Ode to Pinkie Pie
Chapter 4: The Middlegame: Foolishness
Previous Chapter Next ChapterA few days later, Suffering went into the Everfree Forest which was secluded from the world. To this day, it is still the one place in Equestria which cannot be tamed by ponies. Thus it was a perfect place for her to take a quiet walk through. Though it was dim, I perceived that she could see everything around her though as it was midday as was evident in her avoidance of particularly dangerous paths. She seemed to know which way to go even when the trails ended and always easily steered clear of feral creatures, which would have gone unnoticed until it was too late if a mortal were traversing through the wood.
Eventually, she came to a place in the deepest part of the forest. She crossed a rickety bridge and stood before the ruins of the great lunar palace. I sighed as I followed her to its doors. So much history was contained within it, yet its former glory had faded away with centuries of neglect. As she stepped through the threshold of the main gate, memories flooded through my mind as I saw the beautiful stained glass windows that depicted the heroic deeds of ponies in the past. Moreover, there was a quality in the ruin that made it seem magical. One could almost feel the magic of the place which had accumulated over the long years. There was just something about the mossy stone and broken roof letting in sunlight that made one feel like there were enough secrets there to fill a library there. And that if one simply sat down and listened for a few minutes, they might be able to hear a whispering voice speaking those perpetual mysteries.
Suffering stepped into the throne room. It was a breathtaking view. The room was circular with the roof purposely missing for the purpose of stargazing. Around the walls were monolithic Corinthian columns a hundred feet high. Each section of a column, being five feet long and ten feet around, had a great story or legend carved into it in Equestrian. These were the last remnants of those who have fought the good fight and made history remember them that they might live forever. The two great seats of power still remained. Although now they were simple slabs of stone, in their day they were heavily ornamented with elaborate patterns boasting fine silk and gold and colorful cushions. The dais had in its center a great circle with a silver star with ten points carved into the stone. Around it were several words in a forgotten language containing what was rumored in the old days to be awesome power. In its center, Fear was sitting.
Suffering approached her and said, “My Fear, I believe that we are in one accord. Truly this place is perfect for our purposes, unlike the restrictive and inappropriate nature of that wood to which we are so accustomed.” The black alicorn did not respond, but sat with her eyes closed as if she were in deep thought. “Are you still fuming over your wasted efforts on the adversary? ‘Twas truly not so much of a defeat was it?”
“It was not a vain attempt." Fear said. "The master of war does not waste her time making moves which only fulfill one objective. Thus, by no means does she ever make one that may succeed solely by way of chance.”
The white alicorn snorted. “What other goal could you have had in mind during that display? Your sole desire was to intimidate the mare into submission, no?”
Fear began. “Do you recall when I said that we must know our enemy in order to win this war?”
Suffering responded. “Yes, I do.”
“That was my intent in the process of that attempt, but I assume that you are nonplussed as to how one can make a connection between these two premises?”
“Indeed, I do not see your warrant.”
“Would it be fair to say that in the course of our deliberation, we considered every possibility; exploring every conceivable scenario that could become reality in this war?”
“That is fair.”
“However, as intensive as these calculations were, is it not unfortunate that we cannot, as of now, be certain of exactly which train of events this conflict will follow?”
Suffering answered, “That is very unfortunate.” It was at this point that I realized Fear was very intelligent (or at least well read). Either she had thought of this exchange ahead of time or she was forming a didactic argument on the spot. Each of her questions had to be phrased perfectly so that they could only be answered with a positive or negative response.
The war-logician continued. “In addition to gathering intelligence, must we not also be most concerned with slowing our enemy’s progress with continuous attacks in the interest of speed, which is key in this war?”
“That is equally important.”
“The game of chess was made to resemble war. In the game, each player may only move one piece per turn. If we could somehow accomplish both of those goals simultaneously, or kill two birds with one stone, as it were, would that not be greatly advantageous for us?”
“Doing so would be very beneficial.”
“With this in mind, my intentions for that act of diplomacy can become obvious. On one hand I did indeed leave a matter to chance; that being the wish that our opponent would simply quit early in the game. However, my design was not limited to that. On the other hand, my other, unspoken purpose was to force her to reveal something about herself. For in the words of a philosopher, ‘You do not truly know somepony until you fight them.’ Of course, I percieve that this universal statement does not fully satisfy your curiosity on the matter of my aim?”
“I am still in the dark as for the specifics.”
“As I have just said, my goal was to compel her to reveal either her weaknesses or at least her strengths. By demanding that she surrender, I created a situation where she would be compelled to act. In acting, she showed a great strength: that she is both determined to carry out her mission and unafraid to face any obstacle to do that. But, this is not the whole of the matter. The strength in an enemy is a daunting hindrance for a weak general, but for a strong general, it is a valuable indication. Tell me, if you are the general of an army of a finite number of soldiers and you send men the frontlines to strengthen your rear, have you not, by strengthening your rear, weakened your frontline?”
“Of course.”
“And conversely, if you realize that the frontline is lacking in force and you send soldiers from your rear to strengthen it, have you not weakened your rear?”
“Such reasoning is elementary.”
“With this in mind, because our foe is strong in one area, namely courage, does the principle derived from this example not imply that she is weak in another?”
“That is not unthinkable.”
“Then we have thus arrived at the thoughts which were upon my mind at the time of our last move which in part drove me to make it. I sought to reveal her weakness, but instead I found a strength. Yet this strength, by nature, has the potential to reveal a weakness. With the hope that such a weakness exists, a foreseen event which we have recently witnessed is now the subject of our interest. Returning to our metaphor that this war can be likened to chess, is not the goal of chess twofold; being to protect one’s own king and kill the other?”
“That is the objective.”
“Therefore, in the opening of the game, should a good player not make it his goal to protect one’s king with a castle of defensive pieces and position his offensive pieces in such a way that they are most able to attack?”
“That sounds like a good strategy.”
“Yet, because only one piece can be moved per turn, does not this appear like a lengthy process which would consume a great deal of time?”
“It appears that such maneuvering would require much time.”
“Yet, if we examine our specific situation, the opening has lasted but a few days. Thus both kings are undefended and the forces of both sides are not in a position to launch a massive assault. This often leads to many smaller scale skirmishes which are difficult to both plan and win. Such a decision to end the opening quickly is to take a considerable risk, for either it means that one believes that one is more skilled at reading into very difficult hypothetical trains of possibilities, or that one is foolish. Strength (the trait which our enemy has) and intelligence are rarely two traits which are held in the same person. Hence, does it not seem likely that our opponent is lacking in intelligence?”
“Such an induction is true.”
“Good! Then it should be obvious that our next attack should fulfill two goals. Firstly, we must slow or halt the opponent’s advance. Secondly, we must do that in such a way that we reveal a weakness of our enemy that our future attacks may exploit that weakness. Therefore, would it not be wise to design an attack which would confirm whether or not our enemy is irrational?”
“Such council is quite wise.”
“Then finally, we have arrived at the current subject of my thoughts. I am in the process of preparing a piece to throw in our adversary’s way and know her fault for certain. There is only one issue for which I do not have a solution. While momentum is not the sole factor that wins a war, it is nonetheless a substantial one. The mare has begun a series of attacks that we have been forced to respond to; using up our turns while she prepares subsequent assaults.”
To this, Suffering finally found a chance to break the chain and speak for herself. “That is no problem at all!” She said with a wide, evil grin spreading across her face. “In fact, I already know the exact path we can take in order to meet both of those goals with ease.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Once more, I found myself observing Pinkie Pie. The heroine was before Nurse Redheart outside of the operating room of the Ponyville hospital. “Well … Is she going to be okay?”
The practitioner of medicine looked at the jolly mare with eyes of pity. “We were able to stop Rainbow Dash’s bleeding for the time being.” She said at first, but there was an extremely uneasy pause. “But I regret to say that we couldn’t completely stop the progression of the disease. We’ve never seen anything like it. It spread through her system so fast that if you didn’t get her here when you did, then she wouldn’t be alive now.” She paused again. Pinkie leaned in close to the white mare; looking like she was desperate to quickly hear what she knew was coming. “And unfortunately, because of the severity of the symptoms and how little we know about this ailment, she only has a little time to live.”
The pink pony’s eyes grew wide. There was another uneasy silence. My heart ached for her. She loved all of Ponyville dearly, but she loved Rainbow Dash more than she loved herself. I knew that such a report about her beloved friend was simply too much to take. I had never seen such an expression on her face before; at least not since I saw her on the rock farm as a filly. Her mouth opened as though she wanted to say something but wasn’t able to speak a word. Finally she managed with her voice shaky and cracking, “I can’t accept that. I’ll go to her and make her happy. Then she’ll get better because laughter is the best way to get better.”
The nurse put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m not going to lie to you, because I know that you really care for Rainbow. This isn’t a kind of disease that can be healed like that. This is different. If you really care for your friend, you should find another way. While hard science has no answer, you may find one elsewhere.”
The joy-bringer’s head fell. “Thank you Nurse Redheart. I’ll go and find a way to make Dashie get better. How much time does she have?”
“Like I said, she doesn’t have long. Don’t take my word for it, because I can’t say for sure, but I’d say she has about six days.”
Pinkie looked up; being very shocked. “Is that it? That’s not even a week.”
“Well, this is an extremely advanced infection. I admit it shocks me as well, because it usually takes symptoms like this days to emerge. It’s like this ailment was engineered or something.”
Pinkie galloped out of the hospital in a rush. From her suddenness, I perceived that she had an idea. She ran hard and fast and soon passed the west entrance to the city. She continued on and eventually neared the Everfree Forest. Reaching it, she skated the edges until she found a well-travelled pathway. She followed it and, with her rapidity soon arrived at the house of Zecora. She hurriedly beat upon the door and called her name.
When Zecora answered the door, Pinkie let out a torrent of speech. “Zecora, you gotta help me. Rainbow Dash got sick all of a sudden and then I took her to the hospital and then they tried to help her like forever and I was so worried and then Nurse Redheart told me that she’s gonna die in six days and I can’t help her get better with smiles. You gotta help me!” She ended and sucked in air; having spoken all in one breath.
“Well, Pinkie Pie you must come in now, for I wish to help you, this I vow. Come, I must hear more of this disease, for if I know of it we can cure in it a breeze.” Saying this, the Zebra ushered the mare inside and asked her to recount more clearly the events leading up to Rainbow Dash’s hospitalization. She pushed hard in order to have Pinkie tell her more of her symptoms. Finally she seemed to have reached a conclusion. “We may yet be able to cure your friend before she meets her untimely end. I saw this ailment in my younger day. It came from above. Above must pay. But for now you must go to a place which you must get to with all haste. There you will surely find the cure, if your intentions are right and your heart be pure. I will tell you of a place in the east, where you will find a most fearsome beast. It’s a sphinx that guards what you seek, but to get past her, wisdom you will have to speak.”
Hearing this, Pinkie did not care to hear the “details” but frantically asked Zecora to tell her how to reach this place. She complied, but warned her throughout her directions. As soon as she knew where she was going, she bolted off. The look which she had given the nurse pony was gone. It was now replaced by a countenance of the greatest determination, beyond any I had ever seen her make. She embarked on a self-ordained mission in which she would not falter. Hearing the words of Zecora, she had glimpsed the prize. For two days she travelled east; barely sleeping and not eating. Through rain and beating heat she galloped as fast as she could through grasslands and forests and rivers. When two days had passed, she arrived at the edge of a desert of sand where she found a massive pyramid whose faces where covered with silver and whose tips were covered with gold.
Hurrying around to its south face, she found a great door which led into the edifice. She went in and found a large chamber dimly lit by torches. On the far wall was a door which she sprinted towards. But as she neared it, her tail twitched and she heard a terrifying screech from above. She yipped and looked up to find a sphinx falling from the ceiling. She leapt out of the way and narrowly avoided being crushed.
The beast landed with a crash and screamed, “Why are you here?”
Despite the ferocity of the creature, Pinkie answered boldly, “I’m here to get a cure for my sick friend.”
The fiend’s face was human in nature but very misconstrued. Upon hearing this, suddenly it fell to its belly. “I am the guardian of this cure which you seek.” She said. “If you seek an end to the Red Death you must answer my riddle. Answer correctly and I will move aside. Answer wrongly and I will attack. Does this make you afraid? The choice to hear it is yours.”
At this point it should not surprise you that Pinkie did not need to think to answer that question. “Tell me the riddle. I have to save Dashie.”
The sphinx smiled and flared her tongue briefly. The she spoke in a whisper. “I can be found where anything cannot. Dead men eat me all the time, but if a living man eats me, he'll die. What am I?”
I gave the riddle a moment’s thought and soon came to the answer. It was child’s play once one gave it thought. The same could not be said for Pinkie; for as I looked up, she appeared clueless. First, there was a blank expression on her face. Then her visage contorted as she began to think hard about it. I sighed. She was overthinking it, and would probably never come to the answer. She was a smart mare, but I perceived that plays on words were not her forte. As she did with every other problem she faced, she sat on her rump and racked her mind for a solution. Yet, as I said, the answer to that kind of question cannot be found in the deep recesses of the mind, but rather it is in the most visible parts.
For several hours she thought; her face screwed up in deep thought. I noticed also the sphinx. As time passed, she began to stare at Pinkie very intently. The look on her face was the same as when a lion eyes the choicest gazelle. She was extremely patient as she did not move; waiting for an answer. Yet it appeared to me as if she was exercising great control in not immediately leaping upon and devouring the helpless pony. At one point I thought I saw a drop of drool leak out the corner of her mouth, but maybe it was just my imagination.
After the sun had crossed a great portion of the sky, Pinkie finally broke and exclaimed. “I can’t take it anymore. I have to try something. I’m just gonna guess.”
Hearing this, the sphinx looked like she was about to explode with sadistic glee. But her voice was very calm and smooth. “Very well. Give me your answer and we shall see if fortune favors you.”
Pinkie hesitated only for a moment. It was obvious she was about to commit suicide with this decision. I wished then that I could have helped her and shouted out for her not to speak, though of course she could not hear me. She yelled out, “It’s poi-”
“Pinkie, wait!” A voice shouted from outside the pyramid. In rushed four ponies which I knew well. They were the Element bearers. Twilight, the unicorn who would one day be praised as the greatest sage of all time; answering the most difficult questions which had stumped philosophers since ancient times and fathoming the greatest mysteries, had shouted to her friend. “Pinkie, don’t answer if you don’t know!”
The pink mare glanced back and gasped. “How did you all know I was here?”
“Zecora told us everything and we came as fast as we could. You shouldn’t guess on a riddle if it means staking your life on it.”
“But I have to try. Even if there’s only a teeny chance, I still have to take it to save Dashie.”
The herald of the dawn answered, “But that’s no reason to risk your life when you have other options. You’re right that we have to save Rainbow, but you should have asked us for help. Tell us the riddle and we can help you.”
Applejack broke in. “She’s right, Sugarcube. Y’all shoulda asked us to help ya. We wanna save RD just as much as you and ah reckon we have just as much a right.” Fluttershy and Rarity nodded in agreement.
Seeing that she was not alone, a tear came to Pinkie’s eye. “Thank you. Thank you all so much. I love you guys.”
Rarity answered, “There’s no reason to thank us, dear. We are simply doing what friends do. Now, let’s hurry. We need to act quickly if we’re going to get back to Ponyville in time.”
Twilight addressed the Sphinx. “Tell me the riddle and I’ll answer it.”
“I gave the riddle to the pink one. Thus the pink one is to answer. There is no turning back.”
Twilight groaned. “Pinkie, tell me, what was the riddle?”
Pinkie thought back for a moment. “It went, ‘I can be found where anything cannot. Dead men eat me all the time, but if a living man eats me, he'll die. What am I?’”
It took Twilight only a few seconds to find the solution. She said happily, “Oh, that’s easy. The answer is-”
“Tell her the answer and I will be permitted to destroy you!” The sphinx screamed. All of the five jumped back. Fluttershy covered her eyes and fell to the ground, shaking. “Did I not say it was her question to answer?”
Again the star-marked unicorn groaned and she slapped her hoof to her face. “Pinkie, I can’t tell you what it is, but I can give you a hint.” She looked towards the monster. “Right?”
The sphinx shifted uneasily and responded, “There is no statute against aiding her.”
Twilight looked back at her friend and said, “Pinkie, I know that you have it in you. I may be wrong, but considering how long you’ve been here, I’d say you’re overthinking it. It sounded like you were about to say poison, but you have to think. Dead men can’t eat poison. In fact, they can’t eat at all.”
Pinkie looked confused. “But the riddle said…”
“Exactly.”
Suddenly, a figurative light bulb materialized over the party pony’s head. She immediately looked at the sphinx with a triumphant and confident glare and said. “It’s nothing!”
The hybrid creature suddenly looked horrified, and said, “Correct.” After saying this, she disappeared into nothingness. The four shouted and cheered when they saw this and ran to hug the victor all at once. The celebration went on until Fluttershy quietly said, “Um, girls, we still have to get the cure.” So they all realized that time was short and they broke through the door at the far end of the chamber.
Running inside, they found a vile with a white liquid resting upon an altar. Twilight quickly grabbed it with magic and placed it inside her saddlebag since Pinkie, who had made no time for such preparation, did not have one. So as a team, they all braved the elements over the great terrain on the journey back to Ponyville. Like lightning they flew over the fields and grasslands and woods. Together they braved the everlasting storm. Bolting into the east gate of Ponyville, they rushed headlong to the hospital. Thus, on the evening of the fifth day of Rainbow Dash’s strange illness, she was given the cure, which has been replicated today and is now called spesalbus, which means, “The white hope.” On the second morning after this, the pegasus was released with a clean bill of health. And once more, Pinkie was praised by the town for doing a great deed. Yet this time, her greatest friends, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, we lauded with her.
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