WHAM

BAM

SHLNK

THUNK

"AHH!" I yell as I grab my groin and roll to my side, sliding further down the slippery road. I hate this crap, I hate Altum, I hate soap, QUIT MOVING THE FUCKING SUN AND MOON SO MUCH! FUCK! I lay there in the soap for a while longer and tend to my battered groin, not caring that I continue to slowly slide down the path.

When I finally hit something and come to a stop I try to get over my pain and try to get back up. As my legs keep giving out from underneath myself, I grab onto a ledge... and loose my grip because my hoof is too slippery from all the soap.

"!ereH" I look up and see a familiar mare holding a hoof out to me from her front door. I know I know her, I just can't seem to remember her name. Hmm... light cream coat, blue hair with a streak of pink... candy cutie mark... nope, nothing. Also, what the fuck did she just say? "!no emoC" I stare at her for a bit longer before finally grabbing her hoof. Once she pulls me all the way inside she shuts the door and locks it.

"Thanks for the help." I say as I try to get up, settling for sitting here.

".ti noitnem t'noD" She tells me as she hurries to another room. I take the moment to gather myself and look around the room. It's a quaint little home. Nothing fancy. It smells of sweets in here and has a general warmth to it.

"!hhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAA" I jump and fall over when a high picked scream comes from the side. I look over and see that the mare from before has brought over a light green unicorn mare who is... beyond happy to see me. Wait a minute... that's right, I remember now. These are those lesbian ponies that had that fan group about humans.

"Um... hi?" I say as I extend a gooey hoof. "You wouldn't happen to have a towel, would you?" The light cream one nods and gives me several.

"?uoy era ohW ?no gniog s'tahW" She asks me as she helps dry my body off.

"Um.. I don't know what you're saying... and I can do that myself." I tell her as I set down one used up towel and start on another.

"!rewohs eht esu yllatot dluohs eH" The light green one tells the other one, getting a confused look from her. ".wonk uoY" Okay, I don't like how she said that. I still don't know what she said, but I don't like that body language. She looks back to me and thinks for a moment before making motions with her hooves.

She starts out by pretending to twist something then pretends to... rub her body? No, wash her body! Because the hair... and...

"Are you offering me a shower or... something else?" I ask hesitantly. She thinks to herself for a moment before her green friend steps forward.

".yllaer eciohc ruoy, htoB" She tells me, keeping a straight face.

"... I don't know what that means... can I use your shower?" I ask, getting a nod from the two of them. I begin to try and stand up when a light green aura picks me up. I look back to the unicorn and give her my thanks, dispute feeling off about being carried. Though I really shouldn't complain, they probably don't want soap all over their home.

We make it to the bathroom where she drops me into the bath tub. Literally. And I don't know if it was life just hating me, but I ended up spinning around in the tub as well. At least they got a laugh out of it. Fucking Altum. I just waited with a bemused look until I finally came to a stop, much to the enjoyment of the two mares.

"You two don't have to be here, I can do this myself." I tell them as they turn on the faucet and wait for it to heat up.

"?flesruoy yb kcab ruoy hcaer uoy naC" The light green one asks with a smirk. The other one shakes her head before moving behind her and rubbing her back. She then points to me.

"Oh... I guess that would be useful... just don't make this weird." They both smile -not helping the creepy factor at all- and move to the side of the tub before pulling on a plunger on the faucet, turning the shower head on. I jump a bit when the warm water hits me. I'm still used to taking colder showers, but I guess I'll just deal with it... wait, why do they get water?

".tib a revo toocS" I fall back as the light green one steps into the shower as well. I knew it! I fucking knew it! Why does weird shit like this always happen to me!?

"What do you think you're doing!" I yell at her as I back away. She gives me a confused look as she looks to the other mare in the room.

"?taht yb naem uoy od tahW" She asks, eyeing me oddly. ".lla s'taht ,kcab ruoy gnihsaw m'I" She tells me as she levitates some shampoo over to herself and squirts a bit onto her hooves.

"Oh sweet Barbra." I try to make a run for it, but I only manage to slip around in the tub. The curtain slides shut from a green aura and I lift into the air. "NO! I'm married! Stop! NOOOOOO!"

I step out the door to their house and shiver a bit as I try to think of what just happened. I don't think they're lesbians anymore, to say the least. They cleaned every part of me... every part of me. I better not grow some sort of fear of showers now. I think I'll just pretend that this never happened and blame it all on Altum... yeah, that's a good idea.

I look out at the street and frown at it. It's now a literal flowing river of soap, though it somehow is not effecting the homes here. It's cloudy now, thought the clouds are bright blue and dropping some dark liquid. I hold my tongue out and taste a drop... hmm... well, it tastes pretty good, and it's not killing me. A bit bubbly though with a creamy after taste.

With the... beverage rain, not being a threat I decide to move out. Taking slow, measured movements, I climb up the side of the building and take to the rooftop. From here I begin to run from rooftop to rooftop as I make my way to Sugarcube Corner. Luckily for me, Ponyville has built most of their buildings relatively close, so going from one to the next isn't that difficult. The only problem is that once I finally come into view of my destination, I hit a real problem. Main street.

The road is three times the size of the rest and is a flowing river of soap. And it doesn't seem like there's any way I'm going to climb over there. I'm in a good position here to glide over, the only problem is that I would have to be able to glide to do that. I look over to my wings and try to move them; only being able to twitch them at best.

"Hmm... this might be a problem." I mutter to myself.

"You could just fly over." Luna mentions, making me roll my eyes.

"Flight is a skill that I..." I stop and look over to her; eye twitching slightly. "Luna?"

"Yes honey?" She replies cutely.

"Why are you here?"

"Celestia’s orders." She tells me in a business like manner.

"Celestia?" I deadpan to her, getting a serious nod.

"She told me that I had to follow you in order to guarantee that you made it here. We knew Discord would try anything to stop you, and we were right." I stare at her for a moment and wait for her to fold. Ears back, fake smile, shifty eyes, three... two... one- "Okay, maybe I persuaded her a teeny, tiny bit to come out and check up on you."

"Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"Luna, for the hundredth time, no!" I tell her as I shift away from her in my seat. She just inches closer and continues on.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"Luna! Please! You're starting to creep me out." I tell her as I scoot a complete seat over. Yet she persists on.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"Are you serious?" I ask when she presses up against me and squeezes me in a hug.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"For the last time, NO!" I yell as I try to break free from her grasp, only managing to drag her halfway across the room.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"FINE! GO! JUST STOP ALREADY!" I yell. Seconds later she pops up beside me and gives me a quick hug.

"If you insist. I'll be back as soon as possible, and don't worry. I'll stay back and be as safe as possible." She tells me as she trots out the door.

"Yeah... so, you ready to get across?" She asks me as she opens her wings and takes a few steps forward.

"Luna, you shouldn't be out here in your condition." I tell her as I nuzzle her stomach a bit. She looks back to me and nuzzle my cheek a bit, trying to reassure me.

"Don't worry. I'll fly you across then teleport back home before you know it. Promise." She tells me. I take in a breath- and nearly loose it when she suddenly flashes away.

"LUNA!?" I yell as I look around for her.

"Don't worry." Celestia tells me as she lands behind me. "I teleported her home. You're right, in her condition she has no business being here. I, on the other hoof, have a duty to my ponies and will not rest until this is resolved." She tells me as she straightens out a bit, but winces slightly in discomfort.

"Celestia." I mutter in fear as I walk up beside her. She huffs a bit but presses on.

"I'm going to do this Miles. I have to. Too much happens where I am helpless to do anything. The changeling invasion, the Griffin Colonies being attacked, Discords rise to power... I've had enough of it! I will do what I can as long as I am able! This is my home, and I am fighting for it!" She tells me as she stomps her hoof down. I sigh and nod to her, understanding her resolve.

"Alright, but you let me do the heavy lifting first. I don't want to chance you hurting yourself while I'm still able to take the hits." I tell her, getting a smug look in response.

"Oh, don't worry. I plan on letting you take as many of the hits as possible... brother." She tells me as she nudges me a bit.

"Heh.. that sounds a little odd now to be honest." I tell her, chuckling a bit. "You aren't going to drop me in the soap... are you?"

"Mmm..." She hums to herself as she thinks about it. "Let's find out." She levitates me up and dives off the building, dropping down a bit before propelling forward. I nearly have a heart attack when I roll over and nearly smack -face first- into the torrent of soap. I flail around a bit as I try to get right side up, but can't seem to get it right. Though it only takes us a few moments to get across it takes too long for me. "There, see easy enough." Celestia says as we land on the front porch of the store.

THUD

"You did that on purpose." I grumble from the ground.

"Well... you bathed with two other mares, so I guess we're even." She says as I get back up.

"Hey! That wasn't consensual!" I snap back at her.

"You didn't really put up much of a fight. Are you planning on cheating on my sister?" She asks, the sarcasm practically oozing from her voice.

"You want to play jokes? Okay, no. I am not planning on cheating on Luna." I tell her, getting a slight chuckle from her as she starts to open the door. "Mainly because I don't think there is another pussy out there that's as good as hers."

THUD

Oh justice, you sweet, sweet thing. I push the door open and step around Celestia and enter the bakery, leaving her to pick herself up. I stop suddenly when a baby floats from the ground and up through the ceiling. Was that Pound Cake?

"Oh, look who it is." Pinkie says from the counter she's laying on. She has a grey tone over her entire body and has her hair going straight down, a feat I didn't think possible. She hops down and saunters over to me, a pissed look on her face.

"Hey Pinkie, what's-"

"Oh don't you 'hey Pinkie' me, buster!" She snaps at me. "You really think you can just come in here and act like nothing happened? After all the lies and treachery you've pulled!" She yells at me, slightly hopping as she comes to a stop before me.

"... uh... what?" I ask, genuinely confused.

"OH! You stupid jerk face! First you tell me that you're allergic to parties so that I wouldn't throw one for you! All I wanted to do was welcome you and have you make some friends, but nooooooo, you had to be a meanie, jerk head and lie to me! You couldn't just treat me like anypony else- OH WAIT! I was a pony! What would I know about human physiology!?"

Uh... Pinkie-

"Then there was that whole week of the wedding! I went and made sure you got a mickey so you would loosen up and spend some time with me and everypony else, but what did you go and do? Spent most of your time with that meanie head Chrysalis! Chrysalis! That hyper whore with the freaky holes and amazing oral work! What the buck, dude!? AND! AND! And you never even let me tell you how much fun everypony had with you!"

Pinkie... I think you have—

"But I took all of that in stride, but what do you do? Learn from that? Think about poor old Pinkie Pie for once? No. No, instead you just up and leave in the middle of the night. You were lucky I was able to catch you with my Pinkie Sense, you jerk! Do you have any idea how upset everypony would have been if you just up and disappeared!? Don't you get that we're your friends and you just leaving like that—"

PINKIE!

"WHAT, TB!? I'M WORKING HERE!" Pinkie yells, suddenly facing behind me.

Wrong story.

"...What?" she asks, becoming suddenly calm and confused herself.

Wrong story, Pinkie. You're thinking of... that other long one that I won't name because of flow-

“OH! Right, I’m thinking Diaries! Sorry, my bad.” Pinkie says with a giggle.

Right... anyway, back to this story.

"Right, sorry, sorry. Okay.... YOU! GARY STU!" She yells as she points at me.

OH FUCK YOU, PINKIE PIE!

Pinkie falls to the ground, laughing her ass off wildly. She giggles and starts crying as she holds her stomach in, trying to hold her innards in.

"BWUAHAHAHAHAHA! OH! I'm just kidding Miles, you have emotions, PFFFFT! HA! YOU HAVE EMOTIONS!" Pinkie yells before laughing even harder, pounding her hoof against the floor. I'm not sure what's going on, but whatever it is, it's turning her back to pink.

WHAT THE FUCK PINKIE!? I HAD PLANS! There was suppose to be some serious character development for Miles and Celestia! You're fucking that up!

"Aw, you mad bro?" Pinkie asks... nobody, as she wipes a tear from her eye. "Just do it later, I'm busy laughing. Oh... hoo hoo, my tummy hurts from laughing too much." Pinkie complains as she tries to get up, struggling with her joy. In a flash she turns back to her bubbly pink self, curly hair and wide smile back intact.

...

...

...

...

...

...

"So... are you good Pinkie?" I ask her, nervous beyond belief.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"BULLSHIT!" Altum voice calls out as he suddenly appears in the room. "THAT DOESN'T COUNT! Pinkie fixing herself does NOT count!"

"It totally does Altum." I say with a smirk as Celestia finally joins me at my side.

"NO! You didn't even do anything! You just stood there as she talked to herself! That doesn't count!" He yells as he glares down at the flow breaking pink pony... flow breaking?

"You obviously don't know Pinkie Pie Altum." I say as I walk over to her side, getting a bright smile from her. "I mean, I probably could have jingled some keys and got the same effect."

"Hey!" Pinkie pouts, then smiles. "Okay, maybe. It depends on the keys though! None of those paracentric keys." I stare at her for a moment before looking back up to Altum.

"As I said, it's Pinkie. Now get ready for an ass kicking-"

SNAP

Before I could act, Altum snapped his fingers and summoned the machine from Outpost Zero. He points it at me and begins to charge his magic into it. I shove Pinkie aside and try to make-

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

What has happened to Miles!?

Will he be able to defeat Altum now!?

Will Celestia be able to help?!

Will Pinkie ever let me write a fucking chapter and not break the wall so hard that I have to fucking stop the entire story and set her back on track!? I mean, seriously!? You got the stories mixed up! What the fuck was up with that!?

You mad?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON MAN OF WAR!

Don't forget to update your Oc's and Chapter 200 questions! Also, shout out to Whatmustido fro letting me reference his story, you're awesome!

Brony on!