“I dunno. Poke it with a stick, maybe.”

“Would you quit pokin’ it, already?” Apple Bloom groaned in exasperation, eyes darting about. It was no wonder that she was on edge, but her friends’ curiosity was beginning to infect her. The… thing that lay curled in the demolished ruin of their clubhouse stirred, causing her to scuttle backwards.

“Cool!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically, practically prancing around the odd bipedal as it ever so slowly sat up. “I saw one of these in a zoology book – it’s like it’s right out of Prance!”

“You got it wrong,” Scootaloo deadpanned. “Monkeys mainly inhabit the Zebrican inlands.”

“Nuh-uh!” the unicorn began to retort, before the ‘monkey’ in question began speaking.

And I say speaking, but the befuddled tone of his sputtering could hardly be called talking.

“Talking,” he finally managed to spit out, and Vegeta’s eyes were almost bulging out of his head. “I’m surrounded by talking ponies.” For a long moment, he simply cradled his head in both hands, thinking heavily.

“Ho-lee horse apples,” Apple Bloom breathed in fascination. “It talked!”

“Yeah, that’s great.” Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose. “You mind not choking me to death with the irony?” It took him a full moment to realize it, but it finally sank in. “Huh. Guess my space armor’s tougher than I thought.”

“Space armor?”

“From space.”

Apple Bloom gawked in shock, trying to make sense of the bizarre situation and simultaneously develop a course of action. Instead, she simply wound up staring at him harder than Scootaloo was.

“Space,” the pegasus repeated in disbelief, the skepticism plain on her features.

“Yeah.” Vegeta said expressionlessly. “From space. The space armor’s from space, I’m from space-“

“We get it.” Scootaloo’s brows furrowed, suddenly noting the peculiarly twitching tail behind him. “You’re from space.”

“You’re an alien?!” Sweetie Belle jolted out of her stupor, giving the end of his tail a whack with her hoof, as if to check if it were real.

Vegeta picked the pony up by the scruff of her neck, a fire hotter than the sun of Malkior VII in his eyes.

For a long beat, Vegeta just stood there pointing his finger at the terrified unicorn.

“… Okay, seriously. What-the-crap,” the Saiyan glared in irritation and mild confusion at his own outstretched finger, flexing it a little.

“Um… do you, uh… I don’t know,” Sweetie Belle tried to shift in his clutch uncomfortably. “Mind… putting me down? Please?”

Vegeta promptly dropped the pony, although his anger at her offense seemed to be pretty much forgotten by this point.

Scootaloo was in a silent conversation with Apple Bloom, trying to determine what strange rituals the creature was trying to go through now. For some queer reason, the monkey was flinging his arms up at the sky, leaping with a little bounce. Every time he jumped, he seemed to look a little more desperate.

“… What is he-?” Sweetie Belle tried to ask, before joining in on the group ‘I dunno’ shrug.

The once proud prince of all Saiyans didn’t stop jumping for a full five minutes.

A very long, awkward and confusing five minutes, in which three befuddled ponies watched the weird creature in a mixture of anticipation, slight fear, and a small amount of concern for mental wellness.

“Oh, screw this!” Vegeta stomped against the ground angrily, grinding his teeth together.

He couldn’t fly.

He couldn’t fly.

Maybe there was something wrong with the gravity on Earth? But, then again, this didn’t look anything like the Earth he’d been at such a short time ago. For example, everything here was still pretty much intact and alive.

And, perhaps even more importantly, the little talking unicorn didn’t explode.

Oh, he’d tried, all right. Vegeta and poured every single last scrap of focus he could muster into Galick-gunning that little monster into oblivion.

And nothing happened.

A tiny, insignificant sliver of something unfamiliar quivered inside Vegeta for a moment. Only a moment, before he crushed it like an insect. The prince of all Saiyans should not feel fear.

“Uh… mister?” Apple Bloom asked tentatively, cocking her head slightly.

“What?” the regal invader from space glowered at her, before he began searching for his scouter. This was not what he had wished for; and when he got his fingers around the neck of that so-called ‘wish-granting’ dragon, he was going to make him rue the day he was… born? Created? Where did ball-dragons even come from, anyway?

“Whoops.” Scootaloo ruffled her feathers uncomfortably. “I thought it was a lady.”

This comment went largely ignored, as Vegeta needed to take stock of his inventory and surroundings. Stepping on the pegasus so hard that she exploded could wait for later.

“Well, um… you kind of-“ Apple Bloom tried to present him with something, before Vegeta rudely cut her off.

“Go away, freaky alien genotype,” he grumbled, digging viciously through piles of wood and rubble in search of his scouter. Perhaps if he could get in touch with Nappa-

Vegeta shuddered at the thought. Relying on Nappa for help.

He seethed in frustration, kicking a wooden board out of the way to reveal a (slightly dust-coated) plushie of a blue pegasus. The orange pony made a strangled kind of squeaking noise, snatching the filthy thing up and badly trying to hide it behind her back. The other two ponies gave her an odd look, but Vegeta couldn’t really have cared less. Unless his scouter was inside that thing, in which case, it was going to wind up in several pieces.

“Are ya’ looking for this?” Apple Bloom held up the rectangular device in one hoof, placing it around her head.

“Give me that!” Vegeta snapped, yanking it away and jamming it onto his face. He simply wasn’t going to be able to do much without his scouter – it was a vital piece of technology. “Ah-ha!” he crowed in victory, the familiar beeping of his scouter ringing in his ears.

Just before the battery died.

“… Scouters are bullshit.”

“What’s that?” Scootaloo inquired curiously, nosing at the now-demolished piece of ‘vital’ technology that Vegeta had violently crushed beneath his boot.

“What you’re full of. Or did you mean the scouter?” he grinned wickedly.

Vegeta scratched his head, plotting. Evidently, the first thing he should do is demolish any potential threats – however, he seemed to be deprived of both his scouter and power.

And I’m handling this pretty well, he thought to himself. Vegeta had expected something radically different from his wish, but perhaps there was some way to fulfill it after all.

“Aren’tcha even gonna tell us your name?” the little pony with a bow bounced up in front of him eagerly.

Or, maybe I’ve actually just gone SO batshit insane that I’ve come full circle.

“I-“ Vegeta began puffing out his chest dramatically, “-am the prince of all Saiyans, and-“

“Purple Rain?” Apple Bloom piped up.

“What’s a Saiyan?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“An intergalactic race of super warriors.” Vegeta growled, his eyes narrowing at the unicorn. “And I am the greatest one of them on the planet!”

This was only technically true. Vegeta was probably the only Saiyan on the planet.

“What’re you intergalactic for?” Scootaloo inquired. “Don’t you need spaceships or something? Did you fly through space? Is that how come you don’t have a ship? How come-“

“I landed on Earth in a pod, the pod was ejected from a ship, and the ship belongs to Frieza.” The Saiyan answered the majority of her questions in one deadpanned grimace. Her voice was beginning to grate on his ears. “And ‘what are we intergalactic for’ is a stupid question.”

The pegasus frowned at his incessant insults, her brows furrowing. Vegeta mimicked her facial expressions; however, when he did it, he looked as if a black caterpillar had settled across his brow.

“I am not stupid.” Scootaloo stamped her hoof against the ground in defiance of the so-called ‘prince’. She had to admit, as exciting as the prospect of an alien almost literally landing in their laps might be, she wasn’t liking this one very much.

“Never said you were,” he grinned again. “but thanks for beating me to the punch.”

Scootaloo sputtered angrily, held back by her friends to keep from punching the monkey in the face.

“Aw, what’s the matter, are you chicken?” Vegeta taunted, leaning down slightly. It was nice to be taller than someone else for once. He jutted out his chin teasingly, inviting the pegasus to swing away. “Come on, small fry. Hit big bad Vegeta with your best shot.”

Cautiously, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom released the pegasus, who was buzzing her wings furiously in a manner reminiscent of revving a vehicle. The moment they let go, Scootaloo launched forward and gave the smug monkey an uppercut with as much ferocity as she could manage.

And, much to Vegeta’s surprise, it hurt.

With a loud oomph! rather unbecoming of the prince of all Saiyans, Vegeta was knocked cleanly from his forward-tilting perch onto his rear, and actually skidded backwards a couple of feet.

Staring up at the sky and nursing his sore chin, Vegeta pondered what had just happened.

Evidently, it hadn’t happened. He was clearly delusional, regardless of his perceived mental clarity. There wasn’t a single possibility of anyone managing to ever lay a finger (or hoof) on him. He dismissed such a ridiculous notion immediately.

Or at least, tried to over the cawing sound of victory that Scootaloo was belting.

The reality of the situation sank in, finally. No unnatrual Saiyan strength. No power. No scouter.

“Haa, did you girls see that?” Scootaloo cackled, although Sweetie Belle looked thoroughly unnerved that her friend had just hit someone, alien or not. “Pow, right in the kisser!”

Scootaloo hardly even noticed the Vegeta shaped shadow looming over her, or her two friends slowly backing away.

“And he’s all ‘you want some?’ and I’m all ‘wha-tcha!’, and – girls?”

“Thank you, sir, may I have another?” Vegeta spat venomously.

“I-I-I, uh…” Scootaloo shrank back from Vegeta’s unnerving glare, and he cracked his knuckles menacingly as he towered over her.

“Okay, Oompa Loompa. You’re gonna take me to the leader of the Lollipop Guild. Now.”

Scootaloo eyed her friends for assistance, but it was reluctantly forthcoming.

“Our… our leader?” she said uncertainly. “You mean, like, Princess Celestia?”

“Yeah, sure, Earthling.” Vegeta scowled. “Take me to your leader.”

“Earthling?” the pegasus tilted her head, giving him an odd look. “You mean, Equestrian?”

“Whatever. Just take me straight to whoever’s in charge, already. I don’t have time for this crap.” He crossed his arms across his chest, starting off through the grassy knoll. If that stupid dragon wasn’t going to just give him his wish, he was going to have to do it himself. Besides, he was Prince Vegeta. That slip up with the pegasus brat was just a fluke.

He had about as much chance of failing his new mission as Nappa did of doing something smart for once.

(EPIC FORESHADOWING.)

“Uh… mister Saiyan?” Apple Bloom called after him.

She was answered by a peculiar gesture with one of his appendages, in which his middle finger pointed skyward.

“Anypony wanna tell him he’s goin’ the wrong way?” she asked quietly, looking between Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

“Nah. I kind of want to see what happens.”

It was an entire town.

Ponies, of all colors and professions, milling about on their daily business. Each and every one of them, cheerily going along their way.

“Okay, you miserable, multicolored, disgusting, hairy sacks of flesh!” Vegeta belted loudly from atop a vegetable stand, which he clambered onto with ease. The quite startled pony attempting to make business seemed more perturbed by the fact that Vegeta so carelessly kicked away innocent vegetables, though. “From this point forward, you may all bow down to me – Vegeta! Your new Pri- I mean, king!”

King Vegeta. I like the sound of that, he thought gleefully.

“Do you mind?” the dirt colored stallion behind the cart glared at him. “I’m trying to work here.”

“Hail, to your new ruler!” the Saiyan insisted, kicking another carrot meanly to the side.

“Ruler?” a light grey pegasus carrying mail in saddlebags stopped suddenly, swooping down from above. “Hey, I think I’ve got one of those in here!” she said excitedly, digging through her bags.

“What the crap is wrong with you?” the Saiyan cringed away from the pony, staring at her wide golden eyes.

And only one of her eyes looked back. The other one was pointing elsewhere.

“Brble mmmph fliffle phif!” she answered through a mouthful of mail, grinning widely.

After a moment, she spat it out. “Bring me your gods now, I am your virgins!”

And with that, she sped away.

Vegeta simply stood in mild shock atop the vegetable stand. “… What in the hell just happened?”

“Get off, already!” the cart-owner shook the stand angrily, glaring at Vegeta. “Go spout your crazy somewhere else; I’m trying to run a business, here!”

Vegeta glowered at the pony, thinking of the fastest way to kill him without any super strength.

Picking up one of the carrots and beginning to move with surprising speed toward the pony, a violent smile carved its way onto Vegeta’s face.

Can’t say I was planning on killing ponies when I got up this morning. Not like my day can get any weirder.

And, because the universe is always out to prove someone wrong, Vegeta’s day got a little weirder.

“Hiya there, my name’s Pinkie Pie!”

He jumped at the noise, dropping the carrot. He hadn’t even gotten to whittle it into a shiv yet. Whirling on the spot, he tried to scowl at the newcomer – only to receive a face full of puffy pink mane, smelling strongly of cotton candy.

“Pfftht! Bach-blurreach!” Vegeta spluttered, shoving the bubbly pink mare away from him. “Seriously, what the hell?” he shouted, pulling strands of pink hair away from his face. “Where do you freaks keep coming from?”

“Well, our mothers, mostly,” the newly dubbed ‘Pinkie Pie’ said thoughtfully, rubbing her chin with the bottom of her hoof.

“Just – just go away!” he clenched his fists, a pressure beginning to rise in his temples. “You horses are just as annoying as Nappa!”

“Ponies.”

“Whatever!”

The pink menace followed him closely, watching him.

“I don’t get it!” he said in confusion, kicking over a random fruit stand, much to the behest of an angry unicorn peddling her wares. “I am a prince! I command respect and fear! You should all be bowing before me!” Stopping in the middle of the street, Vegeta stared about for a minute.

“Wait a minute,” he said slowly. “You should all be afraid. An alien creature with enough power to wipe out your entire planet just landed here! And you’re all just… just…”

Ignoring me.

True, not many of the ponies were even paying attention to him. A couple of them glanced over, but none bothered him. A couple of friendly ones even waved as they passed, but absolutely none of them looked threatened in the slightest.

“Okay, seriously. What the crap.”

“Well, what did you expect?” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Everypony panicking?”

“Kind of.”

“Silly filly, this isn’t an HiE!”

“Huh?”

“I mean-!” Pinkie shook head back and forth. “We get visitors in Ponyville all the time! No surprises there.”

Vegeta gave the pink one an odd look, thinking.

“… ‘Ponyville’.”

“Eeyup.” She nodded, evidently mimicking someone.

“That’s got to be the stupidest damned name for a city I’ve ever heard.”

“Village,” she corrected him. “And how come it’s stupid?”

“It just is.”

“Okay, then-“ Pinkie smiled at him. “Where do you come from?”

“Planet Veget- heaven. I come from heaven. I am the herald of the apocalypse.”

Pinkie snorted, shaking her head. The smug look she was giving Vegeta was enough to elicit another growl from him, at least.

“… Shut up. Just point the way to whoever’s in charge, okay?”

“Well, if you really want to get in touch with one of the princesses…” Pinkie began. “You should probably try learning something about friendship.”

Vegeta made a show of cleaning out his ear with his fingertip. “… I’m sorry, I think a bit of crusty retarded got stuck in my ear. Mind saying that again?”

“Send a friendship report to the princess!” Pinkie practically cheered. “Twilight does it all the time!”

“Who?”

“Sparkle.”

“No, Vegeta.”

“No, Twilight!” Pinkie insisted.

Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Vegeta continued his blind journey forward. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to get any clear answers from the pink one – she might as well be a Cheshire cat.

That, and her too-wide smile was freaking him out.

He’d been stumbling around Ponyville for at least an hour before being hunted down.

Too many of the buildings looked alike, anyway. That, and walking was so much slower than flying.

“Hey, there you are!”

Vegeta’s shoulders slumped in frustration, a sigh passing his lips. Of course, it would have only been a matter of time before the little monsters caught up to him again.

“What now?” he grumbled without stopping or bothering to look at his scratchy-voiced antagonist. Sweetie Belle followed him with a swift trot, and she in turn was followed by Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.

“Did’ja find the princess yet?” Apple Bloom grinned, knowing full well that he hadn’t.

The peculiar hand sign was her only reply.

“Why are you even looking for Princess Celestia in the first place?” Scootaloo pried suspiciously.

“Because. That’s why.” Vegeta answered matter-of-factly. “Don’t you have something better to be doing than pestering me?”

“Nope!” Sweetie Belle said proudly. “That’s why we’re going to help you!”

Vegeta actually stopped walking (or stomping angrily in one direction, really) long enough to look at the cream colored unicorn.

“… What.”

“We’re going to help you!” Sweetie Belle repeated, and her comrades nodded enthusiastically. “It might be a great way to earn our Cutie Marks – Cutie Mark Crusaders, Alien Assistants!”

“That’s retarded. You’re not going to help me,” he frowned so hard that it felt like part of his face was going to fall off.

“Yeah huh!” the unicorn informed him. “We Pinkie-Promise to. Right, girls?”

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” the other two chanted in unison.

“No.”

The downcast look of the trio was enough to melt the heart of an iceberg.

“... Stop doing that.”

Sweetie Belle gave him a look befitting of a recently kicked puppy.

"... I said, quit it."

No matter how much he tried to fight it, even his logical side wanted to sort things out.

“… You know what?” Vegeta said finally. “What the hell. I could use an extra hand.”

“Cutie Mark Crusaders, Alien Assistants, yay!” they cheered simultaneously, and loudly enough to make him sorely wish he were deaf.

“Great.” Vegeta grinned. “Now, let’s go kill us a princess!”

“… Wait, what?!”

Author's Notes:

Scootaloo Owned Count: 1.