Space
The Final Frontier
(Filled With Infinite Cosmic Energy)

There's an old saying that in space, no one can hear you scream.

"UN-FLIPPIN'-BELIEVABLE! SERIOUSLY, WHERE IN THE NINE GALAXIES DID THIS THING GO?"

Patricia Wagon never put much stock in it.

Nor did her robotic assistant, who by his calculations estimated that her outburst had just been heard on at least three nearby planets. Being her personal interplanetary transport as well, he caught the brunt of it from the inside. His hearing went to white noise for no less than ten seconds.

It was a living.

"I knew this would happen, you know. The second the P.L.P.D. said the R.S.T.S. wasn't made with small people in mind," said Patricia. "And then refused to modify the P.O.S.," she added under her breath.

"And the second they left it up to you to 'investigate alternate methods' of transporting trapped infants to safety?"

"Yeah, exac-" Patricia stopped. "I mean, no! Look, just whose side are you on here anyway?"

Corporal Gendarmor sighed. "Yours, naturally." He rolled his eye. As said eye was located on the outside of his chassis, Patricia never noticed. "Still, the method you came up with... surely you had to know HQ would perhaps find it a bit... unorthodox?"

"Pah. They should have seen this coming! Or built more HQs next to the hot zones! Or... wait a minute, is that... yeah! There! There it is!"

With several shakes, she pointed to a wide-mouthed baby sitting in a clear, spherical pod which floated in a singular direction in the void of space.

"Wonderful," said Gendarmor. "We've postponed our firing for another week at least."

"Don't get snippy on me so close to a closed case," said Patricia. "Just be glad I found it. Let's get in closer and pick it up." She stared at the baby as Gendarmor increased speed, narrowing the distance. "Honestly, why is it still crying?" Patricia took off her helmet and blew a few locks of hair away from her face. "With a face that ugly, I oughtta be the one-" Her helmet was quickly replaced when she saw the baby accelerating away from them. "Whoa, hey! Hey, G, what's happening?"

Gendarmor ignored the nickname change. It happened often. "It appears to have been caught by the gravity of that planet up ahead."

"What?" Patricia's hands and nose slammed against the windshield as she leapt up in her cockpit. "Ugly Secret Babies can survive tons of stuff but I'm not sure if reentry counts! Go after it, G! Triple time!"

With a flash of light and a fusion burst heard absolutely nowhere (because Space(tm)), Gendarmor activated his personal rockets, hurtling towards the baby's pod. Unfortunately, as they entered the planet's atmosphere, turbulence took over, veering both parties wildly off of their original courses.

"We're losing it! Darn it, Gen, we're losing it! Why aren't you making sure we're not-"

"I can either divert power to directional stabilizers or keep us from burning to a crisp, Patricia. Your choice."

Patricia shut up. Seeing Gendarmor's patience wearing thin was a rare sight -- one which she liked to keep as rare as possible. She'd been on the business end of his missile showers once before. It'd taken a week to buff the aftermath out of her legs.

"We can track it, right?"

"Naturally."

"Cool. Then just land us soft."

Gendarmor paused. "That might be more of a problem."

"What? Why?"

"Used most of my juice on the afterburners. Which when combined with this gravitational field... well, brace for you-know-what."

Patricia paused in kind. "This is my fault, isn't it?"

"Do I ever blame you?"

Re-entry had ceased, and they were now in a blue sky, with no noticeable loss of falling speed.

"Not really. Always wondered why that was, honestly."

The planet's terrain rushed up to meet them. Gendarmor's voice was resigned.

"Because for your orders to land us in trouble, I still have to follow them."

Patricia and Gendarmor both braced for impact. Three seconds later, it came with a crash which overloaded all of their sensory circuits. The world went black, then white, then brown, then swirly for a bit, while noisy the whole time.

Then, at last, darkness.

---

Equestria
Changeling Castle
(Princess Cadance's Ex-Summer Home)

"Over the lips, past the gums...."

Queen Chrysalis struggled to remember the rest of the phrase.

"...oh, to Tartarus with it. Bottoms up."

She levitated a bottle over her mouth, taking a sample of the liquid inside. Seconds later, the bottle was smashed against the wall of her throne room. It predictably shattered into an uncountable number of pieces.

"Ugh. Tasteless! Flavorless! 'Love Drink', my crooked horn! Honestly, they think that just because they put a couple of hearts on the label, that makes their sleazy advertising campaign okay!" She looked at the case of duplicate bottles which lay to the side of her throne. "This imported stuff was supposed to be the highlight of my night, and now I'm stuck with a whole crate! I ought to fly over to Clopstralia right now and give 'em a piece of my-"

Chrysalis stopped, her anger leaving her in the blink of an eye, replaced with a far more somber emotion. She slumped to the floor with a sniffle.

"Moons alive. In my own name, I'm bored out of my wits."

Once the self-pity had finished flowing through her, she rose to her hooves. "This is not going to stand. Maybe I should disguise myself as a unicorn, set myself up in a posh Manehattan hotel and see how much I can squeeze out of the the night life. It's got to be better than here. Nothing interesting ever happens here!"

A crash sounded just then, the shockwaves from which rattled the castle windows.

Chrysalis stayed quiet until the din subsided, then spoke again.

"Nothing that would allow me to become the all-powerful ruler of Equestria in the blink of an eye ever happens here!"

Silence.

Chrysalis sighed. "Was worth a shot." She raised her voice for her next words. "Pratchett! Sounder! Get in here!"

Twin changelings -- a male and female -- rushed in upon hearing their summons. "You rang, your Queen-ness?"

"Indeed. I'm sure you two heard the loud noise. Let's get over there."

Sounder saluted. "Toot sweet, your highness!"

"Sis," Pratchett said, "I keep telling you. It's 'tout suite'. Foreign expression and such."

"Huh?" Sounder blinked in confusion. "But that is what I said."

Pratchett groaned.

The two transformed into two large, burly ponies not unlike those Princess Celestia used in her entourage. A chariot was fetched, their Queen was hoisted upon it, and off they went, past bunnies, past badlands, past kitties, past meadows, past even more bunnies, then back to badlands, until they finally happened upon a smoking crater.

The three approached the crater slowly, stopping when they saw a clear glass pod. The changeling queen "hmm"ed.

"Your Highness?" said Sounder. "Any clue what that is?"

Chrysalis paced in a circle around the pod and the baby inside. "Not long ago, some of our spies in the Crystal Empire reported hearing talk of a magical mirror that led to another dimension. A dimension filled with strange creatures looking not entirely unlike... whatever this is here." She stopped pacing. "Huh. I thought they were pulling my leg when they told me. I banished them to the lava pits as punishment. Well, live and learn. Remind me to have them retrieved. If they're still alive, that is."

Pratchett shuddered. "Do they have any magic powers?"

Chrysalis approached the pod, putting her face up to it. "No, from what I hear, their world doesn't really believe in magic. Their powers lie in other places, however." She looked at the baby, who was smiling. "What are you doing? Stop that. You're about as ugly as I am, we ought to be fleeing in terror at the mere sight of each oth-"

The baby continued to smile, and put its hands on the pod's glass. Chrysalis reared back and stepped away. "Gyaaah! One of you, get this thing open without me having to touch it!"

"There's a button on the side," said Sounder, rushing over and pushing it. The pod snapped open, and like a rocket, the baby was out and climbing up Chrysalis's leg.

Chrysalis squealed, shaking her leg with all the force she could muster. "Help! It's latched itself onto me like some sort of tick! It won't let go! It's..."

"It's smiling and laughing," said Pratchett.

"Still?" Chrysalis turned her head around. Sure enough, the baby was now hanging on to Chrysalis's neck, and cooing its little heart out.

"Huh. It's... not afraid of me. By all rights, it should be, but-"

"Mama," the baby said just then.

Chrysalis froze. "W-wait, what did you just call-"

A blinding pink light radiated from Chrysalis, spreading outward. When it was over and the three changelings could see again, the situation was far clearer.

"I think I get it," whispered Sounder, looking at the baby who was now on the ground, playing with a few scattered kittybunnies.

Chrysalis hovered above them. "Indeed. Not in centuries have I felt so... nourished. It's as if I-"

"Whoa," the two changelings said in unison as they gazed at their queen.

"Huh? What do you mean, 'whoa'?"

Chrysalis looked at her sidekicks. Their legs and wings were no longer full of holes. She then looked at herself.

"Mirror. Now," she whispered.

Sounder raised a hoof. "Ummmm..."

"MIRROR!" Chrysalis bellowed.

A full-length boutique mirror was quickly fetched. Chrysalis took a look at the reflection before her. As she digested what she saw, a single tear slid down her right cheek.

Then came the laugh.

Of all the times her changelings had ever heard her laugh, only the older ones of the hive could remember the last time one had lasted so long or been so jubilant. It was loud, screeching and confident, echoing through every single hall and able to be heard for nearly a mile outward. Several of the region's ever-present cutie-creatures scattered, their primal survival instincts at last overcoming their all-loving nature.

When the laugh was over, Chrysalis turned to her two lieutenants. "Pratchett. Sounder. I want you two to take a little trip for me."

"Where to, my Queen?" asked Pratchett.

"Ponyville."

Newly restored fur, smooth and polished around her muzzle, crinkled as Chrysalis formed a toothy grin.

"It's time for a rematch."

Equestria
Ponyville
(Because This Is Where Everything Happens, Just Go With It)

"All right, Pinkie Pie," said Rainbow Dash, holding one side of a large cylinder in her hooves. "Now you've got a clearer view of the clock tower than either me or Fluttershy. So your job is to let us know when we've got the new clock face positioned just right. Once we do, we'll slide it in the hole and that's that!"

"Sure thing, Dashie!" Pinkie waved from inside the tower. "You can count on me!"

"Rainbow, are you sure this is the best of ideas?" said Fluttershy, who was holding the other side of the clock face. "I mean, we've seen her try this before, and-"

"No, but I'd rather her be doing the heavy looking than the heavy lifting, if you get my drift," Rainbow Dash said.

"Oh." Fluttershy blinked. "I guess that does make some sense." The two flew closer to the tower, awaiting their friend's directions. Soon enough, Pinkie was happy to oblige.

"Okay! Now just a little to the left. Okay, now to the right. Now rotate it kind of... " Pinkie made motions with her forelegs "...kind of that way... no, the other that way! No no, you gotta swirl it! Swirl it like a big Neapolitan soft-serve with extra strawberry fudge-"

"Um, Rainbow?" said Fluttershy. "This is starting to make less sense."

Rainbow Dash sighed. "Just pretend you can understand what she's saying. It's what I do. Anyway we're almost there." Rainbow Dash directed the clock face the rest of the way. "All right, we've just about got it! Pinkie, back up! We're about to slide this sucker in-"

Fluttershy pointed up in the sky with a hoof. "Rainbow Dash? What's that?"

Rainbow looked. A large object was coming right at them. Before she could answer, or even elicit a "whoa, killer" at its traveling speed, it crashed through the top of the clock tower. It was all Rainbow could do to give Fluttershy a hard push in one direction, then fly away in the other.

When Rainbow's adrenaline died down, she realized that her actions only accounted for two of them. "Pinkie!" she and Fluttershy cried, flying to the site of the crash.

---

By the time the two pegasi arrived, a small crowd had gathered around the impact site, which contained a whole lot of rubble, a demolished clock face, two unidentifiable husks of metal, and one bruised and unconscious Pinkie Pie.

"Oh my gosh," said Rainbow, flying over the crowd to reach her friend. "It all happened so fast, even I couldn't get to you in time! Pinkie! Are you alright?"

No answer.

Rainbow Dash's voice became increasingly panicked. "Fluttershy, hang on. Watch Pinkie, okay?"

"Where are you going?"

"Quick stop at Sugarcube Corn-" Rainbow was too far away for Fluttershy to hear the rest.

In less than a minute Rainbow Dash returned with a large cookie, which she placed under Pinkie's snout and waved back and forth. Soon enough, the pink pony stirred.

"Mmmm... tender batter.... mint chocolate chip..." Pinkie sat back up with a start. "Whoa! That was intense!" She then looked at Rainbow Dash and wrapped her forelegs around her in a hug. "Oh, Dashie, you remembered what I told you about smelling sugars! That's so sweet in, like, multiple ways!" She giggled.

"Uhhh... yeah." Rainbow Dash allowed herself a quick second to hug Pinkie back. "Look, don't go scaring me like that again, 'kay?"

"Okay!" Pinkie bounced to up to all fours. "So, uh, just what hit me exactly?"

"See for yourself," said Fluttershy, leading Pinkie to the crashed metallic objects which had fallen from the sky. Pinkie followed, and when she got in front of the slender two-legged girl and the large robot facing the sky with their eyes closed, she froze stock still.

"Oh. My. Gosh." Pinkie's mouth and eyes became gradually wider as she spoke. "Do any of you know what this means?"

"Um... n-no," Fluttershy said.

Pinkie leapt to her hind legs, raising her front ones to the sky in squealing triumph. "I means I did it! I've finally unraveled the secrets of time travel! I knew if I hung around this clock tower long enough, it could be done!"

"On what basis, exactly?" said Twilight Sparkle, coming up towards her with Applejack, Rarity and Mayor Mare in tow.

Pinkie, however, neglected to answer Twilight's question. "And just as I thought! Machinery has come such a long way! Oh my gosh, Twilight, look! They have eyes! I think they might be people! Well, one of them, anyway." She moved closer to Patricia and saluted. "This is Pinkamena Pie, intrepid chrono-knot, now establishing first contact!"

Applejack gave Twilight a pleading look. Twilight simply shrugged.

---

And so it came to pass that the first thing Patricia Wagon saw upon waking up from the crash was a pink... blob of something or other standing over her, waving its... arms?... around in a silly manner.

"Helllllll-loooo!" said the pink thing. "My name is Ping Kee Pie! Well-come to Equestria! Can you understaaaaaaand meeee?"

Patricia actually didn't until her internal translation algorithms kicked back in, but she wasn't about to reply with that. Instead she propped herself on her elbows and answered with, "I can hear you just fine."

"Thaaaaat's greeeeat!" said Pinkie. "Arrrre you from another planeeeeet, or a natural part of this tiiiiime periooood?"

Patricia nearly choked. "I... I said I can understand you. That means you don't have to keep talking like that."

"Liiiiiike whaaaaaat?"

Patricia flopped back on the ground and shut her eyes.

Just my luck, she thought. I've crash-landed on the planet of the Aliens Who Are Slow On Uptakes. Well, I've still got a mission to do while I'm here. I guess I'd better reactivate the Corporal and get to it.

Patricia reopened her eyes. When she did so, her field of vision revealed more colorful things standing over her. "Okay. I'm willing to try this again. Just please tell me not all of you on this planet act like that," she said, pointing to the pink one.

Ping Kee laughed. "Oh, no. I'm one of a kind."

"Thankfully," said a purple one this time, who had a beige one standing next to her. "Hi. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this Mayor Mare. She's the... uh, mayor of this town."

Patricia nodded. "Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. And you said 'Mayor Mare.' Should I take that to mean that she's a... well, mare?" She looked Mayor and Twilight over. "Hmm. Four legs, similar body structure... the talking thing's new, though."

Mayor Mare nodded. "Yes, we are indeed all ponies." She chuckled. "In fact, you're actually in Ponyville, our hometown. Might I ask where you hail from?"

Patricia pointed up. Straight up.

It took Twilight a few seconds to get Patricia's meaning, but once she did, her face lit up. "So you are from another world, then? From out in space?"

"Or the future," Pinkie offered in a harsh whisper.

"Not now, Pinkie." Twilight walked over to Gendarmor, who was still deactivated. "Is this your transport?"

"He's more like my partner. But yeah, he helps me get around." With Applejack lending a helping hoof, Patricia slowly got up on her two feet, finding that she was a head taller than the populace at most. She wasn't sure what that suggested.

"Wow," said Twilight. "Actual contact with an otherworldly species."

"Returned," said Patricia. "I guess this is now just as much of a diplomatic visit as a rescue. You guys just saw aliens crash-land in your backyard, and from my point of view, I've definitely landed on an alien planet."

"Actually, we've landed in Equestria," said a voice behind Patricia.

Patricia jumped where she was. "Whoa! Gendo! What have I told you about doing that?"

"Never to activate behind your back without warning you first, yes, I know. And I've told you, the second I figure out how to make that possible, I will."

"Well, somebot clearly needs to think faster," Patricia grumbled.

"As I was saying," said Gendarmor, "Equestria's actually on our galactic maps."

"Seriously? How'd it get there?" Patricia asked.

Gendarmor's eye lidded. "Explorer Luna's logs."

Patricia froze. "That's... that's not good."

Gendarmor shook his head. "No, it's not."

"I'm sorry," said Applejack, "but did ya'll just say Luna?"

"A different one from your Princess," said Gendarmor. "Yours was mentioned in the logs, too."

"But the Luna we're talking about is someone we know," Patricia said. "And kind of wish we didn't."

"We never quite got the name of the full planet," said Gendarmor, "but from what we understand, the main 'Equestria' territory expands far enough across it that we just sort of left things as is."

"It's probably just as well," Twilight said with a sheepish grin. "Most of us don't venture too far outside of its borders. If you ever want more information, there's tons of books you can read on our planet's history. But that's later. I'm sure you came here with a purpose. Maybe we can help. For that matter... what are your names?"

Gendarmor turned to Patricia. "You mean, you didn't introduce us. This whole time. First contact and everything."

Patricia flushed with a sheepish laugh. "I... uh... it never came up?"

Gendarmor pointed to the ponies. "They certainly showed you the courtesy."

Patricia gaped. "You were listening?"

"I'm always listening." Gendarmor turned back around. "Miss Sparkle, Miss Mare, I am genuinely sorry for our lack of manners. That said, I agree that formal introductions are in order. What say you?"

"Uh, yeah. What he said," Patricia said, before adding, "Showoff," under her breath.

---

"Awwww!" Pinkie wailed. So you mean we're still in the present? Time travel didn't happen?"

Applejack barely managed to not roll her eyes into the back of her her head. "'Fraid so, sugarcube. Just as well. I like me some present day."

Pinkie gave a huge sigh. "Too bad! I was going to thank you girls for traveling with me. 'Cause then that would have meant that I wouldn't have to die alone in this unfamiliar future!"

"Pinkie," said Rainbow Dash, "AJ just said we're not-"

An orange hoof momentarily touched her muzzle. Rainbow stopped talking, and looked over to Applejack, who was busy wrapping her hoof in pink gauze.

"And I didn't even have to go there the slow way like, say Princess Celestia would have had to!" Pinkie was still babbling. "'Cause we all know she's immortal, right? Gosh, it just hit me -- it has to be a huge drag seeing ponies die all around her while she-glmmmph!"

Without even looking at what she was doing, Applejack kept her hoof in Pinkie's mouth until she finally stopped talking. Pinkie's tongue slowly snaked out, lapping at the gauze, and her eyebrows raised in happiness. Applejack let her lick for a full thirty seconds before removing her hoof, then shook off the drool-covered gauze with a disgusted look.

"S-... strawberry?" Without hesitation, Pinkie leaped and hugged Applejack. "You've been flavoring them! Thanks!"

"You do this for long enough, you start feelin' guilty," said Applejack. "Let's go join the others, whaddaya say?"

Pinkie nodded with a huge smile. "Sure!"

Three ponies trotted, flew and hopped towards the Golden Oaks Library, unaware of the two dark figures which watched them from a nearby cave.