of my stay in this tranquil pond. Today...today had been a good day.

Author's Notes:

Hey if you like this check out Ivory...please?
Also....this was kinda made due to the large amount of clopfics involving RD, a little self satire never hurt anyone.


4 months later

"Hmm...I feel like I'm being watched." I stopped walking and turned to her, "Amazing how well blue stands out against the snow is it not?"

She quickly shot down next to me, "No way you could see me!"

"No way I could see a pale blue, multicolored maned, magical creature...truly there was never a greater spy." I turned back to my path, "Well I have returned as requested, why in the winter I know not."

"Well I don't know what that meant, but come on! I have someone you should meet!" The rainbow girl darted off the opposite direction down the path. With some hesitation I followed slowly.

"They're staring at me." I said as the locals watched from their windows, "I fear I have made a poor decision...."

"Oh just ignore em," The girl said with a dismissive throw of her hoof, "They run from anyone who's different. Like Zecora...mostly her. But then again you both had hoods so that might be it."

"...Sounds like veiled racism...." I deadpanned, removing my hood we continued down the path into town.

A raspy whisper broke the silence, "Rainbow Dash!" I looked around the the source, "Raaaiiinnnbow Daaaash!"

"Do you hear that?" I asked continuing my search, "I believe someone is calling you...."

"Whaddya mean?" The Rainbow haired girl stopped and faced me, "Wait...Pinkie?" She cocked her head and stared past me. I quickly turned my head only to find a bright pink blob of hair.

The blob peeled around the corner of a building and walked over, "Hi there scary monster can I borrow this?" She hooked her hoof around the Rainbow girl and pulled her away, "Thank you!" She quickly darted off, screaming the whole way.

"Strange people." I dug into my satchel and pulled out a bag of cashews, "Oh well," I looked around and found a crate to sit on. I slowly dug into the bag and munched on a few cashews, "Hm...I should get more of these."

"Oh and the french maid did bend ore' the- Oh...back again are we?" I stood as the Rainbow haired girl walked over, "Ready to continue?" She didn't answer, instead walking past and letting her tails swish wildly.

I stood and followed her. After a few steps she turned around and stuck a hoof out, jabbing me in the gut, "Don't talk...just follow me."

I shrugged and followed quietly.

"Finally-" Rainbow girl gave a loud groan as she let her head fall.

I looked over the scene, "It's a tree."

"It's not just a tree!' She slowly walked behind me and started pushing me towards a small door in the tree, "I told you that I had someone you could talk to!"

I took a quick sidestep, sending the girl head first into the door. I shook my head as I picked her up and slung her over my shoulder, "Truly the definition of grace." I rapped my knuckle on the door a few times, "Good morning, is anyone in?"

"Oh! One second! Hold on! Wait!" There were several loud thuds before a clatter sounded towards the door. A few moments later the door swung open, "Hi how- oh!" She straightened out and took a step back, her eyes darted around me before she got into a defensive pose, "What did you do to Rainbow Dash!?"

I was about to defend myself when a tail bopped me across the face, "Don't ask." sounded my disgruntled passenger, "Twilight this is...uh...beard."

I shook my head a few times, "May I come in? This one,"- I gave the Rainbow girl a quick bounce -"Informed me that you may wish to speak with me."

The purple one gave me a worried look before folding her wings and taking a step back, "Fine."

"My thanks." I ducked inside and set the Rainbow girl down, "Now...as for names-"

Once again the Rainbow girl cut me off, "Twilight this is redhead, redhead, Twilight."

"I have a name. But I'm not sure if you deserve to hear it now." I turned to the purple one, "Madame," I gave a short bow. I quickly looked around the building, books littering the walls and floor, "A women of learning perhaps? Hmm...a collector, a student, a nun, dare I say, a writer?"

The purple one lightened up, "Well I wouldn't call myself a-"

"Twilight's a-" Rainbow girl tried to interrupt.

"Eh! Quiet you..." I pulled my bag of cashews out of my bag and held it to her, "Take these and let us speak."

She looked at the bag, "But I-"


"That only works on-"


She gave a few final grumbles before taking the bag and skulking off, "Better be worth it...."

"Such fire in that one...if only she could put it to a constructive use." I shrugged, turning to the purple mare, "Oh well, she'll find her stride eventually. Hmm," I walked over to a stack of books, "This...what language is this?"

The purple mare walked over, "Equestria," She chirped, "So...you like books?"

I perused her collection, "Well I am a bit of a fan of knowledge..." I stopped and dug around in my bag, "I propose..." I pulled an old leather bound journal from my bag and handed it to her. She looked it over before levitating it and sniffing it.

"Hmm...how old is this?" She asked looking the book over.

"Well I've been writing it for a few years, a few chapters every few month or so. It's all information on fauna, flora, alchemy, anatomy, husbandry, sciences: both natural and arcane. And a few..." I gave a rough cough, "A few more...perverse...stories from my younger years."

She gave me a knowing smirk, "Thank you." She set it down on a clean space and trotted back over, "Now-" A quill and notepad flew over, "Mind if I ask you some question?"

I gave a soft smile, "Not at all, you may ask your friend I have no objections to discussion. But..." I soured my tone, "I will not abide ignorance nor assumptions."

She gave a single nod, "Well, I don't know much about humans so I'll let you explain."

I returned her nod with a smile, "Indeed a more respectful and level headed sort than the fiery spectrum." I shouted slightly, "At any rate, what do you wish to know?"

"....Needless to say the French nobility are rather annoying." Twilight nodded, "But I think my time in this land draws to a close." A glace outside saw slowly encroaching darkness, "I shall inform a friend of you, no doubt he will be ecstatic at the chance to share his knowledge of the cognitive and metaphysical." I stood and pulled at my beard, "A final request, may I have a book to show him?"

Twilight finished with her notes, "Huh? Oh, sure!" She set her notes down and levitated a hard cover textbook to me, "History of old Equestria, third edition." She smirked at the book, "I've already got it memorized."

I took the book from her and tucked it away, "Many thanks. Ms. Dash!?" I yelled, "I am about to depart."

A moment later she walked out from behind a fort of books and held my bag out for me, "Okay so it was kinda worth it." I took the now empty bag from her. While I laughed at her fervent devouring of my food she flew up and pressed her forehead against my own, "But next time, remember who ask to hang out." She wrapped her hooves around me and nuzzled the side of my head, "Remember too come back soon."

I reached up and scratched her flank, the sudden contact causing her wings to falter and her body to take a quick dip, "Never my bright eye'd friend, never. And to you Ms. Sparkle, a good night to you, and may your life be well lived." She gave a quick flustered laugh. I gave Dash a final back rub and took my leave. I had kept this land secret for so long...but my friend was the trust worthy type, and no doubt he would love to investigate a land of arcane wonders more than anyone else.

Mulling it over as I walked, my brain drifted, "A rainbow colored equine eating cashews...." I quickly devolved into a series of snorts and chuckles, "The adventures of a flamboyant creature discovering her love for nuts...truly absurd."

Author's Notes:


The Scholar Pt 1

"Catholic scum." I pushed past the monk as we walked through the woods, "Why you bring me here?"

The monk shoved me, "Quiet you useless orthodox dolt! I told you, just head into town and find the largest oak tree." He planted his foot on my ass before shoving me off, "Now get out of here you drunkard!"

"(Eh screw you!)" I yelled in my true language, "(Idiot, I will take your face and break your face!)"

The monk yelled one final utterance back at me before disappearing. "They don't speak Romanian!"

I threw my arms up and walked on. "Is bullshit." I grumbled to myself as I walked bulkily along the path, "Ah auh!" I yelled as I tore my coat off, "I hate this place already!" I hung the heavy winter coat on a tree branch and stripped to my slacks and boots, "Is stupid."

I grumbled angrily as I hurried down the path, my satchel slapping against my thighs as I ran, "Mad." I muttered to myself as I started to see the town. "Peasant! Thatch roofs, cheap timbre frames, rustic accents!? Damn peasants!"

I let my arms fall to my side. Who was I to judge at this point, roped into going to this land by some catholic scum, now shirtless in the humid hell, and that's a damn pink horse!"

"Hi there!" The pink horse trotted over and gave me a toothy smile.

"He drugged me." I muttered quietly to myself, "The bastard drugged me!"

The horse started giggling as I pushed past, "Don't be silly. I-"

"I will not speak to my hallucinations!" I yelled back at the bright pink creature as I hurried off.

"Oak tree...well, this is oak tree with door." I mumbled to myself as I approached the large tree. I forced it open and stepped inside, kicking a small lizard to the side as I strode in. "Who wishes to meet me!?"

Just as I finished yelling my entrance an abomination of half bird half horse half mythical creature bolted into the main room. She smiled wide as she walked over and pranced up to my chest. She gave a quick giggle before speaking. "Why don't you have a shirt?"

I stared angrily at her. "Why are you a bird horse with a horn?"

She took a nervous step back. "Hey said you would be...rough."

"Who!?" I yelled as I towered over her. "The Catholic!?"

She flattened out her ears as she took a few steps back. "The other human. He said you were a little mean."

"Mean!? I am mean?" I snorted and crossed my arms. "I deal with horse creatures for him, I walk through forest in middle of night for him, I promise to keep his secret and he calls me mean?" I gave a quick grunt as I looked to the side. "Bull crap."

We stood there for a while until she hovered a book in front of me. "He said to give you this."

I cocked an eyebrow and grabbed the book. I flipped through it a few times before snapping it closed with my palm. "Some sort of Slavic language." I took a more in depth look at the book. "Hmm, perhaps more reminiscent of Latvian. The sentence structure looks to be Angle, as does the entomology. Prussian even. Yes, Prussian is the closest match structure wise."

I snapped the book closed and set it aside as I went to the next. "Hmm, so strange reading Balt words with Germanic structure." I sat on a table as I read a number of books. I mindlessly reached into my satchel, fishing a book out and jammed it in a nearby bookshelf.

"Oh! Thanks?" The purple creature walked over to me, she peaked her head over my arms to try and read with me. I pushed her away and went back to reading. "Hey...."

"Quiet you." I finished with the book and set it aside. "So who are you?"

The creature straightened up. "Twilight Sparkle."

I stared angrily at her. "Your new name is Purple."


"Yes. Twilight Sparkle sounds like a name for some actor or fool."

Purple looked hurt as her ears flattened out. "You really are mean."

I nodded twice. "Yes I am. Here." I handed her a few more books. Following it up by taking a notepad out and finding a pen. "I am the Boyar of Valcan. Scholar not content to sit around like an old women, and that is why I have no shirt."

Purple looked at the books before looking up at me. "What?"

I cringed as I scratched my chest. "Many see fit to sit in large chairs being pampered, I am not content with that life and as such I came here. The heat is unbearable and thus I took off my coat and am disrobed.

"Okay?" She smiled weakly as she looked through the large book. "So you're a noble? I'm a noble!"

"Is that so?"

"Well...sort of."

I worked my pen before taking notes. "Patriarchy or matriarchy?"

Purple looked up at me for a moment. "Matriarchy."

I scribbled on my notepad. "Government?"

"Uh...I don't actually know. We have princesses."

I shook my head and scribbled again. "I shall-" I was cut off as something tiptoed quietly into the room.

"Twilight I uh...book...." The pale yellow creature walked past me and set a book on a table. "I'll just go no-"

I grabbed the creature under the forelegs and held her in front of me. She squealed like a child as I held her in front of me. She was nearly crying as I looked at her. "I take this for notes."

"Twilight help...Twilight help! Help!" I threw the creature over my shoulder and wandered into a random room. I cleared a table and set her on it. "So uh...I'll just go-"

I spread her body and poked her underside, causing her wings to fly open. "Interesting...." I started taking notes as I held the creature down.

She stayed put but continued to whimper as I poked and prodded her body. "I'm sorry- I should-"

"You stay put." I sat back and continued my notes. She stayed put as I picked her back legs up. "Trimmed fetlocks, well cleaned hooves," I ran my fingers along the inside of her hooves, causing her to giggle like a chambermaid. "Hmm. Strange."

"Sorry...." She hid her face with her forelegs as I took my notes.

I shook my head as I flipped her onto her front and turned her backside to me. Her tail snapped between her legs. I yanked it to the side. "Do not stall." I finished with my unpleasant observations and finished another page of notes. Her whimpering and squirming was becoming rather bothersome. "I have no malicious intent little one. Be still and let me observe." I jabbed her flank with my pen, causing her to kick reflexively.

"Why did you have to look at me...down there?"

I blinked hard as I turned her around to face me. "Leave no stone unturned, no mystery unsolved. I am also not some simple stable boy, venturing to lose his virginity to some mare in the winter. I am a man of science and not some simplistic yokel!"

She nearly fell off the table as I stared at her eyes. "Oh...okay...."

Once I finished with my sketches and notes I took a final time to run my hands through Yellow's mane and scratch up her side. "Is done." I reached into my satchel and pulled out a small purse of coins. "Take these and buy something nice." I set her on the ground and scooted her out the door with the side of my foot.

With her out of the way I hurried to find Purple. "Purple, I require breeding papers for as many horses as you can get me."

Purple looked up from a book. "Breeding papers?"

"Yes. I wish to see genealogy of you creatures."

"Oh...well I might-"

I cut her off and walked over to Yellow. "Too much time wasted, I take field notes. Yellow!" I snapped my head to her. She nearly fainted as I looked at her. "Take me to more horses." I picked her up despite her whimpers and hurried out the door.

"Huh..." Twilight looked through the book the I had given her as I walked out. "What's an Ottoman?"

I turned back to the building for a final time. "Greasy pig human! The Ottoman Turk is the devil!"

I hurried off into town as I contemplated using some of these horned ones to send against the disgusting pigs. "Hmm. Yellow, have you heard of Wallachia?"


I pet her head as I hurried off. "We find food and I tell you of great nation."

Author's Notes:

Ottoman pig will never conquer great Transylvania! Wallachia is powerful nation!

The Ranger Pt 1

I slipped in past the hooded one and through the waterway. Once through it was a simple matter of slipping through the woods and across to the barrens. It never surprised me that the monk had come here, this place is wondrously tranquil in the winter, he was a fool to come in the summer.

Winter was simply amazing, why anyone would forgo the brisk chill of winter for the sweltering heat of summer was beyond me. Equestrian winter in the barrens were especially pleasing, the locals stay away, the caverns underneath are perfect places for hiding loot, and a herb with amazing potential for tea grows there in the bitter cold.

I reached the barren, perched in the edge of a tree overlooking the massive wastes. I watched from afar as a red headed pony ran across the frozen dust. "Buck, buck, bucking buck!"

Moments later a gryphon bolted after it. "I'll buck you, ya garden loving weirdo!"

I pulled my bow off my back and readied an arrow. I drew a bead on the dashing creature, pulling back at the last moment. I swapped arrows, dipped it in a poison, and loosed.

The arrow flew true and struck the gryphon on the flank, sending it spinning on the ground until it laid still. I dropped out of the tree with a heavy thud, sending dust flying up around me. I hurried towards the downed aniaml, the angry creature quickly yanking the arrow out and turning to me. "What's the big idea with...shooting me...you...pony loving...ape...thing-" the agitated beast stumbled before landing face first in the dust.

I walked slowly towards the creature, kneeling down next to it and examining the wound. Just like intended the arrow had barely dug in, delivering the stunning blow with only the smallest wound. "Oh dead Celestia you killed him!" the red headed pony bolted over and pranced in the dust. "I didn't- I mean thanks and all but that was a bit much!" I ignored her and poured a suave over the beast's wound. I quickly wrapped it and threw the beast over my shoulder. "You're gonna eat him aren't you!"

"What?" I finally asked boorishly. "Why in the love of god would I eat him?"

"Because you're a monster!" she stunned herself with her words. "Monster!" she started stomping around like a nutcase, refusing to actually leave.

"If I'm a monster then run away." I stated dryly, the mare simply tracing a circle on the ground and walking over.

"I uh...so I'm Rose...who are you?"

"Apparently a monster." I said with a laugh, "I jeer. On a serious note why was he chasing you?"

Rose walked a circle around me as I jogged towards the nearest town, a charming little hamlet with a pink pony and amazing food. "I might have...maybe I." I cocked an eyebrow at the mare, she quickly broke out into a wide blush as a grin went from ear to ear. "I called him a manticore's rear end and said he smelled like rock-o'-dile's fart."

I started laughing hard. "A manticore ass,"- I bounced the gryphon on my shoulder -"he weights about as much."

Rose started laughing nervously. She perked up when the gryphon let out a horrendously loud snore. "Oh! He's not dead!?"

I shook my head. "He's just going to wake up with a headache, maybe a bit of nausea."

Rose let out a long held sigh, "You...you're pretty cool for a thingy."

"I am the single best thingy you will ever meet." I reached down and tugged her tail.

She kicked a few times until I put her down. "No, the best thingy would be modest!" she huffed, looking adorable as she turned it into a pout. This is exactly why I liked the locals, they were damn adorable.

"Modesty must give way to honesty, and if I said I was anything but astounding I would be a liar."

She scrunched her muzzle up like mad as she failed to respond. She scrunched her muzzle up before sticking her tongue past her lips and letting out a ridiculous sound, "Flabaroopfffff."

I had a single moment of control before I had to stop, a low squeal resonating as I tried to hold it back. I lost it, my laughter forcing me to set the gryphon down and take a knee. "Wh-a-a-at?" I fell onto my ass as I continued to laugh, my face starting to hurt like crazy as my smile hardened. "Can't breath."

I could barely see Rose through my tears. "It's not that funny!"

I rolled onto my belly to try and keep the pain down. "On- oh dear lord- on the contrary. That was by far one of the most hilarious things I've seen a horse say since neigh!"

She stomped around me for a bit. "I'm going home!"

"Wait!' I managed to grab her tail. "Wait...I'm sorry."

She kicked my hand away and whirl around. "You don't look sorry!" she pouted, making me coo my sympathies.

"Don't do that...I can't handle it. I really am sorry...please let me escort you home." I stood up and put the saw like gryphon back on my shoulder. "Please...it's the least I can do."

She pursed her lips as she looked me over. "Fine, but you don't get to laugh at me anymore."

"Well then don't be hilarious." I coughed out instead of a laugh. "Phew...alright, I can do that."

She swayed her hips to the left. "You'd better."

Things got quiet as we made our way towards the town, my usual routine of gathering plants completely interrupted. "Might I ask then, why were you out in the middle of the barrens, in the middle of winter as well!"

Rose thrust a hoof towards the particular herb of which I covet. "I was getting snowy ash-blossom." she ran over and carefully plucked the plant. "It only grows-"

"In the barrens during winters."

Rose cocked her head as her ears flailed against her head. "Well...yeah. How did you know that?"

"I came for the exact same plant, and if I could find any nightshade that would be excellent."

Rose scratched her head. "Nightshade...you mean the pony? Cause she lives in Canterlot."

"The pony- no, the plant. I use it to make my poisons, I used a low dose to send this cretin to bed." I patted the gryphons bum, causing him to kick his legs. "Heavy bastard."

Rose nodded. "He was supposed to help me look, but he started getting snippy...said I wasn't going to pay him."

"Were you?"

Rose let out a solitary laugh. "Heck no!"

I smiled wryly. "So you're the villain here. Perhaps you should have taken the arrow!"

She scoffed at me. "You're not going to get near my flank with an arrow."

I tried to hide my smirk. "Not ruling out my other pointed weapons?"

It took her a moment to realize what my lewd smile meant. "Oh my gosh!" she lagged behind as she frantically squealed out her protest. "That's gross, you weirdo, why would you say that!?"

I blew raspberries as we walked. "I don't discriminate against anyone, I puncture all forms of sentient life." I hooked my finger against my bow to not seem horribly crass.

"You're gross."

"I know, but we're wasting daylight debating my perversions and your refinement." I ran past her and waited for her to get close. Once she was in reach I scooped her up and threw her over my other shoulder. "If you have more plants I believe we might have much to discuss!" I bolted off at double the speed.

"H-h-h-hey, stop- bouncing- me!" Rose complained as she kept smacking her tail into my face. I ended up biting it and running faster towards town. I had a time table to keep!

The Scholar Pt 2

I walked back into the tree building. "Hey, you're back- oh...what happened to your eye?"

I plopped down next to Purple. "The yellow one asked to leave when I finished telling her of Ottoman scum, so she leave. Then I find orange workhorse, I ask to give examination, she take exception, I slap rear," I pointed to my eye. "and now this."

Purple hid her nose in a book. "That's...unfortunate."

I grabbed a book from nearby and cracked it open. "Unfortunate is not exactly the word I would use." I scanned the book before tucking it in my satchel. "I'm going to leave now...this place vexes me. The lack of hot water is abhorrent. As is being assaulted for scientific pursuits."

Purple just continued to read. "Sure...hey what does this mean?"

She handed me a book, the ginger haired one's work. I read it slowly. "Oh god...I though he was a man of god...this...this is lewd."

"What's it say?"

I shook my head and took the book. "It's a story about an English lance and a French maid, nothing for your kind."

I made sure it was thoroughly buried in my bag as I went to the door. Purple walked me there. "Uh...you know we have hot water...right?"


"We have indoor plumbing too!"

The phrase indoor plumbing rang in my ears. "So...I will be staying here indefinably...conducting research...on pipes." she wasn't buying it, her smile growing only larger as she caught on. I simply pivoted on my heel and walked out the door. "I must find my coat."

I was half a step out the door when the little lizard ran back in. "Twilight...screaming...flower shop- another thingy!" He was both winded and energetic at the same time. "You gotta do something, it sounded like she was getting hurt!"

I grabbed my sword. "Purple I shall sort this out. Lizard take me to the harm!" He looked terrified as my hand rested on my sabers hilt. "Lizard go before I throw you!"

He let out a boyish yelp as he bolted out the door. I followed soon after.

The Ranger Pt 2

I let out a soft sigh as I re-buttoned my pants. "Well that was...interesting." I started laughing as I finished my sentence. Rose trotting in with a bit of a limp. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She turned her nose up and smiled wide. "I'm fi-" She stumbled, nearly bashing her muzzle against a counter top. "Okay...maybe not."

I straightened her out. "Dear god, was it really so much?"

"Hey shut up! I don't even know why I let you do that...."

"Because I'm a charming and if I may say so, dashing, individual." I walked behind her and let my fingers dance along her ribs. "And because it felt good."

Her coat bristeled under my touch, ears twitching too. "Hey alright...I-" she let out a small giggle as I rubbed her side. "Okay...okay...enough!" She stomped her hooves, "It's enough. For now."

I threw my hands up and walked back. "Alright...but sensitive hooves and arrow fletching are an amazing pairing." I danced an arrow between my fingers and ran my finger through the soft fletching.

She tensed up as I ran the cold metal head across her side, shivering as I dragged it across her flank. "H- ooo...hey!"

"Pff...fine." I stowed the arrow and walked with. "Why are we-" I was cut off as Rose flung the curtain of her shop wide open. Rows of ponies had plastered themselves against the large bay windows. "Uh...I think they might have heard us."

The ponies quickly drew back. "Monster!" They started bolting off in every possible direction.

"Yep...I think they-" Once again I was cut off by a loud bang. "Oh what now!?"

"You!" None other than the vampire weirdo stood in the doorway with a saber.

"Oh shit!" I pulled my bow off and pulled an arrow, managing to pull it taut as the Wallachian planted a boot on my chest and forcing me to the ground. His sword's tip was pointed at my throat while I had an arrow aimed at his eye. "Boyar...hello."

"Saxon scum...you harm the ponies?!" He pressed his boot into my chest.

"No, but it looks like they harmed you!" The Boyar's hand shot to his eye.

"Oh and so you are funny? What is screaming!?"

I pursed my lips and turned my head to the terrified Rose. "That was...we were...."

The Boyar looked at Rose, she showed him a bright red blush. "Oh you sick little man...."

"Better than some of the mountain skanks you keep in your bed!"



"Idiots!" A third voice entered the fray. "Both of you are absolute idiots." The monk wandered over to us. "For the love of god stop acting like children right now!"

There was a long standoff before the Boyar nicked my cheek with his saber and stowed it. I got to my feet and jabbed his tit with an arrow. "Asshole!"

"You cut me so don't start!"

The monk just let out an exasperated groan. "Both of you out...go back to Europe...I need to deal with all of this."

I stared at the two angrily. "Fine, Duncan. But Vasili is still a prick!"

"As are you Carmichael...as are you, now get out."

Vasili started speaking Romanian as he walked out. I was glad I didn't speak his filthy bat language anyways. I waited at the door and eavesdropped on the Monk and Rose. "I'll take...of it...not a....idea...Mayor?" This bored me. I had to get home and take care of some things anyways.

The Architect

"We lay the foundations here...here...and here." I threw down a few flags to designate the dimensions. "Yard is here...bed and board are here...main hall goes here." The workers and monk stood around staring at me. "Well...get to work!" I kicked at the workers, sending them forward to dig. "Idiots...Duncan why did you send these miserable louts."

Duncan walked next to me. "It's who I could afford. I mean...I paid you in membership, these poor lads aren't coming back."

I nodded. "Aye, best to keep a place such as this a bit hidden. But surely you have someone you can call."

Duncan took his chin in hand. "I may...let me arrange something." Duncan started walking off, leaving me to contend with these poor leprous bastards.

"Not there you idiot! We're building a tavern, not some fucking hovel!" I ran over and pulled a ruler out of my bag. "I'll beat the sense into you if you keep this up!"

Duncan started walking over with a rather tall fellow. "So what's going on."

"I came up with an elegant solution to my problem. We're going to start guarding this doorway."

The tall man looked at the workers. "So why'd you call me? You building a wall?"

Duncan shook his head. "No, I'm building an inn. Giving bed and board to travelers and regulating who comes through."

The tall man and Duncan finally got to me. "Right, and you thought to invite me? How sweet."

I pushed a shovel into the tall man's hand. "Work for a room, now get digging!"

The tall man looked stunned. "Right so...you...ya know what. A travelers lodge here does sound amazing...but I want a permanent room!"

"Deal!" Duncan shook his hand and hurried back off.

The tall man looked towards the growing trench. "Right, move it boys!" He jumped into the small pit and started digging.

"Fine...but I demand fair roam for eastern folk!"

"Okay, I was going to do that anyways."

"And a library!"

Duncan looked at me. "Can we do that?"

I put my hand on the Wallachian's shoulder. "My friend...we can do anything. I could make you a castle if you asked." I quickly shoved a spade into the Slav's hands. "Now get to bloody work!"

The Slav slowly walked into the pit, mumbling angrily about Catholics.

"A bit harsh." Duncan walked over to me.

"Quiet. Do you want this built in your lifetime or not!?"

Duncan rolled his eyes. "We're still going to need more...I shall return." He walked off.

"Fine, just hurry!" This lodge was going to take years at this rate.

Author's Notes:

Next story will be The Lodge: a collection of Equestrian adventurers.

Return to Story Description


Login with