“We’re having a party and you aren’t invited,” said Twilight.

I shrugged. “Okay.”

“You don’t want to come? I would have thought you would.”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you even what to know why you weren’t invited?”

“Fine. Why?”

“It’s a Pony Pet Playdate Party, and you don’t have a pet.”

“I don’t want a pet.”

“Arg!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I can’t even antagonize you correctly! Why are you always such a problem, Valiant?”

I grinned. “I can spot trolls a mile off. You failed before you even started.”

“I was just trying to show you what a pain you can be sometimes.”

I shrugged. “I know what I pain I can be sometimes. What you need to do is show my why I shouldn’t be." Changing the subject, I said, "Here, stand still.”

I ran a large magnet over her body. It didn’t pick up anything.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh nothing. Robot check.”

“You think I’m a robot?”

“Let's just say that I had my suspicions.”

“Well, I’m going to the party now. Come on, Owloysius.”

She and the owl departed. Having nothing better to do, I decided to follow up on Hoofnmouth Industries. I went across town to their place. As it turned out, they made clockwork. Not even clocks, just the works. I figured that in time they could eventually grow into a robot company, but it might take a while. More evidence that the Twi-bot was from the distant future.

I asked about their new construction in Las Pegasus, and was told that they would be moving there soon.

“If you’re moving, can I buy your building?” I asked. I didn’t have the bits to purchase it outright, but for some reason the bank was willing to give me some help. A contract was quickly drawn up, and suddenly I found myself with a mortgage.

I didn’t tell anyone that I was taking over the office. My master plan of cornering the Equestrian petroleum market had to proceed in secret. Hopefully the money would start rolling in soon.

Walking back, I found Rainbow doing the drill sergeant thing on a group of animals lined up in front of her. The other ponies were nearby.

“So, you all think you've got what it takes to be my pet, do you? Well, we'll just see about that! There's only room on Team Dash for one of you, and my future pet needs to be able to take it to the extreme! Any questions?”

“Ah got one,” said Applejack quietly to Twilight. “Does she understand what a pet really needs?”

“Yeah, like care and attention, love and affection.”

“Ferocious claws wouldn’t hurt,” I said. “Guard pets are cool.”

“What are you afraid of?” said Twilight.

“If I had a badass pet, nothing.” I walked into the library to get some lunch. Rainbow continued to grill the animals. I wished she would literally grill them. The only thing in Twilight’s refrigerator was salad.

A little later, Rainbow had narrowed down the field. Her final test was a race, against her, through Ghastly Gorge. With nothing better to do, I decided to go along. I gave the other ponies a ride out there in the helicopter.

Rainbow got the animals ready to race. “I've flown through there like a million times myself, so, obviously I'll be at the front of the pack. But whichever of you make it across the finish line with me will get to be my pet!”

The other ponies wanted to wait at the finish line, so I dropped them off and went back in the helicopter to watch the race from up close. I had to admit, even with me in the machine, Rainbow was hard to keep up with, and I don’t even think she was flying as fast as she could.

Suddenly, hideous snake-like things burst out of holes in the quarry walls. I was probably flying closer to the action than I should have been, and when I saw giant gaping mouths snapping at the helicopter I jerked the control stick hard to get out of the way.

“Damn what an ugly—”

One of them smacked face-first into the tail rotor. The helicopter spun out of control, and I added power, trying to climb out of the gorge before something terrible happened.

Of course, I was too late. There was a chinkchinkchink noise as the tips of the rotor blades scraped the rock walls. One of them sheared off and the helicopter plunged to the bottom of the gorge.

“Ugh…” It took several seconds to determine that I was unharmed. Not sure how, but I wasn’t complaining. Oh wait, yes I was. My helicopter was ruined.

I crawled out of the wreckage. Actually, it didn’t look too badly damaged. Maybe with just a couple of parts I could get it going again.

“Avalanche!” called Rainbow.

I looked up to see giant rocks incoming. My eyes bugged out and I ran as hard as I could. I kept going until I couldn’t hear crashing noises behind me. Somehow, I’d gotten lucky twice.

Walking back, I saw that the chopper had been buried by the pile of rocks. I sighed. My life saved, but my machine destroyed. Karma’s a bitch.

Faintly, I heard, “Somepony! Anypony! Help me!” It sounded like Rainbow. I climbed over the pile of rocks looking for her.

One of her wings was pinned under a boulder. At first I thought it was Tom, but remembered that he was probably still back in Ponyville.

“Are you all right?”

“No I’m not all right! I’m stuck here!”

I moved forward to help push the rock off. I didn’t see the animal until I tripped over it.

“Stupid turtle.”

“Tortoise,” said Rainbow.

“Whatever.” I shoved on the rock and she managed to wiggle free. Rainbow jumped on my back as I started towards where the finish line was. I tripped over the turtle again.

“Stupid turtle!”

Rainbow fell off. “As for you,” I said, “There’s nothing wrong with your legs is there?”

She fell in step beside me as we headed for where the rest of the ponies were waiting.

We walked in silence for a few minutes. “Can I tell you a secret?” she asked.

“Sure.”

“I have a thing for Prince Blueblood.”

Well, that didn't have much to do with the current situation. I said, “Don’t we all. I encourage you to forget it, though.”

She looked at me. “Why?”

“You know how Rarity was all over him at the Gala. Apparently he’s not so nice a guy.” And a vampire “If someone as charming as her can’t get him, you’re doomed.”

“Thanks,” she huffed. “And I was all set to meet him at Shining Armor’s wedding.”

“Who?”

“Twilight’s brother.”

“I didn’t know he was getting married.”

Rainbow winked. “She doesn’t either. I’ve got insider information”

Hmm. Maybe I could use Rainbow to get at Blueblood.

“I’ll tell you what. If you can get me into the event, I’ll help you as much as I can.” I grinned. "I'll make sure it'll be a marriage to remember."

totallynotabrony sat back from the computer, idly puffing on a cigarette. “That’s what you call foreshadowing, folks. Valiant’s totally going to ruin that wedding in chapter fifty-one.”

We came walking up to the finish line. The ponies were a little surprised, but Rainbow shrugged off her injuries. Applejack presented the winner of the race.

“That falcon sure does looks cool,” said Rainbow. “He's absolutely everything I wanted in a pet.”

“But you said whichever one crosses the finish line with you gets to be your pet,” Twilight pointed out.

Pinkie gasped. “Oh my gosh, Valiant’s your new pet?”

“Uh…” said Rainbow.

“Screw that,” I said.

“You’re right,” said the pegasus, hanging her head. “I don’t deserve a pet.” She began walking back to town.

“What are we gonna do about this falcon?” asked Applejack.

“I’ll take him,” I said. The bird squawked happily and flew over to land on my shoulder.

“I’m going to name him Captain, and we will have adventures together,” I said. “Very awesome adventures. Spike take a letter, I made a new friend.”

I cleared my throat. “Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that sometimes you find friends unexpectedly. Rainbow wanted a new pet, but instead I randomly got one. I’m cool with that. “

“That’s it?” asked Spike.

“You can’t end a letter like that,” said Twilight.

“You’re right. Sign it, ‘Your bro, F.M. Valiant’ and then put ‘P.S. “F.M.” stands for “Falcon Master”.’.”

“I don’t even know how to do an emphasizing quotation within a quote within a statement,” said Spike.

“With all that punctuation I bet it looks really weird.”

“It sure does ,” agreed totallynotabrony.

“Oh well,” I said. “She probably doesn’t read the friendship letters anyway.”

Twilight started to say something about how hard the Princess worked answering all her mail, but I ignored her. Falcon Masters don’t take crap off anyone.