Oh, but I AM Weak and Helpless

by Flint Sparks

Chapter 1: I am. Really.

“Oh no! I’m completely bound in strong, tight rope! I cannot do anything but flail about and struggle! Oh woe to me, the damsel in distress! I sure hope no male of unspecified species happens to come across such a young, innocent girl and take advantage of her! Why, I wouldn’t be able to defend myself at all, being so helpless and available!” Fluttershy ‘cried’ as she rolled on the ground, struggling against her bonds.

Discord rolled his eyes as he turned the page of his newspaper. “Fluttershy, you’re rolling in the yarn you borrowed from Rarity.”

Fluttershy, tangled in red and blue string, whined. “No, I’m tied up like a damsel! Now buc-I mean, please don’t hurt me!” Her blue eyes teared up and she whimpered, using her squeaks to her advantage. It did nothing but irritate the older, wiser draconequus.

Discord threw aside his paper and stood up from couch. “Yeah, I’m going to make myself a sandwich now.” He yawned, stretched and walked toward the minibar in his castle chamber. Fluttershy made to intercept him, but her wings caught in the yarn and she tumbled forward.

She yelped as she landed on her muzzle. “Wait! Where do you think you’re going?” She wiggled on the carpet floor, trying to crawl her way to Discord.

Discord turned away from the open chamber door, chewing his sandwich. He rolled it in his mouth, swallowed, and then answered. “I’m getting out of this loony bin. I’ll be back when Tia gets home from work.” He stepped into the castle, but flinched when Fluttershy shrieked.

“What about me?!” she cried, rolling onto her back and swishing her tail back and forth.

“Yes? What about you? It’s not like you’re weak or helpless…”

“Oh, but I AM weak and helpless,” she said, smiling upside-down at Discord. “And I appreciate your cooperation if you just rescue me…”

Discord shook his head. “No, no, and most definitely no. I’ve been around longer than even Celestia, and I know all the tricks in the book. If there’s one ounce of chaos I can’t stand, it’s the heart of a mare-”

Fluttershy roared, “YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE ME!”

Discord gulped and snapped his fingers.

“Oh no, I’m under attack by a savage and frightening beast! If only there was somepony with magical power to rescue me as I’m trapped in this corner, I would be so grateful! I would probably reward my prince with everything I have!” Fluttershy dramatically declared, holding a hoof to her forehead as a bear shuffled toward her in the hedge maze. “Why, I would even go as far as to give him my heart… and my body.”

Discord casually lifted his shades as he sunbathed, laying on top of his conjured beach chair. He sighed and lowered them. He casually sipped his lemonade’s glass, before tossing the lemonade in the trash. “Fluttershy, that’s your pet bear.”

“No it’s not!” Fluttershy defended as the bear lifted her up and planted a kiss on the top of her head, slightly messing up her neat mane. The draconequus ignored her, causing an angry blush to emerge on the mare.

“Oh no, I’m dangling off a cliff above my doom-”

“Fluttershy, you’re a pegasus. You can fly.”

“...I forgot the rope.”


“Oh no! I’m being foalnapped!”

“Fluttershy, that’s the servant giving you tea!”

“I’m being robbed!”

“You just paid the guy!”

“Help! Someone’s assaulting me!”

“Your masseuse doesn't seem to happy with you screaming at him.”

“Oh no! I suddenly forgot how to swim! Someone! Hel-”

“FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE!” Discord shouted. “Fluttershy you’re one of the best swimmers I know! Before this was slightly annoying, but now it’s just getting aggravating!”

Fluttershy sat in a tiny kiddy pool, one that she could easily stand up in; seeing how it was only about a foot deep. Fluttershy was trying to simulate what she thought a drowning pony would look like. From Discord’s perspective it looked more like she was throwing a temper tantrum, which wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Oh, but I really do need help!” Fluttershy said in a voice so sweet that Discord nearly barfed. “Please Discord, just help me. I promise you’ll get your just desserts,” She added with a wink and a sultry smile, forgetting that she was supposed to be “drowning.”

Discord looked her over and smirked, slowly getting up from his pool chair, “Well, I guess since you’re not in trouble anymore I can just leave.” He stretched, savoring the pleading look on her face. He resolved not to talk to her until she had calmed down and was thinking rationally. At least rationally by Discord’s standards.

Before he teleported away Discord risked one last glance at the miserable looking Fluttershy. Seeing her in such a state he mumbled to himself, “It’ll take more than a pretty face to get me in with you.” With that he snapped his fingers, transporting himself back to his room in the Canterlot Castle.

Fluttershy sighed, looking up from the kiddy pool into the sky, If only I was a bird, she thought. Then maybe this whole charade could work, the males would fight over me while I look pretty and helpless. She climbed out of the kiddy pool, shivering as a gust of wind swept past. Discord had not taken any of her bait no matter how weak she pretended to be. Maybe I’ve been going about this all wrong, she continued to ponder while drying off. Perhaps it isn’t helplessness and distress that Discord wants, maybe something a little more... chaotic.

Then she got an idea: an awful idea, an absolutely awful idea. She gathered herself together and headed towards the castle, cackling madly at the notion of putting her plan into action.

Discord sat inside his room, one of the only places that he could spread chaos magic with little to no rebukes from Celestia. Aside from the occasional cotton candy cloud escaping from the windows and soaking an angry royal, his chaos was surprisingly well contained, even though more than once he was tempted to move the sun just a few inches to freak Tia out. The best part about the room? That honor would have to go to the deadbolt Luna gave him. One of the strongest locks in all of Equestria, able to keep away even the strongest of the royal guard. The guards could testify to it.

Right now though, Discord was less interested in the lock than he was with his own creations. Specifically his attempts at creating a perfect glass of chocolate milk. So far the results had been...less than satisfying.

Hmm, I have the milk part down but not the chocolate, hmm, what would little Miss Smartypants do in this situation? he wondered aloud as he drank the chocolate milk through a crazy straw. Less than perfection or not, it was still chocolate milk.

Discord almost considered asking Fluttershy about this problem when he heard somepony banging on the door. Their beating sounded like they were throwing everything they had. Slightly startled, he hurried to the door in case, Luna forbid, an actual threat was coming and he was needed.

Unfortunately, Discord would only wish it was that bad.

“You better open this door right now mister or so help me I will tear it down splinter by splinter until it’s so mangled that its children wouldn’t even recognize it!” Came the angry, screeching voice of Fluttershy. Discord froze in mid air, not quite certain that he was hearing this.

He shook his head as if to clear it before replying, “Pardon?”

“You heard me! Open this door right now!” More beatings came upon the door, causing Discord to back away from the door with genuine fear in his eyes. He breathed in and out a few times before answering in the most level voice he could.

“Fluttershy I’m not going to let you in until you are not threatening to do something I don’t want to do at this point, or probably any point in time. Besides this is a special patented deadbolt separating us two, not even the royal guard could get past it! You might as well give up now, or at least apologize for your behavior earlier.”

A pregnant pause settled over the room. The insistent banging had stopped. He found it strange; Discord thought that Fluttershy would have at least made some noise if she was leaving. Oh well he thought. It didn’t really matter either way, he could figure out the inconsistency late-

A huge boom sounded off as the room shook in very unnatural ways. The movement managed to toss Discord into a corner of the room, knocking his breath away for a second. When he managed to open his eyes a sight that would be forever locked in his mind came into view.

Fluttershy standing just outside his room, directly atop an enormous pink cannon that was easily taller than Celestia. The door was almost completely off its hinges, simply hanging on by a single bolt. Discord sat up, dazed as his eyes struggled to adjust on the once calm mare standing before him. Well, maybe it’s not as bad as it seems, maybe there’s still a way out of this.

Then with a crazed smile and an eye twitch that would make Twilight Sparkle proud, Fluttershy spoke.

“Now come to mama!”

“I’m surprised, Twilight. Your management with the Griffin Kingdom’s embassies was impeccable. I am, and I’m sure everypony is as well, proud of you,” Princess Celestia praised her shorter, yet talented, protege as the group of alicorns walked down the castle halls. Cadence and Luna were locked in fierce debate over something Twilight found petty, but Celestia had encouraged.

Twilight smiled and looked up to her mentor. “Well, I can honestly say it- What was that?” She turned her head toward the elaborate mahogany door they were passing by. It looked like every other door of the hundreds inside the castle, but the door had several bumps and holes smashed onto its surface. Banging and bumping noises were inside, and the voices of a couple ponies.

“That’s odd…” Princess Celestia walked closer to the door and eyed the claw marks by the doorknob. “The doors are enchanted to be soundproof.”

Cadence and Luna approached. “What seems to be the problem?”

A feminine voice screamed, “Yay,” through the door. It was quiet and hushed, but echoed through the hall. The four alicorn princess stared at each other in shock.

Cadence broke the tension and politely coughed. Without a word, three bags of bits were thrown at her hooves.

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