My name is Cabbage Patch. I'm just a typical brown earth pony, with light green hair. My cutie mark is a head of cabbage with a square missing in the center. The past day has been... different, to say the least. It hasn't been all bad, I did make a group of new friends. That being said... if yesterday never happened... I would sleep better at night.

It was early in the morning when I made it into Ponyville on my way to Sweet Apple Acres. I'm from Appleloosa where my friend, Braeburn, had told me about a potential client, his cousin Big Mac. As I pull my cart of cabbages through the empty streets of Ponyville, I hear light sobs coming from a nearby alley. My curiosity piqued, I walk into the alley, where I find a pegasus mare crying. She's light grey, with a bright yellow mane and tail, and has a cutie mark of some bubbles.

"Uh... can I help you?" I ask as I approach her.

"*sniffle* I-I... I'm lost..." she says with a sob as she wipes her tears away.

"I'm sorry... well, I have a map if you'd like to see it," I say cautiously. She gives me a tearful smile as she nods.

"Thank you so much mister!" she says as she springs up and hugs me tightly. I pat her back a few times before we hobble over to my cart. She won’t let go of me for some reason - I guess she's had a rough day. I reach into my cart and am about to give her the map when I see her eyes. They’re off-set, looking off in different directions. I hesitate for a second before I open up the map.

"You know; why don't I just take you there?" I say as I look over the map.

"You'd really do that? Thanks mister," she says cheerfully as she lets go of me and peers at the map. "That's where I need to go," she says as she points to a building on the map.

"... Fon... DO. Why would you need to go to a place called ‘Fon DO’?"

"It's where my friend Cheesus is!" she says in a bubbly way as she starts to walk off. "Well? You coming or not… uh…?"

"Cabbage Patch."

"Right, I'm Derpy Whooves!" she says as she continues to walk off. I run after her and lead the way to our destination, following the map to... whatever ‘Fon DO' is.

"So, Derpy, if you don't mind me asking, why were you crying back there?"

"Oh, well mister, my daughter Dinky Doo has gone missing,” she says as she lowers her head.

"Wait, you have a daughter and you still call me mister?"

"I just don't know what went wrong," she says as she starts to tear up again.

"Don't worry, we'll find her, I'm sure she's just at the park or something," I assure her, getting a weak smile in response. We walk down a few paths until we enter what I assume is the red light district, due to all of the... promiscuous stores.

"There it is!" she cheers as she runs towards a building that makes my jaw drop. It's a simple two story building, but at the top are three large signs that are lit up. The first one being the word ‘Fon’. The third being ‘DO’. And sitting in the middle of them is a fondue pot, with an outline of a mare dancing on the shaft skewer. I gape at the building for a second before Derpy starts pulling me towards it. "Come on silly, we've got to find Cheesus!"

"Derpy, I don't think..."

Knock knock knock

She knocks on the door and steps back as the door opens almost immediately, revealing a pale white earth pony with long black hair and a cutie mark of a wedge of cheese. He takes a look at us, but hears something inside and looks back to respond.

"And you tell that ho I don't give a damn what she likes and dislikes, if they pay for a doggie bag, they get one! Hey there Derpy, what brings you he—"

"CHEESUS!" she yells as she latches onto him, hugging him tightly. "I need your help; they took Ditzy..."

"THEY WHAT!?" Cheesus says as he breaks the hug and looks at her. "Alright hun, get inside, we'll work this out," he says as he ushers her inside. He looks back to me and motions for me to come in as well.

"I was just..."

"Hey Derpy!" he yells inside. "This guy say he gonna help?"

"Yeah!"

"Alright cabbage merchant, you're in. Now come on."

"How did you know I was a cabbage merchant?"

"The cart..."

"Oh... right." I remove myself from my cart and head inside. The inside is pretty much what I expected. To the right is a stretch of bar stools and a well-stocked bar. The area to the left has three platforms, each with poles and lounge chairs around them. In the back left corner is a DJ's booth, while the right has a stairway with a sign that says 'Cloud Nine & Manager’s Office'. The room is fairly empty, only having the bartender and a group of mares talking at the center stage. I follow Derpy and Cheesus up the stairs and down the hall, to a door with a sign that says ‘Manager’s Office’. The room is... not quite what I was expecting. There's a desk towards the back with typical desk stuff, like papers and pencils and a couple of seats around it, but the rest of the room is... more fitting with the rest of the establishment. In the corner to my right is a large circular bed with zebra print blankets; in front of that is a small platform with a pole in the center of it. The wall to the right is covered with a large picture of two ponies having sex, with the mare on top and the stallion on his back. The wall behind the desk is covered in pegs, holding up an assortment of sex toys and... a few things that I have no clue what they do. Cheesus walks to the seat behind the desk and sits down, putting a hoof to his forehead as he looks at some papers. As I take a seat next to Derpy, I look a little harder to see that he's actually a unicorn, his horn is just broken off.

"Hey Cheesus, I got yo—DERPY!" yells somepony from behind. I look back to see a mare run in and hug Derpy from behind the seat. She's a pale white earth pony, with long brown hair and a mark of a pony on a stripper pole. I can't help but look at her cute flank - she's got one of the supplest behinds I've ever seen before in my life. She holds Derpy for a second longer before she lets go and trot to the side of the desk, where she pulls out a coin purse and tosses it onto the table. "800 bits, Cheesus..."

"That's it?" he says as he pulls the bag over and looks through it. "Damn Squishy, I thought you'd make way more than just twelve eighty... whatever, this is still good. They must not love cock as much as I thought they would..."

"WHAT!?" I yell as I nearly fall out of my seat. That's a stallion!? No. NO. That can't be a guy... it can't. They both look at me in confusion before looking over to Derpy.

"Who's your friend, Derps?" Squishy asks.

"This is Cabbage Patch, he said he'd help find Dinky."

"WHAT!? WHAT HAPPENED TO DINKY?"

"Calm down Squishy," Cheesus says, getting him to calm down a bit.

"Alright," he says as he walks to Derpy and gives her a hug. "OK sweetheart, tell us what happened."

"Well... the other night I was putting Dinky to bed, when there was a knock at the door. I went and answered the door, but nopony was there. I heard Dinky scream and ran back to her room to see somepony fly out of the window with her. I tried to chase after them, I really did, but another pony hit me... and I fell..."

SNAP

Squishy had been holding onto the arm of her chair, but after hearing Derpy got hurt, he snapped it off.

"You're paying for that," Cheesus says to him. "What else happened?"

"Well, when I woke up I tried to look for her, but... I couldn't find her. Cabbage Patch found me crying in an alley and brought me here," she says as she starts to tear up again. Squishy pulls her in for another hug as he starts to rub her back. Squishy then walks over to me and gives me a hug. "Thanks for bringing her here, but if you ever make Derpy cry I will tear out your heart and choke you with it... just sayin'," he whispers in my ear before he walks back to Derpy's side and takes a seat.

"Do you remember anything else, like something they wore or the way the spoke?" Cheesus asks.

"*sniff* Yeah... the pony who took Dinky wore a bandanna around his muzzle... it was black with gold triangles on it..."

"Buck!" he yells, getting a dirty look from Squishy as he holds Derpy a little tighter. "I mean... darn. I know who did this. Those foals over in Golden Gate! This is gonna be another turf war, that's for sure," he says as he walks over to the wall with the picture and taps it a few times, making it flip upward and reveal an assortment of weapons. He grabs a couple of swords and slings one on his back. He offers the other one to me, but I shake my head.

"I don't know how to use that!"

"It’s simple," he says as he shoves it in my hooves, "you just stab the pointy end into the bad pony. Squishy?"

"You know I don't need that," he says as he stands up and walks out the door. I reluctantly sling the sword across my back - do they really expect me to fight? I know I said I'd help but... this is a little extreme. I follow them out of the building, where I re-attach myself to my cart’s harness.

"Maybe we should hide the swords in my cart... you know... so the city guards don't try to stop us," I say as I look around nervously. I turn and - just my luck - I see a couple of guards walking toward us, and I start to panic. "Guards, guards are coming, hurry! Hide your sword!" I say in a hushed tone, as I try to hide my sword under my cabbages.

"What are you doing?" Cheesus asks as the three of them watch me in confusion. The guards walk up to us and look between me and Cheesus, before they turn around and start walking away. "Let’s just say the guards know not to mess with The Cheese," Cheesus says as the group leaves. I climb off my cart and re-sling my sword before I follow after them, feeling slightly silly.

"Uhm… so, where are we going?"

"I know a guy that can tell us where they're at," Cheesus says as he leads us out of the red light district. We walk around Ponyville for almost an hour until we finally find our target, an all-brown earth pony with his mane and tail wrapped in tinfoil and a cutie mark of a box, digging in a trash can. "Hey there Boxy, how are ya?"

"WHAT!? Who are you!? I've never saw nothin’!" he yells as he points a hoof at Cheesus.

"Cool, cool, anything else?"

"It'll all explode! In a fiery fire of FIRE! Mr. McBumpkin told me so!"

"Alright, what else did he tell you?" Are we seriously talking to this guy? He's nuts!

"Friends are enemies! Betrayal from before leads to the now! BEWARE OF THE ICE... AND PANCAKES! What’s that... oh, really? Well, of course blood isn't blue... no, no that wouldn't stop him... WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THE ZOMBIES! What? Why would I care? I'm not an explosives expert... no, crossovers are good... FINE!" he says before he starts to run off. He suddenly stops and runs back to us, heading straight for me. I try to back away but he’s too quick. He grabs me with both his hooves and starts to shake me as he yells, "AND ONE MORE THING, ALL HAIL THE KING!"

"Fine, hail the king, please, just let me go!" I plead as he shakes me back and forth. He lets go of me and takes a few steps back. He rears up and strikes a pose as he suddenly takes off through the air, singing as he goes.

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY... I BELIEVE I CAN - AAAAHHH!" he yells as he drops a bit, but somehow recovers and continues to fly away. "...TOUCH THE SKY, I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND..." I drop to my haunches and watch in total disbelief as he flies away. He's an earth pony... and he's flying... what the buck is going on!?

"Alright, I know where to go now," Cheesus says as he starts to walk away.

"He... he... he just flew away..."

"I know, I can't believe he almost dropped him though," Squishy says as he follows after Cheesus. I shake my head and follow after them... why is this so unimpressive to them, he bucking flew away! And they're acting like this isn't the first time... oh dear Celestia...

"So, what do you do for a living, Cabbage?" Derpy asks as we walk through Ponyville.

"I... grow and sell cabbages," I say as I motion to the cart.

"Oh, right... so, what are you doing here in Ponyville?"

"I'm supposed to meet with Big Macintosh to work out a deal selling my cabbages here... what do you do here?"

"I'm a player inna management position," Cheesus says proudly.

"I'm an entertainer!" Squishy says.

"And I… uh... I work... oh yeah, I'm a weather pony!" Derpy says. Right... so we have the pimp, the hooker, a weather pony, and a farmer going up against a gang of who knows how many ponies, what could go wrong? We head to the edge of the residential district where we find a large apartment complex. It’s three stories tall and is built like a giant H. In the yard before us we see a bunch of stallions gathered around each other, laughing and mumbling to one another. I can see that a few of them carry weapons, and they all have bandannas tied somewhere on their body.

"Squishy," Cheesus says, getting the other stallion to cover Derpy's ears as he guides her behind my cart. "Alright, which one of you bucking Golden Gate assholes wants a piece of the Big Cheese!?" he yells as he rears up and pulls out his sword. The group looks to us and laughs as a single unicorn walks up to him and pulls out his own sword.

"You wanna dance, pretty colt, let’s dance!" he says as he lunges forward and tries to stab him. Cheesus steps to the side and hacks at his neck, burying his sword in it and dropping him to the ground. The group stops laughing as they watch Cheesus yank his sword out and face them.

"A little filly was taken from her home by one of you pricks, who did it?" He asks as he walks towards them.

"Hey, you might want to pull your sword out," Squishy says as he walks out from behind my cart. He stops before me and twists his neck, making it crack, then his forelegs, then his back legs, then he stands perfectly still and makes another crack, but doesn't seem to move any of his body parts... what did he just crack…? I don't want to know. After he cracks everything, he walks up next to Cheesus and rears up, holding his hooves up. As the group of ponies surround them I back up against my cart and hold my sword out in front of me, scared out of my mind for what is about to happen. The crowd rushes the two of them all at once, while one of them runs at me. As he tries to swing his sword at me, I drop to the ground and cover my head with my hooves. I look back to see his sword buried in my cart, splitting one of my cabbages in half.

"My… my… MY CABBAGE!" I yell as rage starts to fill me. I jump straight up and punch him right in the jaw. He staggers back but remains standing as I advance on him. "YOU WILL PAY FOR RUINING MY CABBAGE!" Before he can raise his sword I begin to deliver blows to him, punching him in the face and gut. Each blow I deliver knocks him back more and more until I finally deliver an uppercut, knocking him on his back. I pant a little before I calm down enough to realize that I just beat somepony up. "Hey! I got one," I say proudly as I look up.

"Yeah, me too," Cheesus says from the top of a mound of dead ponies, with Squishy standing beside him. My jaw drops as I look at the pile of corpses, some having large gashes, others having bones poking out of their bodies. The sight makes my stomach turn as I gag from almost throwing up. "Pfft, don't tell me you've never seen a dead body before," he says as he starts to walk down the mound.

"Whatevah, not everypony has it in them to harm others," Squishy says as he walks over to the pony I knocked out. He looks him over a bit before kicking his head lightly, waking him up. "Hey there honey, you an’ me gonna have a talk," he says before he picks him up, tosses him on his back and heads towards the building.

"What are you doing? Where are you taking me? WHY IS THAT OUT!?" he yells before they disappear behind the door to the building.

"What is he doing over there?" I ask Cheesus as he sits against my cart.

"Do you really want to know?" I think about it and shiver as I shake my head. “Then why don't you check on Derpy then?" I nod and walk around to find Derpy sitting there, looking really sad with her ears held low.

"Everything alright?" I ask as I sit next to her.

"I'm just really worried about my daughter. What if something happens to her?"

"Hey, hey, don't worry. I'm sure nothing happened to her. We'll get her back and she'll be fine, you'll see," I say, getting her to cheer up a little. I hear Squishy come back so I walk around the cart to see what's going on. He brought the guy back out, only he's covered in... brick shaped bruises... what the…?

"Well, he told me they took her, but traded her off to some other ponies. They never met them directly," he says as he tosses the unconscious body on the ground.

"Darn... well, what now?" Cheesus asks.

"Well... we could go to the sisters?"

"Buck no. They never pay for shit!"

"Yeah, but they're connected."

"*sigh* Yeah... they are. Fine, lets head to the pharmacy," he says as he starts to walk off.

"Wait, what about them?" I ask as I point back to the mound of bodies. Cheesus thinks about it for a second before he runs out to the street and looks around a bit.

"Hey guards!" he yells out as two guards pass by. "Want a free night with Sugar?"

"Buck yeah!" they yell as they run over to him, standing at full attention.

"Alright, just clean up this mess and you get her." They immediately run over and start dragging bodies off, talking excitedly to each other. "There, now can we go?" he asks me as he walks off. I shake my head and follow after him. We walk through Ponyville until we come to the pharmaceutical department. I leave my cart behind and follow them inside, where we find two mares. The first one is a middle-aged unicorn, with a pink mane that's up in a bun, a brown coat, and an obscene amount of jewelry. The other one is a light pink pegasus with styled light blue hair and a grotesque amount of makeup on.

"MMhhmm, Cheesus an’ Squishy, I had a feelin’ taday was gonna be a good day," the unicorn says as she pokes at her friend. "What you two need this time?"

"We need to know about a trade-off that happened earlier, involving Dinky Doo," Cheesus says flatly.

"You know our fee," says the pegasus as the two mares start to giggle to each other.

"You're up, Squishy," Cheesus says as he takes a seat. Squishy gives a sigh and walks to the back door, leading the two giggling mares towards the back.

"OOHHOOhoho, I thought we missed out when that Storm stallion left," the unicorn says as the door shuts behind them.

"What are they so happy about?" Derpy asks as she takes a seat next to Cheesus.

"Uh… because... they're going to... play a game. But it's a three player game that only Squishy can do properly," Cheesus says as he glances to me. They're trying to keep sex away from her.... when she has a daughter. I take a seat next to Derpy and wait patiently with them. After an hour of awkward silence, Squishy finally opens the door. He steps out and shivers before turning to us.

"Did you win?" Derpy asks cheerfully.

"Uh... you could say I came last..."

"Aw, oh well, maybe..."

"Did they tell you who took her?" Cheesus interrupts.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"Who do you think it was?"

"Bu—Darn it!" he says as he punches the wall.

"What is it?" I ask in confusion.

"I just paid for something I should’ve known from the beginning! Come on... we're going to Canterlot."

"What!? I can't go to Canterlot! I have to get to Sweet Apple Acres!" I complain as I follow them out of the building.

"But you said you'd help find Dinky," Derpy says as she looks at me with the saddest expression any mare could ever put on. I try to think logically, but every time I look back to her my heart tells me to stay.

"Well... I guess that could wait..." I say, getting her to smile.

"Alright, we'll take my carriage then," Cheesus says as he leads us back to the red light district. We make our way to the back of ‘Fon DO’ where we find a carriage and two mares. The two of them are wearing red and yellow stockings, and yellow miniskirts that don't cover anything. The carriage has a silhouette of a pony sticking their flank in the air, underneath the words 'Party Carriage'.

"Ladies," Cheesus says as he approaches the two of them, "we've got a personal matter to settle. Somepony pony-napped Dinky Doo." This makes both of them gasp and run to Derpy, hugging her and telling her that they'll help in any way possible. Derpy smiles and thanks the both of them, trying to hold back her tears. "We need to get to Canterlot, ASAP. Tie Cabbage’s cart to the back and let’s get going." They nod and run over to me, removing my cart quickly and taking it behind the carriage. Cheesus takes the seat on top as the rest of us pile into the inside. The seats in here are unusually well cushioned... not to mention the ceiling seems to be set higher. I look out the back window and watch as the two mares tie off my cabbages. Hopefully it'll be a smooth enough ride, where I won't have to worry about my cabbages falling off. They run back to the front and quickly put on the harnesses before taking off. The entire cart lurches forward as they start to run off at a high speed. I look back in terror to see my cabbage cart bounce around, my cabbages staying inside but flirting with the idea of falling out.

"Wow... I've never seen the girls run this fast before," Squishy says as he looks back at my cabbages. "Why do you worry so much? Relax..."

"Relax? That's my livelihood back there. If I'm going to support my family I need to sell all of those cabbages!"

"Whatevah," he says as he sits back. We make the trip to Canterlot in record time. When we arrive at our destination the two girls collapse from exhaustion, panting loudly. As we pile out I take a look at our location. It's a giant single story mansion made of marble. The grounds are surrounded by a huge wall, with a large gate in the front. The area out front is very well kept, making the entire place look ritzy.

"Why did you take me to my father’s home?" Derpy asks with a slight tremble.

"Y-your father’s!?" I ask in shock.

"Derpy... your dad was the one who took Dinky... I think it was a trap to get you back," Cheesus says to her, making her tear up.

"No… no, I can't go in there! I can't go back! Please don't make me!" Derpy says, as tears start to roll down her face. Squishy walks up to her and hugs her, getting her to cry into his neck.

"Shhh, shhh. It's going to be alright. I won't let that monster take you," he says quietly to her as he strokes her mane. "I know you're scared, but you have to go in there. You have to be there when we get Dinky back. Think you can be strong for her?" She looks up to him and nods slowly as she wipes her tears away. "Alright, just stay close to me and we'll get her back in no time."

"Cabbage, I have an idea," Cheesus says as he looks at my cart. I don't like where this is going.

Knock knock knock

I'm waiting at the gate with just my cart, waiting for somepony to answer the knock. I'm trying to keep cool, but I can't help but shake a bit from my nerves getting the best of me.

"Can I help you?" asks a guard pony.

"Y-yeah, I'm here t-to deliver the c-cabbages," I say as I point to my cart. He looks to my cart and raises an eyebrow.

"Why would Mr. Bits order so many cabbages?"

"I-I don't know, I'm just filling my order," I say as I give him a wide smile. There is no way this is going to work, we're going to get caught, they're going to destroy my cabbages...

"Well, alright, just bring them around back to the kitchens and drop the cart off," he says as he opens the gate.

"Really? I mean alright, just around back then," I say as I walk in. I can't believe that worked. Must have been my awesome acting. I pull the cart around the large building and head towards what I'm assuming is the kitchen. The backyard is massive! There's a swimming pool, tennis court, hedge maze and a landing platform that has a blimp on it! I keep walking till I hear high-pitched laughing. I look over to see a little unicorn filly running after a ball. She has a pale purple coat with yellow eyes and a blonde mane. She’s fairly young, not even old enough to have her cutie mark.

"Hey... that wouldn't happen to be her?" I ask my cart, making three heads pop out.

"DINKY!" Derpy yells as she jumps out of my cart and runs after her, only to stop when two guards get in the way.

"INTRUDERS!" they yell, getting more guards to start running over. Derpy ignores them and tries to get around them to her daughter, only for them to push her back. As Derpy falls to her haunches, Squishy suddenly appears and drop kicks the two guards, knocking them over and letting Dinky run past them.

"MAMMA!" she yells as she jumps into her hooves, hugging her tightly. I jump back as a group of guards start to try to apprehend me and my cabbages.

"Get them! Mr. Bits wants them alive!" yells a guard as they pile onto Squishy. I start to run away, but they grab hold of my cart and stop me in my tracks. I try to fight my way away from them, but they eventually put me in cuffs and toss me aside along with Cheesus and Squishy - who has four sets of cuffs on. I look over to see Derpy holding onto Ditzy tightly as the guards’ surround all of us.

"YOU LEAVE HER ALONE IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!" Squishy yells as he starts to gnaw at his cuffs.

"Now, why would I do that? She is my daughter." I look over to see a black pegasus stallion with bright yellow hair and a cutie mark of two golden bits walking towards us.

"Dirty Bits," Cheesus growls.

"Ah Cheesus, it’s so good to see my competitor, especially when he's in chains. Thank you ever so kindly for bringing my daughter back. I'm sure she'll work out wonderfully here..."

"YOU’RE A MONSTER!" Squishy yells as he tries to pull the cuffs off.

"Now now Squishy, no need to fret. My offer still stands for you..."

"I'd rather die than work for you, you sadistic piece of filth!"

"That, can be arranged," he says as he motions to the guards, who start to advance on us.

"Wait!" Derpy yells as she runs in front of Dirty Bits. "If you spare them, I'll go with you, no fighting, no complaints, nothing. Just spare them, please!" He thinks about it for a second before he motions towards the gate. The guards drag us to the gate and toss us outside into a pile.

"Here's the deal, you two stay away from Golden Gate, and I won't slit Derpy’s and Dinky's throats, how's that sound?" Before any of us could answer, a pegasus guard drops my cart of cabbages on us, knocking me out.

When I wake up i find myself in a bed with blue sheets, the warm smell of baked goods filling my nostrils. I sit up and look around to see that I'm in a Ponyville house. How did I get here? What happened to Cheesus and Squishy... WHAT HAPPENED TO DERPY!? I jump out of bed and start to run out to the hall, looking around frantically. I see an open door to the right and am about to run in, but stop when I see Squishy talking to a pink pony. She has swirly pink hair with a cutie mark of three balloons, two blue and one yellow.

"Thanks again for saving us, Pinkie," Squishy says to her.

"You better have a plan to get Derpy back," Pinkie says cruelly to him, looking away.

"Still mad?"

"YES! You disappeared on me, again!" she says as she points a hoof at him.

"You know I don't have control of that," he says as he slowly approaches her.

"I'm still mad at you for the other thing," she mumbles as he starts to nuzzle her a bit.

"I know... but you know I'll never love anypony else the way I love you, right?" he says quietly, getting her to look up at him. They stare into each other’s eyes, and Pinkie suddenly throws her hooves around his neck as she starts to kiss him passionately. He scoops her up in his hooves and takes her over to the bed, kissing her along the way. He lays her on the bed and lies on top of her, as they slide their tongues in and out of each other’s mouths. He breaks the kiss and looks into her eyes for a second.

"Go ahead," she says quietly, getting a nod from him as he lifts himself up, revealing his enormous member. He slides it into her slowly, getting soft moans from her as he pushes as far as she'll let him go. He holds it there for a second before he starts to pull back out, only to push in again. As he continues his motions Pinkie grabs the bedsheets and starts to moan louder, egging him on to move faster. As he picks up his pace, the headboard of the bed starts to slam against the wall behind. I try to walk away, but for some reason I can't stop watching.

"What are you doing?" I jump aside as I look over to see Cheesus standing next to me.

"Cheesus! I… uh... well..." He looks inside the room and shuts the door.

"Yeah... those two. It's a love-hate thing. One minute they're bucking like mad, the next she won't even look at him. I don't get it," he says as he turns around and heads for the stairs. I follow after him, hanging my head in shame for watching what I just watched. We head to the eating area and take our seats, keeping silent for an unknown amount of time.

"So... what now?" I ask as I lay my head on the table.

"Well, he's probably taking her somewhere we can't go... Las Pegasus, Cloudsdale, Airdale, you name it."

"Is there anything we can do?" I ask.

"Not unless you can get us in the air within the next ten minutes and guide us to an unknown location." We fall silent again, the only sound in the room being the few customers in the bakery and a banging upstairs.

"Can I get you two something?" asks a blue mare with pink hair and an apron on.

"You have any cheesecake?" Cheesus asks.

"Let me check on that, dearie," she says as she walks to the back. She comes back holding a plate with a small slice of cheesecake. "You want this on your tab?"

"Yes, thank you," he says before he takes a bite, savoring every second of the cake.

"Do you know what happened to my cart?"

"Hmm? Oh, it's outside." I pick myself up and head out front where I find my still intact cart. I walk around it and look it over in astonishment. No scratches, no missing heads of cabbage, they're not even bruised! I go to strap myself in when a thought comes to mind. I could take off, leave everything as is, or I could stay and help get Derpy back. I know there's not much we can do... but there has to be something we can do. She did save my life after all. I drop the harness and march back through the door with a new found confidence.

"Cheesus! Get off your flank, we're saving Derpy!" I say as I march up to his table.

"First off, don't ever give me an order, secondly, we can't. There's no physical way we could get to her."

"There has to be something we can do! She saved our lives, the least we could do is... I don't know. Rent a balloon or something."

"Next, I don't know anypony who owns a balloon, or blimp for that matter. Then there's the fact that we don't know where they're going..."

"AGAIN!" Pinkie yells from above, getting everypony's attention.

"Oh no, not this again," Cheesus says as he facehoofs.

"What happened?"

"Somepony blew the party blower thingy," he says from behind his hoof.

"What?"

"Don't worry about it, even I don't understand it." I look between him and the stairs before I muster up the courage to go upstairs and investigate. I walk up to the door where I hear some arguing inside. I take a deep breath before I slowly open the door. I find Squishy laying on the ground with his flaccid member slowly shrinking back inside, and Pinkie lying on her side on the bed, glaring at him. The wall behind Pinkie’s bed has a large section of drywall missing and cracks spreading from there.

"AGAIN? REALLY?! Why am I even surprised?" she says as she continues to glare at him.

"I... don't... control… it," he says between pants.

"Just... just go," she says as she rolls over and pulls her sheets over herself.

"Uh... not to interrupt, but we need to get going anyway... we need to find a blimp or balloon..."

"Why don't you just take Twilight's?" Pinkie says from her sheets. "I'm sure if you ask nicely she'd let you borrow it."

"That's... a really good idea, thanks Pinkie," Squishy says as he starts to get up. He walks up to her and gives her a kiss on the head, then whispers something into her ear, getting her to sigh contently. I wait for him to walk out and follow him downstairs. "By the way Cabbage, you owe me two hundred bits for watching."

"WHAT!? But... but that was an accident!"

"Mmmm... well, for helping get Derpy back, I'll let it slide, this time," he says as we approach Cheesus. "We have a balloon... kind of. Turns out Twilight has one, and might be willing to let us use it."

"Really? Alright, let’s give it a try," he says as he leads us out of the building. I grab my cart and follow them through Ponyville until we make it to a library. As we approach it, we see a purple mare and a grey stallion leave the building together.

"Looks like she's on a date," Squishy says as we watch them walk away together.

"Well, what now?" I say, as Cheesus walks towards the library.

"They're busy, let’s just take it and be sure to bring it back in one piece." We follow him to the back where we find the uninflated balloon. "Well... here goes nothing," he says as he closes his eyes and focuses. An aura begins to appear where his missing horn would have been and starts to fill up the balloon.

"Alright! Now what about my cart?"

"Just leave it," Squishy says as he starts to untie the anchors.

"Leave it!? That would be like you leaving behind your penis!" I say, getting a serious look from Squishy.

"Well, it won't fit in the basket... I've got an idea," he says as he grows an evil smile.

"I HATE YOU ALL!" I yell as I hold on for dear life. They bucking tied some long ropes to my cart and made me ride in it! Luckily we were able to cut off Dirty Bits on his way to Cloudsdale, but we only get one chance to get on board his blimp, and they volunteered me for it. We're flying high into the air on a collision course with the blimp.

"You ready?!" Squishy yells to me.

"NO!"

"Great! Here we go!" he says as we lift even higher. As the blimp starts to fly past us, Cheesus lets go of his magic and lets us drop onto the blimp. We bounce off the balloon part and start to fall down the side. I grab the spare rope and start to swing the anchor around as we fall. I see an open window and toss my anchor inside. I grab onto my cart and start praying as we continue to drop. We suddenly jerk as the anchor catches onto something, and we start to swing towards the blimp. My cart crashes through a window and slams into a line of guards, landing perfectly on the ground. I look around to see all of my cabbages are perfectly intact, none missing whatsoever.

"Hey, my cabbages made it!" I say proudly as I get off the cart.

"Great, want to help us then?" Cheesus says as he hangs from the window. I run over and pull them inside. "Good work with the guards’ kid," he says as he walks towards the large doors. "And talk about placement." He pushes the door open and we all run in, ready for anything.

"CHEESUS, SQUISHY, CABBAGE!" Derpy yells from down the room. She's standing next to Dirty Bits and four guards, each covered in metal armor and carrying massive one-sided battle axes.

"You three! I knew I should’ve killed you when I had the chance, take care of them!" he yells to the guards. They point their weapons at us as they start to charge.

"I've got this," I say as I walk forward with my cart, getting confused looks from the Cheesus and Squishy. I grab one of my cabbages and kiss it before I face the charging ponies. I wind up my leg and toss it straight at one of the guards, hitting him square in the face. He trips and falls over, tripping the pony next to him, who then trips the next pony, who staggers the next one and makes him fall out a window. "WHO WANTS A CABBAGE!?" I yell in triumph. Squishy and Cheesus stare at me in disbelief for a moment, before they shake their heads and run to the downed guards. They take their weapons and run after Dirty Bits. He tries to run away, but stops when Squishy nearly chops his head off.

"Wait! Wait! Don't kill me, please!" he begs Squishy. Cheesus grabs Dinky and guides Derpy out as Squishy looks down at Dirty.

"Hmm… I think I've let you live long enough," he says as he approaches Dirty.

"Please, I'll give you whatever you want. Money, power, how about this blimp?" he says as he tries to back away, only to stop when his back is against the wall and Squishy is in his face.

"Have fun in hell," he says, before he does a series of jabs at his neck and torso. As he slowly walks away, Dirty Bits starts to cough up blood as he falls to the ground. "Let’s get going," he says to me as we head towards the massive hole we created. Cheesus fills up the balloon again and we get back on. Again, I have to ride in my cart. The ride to Ponyville was just as nerve-wracking as before, though hearing Derpy and Dinky was comforting. We land the balloon back behind the library and pile out.

"Hey Squishy!" Dinky says to him as he lifts her out.

"Yeah kiddo?"

"You said the next time we meet you'd have a present for me!" she says excitedly.

"I did? Well I must’ve forgotten it..." he says as he sets her down, making her pout. "But wait! What's that behind your ear?" he says as he reaches behind her ear and pulls out a black doll. Dinky hugs Squishy and takes the toy, looking it over curiously.

"Umm... what is it?" she asks, as she removes its helmet to reveal a scarred white face.

"Pinkie Pie says it’s a Darth Vader action figure, and is a very prized collectible," Squishy explains as she looks it over.

"What do you say Dinky?" Derpy says as she walks up beside her and nuzzles her a bit.

"Thank you, Uncle Squishy."

"And thank you, Cheesus and Cabbage Patch, for bringing my little muffin back," she says as she walks up to me and gives me a hug.

"No problem... well, this is where I take off now," I say as I hook myself up to my cart.

"You'll come back and visit, won't you?" Derpy asks.

"Sure I'll come back, especially if Big Mac buys my cabbages."

"You know where to find us," Cheesus says as he walks up to me and pats my back. "Feel free to swing by Fon DO anytime, amigo."

Squishy walks up to me and gives me a really tight hug as he says, "Thanks for the help sugar. I really appreciate it."

"Well, wish me luck," I say as I wave goodbye and walk off with my cart. I walk through Ponyville until I see Big Mac walking casually through town. "Big Mac!" I yell to get his attention as I run up to him.

"Cabbage Patch? Weren't ya supposed ta come ta the farm earlier today?" he asks as I run up to him.

"Some friends needed some help and I got caught up in it. But here they are, one hundred cabbages for Sweet Apple Acres to buy and sell," I say as I present my cabbages. He walks up and takes a cabbage in his hoof, looking it over intensely.

"Hmm..."

"Well?"

"Well..."

"Well!?"

"These are some mighty fine cabbages ya got here," I sigh in relief as he sets the cabbage back down. "Let me take the cart and I'll pay fer them over at the farm." I nod and release myself from the cart. He walks over and straps himself in, and starts to walk off. "So, how was..." he starts to say, but stops when a blur drops from the sky and crashes onto the cart, sending Big Mac flying and destroying every single head of cabbage. I drop to my haunches and stare at the creature before me.

"What was that?" the creature asks the little dragon in his arm.

"I think it was Big Mac," the dragon says. “Look, there they are, perfectly safe..."

"For now. Let's shadow them, I don't want to take any chances tonight."

"I don't know Miles... that's kind of creepy to spy on their date."

"I agree, that's why we're not going to spy on them, just stay close enough to be able to act if something were to happen."

"What's the… WWHHOAA!" the dragon yells as the creature launches itself into the air.

"My… my… my… my… MY CABBAGES!"

Shoutout to MaMa Cheesus for picking the toy Dinky received. Thanks for the pic! Well, Arc one 'Friends' is over (man tear). Onward to Arc two ' The Cities'. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it so far and, like always, Brony on!