A Few Drinks with the Princess

by Flint-Lock

Chapter 1: The morning after

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Jack Ryan woke up on Celestia’s bed with the mother of all hangovers.

“Ugh…” The 25 year-old groaned, pulling off the tangled covers. He could see Princess Celestia sleeping right next to him, snoring with a sound very similar to a sawmill.

Jack rubbed his aching head. To say he felt like crap would've been like saying that a blast furnace was somewhat warm. It felt like someone had put his head in a vice and given it a few turns.
The last time he’d woken up like this, he’d had a toilet seat around his neck, a lampshade on his head, and a lipstick smiley face on his stomach

Something in Jack’s stomach decided it didn’t like its accommodations. The acid-filled sack decided to take up a career as a stunt plane.
"Crap!”. John felt hot bile rising in his throat. He threw himself off the bed. No time to find a toilet. He needed something to puke in. Fast.
John’s eyes darted around the room like a kid on a sugar high. He spotted an elaborately decorated vase by the wall. It was a beautiful piece of pottery, with a lovely blue glaze and inset gemstones.

It’d do.

Jack put a hand over his mouth and scrambled over to the vase. He shoved his face, his cheeks puffed out, and he expelled the contents of his digestive tract.
As Jack wiped vomit from his lips, he spotted a bathroom right next to the main entrance.
Well that woulda come in handy about two seconds ago. Jack groused. He plodded into the bathroom like a zombie looking for brains, and dipped his head into a water-filled marble basin. He swished some water around in his mouth and swallowed.
John slowly lifted his head and moaned. He needed aspirin, or at whatever these ponies used for aspirin. Then he needed a pot of coffee, some sunglasses and…

Jack got a glimpse of himself in a gold-framed mirror and did a double-take. What the fizzity-uck? He was almost completely naked! His only coverings were a gold chest plate, a golden tiara, and gold foot guards very similar to the Princess regalia...
Jack started. They were the Princess’ regalia! They’d been altered to fit his bipedal frame, but they were the exact same ornaments she’d been wearing when he’d arrived.
What the hell had happened last night?


John turned around. There, wearing a University of Washington sweatshirt and baseball cap, was Princess Celestia, throwing up in the same vase he’d used.

“Ohhh…” moaned the Princess of the Sun. The pure white alicorn raised her muzzle from the vase and slowly clopped over to the bathroom. She dipped her equine head into the basin and took a drink.

“You alright Princess?”

Celestia swished the water in her equine mouth and swallowed. She slowly rotated her head towards John. “Do I look alright?” The alicorn's normally vibrant mane was tangled and limp, its colors washed out and dull. Her impeccably groomed coat now resembled a tangled shag carpet, and her massive eyes looked like she’d been using lemon juice for eye drops.
No, she did not look alright.

The princess slowly clopped over to the front doors, clutching her head with a forehoof. She rapped on the door three times. One of the Solar Guard appeared.

“Yes, your Highness?”

“Fetch the royal apothecary. Tell him to prepare two doses of ground broc flower and xander root.” The guard started down the steps. ” Wait!“ The guard stopped. “While you’re at it, have the maids brew some tea and…“ Celestia turned her head towards Jack. “Do you want anything?“

“Coffee. Black as you can make it.”

“Good. Now please, hurry.”

The guard saluted. “At once your majesty!”

The door slammed shut, causing Celestia and Jack to wince. She looked at Jack and froze For a minute, the two beings just stared at each other, eyes bulging. Slowly, surely, the gears in their heads began to turn.

“Why are you wearing my regalia?”

“Why are you wearing my clothes?”

Celestia looked around. “Forget the clothes. What in tartarus happened to my bedroom?”

John looked around. To say that Celestia’s bedroom had been trashed would’ve been like saying that Dresden had been slightly inconvenienced by WWII. The carpeted floor was covered with bits of broken glass and empty bottles, as well copious amounts of spilled liquor. Nearly every piece of furniture in the room had been overturned, their priceless coverings splattered with what appeared to be custard, and were those holes in the wall ?

Jack looked at the bed. “Uh, your highness…”


Jack pointed at the bed and the princess’ jaw dropped like a bass note in a dubstep song. The bed was almost as bad as the rest of the room. The pillows had been shredded to pieces-it looked as though a flock of molting geese had settled down on the bed. The bed sheets had been tangled beyond recognition, stained with sweat and other…fluids.

The human and the alicorn just stared at each other, each trying their best to keep their cool. The awkwardness in the air was thick enough to swim in.

“Did we…?” Said Celestia.

“I…I guess so.”

A knock at the door mercifully interrupted their conversation. A unicorn butler entered with two cups and two vials of orange powder.

“Your tea, coffee, and powder, your highness.”

“Thank you.” The princess said. “You may go now.”

The butler left. The princess started stripping off the shirt, while Jack did the same with the regalia. Celestia slipped her ornaments back on; they definitely looked a lot better on her than they did on him. She then levitated a monogrammed bathrobe over to him. “Here.”

Jack slipped into the robe. Celestia set the tea service on the table and stirred some of the powder into her tea. Jack sat down and did the same with his coffee.

“So, Celestia.” John said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Any idea what happened last night?”

The princess held up a fore hoof. “First tea, then talk.”
The princess sipped her tea. Some of the color returned to her mane. “Ah…that’s much better.”

Jack took a sip of his coffee. Whatever the powder was, it was surprisingly sweet. Sorta like bitter
sugar. The minute it reached his stomach, his headache faded away like an old meme.

“So, Princess, you remember what happened last night?”

“I…think so. Hold on.” Celestia’s horn glowed for a few seconds. "There, that spell should help clear our heads"
Jack felt something relax in his head. It was as if his brain had just drunk its morning coffee.

Yes, I remember now…”

Next Chapter: The night before Estimated time remaining: 12 Minutes
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