He stepped into the curious saloon, wrapped in the remains of a ragged brown cloak he found along the way to the town that seemed like a cutout of an old Clint Eastwood movie. Grasped tightly in his strange claws was the long, slim, and powerful sharpened bone known as Fenrir’s Horn. He almost always had it in his grasp now. It was comforting, like a trusty walking stick.

The saloon was called the Salt Block. It made him smirk.

Gogurt kept walking forward, slightly hunched and steps muffled, not paying much of any attention to the seated patrons around him, . Having learned to avoid attention from his many encounters, it became a little easier to move about without frightening an entire city.

He took a seat at a bar stool and let out a great sigh, his warped voice whistling beneath armored skin and plates.

“Now, THAT’S the breath of a tired traveler.”

Gogurt glanced up at the source of the voice. It was the bartender. He was doing what most bartenders stereotypically tend to do: wiping already clean glasses.

“Tired is one word for it.” Gogurt rasped back.

The bartender smiled, crinkling aged laugh lines, “So where ya headed off to?”

“Ca… I’m just going somewhere up north. I’ve got Some business to tend to.”

“North, huh?” the bartender shrugged, “Best wishes on that, so what can I get ya?

Gogurt paused, waiting to ask the question that he had been so desperately to find a ‘yes’ to, as if he didn’t want to face the disappointment again. Whether it was the deprivation of fleshy protein or the corrosion of his mind, he put the question forth.

He finally asked slowly and deliberately, “Do you have any… meat?”

The very lively saloon ceased completely.

The bartender finally laughed again, suddenly shearing the weight off the atmosphere. That simple act was enough to cause the patrons to believe it was an innocent joke, thankfully.

“You must be one of those, uh… predatory griffin types?” the bartender peered closer into Gogurt’s hood, “Say, what manner of creature are you? Some kind of griffin?”

Gogurt slowly nodded, “Some kind of griffin.”

“Well, you look kinda strange for a—”

“—I’m a retarded, deformed griffin. And I mean really retarded. You do not want to see my face. I was actually in a freakshow for a little bit.”

The bartender’s ample mustache twitched a bit, “Well, alright then. Sorry Mr. Griffin, we don’t really get much of any carnivorous folks
down here, so we don’t keep a stock of meat. I can get ya some really nice apple pie, though, how about that? And just cause I couldn’t get ya whatcha wanted, the pie’s only five bits!”

“Another day without meat…” Fenrir moaned.

“Apple pie’d be fine, I suppose. And thank you!” Gogurt dug out five bits from a small satchel on his hip and placed them on the counter.

The traveler managed to snag some bits here and there along the way. He knew that he was going to need them if he wanted to eat.

The bartender took the cash and removed the glass lid of a pastry dish farther along the counter. He removed a slice of the decadent apple dessert and placed it on a plate, finishing it with a dollop of whip cream. He gave the plate to the hungry human and let him be.

It took every ounce of Gogurt’s will to not pounce upon the pie. He had not eaten in some days, and even a meatless pie was an oasis among a desert to him. Before he picked up the fork and knife, he remembered that the hood would only get in the way of the whipped
cream and crumbs.

Of course, he removed it.

And of course, the saloon stopped again.

The bartender began hyperventilating as his pupils shrank, “Well, that ain’t no griffin!”

And, again, of course, did Gogurt momentarily forget about the horn extending from his head, along with the bony plates that were now a malformed part of his face.

He felt the deep, rumbling movements beneath his cloak as the crowd began to draw the tension to it’s snapping point.

Gogurt slapped the cackling book under his robes, “You’ll laugh at anything, won’t you?”

“WHIIIIITE DEEEEEEEMOOOON!”

And then all Hell broke loose. Dishes were flying, tables were kicked over in the panic, and it would not be long until the town’s sirens blared.

“Here we go again…

"Heh heh..."

Lee was all too familiar with the various beeps and annoyances that clung to all sorts of medical scenes. There was the off putting scent of medicine and sterilized equipment in the air, congealing in certain areas and causing one’s nose to crinkle unpleasantly; the lights and rhythmic noises that lull awaiting family members and friends to a glazed state of bleary boredom, and the utter monotony that stayed despite the fact that at that very moment, scraps of lives were being meticulously scrounged from the ravaged states of all kinds of patients. At least he was not the one in the white sheets, for once.

That thought did not do much to make him feel any better.

He looked down at the gray Pegasus in the sheets, seemingly enjoying simple sleep. Unfortunately, she had not woken up from that deceptive slumber ever since she arrived on the wheelbarrow. Lee’s equine (and one reptilian) friends crowded around the sides of her bed, watching on with downcast eyes, or in Fluttershy’s case, a nearly bursting bank of tears. Lee stood off to the side slightly, not sure of where to be or what to do, considering he did not even know of Ditzy until she turned up the other night.

Twilight turned her head towards the nurse who accompanied the party, “Have the doctors confirmed what happened to her?”

The nurse in question was folding sheets in the corner. She set down the last sheet and sighed, “It’s just what we thought: Changeling feeding.”

Everyone gasped, with the exception of Lee and the nurse.

“But, Chrysalis and all her bugs have been trapped in her castle, for like, forever now!” Dash protested, “I mean, we were the ones that kinda did that.”

The nurse shrugged and continued, “Either way, I’ve never seen a Changeling feeding end up with such severe effects. She must have been drained of love for, well, Celestia knows how long!”

The bit about the love drain struck Lee’s attention.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Twilight persisted with a pleading tone, “Like, a spell or…”

“No spells can replenish the lost love,” the nurse said with a shake of her head, “the only option is to keep feeding her love and hope that she’ll have enough energy to wake up.”

Pinkie took a deep breath, “Then I’ll have to throw the longest, bestest, most spectacular coma party I’ve ever thrown.”

“Hold on,” Lee interjected as he raised his hand, “are you saying that this horse is in a coma because she’s… out of love?”

“We explained to you how the Changelings feed, Lee,” Twilight explained, “this is just like that.”

Lee gave a brief chuckle, “No I mean that you can actually slip into a coma if you lose too much love?”

Spike grimaced, “Apparently.”

“And so we have to give her love so that she’ll wake up?”

The nurse nodded, “That’s the gist of it, why?”

Lee pursed his lips and looked away, having a brief pause before saying, “I don’t like where this is going.”

The door of the ward clicked open, causing entire group to turn their heads towards it, momentarily forgetting Lee’s issue. A brown Earth Pony stallion wearing a doctor’s coat walked in, humming a muffled, cheery tune as he carried a clipboard in his mouth. He spat the clipboard down upon Ditzy’s bed.

The doctor snorted, “Ugh, I don’t know why I decided to spend almost a decade in school for a job that would require me to hold so much stuff.” he then looked at the visiting party with a big smile, “Hello! I’m Dr. Euthanasia! I’ve been the scalpel jockey looking over Ditzy since her stay here!”

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow, “Dr. Euthanasia?”

The doctor prodded Ditzy’s unmoving body with an absent hoof, “Yes, the four syllables make it awkward to say, I know. But it’s a family name.”

Lee nodded approvingly, “That’s pretty f*cking metal.”

“Anyways,” Dr. Euthanasia crooned, “I’ve got some heavy billing to do, and I’m sure you’re all very busy, so I’ll go ahead and tell you the treatment for this… love loss. We’ll have you stationed by her side for a minimum of twelve hours everyday, working in shifts of four hours, each of you providing all the love and good vibes you can to insure a steady recovery. I’ll bill you all later, because, I mean, it’s not like she can pay for it, am I right?”

The lengthy love sessions made everyone in the room blanch.

“Twelve hours a day?!” Applejack cried, “Ah can’t make love for that long! I’ve got an orchard to manage, and Big Mac can’t work, he hurt his back running from them zombies!”

Lee gritted his teeth, “It’s just too f*cking easy.”

The doctor held up his hoof and closed his eyes, “I foresaw conflicting schedules, but I prepared for this. We can simply hire out strangers to make love to Ditzy as she sleeps.”

“With strangers?” Rarity asked with genuine concern, “But won’t she need protection?”

Lee’s lip quivered, “I’m not gonna say it, you dirty motherf*ckers..!”

Pinkie bounced from hoof to hoof, “Oh, oh, wait! If she needs protection, we should all bring costumes and toys and all make love together in one big party!”

CRAAAASSSHHHHH!

Everyone ducked as fragments of glass showered the ward, sending sprinkling, tinkling shards of laceration over their heads and into their hair.

Twilight brushed the glass out of her mane and scowled at Lee, flushing air from her nostrils, “Lee, what did I tell you about throwing furniture through glass windows!”

Lee stomped forward and pushed his face towards Twilight’s, “And what did I tell you about being such a deviant-sex-whorse?!”

Twilight’s rage and tensed muscles relaxed in favor of immediate confusion, “Wh… what?”

“You heard me, you glass of grape-flavored orgy fluid!”

“Lee…” Twilight sighed and chose to put the matter behind her, otherwise she might burst into flames again. “Just… listen. Ditzy needs all of our help and love in order to get back to her… well, ditzy self. And throoOOOWING ARMCHAIRS isn’t helping.”

Dr. Euthanasia rolled his eyes, “I’ll just add that to your unpayable bill. Like I was saying, all of you, close friends and family of Ditzy’s, and possible strangers, are all going to have to take part of a mechanized system of feeding her love through established time slots and predetermined activities commonly known to foster love, such as reading to her or paying off her exorbitant bill. It’d be great if we could get that paid now. Keeping a comatose patient alive is expensive. Show some love, ponies.”

“Hold on.”

Everypony groaned, dreading another pointless remark from Lee, bound to cause him to spit some expletives and maybe throw a table or two.

“Wouldn’t a cold system of making ponies stay for hours out of their schedule to ‘produce love’ only going to make no love at all? I mean, then it’s just a job no one gets paid for, and no one likes that.”

“Actually, my dear human, that…” the doctor’s mouth hung open wordlessly as the implications of the treatment circled through his head again, “... oh HORSEFEATHERS! I spent, like, three hours brainstorming this treatment!”

Spike shrugged, “Well, as long as we keep visiting and caring for Ditzy, it should still be fine, right?”

Rarity smiled and ruffled his spikes, inducing a glazed state similar to the one on the bed, “Spikey-Wikey is right, we should just keep in mind to love Ditzy as we would any other day and not view it as a chore.”

“Okay, okay, okay, um, hold on,” the doctor tapped the floor with his hoof repeatedly, “okay I got it! Visit and bring flowers, and, um, all that dumb stuff, but don’t force yourself to come otherwise it’s worthless, and don’t NOT come at all because then the love factor might wane… alright, I think this’ll work. This all looks ready and billable, you can all leave now.”

“Wait a minute,” Rainbow Dash stared at the doctor in the eye with a nostril flared, “how the hay are you going to put a price on love?”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll figure out a way. Now leave, all of you. This room is cramped enough as it is. Go home.”

Dr. Euthanasia shooed them out into the hallway muttering about budget cuts and smelly visitors.

Applejack chuckled as she looked over her shoulder, “Ah tell ya’, that doc’s the one who needs treatment.”

Everyone chuckled at the jibe as they walked towards the stairs, except Lee who merely grunted.

Lee frowned as he recalled their previous conversation, prior to the doctor’s entrance, “So what’s all this shit about Changeling feedings then, if the Queen is trapped?”

“Maybe there were some stragglers or solo Changelings running around?” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“It doesn’t seem likely,” Twilight pursed her lips, “Changelings operate as a unit, soloes don’t show up… I hope. With all this crazy stuff happening nowadays, who knows what’s possible!”

Rarity hummed as she thought, “Either way, it couldn’t hurt to see if that dastardly Chrysalis is still cooped up in that castle, right?”

Fluttershy held her head low, “Another danger filled journey. Yaaaaay…”

They exited the hospital and entered the snow powdered Ponyville outside. Hearth’s Warming had passed some days ago, but that did not do anything to lessen the spirits of the denizens of the village, or the whole country for that matter. After all, once the holiday decorations go down, the New Year’s preparations go right up. And the new year would cross over right when the clock struck twelve, this day.

There were even more streamers, more balloons, and more banners. Fillies and colts ran about the town and between Lee’s legs, carrying blistering sparklers in their mouths. There also was a great influx of fireworks vendors selling their wares in Ponyville. They fostered friendly competition among each other, trying to out-yell each other’s sales pitches, and there was only the occasional brawl, although the involvement of fireworks made the fights a bit more volatile than usual.

While they enjoyed the festive scene of the town, Spike doubled over in guttural pain. He dropped to his knees in the crunchy snow and gripped his stomach before letting out a long and agonizing magic belch.

The flaming letter flitted to Twilight’s startled face before completely unfurling. Eight pieces of wrapped chocolate fell to the ground when the letter fully opened.

Spike pointed at the offending pieces, “Those are NOT meant to go out my throat like that! How did she forget AGAIN?”

Lee knelt to Spike’s level and said, “She forgot because she’s a bitch-nigga.”

“Looks like Chrysalis is going to have to wait, everypony.” Twilight floated the letter to her friends and unveiled the contents, eliciting a sharp gasp from each of them (again, with the exception of Lee. He just grunted.)

Attached to the letter was a series of newspaper clippings. Each of the clippings were headlines and their respective pictures. The first of which said:

Another said:

The rest of the articles followed the same general format regarding the cultists and zombies.

“Princess Celestia and Luna needs all of us to head to Canterlot immediately,” Twilight said with a furrowed brow and gravity, her voice seeming to grow more and more accustomed to being a leader, “she says that chaos is starting to brew in Canterlot from this mess. Things need to be addressed.”

“Now?” Rarity blustered out, “But, we haven’t even packed, or gotten a train ticket for that matter!”

“Rarity, Ah don’t think luggage is priority right now.” Applejack explained in monotone.

Twilight abruptly bucked Spike onto his usual mount ather back, “This stupid crown should merit a couple of tickets for an emergency at the very least. We’ve got no time to lose, to the train station!”

Lee hopped on Fluttershy’s back, receiving an “eep!” as he shouted, “H’YAAH, BITCH!”

And they all galloped off towards adventure… or was it horror? Probably both.

The train rumbled and grumbled while busy passengers strolled about, burdening the cabs with their luggage and comfortable weight. Whistles and toots blasted through the air as the locomotive chugged across the tracks, steadily making its way towards the mountain-hanging city of Canterlot. In a certain cabin of this train was the intrepid party of the Elements of Harmony and their two male compatriots.

One of whom who was incredibly sick.

“Guys.. this is it. I’m gonna die, guys.” Lee slumped further down into the well padded seat, slowly sinking in a state of sick-induced depression.

“I think you’ll be fine, Lee,” Twilight said dismissively, “just rest up, we’ve got to be in tip-top condition for the probable craziness Princess Celestia has prepared for us.”

“Which is what, again? All she said is that, ‘things’, need to be addressed.” Rainbow Dash asked as she poked Lee’s motionless body.

Twilight took a deep breath, “No idea, but if Princess Celestia needs us, it must be important.”

“Or it could be just another tedious friendship mission!” Pinkie said with a laugh.

Lee whined in his stupor, “Gaaaaay… this is all sooOOOO GAAAAAAY.”

Rarity, sitting across from Lee and therefore receiving full view of his pitiful state, suggested, “Maybe a little snack ought to take your mind off the illness?”

“Only if you want me to vomit all over you...”

“Egads!” Rarity gasped, “Maybe you should, uh, wash your face, dear?”

Applejack turned her face away, “No offense, sugarcube, but maybe you oughta put some deo on while you’re at it? Ya got that sick pony smell…”

Lee groaned and shakily got to his feet, “You’re all just a bunch of jealous bitch-niggas.” he trudged towards the door leading to the backend of the train, and ultimately, the bathroom.

When the door slammed shut behind him, Rarity stood up and trotted to the other door, “Well, if he doesn’t want to eat anything, that is not going to stop me from attacking those delicious cream puffs!” Rarity’s horn briefly shined as she opened the door.

Rarity politely closed the door quietly and strode through the next cabin. During her stroll through the cabin, she noticed that all of the ponies were being disturbingly quiet, and they all bore an expression of hidden terror. One particular passenger stood out to her. This Earth Pony stood out due to his unnerving stare into Rarity’s eyes and complete lack of fear. Of course, the black robe he was wearing was quite suspicious as well.

“You can’t stop it.” he whispered.

Rarity stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “I beg your pardon?”

“Perdition will rain on all,” he laughed, “and you are but an insect screaming at an ocean!”

Rarity rolled her eyes, “I swear, ponies nowadays are soooooo overdramatic.”

*click

“Eh?” Rarity’s head snapped back to her front, where an old, scowling, grey Unicorn stallion with heavy stubble glared at her. He was wearing a purple pinstriped suit, and a lighter emblazoned with a flaming donkey skull hung from his collar.

His horn glowed grey, and a slim stiletto knife floated out of his shirt pocket.

He held the point fast against Rarity’s quivering neck and growled, “Get back to your cab, and don’t make any sudden movements.”

Rarity snorted before releasing a hearty guffaw, “I say, if you truly believe that little sticker is enough to intimidate me then…” and she charged her horn to release a great concussive blast! “...eh?” but the horn inhibitor clipped around her spike only caused a shower of twinkling spikes.

She gulped, feeling the blade press a little bit harder, “... I suppose that’s sufficient intimidation, thank you very much!”

The stallion cackled when he felt Rarity tremble on the blade, “COME ON OUT, boys! We’ve got an Element!”

Hoots and sneering cheers ripped through the air as more Unicorns and even mules, wearing the same type of outfit, poured into the cabin. They brandished their various weapons and gave the passengers their most convincing menacing mafioso looks.

The stallion pointed towards the cab holding the rest of Rarity’s friends, “Time to take the rest of the Elements, boys!”

“YEAHAAAH!”

They rallied behind the Unicorn as he held Rarity hostage with his stiletto. The Unicorn charged into the next cabin, throwing the door open with a quick shine from his horn.

He abruptly stopped galloping, since the sight before him was enough to baffle even the most experienced criminals.

“What the hay is this?!”

There were the Elements and Spike, all bound, gagged, and held with a spear point to their throat by an ample gang of black cloak clad cult ponies. One of the cultists wore a large deer skull on her head, along with having her robe decorated with red stripes. She appeared to have the same slack-jawed expression as the Unicorn who held Rarity hostage.

“Excuse me!” the Earth Pony in black robes from the other cabin squeezed under the Unicorn to gallop to the cultist’s side. “I was on the wrong cab, sorry. What’d I miss?”

The skull wearing cultist mare, who seemed to be the leader, gulped and scratched her neck, then saying in a disarmingly plain voice, “Well, this is kinda awkward.”

“Oh don’t tell me…” the Unicorn smacked the wall with his hoof, “you’re hijacking this train too?!”

“Gee, I don’t know,” the cult leader sarcastically droned, “we’re just having a hardcore S&M party—OF COURSE we’re hijacking this train! And, to be fair, I think you all should leave and let us do our thing. Seriously, we only have enough room on the trainjack cab for the hostages and us, so you'll probably be destroyed by the Oncoming Horde.”

The Unicorn scoffed, “Oncoming wha...? N.. No way! Us Asses of Fire were here first, so if anything, YOU should be the ones to get off!”

Skull mare stepped widely forward, “Can you prove that you were here first? Yeah, didn’t think—”

Papers flew into her face, thrown by the other gang. She took the documents, and read that, indeed, the Asses of Fire had a written schedule for a trainjacking… and it was notarized.

The Unicorn smirked, “Can you prove anything?”

“There’s no way we’re leaving either!” she shrieked, “I am a Blood Horn of the Children of Perdition, and I declare that our trainjacking is more important than your simple act of crime!”

“Yeah!” a cracking voice in the cult’s numbers shouted, “And we even brought our own trainjacking cab and everything! That took, like, forever to set up and getting it off is gonna take even longer!”

“Oh yeah?” the Unicorn challenged, “I’m Baby Flank, and I just stole two of your Element hostages!”

“Wait, what?” the Blood Horn looked to her right, and like Baby Flank said, Twilight and Rainbow Dash had disappeared and reappeared to the hooves of the Asses of Fire.

She turned completely to berate her group, “Why wasn’t anyone watching them?!”

“Blood Horn, mam, they’re getting away!” the same cracking voice pointed out.

The Blood Horn sputtered and shot a hoof to the door, “Wha, s-s-stop them!”

Unfortunately, when the cultists reached the cabin door, it was thrown open again, slamming many of the cultists into the wall. A thick stream of mafiosos burst through, racing towards the remaining important hostages.

“Oh no you don’t!” Blood Horn removed a handful of white powder from her robe and scattered it over herself and the hostages, before chanting strange words, “Ema sneen o shedi…”

Right as it seemed the two gangs would collide in a great bloody mess, the Asses of Fire simply passed through as if they were not even there!

“Quickly, flank them, and show no quarter!” Blood Horn cried with a booming laugh.

Baby Flank saw the imminent danger but kept running, opening the door to the next cabin and yelling, “MOVE! Just go to the next cabin! THAT goes for the rest of you, split up and take over the train CABIN by CABIN! THIS train is OURS! And KEEP looking for what we came here for! It's worth more than all of you put together!”

“If you want war,” Blood Horn cackled, “then war you shall have!”

The cultists cheered their leader on, “YEAAH, TRAIN WAR!!!”

Then there was Twilight, who found herself squirming between a fighting body of cultists and mafiosos.

She eventually worked the gag off, and screamed, “Why does this stupid stuff only happen to us?!”

“Stupid things happen to everypony, Twilight!”

“AAaagh! Wait…. Pinkie? How did you get free?”

Pinkie lay curled up next to Twilight, crammed due to the congested fighting, but with no bindings in sight.

She giggled at Twilight’s question, “You think this is the first time I’ve been tied up and gagged?”

Twilight pulled a face, “I… am not going to answer that. Can you take this horn inhibitor and rope off? I mean, those cultists said they put a charm on the train, so I can’t really do much about magic, but some magic is better than none.”

“Yup!” Pinkie reached up to remove a miniature pastry knife from her great poof of a mane and set about sawing the ropes, “But, what about Lee? He’s still super sick and, like, a bajillion cabins away!”

Twilight blanched, “Oh no! He’s already in… wait… this gives me an idea.”

Meanwhile another hapless hero was facing a peril of his own in the very same train.

Lee loomed over the abused the toilet, his drumming head unable to formulate a thought other than the idea of sweet release from this horrible affliction. His nose sniffled and ran pitifully, his eyes bleary and bloodshot by his exhausted brain.

“I… I think. I think I’m okay. Please, God, let me be okay…”

Lee staggered back and floundered towards the handle of the flusher. He found the lever and gave it a push. The ominous bubbling and lack of flushing that followed told the human to leave the small bathroom immediately.

Lee nearly fell over as he blew the doors open and ran out. He leaned onto the nearby padded seats for balance, waiting until his severe nausea diminished.

Then he felt the prick of a knife touch the back of his head, along with a voice whispering, “Where you think you’re going, freak?”

Lee, in his blight-stricken state, barely registered what was said.

He could only respond by spinning around and swatting the air, “Eeeggghhh...” and his blind swipe incidentally knocked the knife out of the grasp of the donkey mafioso. The momentum of the swing then caused Lee to keep spinning, lose his balance, and...

“What the—”

… fall directly upon the donkey, knocking him flat on the ground.

Lee rolled off, rose to his feet, and kept walking, “Uungh.” towards the cab he left his friends in.

He opened the next cab and found more donkeys and Unicorns clad in pinstriped suits, but this time they were having a brawl with strange ponies swathed in black cloaks who were casting spells, pouches, and powders back at the other gang.

Due to the confusion, he was simply able to shakily stumble and flop through through the crowd, garnering no attention at all. That was until he got to the next cab.

The second he opened the door, all eyes were on him, cultists and mafiosos alike.

A Unicorn stepped forward, waving a nailed bat in his face, “You better sit down freak! You’re our hostage now!”

“S...stop waving that in my face..” Lee pleaded as the motions of the bat and train stirred a rumbling in his stomach.

“Nuh-uh,” a staff wielding cultist said, “this human is ours! The Children of Perdition would not be here if not for him, so he’s OURS!”

“You can take that up with my bat..” the Unicorn warned.

“Guys… seriously.” Lee begged as the rumbling began to rise to his throat.

The cultist grunted and shoved his face towards Lee, “Oh, will you give it a—”

“—BLUUUUUUUERRGEEGHHH!”

The unleashed torrent of semi-digested food blasted in an unrelenting stream into the horrified cultist’s face, the splash reaching all other denizens of the train cab.

Lee finally stopped vomiting after five whole seconds of emptying his stomach and fell against the wall, all of his stomach fluids spent on the trainjackers.

“I feel so much better… oh man.”

The cultist danced and writhed in pure disgust, screaming as the contents slithered down every inch of his being, “EEEeeeewwww it’s all over my robes and smells like rotten cheese!”

The Unicorn attempted to get away, “Don’t touch me then!”

The cultist shook his head as the scent caused his throat to convulse, “I think… I think I’m gonna… oh no…” and then he turned around to spew the exact same liquids upon the mafioso.

The Unicorn attempted to scrub the fluids off his face and suit, “GROSS! GROSS! WHY DID YOU… BLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAK!” yet he decided to do the same exact thing to another Asses of Fire member.

The chain reaction of vomit continued on, until the whole floor was slick with the chunky mess, which then caused ANOTHER chain reaction of slipping and falling into the filth. At some point, a cultist mare and mafia stallion started weeping from the shame and filth of it all.

The door to the next cab opened while this sad debacle occurred, but not by a cultist or Ass of Fire, it was none other than Twilight Sparkle!

“Lee, we need to get moving!”

“Grape-whorse?” Lee mumbled.

“Yes, now come on!”

Lee stumbled and stepped over the slippery bodies of the gag-covered criminals, being careful not to end up like those poor souls.

He finally reached Twilight and gave her a great, long hug, “Yaaayy I kinda not really missed you… Twilight, what the f*ck is going on?”

Twilight patted him back and sighed, “It’s a double train-jacking, and now they can’t stop fighting each other over it! It’s some cult and the Asses of Fire.”

“Asses of what now?”

“It’s a mafia syndicate made up of donkeys and Unicorns, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is taking this train back and stopping them! Hop on my back.”

Lee carefully mounted Twilight, and once she was sure he was secure, she began galloping through the cabins at breakneck speeds. All around them were cultists and mafiosos, all laid out on the floor in nauseated pain.

Lee grimaced, “Did we already win?”

“When Pinkie got me free,” Twilight began to explain with an excited grin, “I had to find a way to stop all the fighting and incapacitate the two gangs, but I couldn’t use any major spells because of the stupid charms. Soooo, I casted a vertigo prank spell!”

“Is that why they all started stomach blastin’ each other back there?” Lee asked.

Twilight laughed, “Actually I hadn’t even been in that cabin yet. That was all you.”

“I think I got throw up on my shoes..”

“Oh that… hey it’s getting on my coat!”

The party rejoined in the cabin they first found themselves in, freed and ungagged. They managed to get the conductor to stop the train until they figured out what the situation required, although Canterlot was very nearby now. The party had the train still for a couple of hours since, so that they could properly corral the cultists and mafiosos. The two leaders of the invading gangs lay on the ground, tied together in the same bindings. Now that all the fighting and jacking was done with, and interrogation was in order.

Rainbow Dash planted a hoof on Baby Flank’s chest, “So why’d ya do it, huh?! Was it a sick process of satisfying the need for pain and pleasure all at the same time?!”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Rainbow, you really need to cut back on those gritty murder mystery books..”

Baby Flank groaned and tried to keep his head straight as he answered, having no will left to keep his reasons to himself, “The ffffiiiire…..fireworks. There’s top quality fireworks somewhere in this train.”

“You’re robbing a train for fireworks…” Lee threw his hands in the air, “I’m done.”

“NNnnnnooo you idiot! These top notch fireworks are going to CANTERLLLOOOT. The nobles realllly spppluurrged… these Neighponese fireworks have been refined for decades… worth more than diamonds… ooh, there’s also the ransom money for the hostages.”

“The fireworks are worth way more than thaaaaaat! I should know, I’m the one who brought them!” Pinkie Pie stopped and her eyes widened, then she let out a big groan, “Well, I’m hours late for my delivery for Canterlot now, so all that money might as well be down the drain!”

Spike cocked his head to the side, “Soooo you brought a bunch incredibly expensive explosives onto a train full of dozens of ponies?”

Pinkie shrugged, “When you reeaaaally think about it, trains are a chugging bomb, so it’s not really a big deal… I mean, I had to sneak ‘em on, but whatever.”

“It’s still really f*cking stupid.” Lee lightly slapped the mafioso’s face, “I hope you’re happy, because now you’re the biggest dumbass in fake-mafia history. They’re probably gonna kill your family.”

“Lee!” Twilight chided.

“OKAY, they’ll probably just kill you.”

RD smacked her other hoof against the Blood Horn’s skull headdress, “Your turn, you powder tossing weirdo!”

Blood Horn only laughed. It was a strange, deep, warped laugh that seem to cause the train to shake.

She spoke, but when she spoke, it was as if a different voice had strangled her own, “The deed is already done.”

The entire cabin fell silent as her twisted cackle permeated their very thoughts.

Fluttershy put her head down and whimpered, “Why does that sound so scary?”

“This train itself was our goal!” the Blood Horn exclaimed, “We were merely rounding up the hostages into the trainjacking cab so that no slave would be ripped to shreds by the Oncoming Horde!”

Twilight squeezed the bonds tighter, making the cultist hack and cough, “Keep. Talking.”

The Blood Horn kept smiling, “Us Children of Perdition needed this train. With a train like this, the Oncoming Horde could traverse the nation with ease, spreading the horror and dread gospel of our Master! All towns and cities would be at mercy from the possibilities of this moving forretress! The TERROR EXPRESS!”

“And what was this about an ‘Oncomin’ horde’?” Applejack asked with flared nostrils.

“A ravenous undead band of pirates and bandits and other dead terrors,” Blood Horn shouted in dramatic intonations, “an ancient summon only capable of the most accomplished necromancers! All made possible by the glorious empowerment of our Master! The Oncoming Horde was summoned on the overpass of the mountain ahead, just below Canterlot, yet very near, and they will swoop down, and they will tear all life on this train to pieces, and now it’s far too late to evacuate anyone! Even now, I can feel their twisted souls racing towards this machine...” her voice died down, needing breath to continue on, “You’ve already doomed us all..”

Fluttershy’s tears splashed onto the floor as she openly wailed. Rarity ran to console her, although the task looked impossible now. She looked to Twilight with a face of utter hopelessness.

Spike's eye twitched, "That.. uh... this doesn't too good..."

“Can’t we send a message to Celestia or something?!” Rainbow Dash yelled while she looked out the windows, searching for signs of the Oncoming Horde.

Spike shrugged, “That charm won’t let anything in or out! And those cultist jerks jammed some kind of magic-junk down my mouth, now I can’t even breathe fire!”

“You kept burning us!” the bound cultist with the cracked voice said.

Lee exhaled loudly, the incredulous events only making his ailment worse, “Can’t you call those assholes back?”

Blood Horn snarled in his face, “I have not the resources OR time to halt the Oncoming Horde, and even if… oh my, we’re all going to die!! I can hear them right now!” her high and mighty airs disappeared as she realized the soonness of her own mortality.

“There they are!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Lee glanced out the window to see that in the far off distance, stampeding on the rails of the train, were ragged figures of ponies, griffins, diamond dogs, and some other unidentifiable monsters, clad in rotting flesh and rusted steel. The looks in the yellow eyes of the monsters spoke uncontrollable bloodlust and hunger. It was far too late for any help now; they would be upon the locomotive in a matter of minutes.

Lee could not believe this morbid reality. By attempting to save the train and all those who rode upon it, they only cemented certain death for the innocent ponies. He glanced at Twilight, who happened to be mired deep in thought.

“Yo, my little whorse?” Lee called to her in a shaky voice.

Twilight closed her eyes, “Alright, I know what I have to do. First, this charm needs to go.”

The Blood Horn shook her head, “It’s t-t-too late! We’re all gonna d-d-die—”

“JUST DO IT!”

Everyone was taken aback by Twilight’s booming command, and it was apparently enough for the cult officer.

She spoke more of those guttural, eldritch words, swaying as she chanted, “Infa echter lodotha… frimos!”

The sound of broken, spectral glass poured over the train once the last words left her mouth.

Twilight nodded and turned to her friends, “Be ready, I’m going to teleport everypony on this train to Canterlot.

“What?!” they all shouted in unison.

“I know, I know,” Twilight said, “that’s ridiculous, it’ll never work, blah blah blah. We don’t really have a choice here, and there’s too much at risk if we wait any longer.”

“Do you even have enough magic jizz for that?” Lee asked incredulously.

Twilight grimaced, “Weeeeell, I don’t know. But, I’m an Alicorn now, I might as well see how far these new powers will get me. Now, don’t disturb me everypony, and you MIGHT wanna stand back.”

Everyone complied and slowly stepped back to give Twilight the room she needed to provide their salvation from certain mutilation and death.

She closed her eyes tightly, and her horn began to glow and thrum. The thrumming grew louder and louder, becoming so violent that the train trembled under the sheer pressure. Spouts of sparks and light started to blister from Twilight’s blazing spike. She opened her eyes now, both shining completely white as the pure magic filled every pore of her being, the caliber of the arcane intensity causing her to slowly levitate off the ground. The train shook even harder now, squealing and groaning, as if an earthquake was occurring beneath the rails.

Lee stumbled as the trembling took him off his feet, “It feels like the whole motherf*cking train is gonna fall apart!”

Then it all stopped. EVERYTHING stopped, even time itself.

And then a purple and cobalt blue singularity tore through space, warping and sucking everypony into the black hole before their screams could even transmit into the ripped space.

And then they were spat out by the teleportation of impossible magnitude, right at the city gates of Canterlot, all safe and sound.

Twilight’s legs trembled and quivered before she fell to the ground, panting, completely exhausted by the absurd accomplishment.

Then roars and applause berated the night skies, everyone happy to just be alive and not eviscerated by an undead gang of demonic mutilators.

Lee picked Twilight up and swung her about, “TWILIGHT, THAT WAS SO F*CKING METAL! IT WAS COMPLETELY BADASS! Like, just, HOLY SHIT!” He sat the dizzy alicorn down and grabbed her by the shoulders, “YOU LITERALLY CREATED A BLACK MOTHERF*CKING HOLE!”

“What Lee said!” Applejack cheered.

“It was the coolest thing, EVER!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she whirled above Twilight.

Rarity hugged Twilight, “I concur! You must be the most magical pony in all of Equestria, nay, the WORLD!”

“Aaannnd they took the train.” Pinkie said in monotone, “Well, there goes all my fireworks.... and my deposit.”

Like Pinkie Pie said, the Oncoming Horde had now reached the train below them. They seemed to be roaring in disappointment during their sweep of the locomotive, as if they were disappointed by the lack of flesh to rip.

“Even though I managed to get us all out of here alive,” Twilight sadly explained, “the Oncoming Horde now has a train that goes through all of Equestria, and that means they can attack any town they want. This still doesn’t feel like a win to me...”

Pinkie Pie shook her head and removed a single button device from her mane, “It’s too bad I’ll never get to use that awesome, spectacular show of awesome spectaculariness. At least this saves the trouble of digging all the fireworks out from all the cabins. I guess...”

Spike brought a claw to his lip and thought for a brief second, “Pinkie, can I see that?”

The deflated pony shrugged, and handed Spike the remote detonator. Spike proudly held the detonator out, and pressed the big, red, button.

The entire train exploded, bursting into a beautiful kaleidoscope of multi-color flames and concussive force, blowing the train to shreds and scattering the shredded bones and flesh morsels of the Oncoming Horde to the winds, all while shooting rockets of gunpowder and chemicals into the star-studded night, showering the sky with crackling patterns of sparks and colors.

Spike smiled, “Heh.”

Lee grunted, “Happy New Year, I guess…”

There was a brief silence to admire the show and the victory.

Then Twilight ultimately summed the entire experience in a single statement, "This really sucked."

Author's Notes:

Ungh.

I finally updated.

This is probably paced TERRIBLY