The PA
by Dimmie Dunce
Chapters
Welcome To The PA
Derpy Hooves glided through the Everfree forest, her eyes furrowed in concentration as she tried to focus on not crashing into anything. Of course her attempts failed and she ended up flying straight into a thick tree. After a few seconds she simply slid down the trees trunk and into a bundled heap on the grassy floor.
Derpy closed her eyes and sat silently beneath the tree. Already she could recall the shenanigans that got her into this whole mess, she'd only been trying to help prepare the town hall before Applejack left for the rodeo, but she ended up nearly obliterating it instead!
The town hall wasn't exactly in pristine condition though, but Mayor Mare, being the greedy bit guzzling pony she was, put the blame on Derpy, and worse of all, she expected the pegasus to pay back every last bit. So, Derpy had to take on another job.. Now she wasn't just the Ponyville Mailmare, but also a waitress at The Café in Ponyville.
Nearly all of her income went towards the repairs to the town hall, which left little for her to take care of little Dinky and Sparkler. Thankfully Carrot Top offered to let them stay at her house. Still, she was far away from having enough bits to pay for all the repairs... So she took on another job.
And that's why Derpy was currently in the Everfree forest, searching for some place called the 'PA'. The ditzy eyed mare pondered for a moment on why she'd actually thought of every single little detail that'd gotten her into this mess, it just seemed unneccessary!
She was about to dive deeper into her own psyche when she noticed a slight glimmer a ways off, with nothing to lose (And a job to get to) she decided it'd be in her best interests to head towards that glimmer.
As Derpy trotted closer towards the glimmer she soon found out that it was the reflection of the noon sun on a smooth metallic surface, well, a wall really. She inspected the wall closely, a slight outline of a 'door' was there, but from what she could see there was really no way to enter it. After a few seconds of staring the door suddenly 'swished' open.
A blinding light washed over Derpy, causing the mare to fall back onto her haunches with a soft 'thump'. A murky green unicorn mare with a ruby red mane in a medical coat stood in front of the open door, blocking out the light. "Ugh, Hayweed, Peppermint, one of the patients escaped again..." the unicorn's voice was filled with agitation. The unicorn took a step towards Derpy, and the pegasus reacted by pomfing her wings up into a defensive position.
"Now now, just calm down.. We'll take you back to your room an-" "That won't be neccessary Jellybean." A pegasus interrupted the unicorn whose name was Jellybean and nudged her aside with a single hoof, he was a large aqua colored stallion and was wearing a matching medical coat, his mane a bright blond much like Derpys. "I do believe this is the new Caretaker." he glanced towards the ditzy eyed mare and nodded his head. "Miss Hooves I presume? Or was it Miss Doo... I do apologize for Doctor Jellybean's behavior. She's still quite new and needs to remember that not all ailments are physically visible. Isn't that right Miss Bean?"
Jellybean gave a soft huff before trotting back into the PA, the stallion on the other hand approached Derpy. "Allow me to introduce myself, I am Doctor Skylight, and this here is the PA. Well, the entrance at least. But, before I explain more I'll need you to sign this document.." Skylight reached into the medical coats pocket with his mouth and pulled out a piece of paper, and afterwards a pen. He continued to speak as Derpy looked over the document.
"Once again, I apologize for the behavior of my collegue. She can be quite... Judgemental at times. I on the other hand think you'll fit right in with us at the PA, of course everything that happens here is strictly confidiential. You're not allowed to speak to anypony, Griffon, Dragon, or Celestial being about what goes on in the PA." It didn't take long for Derpy to realize that Skylight was actually reciting the document, at least the parts about confidientiality.
Derpy honestly just skimmed through the form, after all reading wasn't her strong suite and she would much prefer to use her energy reading a good book rather then some document. She picked up the pen inbetween her teeth and tried to sign the document, instead she ended up writing in the dirt. It wasn't until the third try that she managed to successfully sign the form, afterwards Skylight gently placed the piece of paper back into his coat pocket and made a gesture with his hoof towards the brightly lite entrance.
"Welcome to the PA Miss Doo."
Skylight trotted through the door, Derpy close behind him. A bright light enveloping the two before the smooth metalic door slide shut.
Meeting The Family
The PA was unlike anything Derpy had ever seen, the walls were a bright white and the floor was covered in a crimson carpet. The place seemed unnaturally clean and bright. After getting over her initial shock over the cleanliness of the building she began to inspect her surroundings.
It looked much like the Ponyville Hospitals waiting room, bland uncomfortable chairs arranged neatly around a single table with a few magazines laid carefully upon it and of course the receptionists desk. Unlike the hospital though, it was completely empty, even the desk was devoid of anypony.
Skylight simply smiled as he admired the room. "Ah right, the staff are currently in their dorms. As instructed whenever we get a new addition to our little 'Family'. But first things first, introducing you to the patients. As a Caretaker you'll be working closely with them, or well, most of them at least. Follow me please."
Skylight trotted towards a nearby door and pushed it open with his hooves, revealing a hall behind it, Derpy complied and trotted besides the stallion. As they walked down the abnormally clean hall the aqua colored pegasus began to explain what the PA was.
"You see, Miss Doo, here at the PA we give a home to ponies that are mentally... Different, shall we say. Now I don't mean it in a debilitating way. Everypony at the PA is brilliant. What I mean is that most of them are... Insane. To the point that they are shunned or insulted by common pony society." Skylight let his words sink in as they continued down the hall. "I.. Know how that is, ponies think I'm 'special' just because I can't see straight." Derpy mumbled, only a slight hint of anger in her voice.
"Ponies will be Ponies Miss Hooves." Derpy's ears twitched as the hall took a sudden and rather sharp right turn, she didn't know why Skylight kept switching from 'Doo' to 'Hooves' at random. It sort of bothered the mare. Skylight suddenly stopped before another door, unlike the other bright white ones this one was made of steel and looked a bit rusty. Skylight lifted his right hoof and pressed it against a small panel, and the door slid open with a soft hiss.
The next room was once again a long corridor, but unlike the first two this one was dimly lit and a lot less clean. There were two doors on each side of the corridor and large thick glass windows besides those doors. Skylight suddenly stomped his hoof against the cold stone floor and shouted. "My little ponies! Wake up! You've got a new caretaker! And I want everypony to say hi!"
Moments after his 'outburst' Derpy noticed that now the empty glass windows had a few faces pressed against the glass, except for the last one on each row. The pegasus stallion trotted towards the first room with Derpy nervously besides him.
The first pair of ponies pulled away from the glass, one of them was a bright blue mare with a messy gray mane, oddly enough her cutie mark was just a plain screw. She barked at Derpy and suddenly placed her front hooves up against the glass, whining as she pawed at it, before licking the glass and panting heavily, much like a dog. The other mare was a bright pink with a purple mane and a beanie on top, white stripes seemed to appear randomly along her mane. Her cutie mark was a screw and a baseball, and her eyes seemed to swirl in some sort of whirlpool, she waved at Derpy before placing her hoof to her mouth and making a 'blblblblbl' noise.
"Loose Screw, and Screwball. I'm sure you can figure out which is which. They're by far the tamest. Loose Screw was sent here after she took a bite out of one of the doctors at the Ponyville Hospital after one of their patients accused the doctor of stealing his slippers. Screwball is an entirely different story.. She just, appeared in the room one day. I kid you not Miss Doo... Those two are inseparable!"
Derpy gave Loose Screw and Screwball an awkward wave of her hoof as Skylight led her towards the next room. This one was unusually dark, Derpy could barely make out a familiar magenta mane and bright pink coat sitting in a corner. "Pinkie Pi-" "What'd you call me, huh? WELL YOU'RE A BUBBLE BUTT!" Derpy fell backwards with a thud at the mares surprising speed, the familiar face of Pinkie Pie was pressed up against the glass.
Pinkie's normally cheerful blue eyes were filled with pure, unhinged hatred. The usually uncontrolled puffy magenta mane was combed down perfectly, and her lips formed in a angry grimace, she even went as far as baring her teeth at the frightened ditzy eyed pegasus. "Actually no, this is not the party pony everypony is familiar with... This is Diane Pie." Skylight shifted on his hooves awkwardly, Diane shifted her glare towards the stallion.
"She's.. A well kept secret of the Pie family. Now, Miss Hooves, this does not leave the PA, remember that. You signed the form, and I do hope you'll abide to it." Skylight cleared his throat and looked down at the bewildered mare, she managed to give him a slow nod. "Pinkie Pie had a twin you see, but she seems to be the polar opposite of her sister... She's an absolute sociopath, we've been taking care of her since she was a filly.. After she tried to convince her sister to play 'Cupcake Party'... Her sister was going to be said cupcake."
Diane Pie grinned wildly at Derpy and licked her chops. "I bet you'd make a great cake..." Derpy flinched and crawled to her hooves, taking a few steps away from the giggling pony behind the glass. "She's one of the ones you won't be caretaking." Skylight and Derpy quickly departed from Diane Pie's window, heading towards the left side of the corridor and the last two rooms.
The third room seemed to hold nopony, Derpy gave Skylight a look. The stallion pointed a hoof at the obscenely large jars of Jelly. Suddenly the lid popped off of one of the jars and the head of a stallion peeped from its contents, jelly dripping from his blond mane and grey coat.
Derpy and the Jelly stallion stared at one another for a few awkward minutes of silence, before the stallion covered in jelly gave her a content smile with half lidded eyes and slipped back into the depths of his jelly jar. "That's Hugh Jelly, he's.. Well he's possibly the more normal of the five ponies we're housing right now. Just a strange obsession with jelly. He came to us voluntarily, no home, no bits, and no jelly gave him little options." Derpy just nodded at Skylight before trotting towards the next room.
The next room was dark, just like Diane Pie's room, a figure laid in the center of the room. Derpy slowly approached the glass to try and get a good look at the figure, when a face suddenly appeared in front of her view. The surprised pegasus pomfed out her wings defensively and skittered backwards. "HAAAIII GIIRLLLL...."
It was definitely Twilight Sparkle, Derpy was one hundred and twenty percent positive that the pony in that room was Twilight Sparkle. Her mane was unkempt and her pupils were the size of raisins, but it was Twilight. "Are you here to let me out? pleasepleasepleaseplease! I'm TARDY! I have to find a friendship- No MAKE! I need to MAKE a friendship problem ehehehe!!! I've got this plan it'll work just let me out! The princess needs her letters.. Ohh spiiiiikkke! Get over here! Useless Dragon!"
Twilight's words didn't make much sense as she trotted towards the figure in the middle of the room, she picked it up with her unicorn magic and set it upon her back before trotting back to the glass. The figure was a crudely knitted stuffed version of Spike, Twilight's right eye twitched vigorously as she stared at Derpy, apparently awaiting her release.
"This is why I'm glad I'm not a unicorn.. We call her 'Twilight Psycho'. As you can see she looks exactly like miss Sparkle, except she has.. A few loose scre-" A quick howl stopped Skylight in mid sentence, Screw Loose gave the stallion a cheerful smile from her shared room before trotting away from the glass.
"Ahem, as I was saying.. She's not entirely there. May I ask, Miss Hooves, do you remember.. A few days after Discord was sealed away, there was an incident with a certain Smarty Pants doll." Derpy nodded her head, Twilight Psycho was impatiently staring at both of them. "I HAD TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM! It was fine though fine fine fine..." Both of Twilight's ears twitched frantically each time she said 'fine'.
"Apparently, that wasn't Miss Sparkle. It was a magical clone, a test spell. Of course this is one of those 'well kept' secrets which cannot leave the PA... She brought it here the next day and left it in our care until she figures out a way to 'fix' it." "I don't need fixing! Friendship needs fixing, YOU NEED FIXING!"
"She's extremely hostile"
"YOU'RE HOSTILE."
"Illogical"
"NO YOU."
"And you won't be her caretaker."
"Save me instead! Pleasepleasepleaseplease."
Skylight sighed and pressed his hoof against his face. "These are the ponies you'll be seeing daily. Though you should not ever need to interact with those two. They are my responsibility." Derpy just nodded her head, she still didn't know if she wanted to interact with the other three. Especially with Hugh, she really didn't want to swim in any jelly...
After meeting the five patients, Skylight escorted Derpy through the winding corridors once more until they were back in the waiting room. This time he went behind the receptionists desk and flipped a small switch, opening yet another door behind the desk. "Now it is time to meet the staff. We're rather short hoofed at the time but then again.. With only five patients we don't need many ponies to watch over them."
Derpy trotted through the open door and into a.. A living room. The unicorn from before, Jellybean, was sprawled lazily on the couch. Two powerful looking unicorn stallions were playing "Celestial War: The Board Game!" in front of the fireplace and a young filly pegasus was playing with a wonderbolts action figure.
The first to notice Derpy and Skylight was the young pink filly, she flapped her tiny wings and slowly hovered towards the two, her bright green mane brushing against the ground. "Hiya lady! I'm Minty Pink!" Skylight shot the young filly a look and she suddenly stopped her hovering and dropped onto the ground. She then stood as tall as she could and stared up at Derpy with her bright blue eyes. "I'm the recep.. Recep-ti-on-ist.. Receptionist! At the PA! It's a plea-Plea... It's nice meeting you!"
Derpy smiled at Minty and carefully patted the young pegasus filly on the head, ruffling her mane playfully. The two stallions trotted away from their game to greet the newest worker. They were both extraordinarily large, twice the size of Skylight. One had a bright blond coat and a messy great mane, the other a combed white mane and a light blue coat.
"I'm Hayweed." the blond one said with a nod. "And I'm Peppermint!" the blue one chimed in. "We're security!" they said in unison, Surprisingly enough both stallions sounded like they were just starting to enter stallionhood, both having a slight high pitch tone to their voices. Jellybean remained on the couch, she didn't even bother giving Derpy a second glance. "I'm Jellybean, we've met, sorry for mistaking you for a patient.. Blah blah blah."
Skylight frowned at Jellybean's behavior, he turned towards Derpy and offered an apologetic smile. "That's all of us here at the PA Miss Doo, now.. I know you're probably rethinking your position here. But, since I know that working with 'odd' ponies might be new to you.. I'm willing to pay two hundred and fifty bits a week. But if anything goes wrong there will be deductions from your pay."
Skylight pulled a piece of paper and pen from his medical coat and laid it before the ditzy eyed mare. "If you still wish to work as their caretaker, please sign this contract." Derpy didn't waste any time signing her name on the line, she didn't even bother to read the contract. After all, two hundred and fifty bits a week would give her enough to afford the Town Hall repairs in a few months! It even paid more then her mailmare route and waitress job combined!
Skylight gave the mare his most sincerist of smiles. "Excellent Miss Hooves. I'll expect you here after your mail route. Ah, and perhaps you could bring the patients their mail as well? We've had our hooves full here for the past week and I haven't had the time to fly to the post office and get it." Derpy nodded her head and stiflied a yawn.
"Hayweed, Peppermint, would you escort the new Caretaker back to Ponyville? It's getting late and the Everfree isn't exactly a safe trot." The stallions nodded and guided Derpy back towards the entrance of the PA, and then back to Ponyville itself, all the while the ditzy eyed mare had a small smile on her muzzle, after all, she'd just scored a job that'd get her back on her hooves in a few months!