I should warn you now. What follows is not for the faint of heart. It is ugly, cruel, disgusting, relentless, utterly gratuitous, and completely unsuitable for anyone. I must now unleash upon you a complicated action scene forced into linear prose, and pray that I may be forgiven for my linguistic sins.

Something just snapped in Shooting Stars. She ran to the edge of the roof we were on and grabbed the nearest crucible. I don't know if unicorns can feel things they're holding with magic, but even if they can, she was probably past caring by now. She growled with all the throat and gravel of a bear as she tipped it. Molten steel cascaded down the labyrinth of scaffolds and catwalks, incinerating guards and slaves alike. War were declared.

I huffed and left my gun where it was. If she was going to throw liquid metal around like that, then I was never going to get my darts back. Why can't you be a team player, Stars? Why? Instead, I got out that baton that I'd plundered earlier. I strapped it on and hit a button. Parts of it lit up blue. Ooh, sci-fi. Since it was meant to be a whip, I sat back and flicked my hoof out like I was giving a high-five. A line of electric-blue glow followed the momentum of my hoof, and static sparked along its length. As if wound around a spring, it reeled back into the baton and vanished. I tried it again and got the same result. I nodded, and got the hell out of Stars' way.

At this point Full House was just looking for a way up, and I don't blame him. Stars tipped a second crucible, this time with a lot of the fluid landing in a third one below it. The excess caused it to tip, and that which missed melted the hinges, causing it fall entirely. I mean, I know I shouldn't have high hopes for construction integrity in a shoddy operation like this, but that's just an accident waiting to happen. Towers of rickety scaffolding supporting fragile structures on which to mount crucibles of metal at thousands of degrees, all stacked vertically. I talk a lot about how the wasteland seems to erode brain cells, but this is just ridiculous. Are they that desperate to keep the slaves from getting away that they have to stick them all in a giant hole and compromise the structural stability of their industry? Why not bomb collars? Mounted turrets? Hell, the wall should be enough! They're making all this steel, they should have plenty left over for making a sturdy wall! I figured I had to have a talk with the manager of this place.

The lash of a whip flew in Stars direction. She reared back. It didn't make impact, but it was enough to startle her. A second later, the owner of the whip appeared over the edge of the roof, lifted in Stars' magic grip. The whip retracted into its baton. The guard's ears flattened. Then, he flew high into the air. His scream left hearing range, then returned, followed by a crunch. I looked over to see his broken body on a cart track a few levels below. The startle had caused some slaves to let go of a cart full of coal, and two of them were crushed as it rolled back. A burst of purple light drew my attention back to Stars. Or, where she had been. I couldn't see where she'd gone, but presumably it was to go and stretch the definition of 'self-defence'.

A thunderous crunch of splitting concrete behind me made me jump. House, who was trying to scale the rock face Comet had been hanging from, fell back. One of the minotaur guards had been roused, and decided to join us. He was hunched over on one knee in a small crater, dug by his impact. The head of an improvised sledgehammer - a lamppost and a fire hydrant - split the concrete a couple of feet away. We backed on to the corrugated iron part of the roof. Behind us was a sheer drop to the bottom of the pit, all congealing steel and chaos.

I flicked out my wings and jumped away. "Well, it was nice knowing you!" House growled and grabbed my tail before I could get away. He pulled me back to the roof, and I landed flat on my back. One of my bags came undone and emptied its contents on deck. "Now look what you made me do! Dick..." I rolled to the side to stop the stuff sliding into oblivion and started packing it. House stood behind me, presumably because then I'd get mashed with the street sweeper first. What happened to saving my life to repay his debt? I rescued everything except a few caps (note to self: get bag for caps), which were lost to the madness below (does this make the cap go up in value? Who's backing the cap as a currency? Maybe it's just a consensus currency) and a grenade. I caught the grenade in my teeth a split-second before I sidestepped the hammer coming from overhead. It bent the metal, and the lever effect was enough to launch House a foot in the air.

While I was fastening my bags again (stupid fucking asscock shitty belts), House reared up and sent one, two, three, four, five cards at the minotaur. I guessed the fumes were throwing his aim off. The first glanced the shaft of the hammer and just grazed his side. The second and third stuck in his belly, the fourth went over his head and continued into fucking orbit, and the fifth stuck in his cheek. He lifted the hammer back over his shoulder and picked the cards out, one by one. He laughed (a sound so deep and hearty it put that wannabe cowboy in Colton to shame), and tossed them away. He reared the hammer back like a golf club. Two more cards embedded themselves in his shoulder and chest, and he ignored them. Then, the hammer swung around. I jumped with plenty of time (if his attack was any more telegraphed I'd have gotten a letter 3-5 working days in advance), and the hydrant cracked the rock face next to us. House spun another card, and it grazed his knuckle.

I growled in frustration, which reminded me of the grenade in my teeth. I dropped next to House and stopped him wasting more cards. I spat out the grenade, yanked the cards out of one of his bracers, and wedged the grenade in it by the pin. He looked at it, then at me with a quirked brow. I nodded with a pout. The minotaur had pulled the hammer back for another swing. House threw.

His throw was more of a push at nothing because of how the grenade was stuck in, but it did the trick. The pin stayed wedged in the bracer, while the bulb lit up red and shot across the gap between us and the minotaur. It hit him square in the stomach and penetrated about two inches. He hunched forward and huffed. He dropped his hammer behind him in his stun. He quickly recovered, and House and I ducked.

Boom. Minotaur guts rained. When the shower of sizzled gore stopped, I risked a look up. A pair of legs sat by the wall. The upper half of the ex-minotaur joined us a few seconds later, when it bounced on the iron sheet (levering House into the air again, this time with me) and then off the edge. I jigged in place and looked over the edge to watch it fall. House sighed, muttered something under his breath, and wiped the bloody mess from his hat.

There was no way up from where we were, House didn't trust me to carry him over a crucible and ride the updraft away, and every time I tried to leave he grabbed me back, so we had no other option but to descend and look for another way up. The tracks were considerably wobblier than they had been on the way up. Gaps in the platforms and blobs of hot steel made for a treacherous descent. We saw evidence of Stars' rampage on the furnace level. One of them had been completely blocked up with guards, with a few legs and tails sticking out of the door. A couple of slaves that had gotten in her way lay motionless around the deck. A second furnace had been ripped clean from the wall and used to tear down more of the scaffolds. The one we'd descended on gave way as we went to go further, stranding us by the furnaces. For a breather, we sat back and tried to find Stars amid the chaos. House couldn't look at the bottom without the smoke blinding him, so he scanned the cut-open drains above us. With my goggles, I could get a look at the mayhem directly.

Layers of molten and drying steel carpeted the dirt. Much of it was still glowing red and orange, and all of it was spewing smoke. Some ponies had been caught in the steel flow but hadn't had the good fortune to burn away instantly. The metal must have been barely liquid by then, or just simply too shallow to swallow them up, so it hardened around them. They screamed and flailed, but those still free were too preoccupied to put them down. A couple of coal puppies lurked at the edge of their caves, unsure whether to try and grab a free meal or just run.

House yanked me back from the edge, and a broken catwalk fell where I was standing. Miraculously, it held, becoming a ramp to somewhere, obscured by smoke. A guard slid down the guard rail and rolled off the side.

I sat and frowned. "So now you're just going to fuck off?"

He stepped around me and started up the catwalk. "Already gone." I grumbled and followed. He ran as best he could with the incline, and I just ambled at my comfort. I had a safety net, I wasn't worried. Why was I even walking up this thing? I could just bail now.

The catwalk creaked, with House nearly at the other side. It bent in the middle, and became too steep for grip. I was just past the bend point, so I just fell back on my haunches. House scrabbled at the surface, then started sliding back down. The catwalk bent again, this time lifting a few yards into the air. There was no way that was gravity. I clutched the railing. House bounced around for a second before catching on and doing the same. The catwalk rose and span, until it hung vertically so far above the madness below that it all blurred into a smoking orange glow. Even then, we still weren't out of the hole. I could see the rim, but not beyond. It twisted on its axis to face us toward the nearest wall. Stars stood in a cavity, surrounded by limp bodies, including one minotaur. Her robes and face were stained with red splatters. I waved. She glared, and lowered the catwalk as if to throw it.

"Enough!" I swear, it's like the wasteland has a competitive scene for deep, booming voices. This one echoed all way down the hole. The noises died off. Even the screaming. The catwalk shook up and down until neither of us could hold on. Something immaterial caught us and lifted us level with Stars. The catwalk was tossed aside.

Perched at the edge of a platform above us was what can best be described as a sheer anachronism. A white head with flowing mane and a lit horn poked out of a suit of armour. Not power armour - this was polished, gold-trimmed steel, reflecting the glow of molten iron below with almost mirror-like clarity. It was like he'd fallen right out of a history book. He soon identified himself as the source of the voice. "What three fools dare assault the industry of Cyfeirnod?" The voice actually made me tingle. If he wasn't so obviously running this place I'd happily pay to have him narrate my life.

"Industry of what now?" House muttered.

"Is this the part where you send us to some underground slave death combat arena to fight for our lives?" I called back.

He furrowed his brow. "No. An arena for slaves would be wasteful."

"Ah, I knew there was someone around here with an eye for efficiency!" I lay back in my magical hover and put my hooves behind my head. "You wanna do lunch some time and talk shop? I took an economics class in school, maybe I can give you a couple of pointers on streamlining."

"Atom, will you shut up!" Stars screamed. Cafango...Kafriendship... Caerfilly... I'm just gonna call him Charlie. Charlie okay? Cool. Charlie frowned, and bonked her on the head with nothing. I'm guessing it was just raw magic that he skulled her with because she squeaked and fell over.

"You are not the first to meddle with my affairs in this world, and I am certain that you will not be the last. However, as you may have seen..." He looked to one side and dragged Comet's dead deceased corpse over to wave at us. "... those who cross me do not meet merry ends." He let Comet tumble off the side and into the carnage.

"I know your type," House croaked. He pulled his scarf down to be heard better. He wasn't in any danger of competing with Charlie. "Y'get some vision in your head, and then everything else is secondary." I sighed. Was House really going to try a hero speech? "Bringing order to the wasteland, is it? That's what it always is. Building some brighter future on the backs of a million slaves, or on rivers of blood."

"And I suppose you have a better plan?" House opened his mouth, but then closed it again. "This land is ill, and its medicine bitter. You and the dozens like you are nothing but upset children, refusing the spoon."

"Ooh, he's got you there..." House thumped me.

"Can it, tincan." Not as creative as my facetious nicknames, but it's a start. "If I get rubbed out taking a stain like you with me, then that's a fair deal."

Charlie smirked. "And just what do you plan to do from there? You have no weapons." I took offence at my Nerf gun not being considered a weapon. Maybe I just confused him so much that he decided to pretend I didn't exist.

House smirked. "No-one ever sees it coming." He flung one hoof at Charlie. Nothing happened. Charlie indulged in a delectably deep chuckle, and House's smirk vanished. He looked at his bracer. Empty.

I hit my forehead. "Right! Right, I still have your cards. Try the other one."

House sighed, and flung the other hoof. With Charlie distracted, he indeed didn't see it coming. The card travelled in an arc and embedded itself in the base of his horn. It didn't come clean off, but it was enough to cripple him with pain. The glow vanished, and we dropped. House just stared up at him with a resigned look on his face. I thought, that's not a fun death, is it? Just, flat-faced, 'oh well, good game'. What kind of blaze of glory is that? I grabbed him under the forelegs and stuck my wings out. I nearly dropped him when I caught the rising air, and again, nearly crashed into the wall on the way back up, but with the aid of the updraft, I circled the pit until we were above ground again. Charlie screamed some archaic profanities at us, like cursing us to the nine hells and the infinite realms of oblivion or something like that. House just smirked and saluted. In his blind, frothing rage, Charlie put a foot over the edge, lost his balance, and tumbled off. The illustrious, imperious, ingenious archmage Charles: introduced and then killed within the space of a thousand words. It's a tough ol' wasteland, isn't it?

Once we were over the walls, I started dropping. I looked for a soft spot to crash. I dropped House on the soil strip of a boulevard, then came into land myself. I tripped on the landing and somersaulted twice before rolling up against a dead tree. My bags didn't fall open this time.

House sat up and fixed his hat. "What about Stars? She's still in there!"

"She's fine, she can handle herself..." I rolled the right way up and shook the soot off me.

"She was unconscious."

"I'd be surprised if there was a guard left alive in there. And besides, I saved your life again! You're going nowhere!"

He glared. Then he sighed, and reluctantly nodded. "At least give me the rest of my cards back."

"Oh. Yeah. Those." I flicked open my bag, and pulled them out four at a time. The neat stack had come loose in my bag, and a good number of them were bent. He grumbled, and began the task of tossing away the ones that wouldn't fit in his bracer anymore and slotting in those that did.

The wall exploded. There was no fire, no shrapnel flying around at lethal speeds, just poorly bolted-on panels being thrown aside. A big ball of black fluff skidded to a halt outside the wall, took a second to get its bearings, then spotted us, and started barrelling over. House stepped back so the tree would stop Snowy before he hit him. Snowy hit the brakes, and I started backpedalling. He came to a stop where I had been standing. Three sort-of white things fell off Snowy's back, rolling over his head. The first was a charred and crumpled Comet. The second was Charlie, bleeding from his horn and mouth. The third was Stars, who groaned when she landed.

"I found the pony with the big metal box but then he didn't have it anymore and then I found another pony wearing a big metal box too so I brought both of them because I didn't know which one you wanted and then I found the magic light bulb pony so I brought her too, and..." Snowy took a long gasp for air. "It smells nice up here."

I jumped over the pile to scratch Snowy under the chin. "Who's a good boy! Who is the best boy!" He sat back and wagged his tail, panting happily.

House poked Stars, and she stirred. While she was waking up, he turned his attention to Charlie. He flicked his hoof at his head again, using a card to sever his horn completely. He waited for it to empty of blood, then pocketed it. I tilted my head. Snowy did too, but then he tilted it the other way and started scratching behind his ear. House looked at the hole in the wall, then back at us. "I'll tell you another time. We need to put some distance between us and this hellhole." Stars was coming to. "Snowy, go home." Snowy just sat and made a single whine. House leaned over and said it again, louder and slower. "Snowy, go home."

"Other coal puppies chased me away. Says they sees me talking you ponies, and now there no ponies left to feed coal puppies."

"Oh." House grimaced.

I bounced in place. "Oh! Can we keep him? Can we can we can we?" My bouncing got Snowy excited too. He started running in circles, and then fell over because he's stupid.

House ignored me, because Stars sat up, rubbing her head. "Ow... What... what happened?"

"Where do I start?" She looked around. She saw Snowy leaning over to sniff at Comet.

"No, don't eat him!" Snowy's ears drooped and he whined. Stars frowned. She dragged Charlie aside with magic. "You can eat him though." Snowy jumped over to him and started picking apart his armour with his teeth. She sighed, and got to her hooves. She stared at Comet's remains. I yawned and looked at my not-PipBuck.

"We shouldn't hang around," House said. "Bury him quick as we can and let's get as far away as we can."

"We could bury him in Snowy's stomach, that's the quickest way I can think of." Stars pulled on my goggles and let them snap back in my face.

She lifted him up and folded him into a curled-up position. "Snowy, c'mere!"

"That means we're keeping him or you're going with my idea, so either way, score!" House nudged me and shook his head.

Snowy bounded over, muzzle still bloodied. He sniffed Comet's floating body. "Snowy, I'm going to put Comet here on your back. We're going to go into the hills so we can bury him. I want you to make sure you don't drop him. Do you understand?" Snowy's eyes looked in different directions for a second, then he nodded. Stars hung Comet from his neck and sighed.

"C'mon. Let's go." House led, and Stars followed with her head hanging low. I fluttered on to Snowy's back and scratched him behind the ear. He seemed happy enough to let me ride. I stashed the whip and cracked open a Sparkle Cola.

A new toy, a dog and a free ride! Today is a good day.

Level up! Y'know, I feel good enough about now to just let this pass New perk: Lord Death

You gain a damage bonus against everything, because you like killing everything.