She looked at Rarity from across the bedroom, dressed in a long, white, nightgown with blue trim, leaning into the vanity to brush out her mane into utter perfection, and couldn't help but feel an overwhelmingly intense surge of emotion – a pang of love so strong she thought she’d faint with its force, mixed with an aching longing that pierced her chest acutely.

Applejack wanted nothing more than to touch her, press her face into her styled mane and inhale the scent of her shampoo, her warm neck and wrap her forlegs protectively around Rarity and hear her giggle in response as she snuggled against her – but she knew that none of those things, now only a sweet memory, would happen even if she tried.

So, she remained rooted to her spot on the other side of the room with the bed between them, and tried to focus on smoothing out the covers through a nervous habit. Nevertheless, her gaze still insisted on drifting back to her, drinking in her beauty. Her throat ached and she was suddenly overcome with a strong urge to cry, but she blinked back her tears.

Rarity met her gaze in the vanity mirror, over her shoulder, and granted her a small smile. Applejack felt her heart give a small leap for joy – Rarity hadn't smiled at her in so long. Most ponies would have probably said that it had been so long they'd forgotten what it looked like, but she could never forget Rarity’s smile and how it lit up her whole face, making her even more beautiful than she normally was – if that were even possible.

"You look beautiful, Rarity," she whispered reverently. She hadn't meant to. The words were there and she simply couldn't stop herself – she didn't want to stop herself.

Immediately after, however, she tensed, wondering if she’d made a mistake. Her compliments hadn't succeeded in doing much lately other than aggravating her. She held her breath, awaiting the inevitable snippy retort, or, worse yet – far worse – silence. No acknowledgement at all. Continuation of the cold war that raged between them all day and night, every day for the last month and a half. Since the loss.

But it seemed tonight there would be a truce. Rarity turned to look at her, and her blue eyes were shining with what Applejack could've sworn was love and tenderness, but was too afraid to hope anymore. Experience had taught her not to get her hopes up when it seemed Rarity was having a "good" day – because, irrevocably, her disposition would change just as quickly as it had come to begin with and she’d be back to stony silence and cold distance.

"Thank you, dear. So do you."

Rarity had never meant anything so sincerely, but she knew Applejack was afraid to believe her. And despite not being able to blame her, Rarity couldn't help but feel hurt.

"Do…do you need help with that?"

Applejack’s voice was tentative, hedging. Rarity glanced up at her, once again meeting her eyes over her shoulder in the mirror, and there was no mistaking the fear in her lover’s voice. She swallowed hard, licked her lips, and nodded. Even if the help was completely unneeded.

"Thank you."

Applejack gingerly stepped up behind her, taking the comb from her magic and softly, slowly, running it through her mane.

The warmth of her skin emanated from her, the scent of her mane and her perfume bathing Applejack with memories of what it felt like to taste her skin, touch its softness, and feel her mane against her cheek.

A lump formed in her throat that she forced herself to swallow back down as she worked gently to brush out non-existent tangles.

Rarity closed her eyes, lost for a moment in the touch, and in that one, brief moment, she remembered the same thing. The feel of orange lips against her neck and shoulder, Applejack’s softly whispered words of adoration in her ear, her scent surrounding her, her hoofs smoothing over her stomach and down to cup her hips, reaching down between her legs…

When she opened her eyes again, she saw that the orange mare had stopped the brush, and was now staring at her in the mirror once again. The look of pain and longing on her face, in those emerald eyes, was like a physical ache to Rarity’s heart. She swallowed hard and whispered her name, so softly she feared she might not have heard.

"Applejack..."

With a shaking hoof, clearly afraid of rebuke but unable to stop herself, Applejack reached up and gently skimmed it over her shoulder. Rarity stiffened at the touch, her breath hitched in anticipation of what her lover would do next. Applejack watched her intently, and when she didn't shove her away as she normally would these days, the need became too great and she leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to the side of her neck.

Rarity felt her eyes sink closed as teeth nibbled their way down her neck and across her bare shoulder, Applejack pressing her body closer to hers, enveloping her in warmth. Despite herself, Rarity arched her neck in a gesture of unconscious invitation, a tiny moan escaping her lips when Applejack hit the particularly sensitive spot below her ear. The orange pony’s hoofs gently caressed her shoulders and collarbone, before she straightened to press her lips into a styled mane.

"I love you, Rares."

Rarity’s eyes shot open, and she looked at their reflection, seeing Applejack so blissfully buried into her. Her stomach lurched. Suddenly, without warning, it was back – the wave of apathy and resentment, ice-cold and nonsensical and unforgiving, her intense desire to shove the farmpony away battling with her equally intense desire to hold her close, pepper her face with kisses and never let her go.

At her silence, emerald eyes fluttered open, meeting hers in the reflection. Instantly, uncertainty and doubt bloomed across Applejack’s features. She swallowed hard and whispered again.

"I love you, Rarity."

The tone was different this time, a mixture of hope and desperation and fear. In that moment, she knew how badly Applejack needed her to say it back. But despite her best efforts to force the words out, they just couldn't seem to release their claw-like grip on her lips.

I love you too, Applejack.

I miss you so much.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I've been so awful.

Please forgive me.

I need you.

I can't live without you. I don't want to.

The hurt in her green eyes darkened, and Rarity could see the tell-tale glossy sheen filling them with lightening speed. Applejack looked as though someone had just stabbed her in the stomach. When she spoke again, her words were garbled with tears.

"Do…do you love me, Rarity?"

The question was as painful as a physical blow.

The guilt and shame that had been rising up within her like steam in a pressure cooker popped, and before she knew what she was doing, she whirled around to face Applejack, her own eyes filling with tears and her countenance at nigh hysterical levels.

"How could you ask me that?!" Her voice was shrill, hoarse and cracking with self-loathing. Applejack flinched, stepping back from her slightly. When she responded, she could barely choke the words out.

"Is it really so hard for you to say it back?"

"That question was completely unfair and you know it!" She knew she was deflecting, knew she was avoiding, knew she was in the wrong, but, as per the pattern she'd been following for weeks now, she kept digging herself deeper and deeper.

The tears fell over Applejack’s lashes now. She made no effort to hide it. Despite it, Rarity could see that anger was coming to the farmpony’s defense; and she had every intention of calling her on her avoidance.

"It's not the slightest bit unfair when you consider the way you've been treating me! You've done nothing but push me away for weeks! That is not love! I never know what to think around you anymore, so yes, Rarity, I need to ask! This right here? That was the first time you've let me touch you in over a month! Ever since the baby!"

Rarity instantly snapped erect, as though she had been slapped. Applejack’s complete fearlessness to shove the elephant in the room, the one she had been so desperately trying to avoid, right in her face nearly took her breath away. "That's not true!"

The second the words were out, she knew Applejack would shoot them down instantly. Rightfully so.

She did not disappoint. She gaped, stunned by her outright lie. "It is true! You know it's true! You barely even look at me, let alone speak to me! You won't let me touch you or kiss you or hold you, you snap at everything I say and do, and no matter what I do it's always wrong! It's like you can hardly stand to be under the same roof together! I don't understand! You won't tell me anything you're feeling since the miscarriage or what I've done to deserve this! You want to know what's 'unfair?' That's what's unfair!"

Her tears finally spilled over as well, her teeth clenching together. "Oh, well, I'm so sorry that it's been so difficult for you to deal with me! Please, forgive me!"

"Don't you dare!" Applejack snarled, startling her with the ferocity. "You're not going to do that, Rarity! You're not going to turn this around on me and make it out to be as though I'm the bad guy! Stop avoiding everything I say! Why won't you answer the question? Why won't you tell me what you're feeling?" she gripped Rarity desperately by her shoulders, forcing the other mare to look into her eyes. "Why won't you let me help you? What did I do? I can't fix it if you won't tell me!"

"You wouldn't understand!" Rarity sobbed, her voice breaking.

"How do you know if you won't let me try?" Applejack shot back, sobbing as well.

"You can't fix it Applejack!" Rarity’s words were now almost incomprehensible, drowned in tears. "Nopony can! Nopony can fix it! It's gone! It's all gone, and I can't get it back!"

She didn't need her to clarify what "it" meant. She knew. The baby. The future they'd hoped for with it. Rarity’s life as she knew it. Her passion, her emotion, her strong-willed nature, the fire within her that had captivated Applejack so intently to begin with. She watched as Rarity buried her face in her hoofs, crying so hard it looked as though she were being ripped in two. Instantly, the fight drained out of Applejack and her heart broke on her wife’s behalf. She reached for her, praying to the spirits that she would not push her away. Thankfully, she didn't.

"Please, Rare," she wept hoarsely against her temple, holding her shaking body as tightly as she could. "Please, please talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling. Let me comfort you. Let me grieve with you. Let me in. Please."

Applejack’s anguished plea was Rarity’s undoing, and she looked up at her, her bright, blue eyes wet with sorrow. She tried to form words, but nothing came at first, her mouth moving soundlessly. Then, finally, she managed to tear them from her throat.

"I feel nothing," she confessed brokenly. "Nothing, Applejack. I don't feel anything. About anything."

Applejack looked at her, blankly at first, and then her tear-stained face clouded over with dread. Despite her obvious terror, she asked the question anyway.

"Including for me?"

There was a horrible, awful, billowing silence. Rarity blinked at Applejack, her wet blue eyes welling anew with unshed tears. She wanted nothing more than to reassure her, swear that she still adored the other mare as much as the day she had married her, that she felt deeper for her than anything in her life, but once again, her words chose to betray her and stay buried within.

It was clear that the farmer took her silence for her answer. Applejack's forelegs fell limply to the floor, and she swallowed hard, her throat bobbing spasmodically with her tears. In that moment, she was certain that nothing had ever hurt as much in her life, and that nothing would ever hurt as much again.

Suddenly, Applejack felt as though she could not breathe here in this room, this room that had always been such a haven of love and comfort. She slowly stepped back from Rarity, doing her best to ignore the wild panic darkening in her azure eyes.

Please don't go, please don't leave me, stay, I love you, I love you so much, I don't mean any of it, I'll always love you, it's all my fault –

"Oh," Applejack whispered.

And with that, she turned on her heel and walked out.

Next Chapter: Chapter 2 Estimated time remaining: 41 Minutes