Doomguy Wants It

by Immortan Joe

Chapter 1: Doomguy Gets Angry

He stood at the edge of a red, glistening portal. In his right hand he clutched the most important thing in his life: his pet Daisy’s head. In his other hand, he held the second dearest thing: his machine gun. He glanced up at the portal, he didn’t know what was behind it. Nor did he care. Anything could be behind that gate, a new world, Earth; shit he could even end up back in Hell. But that didn't bother him, hardly anything ever bothered him, save for the death of his favorite pet rabbit. Fucking imps got him when his back was turned.

Releasing an audible sigh he reattached Daisy to his belt. He gazed into the portal. Furrowing his brow, he took his first step into the red gate. Once his head past through, the entire world went black.


He laid face first in a bush with his ass sticking in the air. Around him he could hear the sounds of chirping birds and a group of little kids who were playing with a beach ball not too far away. Pushing himself out of the bush he shook the leaves off his helmet. He reached for his gun, only to stop when he realized that it wasn't strapped to his back. He began to panic but as quickly as it came, it settled when he noticed that it was only laying a few feet away from him. He picked it up and brushed the leaves and dirt off of it. Using the back of his glove he smiled at the shininess of it once he was finished.


“Hi, girls…” Said a creepy almost pedophile like voice. His vision shot from his gun and over the bush towards the playing…wait a second, those aren't children. At least they didn't look like ordinary kids; instead, looked more like tiny, colorful horses, except one had wings, and the other had a tiny, almost laughable, spike jutting out of its head.

“Oh hi, Twilight,” said the small vanilla colored horse, as she slowly leaned away. “How’s it goin–”

The purple horse spun to face the young little thing. “Grrreat! Just grrreat!” She said as sweat dripped from her forehead, her left eye twitching.

He raised an eyebrow, he knew for a fact that this horse thing’s day was not going good. With the way her mane was and her comical shrunken eyes, he knew she hadn't slept at all. Out of all the fucked up demons he killed, and all the horrible situations he had gotten out of. This small, colorful horse was actually kind of creepy.

The horse began to approach the three little ones. “You three look like you're being great too!” Well not with you acting that way they aren’t. She made her way between the three of them. “Looks like three good friends who obviously don't need the help of.” She stepped in front of the orange bird horse. “Another good friend!” She half shouted as she brought her face so close to the point that hers was almost touching the little kid’s nose.

He stepped back, his eyes wide, what the fuck was wrong with this creature? Doesn't she obviously know that the others don’t like her being around them? Maybe he should do something, you know go down maybe rough up the purple one a bit. Teach her not to get super fucking close to little kids… maybe even threaten to tell the authorities. He glanced up and saw that the horse pulled a small doll out of nowhere.

“This is Smarty Pants,” she said as she nuzzled it, “she was mine when I was your age.” The three kids huddled together, trying their best to get as far away from the purple one as they can. Purple levitated the doll in front of the little ones and shouted, “And I want to give her to you!”

The three younglings stared at the doll that has gone through Hell and back with confusion. “Uhh,” Started the orange bird thing, “She’s a… great!” She obviously lied as she shared a look with her friends.

“Yeeah,” Said the vanilla horse with hardly any enthusiasm, “grrreat.”

Marshmallow brought a hoof up to her chin. “I really like her... maNE.” Her voice cracked.

He shrugged, at least she tried… but in all honesty that doll looks like shit. He swung his machine gun over his shoulder, stretching his back out he got ready to move on. But before he could walk off, he decided to take one last glance at the potential rape scene.

The purple one was sitting down, with a hoof across her chest. “I really hope the fact that they're three of you, and only one of her doesn't become a problllem!” The pitch of her voice was rising as she spoke. Lowering her head she began to murmur something to herself.

Okay he seen enough it was time to get moving, he stretched his legs and cracked his neck. As he turned away he noticed the three kids fighting as they tried to get away, maybe he could notify the horse police or something… maybe call some jockeys or something. He smirked at the thought. Stepping over the bush he began to–Holy Shit!

Hearts, he could see small tiny cartoon hearts going into the shit–no beautiful… so… marvelous doll. He shook his head, why was he attracted to it? It was as if he, for some reason, wanted it. Oh, Jesus why does he want to snuggle with it?!

“I want it,” shouted the orange one.

“I neeed it…” said the vanilla one.

“I really like her MAne!” Squeaked marshmallow.


He pounded his right fist into the palm of his left hand, he then cracked his knuckles and charged as fast as he could towards the now fighting kids. Springing out from the bushes he dove into the fray, grabbing marshmallow by the right hoof he threw her into a nearby bush. Holding vanilla away with his left hand, while using the doll in a tug a war match with the bird horse thing. However, this didn't even prove to be a challenge since the bird horse was dangling off the ground, flapping her pathetic wings at an alarming rate.

Twilight stared wide eyed at the spontaneous mosh pit; she shook her head and decided to go along with her original plan. She stepped forward. “Okay, okay break it up,” She said, her once crazed appearance completely gone in the dark. “I believe there is an important lesson that can be le–”

Releasing his death clutch from the vanilla horse’s face he cocked his left arm back and floored the purple horse in the face, which caused her to fly back a few feet. Twilight stumbled back onto her hooves, rubbing her snout she sighed. “Hey come on! Aren't we all friends?” Her horn flared with magic and in a single blink she was on the other side of the few.

Sweetie Belle, who was still in the bush, sat up straight and shook the leaves out from her mane; she glanced up at the tall creature who was fending off Applebloom and Scootaloo. Sweetie climbed onto her hooves and charged the giant masculine monstrosity, she then jumped into the air, and latched onto its shoulders.

“Come on guys don’t you think we should share?” Twilight asked as she tried her best to fix her mistake.

“No way!” Applebloom muffled into his hand, he shook his back, trying to fling the small marshmallow creature off him. Though, he could've just fell backwards and crush the poor thing; however, that would require letting go of his adorable new toy. The four of them flustered Twilight, she released an irritated groan. Twilight then got into a pounce position and dove into the pit. She rammed into his side causing him to stumble back and fall onto his side, which caused him to let go of his prized possession. His eyes widened in fear as the small orange filly took hold of it, but before she could run off she was tackled to the ground by the other two fillies. He got up off the ground, looking over at the small purple unicorn he took her by the throat and threw her to the side.

Twilight spun as she flew only to end up smacking, back first, into Big Macintosh. “Oh thank goodness, Big Macintosh!" Twilight groaned and straightened herself out. "You gotta help me get that–”

A loud bang erupted from the pit as a pink object whizzed past Twilight’s head, milliseconds later a large smoldering hole had formed in a nearby tree. Twilight’s eyes widened and her pupils shrunk, glancing over her shoulder she saw that he had his machinegun out. But luckily before he fired one of the fillies must’ve pushed his arm to the side by accident.

Twilight faced Big Mac again. “Eeyup,” is all he said as if he knew what Twilight was going to ask. He pushed past Twilight and made his way over to the tall creature who was triumphantly wielding the doll, as if he had just won an Olympic medal.

He smiled as he dangled the doll over the filly’s heads, like what an owner would do when playing with his cat. The fillies jumped in the air attempting to latch onto it with their teeth, while marshmallow over there tried to use her magicy stuff to get it. He turned away from the fillies finally deciding that he had enough of them, but before he could take his first step. He felt something snag onto his snuggly pants, his head instantly snapped towards whoever grabbed.

His brows furrowed and boy if he could shoot lasers man fucking everything would be on fire right now. A large red stallion took the toy and yanked it out of his hand, the stallion then turned away from him and went back over to the purple horse. But before she could thank him, he took off!

He clenched his fists together; his nostrils flared causing his visor to blur a bit. Pounding his fist together he shook his head disappointingly, there’s no holding back now. Nobody… Nobody takes Daisy 2.0 from him and gets away with it!

He sprinted towards the horse, but to his avail it was just too fast for him to keep up with. Behind him he could hear the shouts of other horses behind, he took a quick glance over his shoulder. Behind him came about a dozen more horses, and horse bird like creatures their eyes all filled with the look of love for the doll.

One by the one they ran and flew past him, and as more came by the angrier he got. Maybe it was time he slowed things down a bit, he grabbed hold of his machine gun he rose it up and took aim. He then gently squeezed the trigger, a loud bang erupted from the gun and the bullet soared through the air like an eagle with nitrous coming out its ass. The bullet punctured a mint green horse’s leg causing it to go head over heels. He smiled and aimed at the next, just like before he fired another round sadly though he missed his target.

He took his gaze forward; in front of him was a large crowd of horses. All of them piling on top of each other like ants, he pushed forward even faster. He jumped forward and landed on the back of one of the horses, reaching upwards he grabbed onto the mane of a brown horse that had an hour glass for a tattoo on his ass. He used the mane as a rope as he pulled himself up the massive dog pile of horses. Through his feet he could feel the mosh pit raging below him the farther he went.

Once he reached the top of the mountain of equines he noticed the red one who was still flinging the doll around in his disgusting slobbery mouth. The red one craned his head to the side when he noticed him, before the stallion could react though he smashed the butt of his gun into his face knocking him out instantly. The stallion dropped the toy but before any other horse could take it he lunged out and snagged it with left hand.

Placing his right foot on one of the horse’s faces he pushed himself on top of the mound. He stood up and gazed down at the kind of colorful yet horrific sight, he raised his gun once more, and pulled the trigger… the gun clicked.


He pulled the trigger again… it clicked again.


He did it again, it clicked again.


Before he could try anything else a beam of magic came out of nowhere and struck his gun out of his hand. Startled by the random act he turned to face his random opponent, below the pile crawled the same mint green horse he shot earlier. Despite her love filled eyes she seemed rather angry, he snarled. Diving off the crowd he landed before minty taking a few steps forward he strapped Daisy 2.0 to his belt.

Behind him the crowd still raged not even knowing that he just left. He hunched forward and clutched minty by the horn, he lifted her off the ground so that he was staring her straight in the eyes.

“Give me, that doll human!” She growled.

“…” He replied.

The unicorn lashed out with her right hoof but he caught it with his left hand, before she could attack him with her left hoof he tossed her aside just like the others. Behind him a cotton candy colored horse tackled him; he stumbled forward with his arms out stretched. He caught himself, but before he could stand up the horse kicked him in the side which sent him to the ground.

The horse stood on her hind legs getting ready to bombard him with kicks. He rolled out of the way right as her hooves slammed into the dirt, quickly climbing to his feet he lunged at her with his arm out stretched. His arm smashed into her right eye, which sent her barrel rolling in the opposite direction.

Noticing that she wasn’t going to get back up, he stood up straight. He reached down towards his belt and took Daisy 2.0 in his hand. Stroking her beautiful mane he began walking up the hill where the only six unaffected horses laid in shock. He smiled at his new prize, he finally found her. He finally found the suitable replacement for his rabbit, and all he had to do is take it from a few stupid horses. Oh the fun they’re going to have when they get home, maybe he’ll take her to the park or even give her bath. Oh the wonders they would endure, the adventures they’ll ha–

“Twilight Sparkle!”

He glanced up and saw a larger horse bird thing, but this time it had a horn coming out of its head. Surrounding it was a bright aura which didn’t really bother him since he was still wearing his marine helmet. He shrugged and continued up the hill stroking his new pet, now where was he… oh yeah–

A bright light engulfed everything around him which caused him to stop in his tracks. Once the light dissipated he became confused, he checked his surroundings… what… what the fuck where was he!? Why is he in a fucking field in the middle of twilight! What the fuck is that white horse thing with candy colored hair, which seems to be flowing magically? Why are all these creatures staring at him? Where’s his gun!? Why is he holding a toy!? Is he high?

Then it dawned on him… it dawned on him real hard… and I mean really hard. His head slowly shifted its way towards the purple unicorn. She did this… she drugged him.

The seven ponies raised an eyebrow at the sight of the now twitching creature. “Is… is it alright?” Applejack asked Twilight who stood there with a guilty look strung across her face.

“What exactly is it?” Rainbow Dash asked as she hovered in place with her forelegs crossed.

His eyes twitched as his entire conscious was consumed by pure anger, the same exact anger he succumbed to the day he found Daisy’s head on that stake. He became so angry that his body began to shake uncontrollably, grabbing the toy by the neck he tore its head off. Which elicited a surprised gasp from the seven horses; a wicked smile pierced his lips. In an instant he began to rip the toy to pieces at an immense speed, within seconds the toy once known as smarty pants was now a pile of stuffing. He scooped the stuffing up off the dirty ground and chucked it at Twilight.

The stuffing smacked her in the face causing her to stumble back, and once she removed the stuffing she was greeted by a fist to the face. An explosion of pain surged through out her entire body, her vision was blinded by a cascade of stars. Next thing she knew she laid on the ground gazing up at the stars.

Dusting his armor off, he gave all the ponies’ double middle fingers while he walked off into the sunset towards the town in the distance.

Author's Notes:

People whatever you do, don't take this random story seriously. I do in fact love Lyra and every other character I made Doomguy slightly beat up. (You're just lucky I didn't make him kill them instead. Which is what I originally intended to do.) But yeah this was just written for my entertainment. (Not yours so you better not enjoy this.)

So yeah... Have fun!

This has been Dark Nebula and like always, have a nice day!

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