Author's Notes:

WARNING: The following events have nothing to do with anything. You can safely skip this chapter and the next and it'll be like nothing was ever gone.

So, at this point you might notice a change in pace. Xena is obviously a refreshing new addition to the cast and should provide hours of fascinating new interactions with everyone with her choice application of non-dialogue. No, I mean, the wasteland is a bit repetitive. This was about the time that I was starting to get bored. Everything is grey and brown and dead and just kind of samey, and we did a lot of walking to grey, brown, dead places through grey, brown, dead places. There's only so many ways you can say 'we walked through a ruined city, it looked like a pile of shit'. So now I'm going to endeavour to skip some of that.

Stockport was boring. We reached there around evening. Some foals came along and noticed my stable jumpsuit, and started chasing me for autographs, but Stars hurried us along. Their parents looked dead-eyed and hollow and generally uninterested. The town seemed to have escaped most of the megaspells, but it suffered a lot post-war. The current town is just settled raiders, which made all the spikes on buildings and punk hairstyles make a lot of sense. No grisly trophies of war anywhere though. Apparently they used to be contenders, but they just couldn't keep up with the Manechester tribes, so they went legit and settled. All the raider tribes will when they get tired of raiding, they told me. Most of the inhabited town is in the ruins of an old leisure centre by the town hall, a bus station and a big-ass train station. They told me that if I thought that was big, I should see Croup. Town was just entirely train station, before and after the war.

We stocked up on food and water again (we hadn't had any since that night in the Preak District). I asked about getting the watch from the Reebuck fixed, but they didn't know how. Some guy offered me three caps for it, but I held on to the watch. House bought like twelve packs of cards and some inhaler thing. A shady looking guy asked if I wanted to buy some drugs. He showed me some boxes of breathmints and steroids. I laughed at him and asked if he had any weed. Stars told me that cannabis has been extinct for about two hundred years, and that made me sad. At least now those old rap records in the stable couldn't be a bad influence, because they were asking me to smoke something every day that didn't exist anymore. It started raining some time after dark and continued until about midday the next day. I get the feeling that if it hadn't, Stars would have tried to leave in the night. We were only twenty miles from Warreington, and she could have made it by mid-morning.

When the rain eased up, we left along an old motorway, since it was the dryest route. Everywhere was saturated with moisture. We walked through the aftermath of a hydraulic massacre, a countryside pelted with wet bullets and bombs until the entire landscape was scarred. The fallout filled the air, leaving it cold and misty. The unrepentant clouds blocked the sun from clearing it, leaving us drowning on dry land. Supposedly dry land. The land would never be dry. This place was simply a magnet for the curse of eternal dampness. I felt it again, the seeping of moisture into my very soul, threatening to pull me into the wet ground like so many other victi-

"Get down!" At Stars' instruction, we hunkered behind a ruined wall. The grass was still wet, ew. A signpost with the pole bent in the middle said Altrickham. Snowy dropped in place and started wagging his tail. Then he rolled over.

I poked my head around the side of the wall to get a look. About two buildings over, there was a pony twice the size any pony I've ever seen. Well, twice the size in the vertical dimension. Stones was easily twice my mass, and probably four times that of Sticks. This thing looked like some teenager's drawing of a magical fair forest creature pony thing, sniffing about in the ruins. And with a red and nearly-black-but-still-kinda red colour scheme, it looked like it was coloured by a teenager too. Its mane and tail had an oddly clean and flowing quality to it, like it didn't give a fuck about gravity and was just doing whatever it wanted.

"The fuck is that?"

Stars looked up from her speed planning. "Alicorn."

House chanced a glance over the top of our cover. "I ain't never seen a red one before..."

"They're so rare, the Steel Rangers don't have anything on them. We only have anectodal reports to go on, so we dismissed them as hallucinations or mistakes, but this... dammit, I could do with a camera." Stars took out some paper and a pen and started scribbling.

House ducked again. "It seems to be just minding its own business. If we stay in cover and go around we should be able to pass without any trouble. There could be more around, but now we know to be care-"

"It's nerf or nothing!"

"Oh sweet merciful fuck."

I hopped over the wall, gun drawn, and charged with wings out to take to the air. I tossed a silence grenade and fired two darts, click-pap-click-pfft. They were parried before the grenade went off, causing explosions in mid air. The grenade burst in its sphere of blue light, and the alicorn screamed and screwed up her face. My third dart sailed over her head, exploding in the rubble behind her. I popped a fourth off and went to grab the first two and chamber them. The fourth went off in air too, and the alicorn had already recovered. The fuck? While I was going to reclaim dart number four, she was starting to lift chunks of rubble and growl. I attempted a roll to dodge the first. I got out of its way, but botched the roll and landed on my back. One bag strap went, and only a quick hoof stopped my stuff spilling. I made a note to get better bags later.

With a second, awkward roll, I dodged another brick and fixed my bag. I started running a circle around the alicorn, and got a glimpse back at where the others had been. They were still hiding like cowards, or had decided to abandon me. I pulled a feint to get enough time to reclaim the last dart and find a spot of cover. A toilet shattered on the half-wall I was hiding behind. I looked through the ruined door and through the alicorn's legs. I caught the tips of two twitchy ears behind the low wall opposite me - the one I'd jumped over a minute ago. I smirked.

I pressed my hooves to my cheeks and whistled. The alicorn winced. "C'mere Snowy!" I saw a ball of black fluff vault the wall, bounce once, and then the alicorn twisted like a spring being turned on its axis. Snowy bit her leg and lifted her in the air. She had a look of such utter confusion as she went up that I had to break down laughing. Snowy waved her around for a bit before letting her go. She gave a guttural wheeze when she hit the wall. She growled, and while Snowy was scratching behind his ear, she sent a magic wall his way. It whisked him into the air, and he gave a loud yelp and whine that made me wince. The throw was such that in less time than you can say 'Team Rocket's blasting off again', Snowy was but a twinkle in the sky. When I picked my jaw off the floor, I used her distraction to pump and fire, and a dart blasted her behind the ear. She fell forward and went limp. I waited to see if she got back up. After a good ten seconds, she didn't. I stepped out to fetch my dart.

"Fuckin' bitch." I kicked her body, then went back to the wall. When I hopped over, House and Stars were still crouching there. "Change of plans. We're going to find Snowy. He went somewhere... that way."

"The airport?"

"I don't fucking know. I just saw her punt Snowy like he was on the fairway on the 18th."

"Uh... how did you deal with it? Alicorns go down hard."

I was already walking. Whether they followed was secondary. "I hit it in the back of the head. If anything can survive that, write me about it."

"I don't think you quite understand just how hard." I ignored Stars. There was a pause while I kept walking.

"Let's just go with her. Even if it's just stunned we can get away."

"But Warreington's the other way."

"You can go around later. Besides, the mutt's kinda grown on me." House chuckled and got up. "Let's see where he's got to, eh?"

A few seconds passed with just the sound of the two of them hurrying to catch up. Then a tumble of stone stuck out from the background sound. I stopped and turned around. They did the same. The alicorn was perched on the low wall they had been hiding behind. She let out an incoherent growl, and magic happened. I can only guess magic happened, because one moment I was looking at an alicorn, and the next everything was white and disorienting. There's not many other things that cause that, right? I've had concussions before and you generally don't stay conscious for all of them. This was confusing, but more in an 'oh fuck which way is up' kind of way. So the alicorn zapped us, and we went somewhere.

I landed on my back and both my saddlebags gave way. Fucking hell. It was dark and damp and smelled of mould in here. Whatever foul thing was in here, I didn't want it slobbering over my stuff. I heard two squeaks of surprise as House and Stars bumped into each other somewhere in the room.

"Where are we?"

"Are we dead?"

"Looks like a fucking boring afterlife." When I said that, Stars sighed. She thought she'd gotten away, didn't she? I spent a few minutes feeling around for my stuff. Stars lit her horn, which made finding things on the cobblestone floor immeasurably easier. Then I found something interesting: a few fleshy, fragrant lumps sitting on top of a wooden barrel. I say fleshy, but I don't mean raw-meat fleshy. It took me a minute to place the image, but I think they were the things they had on boxes of sugar apple bombs, only the real thing. I sniffed them. My mouth watered. I heard thumping from the floor above, and stashed them quickly. An orange glow highlighted a wooden staircase against a wall. The glow got brighter. The others hid behind crates. I just tilted my head. A pair of legs appeared, followed by an old lantern. The mouth holding it came after, and then the white-maned face it belonged to. He furrowed his brow and set the lantern down.

"How did you get down here? I don't remember seeing you come in." I should start finding a way to collect the funny accents I hear. This one had slightly weird intonation and stress, like it wasn't his first language.

I flicked down my shades. "Food safety inspector. We have our ways."

He jumped. "O-oh! I didn't..."

"Nobody expects the inspectors."

He grinned and gulped. "I take it you've found everything to your liking?"

I pouted and looked around. "I dunno... I think I'm going to need to take a few samples."

"Of course! Come on up and I'll provide you with everything you need!"

I leaned forward with a raised brow. The look made him tense his grin. Then I nodded and started up the stairs past him. "C'mon."

Reluctantly, Stars and House peered out of their hiding places. The old fart jumped in fright again. "There's more?"

"They were checking your crates for radroaches."

"Rat-what-now?"

I shook my head and pretended to press some buttons on my knockoff PipBuck. "That doesn't sound good."

"Right! Yes! Rat... roaches." Based on his tone, I can only imagine what the image was doing to him. "Don't worry. All our supplies are quite securely stored."

"I'll see when they turn in their reports." The other two looked at each other, then shrugged and followed. The guy hurried past me to open the door at the top of the stairs.

The main room was only a little brighter than the cellar. The only light was through two tiny windows either side of the door, and a small fire. The room was rich with the smells of ale and cooking. A few ponies in colourful tunics and gowns were hanging around, eating or lightly chatting, and a few kegs sat on the counter. One of them cast me an odd look. Stars didn't look too out of place, and even House could pass for a local if he just acted natural. "Welcome to the Jennet View Inn, the finest public house in all of Brumare! I am Hobble Häst, proprietor of this establishment. Please, have a seat!" Playing along for now, House and Stars found a table. I went up to the window and looked out. There were some rooftops and a stone wall being patrolled in the distance, and beyond that was forest. I was struck by the lack of the green tint that seemed to be everywhere in the wasteland. The sky was even kind of clear. "What seems to be the matter?"

I turned and Hobble was leaning over to dote on me. "Where is this Jennet I'm supposed to be viewing?"

He laughed nervously and kneaded his hooves together. "Aha, well! Well. The Jennet mountains are actually behind the inn." I gave him the same eyebrow-raised look that made him sweat bullets earlier. Worked perfectly again. "But if you step to the right, you can see some of the end of the range, and if you step outside..." He opened the door and shoved me outside. "There! You can sort of see them, yes?"

I was too busy getting a load of everything else to try and find the mountains. I was on the steps of an cabin of wood and stone with a shingled roof. Tiled stone lined the streets - not even cracked. A guy in chainmail with a yellow tunic on top walked past. The city was on four terraced levels, with some slightly mucky houses below, and a castle on the one above. A fucking castle. Oh, and then there was the big huge cathedral dominating the profile of the downhill end, green-stained copper roof and everything. The entire settlement was ringed with stone ramparts, punctuated by towers. Beyond them was nothing but trees. Living trees. To the left were snow-capped mountains, and to the right was rolling hills, descending a slope into the green distance. I could make out a narrow white tower somewhere in the far distance. Another city that close?

The other thing that struck me was the smell. It was... fresh. Something sweet and faintly peppery formed the background scent on the cool air. A few thick green fibres blew into my face and gave me a spike of that smell. Was that what pine trees smelled like? Being used to the background odours of rot and rust and mud, I was overwhelmed with the cocktail of fruity, nutty, spicy smells coming from trace sources everywhere. I teared up a little.

"Are you alright?" Hobble shook me out of my daydream.

"Ah! Yes. You can see about forty percent mountains. That just about reaches the threshold."

"Good! Good. I'd ah... hate to have to change the name of the inn." I gave the living outdoors another look, and came back inside.

I sat down at the table with House and Stars. They were getting quite comfortable, but still looked utterly confused. House had even taken off his hat. I didn't realise his mane was that long. "What did you see out there?" I don't think I'd seen Stars that excited to talk to me since the tram in Manechester.

"S'just a bunch of trees and hills and stuff. Not that different to the Preak District really."

The excitement vanished. "Come on, Atom."

"It's like, some medieval city. You ever heard of Brumare?"

"Nope. I have absolutely no idea where we are."

I craned my neck over to the counter. "Oh, Mr. Hobo?"

Hobble ignored my malapropism and turned his attention from dealing with the cooks. "Yes, madame?"

"Do you have a map we can take a look at? We need to do a bit of route planning."

"There's a map of Sirediil on that wall, but that's the best we have I'm afraid."

"It should be fine. We just need the broad strokes." Stars floated the frame off the wall and over to the table. Hobble grimaced a bit, probably expecting us to get up and look at it, but fuck that, we had chairs and we were using them.

It looked like the map was mouth-drawn on parchment, with decorative mountains, trees and castles. Any map was going to be lost on me, but maybe Stars could make some sense of it. She screwed up her face and pulled off her glasses to examine it closely. I just made a quick scan of some of the names I was seeing. Sirediil, Imperial City, Skyrein, Corral, Hammerfoal... Stars sat back and replaced her glasses.

"Well?"

"I don't recognise any of these places."

House sighed. I shrugged and set down my bags. "I'm not complaining. Seems nice here." Hobble returned with a tray laden with bowls of fruit, soup and breads. "See?"

"To whet your appetites while the roast vegetables are cooking!"

Everyone looked at the food with a mixture of curious focus and slack-jawed awe. I took the initiative and picked up a piece of bread and took a great big bite. It was crusty and chewy and holy tits this was delicious and then I put it in the soup and took another bite and it was kind of hot but hot shit this is amazing. It was one hell of a change from food that passed its sell by date when my great-great-grandparents were pining for the peach orchards. Come to think of it, there might have been peaches in the fruit bowl for some added thematic bookending or some shit, but I couldn't tell, because I didn't know exactly what a peach looked like.

Hobble came over while we were stuffing our faces. "Would you ah... care for something to drink?"

"Uh, yeah, some of that..." House stalled.

I softened my voice. "Whatever it is that smells like angel's fire." He seemed suitably buttered up, because he went and poured ale into three generously sized steins and brought them over. None of us had any problem starting to drink at lunchtime. When in Roam...

For all I knew this could be a hideous dive, but for all we knew we were dining like kings. Once we'd had our fill, I told Hobble that he'd receive formal results of the inspection in the mail three to five working days after we got back to the office, and that just because the inspection was over he shouldn't let his standards slip, because sometimes we do double-inspections in quick succession to catch things like that. His forced grin persisted until well after we left. Another yellow tunicked guard passed us, giving me a curious second glance, before carrying on with his patrol. I tried the radio, but found nothing on any frequency.

"Y'know, now that I'm over the shock... I actually quite like this place." Stars went and sat on the edge of the terrace and looked out over the town. "It's civil. There's no war. No alicorns, no raiders, I... don't know about radiation, but it all looks pretty alive..." She looked down and chuckled. "Next thing y'know I'm gonna see Comet come around the corner." She sighed.

"Wouldn't you feel even a little bad about leaving the others behind?" House joined in the emo circlejerk. "I know my work back home is far from over."

"If they had the option, would they think twice about it?" He said nothing. "Hell, if they had to choose between having our help and putting us somewhere safe, what would they do?" He continued to say nothing. What the hell kind of personality type is 'reserved' anyway? "Y'know, Atom, even if you're reckless, impulsive, vindictive and alarmingly trigger-happy... you just seem to have this way of making things turn out for the best by sheer dumb luck." She looked around. "... Atom?"

At that point I was already somewhere downtown getting my bearings. I passed some general store, some clothes shop, then I went on the roves of the next level down and the guards told me to get down, and I didn't because fuck them, I do what I want. Then when I realised there was no way into some of these places without crawling down the chimney or breaking into an upper window I got down and found something called a fighter's guild and then something called a mages' guild. I went into the fighter's guild and it was the same kind of awkward as walking into a biker bar dressed in tweed, so I left pretty shortly afterwards. Some dude walked out of the mage's guild dressed in almost the same thing as Stars, just deep green with gold trim instead of deep grey with grey trim. Then I found a blacksmith, but I was still coughing up soot from Showffield so I didn't feel like going into it.

I noticed that all the guards I passed had only swords, chainmail, and metal helmets. There wasn't a single firearm in sight. The guards probably didn't even know what power armour looked like. There were an awful lot of earth ponies around, and even some of the colourfully dressed ponies hanging out by the mages' guild were earth ponies. Did they not get the memo, or were they just playing pretend? Didn't matter. I went back to the general store and cocked my gun.

I bucked the door open. Judging by the secondary thump and the shudder of the door, I must have knocked someone down with it. I shoved my way in and there was some chick passed out on the floor with a couple of others around her looking concerned. I pointed the gun at the unicorn behind the counter. "This is a stick-up!" Everyone just looked confused more than anything else.

"What... what is that?"

I responded by turning to some random pony and firing. The thing hit him on the side of the face. In half a second, he was on the floor, most of the flesh on that side of his face splattered around the room, and his skull shattered. Everyone started screaming. I pumped the thing again. "A saddlebag with all your money, now!"

Down the street, I can only imagine that House and Stars were still having their borderline emo conversation outside the Jennet-View-you-couldn't-see-the-Jennets-from. Then, I rushed overhead, firing darts behind me. Three of them hit, and two of them threw guards over the wall. "Stoh-" one of them panted. I reached the ramparts, double-backed, and swooped down to pick up my darts. I landed on top of the inn to reload. I slid the saddlebags full of gold coins on the roof, since they were heavy and made flying harder work than usual. I kicked off and glided away, sticking out my tongue at the pursuing guards. "Stop! You've violated the law!"

I could hear Stars' groan from on top of the mages' guild.

Level up! The results of hard work and dedication always look like luck. But you know you've earned every ounce of your success. Choose 3 attributes to increase! This is new

Strength

Intelligence

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Agility

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Endóran^Æ

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Lu£k

Guys, I think I broke it.