The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship

Chapter 76: Dan Vs. Work

Dan turned his head slightly and glanced out of the corner of his eyes as he continued mixing a bowl of bright blue frosting in front of him. “Running low on something?” he asked the figure behind him.

“Actually, no,” Chris answered. “Since you’ve done nothing but stay in the kitchen all day and bake, we’re actually pretty ahead of demand. If anything you should come out and help me keep an eye on Crunchy and D.H.”

Dan paused, setting down his mixing bowl and grabbing a cloth off the counter. He wiped the cloth over his hands briefly and turned, exposing his frosting smeared apron as he leaning his back against the kitchen counter.

“Cripple! Cross-eyed-girl!” He called out as he rested his elbows on the counter.

“Yes, sir?” Crunchy said walking into the kitchen.

“You need something, Dan?” D.H. asked in a chipper tone.

“Stop being so stupid,” Dan commanded.

“Aye, aye, sir!” Crunchy said with a salute.

D.H. nodded, “I’ll get on it right away, Dan!”

Dan nodded. “Now…be gone!” he said with a dismissive wave.

The two bakery works retreated back out of the kitchen.

Dan looked at Chris and motioned to the now empty kitchen entrance, “See, I’ve got it covered.”

“Dan, you really shouldn’t spend all day in the kitchen,” Chris insisted. “That guy wants to get under your skin like this.”

Dan shook his head, “No Chris, no. What he wants is to ruin me, utterly and completely. He wants me to slip up, do something that’ll stick in a court of law or at least get me fired. Something to wreck this sweet gig I have of getting paid to yell at people.”

“That seems a bit extreme,” Chris commented.

Dan raised an eyebrow, “Does it? Then why is he here? Why is he spending his whole day just hanging out at a bakery when he could be feeding kittens or visiting stray homeless people like he’s so fond of doing?”

“Uh, people watching?” Chris suggested.

Dan shook his head, “He can do that anywhere! But for some reason, he’s set up shop here! And all because he’s jealous!”

Chris knitted his brow, “Now why would he be jealous of you?”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Geez you’re laying the idiot routine on thick today.” Dan turned a fist up and started listing off reasons on his fingers, “I’ve got a decent job, a well furnished apartment, a bunch of-elch-friends, and most importantly, an adorable girlfriend who can’t get enough of me.”

Chris glanced to the side and rubbed his chin considering this, “That’s actually something of a point…”

Wow, did Pinkie manage to turn Dan’s life around in a hurry…

“…still, that guy is really resourceful and determined. I mean…he could get those things if he wanted, I’m sure…”

Dan scrunched his brow and pondered this, “Okay, maybe it’s not jealousy, pair see,” Dan replied looking back at Chris.

“It’s, ‘per se’, Dan.” Chris corrected.

“Chris! This is no time for a ridiculous lesson in French! Look, that guy out there had me pegged for a bitter shut-in who wouldn’t be missed if he just stepped into my place, and I got the better of him.”

“Yeah, but then he got the better of you…” Chris pointed out.

“He wasted thousands of dollars to send me to jail for six weeks, big whoop,” Dan replied as he folded his arm. “He’s clearly obsessed with me! I’m sure the only thing that’s kept him smiling at night was the idea that he had so much more than me, and Pinkie shattered that dream like so much body through plate glass window.”

“Dan, that seems really convoluted and farfetched.”

“Does it Chris? Even if I were to buy into the idea of subjecting oneself to the mind-numbingly horrible torture of ‘people watching’,” Dan said while air-quoting, “Why would he willingly seek me out? Pinkie threw him out a window without a second thought…minus the part where she remembered how awesome it was to throw him out a window, of course…and he’s back knowing in all likelihood he’d get a second helping? Tell me that’s not crazy.”

“Well…” Chris paused.

Maybe Dan’s right… Maybe this guy is a tad obsessed. It’s not like he has anything to gain from being here, and if Pinkie was here he’d probably be at the hospital by now…or the morgue…

Uh…assuming they’d even find his body.

“Alright Dan, maybe you’re right,” Chris admitted.

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m always right.”

“That doesn’t mean you need to hide in the kitchen all day.”

“You’re right, Chris! I should go out there and threaten my underlings and some customers with violence, play right into that psycho’s hand!” Dan said sarcastically.

It was Chris’s turn to roll his eyes, “What like every other day here?”

Dan began to protest, “HEY! I…” he paused and knitted his brow together, cupping a hand over his chin and staring at the floor, “…Chris you’re a genius!”

“I am?” Chris asked.

Dan’s never said that to me before…

“Don’t let it get to your head, you’re also a moron,” Dan added.

Chris sighed.

Aaand there we go…

Dan walked towards the kitchen entrance and stared out into the dining room area. He scanned the room full of regular customers happily stuffing their faces with baked goods and grinned evilly. “His one mistake was assuming this place operates under societies rules… Well, before Pinkie and I came here the busiest this place got was when some idiot needed directions.” Dan steepled his fingers and picked out his double from the crowd.

Dan* absentmindedly munched on a muffin as he lounged at his table that sat in front of one of the bakery’s windows.

“WE made this place, this is our bakery. Pinkie and I cobbled together this system out of all natural ingredients and sheer madness and we’ve kept it afloat this long. If he thinks he can just walk right in here and use logic to take us down, he’s in for a rude awakening.” Dan’s grin suddenly grew wider and eviler. “Pinkie and I cut open logic’s chest and pulled out its still beating heart on the sacrificial altar the day we started, looks like someone wants to be next in line…”

Chris paused, “I’m suddenly wondering why I’m working here in the first place…”

Dan glanced behind him at his tall friend and cocked an eyebrow, “You were pretty much a perpetually unemployed loser who was always mooching off his wife until Pinkie and I took pity on you.”

Chris sighed, “Oh, right…”

“GIRLS-WHOSE-NAME-I-DON’T-KNOW!” Dan called out.

“Yes, Dan?” D.H. asked poking her head into the kitchen.

“Do you have any extra socks?” Dan asked.

D.H. gave Dan a crooked smile, “Of course! I always bring extra when I come to work!”

“Could you be a semi-capable minion and get a pair for me?” Dan asked sweetly.

“Aye, aye, Dan!” D.H. said with a salute, once again disappearing out of the kitchen.

Chris gave Dan a look of equal parts perplexity and concern, “Don’t tell me you’re going to poke the bear, here?”

Dan smiled, “The bear just walked into my ballpark. Up until now, I’ve been content to let him stop and smell the roses. Time I fired a few warning shots.”

Chris paused, “Wow…there were like…three mixed metaphors in there…I don’t even know where to begin…”

“Here Dan!” D.H. said sweetly as she reentered the kitchen and handed Dan a large sock.

“Thanks, Crossy…” Dan examined the sock he was handed carefully. “Uh…this looks pretty big to be one of yours…” Dan commented, glancing down at D.H.’s dainty feet.

“Oh! That’s because it isn’t mine! Yeah, I’m not sure where that came from…” D.H. admitted.

“EEEEW!” Dan cried, recoiling and dropping the sock.

“Have you found anything yet?!” Pinkie asked impatiently as she stared at the purple alicorn on the other end of the mirror.

Twilight had grabbed what she could from the library and was now holed up in Fluttershy’s Cottage, a much quieter location than the now pony filled library. She glanced up from the dozens of books and scrolls spread out in front of her. “Pinkie, you’ll have to be patient! It’ll take time for anything to arrive from the other libraries! I’m just going over what I already have!”

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” Pinkie said. “I think I’m coming down with a case of Cabin fever!” she declared as she held a forearm against her forehead.

“Pinkie, cabin fever isn’t an actual disease,” Twilight said irritably, “it’s a claustrophobic reaction to being inside for too long…and it usually takes more than just a few hours to set in.”

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried, “That must mean I have some super-duper-virus version of cabin fever!”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie shrieked as her eyes wildly darted from side to side. “THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN ON ME, AND I KEEP HEARING THIS ANGRY HISSING SOUND!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “That’s Mr. Mumbles. She’s still fighting with Princess Celestia, remember?”

“Oh…” Pinkie trotted over to the bedroom door and opened it.

“RORRROW! HISS!”

“HUSSY!”

“HISSSSSSSSS! MERRROW!”

“TRAMP!”

“MERROWRROWRROWRROW!”

“INSURANCE SALESMAN!”

Pinkie closed the door, “…right.”

Twilight went back to pouring over the spells in front of her as Pinkie trotted back in front of the mirror and stared out at her friend.

“…”

“…So, find anything yet?” Pinkie asked.

“NO!” Twilight shouted. “Look! I have a spell here that will turn you into a minotaur! Do you want to be a minotaur?!”

Pinkie pondered this while tapping a forehoof against her chin, “Well, that’s half-way there. Sure, give it a shot.”

Twilight glared at her pink pony friend as her horn glowed with a purple light. A beam of magical energy shot from it and into the mirror in front of her. Soon, Pinkie’s own ornate mirror was glowing brightly as the beam exited on the other end and slammed into her.

Pinkie felt her entire body expand. Her back legs grew another foo, her torso stretched up and out, her forelegs changed to arms and hands as an utter appeared on her abdomen. Her head shot up higher and higher as large horns emerged from behind her ears and.

‘CRUNCH!’

Pinkie glanced up to see the ceiling was merely several inches above her eyes, and her horns and top of her head had smashed right through it.

“CHANGE ME BACK! CHANGE ME BACK! CHANGE ME BACK!” Pinkie cried in a panicked tone.

“Uh…oh…” A purple glow surrounded the books in front of her as Twilight began frantically flipping pages of books. “REVERSE SPELL! Got it!”

With another purple blast of energy through the mirror, Pinkie was returned to her pink pony self.

Pinkie sighed as her tail began twitching, she didn’t even bother to move as pink insulation rained down upon her in giant clumps from the ceiling above.

“The landlord is not going to be happy about this…” Pinkie mused.

“Ah, there you are!” Dan* said smiling happily as Dan walked up to his table. “I was wondering if you’d ever poke your head out of the kitchen.”

“What can I say,” Dan said happily, “I’m a man devoted to the craft.”

“On that note, I was just about to say that these are some of the most delicious cupcakes and muffins I’ve ever had.”

“Aren’t they though?” Dan said with a grin. “Since you’re enjoying them so much, I’ve decided to give you a batch for free!”

Dan* chuckled, “Hehe…There wouldn’t happen to be anything out of the ordinary about this batch, now would there?” he asked with a knowing smile.

Dan grinned, “Now why would I need to do anything out of the ordinary with our baked goods?”

Dan*’s smile dropped slightly as he processed Dan’s ominous turn of phrase, “Hmmm, why indeed?”

“Hey, Dan!” D.H. called out in a chipper tone as she held a tray of bright red cupcakes overhead and Dan and his bandaged double, “I got those cupcakes just like you as-WHAAAA! LOOK OUT!” D.H. cried as she tripped over her own feet.

Dan grinned as the bright red cupcakes flew into him and his doppelganger. Each impact exploding into a brilliant spray of bright red frosting. Several hit Dan’s body and one hit the side of his face. Dan*’s expression turned surprised as a cupcake smashed into his chest and another into his right eye.

“Sorry, Dan!” D.H. cried.

“Oh, that’s alright,” Dan said calmly as he picked cupcakes off himself, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“…I didn’t?!” D.H. asked, her expression turning more confused than usual.

“Ulg, really Dan…” Dan* began as he picked the cupcake off his chest, “hitting a customer with cupcakes. I’m not sure if…” he paused as his face began to flush red. “What is…what is in these?!”

“Oh! Those are our special spicy cupcakes!” D.H. answered sweetly.

Dan* slowly removed the cupcake from his eye. Tears streamed down his face. “Spa…spicy cupcakes?”

“Yep! People can’t seem to get enough of them!” she replied.

Dan* shut his right eye as it twitched with burning, hot pain and scanned the dining area with his left. Many of the customers sported bright red faces and tear filled eyes as they happily chowed down on the bright red baked goods.

“Let’s see…” D.H. said, “I hit you with two so that’s a dozen more special spicy cupcakes!”

Dan* frantically wiped spicy, red hot frosting off his face. “Why the heck would I want a clumsy girl like you to bring me more of these awful things?!”

D.H. pouted, “I’m sorry, mister… I don’t know what went wrong.”

Dan* looked up at D.H. with a glare.

“HEY!” Someone in the crowd shouted. “This guy’s complaining about free cupcakes!”

“AND HE’S PICKING ON THE CUTE WAITRESS!” Another cried.

Dan* looked about the crowd with a surprised, concerned expression. Many people were staring at him with irritated and angry expressions.

“LET’S KICK HIM UNTIL HE STOPS MOVING!”

Dan* expression turned to frightful as he attempted to push himself further into his chair in a vain attempt to distance himself from the angry onlookers. Chairs began to slide as angry eyes homed in on him.

Much to Dan*’s surprise, Dan stood in between him and the approaching crowd of angry bakery patrons.

“Now, now,” Dan began, “he’s new here and doesn’t quite get how everything works. I’m sure he won’t cause any more trouble,” he said, glancing back at Dan* with a large grin.

The mob paused and slowly returned to their seats, sliding chairs back into place.

“Wow! Dan’s such a nice guy!” someone exclaimed.

“Let’s all talk about how great Dan is!” someone added.

Dan*’s eyes shot open and he gaped at Dan who looked back with wide, wild eyes and a giant smirk.

“So, you’ll be having those free cupcakes, then?” Dan asked.

“Uh…sure…” Dan* replied.

Like I have a choice…

Dan grinned and turned to the front counter, “Hey! Monkey-face! Get a box of special spicy cupcakes, will ya?”

“Sure, Dan,” Chris replied as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Monkey-face? Really?” Dan* asked as he stared up at the still smiling Dan.

“NOW HE’S MAKING FUN OF DAN’S GREAT PET NAMES!” someone cried.

Dan*’s frightened expression returned as he pensively interlaced his fingers. “Uh…Monkey-face, cute…” He uttered.

Chris walked up with a closed bakery box and sat it on the table.

Dan* eyed the box suspiciously before opening it. “Oh, look…an entire giant sock,” he said as he lifted the lid off the box. “Looks like the health department is going to need to pay this place a visit,” he said. To his surprise it wasn’t anger or worry that entered Dan’s face. Instead, Dan looked back at him with wild, malicious looking eyes and a Cheshire cat grin.

“HEY EVERYONE!” A voice called out. “NOW THAT GUY IS TRYING TO WRECK THE SWEET SOCK SYSTEM WE HAVE GOING HERE!”

“BUT FINDING CLOTHES IN MY MUFFINS IS ONE OF MY GREATEST JOYS IN LIFE!” another cried.

Once again, the sounds of chairs sliding away from tables was heard as dozens of bakery customers stood to their feet and approached the small corner table.

Dan* looked up at Dan with scared pleading eyes.

Dan shook his head, “Sorry buddy, the mob as spoken.” Dan stood aside as a horde of angry bakery patrons surrounded the on the table.

“WAIT!” Dan* cried. “Can’t we talk about this?!” he pleaded as he darted frantic looking eyes over the crowd as it eclipsed the florescent lights of the bakery.

“HE’S AN ENEMY TO FREE FOOD EVERYWHERE! GET HIM!”

With that, the angry mob descended upon Dan*, wrapping angry, tensed fingers around his limbs and dragging him out of his seat.

“NO! OUCH! THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY! OW! I HAD AN INCH OF GLASS PULLED OUT FROM THERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Dan watched with malevolent glee as the crowd mercilessly punched, kicked, and pummeled his double.

“Dan,” Chris cried as he run up to the scene of violence, “we’ve got to do something!”

“Counterpoint,” Dan replied, “no we don’t.”

Chris sighed and shook his head, “I’ll just go back to the register…”

Dan nodded, “You do that…”

Soon, the mass of men and women took the bruised and beaten man towards the entrance of the bakery and hurled his limp body into the air. Dan* made a pained grunt as he once again became close friends the asphalt of a parking lot for the second time in as many days.

“And STAY out!” A mustached man in a trucker cap yelled before returning to the bakery.

Dan* raised a trembling hand up to his forehead and turned to the bakery entrance. His vision slowly came into focus as the world around him ceased its painful spinning.

Dan stood in the doorway, regarding his double with the same, malicious eyes as before and a smug grin of satisfaction.

“Cough…cough…You know I won’t let you get away with this…” Dan* uttered through clenched teeth.

Dan just smiled, “You know where to find me when you’re ready for round three~!” he sang out, turning and walking back into the bakery with a wave.

Dan* glared out at the short man and winced as he put his hand into his pocket. He pulled out a white, rectangular smartphone and hit the screen a few times.

“Hello, L.A. P.D.?” he said into the phone. “I’d like to report a crime…”