Discord’s eyes snaked up and down, observing the curvaceous features of the princess as his forked tongue poked in and out of his mouth. He had always wondered what made that trotting piece of eye candy taste so good to look at. It could have been a spell, or maybe she managed to burn off a few extra calories with couple strenuous libido exercises. Well, it was neither proper, nor his place for him to question her lifestyle. In fact, he was there for an entirely different reason. And surprisingly, it didn’t involve sex this time.

Or so he thought.

“Really Celestia, you must keep those curtains drawn. It get’s awfully nippy in here,” Discord called out, shattering the silence about the room. Celestia turned around having been busy writing a letter. Perhaps her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, who last time Discord checked, was still a pompous busy-body who loved rules more than entertainment value.

“Discord,” she replied. “I didn't hear you come in.”

Discord slid on the air as he swirled around overhead, coming to a stop in the space above the princess's head. ”So, what's so important that you had to drag me out of my quarters and into yours, and at such a late hour? Usually I'd say it can wait until morning, but if this is another one of your… quarterly yearnings, then I think we can work out a deal.” Suddenly, a rose appeared out of nowhere and landed in Discord’s mouth. “¿Estás listo para follar?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “You’re unbelievable.”

He nodded and smiled. She was right, of course.

“No, I’m not in heat… right this minute. But there is something that has come up, and I don’t know who else to turn to.”

Discord began floating in the air above Celestia, teetering back and forth on an invisible rope as he strummed a ukulele that had somehow ended up in his claws. The tune was easy and soft, mimicking the gentle flick of his tail back and forth. Almost like a metronome keeping a slightly off numbered count.

“So, you’ve reached the end of your rope and come crawling to me to help fix it, huh? Isn’t it usually the other way around? In fact, I’m the one usually begging to get you to lift that pretty tail of yours.”

Celestia blushed for a moment and then shook her head. “You twist my words, Discord. I’ve simply come to you as a friend and requested that you assist me with the well being of Equestria as a sovereign state.”

Discord looked up, slightly confusedly. “Equestria?”

Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Yes, Equestria. What else would this be about?”

Discord looked puzzled for a moment, but shook his head and turned back to her with a smile. “I apologize. I've been a bit confused lately.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and nodded. “I understand. Now, can we get back to the issue?”

Discord nodded.

“Alright, now, have you heard mention of the Griffon’s new invention?”

Discord lit up. “Ah yes, the one that’s meant to tear into the sides of buildings and rip off the walls! Very chaotic. I love it!” He grinned at the mare, but she didn’t grin back.

“Well, that’s good, if you were a griffon!”

“Well, I am part griffon, but for the sake of continuity, what's your point?”

Celestia’s hoof met her face with a ‘clop’. “My point is, is that these other nations are producing weapons and armies faster than we ever hope to achieve! Just recently, we've discovered that the changeling army that invaded the Crystal Empire has grown nearly twice in size. We hardly have a military at all! This monstrosity is just the first step. Soon, they'll have weapons capable of taking out entire scores of the guard.”

Discord looked at her and shook his head. “And whose fault would that be?”

Celestia stomped her hoof down. “Discord! I do not need this right now! It looks like we've got a mountain coming down on us, and you’re sitting here cracking jokes!”

Discord stopped smiling. He hated when things got serious. It left very little to the imagination. “Alright, you’ve got my attention. Not all of it. But some.”

Celestia looked down for a moment and then scrunched up her face in thought. Finally, she looked back up at the draconequus. “We need more ponies. It’s as plain as that.”

He scratched his chin a bit. “A bit of cannon fodder I take it? My my, Celestia. And here I thought you were the princess who would throw her own sister into the moon to save her precious ponies." She grimaced, and he patted her on the head, deep in thought. "Well, I mean, there’s the long way to do it… but from the looks of your demeanor, you have neither the time, nor the patience.

She nodded.

“I’m not sure what to tell you. I’ve got the ability to change somepony’s body, but I can’t change their will. Odds are, they would all demand their old bodies back. You might even get one of those angry mobs like when your sister took over all those years ago.”

“But…” Discord continued. “If I've learned anything in my life, it's that there are always ways to get around the rules. If the ends justify the means... I suppose we could always take a few from that one place.”

Celestia turned her head for a moment. “What are you talking about?"

Discord grinned. "I think I know a place where the inhabitants would be more than happy to be your subjects."

She looked at him and narrowed her eyes. It was a foolish idea to strike a bargain with Discord. It was even more ridiculous to expect it to work. But she sighed. Things were getting to be a little too much to handle regarding foreign affairs. She could only nod.

Discord snapped his fingers and popped by the door. “Alright, I agree to help you, but on one condition.”

“And what would that be?”

His smile was as malicious as his intent. “Oh, I think you know.”

Celestia bit her lip. She knew what was coming. In every sense of the phrase, too. She didn't want to feed his insatiable desire to torment her psychologically. But she had to.

Although... she didn't see why she might as well get something out of it. After all, if there was one thing Discord liked to do, it was bargain. “Alright, but you have to do one thing for me. A single condition.”

“Oh, I always use one of those! Don’t worry, it’s not like I can even get you pre—”

“No!” she interrupted, a fierce blush lighting up her face like a fire. “I was going to say be on your best behavior when you go out wherever it is you're going! I don't even want to know where that is. Just do it... safely.”

Discord laughed. “You’ve got it, Celestia! I won’t harm a hair on their little, human bodies.”

She eyed him warily. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

Discord appeared in a bright flash of light, craning his neck over the dimly lit street below him. It was quiet. Much too quiet to be the destination he had intended. Though, his magic was halted by the sound of heavy footsteps followed by the crash of a trash can falling over. He grinned. This was why he was here.

The human swayed back and forth as he struggled to stay on his feet. He was drunk. Discord could smell him. It almost made him gag. He was a wreck. He was a slob. He was… perfect.

“Hello, human,” Discord said, swooping down in front of the man who jumped at the surprise. Perhaps he wasn’t too drunk after all. The man's chest heaved with heavy breathe as he looked at the strange creature up and down, trying to focus as if he had stumbled upon an apparition. His eyes were a deep hazel, and his hair was a closely-cropped brown. He wore dirty jeans and a t-shirt that Discord couldn't identify with. A cultural thing, probably, Discord suspected.

He cleared his throat and started talking. Though, to Discord, the man's words seemed more closely relate to gibberish than actual communication. His words were slurred, but they sounded like this: “Discerdth… whaff arg ya doiong her…”

Discord rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. “Say again?”

“Discord, what are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in my computer! Er..." He looked down at his hands and his eyes widened. "Am I in my computer?”

The draconequus seemed distraught for a second, but rolled his eyes again and grinned. “Oh, well, that’s simple, my dear homo sapian. I’ve come a very long way to offer you the deal of your pathetic little lifetime.”

“A deal!?” the man asked as he almost fell off his feet. “You’re not even real!" He rubbed his eyes and belched a disgusting gas. "I think I’m drunk as a skunk!” he hiccuped.

“Indeed you are,” Discord said with a grimace. “But if you’d quit acting like one for a few seconds, we can move this a whole lot faster. Believe it or not, I’ve got a busy schedule tonight, and I’d rather not stay out for longer than I have to.”

The man’s eyes shrank and widened as he tried to get a picture of the creature in front of him. “Wait,” he said suddenly. “Don’t move. I dropped my wallet.”

Discord shook his head as he watched the man crawl around on the ground before heaving everything in his stomach out on the sidewalk. He almost felt sort of bad for the human. Despite the common belief that he loved everything discorded and out of place, he never much liked the sight of a sick creature. Or a creature being sick, rather. He loved illness of the mind and soul, not the degradation of bodily functions. That was just gross.

The man wiped his mouth and rubbed his eyes, slowly opening them like a mole coming out of the ground.

“Are you quite finished?”

The man nodded.

“Good,” he said, sailing back up into the air. “Now, I’ve got a few questions for you.”

The man nodded. Discord snapped his fingers, but instead of concocting chaotic magic, it only caught the man’s attention. What little attention he had to give in his inebriated state.

“How would you like to have your biggest dream come true?”

The man lit up. “You mean, you’re gonna get Natalie Portman to suck my dick!?"

“No, you idiot!” he snarled. “I mean your dream of living in Equestria.”

The man looked startled and he took another swig of his whiskey bottle. “No way!” he said in disbelief. “You mean Equestria’s real?!”

Discord only nodded. This guy was fucking annoying… Okay, Discord, just a few more seconds and he’ll be gone until Tuesday. Please, just don't let anypony else be so... gross.

“Fuck yeah!” the man shouted.

Discord put on a fake smile and clapped his hands. “It’s settled then. I’ll send you a notice within a few days. It’ll give all the directions you need and tell you all that good stuff. Just be ready to leave once the transformation is complete.”

“Transformation?” the man replied, shivering even though it wasn’t cold.

Discord nodded. “You don’t expect to go to Equestria as a human, do you?”

“I-I guess not. So… how is that gonna work?”

Suddenly, Discord appeared in front of a big chalk board wearing a lab coat, big black spectacles with tape on the rim, and a globe. Discord imagined that he looked very erudite and educated. It also occurred to him that he never went to school before. “You see, over the course of the next few days, my magic will be moving through your veins as it shifts your DNA.” The drunk man seemed to understand given his nodding, but from the look of his glazed eyes, it was quite impossible to tell just how much was getting through. “And then, one night, you’ll fall asleep and wake up as a cute little pony.”

The drunk man nodded as if he completely understood. “So is that it? Can I go to sleep now?”

Discord was about to fly off into the night, but his face contorted into a look of epiphany, and he sprang up. “Oh, I almost forgot! What type of pony do you want? Unicorn? Pegasus? Is there something you’re after?”

The man stared off into space for a good little while before Discord snapped his fingers in front of him, catching his attention.

“Something I’m after?”

The draconequus nodded.

“What do I want? Oh, man. I want me some pony pussy! You know, all the sex I can handle!” He smiled and fell over on his back, instantly asleep.

Discord looked up for a minute and then back down at the human. Well, that certainly was a strange request. He wondered if the human really meant what he had said, or if it was the whiskey talking. Though, he quickly shrugged it off. He had a lot more stops that night, and he couldn’t spend all his time trying to wake up the town drunk. He sighed, shook his head, and snapped his fingers

In an instant, he was gone.

Author's Notes:

The prologue of this story was written after the first two chapters had already been posted. It's written in 3rd person past tense for the sake of time and efficiency of handling background information. The rest of the story is written in first person present, and in my opinion, is much higher quality than this chapter. If I had it my way, this chapter would not even be a part of this story, but regardless, it gives required information for later parts of the story. Thanks for understanding.