My Little Scream Fortress 2: Grave Matters
by Lab Matt
First published
Celestia, RED Team's employer, and Luna, BLU Team's employer, are dead. But that doesn't mean their war is over!
Luna and Celestia have been fighting for the last 1000 years. The winner would receive the right to be the ruler of Equestria, but they were murdered before one of them could win. And their ghosts are not satisfied with that. Now it's up to the RED and BLU mercs to decide who is the winner... By sending one of them to Tartarus!
This fanfiction is NOT related to "Can You Feel Ze Schadenfreude?".
Part 1: Blood Sisters
Canterlot Castle. Two sisters stared at the sunset through the window. The sunset and the sunrise were the only moments of the day when Celestia and Luna could speak without the feeling of being in "enemy territory". Luna, the younger sister, was the first to speak:
"Celestia, we have engaged in a fruitless war for a thousand years."
"Indeed we have!" Celestia, the older sister, said.
"We have no heirs and, since the longevity spell our mother cast on us is already starting to fail, we're running out of time."
"Even though we tried and tried to increase its duration, the best we could was a few hours. Days, if we tried hard enough! Until we decided to hire mercenaries to fight our war for us."
"Thanks to our pointless bickering, the Ponn family line will die with us. It kills me to even say it, but I think you know what I intend to propose."
"I despise it with every magical cell of my being, but yes. It's the only solution that makes sense."
"We must--"
"Sister! Please." Celestia interrupted. "Dismiss the escort first."
Both Alicorns turned their heads to the entrance of the room, where two Royal Guards and two Night Guards stood.
"Leave us." Princess Celestia said.
"Now!" Princess Luna added.
"Yes, your highness." the four stallions said while bowing before exiting the room.
"Celestia, I propose a truce so that we can create a spell to make one of us pregnant!"
"A considerable solution."
"So, it's a deal?"
"Yes!"
The Alicorn princesses smiled and shook hooves.
"I must say, Celestia; it was big of you to suggest this meeting. That tear-stained letter you sent me--"
"What?" Celestia almost shouted, letting go of her younger sister's hoof. "You sent me a tear-stained letter."
Suddenly the door opened again. Princess Celestia angrily sighed. "I thought I asked you to--"
But the pony at the door wasn't any of the guards. Actually, it didn't even looked like a pony. She was a dark gray pony-like creature, but with holes in her mane, hooves, and her insectoid wings. She was levitating a bloody knife. Behind her, lying on the ground, were the bloody bodies of the four guards.
"My name is Chrysalis. I am your sister. And I sent the letters proposing the truce. Which, I might add, it took you literally thirty seconds to turn into an idiotic crime against magic. Congratulations!"
"Our sister?" Celestia asked. "But you're a Changeling! There's no way you could be related to us."
"Our father was a Changeling. Our mother didn't knew that until we were born. And then she killed him! The point is, I'm different, and that's something our mother could never accept. Luckily, our father's minions took me away before she could end my life. You were raised by your kind, I was raised by mine. You lived a life of luxury and pleasure, I struggled to survive in the Wastelands, where my kind lived. When I was old enough, my adoptive parents told me the truth about my past. So I killed them and found my way back to civilization. Disguised as a Guard, I gained access to the Royal Library, where I found the longevity spell. I learned it, perfected it, improved it and cast it upon myself. For centuries I watched you. Studied you. And now we're here!"
"You say you're our sister." Luna said skeptically. "Can you prove it?"
"But of course!" the Changeling levitated a birth certificate in front of them. She was indeed the younger daughter of Queen Faust and a stallion whose name was scratched.
"This changes nothing!" Celestia said. "We're still creating that pregnancy spell, and since our mother left Equestria for us to fight over, our descendant will have the right to be Equestria's king or queen. You can't--"
Celestia pressed her hoof against her chest and fell to the ground with a pained expression in her face.
"Don't worry, she's just dead for a moment." Luna said. "The spell will bring her back in a--"
"Hm, no." Chrysalis said, levitating the knife near Celestia's neck. "I think I've heard enough." with a swift move, Chrysalis cut her oldest sister's throat, incapacitating her for returing from the dead. Forever.
"What have you done!" Luna said. "Now the pregnancy spell-- Wait. If she's dead, that means I won! Equestria is mine!"
Princess Luna laughed. That prevented her from seeing her younger sister throwing the knife at her, stabbing her heart. When she fell to the ground, Chrysalis looked through the window. She then took a deep breath and smiled.
"Mine. Equestria is all mine."
She walked toward the throne, where a white crown was placed, waiting for the winner of the war to claim it. The moment Chrysalis placed it on top of her head, it turned black. She slowly trotted out of the room.
I did it!
After all these years, I finally did it!
Luna's body was still lying on the ground, but she also arose. It wasn't really her, but her spirit. And it was dancing and cheering.
"I won!" she shouted.
"What the hay are you talking about, Luna?" Celestia's spirit said as it arose from her own body. "She killed you too!"
"Yes! After she killed you!" Princess Luna pressed her ghostly hoof against Princess Celestia's ghostly chest. "Celestia, I outlived you!"
"Oh, come on. By seven seconds!"
"Our mother's land is mine. In your mule-stink face, 'Tia!"
"What? No! Wait, I-I was still bleeding when she stabbed you! Yes, that's it! I win, not you!"
"Liar!" Luna jumped at Celestia and they started punching and slapping each other.
"Stop!" Celestia shouted. "This is getting us nowhere."
"Agreed." Luna said, crossing her hooves. "So, what now?"
* * *
The nine mercenaries were reunited in a dark room. Screwball dropped a television in front of them.
"And what's the point in showing us that?" Rarity asked, levitating a cigarette from her case. Screwball grabbed it with her teeth before Rarity could light it up and threw it away.
"It's a message from your supplier. Watch it, it's important!"
She then turned it on. The first image was the one of a blue minotaur wearing a black tie punching a manticore's face.
"That's so him!" Twilight said, adjusting her glasses and rolling her eyes.
"Listen up, mercs!" the minotaur said. "Your employers are dead and now a Changeling is our current leader, which means you are fired."
"What?!" they all shouted at the same time.
"Also, the Changelings are coming to Equestria. They are going to replace the likes of you, because obviously ponies would love to hire a Changeling that can take many forms and do multiple jobs instead of ponies who can do a single job. But fear not, for I, Iron Will, am hiring you. Your new job is simple: kill the Changelings. Don't let Equestria be turned into another Wasteland full of job-stealing Changeling. I'd like to help, but i'm currently busy fighting this manticore."
The next scenes were just of Iron Will punching and kicking the manticore. Screwball stepped in front of the television.
"So, are there any questions?" she asked.
Fluttershy raised her hoof. "I-I got one. Are we getting paid for this? If you don't mind this kind of question, of course!"
"Oh, and before Iron Will forgets..." the minotaur in the television said. "This is pre-taped, so I don't know what anybody is talking about right now, but I am not paying any of you for this." The manticore roared and Iron Will laughed before it tackled him.
"For reasons I can't comprehend or explain, the Changelings walk around carrying bags full of bits." Screwball said. "Kill them and whatever falls from them is yours. Any more questions? No? Good! Get to Ponn Co. immediately. And remember, this isn't like any other assignment you've been given. It's much, much more serious. This isn't just a fight for the right to rule Equestria, Ponn Co., or Iron Will. It's a fight for your jobs!"
Author's Notes:
I really liked the new TF2 Halloween map. While I was playing it, I suddenly thought "Hey, why not make a MLP fanfiction out of it? Might be fun!"
I doubt I'm the first one to come up with that idea, but hey, a man can dream, right?
Part 2: Welcome to Tartarus Tower
"Another day, another wave." Derpy said as she placed the robot head on the shelf of her living room. She then heard a knocking on her door. "Oh, good! Visits!" she hurried to the entrance door of her castle and opened it. Standing there were her employer and her employer's sister. But they weren't made of flesh and bones.
"Oh, more ghosts. Trixie does not live here anymore. This is a Muffin Sanctuary!"
"Oh, no. We're not looking for an unicorn." said her former employer. "We understand you're a lawyer?"
Derpy looked at the wall, where a framed newspaper page with her picture on it above the words "I am the best lawyer!" (and below the words Local Mare Wins Muffin Eating Contest) was hanging. She looked back at the ghosts and nodded. Celestia and Luna gave her a scroll with Queen Faust's testament.
"Is this will made of pony skin?" Derpy asked.
"Yes." Luna said.
"Our mother's." Celestia added. "I'll be forthright, miss Derpy--"
"Ditzy." she interrupted.
"Sorry, what?"
"My name is Ditzy."
"Yes, right. Miss Ditzy--"
"No, no. You did it again. My name is Derpy!"
"But I--" Celestia sighed. "Miss Derpy--"
"Ditzy!"
"WHATEVER! Miss barrister! We've spent our entire lives in a race against time that now appears to be a photo finish."
"Oh, you mean 'ZE MAGICKS!'?"
Celestia groaned. She was losing her temper. "We require somepony to adjudicate a victor."
"Hm. Well, for starters, neither one of you is dead. I mean, I'm not a priest - well, I am a priest, but not here in Equestria - but ghosts are between worlds, right? So I guess one of you would 'win' if the other one fully crossed over into the next world. Now, if we were in the Griffon Kingdom, I could just perform an exorcism..."
The Ponn sisters looked at each other and slowly started to retreat.
"Weeeell..." Celestia said. "I guess it's a permanent stalemate."
"Yes, sister. It seems this is a contest that will remain forever unwon."
"Why are both of you talking weird and walking backwards?"
* * *
Moon. Luna's house. Luna's ghost was sitting on her bed and levitating a quill and parchment.
"Nightwatch," she wrote. "It is I, your former employer Princess Luna Ponn. I know I'm dead, but I'm sending you this letter from the post-life. Read this letter carefully. In the Canterlot Garders Maze..."
Sun. Celestia's house. Celestia's ghost was sitting on the building's ceiling, levitating a quill and perchment. She was writing a letter too.
"...it is imperative that you retrieve my sister's corpse - and not mine, that's crucial - and take it to..."
"...I know about the skeletons, possessed books, bottomless pits and everything else. This is why I want you to re-hire the mercenaries and..."
"...they've been through worse. I don't care what is happening or what they're doing, but..."
Both sisters wrote at the same time:
"I am sending my dear sister to Tartarus!"
* * *
It was a dark room, whose only sources of light were the various monitors. Sitting at a chair, looking at them, was a Draconequus, watching eight ponies and a baby dragon fight waves upon waves of Changelings.
"Greed is good." Discord said in the microphone once the last Changeling was defeated. "Have a bonus."
He then pressed a button, which sent extra bits to their bank accounts. The door of the room opened and an earth pony mare walked in.
"Master Discord?" she called.
"Yes, miss Screwball?"
"I just got letters from Nightwatch and Sunbeam."
"And?"
"According to the letters, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna wrote them letters from the grave. They hired our mercenaries for one last mission."
"Even after their deaths, those old hags won't give me a break... What do they want the mercs to do?"
"They want to send each other to Tartarus."
"Oh, that's something I would love to see. I'm even giving the mercs the good news personally!"
Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting him and Screwball to Ponyville.
"Discord?" Twilight said. "What are you doing here?"
"Yeah, you're supposed to be announcing the incoming waves of Changelings!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Hold your horses, little ponies!" he said. "I have a message for you."
"An' that would be...?" Applejack asked.
"Remember your old employers? The Ponn sisters? Well, apparently they're not as dead as we thought they were."
"And what does that mean?" Rarity asked, lighting a cigarette.
"That means..." Discord snapped his fingers, transforming the cigarette into a twisted pencil. "You have a new job!"
"A-A new job?" asked. Fluttershy. "Bu-But what about the Changelings?"
"I'll keep them away for a while. Now go, send those oldies to where they're supposed to be!"
He snapped his fingers again, sending the nine mercenaries away.
"Are you really going to keep the Changelings away, Master Discord?" Screwball asked.
"As if!" the Draconeequs said before taking off while laughing.
"Should have guessed..." Screwball sighed and looked around. Dozens of Changelings were surrounding her. She pulled a Revolver from under her propeller hat. "It's up to me, then!"
* * *
Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Derpy, Fluttershy and Pyro spawned in a place they've never seen before and standing in front of them was Celestia's ghost.
"Pri-Princess..." Twilight said.
"It is I, your employer, Celestia Ponn, from beyond the grave." she angrily said. "I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for years now: Shoot each other. Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push that cart!"
"What's in the cart?" Derpy asked.
"My dear sister."
The ghost suddenly disappeared.
"You heard the Princess, everypony!" Pinkie said. "Push the cart!"
Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Big Macintosh spawned in a place they've never seen before and standing in front of them was Luna's ghost.
"Listen up, you thugs!" she angrily said. "This is Luna Ponn speaking. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you, from beyond the grave, to push my sister to Tartarus! Until I tell you to stop!" the ghost then suddenly disappeared.
"As long as nothing supernatural happens, this should be easy!" Rarity said.
* * *
Upon leaving the spawnrooms, the mercs saw three things:
The first was a pair of carts standing next to each other, each one with a corpse inside; the red cart had the body of Princess Luna in it and the blue cart had the body of Princess Celestia in it;
A big tower with a mansion on top of it standing in the middle of a pit, which seemed to be bottomless;
And three ghosts standing on top of the mansion. They recognized them as the ghosts of Luna and Celestia, but the taller ghost, standing in the middle of them, was unknown to all of the mercenaries. The ghost was obviously of an Alicorn, since it had wings and a horn, which started glowing. In front of the mercenaries appeared books without pages.
"Those are spellbooks. The pages are scattered all over the place." the unknown ghost said. "Use them wisely, my little ponies."
The RED and BLU warriors grabbed the books and looked at the carts; their rails led to the said bottomless pit.
"Move the mummy." Rainbow Dash said, then flew toward the cart. She was followed by Applejack and Big Mac.
"Push the dead mare!" Twilight shouted, flying toward the cart, followed by Derpy and Spike.
Rarity cloaked herself and Fluttershy aimed her Sniper Rifle. She felt something under her hoof.
"Hm? What's that?"
She picked up the paper she was stepping on. She was so busy studying the paper that she didn't heard Rarity uncloaking behind her.
"There's something written here." she said. "Um... Barpo... Kabalto?"
Fluttershy suddenly turned red, making her yelp in surprise. She then felt something poking her back. She turned around and saw Rarity standing behind her, holding her Knife, looking surprised.
"How... How in Equestria did you Übercharged, darling?"
"SPY!" she shouted, before swinging her Bushwacka in fear, hitting Rarity and killing her.
"I... I guess that's a spell!" she said, placing the paper in the book.
"Deus invictus!" Derpy shouted, holding her book. An energy ball surrounded by bats left her book and flew toward Applejack. "I cherish these moments we spend together." she whispered.
"Amplus tripudio!" the Demomare shouted. Her book sparkled and she was thrown meters in the air. "Ah treasure yer friendship." she whispered.
"Mortis animataris!" Rainbow Dash shouted. Suddenly three blue pony skeletons arose from the ground, surrounding Spike. "You shall not freakin' pass!"
The baby dragon giggled as the skeletons approached him. He then looked down at his book.
"MmphHmph HmphMmphHmphPhmph!" he mumbled. A cloud of black smoke surrounded him and he disappeared.
"What the hay?" she turned around and saw Spike standing behind her, holding his Phlogistinator.
Twilight was flying as fast as she could, fleeing from Big Macintosh.
"Come back here, tiny, coward Medic!" he shouted, chasing her.
Twilight grabbed her book and looked for the page she needed. When she found it, she smiled. "Barpo invisium!"
Big Macintosh stopped chasing Twilight; because there was no Twilight there. She had turned invisible and was hiding behind a rock.
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie happily pushed the red cart, while whistling. Rarity then uncloaked behind her.
"Surpri--" it was all Rarity could say before being shot by Pinkie's Sentry.
"Nope!" she said, then giggle.
When Rarity left the spawnroom, she found her first page.
"Finally!" she said, placing it on her Spellbook. "Let's see what it does." she cleaned her throat. "Paidum celeris!"
A blue energy surrounded her. Suddenly Rarity shrinked and her head grew.
"Merde!" she said, her voice very low pitched.
Big Macintosh gave up on his chase and was now pushing the cart, aided by Rainbow Dash. They were cathing up with Pinkie Pie.
"Imputum fulmenus." Pinkie Pie said, pointing her hoof at them and shooting some kind of Tesla Bolt at them.
Suddenly a laughter could be heard by all of them.
"Oh no, werewolves!" Luna shouted. "No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!"
"It's the Skeleton King!" Celestia said. "We've awoken the Skeleton King!"
Green skeletons appeared all over the map. For a moment the mercenaries stopped fighting each other so they could kill the skeletons. But they were being killed, one by one, without killing a single skeleton.
"This calls for extreme measure!" Twilight said, looking at her book. She pointed her horn at the sky and shouted: "TODAY, I AM A PRINCESS! INVOKUM MONOCULUS!"
Her horn shot a beam of magic, which transmuted into a red energy ball. They gasped when they noticed what the ball was: the "spirit" of an old enemy, Applejack's possessed eye, MONOCULUS!
"Hey, it's mah eye!" Applejack said, smiling and scratching her eyepatch. MONOCULUS! started shooting magic rockets, destroying the skeletons one by one. "Look at him go. Ah'm so proud!" when all of the skeletons were destroyed, MONOCULUS! faced Applejack. "Do ya recognize me, boy?"
MONOCULUS! shot a magic rocket at Applejack.
Pinkie Pie started pushing the cart once again, smiling and whistling.
"Seismela tremoro!" Big Macintosh shouted. They all looked up as a rain of fireballs fell on Pinkie Pie. Big Mac laughed. "Not so mighty now, tiny--"
Pinkie Pie's Sentry shot rockets at him.
"This mission is pure madness!" Rainbow Dash said while pushing the blue cart. "Earth Ponies and Pegasi using magic, skeletons, ghosts, pushing corpses to a pit..."
"I agree with you, Rainbow Dash." Fluttershy said while pushing the red cart. "I'm scared."
"I bet you are, Fluttershy. Because even I am a little scared."
"Really?"
"Equestria... It will be mine, Lulu!" Celestia said.
"You're not going to Equestria, sister!" Luna said.
"Oh? And where am I going, exactly?"
"Tartarus, 'Tia!"
"What?!"
"What do you think is going on here?"
"Um..."
Luna laughed maniacally. "Look at me now, mother!"
"You did great, daughter." the tallest Alicorn said.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes!"
"Chrysalis still won, though..."
"No! NOOO!"
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash reached the pit at the same time.
"What happens if we throw the carts at the same time?" the Sniper mare asked.
"One way to find out!"
The pegasi pushed the corpse-carrying carts as hard as they could, until both fell in the pit.
"Damn you, Luna!" Celestia shouted as her ghost started to vanish.
"I'm taking you to Tartarus with me!" Luna said as her ghost fully vanished.
A bright light coming from the pit covered the area, blinding the mercs.
* * *
When they opened their eyes, they noticed they were in a cave where everything they could see was lava, rocks and a giant skull.
"Is this... Tartarus?" Rarity asked.
"Yes!" Twilight said. "Apparently, destroying the bodies of such powerful beings caused a magical wave, which kiled us and, since the portal to Tartarus was opened, our spirits were dragged as well." she adjusted her glasses. "We're stranded here. Forever!"
"What in Equestria am I paying you for?!" Luna's voice, coming from behind them, shouted. They turned around and saw Celestia, Luna and the unknown Alicorn were standing there.
The white Alicorn with red mane and tail looked at Celestia and Luna, then turned around. "You disappointed me, kids." she said before vanishing.
"We're sorry, mother." both Alicorns said at the same time, looking down.
Suddenly, Discord appeared between them. He was holding an empty bag of popcorn. "Alright, the show is over. Back to work, you all!"
"In case you didn't noticed, Discord, we're stranded." Rainbow Dash said. "In TARTARUS!"
"Is that all?" he snapped his fingers again and all of them vanished. All of them, but Celestia and Luna, who just stared at where the nine mercs and the announcer were.
After a few moments of silence, Luna said:
"So about that pregnancy spell..."
* * *
They reappeared back in Ponyville. They first thing they heard was a gunshot. Fluttershy's hat flying away. The sniper mare yelped and cowered behind Twilight.
"You're late!" Screwball shouted. She was holding a revolver and standing on top of a pile of dead Changelings. "Back to work! NOW!"