The lab was once again a hive of activity, the technicians stepping back and signing off on the new power backup system installed. This went on, completely ignored by the human scientist and pony standing near a bench on the far wall, next to a complex set of apparatuses.

"Right, so... I think we've got this right, now," Carpenter swirled the fluid around in the flask, watching the purple substance splash and cascade against the sides.

"I hope so. Poor Willard," Twilight murmured, shaking her head. "He didn't deserve to wind up like that."

"He'll be fine," Carpenter said, drawing some of the serum out in a syringe, "That man's always found a way forward. And while I do have issue with how he's going to fix this setback, he will keep going - it's going to take a bit more than being a blind quadriplegic to stop him."

"Oh, good," Twilight nodded, and looked at her clip-board. "Uh, we're doing another test so soon?"

"Oh yes. Got a volunteer, even. And he's a volunteer we can't really say 'no' to, either, given our project’s current status, and his attitude to being denied."

The sound of stomping and wailing echoed through the lab doors, which weren't completely sealed, and Twilight's ear twitched.

"What in the wide world of equestria...?"

The doors crashed open, and Twilight jumped as a man wearing more glitter on one jumpsuit than she thought was physically possible, and platform shoes, didn’t so much as step as he did glide into the room.

If Rarity was here... Twilight had trouble deciding whether she’d fall in love with the man’s sequined costume, or try to murder him for crimes against fashion - the line seemed so thin sometimes.

It was probably offset by a build and facial structure that Twilight recognized as ‘Textbook Handsome’ - actually, now that she thought about it, a footnote did say the definition of ‘handsome’ had been redefined fairly recently, picture and all. She squinted her eyes, trying to recall the “guide to human anatomy” she’d been reading a few weeks ago.

“Helooooo, eggheads!” the man wailed, achieving a volume Twilight usually associated with Princess Luna on a bad day, “Ziggy Stardust has entered the lab! Ow!”

“Ziggy... Stardust?” Twilight looked at Carpenter, who shrugged, and went back to scrutinizing the syringe in his hand.

“Eeh. I’m not a fan of rock music, but this guy apparently revitalized the genre and made it king once more, even after this Skrillex guy managed to top the charts.”

“Revitalized?” Stardust slid forward, and pushed up against Carpenter. “My dear egghead, I broke it down and forged it anew!”

“Uh huh.” Carpenter nodded. “I’ll take your word for it - always was a techno fan, myself.”

“Humph.” Ziggy looked about the lab, nodding understandingly. “So, this is where the real, live magic happens, no?”

“That’s right,” Twilight said, “Mr... Stardust, was it?”

“Oh!” Ziggy spun around, and looked at Twilight - how he managed it on those ridiculous platform shoes of his was beyond her. “What an amazing voice! And you’re a talking horse! And so cute! Call me Ziggy, I insist!”

“Mr. Stardust,” Carpenter interjected, not looking away from the syringe, and giving it a flick with his finger, “Did you read any of the stuff I sent you? The pamphlet, even - tell me you read that.”

“You sent me things?”

“Right,” the human scientist sighed, and turned around. “Twilight’s a unicorn from the magical land of Eq-”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Ziggy made a talking motion with his hand. “Look at me, I don’t care! Besides, the unicorn can speak for herself, can’t she?”

The human rockstar leant in close, and fluttered his eyelashes at Twilight. The purple unicorn recoiled slightly.

“Uh, is it normal for humans to get that close to other people?”

“No, Twilight,” Carpenter replied, a little cheesed off, picking up the syringe. “Usually people aren’t as flamboyant as Mr. Stardust, here.”

“Well, Miss... Twilight.” Ziggy smoothed out his hair. “Once I’m... a talking horse, what say you and I get... a lot closer? Hmm?”

“Ah. Ha ha,” Twilight took a step back, and blushed as she realized what was going on. “You... uh...”

“No, no, you don’t need to make a decision now. I wouldn’t force it on such a lovely-” Twilight flinched as Ziggy ran a finger along the underside of her jaw, “-lady such as yourself. Sooner or later, I will win you over, and your heart shall be mine.”

“One of your more popular lyrics, how droll.” Carpenter pushed the two apart, producing a clipboard, which he gave to the rockstar. “Ziggy, sign this - it’s a waiver and contract. You’re giving up your United States citizenship to become a pony, among other contract-needy things.”

“Bah.” Ziggy snatched the clipboard out of Carpenter’s hands, and procured a pen from his sleeve that was so glittery, it was like he was holding a handful of bloom and lens flare. It whipped across the bottom of the legal document with impressive speed, and Carpenter took it out of his hands, eyebrow going up as he deciphered it.

“That’s very swell, Ziggy.” Carpenter proffered the clipboard once more. “But we need you to sign your real name, not your stage name. And while you’re at it, you might want to actually read it.”

“That is my real name, sunshine,” Ziggy dismissed, “Honestly. Kids these days, don’t follow the news.”

“Hey,” Carpenter bristled, “I take offense to that. I’m sure I’m older than you, dammit.”

“And you don’t watch the news?”

“Shut up and get on the table.”

The rockstar pranced over to the table, followed by Twilight and Carpenter, and looked at it; utilitarian, steel, boring. The device suspended above it was like an equally boring, dull robot spider. He turned around, and his face was contorted in a way that transmitted what he thought of the arrangements on its own.

“You expect me to lie on that?”

“Honestly?” Carpenter replied, starting to lose his temper. “Yes. Clothes off, get on.”

Ziggy turned his nose up, and Carpenter sighed. “Twilight, could you...?”

“Oh.” Twilight cleared her throat, and batted her eyes at Ziggy, pulling the a face she’d seen Rarity do so often, it was almost like second nature for the fashionista. “Oh, Ziggy - would you please get on the table and remove your clothes so we can... get started?”

Half a second passed, and the two scientists waited as Ziggy seemed to consider the proposition. Common sense said that such a blatant use of sexuality wouldn’t work on anyone, except maybe a sex-starved sixteen-year-old.

“Very well, Twilight!” Ziggy threw his hands back - with a sound of tearing, the sequined jumpsuit flew backwards, flying right off his frame in one swift movement, and Carpenter covered his eyes at the sudden exposure in front of him.

“Uggh,” he grunted, “Saints alive, Stardust. Warn us before you go exposing yourself like that next time.”

“Warn people?” Ziggy laughed. “Please. That ruins the surprise. Besides, I did it to the Queen of England once, and she didn’t seem to mind.”

“Ookay,” Twilight egged, “Now, could you get onto the table?”

“Hmm...” Ziggy turned to face the table, “It needs something.”

“Like...?” Carpenter didn’t like where this was going.

“Like... this!” Ziggy threw a hand in the air, and Carpenter swore as glitter filled it, falling and raining down on the table and apparatus suspended above it.

“You... why would you do that?” Carpenter pointed at the glitter, seeing Ziggy’s smug expression. “You... you...”

The touch of a lavender hoof on his arm stopped him, and he saw Twilight, who shook her head.

“It’s not a big deal. Glitter can’t affect the ponifciation serum, right?”

“...right. Okay.” Carpenter coughed. “So, you going to get on the table now?”

“Yes, I shall get onto the table,” Ziggy declared, spinning about, and falling onto it amidst the falling glitter. Closing his eyes, Carpenter picked up the man’s legs, and moved him around, so he was lying on the table properly.

“Thank you, Ziggy,” Twilight fluttered her eyelashes once more, and Carpenter groaned as a certain something became erect.

“Twilight, you can stop that, now. He’s on the table.”

“Okay, sorry.”

The two moved around the table, adusting monitors and checking the machine. Ziggy looked blissfully unaware, twiddling invisible strings on a guitar, and humming to himself.

“Right, Ziggy, sit still,” Carpenter said, “Potion’s going in.”

The rockstar flinched as needle met neck, and stopped his air-guitar, relaxing his arms.

“Whoooah. That’s... one hell of a trip. Mind if I... get some... of that... after...”

The man was out cold before he finished his sentence, and Carpenter looked at Twilight.

“Before, when you pulled that face... was that... a duckface?”

“...maybe?” Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know what a duckface is.”

“...either way, that was still pretty gross.”

======

The spirit that was Ziggy Stardust strode across the stage, taking up his place at the microphone; a guitar waited for him, and he picked it up, not wanting to disappoint his audience...

Of two. Just two unicorns with wings, sitting in chairs in the front row. He laughed - he was so high right now, it was almost not funny. He had to be tripping - where else would he have an audience of just two?

“Ziggy Stardust...” the white one said, looking at a small pamphlet,  “What a strange name.”

“I do like your name,” the dark blue one said, “It is quite a nice name, I hope you retain it when you make it out of here.”

“Wow, talking horses.” Ziggy looked at his hand. “This is all a dream, right?”

“It’s a dream that will define who and what you are for the rest of your life,” the white alicorn pointed out. “You should choose the next things you say very ca-”

“I am rock!”

“Pardon me,” the blue alicorn stated, taken aback by the sudden declaration, “But... how can one be... ‘Rock’? You are flesh and blood.”

“But I am rock! I live rock! I breathe it! I embody it!” Ziggy placed his hands on his chest. “I. Am. Rock. Even the magazines and tabloids say so!”

Ziggy reached out, and pulled a newspaper from thin air, throwing it to the alicorns, where it landed in front of their seats so they could read it. The big headline seemed to back up Ziggy’s statements, proclaiming “Ziggy Stardust Is Rock”.

“Well,” Celestia said, “Be that as it may... you can’t be a rock.”

“But I want to be rock!” Ziggy stamped a foot. “I won’t be anything else! I refuse!”

“We are not making you a rock,” Luna repeated, “Pick something else, but not a rock. Why would you want to be a rock?”

“Oh, I’ll make him rock,” an ethereal voice echoed through the theatre, and the alicorns bristled.

“Discord!” Celestia stood up, looking around. “Begone! This is not your business!”

“Oh, Celly. You always say people are free to choose... and this boy wants to be stone.”

“Rock,” Ziggy corrected, not bothered that he was taking the side of something called ‘Discord’.

“Right. Who are you to deny him that? You tuned me to stone readily enough...”

“Discord,” Celestia looked at a strangely dark patch of the ceiling, glaring. “Don’t you dare...”

“But I do. Watch me.”

A bolt of energy shot out of the dark patch, and hit Ziggy - the rockstar staggered backwards with footsteps that were heavy, like he was super-tired after a gig. The alicorns watched him stagger backwards in alarm, and Ziggy still didn’t care.

His shambling steps kicked the drumkit aside, and he kept walking backwards, into the back of the stage itself, where the backdrop fluttered in its own wind.

“Enjoy your new life, Mr. Stardust. I’m sure you’ll rock everyone’s world.”

======

Twilight and Carpenter had their goggles on - ever since Ziggy had started kicking and flaring with light of his own, in fact. Past experience had suggested that he’d explode any second now.

The light increased in intensity, and the two cowered behind their own little monitor banks.

“This can’t be good!” shouted Carpenter, “This didn’t happen last time!”

“The glitter!” Twilight shouted. “Could it...?”

Carpenter swore. Of course it would - if Ziggy had all that glitter on his skin, some of that magic-nullifying radiation was probably being reflected away!

A soft whump filled the air - an ethereal one that made Carpenter feel queasy - but no purple goop followed, as was the norm. He looked over his barricade, and gasped.

Sitting on the middle of the operating  table, was a large, somewhat trapezoidal rock, made out of what looked like quartzite.

“...Tom?” Twilight asked, looking around her own shield.

“Tom?”

“It was a thing, one of my friends went through,” Twilight confessed, “Don’t mention it. Ever.”

The two got up, and stood next to the table; Carpenter sighed, rubbing his head.

“I guess we’re making progress. He’s not dead or paralyzed, that’s a plus.”

“He’s a rock.”

“Yeah.” Carpenter walked away, and activated an intercom on the wall. “Cleanup crew to Lab Six. Bring vacuum cleaners, don’t worry about mops and buckets this time.”

“Hudda hu,” the intercom crackled, “Huddah ha?”

“No, nobody burned. Get the heavy lifting team, too, while you’re at it. Move the subject to holding cell 29-a for observation.”

“Hudda hu.”

======

The rock sat in the cell, unmoving. But he didn’t care.

He weighed just under half a tonne - but he remained lighthearted.

Nobody spared it a second glance, giving their attention to louder and more insistent neighbors. But he didn’t mind one bit.

Ziggy was in his own little world, playing for an audience bigger than he could ever have imagined in his wildest dreams, riding an eternal performance high. If only the tabloids could see him now, if only his fans could hear the music he was making; They’d both say the same thing.

He. Was. Rock.

[07:45]< MyLittleBurger> how come in HiE fics, the human never becomes something incredibly weird like a sentient boulder or something?

Idea given by MyLittleBurger

“Ziggy Stardust” created by Gancolt

A story comprised of horrible puns and created from a ridiculous idea. I’m either going to heaven or hell for this one.